Sunday, January 29, 2006

Not a good blog post- doesnt bother me

When is the last time I wrote a post I was proud of?...awhile. Since my anti-depressant was increased I haven't felt the necessity to empty out my brain onto the page, life has felt pretty good. It isn't a struggle to get through the day anymore, in fact, I am able to coast through days that a year ago would feel like a ton of work.

I suppose I can count my blessings. So I am not quite as deep as I am when I am depressed, who cares? When I am depressed I can't accomplish anything so what good is the most creative mind if nothing comes from the ideas.

I am also not quite as driven, that is a shame. I finally have the energy to put my ambitions to work but now the push to accomplish them is less. Then again, my biggest ambition right now is to buy a condo, and I have the confidence to do it now, when before it felt like a far-off fantasy, so maybe it just seems like I am less driven because my goals seem much less lofty.

One big downside of the medication increase is I am much more forgetful. I think things must be moving faster in my brain so they are quicker to slip away if not committed to memory. It could be that my anxiety is increased with my brain activity, it is just in the form of being hyper, instead of extremely worried. It's a small price to pay I imagine, especially since I will have to learn post-it note skills for old age anyway.

This, and many of my current posts, lack the structure that comes naturally to me in many of my posts. Partially because I don't have a specific idea of what I am going to write. It's my journal so I am not beating myself up for it, especially since I know that I will have something to be happy about during my depressions. They make me deep. There is a lot of growth that can take place during the depressions, and then during the not-depressions I can relax and enjoy the growth and rest period. It would be great if I could one day see the depressions as "just a phase" and blow off the feelings of low self-worth and extreme worry. I will have to learn some way to cope when they happen, it doesn't do me any good just hoping really hard that they wont.

mood: fine

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Kenyan Prince

It has been one week and one day since I met him. I was dancing on the dance floor at a reggae concert when a man stood in front of me and started dancing with me. He was 5'11' solidly built, with glasses and a chin that jutted out slightly.

I smiled and politely danced with him, he was far from ugly, but he didn't look like a model like the man in the corner with the tight grey shirt and short dreadlocks, what did I care anyway? Rafael might show up tonight. He was wearing a beautiful decorative tunic, I asked him where he got it, he said Kenya.

He had a very warm, gentle smile, with a dimple on his left cheek. We started synchronising our dance moves, and we would look at each other and laugh when one of us or the other wasn't able to match up. I enjoyed being around him, and thought he would be a good person to stay close to, so I could avoid the pushy people I often run into at this club. We chatted and I gave him my number without the tinyest bit of worry that I might be making a mistake.

I wanted to go downstairs, where they play more upbeat, dancehall style music. It was so dark down there that all you could see was flashes of gyrating bodies, moving to the music that you could feel vibrating through your feet as clearly as you can hear. The sexy atmosphere and music, mixed with my enjoyment of this pleasant man allowed me to let out the sexy moves I rock in my living room. He of course began the "penis-on-butt" move, annoying me as much because it interfered with my moves as because it was so ungraceful. I kept enough distance to keep me comfortable, and backed away when he tried to kiss me. I felt nothing, in a sexy den of iniquity while dancing suggestively. I knew I just wasn't attracted to him. He tried to kiss me on the stairs on the way up, I said "I am really sorry, I just don't feel attracted to you. It's not like something is wrong with you, you are GREAT, I just don't feel it." He was unbelievably nice about it. I asked if he preferred I dance differently, he said he understood it was dancing.

He called me the next day, I rolled my eyes, but when I heard him speak on the message I smiled. I decided, just to be polite, to call him back, and I chatted with him a bit, a huge smile on my face the whole time. I knew right there that I was more attracted to Rafael, and that I would have to be very careful not to tease or lead on the prince, because he was such a terrific person. On the phone I promised (why?!) that I would call him when I got to El Paso.

The next day I stretched out in the hot tub outdoors at the hotel. First thing I called Rafael, left a nervous bubbly message, and waited for him to call back. I started to call the prince but hung up, I was feeling disappointed to not hear from Rafael. The prince called "did you just call me?" I stumbled over my words, not having an explaination, I just admitted I suddenly didn't feel like talking and then got on with the conversation.

I told him I was in the hot tub and he said he wanted us to make plans to go in a hot tub. I said "absolutely not, I really don't want to lead you on" He said to stop worrying about that, he thinks I am fun and it's okay if we are friends. We chatted and I said I would see him on thursday (we had plans to meet at the same club) I spent the rest of the trip in agony waiting for Rafeal to call, then in fumes when he did- at 11PM.

I called the prince on the way home, to be polite of course. And somehow I ended up making plans to go to the gym with him on Wed (since he was so excited about the hot tub) even though I was going to see him on thursday (my idea BTW.)

My ethnocentric and sexist mind kept wanting to underestimate him, and he continually proved me rediculous for it. He even had the ability to point out some peculiar or ignorant "American" thinking of mine, with humor, not at all shaming me. He is smart as can be, very good natured, just a prince. After he dropped me off I gave him a peck on the lips. He thanked me, tee hee, and didn't push it any farther.

I am afraid I can't write all of the considerate, thoughtful, bright, wonderful things he has said and done this last week. I don't have time. Last week I had decided I could "put up with" dancing with him, while waiting for Rafael to show up to the club. I am so glad I have developed into such a polite person!

Oh, and my uncooperative vagina. I think it might be on board. We re-lived the scene in the club basement yesterday and I realized he is not a the best kisser, and his "penis-on-butt" dance was just annoying, thats why I felt nothing the night before. I think I feel something, because I am very eager to get the 3 dates out of the way so we can get in bed. I also had a sexual fantasy about him that warmed me more than I can remember feeling for years. I can imagine making love with this man, the only thing I have experience with is fucking.

Oh, and unlike Rafeal, the one who used a double negative...The prince is working on a PhD in english. HOT. And he says in my ear "you are so smart."

mood: warmed

OH OH! And...He danced sexy with me and OBVIOUSLY lusts after me, yet still treated me like a complete lady...I am yet to get that from a "Modern" American man.

OH! OH! I told him that tonight I wanted to get laundry done when he asked what I was doing, obviously interested in getting together. Instead of mocking me or guilt tripping me for it, he said "okay."

OH! OH! P.S. I think I have a crush on him

OH! OH! And he was raised in a mud hut as one of 9 children in a village in Kenya in a cattle farming family, yet he is open minded about the morality of homosexuality! (I was not expecting that!)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Cooperate with me Vagina!

I am begging of you vagina, like this man! He is soon to be a PhD, I smile instantly when I speak to him, and he is very kind and respectful.

He kissed me when we were dancing in the dancehall room. The room was so dark and sexy, so primal, the music so sensuasly rhythmic, but the vagina...not cooperative.

A big part of this could be, I am just sick of being the sex object! Its fun to kiss random strangers in a bar, but it's not fun to realize that even if you have dozens of men, you still have no-one who cares about your mind. Maybe in that context, I felt like an object again, and my body shut down saying "nope- not going to be involved in hurting your feelings more Diana."

Maybe it could be fear after my relationship with Hasseem. For about 8 months I was involved with a Pakistani M.D. doing post graduate work at my school. The way we met was unfortunate, he was my roommate, and our relationship ended up as me being a temporary wife of sorts, doing all of my wifely duties, including showering him with the deepest of admiration, but receiving none of the wifely benefits of additional economic security or household decision making power.

***********************************************As I was writing this my phone rang, it was the Kenyan prince saying he is close by. I said "I will wait for you outside" and he said "no, if you wait outside you might get chilly, I prefer you wait to come out until I get there" -woah!

He Called

Oh how I waited for that call. Oh the agony. I even started writing a song. I got the call, in fact I got two calls. Then the REAL agony begun.

The first one showed up on my phone during a flight, so I got it afterward, and I was on top of the moon. He said he has been having problems with Nextel getting his messages late, I believe him.

And then, I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed a voicemail on my phone...from him! Oh why oh why did I have my ringer off, I was DYING to talk to him that night, and he actually called. In the morning I checked the message...He had called at 11 PM. Maybe that could be considered a first offense to many people, but with him, it was a second offense. The first time he called me was at 1 AM. It gets worse. My phone hadn't been charged yet so I gave him roomie Tera's number to call, and told him it was hers. He called a woman's roommate that he is supposed to be tryint to impress, at 1 AM.

When I found out he called at that time I didn't even want to call him at all. That is rude beyond rude. But I did, and first thing said "Why on earth did you call at 1 AM?- thats booty call time for the love of god!" he apologized and we went on with our conversation. But then he did it again...not only did he do it again, here's what he said in the message..."Sorry I called at booty call time, this is just the time that I'm up" this is the time that I'm up, forget the time that I am up! I let this stew in me for half the day, called all of my girlfriends, (none who got back to me on time- oh well) and by the middle of the day I was STEAMED!

I thought about it, and decided to be as sober and sophisticated about it as possible. After saying hi I said "Look, it's very important that the people I allow in my life treat me with respect, so stop calling me late at night!" He said "did you need to get up early this morning?" I said yes, but thats exactly the point, people may have to get up early, so you dont call them after 10 (or even 9.) He said "Sorry, I didn't know" Huh. Heres the funny part, I said "so what are you doing?" he said "well I am getting ready for work, so" I said "do you want me to let you go?" he said, without skipping a beat "yes."

I don't know if I will be hearing from him again, and frankly I don't know if I want to. To much negativity right at the beginning, when you are supposed to be all swoony. An there is another reason, in one of our conversations he used a double negative. It doesn't seem so bad when you REALLY want to sleep with someone, but come on, a double negative?

I am pretty lucky, but it feels unlucky to me, to have a good platonic friend, who I want a relationship similar to, and the Kenyan prince, who I guess is platonic, but who I have such a crush on, so I wish my damn vagina would have a crush on him too. Having those two in my life make Rafael seem not so great, even though I REALLY want to sleep with him. It's just another month of not having sex...UH!

mood: ok. STILL have a cold- I am sick and tired of it!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Went to Juarez

No I didn't. I just had a drink with my drunk crew (we are allowed to drink if it is within 12 hours of our next flight.) The captain kept saying he wanted to go to Juarez. I said no, but still am not sure if he was joking. I think he was.

mood: better than before. still feel worried that I have scared him off. If I did I will be writing about it non-stop for ages


I have just finished watching a TV program about runaways in Portland, OR, many of whom are Heroin addicts. Whenever I watch a program about kids from messed up childhoods or in trouble with drugs I get into an unpleasant headspace. I empathise SO MUCH. I knew people like this when I was young. I remember thinking some people I had come aquainted with were cool, unaware that a big part of their "originality" was actually a result of altered brain chemistry from the drugs. I am glad to recognize that TV programs like this trigger depressed and anxious feelings in me, having this knowledge I can know to avoid them, or be prepared for the after affects.

I have recognized another trigger today...the potential for a real relationship. Rafael, the half Italian half Puerto Rican gate agent is revealing himself to be rather appealing. I can see myself becoming less and less composed, this nervousness I am certian is a turn off, he even mentioned noticing it. He said I sound "different on the phone, more mellow."

I am on my period, which I am sure is keeping me from feeling my sexiest and my best, but a big part of it is when I really like someone I feel nervous. I HAVE unconciously sabotaged things in the past, by being bitchy or over the top, and I am REALLY HOPEFUL I haven't done that already. I called him today at 3, and it's 6 now and no call back. Get over it Diana? Maybe. I am still afraid I was too bubbly on the phone message, and a combination of that and yesterday will turn him off. But if he is turned off because I am a little dorky he doesn't like me that much anyway so it's all good...right? Damn it. If he is still interested, which I think he could be, I HAVE to calm myself down or he WILL lose interest. That mellow me is the real me, this anxious me is the bane of my existance.

And lets just say he does still like me, and maybe continues to, I would have to tell him one day about the fact that I take medication and go to therapy. Shouldn't I tell him that before we have sex? But I dont want to wait TOO long for sex, but I want to wait awhile before telling him about the depression and anxiety. You do realize we haven't even been on a date yet.

I wish I was attracted to Daniel, the man I will dub the Kenyan Prince. I feel very comfortable talking him. Maybe I am not attracted to him because I feel comfortable with him. Probably I am comfortable with him because I am not attracted to him.

Whatever the reason, I feel awful right now. I don't feel like the sexy, confident woman I felt like a week ago. I AM on my period, who feels great on their period? I wish SO MUCH that I didn't call him during the first impression stage while I am on my period! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

mood: kind of "psycho", LOL

Friday, January 20, 2006


Our cat is in the refridgerator.

We are missing a drawer on the bottom, and now and then she likes to sneak in the way many cats like to sneak out the front door when you open it.

She should have some oxygen in there for awhile. Twice we opened it and expected she would run out in fear, instead she sits contentedly. My roommate even tried nudging her out with her foot.

I really hope she doesn't die in there. How would we explain it? "Oh, she was in the refridgerator too long"

mood: um, perplexed

The man of my dreams...I feel nothing

I don't want to be attractive! I don't want to go out in public! I don't want to I don't want to, I don't want to!

I went to a reggae/dancehall club tonight. I met THE sweetest, lovelyest, shinyest guy, a Kenyan PhD student, A DEAR named Daniel. He was SO SWEET AND SHINY! So why exactly wasnt I attracted to him? I found him VERY APPEALING, but not "into him." Could it be that he would treat me kindly? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

The truth is, I am not sexually attracted to him, I can just deal with that, and it's good for me to admit it, because he is WONDERFUL enough to make a girl VERY HAPPY, and I would hate to waste his time. I sure wish I was attracted to him!

Jesus Christ! I am feeling REALLY upset for some reason right now! Why? Why? I'm so confused! What if I am REALLY attracted to him and that freaks me out and THAT is why I wasn't feeling strong sexual chemistry!

I am seriously feeling panicky right now! What is going on?

I am proud to say I DID tell him that I wasn't feeling that attraction to him, but then I mentioned all of the wonderful things about him, which there seemed to be many. I am proud I let him know, so I wasn't leading him on too much. I danced sexy with him but when I asked if he wished I hadn't he said no. He was SO sweet and respectful of my feelings! Oh my god he seems just so wonderful!

Oh, and to make every thing just feel like meant to be magic...he gave us a ride home, and in his car stereo...Milli Vanilli. I LOVE Milli Vanilli.

I am going to go to bed now. I can't breathe. I wish I was sexually attracted to him! I REALLY REALLY DO!

mood: anxiety attack

PS I know where the anxiety may be coming from. I DONT WANT more friends! I don't want a full social calendar! I don't want to be the life of the party. I can't manage all of that. I need a quiet, managable life, with a little flavor mixed in now and then. OH MY GOD I am so upset.

A great thing for sure, he breaks the stereotype I have of African men. I see them as pushy and seeing themselves as superior to women. Judge me, I don't care, those are the things I feel, I can admit that they arent fair. He breaks that stereotype. he is a jewel.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Obsessive Crush

There is nothing like the prospect of someone you want to have sex with visiting your house. Your living conditions are a major reflection of you. A messy chaotic bedroom? A messy chaotic mind. Or at least a girl or guy you would not want to become serious with. Seeing and smelling Marshmallow Cock's bedroom and awful bathroom sink dried my vagina to desert aridness. I have decided to use the fantasy of first officer Ron in my bed to motivate me to clean my house.

When I was in high school and college I used to get obsessive crushes on boys. I would see someone accessable but still appealing, they would give me a small cue of interest, and I would fall into long, multiple month fixation on them. I would fantasize in my mind what it would be like to date the characters I attached to their faces, and I would act like an idiot around them, guarunteeing that my idealized vision of them would not be tarnished.

I have decided to cultivate my attraction with first officer Ron into one of these crushes, though more even headed than the ones from high school and college. Imagining leading him into my bedroom is the biggest motivation, having to step over crumpled papers and sprawled dirty socks has a tendency to break up the mystery.

If he asks me out naturally I won't say no, I just cant help it, the chemistry was too good, but he is probably not a good match for me, he was in the military and I would probably feel subconcious pressure tugging me into the corprate mainstream to appeal to him. If he is not a good person to persue seriously, but with strong enough chemistry to propell me into improving myself, hes the perfect victim, er I mean candidate.

mood: ready to be productive :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Productive Day

I woke up today at 10:30, got up and checked my e-mail...the boy from the personals site had e-mailed me! I wrote him back saying politely that I didn't want to be friends because my feelings were so hurt from having my body type excluded. He wrote back apologizing. I went back to bed then, and slept until 5PM. Laugh at me if you want, my nose is plugged up and I breathed through my mouth all night. I suspect today will be the same.

Then I got up, played computer a bit, ate, and well...thats about it!

I did do one thing...I helped my roommate set up a blog. THe URL is It's not a pornographic site. It is about female sexuality, for women and for men who want to learn about women's sexuality (surprise! it's different then men) Her and I have agreed not to read eachother's sites, but there is no reason that people who read mine cant read hers too. I hope she enjoys it!

Now I am going to go back to bed. Not very productive. I had big plans on what I would do today, but oh well. i enjoy a good rest.

mood: not unhappy, but STILL sick (it's been more than a month...come on!)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

It was the best of trips, it was the worst of trips

I can't begin to write a post that would adequately describe the week I had. I am going to skim over the details, because I just want to record was quite the week.

First, I went to visit my family in the North of my state.

My sweet 14 year old cousin just had her heart broken by a boy who "didn't like her that way" something easy for me to empathize with since I am fresh from a similar adolecent experience.

She, maybe for the first time in my life, got on my nerves. I made her a copy of the original cast recording of "Rent" she got a copy of the movie soundtrack and not only prefered it, but kept telling people, in front of me "Guess what! Susie made me a copy of the Soundtrack of Rent!" She's 14 Diana, get over it.

I gave her and her family, a surragate nuclear family of sorts, a massage cushion you put on a chair. Not the vibrating kind, either, the shiatsu kind, that rolls up and down your back. I think it went over well. They never embarrassed me by saying it cost too much, that made me feel really good.

My aunt Annie (Surragate mom) gave me a Zen calendar (a statement of acceptance from my very christian aunt) and a contraption similar to a george foreman grill. She said that there are grocery stores in airports that I can get food at. I am yet to see one. I carried it around with me anyway, because I just love her so much.

I saw my aunt Elizabeth, a woman who has been a bit cold and snarky in the past (she doesn't say "I love you" OUCH!) She retired from teaching and she smiles a lot now, and she even smiled lovingly at me a few times.

I saw my aunt Ester, and I swear I am a clone of her. She is SO imperfect, but somehow her imperfections make you love her more. When you are around her you feel OK, just as you are, and that is a compliment people pay me regularly.

On day one of my trip, I got some digits. A gate agent I have had the hots for for awhile was talking to me before a flight, and right before he pulled the jetbridge he handed me a piece of paper that said "coffee?" and his number. He is half Puerto Rican and half Italian, and he has a birthmark under his eye. He is the only guy I can think of that is hot enough to pull off a birthmark under his eye.

And I flew with what was a crush, and is now a burning LOVE. His name is Ron Woogleherf (or something like that) I flew with him before, and we even had lunch together. He was bullying me like a lovesick 11 year old. I felt like I was in Jr. High again. Today he tugged on my pony tail, I turned to him and said "You DO know what it means when you pull on a girl's ponytail" he said "It means you like her" I nodded yes, and he tugged on my ponytail again!!! God he was hot. He had hairy arms, dark hair, and he had a REALLY developed body with a little bit of pudge over it...if he was a little taller he would have my FAVORITE physique! Oh, did I mention he has 2 degrees? One of which is an electrical engineering degree? I love him. I TOTALLY expected he would ask me out at the end of the trip, did I mention that the "slim/petite" loving personals ad PUNK said "Call me okay?" at the FRONT of the airplane? I was REALLY sad he didn't ask me out. I get hit on 3 times in 2 weeks and I have the audacity to be dissapointed when I don't get the 4th!

On the first day I put a maxi pad in Ron's bag. On the second day I put pictures of body builders in his bag. On the third day he told the cute 10 year old unaccompanied minor on the plane to tell him if I put anything in his bag. I went to her and asked what he said. I asked her if she wanted to help me. I told her not to lie if he asks, because lying is wrong (proud of me?) so we went through a magazine and I told her to pick what pictures were funny. She would say "that one", "none on that page." My favorite thing she said was when we found a characature of Bill Gates. She said "That kind of looks like him" It doesn't look remotely like him, which made it even more adorable.

I could lose my job! There was this bitchy old lady who asked me if there were any open seats. She was SO EVIL! Her energy was so draining, I wanted to be as far from her as possible. I said there is one seat open, why? She said she wasn't feeling good, and wanted to lay down. I said if she is sick I dont want her in the exit row, becuase she would have to help passengers in an emergency. She said "I didn't mean sick, I'm meant tired" I said "You have to be able to lift 40 pounds, can you do that?" She said yes. I just wanted her to go away, she was SO REPULSIVE. I was like "fine, go ask if the person will switch" I was surprised they said yes (probably for the same reason I did) so the nasty bitch went back there. I went to the captian about it. I didn't like her there, I didn't believe she could help in an emergency, but what was I supposed to do? test her? He agreed. 3 passengers were upset about it. I was thankful that they were, they gave me the energy to make her move out of the exit row. She was nearly as nasty about it as I expected. I have never seen a look so evily haughty. Guess what? That bitch ordered a wheelchair! If I knew that I could have refused easily. That bitch who ordered a wheelchair had the audacity to say she could help in an emergency! I could get fired for that I think. I am hoping it is not reported by any of the passengers.

On day 3 I was charging my phone, I kept it in the top drawer, plugged in, with the cord pinched becuase the drawer was closed. When I opened the drawer there was a flash of light and a BANG! Smoke even! I jumped back and screamed. I quickly unplugged it. Everything was ok. The crew had been talking some smack about the old testament the first 3 days, after that I asked that we don't do that anymore, ;).

Today (s)crew scheduling switched our trip. They sent the entire crew to Detroit, to drop off the plane, and then sent us back on a Mainline plane. There was ABSOLUTELY no reason for me to be there! Too funny, hilarious in fact.

But the best just HAD to be getting to meet the boy who hurt my feelings so badly by excluding my body type from his personal ad profile, while we were in the middle of corresponding, and having him drool all over me! What a prick.

The worst part of the trip was not being asked out by Ron. Okay, really the worst part was possibly losing my job, or maybe my life, but second to those is not being asked out by Ron. We work together, so maybe it could happen in the future, even if it shouldn't. I enjoyed him so much.

It has not just been a great trip...It has been a great year so far! I have not lost a pound, but my energy level is different since increasing my antidepressants, it's PROOF that personality and confidence has as much to do with attractiveness as physical features. I have gotten 3 numbers in only 2 weeks! I probably only got 3 numbers last year total! I am going to keep up my mood and my attitude, but am not going to hope for my winning streak in the man department to continue. It's a good way to start out the year!

mood: ready for bed...havent been home for a week!

You CANT make this shit up!

This is the story of the first man I encountered on an online personals site. My experience with him shot down my confidence, and pretty much threw me into the arms of Marshmallow Cock.

After I sent (we will call him "Mike") the message saying "I guess we arent compatible in our preferences" he responded with an e-mail saying "It's good to match in as many ways as possible." Jerk off.

Well guess who was on my airplane! Hell yeah! I recognized his face, but there was no name on my manifest for his seat. I was taking a Buddhist book out of my bag and a passenger asked what book I was reading. I told him and he said "My colleague back there lives in a Buddhist house, you should ask him about it." I asked what his name was, he said "Mike" and I thought "Hell yeah! It is him, I am going to have a reason to talk to him, and he is going to learn he shouldn't have been so shallow."

I went to his seat, held out my hand and said (In a sexy confident low voice) "Hi. I'm Diana, we met on the personals site" Boy did he LOVE me! Right away, maybe 1 minute into us talking he invited me to a concert with him and his friends. 1 minute and thirty seconds into us talking he gave me his number and suggested we have coffee. All of a sudden my "ample" body was deemed acceptable to his lofty standards.
As he left the plane he said "Call me ok?" DICK!

The worst part of it is, I would have liked him too. Had he not excluded me by the name of my body type, and gotten to know me, we could have had a match. DICK!

For awhile, I decided that the best thing for me to do would be to e-mail him, explaining that I do not want to persue a friendship because my feelings were hurt from his snub. I thought this would be a kind thing to do because if I simply didn't call his feelings might be hurt, and I would prefer to take the high road and not do to him what he did to me. But then I went to the personals site to show my roommate a picture of him. He changed the paramaters of his profile to ONLY SAY slim/petite! He EXCLUDED "Average" and "Athletic"!!! Folks, this guy is NOT the one to exclude "Average" body types! He aint that great looking! I would say he is attractive, but to an average level at most! My roommate wouldn't even give him that much credit!

So I have decided just to blow him off. I certainly hope he figures out why, if he doesn't, oh well! Maybe the "right" thing to do would be to explain, but to not call is the socially sanctioned way to say you aren't interested, so I will just stick with that and hope he is "enlightened" enough to figure it out.

But you got to admit...that is a PRETTY CRAZY coincidence. Not just that he was on the plane, but that I recognized him, and that his colleague told me to go talk to him! CRAZY!

mood: not bad! SO HAPPY about the poetic justice!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Size 12

I just bought 2 pairs of size 12 corduroy pants. You heard me...size 12! Yes, they are stretch, and yes they are Old Navy, the most vanity sized store next to the Gap...but my ass fits in a pant with a 12 on it. And what an ass it is!

mood: I have size 12 pants, what do you think???

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I have a bad attitude right now

My cousin is in the north of my state from Richmond, VA. This cousin, who I haven't seen for ages, said she would like me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. And I am crabby that I have to go back to the airport to fly to visit her.

I am also crabby at my roommate, I am a person who was not babied in my adolecence, so when something needs to be done I figure out how to do it. She has to change her lightbulb, and doesn't know how to get up there. Why ask me? What is it about my brain that will be able to figure it out that her brain cant. She expected me to figure out the stuff involving parking her car too. If one of us has to be creative, why not have it be the one who needs the problem solved? Just a thought.

I took 2/3 of my anti-depressant last night, because I ran out. Basically I took the dosage that I was taking before it was raised. I have taken the remaining 1/3 now, but I am sure I won't notice the difference until at least a few hours from now.

I just hate being leaned on. If it's for something reasonable, you need a friend to talk you through a break-up or problems with your family, fine. But you need a lightbulb changed? It's your problem. I notice that people who come from healthy families are the ones who bug me this way the most. The seem really helpless to me, but in reality they are just used to having people to depend on, which is really good.

And I am feeling some guilt for being mad that I have to visit my cousin. I do have a point, I am going to have to spend an hour on a bus, with luggage, and then an hour at the airport, then an hour on the plane. And I am not going to have any "me time" between the last trip and the next one. Nows a time I wish I had a family that figured things out for me, a mommy who drives me to the airport when I am going to visit my cousin, but come on, I am 28 now, it's time to move on past the desire to be taken care of, everyone has to have adult responsibilities, not just the ones who had bad childhoods.

It's time for me to pack. I am grumpy that I have to figure out how to pack all of these Christmas presents. It's really not a big deal, but I am making it into one because I am crabby. It is the least I can do to visit my cousin who said she wanted me as her maid of honor- when I totally don't deserve it. It is the right thing for me to do to use my flight benefits, this job wont last forever.

MY ATTITUDE IS SO BAD RIGHT NOW! I have taken my medication, I just need to get done what needs to get done and get on with it. I am a big girl, whining won't fix anything (but why do I have to listen to my roommate whine? Grrr.

mood: no need to ask, crabby, crabby, crabby

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Sex Starved Parade

I sat down and thought about it, I have resisted 6 opportunities for guarunteed sex. I know that having opportunites for sex is not that big of a deal for a girl, but for me to not do it, especially considering how hot 2 of these men were...a BIG deal. I think I deserve a parade.

Saturday was amazing. I met a man on the last flight in. He is an advisor for his state's Governor (a Democrat, OF COURSE) I chit chatted with him on the plane, and shared a few little smiles with him, he had a great body, was handsome, sorry to admit this but I figured out of my league, but he asked me for a drink! I told him that I know about the flight attendant stereotype, and nothing was going to happen, but if he still wanted to hang out I would be in the lobby.

He showed up! It was a weird experience. He obviously wanted to sleep with me, he said I looked nice in red, out of the blue said "you're pretty," and even said I had a good figure (WTF?) I wouldn't think his intentions were anything but sexual, but he dropped things in the conversation like "now I have a reason to go there" (my city) and "I have someone to come visit me in [his city]" He was way too informal though, not a good candidate.

Here's where you lose the iota of respect you had for me...I still liked being around him. I was REALLY attracted to him, his behavior said "not a good candidate" but my body said "GOOD ENOUGH!!!!" I didn't sleep with him, I ended the date and everything, but he was on my mind all night and the first half of the next day.

Here's where you lose even more respect for me...if he calls me, I will see him again. I will be in town next saturday too, he knows I will be there, so I will agree to see him if he initiates it, but of course I am not going to call him.

Please send me e-mails and comments saying "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SLEEP WITH THAT MAN!" I really don't think I will, I can't drink because I am within the FAA 12 hours that you can't drink, which will help, but people, this ain't easy for me. I have twice considered doing it, and then starting my sex-with-love-only plan after "this one last time." Right now I am telling myself that he will be more interesting the next time around, and we can start dating (and then I get to have sex with him) but of course that's not how things will work out. I have good intuition, I am just choosing to ignore it right now.

Anti-depressants are supposed to lower your sex drive, not for me. And it isn't helping that I am getting male attention for the first time in years, I am drunk on the attention. There is something else I noticed. I have gotten attention from two men that in my opinion are WAY out of my league. I am convinced that I have a fat grape-shaped face. It never occured to me that other people might not see a big concord grape when they look at me. I am further excited by that possibility.

I know that I am on a good path. I know that casual sex is not healthy, and it's not what I really want, it's just really hard to convince myself that when I am faced with opportunities...good opportunities! If this is how I am now, imagaine how hard it would be for me if I lost weight, and the opportunities got better!

I got a good dose of reality last night to remind me that I am on the right path. Gina Gershon played Finch's over-sexed girlfriend on "Just Shoot Me." Not classy, not classy, not classy. The sex-drenched life feels really sexy from the inside, but when you look at it from the outside, it looks quite sad. to bed, where I will fantasize about my cute redhead first officer.

mood: very good :)
(you would PEE if you saw how outgoing I have been since Florida!)

Friday, January 06, 2006

Swapping Spouses

Have you ever seen the TV show "Wife Swap" or "Trading Spouses?" The mothers of two families live with the family of the other one, and make decisions of how they should live their life differently. Like all reality shows, they set scenerios up to incite conflict and drama, but I still watch them when I run across them.

Since my anti-depressants were increased and returning from Florida, I feel like a mother on one of these shows. I am in this house observing the lifestyle the prior tenant lead. I look at her life with a mix of distain and compassion. "She spends HOW MUCH time on the computer?"; "THIS is how she keeps her bedroom?"; "She could be so pretty if she just dolled herself up a bit"; "Doesn't she ever go out?" It's my assignment to tell this poor girl how to live her life differently, and it's a big job.

For a moment or two I find myself thinking "I feel blah" but the second after I think it I say "then stop surfing blog explosion and finish the things that make your life better." I look at the philosophies of the prior tenant and think "That poor thing, she is rationalizing her unhealthy lifestyle"; "She wants a boyfriend, but anyone who would fit into her lifestyle would hold her back."

Like the neat freak who ends up in the slob's house on the TV programs, I find myself with a big cleaning job to tackle. There is so much to do, and I will need to work on it for quite awhile to get it to a cheery envioronment. I will do all the work needed, but unlike the prior tenant I won't let the mess get in the way of me going out and living my life.

My instinct is to look down on the prior tenant, they do that quite a bit on these shows. Instead of judging her I will feel compassion for her, and see the choices she makes that I disagree with as being things that harm her, and instead feel grateful that I am not in the cycle that she was, that no matter how she tried she couldn't do better for herself.

Like on the show, I have gotten to examine my lifestyle, learned where it needs improvement, and feel grateful to be me.

mood: pumped (and a bit surreal- invasion of the body snatchers!)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Back in the real world

Buddhism teaches not to cling to good feelings or resist bad ones. My vacation is over, I am back in my snowy city, but I am trying not to feel sad about it. Life is made up of happy, unhappy, and neutral moments, I am not going to feel disappointment because I am not elated like I was during my vacation.

I feel like I really deserved this vacation. My inner dialogue the last four years has been me promising myself that life will get better, without being sure I could come through with the promise. Life is better, and next time I am having the suicidal thoughts I can look back at how bad it was, that I thought it would stay bad but it didn't. I am glad to have a reward to give myself for not "giving up."

I also feel like I deserved my vacation fling. To kiss a brutally hot man with a lovely personality is what a person needs to bring thier standards back up. I had the tendancy of saying "yes" to dates with men I didn't feel a spark for, thinking that saying "no" would be superficial or unfair. The lovelyness of kissing someone you are really drawn to is unreplaceable. If his personality doesn't suck me in right away (it really is mostly personality- I mean it) then the chemistry isn't there, so I'll say "no thanks." Had I followed this rule, Marshmallow Cock would have never happened.

I also got a little taste...of a directionless life. Partying is addictive, especially when you mix in the ego-stroking and excitement of the hunt. I drank 3 nights straight, and if it wouldn't make me fat and addicted I would want to do it every night. I had a short party girl phase in college that I got over soon enough, but I could see myself sliding back into it. It's not the drinking as much as the sexual conquest that is so alluring to me. Fortunately I got some reality checks. I felt royally bummed out knowing I would never see Mr. Perfect again, and I maxxed out my credit card, leading to me at the airport today with no money to eat. Both were like mini versions of the consequences of what that lifestyle eventually leads to.

One thing I will integrate into my life is I am going out more. I will try to keep the drinking and boy-smooching to a limit (the latter a REAL challenge for me- especially since I have only recently been at a weight where I have gotten ANY attention!) But dressing up and going dancing are both very healthy, and I need to do them much more.

So following the Buddha's instructions I am not feeling sorry for myself because I am home now, or clinging to the vacation feeling...I am taking what I learned from the vacation instead. The water doesn't cling to the reflection of a passing cloud...I will not cling to the elation of a past weekend. Oh, and the Buddha also taught to abstain from mind altering substances like alcohol- I guess I have a lot to learn.

mood: ok. I do want to make my life more cheery I think.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Of course I ended up standing next to the naked guy

It’s 10:09 AM and I am sitting under a parasol sipping coffee on the patio at an incredible hotel in the Florida Keys. In the hotel room is a very attractive blonde who I will call Kelly, I call him this because he looks to me like a surfer, like Kelly Slater, and his real name is one that could be a girls name too. I don’t know where to begin.

We drove to the keys from Fort Lauderdale yesterday. One of the first stops in the Keys was “The Caribbean Club” in Key Largo. The Humphrey Bogart film “Key Largo” filmed there. According to Francis’ dad it’s bad luck to pass the Caribbean Club without stopping there, we did not need that, so we stopped. I had vowed not to drink during the day to go a little easier on my poor abused body, but when Francis ordered a frozen drink, it sounded too good to resist, so I ordered what ended up being an extremely strong pina colada and we sat outside and watched the enormous graceful pelicans.

We drove for about four hours total and then arrived at key west at about 6:00. We checked into the hotel, a collection of 3 houses, directly across the street from the Ernest Hemingway house, and we headed out. Francis and I had a little spat as we walked towards the pier, it was about something dumb, but it had been coming. Francis is a very unique and amazing woman, a joy to spend time with. What makes her so special is she feels no obligation to follow social conventions, which can be a lot of fun and quite refreshing. This doesn’t mean however that she is a completely laid back. She DOES follow a set of rules, not society’s rules, Francis’ rules, and she can be just as rigid as a bible belt preacher about them. I ended up getting sick of her repetitive criticism of which pictures I chose to take, the price I was willing to pay for a refrigerator magnet, and the fact that I see maps as useful. The tension had gotten thick, I said something condescending to her during a misunderstanding, and she said something condescending back. We walked silently for about 10 minutes and we apologized.

We ate at a restaurant on the pier, and then headed to the evenings destination, the clothing optional bar “The Garden of Eden.” I had left my ID at home, I was in a rush to leave for the plane, and my room is back in disaster mode. When we arrived the bouncer asked for my ID, Francis knew I didn’t have it, so we shrugged and I said “No, I’m not 21” (I obviously am) I regretted that I was bitchy like that, especially since I hate having people argue with me at work. We walked back to the hotel to get my Airport ID, it has my picture on it, and my Flight Attendant’s license has my birthdate on it. Even if the bouncer wouldn’t let me in I wanted to at least get to apologize for being rude to him. He ended up letting me in, with the promise that I would buy him a shot after his shift. He said “I’m going to get a redheaded slut” Ha ha. (I have auburn hair)

First thing I saw when we walked in “oh! a penis!” it was funny to see that, an old man’s penis attached to a man sitting with his fully clothed wife. And then, first thing when we ordered a drink, “oh! boobs!” The bartender was very nice, good thing because otherwise I might hate her for her equally nice boobs. We took our drinks and I suggested we walk to the ledge (the bar is on a rooftop! Beautiful!) Francis walks to a spot where of course I ended up standing next to a naked guy. The naked guy was Bob. I chatted with him a bit, of course he started talking about being naked, but he was very nice.

Not long after arriving I got to dance with a Cuban man with no teeth or english speaking skills, that was fun. We got many margaritas from the toothless man’s friends, and a redheaded slut from the bouncer. And then they walked in. Leslie, a big burly lumberjack type, yummy, and Kelly, the surfer looking guy. Leslie approached us and said hi and was talking to Francis mostly, as Kelly and I sat on the sidelines leaning in. They left to smoke a bowl and when they came back Leslie said “When in Rome” and took everything off, I was very pleased (though I didn’t look!)

It was very funny, the moment Leslie took off his clothes Kelly moved to a seat a few feet away from him. I sat next to Kelly and asked “does it make you uncomfortable to sit next to your friend when he’s naked?” and we started a conversation. He was very nice, a bit shy maybe, but who isn’t at a clothing optional bar. The conversation went to work and to massage school. He, like everybody, said he needed a massage and I let him know right away that I wasn’t going to do ........They just came to say goodbye, GOD THEYRE HOT! I hate to see them go but I love to watch them do it!.............anyway, I let Kelly know that nothing would happen but I would love to give him a massage. We went off to the corner and I got to put my hands all over his gorgeous tanned body. As a side note, I did it in my bra LOL!

When it was time for the Garden of Eden to close, Bob the naked guy told us about a bar called the green parrot, we found it after searching for it hazily, and sat down for a beer where we met the schizophrenic man. He seemed relatively normal, not at all aggressive, but told us that there were chemicals being sprayed in the air, and that he wasn’t an alien. Bob the naked guy, who was now clothed, showed up at the bar too.

Kelly was just really wonderful and sweet. He didn’t kiss me until he was invited, which was nice, and it was uncomfortable for my ego, because I wanted him to want to devour me. He said a few times that I was sending him mixed messages. I really appreciated that he communicated to me that I was sending out sexual messages instead of reading them and then using them against me later. I swear to god I don’t know how not to send these mixed messages. I wanted to kiss passionately without having sex. We talked about it and he said it would be nice to sleep together, I couldn’t have agreed more.

We walked to the hotel around 4 to the sounds of roosters crowing. Right away Francis and Leslie left to sneak off to another hotel’s hot-tub. YES! Kelly and I kissed passionately like I wanted, and it got pretty hot. He could sense I was feeling really frustrated with my feelings, and I thought that it was nice that he was intuitive enough to notice it, and that he cared enough to ask about it. I asked him if he wanted to have sex and he seemed to agree with me that it would be cool, but it would be weird the next day, and he seemed to think it’s better with someone you care about too, I felt so nice to be able to just enjoy the making out without having the guilt trips thrown at me like I am used to.

I woke up at about 8 or 9 with a stuffed up nose, and a parched throat looking Coyote ugly with my messed up hair and smudged makeup. I didn't;t know what to do with my body, should i cuddle up with Kelly or give him space? I know it would have been 10 times weirder if we had slept together. After tossing and turning I decided to get up and go to the pool. It worked well, it gave me an excuse to fix myself up, and to not have to figure out the cuddle question. I woke him up and invited him, and his eyes lit up when he opened his eyes, which was nice. I ended up telling him to sleep awhile and to meet me out there if he woke up, he didn’t and I was glad. I enjoyed the time to think and be alone, and especially enjoyed not having the awkwardness of talking.

Now as I finish this we are on the Florida Turnpike heading back to Fort Lauderdale. I am not excited to go home but I think it’s good because I have spent so much money and drank so much. Nothing more could happen to top these few days. It has been so much fun I can’t believe it. Old Diana is back, the girl my friends met in college, the girl I was at 13. I sincerely thought that who I was was buried in the past. I’m still here and I have my whole life in front of me.

mood: good

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sex on the beach

Happy New Year! I began mine in beautiful Fort Lauderdale, FL!

I got off the plane at 11:26PM. First thing I took off my ugly snow-proof shoes and slipped on my sexy evening summer sandals. We rang in the new year with the windows of the car open as we drove along "the strip" with fireworks and people to the left and right of us, and the horns of the lined up cars honking.

We drove to an amazing hotel that Francis (the neighbor I met when I knocked on the door intending to flirt with her boyfriend) described as "the old people dress up bar." The hotel is right on the beach, it is a beautiful building, it reminds me of the "Beverly Hills Hotel." Of course they are going to tear down this amazing building and put up a highrise that will block out the midday sun. We considered staying there last night, but it would have cost $100 for each of us, and there are other ways I wouold rather spend $100.

At the bar I met Mario Bravo, a bartender I had heard of more than once. He was fabulous with long white curls, Elton John style red rimmed glasses and a long silky shirt with masqurade masks printed all over it. As the night ended he released large bunches of baloons. This is bad for whales, but I held my tounge about it. It did look pretty to see them fly away.

We met some FEMA guys at the bar, including a guy who had arrived right after Wilma, and when I say "right after" I mean there were 12 of them, and over a million people to serve. The man I spoke with went in great detail about this, but I am afraid it was hard to concentrate after ingesting my two margarita and Lexapro cocktail.

We also met some firefighters from Missouri who were in town working on rebulding. We were approached by the one they call "Sasquatch" and soon the whole gang was sitting with us. This was a wild bunch. Steve and his wife Chrissy joked about having "Sex on the beach" I begged them to do it so I would have a story to tell my friends back home (you know I was thinking please do it so I can blog it!)

They took my dare, and went out to the edge of the water while Sasquatch snapped pictures. Next thing I know Sasquatch comes to the patio with their pants, and I can see a bare butt moving around :) Sasquatch was having as much fun as they were, he stripped down to his shorts and there was a moment there when it looked like he was showing them his Sasquatch!

I knew it was time to go when Sasquatch started asking us to flash the camera. He also asked if I wanted "Sex on the beach" To which I replied "No thank you, I have had enough to drink." This was a wild, wild bunch. I did alot of thinking about how I would deal with the evening if Francis wasn't there. This is a group where you get laid. A group you'd have threesomes with, orgies even! I feel like I am at a new phase in my life, right? I wouldn't want to participate, right? I was so thankful to have Francis there, keeping me normal, because it would feel so fun and so natural to let the evening just happen, to all of it's wild extremes. As we left Francis gave them a friendly goodbye, "Girls Gone Wild" style.

We arrived to the condo that Francis is in Florida is fixing up for her ill, elderly father. It looks great. Francis is the woman who I spent so much time at thrift stores with back home, and she really knows how to find things. The condo looks like a magazine. The best find? Two CRAFTMATIC ADJUSTABLE BEDS! Thats right, I slept last night on a craftmatic adjustable bed, with my head slightly up and my legs elevated above them.

She stayed in the room with me last night, and we fell asleep to the hum of our craftmatic adjustable beds massage feature, interspersed with residual laughter from a 5 minute uncontrolable laughing fit.

This was the best way for me to start my new year, as the old, (but improved) fun me! I had made a decision that this would be the year that I focus on my friends and family, that I would come out of my narcissictic self-protecting shell. To add to that I am going to resolve to have, and be, a lot of fun. I suppose I should be careful though, I should keep my fun to a moderate level, where the "sex on the beach" is limited to a drink, that is of course, unless it is in the context on a love relationship :)

mood: very very happy