I love it when I screw up!

Isn't it great when you think you have to be ready at a certian time, then you realize you had the time wrong, and you get a free hour? That happened to me today, and fortunately I figured it out now that I am awake with coffee in me, instead of when I was in bed, with control over the snooze button.

It's been quite a week. As you know I got a cold and took work off. Well during that time, Mitch sent me flowers and had been texting me and calling me every day since our encounter. He was saying he had feelings for me. I will be honest, I have feelings for him too, but not so much that I would go through the difficulty of dating someone so much older. I felt really sad when I was on my way home from baltiomore, but then I imagined what it would be like to date or marry him, all the stares and judgement and health problems, it brought me back to reality.

Well Mitch hadn't come back to reality yet. And I felt really crowded by our constant contact. Twice, when I forgot to call him (yes we were talking about intense stuff) he guilt tripped me, the first time pissed me off, the second time I told him I need about a 3 week break (I think he needs it more than I do, to get back into reality.) Believe it or not I miss him, but I prefer my space.

During this time I adopted 29 babies- we got a fish tank! I have been OBSESSED with it. It is pretty much stabilized now, but I have done SO MUCH work on it. Juan would do more, he has a lot of aquarium experience, but he has been working on a lot of accounts, and I was not willing to wait. I couldn't relax until the aquarium was healthy for the fish. I have a lot to write about there.

Also during this time I think my neighbor and I made a truce. His ex-girlfriend says he has worked to cut down on his drinking. I do miss him I guess, well, I miss the OLD him, the weird him that was coming out later on I dont miss.

Anything else happen in this very full week? Oh yeah, Wheelchair dude. We went to a concert. He has stopped being weird, he has given me my space. We had fun, him, me, and his 24 year old gay nurse, it was a good time. We went to a concert, and the music was NOT MY STYLE, so that wasnt a good time, but the banter and hanging out was fun. I'm glad. I think having a friend so different from me would help me grow into a better person, and teach me a lot. And of course I think I have a lot to give to a disabled person as a friend, by just acting normal. I know that not everyone is able to do this.

So what a week! And now I am back to work...Speaking of, I better start getting ready, I had SOME extra time, but not that much!

I feel SOOOO much better!

AAAAH! My mood and energy are so much better. If the flight left later today I might even go to work today, but I am thinking I am just going to stay home the whole trip, or maybe I will take a turn tomorrow, but thats it. I have to go pick up my purse, so why not make the trip worth my while, AAH fugedaboudit! I'm staying home and recovering.

I am getting a lot done. Once you have rested for 3 days you get restless!

And a great side effect? After sleeping for 2 days, I got up at 8 the other day, and now I am getting up between 7-9 every day. I love it!

Sometimes its not a good thing to be such a tough bitch

As anyone with depression knows, you feel sick most of the time. If you have depression and you called in sick every time you felt like you couldn't go to work, well you wouldn't have to go to work, because you'd have no job.

So I try to never call in sick, even when I am sick.

Yesterday I felt a lot better, so I decided to go into work. I did fine for the first flight, but then we sat for 3 hours, and the second flight just felt really hard. I called in and went home.

The dumb thing is I felt so guilty. I felt like I was faking, I guess since I was able to stand upright I figured I am the picture of health. But when you have a head full of phlegm, it doesnt feel very good to be in a pressurized airplane. Not to mention the long hours. If I could work 5, or even 8 hours a day, I would be fine, but I can't handle the 12 hour days right now.

Its now my goal to drink more water than I have in my entire life. Water works miracles.

I feel sick about it

Twice I have forgotten my passport, and I have forgotten my ID badge before. All very important things you must have, and it reflects very poorly on me to not have them.

Well today I forgot my badge again. My gut told me I was better off saying I was sick than admitting to forgetting it. I feel like I am in less trouble that way, and I don't have to face delayed passengers, but I hate doing it.

I sincerely feel sick. I guess I always do. But the anxiety of lying makes me feel even sicker, and ruins the fun of a day (or more) off. And I have to come up with a good strategy- do I call in again tomorrow, to make it look like a more genuine illness?, (and to not have to work 6 consecutive days) or do I go back tomorrow, and suggest maybe I had eaten a bad breakfast (which prevents the suggestion of going to the doctor)

The funniest part of all of this is I made extra sure that I had my passport. DUH!

I hope I keep my job

UPDATE: The anxiety put me dead to sleep. I slept between 10:30AM and 3:45PM. I dreamt that I was in a gym glass, (although I am 30) and they wanted us to get into groups of 4. I was having a difficult time getting into a group because they kept shifting around, and I found myself getting resentful, I felt that at 30 years old this was undignified, and I walked out. I was wearing no pants or socks, and it was snowy outside, but I only lived 2 blocks from home.

As dreams do I was in a car, then not, and I ended up getting really far from my house. At one point there was a van, and I walked through the van to cross the street. I asked the people in the van if they would take me the last two blocks, and instead they took me really far to a trailer park that they were all staying in. They were fans of a band and follwed the band around the country. Some of the people loved me, one in particular hated me. After awhile the one who didn't like me invited me to leave, and I did, and myself and a few others got robbed before we even were out of the trailer park!

When I finally got out of the trailer park I was very happy, but of course I got lost again. I saw a girl slouching and frowning, and I said "hey, smile!" and when she stood up straight and smiled she kept falling over. Dreams are weird. I think I woke up before getting home.

I'm not as anxious now I guess. But I think I should probably try to go to work tomorrow, if lying makes me this anxious.

I answered my own question-before starting the post

Starting tomorrow I have two 3 day trips back to back. That's harsh. I was about to comment "It's not more time that I want- it's more energy" And I realized that if energy is what I want, I can eat more vegetables, less fat and refined carbohydrates, and excercise more.

Now of course if I excercised and ate healthier foods, the schedule I have recieved would still suck. But I just had 4 days off, and I still dont feel rearing to go for my trip. I feel that if I had more energy, I would accomplish more and feel caught up.

But what am I talking about? I have the laundry done & garbage taken out, and it's only 9:30PM. All I have to is wash the dishes and pack, and I am good to go to bed. Some times it's hard to look on the bright side. I am not bursting with energy- but do I want to be bursting with energy at 9:30PM? No, I want to be winding down for the day. I am getting done what I need to, so no need to worry.

And as an added bonus- my roommate disappears for days at a time, so I don't have to worry about offending him with the mess.

I still wish I only had 1 3 day trip.

I will miss his southern drawl

I made it to work. I didn't call in sick, I wasn't late, I made it, and I was tired but it was all good. I tell you what, except for the lack of sleep, I just love my job. It's just fun. Well, except for the lack of sleep and the money, but I shouldn't be complaining about that right now- although it's time for me to quit shopping, because my money is back to normal now (oops! I was going to put some aside to go to Bangladesh! I better get on that!)

So anyway it was a fun trip. I flew with a favorite pilot, who has been there from the beginning. He talks with a strong southern twang, and he talks a lot! It was fun. He is going to what I will call "the new base" because we are going to start flying for a new carrier. I will miss him. I miss a lot of the old pilots, because our airline is a regional, so it is only a stepping stone for pilots.

Today in the crew lounge was like being reunited with all the best of them. First let me mention the one I am in love with (which one? you ask) well I don't know what I called him, but he is my favorite. He just got engaged, but I know that he would be interested if he wasnt. It gives me hope. HE would totally be the one. Him and I were cracking up about "The pick up artist." Then there was a guy who sold me the PDA phone a few years ago. And my biking buddy, remember him? And vegetarian dreamboat pilot was there, and the Nigerian guy who has a crush on me and who volunteers for children. Was there anyone else there? I swear there was. I just looked like the most popular girl in school. Oh yeah, the older guy who makes me melt (GOD I CANT REMEMBER THE NAMES I MADE UP FOR THESE GUYS!)

Maybe the highlight of the week was singing in the plane. There were two times I was getting really worn out, so I was singing songs over the loudspeaker before the passengers came on. The captain was cheering me on, but you know what? I can never tell if he is sincere. I don't care. It really cheered me up. I just wanted to laugh and singing really does relieve stress.

And then at the end of the day I went to IKEA. But that's the end of my shopping for awhile. I can go to goodwill but thats it. I am down to the normal amount of money (except without credit card debt) so I want to keep it that way. I am happy I spent the money. When I started this blog I was unwilling to buy socks that cost more than a dollar a pair, so I wore greyed socks with all the elastic gone, I didn't feel I deserved any better. This month I have bought alot, but still (well) within reason. My most expensive purchase was probably a $30 pair of silver earrings.

I am giving myself an unintentional life makeover. I think that I know inside that I have changed for the better, and I am wanting to shed the depressed identity and replace it with a more current identity that reflects more accurately how I feel about myself.

Once again, I want all of you depressed people to hear me here I WAS AS DEPRESSED AS YOU ARE! I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. YOU CAN BE THIS CONTENT TOO! Stay in therapy, learn to think positively, be your own best friend, and find a way to help others. It will happen. I was suicidal in 2002, so it took a few years, but like it says on the bottom of my blog, every little thing you do to be healthier adds up. You don't see it at first, but it is there, and the tiny pebbles add up, and one day, if you don't give up, you can be on solid ground, like I am.

Okay, enough complaining about not getting enough sleep- howabout I go to bed now?

Back to my old "old self"

A few posts ago I wrote that I felt like my "old self." That was a fleeting moment and it was an incorrect statement really, because I was feeling like getting things done, but when I was healthier I didn't think about getting things done, I just got them done. I am probably back to my old "old self" the mildly depressed one before I met Charles.

Today I played hooky from training from work. My training lasted 2 days, day one was going over evacuation, medical, and fire procedures, today was to be an active security class and CRM, (no, you dont care enough for me to tell you what CRM is)

Yesterday I had indian food leave my body in the most unpleasant way. This unpleasant way of leaving my body lasted a good 20 minutes, burned, and was unpleasant to be in the same room as. Fortunately it happened at the end of the day, the rumbling started before the final test, and my 20 minute ordeal took place in a room designed for people in wheelchairs and parents who need to change babies, so no one else was aware of the noisy and malodorous exiting taking place. But even so, if this were to continue into today, including the fact that I am on my period, it would be terribly embarrassing. I called in this morning saying I had "digestive problems" that were okay during a sit down class, but not an active security class which was a half truth, but really I was more worried about cramps and getting up so early after the time change.

Fortunately there is another training in April. Maybe by then I will have adjusted to the time change and not be on my period or enjoying the lasting effects of indian food. Still, the post-meeting-Charles old me would have gone to the training. I would have taken a shower and doubled up on my soap usage to counteract the time of the month, and I would have taken an advil to deal with the cramps. I would have shown up, tired as fuck, but I would have drank a strong latte to keep myself alive.

The way I had been feeling about the time I was dating Alan was really great. I wouldn't think alot about getting things done, I would just do them. And dishes werent so bad, they were done in no time. And I loved how my room looked when it was clean.

I am going to do some dishes now and then return and tell you about my weekend with my Indian Paramour.

"When I think of all the people I've come upon in my travels, I have to think of the people who have come upon me"

I was at it again. I snooped around, googled his name, and found some new things. I failed to find that weblog post all about how wrong he was and how I am the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but what are you going to do?

So looking at wedding dresses today didn't just suck because I have no parents or money, but also because the wounds are still fresh from my whirlwind romance with Batman. No, that is not a psuedonym, his name is Batman.

I am going to write the WHOLE story, because I have to leave certian details about my actions out when telling this story to others. I have to force myself to look at ALL OF IT, so I can learn from it and move on. If you get past all the romantic blather there is nudity and mutual masturbation ahead. LOL

I met batman at my job. I guess he saw me from afar and was smitten. He told me he would not shut up about how cute I was, and he hoped I would be on his plane. Now girls, imagine a boy, any boy telling you this...AAAAAHHH!

He flirted with me on the plane. I don't remember what he said, something banal, but he had a cute smile, and I just felt drawn to him like I wanted to talk to him more. Another thing is, men flirt all the time, but it's no big deal to me, because I know they are just puffing out their chests. But there are some men I just melt over. Cute, intellectual seeming, sensitve boys just make me crazy. It makes me REALLY crazy that they are always married (of course, some smart girl in college snatched him up ASAP.) it also drives me crazy that those types of boys never seem to like me. My guess is it's because of my job. Maybe they think that if I were smart I would be working a "real" job. My job is for air-heads, bimbos and gold-diggers.

Well It took me a second, I flirted with him with that little sigh inside like "ahh, if only" when I realized, "WAIT! he is not just flirting, he is into me!" I found stupid excuses to chat with him. He nearly knocked me over he gave me his card so fast. His brother is moving to my city so of course I had to give him my e-mail address. I e-mailed him first, because I had recieved a mysterious spam e-mail from "batsman@jacc.something.net" which I was sure was him "bats" meaning baseball bats. It turned out not to be him but it was a nice ice-breaker and soon he called me.

It was too fast right away. He was already telling me the story of how he had noticed me, and he went on a little too long, with a little too much detail (you know, showing his hand) And early on I made my first fatal mistake. He made some insecure comment about his receding hairline. I consoled him, reminding him that it is a sign of too much testosterone, which equals a high sex drive. And yes, I said on the first phone call "a horny man is a good thing." I was already setting myself up to be a sex object, and these set ups are what I choose to omit when relaying the story to my friends.

Oh, the conversations were too dreamy. Everything he told me about himself (minus the comic book obsession, I could have done without that) made me say "you cant be real" I was like Carrie Bradshaw in the secret back room in Vogue: "it's TOO good!" He kept making "future together" type comments. Too fast, sure...but it was sweet. I was imaging it too, and it was nice to have a man I was excited about say them without prompting. The thing that turned me on the most...when I would ramble on about some sociological theory I had on this or that, HE LIKED IT! He even said it was a turn on that I was so opinionated AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

So next mistake, we talked about sex again and I expressed that in my opinion the first time we have sex we would probably "fuck all day." Again, I was just getting his wheels turning "sex object...sex object" Ahhh, it gets worse. I allowed (a little too willingly) to send the topic to sex. This is fine, but keep in mind this is like the 2nd time we have spoken on the phone. It is FAR too soon to be talking so openly. One thing he brought up, and was very focused on, was his massive penis. He told me that girls had told him it was really big. Well, I told him I think size is nice, but really isn't that big of a deal. (my best lover ever had the tiniest penis you could ever imagine) It's a good thing too have, but its no replacement for good technique. But he just went on and on about how big and wide his penis was. I basically just made fun of him. I told him he was obsessed with his penis and he needed to get over it.

Both of us are nearly exploding by the 3rd phone call. We make plans for him to visit me in one of my layover cities. But theres a problem. Its our first date, There is no way in hell I am going to let him stay in my hotel room. We went back and forth on this ALOT. I made my feelings very clear. I made a decision that I was willing to go in half on a room for him. When he pooh-poohed that idea I told him I would pay for the room myself. He still kept pushing it. At one point, I just gave in. Not because he wore me down, but because I really felt I could trust him. Oh, and because he wore me down (I mean come on- what do you see me as? the first night? sharing a hotel room? get real.) But I gave in.

To add to my setting myself up as a sex-object...we ended up having phone-sex the day before he was to visit me. At that point I was glad he was spending the night, he was obliged to cuddle with me now that we had "had sex." Also, during this "encounter" he was very interested in the dimensions of the toy I was using. "It's how big? I am much bigger than that!"

So we had our date. I was REALLY sure that I was not reedy to be sexual AT ALL yet. I was feeling a combination of strong positive emotions, like "I could fall in love with this man" as well as strong negative emotions like "could he please stop talking about comic books, he is acting like he has already got me" I told him that I really wanted to be clear that I don't want to go past "first base." I wanted to kiss and cuddle, but I wasn't ready to be sexual, I was terrified of the emotional consequenses. I see in hindsight that this went in one ear and out the other. At this point he was so hot and bothered that I ceased to be a sensitive girl who is afraid of love and became some porn archetype. The girl who wants to fuck all day and likes a horny man.

After a not unpleasant date (which by the way had the atmosphere of a couple who has been together for years--not an exciting and mysterious first date) we went to the hotel room. I had flirted and acted sexy with him, but after expressing to him REPEATEDLY that I didn't want to go past kissing, I felt safe that the evening would end sweetly. Some romantic kissing and then fall asleep in each-others arms.

No. When we started kissing it wasnt romantic. He was on top of me and he immediately started humping my leg! I was pissed off and sort of amused, but still smitten so I didn't want to hurt his ego. So I did what I always have, but have told myself I don't want to do any more. I detached my emotions and changed it in my mind from "me and the man I care about" to "meat and meat." The problem is, when you look at a human as meat, they become only the sum of their parts. So instead of being an imperfect guy who I am fond of, he became "balding head, hairy back, bad kisser, leg humper" oh...and here is the best part...AVERAGE PENIS SIZE! Oh my god, his penis was so average. Average length, average girth, maybe smaller than my 6 inch toy! And he just HAD to continue on with his "its really big" talk. I couldn't go that far, I just couldn't...He said "hows it's size in comparison to your toy?" I said "eh, about the same" he refused to believe it!

At one point I wanted to have sex. I would feel good while I was doing it, and it would be over with sooner, with less work to do. Usually its not "work," but it felt awful to be back in that place, meat on meat. I didnt want that anymore, and if I was going to do that, not with him, the boy I actually had let myself like. He didnt have a condom so I slowed down the kissing and told him politely that I had reached "resolution" and would like for him to finish.

I was happy to, no scratch that, I felt obliged to do sexy things to turn him on so he could hurry it up, but he wanted me to participate. It was just a nightmare. He kept saying "does this turn you on?" It was all I could do to keep from saying "NO YOU STUPID ASS, I TOLD YOU 20 MINUTES AGO I AM DONE!" The worst part of it all is he either didn't notice my absolute disintrest for the last half hour or he just didn't care.

I went through the motions the rest of the night and the next morning (although I have never before put my pyjamas BACK ON before going to sleep) The next day I felt like shit. I have been down in the dumps before, but this was a new kind of hurt. I cant even put into words that awful combination of feelings, I think it still hurts too much. I had a passenger say it seemed like I dont like my job (no one has EVER said that!) I snapped on my pilots even.

2 nights later I dumped him via e-mail. No guilt here for the impersonal means of doing it. If the words that come out my mouth meant anything to him I wouldn't be dumping him in the first place! He wrote an e-mail in protest and called once (without leaving a message) but nothing more. I imagine there is no reason to. He had his fantasy, so whats the point I guess.

It makes more sense to me now why I was such a wreck today (this ended less than 2 weeks ago.) It's one thing to be single looking at wedding dresses, quite another to feel like you will never trust someone enough to fall in love. I can see it will be a long time 'till I am interested in boys again at all. Truthfully, I havent even been interested in my toy! It's good for me to be able to look over the dynamics we had and see my mistakes. Problem is, I know what I did wrong, but I don't know how to do it right.

mood: broken-hearted

Only a virus

I went to the doctor- get this it's only a freaking cold! Well yesterday I had a fever so cold THIS! I think I am the only person in the world who wishes that they could be sicker, but when I am knocked on my ass, I at least want to hear I have Tuberculosis or something so I am not some fucking woos! Poor baby, she has a cold.

In all honesty, times like these are when having a mental illness really affect my life. If someone were to say "poor baby, you have a cold" they would be under the assumption that without a cold I am well. The truth is, my life has a constant baseline of not feeling well, its like having a cold ALL THE TIME. I have good days, but most days I have to lift myself out of bed and propell myself forward, thinking the whole time "just keep going, keep going" Adding a cold to this is just too much. Actually I think I am being dramatic. I wasn't able to get going thursday so I checked my temperature and saw that indeed I am sick, otherwise I would have gone to work, I may have returned home, but I would have still gone. I am going back sunday, crappy-feeling or not.

I am realizing something. As much as I wish to will myself out of these health issues my damn body isnt allowing it. I pushed myself too far this month, I was too social and I didn't allow myself enough days off. What frustrates me is I had such a wonderful day the other day. I felt so average. And when I am average, it makes me above average, because I have all of the wisdom and gratitude that I have earned from my years of pain. It was such a good day (couple of days) I saw my family, went shopping, dyed my hair, the day after I got back I went to work, had breakfast with an awesome F/A, went to lunch with my mentor and her fabulous friends, went to class and went to work at the end of the day. It was an awesome day, problem is, when I fill my days so full like this I feel pressure to maintain momentum, and I shut down. It is such a fantasy to me to be that energetic all the time (or howabout 1/4th of the time!) I could get so much done! AHHHHH I cant wait to start therapy!

Heres a great thing. I used to be so ambitious. I know its in me. I have a drive that I can get/do whtever I want (well, within my body's permission!) When I remember that drive, I am excited, because I feel that drive in context of my health, and I think I am going to get alot accomplished. My dream used to be to be a campaign manager, or a published physical therapist....now its to be healthy! My life is already so fucking awesome, if I was healthy I could enjoy it, that would be so great, its really something to look forward to.

The fact that I am able to sit upright and type is a good sign. It just goes to show the power of the placebo. I saw that I had a fever, and I couldn't move. I will say one thing to prove I am DEFINATELY SICK! (in the body or head...that is the question!) This morning the nurse told me that she had a 10:00 appointment available AWESOME! I said to myself "I am going to be extra early, I am going to show up at 10:30" I looked at the bus schedule and everything. I didnt realize this faux-pas until I was walking to the bus stop! Now I am an air-head, but not that bad! So good thing I was not on a plane right now. A terrorist could come up to me and say "Let me in the flight deck door" and I would have called the captian and been like "A terrorist wants to get into the flight deck, thats not allowed, right?" I am kidding OF COURSE! But I can see myself making a stupid mistake and causing a delay, or making the company look bad (look worse.) If I am in a state like that, I am not going to be on top of things enough in an emergency. Besides, people just hate it when you sneeze in their diet sierra mist.

Come to think of it...having a cold is going to serve me pretty fucking well! I can get things done, but have an excuse to rest. I can see my girlfriends (& go shopping for a wedding dress YAY) but still go back to work, and I have a cute little doctors note to show that I am sick, but I came back anyway... what a MODEL employee!