Friday, December 21, 2007

Allah works in mysterious ways

So get this...

I told you some prissy princess came to see the apartment, right? Fortunately her Queen sized bed was a great excuse for us to reject eachother without having to say "ew- I don't want to live with YOU" to eachother. Well I was telling this story to Muhammad (I told you about him, right? Maybe not? Ok, well he's a guy, and he's nice) any-hoo, he said "you wont let her live with you because she is pretty?" And I told him no, it was a vibe too, and pointed out that I am friends with Kelsey, who looks like a model.

So I decided to text her. Come to find out she got a job as a manager and a super swanky apt building, 10 minutes from the airport, and I can live there for $400 + utilites. To make it better, she cant move in for 2 months, so she will stay here, so we can see how it goes.

I am a little iffy about her. I am not 100% sure I can trust her, but hopefully I will know by the end of the 2 months. I hope so, because I sometimes have dreams of living somewhere like that, but I would never spend the money, and I think my life needs a little shaking up. I think living somewhere luxurious (as long as I wasn't wasting a lot of money on it) would please me. It would give me a boost. I also think it would be great motivation to get rid of a bunch of my stuff.

Wow. Juan has somewhere good to go, I have somewhere good to go, it's great.


Thursday, December 20, 2007


So today I came out and told Juan how I feel. I told him "I just want you to know that it hurts me that none of this seems to bother you, It seems like no big deal to you"

We talked things out, and frankly, had this conversation happened a week ago, I wouldn't have kicked him out. He is so fucking thick, I tell ya! He says to me "I did wrong, and this is the consequence" Well if you are going to make such perfect sense, why didnt you say that a week ago!!!???!!! He also said that the comment "Your next roommate will have to have a lot of money and have a lot less projects going on" was a joke. Wow, what bad timing for that type of joke Juan!

For a few moments there I wanted him to stay, if he asked to (which he wont) I would probably say yes, but now I am at peace, I can get a crash-pad person, and be happy as a clam.

Today this F/O who flew with Carter (the beautiful blonde pilot) came to see the room. This sounds funny, but she was too pretty to live here. She was skinny as hell, had cute light blonde hair, and her face looked like Jennifer Aniston, with a smaller nose and light blue eyes. I sort of sound all gay writing about her, but thats how pretty she was, I felt intimidated. I felt fat and zitty, and poorly groomed around her (well, I had just rolled out of bed) but I could tell she would be used to a very clean house, and I cant offer that. I also would feel so inferior all the time, despite my better judgement (and lets be honest, you know she felt that a little too, not to be mean to her, but I feel like I know "her type")

But it will be okay. It will be just fine. I will find a crash pad person, and everything will fall into place. My friends are proud of me for standing up for myself, and I suppose I am too.

Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference

I cant write anything. I just want...SOMETHING. Just, just...something!

I believe he cares, but he wouldnt put up any type of fight! He wouldnt try to convince me not to kick him out, and he didnt try to comfort me that he wouldnt do it again. Too much pride? Maybe. God it hurts.

You know, I definately loved him. In an a-sexual but still sexual way. Like, I didnt want to sleep with him, mostly because he doesnt seem to brush his teeth enough, but I was still drawn to him, and loved giving and getting attention from him.

Maybe he likes me less now that the sky is grey-er, and my energy is lower.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Juan hardly seems to care

Well, Juan and I are cool. He has thrown my life into a tailspin, and now he is moving, but heaven forbid he just apologize and say "I'll never do it again" so I don't have to find a new roommate, and he doesn't have to find a new place. (He did say "I did wrong") but I guess I hoped for more, sooner.

He is going to give me the money he owes, and paint the room back (god- if you were going to be this decent you couldn't have just made it right so it didn't have to come to this!?!) But I think maybe he will be happier where he is going. He is going to move to his crazy, alcoholic argintine bachelor friend's house, and he expressed "concern" for me today, because I dont go out all the time, so my quiet lifestyle probably brings him down.

What I hate is how okay he seems with the whole thing. IM not okay with it, I am very upset. But he is a different bird I guess. He has a great new job and all these great things going on, so why SHOULD he care? He's a definite extrovert, and I guess I am just one person of many in his life, while he is one of few in mine (which is how we both prefer it, of course)

You know what? I am pissed at him. This has been a shitty week. Why didnt he just talk to me at the beginning of the month and tell me if there were money problems?

Oh well. Hes on his third marriage- go figure.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Im doing it all wrong

This wasnt the post I wanted to write, after not writing for so long. i wanted to write one titled "did you miss me?" and give a brief overview of all the great things in my life. But instead, I am writing one about the mistakes I see myself making, in dealing with a crisis.

Juan has broken my fucking heart. I am so hurt I couldnt even write the words a few days ago. He gave me last months rent one month late, and now, this month, when I noticed my bank account was down to $15, I told him "I dont have the money for food" and he gave me $70. He not only didnt give me rent, he didn't even have rent set aside. So naturally I have to kick him out.

He was warned last month. I told him what Tera had done to me, and that if he was late I would kick him out, and I sent him a heartfelt text, and his response was "your next roommate will have to have a lot of money and a lot less projects going on" wrong answer. The correct answer is "I am so sorry, I cant believe I let it get away from me so long" or even better- the correct answer is to pay the rent, on time, or a day late.

So last night I didnt have the money for my medication (fortunately I got paid today so I can go buy it) so I have spent a lot of the day laying in bed and eating cookies. Basically feeling sorry for myself instead of cleaning the house and getting it ready to be shown.

My heart is broken. This is not just the loss of a roommate, but the loss of a friend. I cant tell you how much I love, I mean LOVE Juan. I cant believe he, of all people, would hurt me like this. He is the only roommate I want in this world, but I dont have the money for christmas presents this year, so obviously he has to go.

I am glad I wrote this post. I am going to get out of bed, go to the pharmacy and get my medication, and a healthy lunch (at 3 PM) and I am going to go ahead with my day- strong and powerful. Yes, he hurt me, but I should not hurt me too. I need to take good care of myself right now, because I am one step away from a depression. God i wish I could cry right now.

Oh, and did I mention my friend Joseph in Uganda went to prison for counterfieting money? Yeah, not a good week for me...

But-----I met a boy :) (Who lives in Washington DC) :(

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I Want Drugs! Is That Bad?

Dec 4, 2007

Current mood:blah

After waiting the weekend with no call from the doctor, I called on Monday and asked my diagnosis. I may not have let on, but hearing the rapid strep test was negative scared me a little, if I don't have a common throat infection- what is it? Something rare? Something serious? Being tested for Mono didn't help my fears.

The doctor said it was a virus. Which means I would be getting no antibiotics, I'd just have to wait it out. As I type this I am feeling a lot better, I have eaten solid food for 2 days, but it has been up and down, one hour I'm fine, the next I want to die, and the HEADACHES!

I certianly don't want to contribute to the development of drug-resistant germs, so I will take my sentance, er, diagnosis, in stride, but it sure would be comforting to take a pill that would kill any invaders hiding somewhere in me, spreading the discomfort out, and slowing me down longer. But besides gargling more apple cider vinegar, there is nothing I can do, so I will take my advil and shut up.

The one thing I can say is I am grateful I called in sick to work. Friday on, I had every intention of going, but as the days approached, I didn't have the renewed vigor I was hoping for. And this morning when I woke up, I knew I made the right choice. I have to go back on Thursday, and that even worries me a little, but I cant stay home forever, so I guess I'll have to suck it up.

Monday, December 03, 2007

THINK, before you vote!

Sore Throat, Sore Mood

I am grateful for the circumstances I was born in, where a throat infection will only inconvenience me, not kill me, but I am MAD right now!

The doctor said she would call me saturday with test results, she didnt, nor did she call me sunday. So I called the clinic today. They had tested me for strep, mono, and other things. The rapid strep test was negative. I got a call back from the assistant saying "The strep test is negative, hope you feel better"


That is so inadequate. No strep? That means there is ANOTHER bacteria growing in my throat, so I want to know EVEN MORE what it is!!!! Can I go to work? Can I murder the person who passed it to me, and call it self defense? CAN I HAVE SOME ANTIBIOTICS? PLEASE!!!!!

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Broken Promises

Dec 2, 2007

Current mood:impressed

The doctor promised that she would call me with the strep test results yesterday, and she didn't, so I broke my promise that I wouldn't gargle with anything.

Yesterday I started a traditional cure involving apple cider vinegar, and this morning I woke up without a fever. I called my cousin who is in town, and we went to Annie's Parlour, where the best cheeseburgers and french fries in the world are made. I devoured 3/4 of the burger in record time. The protein and salt tasted amazing after 2 days of yogurt, juice and ice cream.

Tomorrow I will call the clinic, and will hopefully get some antibiotics by then, but thanks to the apple cider vinegar, I feel good enough already that I think I could go to work on Tuesday without a problem- though my salad dressing breath may gross out the passengers!

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Vinegar Breath

I have an infection in my throat. It might be strep, it might be mono, who knows, I dont yet.

I called in sick from work yesterday and got an appointment with a doctor. The rapid strep test didn't show strep, so we are waiting for a longer culture.

She said she would call me today, but maybe I misunderstood, so I felt the need to take matters into my own hands, because it cant get worse, it is so bad right now.

Every hour, I am gargling with apple cider vinegar. It might be a waste, because my vinegar may not have "the mother in it" (a fungus) but it's worth trying. Maybe tomorrow I will go to the health food store and get apple cider vinegar with "the mother in it"

So I have no idea what my breath must smell like, a combination of an infected throat, and vinegar- mmmm, sexy.

By the way, "the one" is very likely a nutjob, and I am 100% sure is the cause of this illness. I am dumping him tomorrow after his PT test (I dont want him feeling defeated during the test)

I am Lucky to Have Strep Throat

Current mood:grateful

Boo hoo. Poor me. A sore throat that I will suffer through for a week or two, but will go away, thanks to antibiotics. I have a job where I can take time off to go to the doctor, I have insurance, so I can afford a full course of antibiotics, not just enough to make symptoms go away, but leave the stronger germs left over to become drug resistant, and why am I really lucky? My immune system can attack invaders in my body.

Today is world AIDS day. How could I possibly complain last night? The pain I am feeling is no more than a short inconvenience, after which I will return to my normal charmed life.

My dear friend M lost his father to AIDS and will need to take care of his mother when he loses her, even though he hardly has the money to look after himself. He not only takes on this responsibiliy, he spends his spare time looking after the vulnerable in his community, most of them "CHHs" Child-Headed-Households. Children who have lost their parents to AIDS

My young friend, and hero H, lost both his parents to AIDS, but embraces school & embraces being happy.

I am lucky, and in spite of their circumstances you could even call M & H lucky, they don't have HIV. But think of those with it, especially in countries without as much access to ARVs as we have.

Today I cant help wish better things for A, whos HIV was being managed, undetectable in her body, and her HIV negative son J, yet they, and a child in her body, were murdered due to ignorance of the disease.

I am embarrassed to have complained last night. I will survive this, with little lost but a few days and a few dollars.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Remember this? I know every word by heart

I Sort of Want To Jump Off a Bridge Right Now

Nov 30, 2007

Current mood:uncomfortable

Early this month I got a bad cold, which put me out for 2 days, and made me miserable for over a week, and now, I have the sore throat of all sore throats.

It started Monday, with a little mild irritation, then Tuesday it hurt, Wednesday it hurt to eat, and then yesterday I went to sleep at 4PM. Today I woke up unable to eat solid food. Even a banana hurt too much.

I went home early today and got an appointment with a nice doctor, they did a quick test for strep, and it came back negative. That doesn't mean I don't have strep, it means they have to do a longer culture. They even tested for mono! I don't want mono, I have a hard enough time juggling everything to add tiredness to it. The really bad news about the rapid strep test coming back negative is she didn't give me antibiotics today, which means tomorrow will be worse- how much worse can it get?

What pisses me off about this is I take 5+ vitamins a day. I do my best to eat enough vegetables, though they are hard to come by at the airport, and I wash my hands with those little towelettes probably 7 times a flight! So what gives? I confess I don't get as much sleep as I should, but I take pretty good care of myself, is a little lack of sleep a reason to get sick TWICE in one month?

I usually like to turn things like this around and say "Being sick makes you value being healthy" but I am not in the mood to have a good attitude right now. I would rather wallow, and feel like a victim, because my sore throat and lack of food intake are making me crabby :(

Please send Ice Cream

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The e-mail I will never recieve

I slept horribly last night. I tossed and turned, and every time I woke up I checked if P wrote me to apologize. Of course he never will, not because he isnt sorry, but because he is spineless and married to a selfish manipulator. I am letting myself get down about someone who I knew very little about, for a very short time.

So I am going to write the e-mail to myself, to get some closure.

Dear Diana,

My wife doesn't know I am writing this, she feels hurt and I dont want to make her feel worse.

I really did have fun the other night, I really enjoy your company and think you are stunningly beautiful. (now readers, don't think this is arrogant to include in my imaginary e-mail- he kept telling me this!) But things still felt wrong to me. My relationship with my wife is very important to me, and it has been difficult trying to figure out how to best address her bisexuality. I am sorry you got caught in the middle of it.

I know you dont have low moral standards, and I think my wife was just reacting emotionally when she said that. She was hurt that you didn't want to meet her, and felt you were trying to take advantage of me by bringing alcohol. I kept telling you I dont drink often, I thought you would take the hint and not offer any more when you were having it.

I am sorry I dont want to continue our friendship, it would just be too complicated.


Monday, November 26, 2007

Feeling better

I was tired, overwhelmed from an emotional day, and had my feelings badly hurt. So I felt depressed for a few hours, 3 to be exact. I took a nap, had some food, and now I am feeling better.

One thing that is making me feel good is this new guy, he is online, but he isn't contacting me. I let him know that I need adequate space, and he is giving it to me. That puts me at ease.

So let me tell you a little bit about him. He was born in the south of Germany, he is now in business school, and is obviously very smart. Him and I have a lot in common, a high regard for sex, analytical minds, and it turns out, a sob story.

Here's the thing. He is remarkable, exceptional really, and he has what seems like everything I am seeking in a man. Not perfect, but it would be unrealistic to seek perfection, I would say it would be unrealistic to seek as much as I am getting.

So heres what I dont like. His teeth are yellow. Well, whitestrips can fix that. He had cheesy smelling smegma today. Well, I wont go down on him after he took a red eye from California. But there is one thing that worries me. He has had a hard life, and he seems to have a heavy heart. He lost family in Iraq, served in Iraq, was abandoned as a child, and after all of that is surviving remarkably well. But he does have some PTSD, and he only sleeps 2-3 hours a day he says. I think that it makes sense that he may not be the most cheerful person, but I hope I am not getting myself in trouble. Yeah, he's also 23. A mistake maybe? I dont know.

Okay, I am going to stop writing about him, I am writing to him now.

I feel so hurt

My feelings are terribly hurt still. So bad that I want to cuddle under the sheets in the fetal position. He should have defended me, I understand why he didn't but I am just so hurt.

Also, this boy that I met. I really need to write more about him, but I am going to write this before I curl into my fetal position. He came over, we werent planning to have sex so neithier of us showered, and he is uncut, and tasted like cheese. It was a turn-off and although I will be able to tell him in a funny and non-offensive way, that doesnt change the fact that I felt/feel sort of grossed out by it. It was a damper on an otherwise pretty good day.

...a good day until the mean names of course

okay, into the fetal position now...

Low Moral Standards

I was going to write about meeting a new guy. It was imperfect, but good in many ways, but I have to write about what just happend.

I put an ad on craigslist for friends, which could become more. One of the guys who responded was a guy in an open marriage. I had respect for the relationship's honesty so I was open to flirting with him.

I now met someone who might have potential, so I wrote to this guy and said "if you want to make out with me, we will have to do it this weekend, because I met someone." So we made plans to get together.

I thought, because I'm, you know, NORMAL, that we should have some wine or beer or something, I brought rum because that was all I had. My intention was to make out, but we had sex, (sortof) he only had a semi the whole time. It was fun, we laughed, and he had a tremendous crush on me for some reason.

So I chech my e-mail today and see this:

Hi there. My wife and I chatted tonight and we agreed that what happened between you and I yesterday night was too much too soon. My wife was not very happy that you brought the alcohol over. She was also very unhappy that you did not wish to speak to her on the phone or meet her when she got home. It led her to believe that you have low moral standards. She would prefer that I do not hang out with you, friends or otherwise. The trust my wife had in you to do well by us as a couple has been irreparably broken. Therefore I cannot communicate with you anymore in any form. I will be removing you from Facebook and MySpace. All the best to you.

What the hell? This woman is a mindfucker. She gets to not only have sex with a woman, she has a GIRLFRIEND, and he is supposed to just know about it, but be faithful to her. This isnt the first time that she has gotten jealous, they had a threesome and it screwed her up too. Shame on her for mindfucking this guy, and blaming ME because she is jealous, and shame on him for having no backbone. He should have defended me, but of course he wouldn't, because he has to live with her, and if he has already survived her having a girlfriend, she obviously has him eating out of her hand.

If she got jealous and changed her mind, that is perfectly okay. But to blame me because she got jealous is SO MEAN. My feelings are hurt, even though I know what she said about me is not true. This is the e-mail I sent:

Dear P and Wife,

I am happy to respect your mutual choice to not have contact with me, but the "low moral standards" comment is completely out of line.

I am a good, caring, and respectful person. I didn't force or manipulate P into anything. Alcohol is a normal "social lubricant" and if he didn't want to drink I wouldn't have cared.

Maybe the two of you have regrets about P having sex with another woman, but to say I have low moral standards is cruel, unfair, and JUST PLAIN WRONG!

You two don't seem like nice people anymore, to me, THAT is low moral standards


Sunday, November 25, 2007

I was interviewed for a magazine!

I'm so excited, I got interviewed for a magazine article about insomnia, and I was featured in the article! You can read it here:

Mongrel Magazine

Saturday, November 24, 2007

You cant make this stuff up

I am sure there is at least one person who thinks my blog is made up. If I read my blog, or my life story, I would think that it was made up.

Mitch, the 64 year old man who I had sex with in Baltimore, is applying to become a priest.

He read me his essay.

I don't know what to say, except if he is ordained, I will have the privledge of saying I had sex with a priest (by choice)

You cant make this stuff up

Don't Wax Your Crotch

Are you people listening to me? Don't do it!

I like to have certian parts of my body hair-free, because it feels clean. It doesnt capture the smells down their the way hair does (which I think is the reason we have it there, honestly!) But I like to look normal from the front. I think this hairless trend is a little bit pre-pubescent looking, which is creepy.

However, the mons pubis is very sensitive, and when it's bare it feels nice against your clothes, I shaved it once or twice when I was younger, so I thought it would be fun to try, just for me.

Ow. Did you hear me? Ow. The mons pubis is sensitive, which means it has a lot of nerve endings. Hair torn from your butt does not hurt like this.

The waxer said "I usually encourage people to keep the dot on the i." Good advice. Ladies and gentleman...keep the dot on the i.

There is one good thing about this. I may have met mr. right. I'm serious. He might be mr right, the one. I will write more about him, but not on a post titled "dont wax your crotch" I have a date with him on monday, and while he is not going to see my dotless i, I am hopeful one day he will, and if he likes it, I can use the extreme pain that this procedure causes as leverage to get something from him. Most likely it will be for him to be clean shaven on his face (I'm not a fan of facial hair, and he says he has a goatee)

So ladies and gentleman, unless it is a tool to manipulate your partner into giving you what you want, KEEP THE DOT ON THE i.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

What is Thanksgiving?

I was explaining on a non-american friend's blog what Thanksgiving is, then I realized people around the world might see thanksgiving on their sattelite, and decide to google "What is thanksgiving?" to find out. I will copy what I put on my friends blog:

Thanksgiving is an American holiday celebrating "thanks." We "give thanks" by sacrificing a turkey. We then put the turkey in a heated ceremonial box for 4-5 hours.

While the turkey is in the ceremonial heated box, usually the senior female in the household begins the potato mashing ceremony. In this ceremony she skins the potatoes, boils them, adds calf's food & a fatty substance, and mashes it all repeatedly, until it is a creamy texture.

The turkey & potato ceremonies are usually done by the females of the family. The males usually are huddled in a "den" around a box. In the box are images of men with round heads, running with a brown lemon-shaped object. The males can be heard chanting in unison "OOOOOOH!" and "YAAAAAAAAY"

When the turkey is removed from the ceremonial heated box, the males and females gather around an elevated flat panel, and eat the ceremonial items off of slabs of porcelain.

When the ceremony is over, it is customary to unbutton the top button of the pants, and to find a soft surface and sleep.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

My normal life

I am in the crew lounge right now at our southern base. When we walked into the tunnels there were one inch cockroaches laying all over the place, I saw 3, and I didn’t have to look hard.

Life has been fine. My room is a disaster, but my life is okay. I put an ad on Craig list (for male friends- not dating) and I have been doing a little corresponding that way. I think a friends only ad is a great way to get to know someone then let it develop naturally. In my experience, going on a dating site is like “so- are we going to fall in love or what?” and I am not saying it’s just the men who do it. I am just as guilty.

I have bid for my Bangladesh trip. It will be in late July, early August. I am hopeful that Emma will not be tired of S asia and broke by then.

Serious things have happened though. My friend Joseph, the one who helps me in sponsoring Hufiz in Uganda, well he went to the bank, took out 4,000 dollars, and took a public bus to get back home. He got chloroformed and was in the hospital. I am so mad at him. Why would he carry $4,000 on a bus? In Uganda? Is he too innocent or what? I can't get much information from him, he also recently told me he's engaged. i am suspicious (and very protective) I pray that the money wasnt from the money for the well from Jennifer's church!

Kelsey is in touch with me, I think she doesnt have a lot of friends, maybe because she is not from this state, and maybe she intimidates people because she looks like a supermodel. (and she is flaky, no doubt) Thats cool, we had fun, and she was the muse that inspired the resurgence of caring about my looks.

So thats my life. I am spending my thanksgiving in Boston, which is cool. Someone else can have it off for a change.


Thursday, November 15, 2007

"The Morning After"

He did tap on the window. And I went.

But everything was fine. Basically, all he would have had to do is make a move, and I was vulnerable, but his game was weak. He said "I have a jet that massages my feet, it feels really good" But I had one too, so that trick to bring me closer didn't work. We talked about arranged marriages. He had one, which is weird, he is basically American, and his wife is Canadian. How weird is it for an American and a Canadian to live under Indian cultural rules! It was a good conversation. Nothing happened, which I am glad about to. I am sure I have slept with a married man before, but it was never intentionally.

I slept great. I had the funnest dream. I was taking a 2 week trip on a small boat. (Which of course was huge on the inside, because thats how dreams work.) In the dream there were men from every country. There were even Gypsies (which you had to watch out for) Many, many of these sailors preferred chubby women, and I was a big slut. (Not slutty for a dream, but slutty for real life) about half the time I was Mia tyler.

Beyonce was in the dream. Someone loading our stuff onto the boat knocked over my purse, and my phone went in the bay, so they gave me Beyonce's phone. One of the videos oh her phone was of her discovering an alien in the shower. Her and I squabbled a bit, but decided to try to get along.

It was a good night, which is good, because I forgot to refill my anti-depressant, and so I have been without for 2 days. 2 nights ago I had awful nightmares, so today I am glad to have had such a fun dream (so fun that I want to work on a boat!)

I like being happy. It sucks that it came from poisoning my body, but my body is already poisoned, so I might as well enjoy it.

May I have permission to sleep with a married man?

I am drunk. So drunk I almost wrote frunk. Can I sleep with my captian? PLEEEEZ? He's a whore. so sleeping with me would make no difference. I am really drunk. I am really horny. Please let me have no morals. I have morals, thats the problem.

You know what? What will I do if he taps on the window and says "hey, are y ou coming to the pool?" I said I would go, but I wont unless he taps on the window of the computer lounge. I wish I was not deleting all the mistakes I am making typing.

I hate not having a boyfriend. I WANT SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX

It is no fair. I want a boyfriend with out the work of getting a boyfriend. Maybe my boyfriend should be 64 year old man. He was good in bed. All I wnat intheis workld is sex, is that so bad? and good secx. I am sickl pf undoing my typos./

sex- foog. not having sex- bnad.

May I have permission to sleep with a married man?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I love it when I screw up!

Isn't it great when you think you have to be ready at a certian time, then you realize you had the time wrong, and you get a free hour? That happened to me today, and fortunately I figured it out now that I am awake with coffee in me, instead of when I was in bed, with control over the snooze button.

It's been quite a week. As you know I got a cold and took work off. Well during that time, Mitch sent me flowers and had been texting me and calling me every day since our encounter. He was saying he had feelings for me. I will be honest, I have feelings for him too, but not so much that I would go through the difficulty of dating someone so much older. I felt really sad when I was on my way home from baltiomore, but then I imagined what it would be like to date or marry him, all the stares and judgement and health problems, it brought me back to reality.

Well Mitch hadn't come back to reality yet. And I felt really crowded by our constant contact. Twice, when I forgot to call him (yes we were talking about intense stuff) he guilt tripped me, the first time pissed me off, the second time I told him I need about a 3 week break (I think he needs it more than I do, to get back into reality.) Believe it or not I miss him, but I prefer my space.

During this time I adopted 29 babies- we got a fish tank! I have been OBSESSED with it. It is pretty much stabilized now, but I have done SO MUCH work on it. Juan would do more, he has a lot of aquarium experience, but he has been working on a lot of accounts, and I was not willing to wait. I couldn't relax until the aquarium was healthy for the fish. I have a lot to write about there.

Also during this time I think my neighbor and I made a truce. His ex-girlfriend says he has worked to cut down on his drinking. I do miss him I guess, well, I miss the OLD him, the weird him that was coming out later on I dont miss.

Anything else happen in this very full week? Oh yeah, Wheelchair dude. We went to a concert. He has stopped being weird, he has given me my space. We had fun, him, me, and his 24 year old gay nurse, it was a good time. We went to a concert, and the music was NOT MY STYLE, so that wasnt a good time, but the banter and hanging out was fun. I'm glad. I think having a friend so different from me would help me grow into a better person, and teach me a lot. And of course I think I have a lot to give to a disabled person as a friend, by just acting normal. I know that not everyone is able to do this.

So what a week! And now I am back to work...Speaking of, I better start getting ready, I had SOME extra time, but not that much!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

I feel SOOOO much better!

AAAAH! My mood and energy are so much better. If the flight left later today I might even go to work today, but I am thinking I am just going to stay home the whole trip, or maybe I will take a turn tomorrow, but thats it. I have to go pick up my purse, so why not make the trip worth my while, AAH fugedaboudit! I'm staying home and recovering.

I am getting a lot done. Once you have rested for 3 days you get restless!

And a great side effect? After sleeping for 2 days, I got up at 8 the other day, and now I am getting up between 7-9 every day. I love it!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I wish I was 50 instead of 30

I'm going to call 64 year old 60 year old "Mitch." He just had flowers delivered.

He's so sweet. I have such a crush on him, but this is NOT NORMAL! I guess this is why normal 30 year olds don't sleep with 64 year olds.

Don't carry lube in your purse

I left my purse on the plane last night. I was just too spacey in my head to remember it, fortunately, the flight attendant who took my flight found it, and turned it into my boss.

Here's the thing...there were 2 little bottles of massage oil in my purse, and they are KY brand, so people, including my boss probably think they are lube!!!

I have something to say about those KY sample packs. They make it seem like they are massage oil with a water base so if your hand touches a condom after giving a backrub, it wont break the condom, well they arent! They are massage oil packaged in the same package as lube! SO DANGEROUS! Fortunately we had no breaks, but if we had, I might have a 64 year old's baby!!! Insane

So the lessons today kids...check the back of your lube to make sure it is water-based and DONT CARRY LUBE IN YOUR PURSE!!!!

Sometimes its not a good thing to be such a tough bitch

As anyone with depression knows, you feel sick most of the time. If you have depression and you called in sick every time you felt like you couldn't go to work, well you wouldn't have to go to work, because you'd have no job.

So I try to never call in sick, even when I am sick.

Yesterday I felt a lot better, so I decided to go into work. I did fine for the first flight, but then we sat for 3 hours, and the second flight just felt really hard. I called in and went home.

The dumb thing is I felt so guilty. I felt like I was faking, I guess since I was able to stand upright I figured I am the picture of health. But when you have a head full of phlegm, it doesnt feel very good to be in a pressurized airplane. Not to mention the long hours. If I could work 5, or even 8 hours a day, I would be fine, but I can't handle the 12 hour days right now.

Its now my goal to drink more water than I have in my entire life. Water works miracles.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Amongst the Living

It's 5 to 9 in the morning, and I am awake, and human. I am so glad I trusted my instincts and just let myself sleep, I slept for nearly 2 days straight, with only small breaks in between.

I was going to call in sick last night, but now there is no reason for it. It will suck to have a stuffy head on the airplane, but if that happens I can just go home after the first turn.

I talked to 60 year old last night, he is really a sweetheart. Of all people to have my fantasy with, he was the right choice. He DESERVES it, as I think I do.

I came to a realization this morning regarding 60 year old, there is absolutely no-one on this planet that I can tell about this! Just my blog! I don't have a single friend or family member that I think wouldn't be shocked by it. I guess I wouldn't want my friends or family members knowing much about my sex life, but at least I have friends I can tell about most guys I sleep with.

I wonder if it's a blessing or a curse that I have been comatose the last few days. I missed out on any lonliness or confusion (there is no shame) but maybe I also missed out on the afterglow of having great sex! That feeling of having so much energy, that you can do anything. I guess I'll never know.

Monday, November 05, 2007

My Baltimore Adventure

My trip to Baltimore consisted of two parts. The first part, family time, and the second part 60 yr old man time.

I learned that my aunt and uncle are seperated. They had some problems before so I wasn't surprised, but it seems so unneccesary to me. They were married 30 years, so I don't want to judge. My uncle, very maturely, said "who says a marriage has to last forever to be a success? We had 30 years together, we grew alot, we raised 2 great kids, I say it was a success" All that matters to me is my aunt remains my aunt, and that no-one gets unneccesarily hurt.

Spending time with my cousin was great, we laughed alot, and found a flattering bridesmaid dress (although I am angry to learn I am size 18!) It was great bonding with all of them, I look forward to seeing them again soon.

The second half of the trip was my time with 60 year old, who it turns out is 64. It was such an interesting experience, though there is a little after-effects that I didn't expect.

He picked me up at my aunt's house, and he was wearing awful dark glasses that made him look creepy. I think he thought they would make him look younger, but instead they made him look like an old man who can't be trusted. I could tell my aunt was not impressed.

We got lost searching for the hotel. Then it took us a long time to get to the inner harbor, it was after 2 and we hadn't eaten yet. We stopped at a sushi place and then headed to the baltimore aquarium. The aquarium wasn't as great as I remember it being, but I think that's partially because I was so tense from my aunt seeing him, getting lost, being late, and people looking at us, wondering what we were about (he is a 64 year old Chinese man, there is no way he could pass as a dad.) I will say though, the octupus was awake and active, so that was worth the price of the ticket right there. We left before seeing the dolphins or Australian exhibit. I do regret that I guess, but I was just tired and overstimulated from the week.

We got on the wrong train, so we had to get off at another stop. He suggested getting a beer while we waited for a cab, I hated the idea, but there was a restaurant, and once we arrived, everything was calm.

The place was completely empty, and it was small so you could hear the rap music coming from the back room. We ordered a bottle of wine, but the guys were fumbling around with it for what seemed like 20 minutes. The food was good, and the wine helped. You could tell the guys in the back were very intrigued with our arrangement.

We took a cab back to the hotel, and the cab driver was even more intrigued. He even said "your a nice couple" which was funny to me. We got in the hotel room and started kissing immediately. He is a very nice kisser, and his mouth tasted the way raw pumpkins smell.

The sex was really great, some of the best ever. And one thing I want to say is, any feelings that a 64 year old is not sexy, because he or she has wrinkly skin, is self-hating. We will all have wrinkled skin one day, and it didn't look or feel bad, it just felt a little softer & looser than my skin. A sixty year old person is still a sexual person, they are just like they were when they were young, just with more life experience, and more aches and pains.

In fact, in the hotel room, we could fall in love. We were really in touch with each other, and it was really relaxing and fun. The only problem is the after effects. You shouldn't get an emotional attachment to someone that you could never have a normal future with.

I know I felt a little lonely the next day, and he said he was more fond of me than he expected. He suggested us taking a vacation to mexico or something, and I think that is a nice idea, but I don't want one of us to fall in love, because it can't end well.

And yes, I am including myself in that category of not wanting to fall in love. Even if he was 30 years old he is still catholic and republican, but I enjoyed him. He is very cute, though I dont think we have enough in common to have a real relationship.

I know now he is having a lot of catholic guilt, on my behalf as well. He thinks that my sexual history is bad, and though I would make different choices if I lived my life over, I am not ashamed of anything I have done, except when someone's feelings were hurt. I think his feelings are coming from a good place, a protective place.

So I had my older man fantasy, and although it wasn't exactly what I had in my head, it taught me alot. One thing it taught me is that I have a long sexual life ahead of me, and that makes me very happy. I also felt very beautiful, extremely beautiful, even with my chubby body and pale skin. I think feeling beautiful is the core of this fantasy, and it worked. Too bad I feel too stuffed up and tired to bask in the afterglow.

Skipping Class

I have a bad cold, I knew it was coming for a long time, but it took over yeaterday, and I have slept for the last 2 days. I am supposed to go to a running clinic tonight but I am skipping. I have a headache and the idea of running sounds bad, even though what I read online suggested it might help.

I am going to take a shower now, maybe the heat will steam up my sinuses and help.

Colds suck. Should I go to work tomorrow? I don't know

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Kant sleep in Kalispell

This is the second, or third night that I am up worrying, regarding Wheelchair Dude. The first and second time I was worried he might like me. I wrote him an honest e-mail telling him I wasn't physically attracted to him, and his response said he was just fine with it, but he is coming on very strong, saying we'll be friends forever and being way "too much."

I really want to be his friend. He is a person who was born with a degenerative disease, likely will not live another decade, and chose to leave his comfortable home where he was taken care of by his parents and start a business. I, for one, am pretty impressed and pretty inspired by that. But I am afraid that he will be hurt. And I suppose it's disrespectful to think of him as vulnerable when he is an adult just like me, but on the other hand there is no question that a person who was disabled since a young child is going to have a different experience than me, so I just fear that---

You know what, it's not him I'm worried about, it's me...I am getting red flags, left and right about him. If he weren't handicapped I would run for the hills from him. Not out of fear of physical harm, but of his terrible boundaries. I am having anxiety about him because his boundaries are terrible, and he wants to suck me into his life and fill the hole of loneliness with me. It's clear as day.

So what is the best move? Run for the hills or tell him "Dude! When you are all clingy and shit, people don't like that" I already did that a little. He wrote me something about how "we owe it to ourselves to lay it all on the table" and I said "uh...thats not healthy, I learned that in therapy and, you should like, go there" (paraphrasing)

I think that's what I'll do. I will spell out my boundaries and if he crosses them I'll say "I don't want to be your friend because of this, this, and this. I imagine most people don't like that, so you shouldn't do that, that has nothing to do with your wheelchair."

And may I say one thing about this dude. He wants a "normal" woman to be attracted to him. I guess we all want that, but he wrote on a craigslist ad that women are shallow. Well he doesn't have disabled friends, nor does he date disabled people, so give me a break. Who's shallow?

Uh, I feel so much better having written this. Some people just have a vibe that puts me at ease, this guy has a vibe that makes me tense. Thats the energy sucker vibe. The bad boundaries vibe. My instincts are very good. They only fail me when I try to overrule them with my mind. I don't think this is going to end well. Well, maybe it will, but it wont if I don't assert my boundaries strongly.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Not every night is party night

I have to get up for work in the morning, but tonight was the first trance night that Juan's friends are set up, so I spent an hour getting ready, feeling less than sexy (the $20 dress from marshall's is not as cute as I remember it being) and went.

The music and atmosphere were fantastic, aparently the city's top DJ was there, but I couldn't get drunk, and there werent enough people there, so I felt very self concious. I left after only a half hour, but unfortunately I had already had a beer (waste of calories)

Well now I have to wash a pound of makeup off my face, and I will have to take a shower in the morning even though I had one this evening, since I have a gallon of hairspray in my hair.

Oh well. If I knew how lame tonight would be I wouldn't have gone, but I was so excited about it, and I am glad to know what it's like for next time (when hopefully more people will be there)


Sunday, October 28, 2007

Fantasy and Curiosity

I have acted out a number of my sexual fantasies before. Most of the time the fantasy was better than reality. I think that in most cases, unless it's with your long-term partner, fantasies are best left as fantasies.

My older man fantasy was going to remain that way, I was never going to go out looking for it, but "60 year old" presented himself, and this is one fantasy that can only be fulfilled as a young woman, because the whole appeal of the fantasy is the power dynamic between a younger beautiful woman, and an older, more dominant man. I can be with an old man when I'm old, but at that point the dynamic will be different, so it can only be fulfilled when I am young, (and I wont be considered young for very much longer!)

As I have written before, I have a genuine crush on 60 year old. He has a very peaceful aura around him, much like Charles. I addressed the Multi level marketing scheme he is involved with, and it turns out he is only wasting $25 a month, and he signed up to help his friend. I don't agree with it, but I don't think he's a sucker, like I thought before. We have chatted on the phone now twice, and while I am over the idea of a relationship (he's a republican, Catholic, and did I mention SIXTY???) I still would want to fulfill my older man fantasy with him.

I brought it up last night, I asked him if he was morally against sex without love, and he said "I do not have casual sex" I took this as him being unwilling, but then he said some other things that made me think I sparked his interest. Then, today, I worded it differently. I told him about my fantasy, but pointed out that I wouldn't go out looking for it, and I wouldn't want to be tempting him into something that felt immoral to him. He sounded intrigued, and pleased, but I am not certian it will happen. I think if it does happen, he is a good person for it to happen with. I think that if I were older, I would really want to date him, even though he is Republican.

One fantasy that wont be happening is with a guy in a wheelchair. OK, that's never been a fantasy, more of a curiosity of what it would be like. It started when I was studying Physical Therapy, I wondered "what would I do if a client liked me?" at the time I think I was too uncomfortable with myself to consider dating someone in a wheelchair, but as I have aged and become wiser to what matters, I can say if I could find what I am looking for in a man, and his penis worked, I could happily fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair. Isn't that funny? A working penis is more important to me than working legs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I met the wheelchair guy yesterday. He was better than I expected personality wise, but not attractive to me at all. He has Muscular Dystrophy, and he is very skinny, cant move his hands, and has a ventilator in his neck. His personality was not what I want really anyway, he talked about himself too much, but even if he had that buddha like personality that I want, I don't think I would want to go forward with it. I learned from my relationship with Charles that sex and sexual attraction is very high in importance, so I couldn't go forward with it, even if his personality was what I am looking for.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

30 year old woman rejected by a 60 year old man- HA!

You heard me right. My 60 year old does not want sex with a woman half his age. What has the world come to?

I probably wont follow through with this fantasy, because I think what was attractive about this man was his sweetness and his sweetness is probably the reason he doesn't have casual sex. Probably the older guys who would want to have sex with me would not deserve me. I'll live.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


It's about 2:30 AM. My insomnia makes sense right now, because I have been staying up so late recently, but I am tossing and turning here at the hotel. I came downstairs because I thought writing out what is on my mind might help, but there is a REALLY annoying REALLY flamboyant guy in the room. He reminds me of my old roommate, and he's loud, and annoying, so I am not feeling more calm.

Here's what's stressing me, I was reading craigslist for fun, and this guy was writing about how women are shallow and wont date him because he's disabled. I wrote him a compassionate note with suggestions (including dont look for dates on Craigslist) and for some reason I kept the conversation going.

I think it's for the same reason I like to meet people from different countries and social groups, I thought it would be interesting to meet a disabled person and if their cool, be friends. But why didn't I think of the complications???

I'm a woman, he's a desperately horny man. I can't be positive but I think I have seen a few ad's from him and he sounded desperate. So now I am meeting him, with a normal (hopefully) attitude about meeting someone, but he is coming in eager, with little experience (I imagine) and he is going to have no game and I am going to be annoyed and never want to hang out with him again.

Swear to god, I could fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair, if he was completely normal mentally. But how "normal" mentally can you be if you have spent your whole life being so different? I just want to have coffee and talk about music, and maybe even physical therapy. But he has already showered me with compliments over the e-mail, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Not because he's in a wheelchair, because he's coming on too strong.

I want to take away everyone's pain. I have pity dated people before, just trying to boost them up, and sometimes it really worked, but at my expense. I am having major anxiety about this, and I have learned in life that it's important to follow my instincts.

So what do I do? I will for sure workout before meeting him, because it will make me calmer. But what do I do to calm myself tonight? Generalized Anxiety disorder is a bitch, and I think even though the risperdal made me gain weight, I will gain just as much weight from the extra anxiety without it.

Can't win.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I like streaking

20 minutes walking a day. Every day. No days off.

I want to get a streak going.

Yes, in normal circumstances, taking rests is healthy, but I am just talking a walk, not a run, or anything else hard core. And If I want to do yoga or stretching or weights instead of walking, thats fine, but it has to be every day.

I feel like I can do this, and a streak gets me motivated, because you just want to build on it.


Farting Girl

Oh, and tonight I was walking to our rooms with the pilots, and I was saying something and just let out the juicyest fart ever.

I laughed my ass off for 2 minutes straight. I think laughing was the best way to deal with it, because we were all laughing.

I pray they don't tell this story as a funny antecdote on trips. I dont want to be known as the farting girl! GOD how embarrassing!

I feel popular!

Guess what???

I am number 3 on the myspace friend's list for last week's music festival! I think this has to do with the wife of the co-organizer. I suppose as the roommate and buddy of the creator of the festival, it makes some sense now. (But Juan's myspace is way on the bottom, it should be number 1! [I sent a subtle hint about that to them])

I have a coffee date with a music management company owner next week, and he is taking on new bands, there was one I love in particular (a few, really) so maybe I can bring them together! Thing is, this guy is coming on VERY strong, so I am a little concerned that he might be annoying. I really dont want to hurt his feelings, & I am not ready for a boyfriend right now, and if I was- the hard sell never works on me. I'm too easily spooked. I just hope he will be okay with being friends, becuase it would be so cool to have another person to go to concerts with.

Well I need to go to bed now. I have been staying up SOOO late lately (but it's been so fun!) Juan is just what I needed in my life, he's like a husband & a gay boyfriend & a life coach all wrapped into one. I am leading a blessed life.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Up till 5AM, two nights in a row.

I came to this coffee shop specifically to write this blog post. I planned for it to be long and detailed about my amazing night last night.

I wrote a great post about it on my myspace, but I don't want to copy that verbatim on here, because it shows my identity too much. And you know what, I no longer have the steam to write a post about it, but maybe I will when I am back home, laying in my bed.

It was a great night. I met talented musicians with great personalities. I got re-inspired to explore my creativity, and to learn spanish.

I also remembered why it is that I love the "alternative" circle & the counter culture. Sometimes I feel excluded by them, sometimes I feel more included by mainstream people, but creative artistic people are the ones who inspire and excite me.

I also noticed that white Americans are sometimes embarrassing. All people are, but we have an oblivious nature that makes me shake my head.

I feel very happy, and so happy that I have a friend like Juan. It was another good night.

Big Ego

There is a guy at the coffee shop who kept looking up in my direction. I thought to myself "He loves me." Well just now I came up the stairs and saw him looking up in the same direction- at a girl right past my seat. ha ha

Saturday, October 20, 2007

End of the 60 year old crush- thank god

This whole 60 year old crush thing has been terribly confusing to me, fortunately he gave me a reason to not have a crush anymore. It seems he is falling for a multi-level-marketing scheme. I think if you can fall for those, you don't think in the same way I do.

I sent him a message telling him my opinion about MLM, he said that he feels there was a reason we met, maybe this is part of it. He has told me about CASA, and now I have been able to help him (hopefully) too.

Now instead of a strange, taboo relationship, we can have a normal, beneficial friendship. Maybe I will fulfill my older man fantasy, but if so I will do it in the context of a "torrid affair" not a relationship. Still a little kinky, but much more normal.

The Female Pickup Artist

Thats me YALL!

Alright, I am not going to go so far as to say I "picked up" the HAWTEST guy in the WORLD, but I think I had his attention, HE SURE GOT MINE!!!

Flying with chemistry/hatred pilot really wore me down today. This morning I was tired and cranky, and he had said for the hundreth time how he hates my state and all the taxes and liberals and I snapped at him and told him "if you hate it so much why dont you do us all a favor and switch bases" I said it with the hatred and intensity of a divorced couple. We bickered in the van to the airport for 5 minutes, and finally I figured out he gets off on conflict, and was going out of his way to upset me (he even tried to hurt my feelings, indirectly suggesting that my career isnt taking me anywhere- purely mean.) I finally said, "you know, we dont need to have this discussion. All we need is to operate the plane safely" a professional statement, but after I had already called him a dumbass. Did I mention he is the captain, as in "Pilot in Command" ???

This EXTREMELY negative guy really brought me down. I did a great job of keeping my spirits up, but I am on my period, and I am only human, so my mood slipped a little. Emma is leaving for Bangladesh in 4 days so she had a party. I DID NOT want to go. My mood was sour, and I often feel like an outsider amongst her mostly lesbian friends from her college. I spent an hour or so at home, just trying to get in the mood, and I knew I would be cheered up by The Pickup Artist Wingman Auditions youtube video.

That was linked to other Pickup artist stuff, and then I watched some guy named "Meow" or something, who's system or whatever is very similar to Mystery, but a little less smarmy. I watched it for awhile, and could really see myself in it a bit. Thats how charasmatic I am, I sometimes already do things that are being TAUGHT on a tape. Of course I am joking in the way I say it, but really, I should take pride in the fact that I DO have good social skills, GREAT ones in fact, I just need to learn how to get into that mode where they come out.

Eventually I got my head in the game, and I got my mojo on. Inspired by the reminder that I CAN work a room, if I am just relaxed and confident, I threw some earrings on and was ready to rock.

I arrived at the party and was fortunately welcomed by a nice lesbian right away. Emma and my former roommate Shane was there too, and he's a shy guy, so I sat with him and chatted most of the night. While we were chatting HE walked in...*the clouds part, and the angel arrives* There is a lotion commercial where a woman falls into the arms of a Moroccan looking guy, curly long black hair and a large nose. UH! HE WAS SOOOOOOO HOT!

So being the pickup artist I am, I just acted like I didn't notice him at all. I just went about my business. When Shane left I went into the kitchen with Emma. We bonded, especially because she was a drunk arse. I tell you what, I loved it. She is often very reserved, so it was so fun to see her happy and outgoing. We all moved to the living room, and then I casually asked him "how do you know Emma?"

Apparently he looked lost at a bus stop, and she let him use her phone. They hit it off, and this is the second time she met him. Him and I vibed. I sounded smart and positive, we had a lot in common- or at least I could hold my own. He is a professor in music theory, and has a band with a marxist message!

He just seems like an ideal man. Passionate yet a fan of monogamy. Honestly, I cant think of ANYTHING in the conversation that turned me off about him. He is pretty much ideal.

At about 3:30 we the got in my car and I came up with the awesome idea to ask him if his band has a myspace. I told him I will find it and add him as a friend. This way I avoided any weirdness in the end, it was brought up and the subject changed to social networking sites. The best part of this is, I add his band as a friend, and then I leave it. I haven't really made a move, but I left it open for him to. If he doesn't, I haven't been rejected. GENIUS!!!

Once he left the car Emma said "you like him!" to which I responded "I LOOOOOOOOOOVE HIM SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!" God he is SOOOO FOINE!

So even if I am not a pickup artist, I had a great time talking to my friend and the hottest guy at the party (did I mention he stayed after everyone left, until it was just the 3 of us) it was good for my confidence, and I will need that because tomorrow is Juan's concert, and he gave me staff credentials!!! I might meet & hang out with the bands, in fact, I think that is probable!!! Woo hoo!

It's 5:16 AM by the way. I'm the shiz-nay-ahhht!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Chemistry is a dirty whore

Remember when I posted about going to Chinatown in Toronto, with my crew, one of them being my crazy captian? I think I titled it "I can make out with my captain if I want to"

Well we are flying together again. And I hate him HATE him...and am very attracted to him.

It makes me sick. I am so attracted to him, but his personality is so vile I wanted to pour ice water on him at the restaurant today. He is an awful, and very disturbed person!

I am so glad I didn't end up dating him like I almost did a few years ago.

This 60 year old thing is going TOO FAR!

I just got another e-mail from my 60 year old. He sent me a picture. He looks adorable, and 60. He's wearing 60 year old person's clothes and 60 year old person's sunglasses. Yet, I find myself crushing on him still.

One thing that should stop me, since (for some REDICULOUS reason) the fact that he IS SIXTY hasn't stopped me, is he is Catholic. Catholics end up with Catholics in the end and I would never, ever, convert to Catholicism. Maybe I would try to, but the priest would see right through me. He (never she) would know I wasn't one of them by the look in my eyes when he'd say "Jesus is good- all other religions ARE DOOMED TO HELL! FEAR GOD! FEAR JESUS! FEAR ME! BWAH HA HA HA!" (<----thats the sort of thing that Catholic priests say, right?)

And of course, there is the sex thing, but he used to teach martial arts, so he could be in good enough shape that it still works (and that he is healthy enough that he could get "medical assistance" if necessary) And I have been reading about it, and it seems that men that age still have sex (and did you know that women just get more and more horny as they age??? Poor me! I will be a monster!) But again, he is Catholic, so even if it works, he might not believe in using it.

But those rational arguements aside, I just think- well duh!- that it is peculiar that I have a crush on such an old-ass guy. So what could the reason be? The first one is very easy- "Daddy Issues" I got 'em. I have lost a father figure in my life, because my dad's depression and anxiety have led him to bad choices, so he is not a role-model to me, and our strong bond broke during the 13 years he was constantly drunk. My crush appears to be responsible and healthy- a perfect father figure.

This leads to issue number 2- security. He is 60 years old, he is fully formed. I don't have to wonder if he will end up a screw up, I think "what you see is what you get" with someone at that age. He has his life together, so I would not have to go through the phase where we eat ramen noodles while we struggle and work too many hours to pay the mortgage for the too-big house we bought and are now stuck with because the market is so bad. Also, naively, I feel that he'd be less likely to cheat on me, but that has more to do with his personality than his age...he just seems to be a warm, kind person.

And then there is reason number 3...I am too damn old for my age. I am a fucking weirdo. Remember New-York-Name-Dropper-Man? Well I was 24 and he turned out to be 49 (lied and said he was 42) He was the first time I had entertained the idea of an older man, I just felt a connection with him that I had never felt with a man of my age. I felt like he understood me. I have had a weird life, so how can I find someone who understands me? Someone a little older has had more experiences, and hopefully more wisdom. And the demeanor that my crush has, appears wise.

Oh, and reason number 4. I'm lonely, and I felt nice when I talked to him. You know who else I felt nice when I talked to him? Charles. They both have "The Buddha Nature" it's this calm, serene thing that puts me at ease. (And I know it's weird, but I got turned on when my crush was asking me out! WEIRD!)

Funny thing is, I don't think my friends would judge me. I think they would say "Thats Diana for you" and discuss it behind my back (thats what we do, but not in a bad way.) They have already said they picture me ending up with an older man, but when they said "older" I dont think they meant "older than our fathers"

If I am not thinking about my age, I am just getting such a crush. We will see each other at the beginning of November, so I can see how the people stare, and see if I have the guts to deal with it. My question is...why doesn't he think it's weird???

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Oprah confronted Tom Cruise!!!

My Depression

So do I feel sad right now? No. But I do feel "Anhedonia" and "Psychomotor Retardation" I'm lazy and bored.

I did drink 3 glasses of wine last night, I wonder if that has anything to do with it today. All I know is I need to start eating better and working out. I don't want to get depressed again!

...Then again, my boobs hurt like crazy, maybe this is PMS?

I slept until 3:45PM

Depression? Bad diet? Grey sky?

Soulja Boy

Monday, October 15, 2007

$6 drunk

You know whats great about being on antidepressants? I'm a cheap drunk. 3 glasses of wine and I am pretty tipsy!

I just went out with one of the 90210 girls! I will call her Jenn. She was very normal and nice, as was her friend Hallie.

I also got a text from Kelsey, I waited a day or two to respond, and she didn't respond back, but at least I wasnt blown off, like I thought, from either girl.

Here's the one thing, I have terrible acne on my chin. It's a combo of bad food habits and bad skin-care habits, as it gets grey out I am getting LAZY!

I am hardly typing well.

Here is the message I got from Ashram today:

Thank you for sending this mail. Sorry,i had not seen this mail earlier than today or else i would not have texed you the message. Thanks again for calling me "Selfish". I tried my best and humble way to treat you but either as said it might be my communication or your thinking that is not working. There are many reasons to fight and disagree upon as you are right now but therehas to be many more ways to be cordial and bring happiness. You told me that i hurted you three times right!!!(Unintentionally!!)

* When you told bad about people who work in the mall, I haven't taken any offence.
[I told him I think it's bad business practice to accost people in the mall, trying to put lotion on their hands]
* When i went back to india due to my grandma's demise, you had never been there,I haven't taken any offence. [First I heard of this]
* You are saying "selfish", I haven't taken any offense.
[I don't remember saying "selfish" maybe it was some other girl who hates him]
* Non-Agreement on any thing, I haven't taken any offense.
[Read: Not aggreeing with everything I say, & speaking up]
* Hanging phone on my face not once but twice, I haven't taken any offense.
[Only once, on a day he wouldn't let me go when I clearly told him I wanted to...he has hung up on me twice]

I am happy with the way i treat every single person unless what they are interpreting? I like my friends irrespective of their status, nature, attitude or anything in good or bad thats why i believe they care for me(Either at my grandma's funeral or my brothers wedding). I never choose people for my benefit in the name of any relationship or friendship.

Thanks and Best of Luck,
May God bless you with all the happiness and fulfill all your dreams.

"Friendship is about letting other friend express themselves and help them in being good not about leaving the hand in time of need"

[Big loss- lunatic!]

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I love You Tube

I got some tounge action today

Gosh! I don't post anymore, and when I do, I just dont give the rediculous detail that I used to. What's the deal with that? There are bigger things for me to be worried about, but I still wish I was writing more about my silly life, it's so fun to read about it later on and say "no way was that my life!"

Today Juan took me to a babtism party, wow, come to think of it, it was his neice. Well remember, Juan is Mexican, so this party was middle class Mexicans, and Mexicans speak...Spanish.

Yup, I spent hours at a party listening to people speaking Spanish. This is what it sounded like to me "weekend"..."then"..."yes"..."D.F."..."grandfather" and so on, and so on. I was impressed with the amount I could understand, but it wasn't enough for me to enjoy myself.

Right away when we arrived I met the Argentine sister of a man I met at a networking party the other night (where everyone spoke english except the nervous white guy trying to impress everyone with his Spanish.) She seemed to not like me, but she was speaking in english (as a courtesy to me) and she was discussing the fact that she has Lupus. She left early and I wonder if she just has a hard time of things in general, and that it wasn't personal.

After speaking with Juan and the Argentine woman for awhile I was so cold that I decided to go buy a sweater. Yes, I realize this is weird, but in the middle of October I didn't know we would be having the party OUTDOORS! I returned back with an adorable white cable knit sweater that I got for $6 at Saver's and Juan brought me to the food, he told me I should start with Menudo, a soup, to warm up.

The lovely mother of the babtised child started dishing up the soup for me, and instead of giving me lots of broth, she gave me lots of meat, I could tell from where I was standing, I did not want this meat...I looked closely at the heavy bowl and saw sticking out of the broth BONE MARROW AND TOUNGE!!!

I was very mad at Juan at this point. He knew from a trip to a taco store that I am not brave enough to eat tounge. He could have warned me, so I could just take some broth. But he didn't, so here I was, with this bowl FILLED with tounge, about to look extremely rude.

I sipped the broth, which tasted awful by the way, LIKE TOUNGE, and tried to wash away the taste with chips, lime, onions and cilantro. After 10 minutes I whispered in Juan's ear that he had to trade soups with me so I didn't look rude. He did eventually, but his cousin saw it. I had some chicken tacos afterward which were good.

I listened to more Spanish conversation, and watched 6 kids jumping and roughhousing on a trampoline with 4 springs gone. I cringed as I imagined all of the potential spinal damage that could happen to those children, but I also cringed at the fact that these children are active, and have fun, where my children will be under my anxious thumb, always worrying about them getting hurt.

The kids were very cute. There was one game where the adults threw quarters in the air, and the kids all chased after them. One boy hurt his hand and was crying, and a little boy gave him his quarter. I was watching them, thinking, "what a group of nice kids" and then an older kid started chasing after a younger one, trying to get his money. Oh well, what a group of MOSTLY nice kids.

Later the pinata was put on a string. And the kids got in a circle around it, while an uncle waved it above one child's head, who tryed to hit it with a stick. The group chanted a cute little song that everyone knew, and when the song was over, someone else took a turn. I asked what the chant meant, and a woman said "hit the pinata or we will hit you in the head" I looked online for the chant, and didn't find that, so I will have to double check with Juan.

I got too impatient to wait for the cake. It was 8 at night and we were STILL outside! I left and Juan walked me to the car. He said people probably didn't realize I don't speak spanish. I was just happy to leave. It wasn't torture, but I really didn't have any fun. I felt excluded.

I spent a few hours at Target, TJMaxx, Famous Footwear and Kohl's. I got a sweater jacket for only $22, I was so excited, and though I found some knee high boots for $22, I decided man-made might look cheap, and it's easy to look cheap in knee high boots, so I decided to pass until I find a better pair.

I got home and wrote an e-mail to the 60 year old. You know what's embarrassing? Stupidly, I have this crush on him. But I am obviously forgetting that we would look WEIRD together, and his penis is probably tiny (he is a short Chinese man) and probably stopped working 15 years ago! Not to mention, I would get frustrated by his old person habits, and he would find me immature. He just had a nice smile, and seemed/seems so smitten. I guess thats what I want, someone responsible & mature, with a nice smile, who is smitten with me...AND has a LARGE, HARD penis. And after all of this, once again, can I remind you Diana, YOU WOULD LOOK REALLY WEIRD TOGETHER!

Now it's nearly one and I'm not tired at all. I had 2 cups of coffee at the party, because it was OUTDOORS IN OCTOBER! So now what? I dont know. I certianly am not going to clean.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Airline Trick

Here's the trick that the airlines play on get low pay, difficult hours, and more and more work is piled upon you as jobs are cut, but you get free travel!

Yaaaaay free travel! Who could beat that???

It's a trick.

I wanted to go to Arizona this weekend, I have a long string of days off. Well there are no open seats on any of the flights!!! Many of them are overbooked!

So you get free travel IF you can get time off, money for food and lodging, and onto a flight.

And if you can get on a flight somewhere...good luck getting home!

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Camera adds 10 pounds

Juan just e-mailed me a cute ad he made of me as a bauch and lomb model. It's very cute, but he put it next to a real model (I am sure it made sense to him why he did it, it look like he spent some time on it)

All I can think of is how fat I am.

It's really disappointing. I don't look that fat in the mirror. I have a photographer/graphic artist using photoshop and all those tricks, and I still look fat.

I think it would have been better if he hadn't put the pic of the real model next to mine.

How ungrateful of me (at least he e-mailed it to me, instead of showing it to me in person, where he would see my disappointment.)

UPDATE: AAAH, I get it, he made it look like it was a magazine that had been opened, one page with a model on it, the other page with my "ad" on it. It's so sweet. I will be gracious- in the morning when I'm done pouting

Sunday, October 07, 2007

I was right (of course I was)

A few days ago before a trip, I complained about not having enough energy. I said "I just wish I had more-" and then I realized that was completely within my control. If I want more energy, I should eat more vegetables, less fat, and excercise more!

Well, I am not excercising much, but I have reintroduced lots of veggies into my diet. I feel great! The other day I ate a sandwich covered in tons of veggies, and I felt like a million dollars! And when I eat a sleeve of Pringles, or something fried- I feel DEPRESSED!

So depressed people- start by switching from white carbs to whole grain. Then add lots of veggies to your diet. Then try to cut out the mayo & cream sauces. If you really want to feel good, get rid of the cheese too, but a little cheese isn't so bad, if it helps you stick to healthy eating. Eat slowly and drink lots of water (not sugar pop, or even diet pop) You will be amazed at how you feel!

If you have the problem of eating too few calories, try eating more (from healthy sources, whole grains, vegetables & lean protiens) you will feel healthier, and you wont have to worry about gaining weight, because these are things that are great for your health, and will rev up your metabolism instead of slowing it like starving yourselves.

The best part of Weight Watchers was not the weight loss, it was recognizing the effects food have on my mood and energy. If you are depressed, please give this idea a chance! Candy and greasy food makes you feel pleasure for a second, but if you eat more than a bite or two, it makes you MORE depressed.

Now I need to practice what I preach with excercise!

SIDE NOTE: Apparently omega 3s may help depression, bipolar, ADHD & about a million other things. Get it from fish oil pills, not flax oil, because your body absorbs them better. I suggest an "odorless" type, or you can keep them in the freezer, otherwise you get fish burps.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

I'm not horny anymore

Those were a weird two days! My brain was sicko! I am guessing I must have been ovulating.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out the cause of the hornyness. I started taking fish-oil pills, I baked and ate a lot of chocolate cupcakes, could these be the reasons?

Juan and I also did a photo shoot. It was SOOOOO FUN! His lights flash when the picture is taken, we have a lot of fun so I got into it and enjoyed it, unlike with my dad's friend the russian guy, his personality was so annoying. I wonder if the photo shoot might have gotten me excited, I think that Juan, for the first time, realized I am pretty, so maybe that bit of attention got me excited. Who knows.

I would say I am glad it's over, but I'm not 100% glad. It was sort of fun, though it frightened me a bit, because I didn't want to do something I'd regret. Like with a pilot. Like I was so ready to do this week.

Tell you what...being horny makes you attractive to men! I liked that part :)

Friday, October 05, 2007


Ladies and gentleman, my life is very good right now. I have had so many fun times, and I should really be blogging about them, so I can hold on to the fun for a lifetime, but I am not doing that enough.

Tonight I went to a networking event that Juan organizes. It was fun, and people like me.

I want to go to bed now. I didn't eat enough today (bad planning) so I went home at about 11. Fortunately I drove fine.

Off to bed...I wish I was sharing more, maybe tomorrow

Italian Stallions & Sugar Daddies

I have the hots for Italian Guido types. Have I ever gone down that road? No. Am I allowed to use a pejorative term like Guido when I am middle class and not Italian? Probably not. But I think racism towards a white person is a little more forgivable so please let me get on with being really objectifying...

Those big, muscular, dumb as a board types...make me melt. What is weird is the ghetto black man, pretty much the same in every way, doesn't appeal to me. But those Italian stereotype guys. UH! God they make me horny!

I have been looking at Craigslist again, but it's just for fun. I'm not going to have any one night stands with strangers. But OH BOY! There is this man on Craigslist, he is requesting a no strings attached hook up! He is just there, asking for sex! Its not like he is on the plane, and I would have to flirt with him and try to show I was interested and wait for him to invite me out, no- he is there- easy to get- requesting sex!

Isn't this like having cookies or potato chips in the house? You know they aren't good for you, but you have them anyway, because they are there and they are SO GOOD!

Maybe I should contact him. He is a sexy young buck. I should have more memories of sexy young bucks in my head, for when I get older. Who knows.

Speaking of age differences, I have an older man fantasy that I am planning to follow through with if given a good opportunity. The fantasy involves being young and pretty, and being with an older, but powerful and dominant man. I want to follow through with it because I can only do it when I am young. When I am an older woman with an older man it will be a different dynamic, so I know my time is limited.

Funny thing is, I may have met someone to have this fantasy with. This cute little asian man, probably in his late 50's chatted with me during the flight and late in the flight said "I am very taken by you" and invited me to coffee.

We exchanged e-mail addresses and I can't believe I am saying this, but I was genuinely attracted to him! It was his smile, his confidence (An old-ass man like that thinking he has a chance with a woman half his age???) and his approach were all appealing to me. He seemed like a shy boy as he asked me, and it made me feel special to hear "I find myself taken by you."

Now heres the thing...if you are going to go into that murky territory...older man, younger woman better have a plan. I think it is a natural move for an older man to want to give material things to compensate for his age, and I think it's a natural move for a...well...human being, to want to get material things. But if you don't have a set of standards, you are at risk of becoming basically a prostitute, let's face it. I am not saying I am opposed to prostitution in all cases, I just personally don't want to be one.

For one there has to be genuine attraction and enjoyment of eachothers company. If you think he is fat and gross, or hate his jokes, but pretend to like them because he gives you stuff, that is exchanging sex for money.

I think gifts & cash are inappropriate, but things like fancy dinners, or activities are appropriate, because they are shared experiences. Gifts like lingere count as a shared experience too, because both people get to enjoy them. I guess jewelry counts too. Ha ha. Just kidding.

Another important boundary is that the power dynamic must be equal. If the woman (or should I say less financially endowed person) has opinions, preferences, limits, these must be respected as in any relationship. And lastly, as always, dating a married person is never, ever, in any circumstances, okay.

This man was on his way to a Catholic retreat, so any kinky ideas I have may be compeletly in my head, never to happen. But that is okay. I was touched by the way he approached me and if I instead have coffee with a smiling man who says I have "something about me" that is pretty cool too. (And a little less taboo)

Hey- don't judge me!- It's not like I invite Italian strangers to my house for adult activities! Even though I want to.

Monday, October 01, 2007

I am so glad I'm not a man

How do men stand having penises? How can they survive, being so horny all the time? I am rediculously horny lately. I guess this is a good thing, right? It's a sign of depression and anxiety being reduced, but I feel like I am going to pop!

Now is the time I should see my therapist. I have been looking at craigslist (just for fun, not seriously) and looking at the ads. People are into some prety crazy stuff! I would be lying if I said it didn't excite me to fantasize about it. There are a few guys on there offering "free erotic massage" one claims to be a former professional massage therapist, that sounds pretty good to me, a free massage, with a happy ending! But come on. Fortunately I know better than that now. I am so lucky that in my wilder days I didn't get raped, killed, or an STD (I used protection, but things break, and condoms dont protect from everything)

I am hoping I can turn this energy into a good thing. Maybe it will inspire me to focus on my health more, and to be brave enough to try dating again. God I hope so.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

3 months 10 days

According to my blog, it's been 3 months and 10 days since I have had sex.

It seems like more. It seems like ages.

I don't think I am ready to date yet, but I am ready to makeout, and if it was good, ready for sex. But you know, I think I should only have sex with a good guy with relationship potential, right? Blech!

Poor me

I feel sick about it

Twice I have forgotten my passport, and I have forgotten my ID badge before. All very important things you must have, and it reflects very poorly on me to not have them.

Well today I forgot my badge again. My gut told me I was better off saying I was sick than admitting to forgetting it. I feel like I am in less trouble that way, and I don't have to face delayed passengers, but I hate doing it.

I sincerely feel sick. I guess I always do. But the anxiety of lying makes me feel even sicker, and ruins the fun of a day (or more) off. And I have to come up with a good strategy- do I call in again tomorrow, to make it look like a more genuine illness?, (and to not have to work 6 consecutive days) or do I go back tomorrow, and suggest maybe I had eaten a bad breakfast (which prevents the suggestion of going to the doctor)

The funniest part of all of this is I made extra sure that I had my passport. DUH!

I hope I keep my job

UPDATE: The anxiety put me dead to sleep. I slept between 10:30AM and 3:45PM. I dreamt that I was in a gym glass, (although I am 30) and they wanted us to get into groups of 4. I was having a difficult time getting into a group because they kept shifting around, and I found myself getting resentful, I felt that at 30 years old this was undignified, and I walked out. I was wearing no pants or socks, and it was snowy outside, but I only lived 2 blocks from home.

As dreams do I was in a car, then not, and I ended up getting really far from my house. At one point there was a van, and I walked through the van to cross the street. I asked the people in the van if they would take me the last two blocks, and instead they took me really far to a trailer park that they were all staying in. They were fans of a band and follwed the band around the country. Some of the people loved me, one in particular hated me. After awhile the one who didn't like me invited me to leave, and I did, and myself and a few others got robbed before we even were out of the trailer park!

When I finally got out of the trailer park I was very happy, but of course I got lost again. I saw a girl slouching and frowning, and I said "hey, smile!" and when she stood up straight and smiled she kept falling over. Dreams are weird. I think I woke up before getting home.

I'm not as anxious now I guess. But I think I should probably try to go to work tomorrow, if lying makes me this anxious.

Friday, September 28, 2007

I answered my own question-before starting the post

Starting tomorrow I have two 3 day trips back to back. That's harsh. I was about to comment "It's not more time that I want- it's more energy" And I realized that if energy is what I want, I can eat more vegetables, less fat and refined carbohydrates, and excercise more.

Now of course if I excercised and ate healthier foods, the schedule I have recieved would still suck. But I just had 4 days off, and I still dont feel rearing to go for my trip. I feel that if I had more energy, I would accomplish more and feel caught up.

But what am I talking about? I have the laundry done & garbage taken out, and it's only 9:30PM. All I have to is wash the dishes and pack, and I am good to go to bed. Some times it's hard to look on the bright side. I am not bursting with energy- but do I want to be bursting with energy at 9:30PM? No, I want to be winding down for the day. I am getting done what I need to, so no need to worry.

And as an added bonus- my roommate disappears for days at a time, so I don't have to worry about offending him with the mess.

I still wish I only had 1 3 day trip.

My friends say I should "get over that"

I told Carrie and Jane about my feelings when I saw the pictures from the wedding. They were surprised to hear I thought I looked bad. Jane said her husband mentioned how much weight I had lost, and she thought that me in my brown swimsuit was the most svelte she had ever seen me. Both Jane and Carrie said I should "get over that." I trust these women. I imagine they are probably right.

I just found a dating site for liberals. Maybe thats what I need to do. I think I need to just accept myself. I am thinking I should get back to about 187, (I am weighing in at 192 right now, after a weekend of eating like crazy.) After I get to 187 I should just work on maintaining it for awhile, and just focus on getting enough veggies, moderate fat, and getting some excercise, for health, not weight loss.

I am in a stage of rebellion right now. I am just so sick of eating perfectly. (I have been very careful for about a year now) I just want to be "bad"- and I am going overboard. I started tonight, I had a lean cuisine entree with a large side of broccoli.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

My "90210 friends"

As I had posted about earlier, twice I had hung out with some trendy people. This was because of Kelsey, a bombshell who used to work at my airline. As I had written before, things felt a little false, and hanging out with them reminded me of how grateful I am to have true friends, but I still enjoyed being accepted by the scariest of scary groups- the trendy people.

Well at the last event I was telling the story of how my last two single friends left town, so I was so grateful to be going out. A girl named Jenn said we should hang out, and I was excited but tried to be cool about it, and we exchanged numbers.

So here's how I dealt with it...I suggested going out one night, she had a friend from "Cali" in town, and I just felt like I would be a third wheel. I found a way to back out when she said her friend would be coming in late, and said lets do it another time. Then I suggested happy hour this week, and we had plans, but she just texted me saying she has a headache- can we reschedule. I wrote back and said I have weekends off so text me when a day works for you. So I am officially off the hook. If she was sincere about wanting to hang out she can contact me, if she doesn't want to hang out, then I know for sure, without doing anything.

And where has Kelsey disappeared to? She sent me a text message saying "Sara and I were wondering if you know where to get the morning after pill?" I texted back "any pharmacy" and never heard from her again. I sent her a text inviting her to hang out with Jenn and I both times, and never heard a word. Then, I texted her asking the name of one of the guys we were with, and she never texted back.

In the long run, I am not missing out on a good friend in Kelsey, I was never under that illusion once I got to know her. It's so much better to be blown off impersonally than to have it happen in front of other people. I am very disappointed to lose the outlet of getting to see how the trendy people live, but her positive influence in my life has already taken hold, and with a vengeance. Being around her, and other people who take being beautiful very seriously, somehow made me feel okay about it. Do I feel it is important? No, it is only important in the way it makes you feel about yourself.

Ever since then I have been changing my life around- cleaning and shopping (within my means) a lot. Until being knocked down by Ashram last night, I have not felt down in the dumps for ages. And best of all, even after being "accepted" by the "in crowd" (or as Jane titled them- my "90210 friends") I knew who I really am, and who my true friends are- and those trendy people were NOT IT. I wouldn't say I was mocking them in my head, (maybe to my friends a little) but I was analyzing their choices, and feeling proud of mine. Well- except the choice of them going to the gym every day while I lay on my bed eating.

"The Herb" made everything ok

Last night I sat on my massage cushion and that helped my mood. I was sitting trying to think of what could make me feel better and I thought a man making out with me, saying I am really hot would help, but I probably wouldn't be in the mood because I was feeling so unsexy. Then when I imagined a backrub, and I knew that was what I needed. I sat on the cushion, and it really helped.

I took a valerian root pill to help me sleep better. I wondered why the heck I don't take them everyday I'm not working. If I don't have to get up in the morning then why not be sure I get a good nights sleep, and reset my schedule?

I did sleep well. I didn't wake up at 4AM like usual, and toss and turn for an hour, and I had no trouble falling asleep either, I didn't lay in bed thinking about how fat and ugly I felt at the moment. I just went to sleep, and stayed asleep.

Some good news when I got up. The scale has me at 2 pounds over my lowest weight this year. So I can feel confident that I look as good as I did when everything was going so well (Hell! Everything was going well when I was up 8 pounds) so i can just look forward to a good day, to picking myself back up and going back to the great mood I was in.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Turning the Computer OFF!

For the first time in over a month, I am back in front of my computer, looking at the same websites over and over. My new boost in self-esteem is fragile, and vulnerable, and Ashram knocked me down a few levels.

I am going to turn off my computer now. I am not going to slip back into that feeling. No man is allowed to do that to me!

You make me feel bad about myself. Not just today, consistently.

I no longer wish to be a part of a friendship with you. I choose only to allow people in my life who build me up, not knock me down.

I am sending you this e-mail, instead of just no longer answering your calls, so you can learn from it and learn to treat people differently.

Good luck in your life

I feel bad about myself right now

Ashram makes me feel bad about myself. I feel very anxious and upset right now, more than I have felt in a long time. I need to deep breathe and make this anxiety go away.

I was supposed to meet up with Ashram today or tomorrow, and so I was talking on the phone to him about it. I told him I forgot that we were getting together, so I ate dinner already. He asked what I ate and I told him I made a spaghetti sauce with lots of vegetables. He said "oh you are taking care of yourself now. You used to eat meat and tacos and now you are eating vegetables" Well first of all, I love vegetables, always have. And back when I hung out with him I was taking much better care of my health than I am now.

This isn't the first time he has made me feel bad. He seems to do it a lot. I guess I just let him back into my life because I didn't really care that much about him (probably because he makes me feel bad) and I just sort of kept him around because he was someone to kiss, and to distract me from missing Charles.

After he said that I said "Geez, you really know how to make a girl feel bad about herself" and he was obviously sorry, but the damage is done (and if it was the first time he hurt my feelings it would be forgiveable) After that he did not want me to get off the phone with him until I wasn't mad anymore, and so of course I just got more and more mad. I hung up on him, and then he called back and hung up on me. Now I have my phone turned off. I am not a person who hangs up on people, by the way.

I am dealing a little better now, but I guess me saying I don't care what he thinks is untrue. I care enough that I am very hurt. VERY hurt. The other time he did this I had pressed him to say he thinks I am pretty. Not because I am a person who needs to hear it, but because I knew he didn't, and I needed to confront him. He not only couldn't say he thinks I am pretty, he said "that shouldn't matter."

I know I am not ugly. I think I am fat, but many people think I am attractive, so there is no reason for me to kiss someone who doesnt. In fact, I think he thinks I am attractive, he just isnt willing to give me the power of complimenting me. He wants me to be insecure so I will think I have less options, and therefore want him more. If this sounds familiar to anyone, you are dealing with a future abuser.

I feel better, but less happy than I was feeling. I will send him an e-mail saying "I dont want to hang out anymore" and be done with him. Why an e-mail? I dont want any phone messages from him, and I want him to know exactly why I don't want to be friends, so he has the ability to change it if he wants to for the next person.

What a jerk!

Who is that fat girl?

I just saw pictures of Linda's wedding.

I'm fat. Very, very, fat.

Tomorrow is it. No more funny business. Back to weight watchers, back to working out.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I will miss his southern drawl

I made it to work. I didn't call in sick, I wasn't late, I made it, and I was tired but it was all good. I tell you what, except for the lack of sleep, I just love my job. It's just fun. Well, except for the lack of sleep and the money, but I shouldn't be complaining about that right now- although it's time for me to quit shopping, because my money is back to normal now (oops! I was going to put some aside to go to Bangladesh! I better get on that!)

So anyway it was a fun trip. I flew with a favorite pilot, who has been there from the beginning. He talks with a strong southern twang, and he talks a lot! It was fun. He is going to what I will call "the new base" because we are going to start flying for a new carrier. I will miss him. I miss a lot of the old pilots, because our airline is a regional, so it is only a stepping stone for pilots.

Today in the crew lounge was like being reunited with all the best of them. First let me mention the one I am in love with (which one? you ask) well I don't know what I called him, but he is my favorite. He just got engaged, but I know that he would be interested if he wasnt. It gives me hope. HE would totally be the one. Him and I were cracking up about "The pick up artist." Then there was a guy who sold me the PDA phone a few years ago. And my biking buddy, remember him? And vegetarian dreamboat pilot was there, and the Nigerian guy who has a crush on me and who volunteers for children. Was there anyone else there? I swear there was. I just looked like the most popular girl in school. Oh yeah, the older guy who makes me melt (GOD I CANT REMEMBER THE NAMES I MADE UP FOR THESE GUYS!)

Maybe the highlight of the week was singing in the plane. There were two times I was getting really worn out, so I was singing songs over the loudspeaker before the passengers came on. The captain was cheering me on, but you know what? I can never tell if he is sincere. I don't care. It really cheered me up. I just wanted to laugh and singing really does relieve stress.

And then at the end of the day I went to IKEA. But that's the end of my shopping for awhile. I can go to goodwill but thats it. I am down to the normal amount of money (except without credit card debt) so I want to keep it that way. I am happy I spent the money. When I started this blog I was unwilling to buy socks that cost more than a dollar a pair, so I wore greyed socks with all the elastic gone, I didn't feel I deserved any better. This month I have bought alot, but still (well) within reason. My most expensive purchase was probably a $30 pair of silver earrings.

I am giving myself an unintentional life makeover. I think that I know inside that I have changed for the better, and I am wanting to shed the depressed identity and replace it with a more current identity that reflects more accurately how I feel about myself.

Once again, I want all of you depressed people to hear me here I WAS AS DEPRESSED AS YOU ARE! I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. YOU CAN BE THIS CONTENT TOO! Stay in therapy, learn to think positively, be your own best friend, and find a way to help others. It will happen. I was suicidal in 2002, so it took a few years, but like it says on the bottom of my blog, every little thing you do to be healthier adds up. You don't see it at first, but it is there, and the tiny pebbles add up, and one day, if you don't give up, you can be on solid ground, like I am.

Okay, enough complaining about not getting enough sleep- howabout I go to bed now?