Friday, April 25, 2008

I called the health department on my company!!

Uh! You wont believe what I just did! I just called the health department against my company (or the airport.) I am in a southern hub, and a toilet is backed up, and a sign says "toilet is out of order, AGAIN." The bathroom smelled like an outhouse, and it was so bad that when I was trying to wash my hands, I heaved 3 times really strong, and if I had stayed longer I would have thrown up. The last time I gagged like that in a bathroom was in a pit latrine by a hospital in Uganda. I can't believe the employees at an airport are supposed to survive something like that. It is an hour later and I am still sort of nauseous!

It seems stupid to make this a race issue, maybe I should say I think it could be a class issue. Middle class people wouldnt be put in those conditions, and maybe middle class people would know that it is illegal (right?) and know that there is an authority above the managers. In addition, maybe middle class people arent as used to being treated like shit, and when you are abused regularly, you just learn to cope, and save your energy/pick your battles.

One thing is, maybe there are other channels I could go through, like the company, but I don't think it could get that bad without people having already complained to management. I just "can't stomach" being in the city of my airline's headquarters, where the CEO's mansion is, and knowing the employees go through that. And I am not talking about Pilots and Flight Attendants by the way. We spend most of our time upstairs. I am concerned about the rampers, who might have a split second between flights to use the restroom, and not have time to go upstairs.

Predjudice as this might sound, there might be a "southern work ethic" going on here. My e-mail address is in my profile, so you can correct me if you think I am being unfair. For international readers, the North and the South have some cultural differences (there are plenty of regional cultural differences in our large country) and we sort of turn our noses up at each-other. The north, of course, is better, but of course, also, I am from the north, so I do think that. I have to get to my next flight so I cant get too deep into it.

All I can say is I am glad I called. Yes, I am sticking my nose in another city's business, but maybe someone needs to.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I live in the f-ing twilight zone

What the hell is going on?

I set my clock yesterday to match my phone, and my computer was an hour fast for no good reason. Now my phone matches my computer and my clock is an hour slow.

What is going on? Am I being punk'd?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Zeitgeist Movie

I love laughing at conspiricy theories. I was instructed to watch "Zeitgiest, the movie" and I assumed it was a movie about religion. It is, and it's about 911, and its about banks. I am watching it right now.

Here is the thing. It all makes a lot of sense. I am very attuned to manipulative propoganda, yet somehow the maker of the documentary has earned my trust. I think this quote did it :

"That being said, It is my hope that people will not take what is said in the film as the truth, but find out for themselves, for truth is not told, it is realized."

I hate that I am too lazy to look up any of this stuff on my own. I hate it because it's probably true, and if I did the work of looking it up I could verify or disprove it, so since I am not doing the research, I can just float in the comfortable cloud of doubt, which can equally be called DENIAL. Denial that my civil liberties are being eroded, and have been eroded.

And Obama is going to be assasinated (thats not in the movie.) This is my prediction.

One thing that is on my mind while watching this is the power of films to expose the truth. No, I am not talking about documentaries. I am talking about fiction. Movies like "The Matrix" and "V for Vendetta" (oops! I just realized they are made by the same people! LOL!) Can illustrate scary, scary, mindblowing truths in a way that can alter a person's understanding of reality while fooling them into believing they are being entertained, and while fooling the people being described that it's "just a movie."

You could say the same thing about books. Books are for sure MORE powerful than movies, but uneducated people dont read books. Uneducated people are easier to manipulate to gain power, so a movie is a good medium to counter the message.

I need to get some of my intelligent friends to watch it, see if they laugh at me for liking it. I am not saying it's a well made film, but I like how much it's making me think.

It's very possible I am a dork, I saw this documentary while I was tired and "open" to messages that take a small amount of truth and expand on them into a wild convoluded theory, but even if thats true, there are definate truths in this. And Americans are too blisfully distracted by TV and luxury to examine them. (And BTW, I am not doubting the tying of the Jesus story to the pagan stuff, i have believed that for years)

Watch it, just for fun. Feel free to send me an e-mail of your opinion.

UPDATE: Woah! I just saw the quote "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will no peace" attributed to Sri Chinmoy Ghose, who I read about in Runners world as being a kooky cult leader! Bad move Zeitgiest dude, to align yourself with an immoral kook, and to probably have the wrong person given credit for the awesome quote (though awesome quotes can be written by cult leaders"

UPDATE 2: I like the way I wrote about it on Myspace. People should watch "Zeitgeist, the movie" as science fiction. 1984 is science fiction, though it is very valid and important.


Saturday, April 19, 2008

The muse is a bitch

She shows up at the worst time, at night. Especially when I need to be getting to bed. I have my running clinic in the morning, and the last thing I need is to get my heart racing when it's time to sleep.

I have been corresponding with a man who's music I like very much. Things seem to be going in a romantic direction in his mind, which is probably bad because he may be mentally unstable, but he is an artist so of course he is.

Now he wants me to be friends with his guitarist. I feel like this is also a romantic thing, but I am not going to cut things off just because of that. He had said we would be friends, so why worry about it? Well I was getting aquainted with the guitarist over IM, and the muse hit me again. When I start discussing creativity with people who practice it regularly I get this rush like "I want to be in that world!" because I know that I am creative, always have been, and I havent given myself the appropriate chance to express it since college. Probably since I went to that soul-crushing Catholic college.

So here I am inspired. I want to pull my keyboard down, but I just know I will get lost in it, and I really need to sleep.

I wish I could control her, but I suppose I havent tried yet. I am sure there are things I could learn about myself that could help me figure it out.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Big work news

While writing my last blog post, I recieved a text message about some big news that might affect my job.

Oh PLEASE let me still have a job after this!!!!!!!!

Linda has been such a crab lately

I just had an annoying experience with Linda. We have an optional run club meeting at 6:30. Well at 6 I sent her a message on myspace (she was online) saying "do you still want to go?" about a minute later she sent me an e-mail saying "do you want to go?"

My charger was in my car, and my phone was off because of the battery, so I was glad to catch her online. I wrote back immediately and said "wow I just sent you the same message on myspace, hahahahahah" No response

At 6:08 I wrote "why dont we meet there" no response

At 6:17 I wrote "please write back so I know what you are planning" no response

I just decided to meet there, in case she read the e-mail and went straight there. I got ready and went to my car, and turned on the phone. I didn't listen to my messages because I wanted to save the battery for coordinating with her. When I called i noticed the signal in my fucking car was smoking! Something is screwed up about my windshield wipers, but I am too lazy/untrusting to have them fixed. So I was about to tell her that I was coming, but when I saw the smoke I started paniking and said I was going home. She said "thats fine" I hung up so I could turn to go home. It was rush hour traffic and I couldnt turn so I decided to go the extra 6 blocks to the run club and deal with it later (I feel too anxious now anyway) I called her and she said she isn't going.

When I got home I plugged in the phone and heard her messages. The first said she wanted to go, the second said "if you dont call me in 10 minutes I'm not going." I accept that it is my fault that my phone was shut off, but why did she e-mail me, and then not check to see if I e-mailed back. I mean, I e-mailed IMMEDIATELY after she sent hers. It almost feels like she subconciously wanted to not go, so she made it seem like it was my fault. So annoying.

This isn't the first time she has been this way. Last week she acted SO WEIRD. She had goodwill stuff, and it's always fun to dig through goodwill stuff. She has let me before, and I have let her before. So I said "fun! I want to look in there" and she was REALLY resistant. It was bizarre! I think it maybe because she was donating some things that I had given her from Mexico in High School.

I think the reason she gets this way with me is she married a dude with ADD. I like him, don't get me wrong, but he can be rude (or impulsive, if you prefer.) I feel like she is impatient with me, thinking I am just like her husband. Or, she has so much tension about her husband, that she holds it in and takes it out on me.

I sent her a text message taking full responsibility (not even mentioning the odd sending of an e-mail and not checking for a response) and she is yet to text me back. Oh well. I know this will blow over, but I hate that she is like this. She hates her job, she is in debt from her wedding, and she says her inhaler that she uses before running makes her agitated. Grrrrrr.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I saw my "friend" I don't like- AGAIN!!!

I happened to be in a completely diffrent hub in the crew lounge, and who should walk in? Girl I dont like! EH!

She just makes me feel so awkward. Basically I can tell she is depressed or false (or both) she pretends to laugh at jokes which is really off-putting, and she pours on the compliments. She kept commenting on my hair, and today it was greasy and disgusting. People complimenting you about something you feel self-concious about is really off-putting.

She had said something about men, and I said "mmm, I am not going to date anymore, I am going to make music instead" instead of saying the normal thing "good plan" or laughing at me, she said something like "there is meaning in that" or some shit. And I said "yeah, meaning I dont want to date anymore, instead I want to fill my time with being creative" And this twat calls herself a "life coach."

Thats the thing that gets to me. This bitch NEEDS a life coach- OH! OH! there is more! I had a people magazine with JLo in it, and I was making fun of JLo's conspicuous consumption, and she defended it! I guess her spiritual path thinks mink wraps for babies is a great thing! (real folks, read it)

So, I decided to leave a little early, because I just wanted to get away, and she decided to come with! I told her my gate and she said she likes a bathroom around there. I was like "yeah, I like ones out of the way too" -best answer I could come up with. So I am walking and she wants to show me the place she hangs out or something. So I just want to stay at the top, and let her point to it, but she goes on down the escalator. So I'm like "eh, bye I guess" and she says "come down" and I'm trying to explain that I want to get to the gate, and she is asking about my times and saying I have time or something. So I come down the stupid escalator, and I'm like "eh, great bathroom...I guess" and she's like "I thought you needed to use the bathroom." Yeah, really weird.

So this woman creeps me out. I wish I never got buddy buddy with her, but on the surface she seems like a earthy-spiritual type. But get closer you realize she is a nutjob. And now she has my e-mail address. Ew. If I didn't work with her she would be cut out so fast. I felt icky.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Yup, I don't like her

Have you ever had a friend, and one day realized "I don't like her/him?" I dont know how it is I came into being "friends" with this girl, but its official, I just dont like her. (this is "I dont need to vote because only god has power, not people" girl)

I have some story on my blog about her taking advantage of me giving her a ride, but I can't rember what fucking name I called her. Protecting peoples privacy is such a drag.

I wont stop being "friends" with her, because its work, and its better to have friends than enemies, but GOD I wish I didnt give her my e-mail address!

These things have nothing to do with eachother...or do they?

1. I just gave a girl my e-mail address. A little later whe I brought up politics she said something that implied that God has all control over everything, so she doesn't vote. Like voting is a waste of time because god is in control. Damn, and I already gave her my e-mail address.

2. I just ate a salad, and I realized, when I eat vegetables, I become happy. Not sure why, but it's pretty consistant. Next time I have a meltdown I will eat a veggie sandwich and see what happens.

The end.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Minorly depressed

I can feel I am a bit depressed. I hope it doesnt last long. I hope it can be excorcised with art or something.

I had another awful dream, during a daytime nap I felt was my right, partially because I am working a "High-speed" tonight, which means 4 hours rest, which means I dont plan to sleep at all I think.

My dream involved Gene Simmons & Hugh Hefner, and a lot of dehumanizing of women. My reaction was a mix of pain and hedonism. I was happy to wake up, even if I had plenty of orgasms in my sleep.

By the way. Mike wrote me 2 e-mails last night. I think he wants a girlfriend without the effort or sex. whatever

I was pregnant

Last night, in my dream, until I woke up, I was pregnant.

It was exciting, but naturally it was scary. The father was a band member who was not my boyfriend, but was a very sweet guy who I was probably in the early stages of seeing. I had planned to tell him at six months for some reason.

Wow. That dream was intense. A little life was growing in my body. I was not as excited as I imagine I would be if I got pregnant (by accident) because reality was setting in, I couldnt work the hours I was working, and where would I live?

In my dream my family already knew I was pregnant, because I was in the background of a home video, rubbing my belly lovingly. Ha ha

WOW! that dream was INTENSE! I was relieved to wake up with a round, but empty belly.

...or maybe not

Perhaps this is not all about Charles, but Charles is the relationship I can manage to cope with. Barely, by the way. I have a picture of mike opened on my screen right now, and my brain keeps pushing away the way I felt. It's too raw. The worst part, is admitting that he doesn't feel the same way. It is such a violent blow. It's like I am the stupidest person on the planet. I feel that way a lot.

I think I have a very romantic mind. I just want to fall. Fall in love. If I am going to develop love over time I don't want to plan it that way. I wonder if I am unrealistic. Why did I fall for Mike so hard, so fast? He just matched what I wanted. I wanted a smart boy. A responsible boy. A boy I had chemistry with. A caring boy. Which right now I don't feel like he is, but he is, I am sure, feeling sad about hurting me. That's not of course what I want. I want him pining over me, but you cant want things into existance. I play the fool, once again.

You know who else comes in my mind everytime I break up with someone? New York Name Dropper guy. He was a first for me too. He was older than me (much older I learned later) and talking to him was one of (or maybe the first) time I connected with a man. I still pine for him now and then, but I know he lied to me, and was probably married. Also, (as his name implies) he was insecure, and hid behind the people he knows & works with. I remember being very impressed when I was suicidally depressed, and less impressed when my health returned. I believe he was also less impressed, with the less star-struck Diana, especially when he dropped names of people he worked before a weekend he was supposed to see me, but didn't. The message was clear "I was with important people" which of course, proved that the alternative, me, was not important.

3 guys who didn't treat me as important, just like my dad did, my only parent. I don't know if I enter patterns where men dont treat me as important, but I know I cant stand it when they don't.

Mo treated me well. Even though it was long distance. I guess I got sick of being on the phone.

wooh, that cry felt great!
I just made the decision that I should sketch Mike's picture. To spend time observing his face closely. Its ritualistic, thats all I can say to explain it.

I decided instead to sketch Charles first, and the moment the idea came in my head, my knees buckled, my head and shoulders collapsed and I started to cry.

Two way love. I guess thats what I had. For the first time in my life, and so far, the last. I have to start dealing with it. Its been a year. I have dated half a dozen people since him. I think Mike was the first time I opened to the thought it could happen again.

I bonded with our daughter. I had already met her. We were going to be a family. Thats what I thought in my head. But when he left to Kenya, it wasnt right. He was gone 2 weeks before even calling me. The relationship I had in my head was in my head. I wasnt his partner. I wasnt the one he turned to. His mom had typhoid and I didnt know until after the fact.

In the end, I feel so alone. I have many people in my life. But no parents. I have, and will, be the one to hold myself up. Don't think for a second though that I dont appreciate the people in my life and who have been in my life.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Brilliant observation on my part

My life has a hole in it. A man could fill that hole, Mike did, but that will only satisfy me for a year or so, and then I will be right back to where I am, feeling this dissatisfaction.

Instead I need to fill that hole with creativity and accomplishment. That is all that will satisfy me. If I find a partner, great. But that is not what is missing from my life.

I have recently been struck by the fact that I meet so many amazing, interesting people, but I am not particularly interesting. I love praising & admiring others, but when I do I often feel a jealosy, not from the attention, but from the sense of accomplishment they get to feel.

Mike broke my heart, so now I am feeling "that ache." That ache has brought out amazing things in me. Maybe something new is about to come out.


I am broken. He broke me, and I have to put myself back together. Just like in Buddhism, the only way to enlightenment is through suffering, I am dismantled, which is a gift to allow me to put myself back together in the way I want.

And I feel very protective of myself right now. I am tired of giving my energy away. I am actually pleased Mike put up a new ad, the night we broke up. It proves he is foolish. There aren't a million mes floating around. He will figure that out soon enough. It is, however possible, that he doesn't want a me. I might be more than he can take. That's ok. I am glad to know now, not later

The pain keeps coming back!!!

It's an ache. A lonliness. It goes away for a bit, but then it returns when I forget to pretend it's not there.

I am thinking to myself "thank god it's over- because he wrote 'dating should be fun-but not that kind of fun' " When the truth is I am not happy it's over. I am hurt. HURT HURT HURT.

And again, the pattern continues. The woman punished for liking sex.

What I know I need to do is mourn this somehow. I am thinking I need to do something creative. I have a big, awesome keyboard, so I need to pull it out and let it out. Pain brings out great creativity. And great pain creates moving art.

And this pain is the pain of Mike, compounded with the pain of Charles, compounded with the pain of my dad. All three acted like I didn't matter. Didn't pay me the small amount of attention I needed. And I don's require much.

I am so grateful for hot pilot's call last night. And for Myspace (I have gotten lots of attention from there- I like it :) )

(oh, speaking of myspace, I see Mike looked at it tonight. So he hasn't forgotten me altogether at least. No, don't worry. I'm not holding on to hope. I just like knowing I cant be forgotten in 2 days)

Friday, April 04, 2008

OUCH! Mike has a new craigslist ad up ALREADY!

Eww. Yeah. Already.

This ad isnt as good as his first was. And this one says "Dates should be fun, but not that kind of fun" What the hell does that mean?

Ow. Eww.
still, after the rush of the hot pilot conversation...the sadness comes back :(

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Another thing to cheer me up- prospects

OK, so these arent all good prospects, because many of them would not be good matches, but here are the sprouts that could, if watered, grow in my life.

-A dude I went on a pleasant but awkward mini-golf date with a few years ago found me on myspace, and we are in touch
-A sweet soldier on myspace (who I dont want, because he should have a christian girl) but he is nice
-I dont remember the name I gave him, but the Pakistani IT dude who I freaked out on when I stopped taking the risperdal. He randomly got back in touch with me.
-This canadian musician. His band added me on myspace, I commented on their page, and he wrote me and gave me his e-mail. He might be a player, but it's still attention :)

So I am not an unpleasant hag. People are interested in me because I am tired of feeling bad about being fat and am just confident with what I've got. They are interested in me because I like to tell jokes, and I want the world to be better (even if I am not an activist.) They like me because I like me. I'm glad I like me enough to ask for what I deserve, because how else will I get it if I don't demand it?

Did I mention the hottest (and worst spelling) pilot on the planet told me he has the hots for me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine this was your week

Saturday you lay in a man's arms, and look in his eyes, and feel a connection that you may have never felt in your life.

The next day you are glowing. But each day after that you get sadder, and sadder, because you dont hear from him, by phone, e-mail, or text message. You start flirting for hours on IM with a musician in Canada to fill the void.

On wed, after signing off with Canada-man, you realize that what you want is to hear from your guy. You see he has been looking at your myspace, but you have no direct attention from him. You write him an e-mail, telling him that only communicating on saturdays makes you feel sad. His response is "can we call this off?"

You write back "yes, I am glad we are, because I don't want to get hurt, and I can I have stronger feelings for you than you do for me" and he writes back "I'm exasperated. You make it sound like a competition."

The next day (today) he calls and wants to get together for coffee saturday. You tell him you need a month or so before you are ready to be friends. He sends a number of persistant e-mails about meeting saturday, and you get a twinge of hope that he may talk you out of the break-up. But then he sends a text saying "I just don't want you to be sad"- he doesn't want you back, he wants to clear his concience of the guilt of breaking your heart. You write back that "no one is wrong, we just want different things" and he finally says "okay, call me when you are ready"

On your myspace yesterday you manipulatively posted that you are having a bad day, knowing he looks at it. You are hoping that he will know he matters to you, because you wonder if he is pushing away out of insecurity. Mo writes you. The sweetie. And so does THE HOTTEST PILOT IN THE WORLD who also happens to be drunk, asks for your "fone number" and you chat with him for an hour.

This pilot, who can best be described as a Ken doll, tells you a number of times (with the disclaimer that he is in love with someone else so he is not hitting on you) that he is really attracted to you, and that you are an amazing person, and many other flattering things.

So yes, that was my week (so far...whats next?)

Sent: Wednesday, April 2, 2008 10:47:39 PM Subject: Re: I feel sad


Well, I’m not sure how to respond. I don’t think I’ve been so negligent. It’s only been a little while since I saw you, 78 hours to be precise.

To be honest, I did feel a bit of a horn dog. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever used that term, “horndog”. But the thing is, I think I was the one who got taken advantage of. That’s my fault.

I think you’re pretty good at figuring out people’s feelings Diana, but then you go and internalize things. You’re right, I’m not ready for a serious relationship, at least not right away. You kinda scared me when you talked about oral sex, haha. I’m definitely not ready for that.

I don’t know. Can we call it off? I really don’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t know you felt sad or used. I liked hanging out with you. But, I don’t think I can keep up with you in terms of a relationship.

I was thinking about calling you to talk about this, but I’m pretty sure I would be much less articulate and much more awkward if I called.

I’m rambling, but I really wanted to let you know thatI liked talking with you. I think you’re pretty empathic. And it was fun meeting someone else who likes fish.

It’s not like we can’t hang out still. We can still watch movies together, and go on bike rides. I’d really like that. I thought it was really sweet thatyou offered to let me use your bike, but that you have to put the tires on first.

Can I call you tomorrow? I would like to talk.




Well, odd as it sounds, I feel better now, even though we are calling it off.

The fact that 78 hours doesnt feel like a lot to you is concrete proof that my feelings are much stronger for you, than yours are for me.

Another reason why I feel better is you day you felt like a "horn dog" as if that is a bad thing. In my opinion it is a way 2 people who like each other bond with each other, and make each other happy. When I mentioned oral sex I wasn't offering it, I was trying to learn about you, to understand you better. I don't like recieving oral sex, it makes me feel shy, so I was trying to see if I could understand where you were coming from in not wanting me to reciprocate with you.

I probably can't talk tomorrow, I am on a trip, I am overnighting in -------, and my cousin is here, so I will be with her or at work for tomorrow and the next day until 8PM.

I'd like to be friends, but maybe after awhile. I have been falling pretty hard for you. I need some time to recover.

I want only good things for you

your friend,

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

WOW! Did I click send?!?

I am not going to make it very long like this, this "saturday only" communication thing. I like you more each time I see you, and this last time especially. To be apart for 7 days feels very lonely. Especially after being intimate, I actually feel sort-of used, I don't think you used me, but that is how I feel.
I realize that you havent asked for a commitment, but I never could agree to one in the future if this is how things would be. My heart can't take it. I for sure don't want to have sex either if it would be like this. I would spend the week feeling broken hearted.
I am thinking maybe you don't want someone serious in your life right now. Or maybe you don't want me in a serious way in your life right now. That is fine. Like you said in your craigslist ad, there are no guaruntees, and hurting people is not your intention. It would probably hurt less, or the same, as it feels right now.
You ignore a girl, you dont keep her. I swear its mother nature or something. Charles would probably be an American citizen right now, even with the bad skills. But he ignored me. He NEGLECTED me.
I ask for SO LITTLE from a man. If he can't meet the few expectations I have, then I do neither of us any favors by keeping him around. I will only resent him, then we will both be miserable.
I cant explain the ache in my chest right now. I am falling for him so hard, and I cant take it to only communicate on Saturdays
I almost feel like it has gone too far already. I am pissed, and my heart is closing up to protect itself. Charles broke my heart. I still havent recovered from that. Mike could hurt me 10 times as hard, because I see 10 times the potential as I had with Charles. I really REALLY like him

Hot women think alike

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I am one degree of seperation from M.I.A!!!!

OH MY GOD You heard me right!!!

The interview I just posted was not the same interview, but last November I was in an article about insomnia in Mongrel magazine and I just noticed that the article was written by THE SAME PERSON WHO INTERVIEWED M.I.A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One degree of seperation from my personal goddess. I cannot believe it!

Sometimes I feel like my life is constantly touched by greatness. Constantly. I feel frustrated by that. I get "grazed" by greatness, but I should be the greatness! I should be the one with the accomplishments.

Oh well. One degree of seperation from M.I.A.

Dating and the single Depressive

Some time ago, a guy asked to interview me for an article about dating when you are bipolar. I pointed out I am not bipolar, but he said maybe I might have some insights anyway. I was either too late sending them, or my answers didn't fit into the article, but I put a lot of time into thinking about them. I just looked over them and thought "why not post them on Diana Crabtree?"

1. What I’m particularly curious about is the dating process. How is it different if you are clinically depressed? How do you manage the issue of disclosure, for instance? At what point have you told people, and what was their reaction? Has it ever scared people off, or attracted those with savior complexes?

Dating, like everything in life, is different when you are clinically depressed. The main sympotoms of depression are anhedonia (an inability to feel pleasure) and psychomotor retardation (slow moving brain and body.) Either of these qualities, especially in combination, are very unattractive, and cause problems in relationships. A person needs to be enthusiastic and fun to be around, and someone who is always tired, and doesn't get excited about anything, can be a drag.

Another challenge about my depression in dating is my physical appearance suffers. When I am depressed I eat too much, and gain weight. I also am unmotivated to take care of myself, so I wont put any effort into my hairstyle, wardrobe or makeup. When the depression is really bad, I will shower less and sometimes not brush my teeth or wash my face at night- tell me how attractive is that?

Surprisingly, some people ARE attracted to depressed people. Some people see their own depression or other illness in a depressed person, and think they have found a personality match. Some prefer someone flawed, because it makes them feel more secure about themselves, and that the person will stay with them. Some like to have someone dependant and grateful to have them. Maybe they see the depressed person as malleable.

A few years ago I was suicidally depressed, and I had gotten in touch with a man in NY who I had met a few years earlier. We started a phone relationship which brightened my life, but it fizzled because we didn't see each other. We got in touch again about 3 years later, when my health was much better, and I was much more positive and energetic. To my surprise, it seemed he liked me better when I was depressed. When I was depressed I would be impressed by his bragging, but when my health and confidence increased, I challenged him.

Disclosure is difficult. I have decided from experience that it is best to keep it to yourself until things seem to be going in a serious direction. The reason I think it is best not to tell is because knowing that you have a mental illness can change a person's perception of you. If you get angry about something they could decide you are being irrational, even if the anger is justified. If you have a bad week, they might be unneccessarily worried about you, when it will pass, and has nothing to do with the depression. The way I see it, if they have been with me for awhile, and they like me, then when I tell them they can be confident that it wont negatively affect their life.

When I bring up the depression, I try bring it up in a very clinical way to reinforce that it is a medical condition, not a character flaw. I explain that it affects my energy levels, and that sometimes I dont want to be social. I don't apoligize for it, use it as an excuse for my flaws, or ask for sympathy. I wish I didn't have it, but I do, so I think its best to present it as "You want me, well this is a part of me. I am not ashamed. I think you will be pleased if I am in your life, but if you are not supportive of my treatment (I take medication) or you don't believe that depression is a medical condition, then I don't want you in my life."

2. What is your opinion of internet dating – does it come with different rules if you are depressed? There are some websites that bring together people with certain mental illnesses -- No Longer Lonely, for instance. What do you think of them -- would you ever consider (or have considered) using one? Do you think it’s better to date others who are depressed or have BP? Do you think these websites create “ghettoes” for people who have mental illness (as someone suggested) or do they facilitate better (more understanding) matches?

I think internet dating is terrific, especially in our culture today. Does it come with different rules if you are depressed? Well, I know that e-harmony excludes people they consider mentally ill from their test. I frankly think that is okay, I see it as a plus (if they didnt exclude gay people, which I am morally against, mental illness screening would a factor that would motivate me to sign up.)

I think the websites that bring people together by their mental illesses is fine, if thats what people want. I wouldn't touch a website like that with a ten foot pole. Many people with mental illnesses have them managed, but many use the mental illness as an excuse for why they are unsuccessful, and many don't do a good job of managing them. Mental illness is very hard to manage, especially because of the stigma associated with it. There are tons of unhealthy people online, I would be afraid to go on one of those sites, because I would fear that the number of sick people (people who have unmanaged mental illness) would be multiplied.

I can see the plus side of dating someone who has your same condition. Right now I am dating a man who also has clinical depression. Dating him gives me confidence that he knows how to takes the pressures of life. Most people in the world go through a depression in their life, as a response to a trauma like a death or losing a job, since the man I am seeing has clinical depression I can see that when things get hard he turns to a therapist and healthy diet, where a person who has never been depressed before might turn to alcohol or other unhealthy choices when faced with a crisis. This man and I also are good cheerleaders for each other, we point out when the other is using negative thinking, and we praise eachother for good choices. I am having a mild depression right now, and I am grateful that he can understand whats going on with me, and respond with caring, but not allowing me to wallow.

3. What sorts of misperceptions do you find yourself having to correct in the people you’ve dated? What sort of dating misperceptions have you had yourself, and how did you come to recognize them?

There are the misperceptions I mentioned in question #1, of normal anger or sadness being mispercieved as being depression symptoms. The other misperceptions are that (when I am depressed) I am lazy, unkempt, boring, asocial & unenthusiastic. If I had a choice in the matter, I would be energetic, well groomed, fun & excited. But in the end, my depression is, in some ways, a choice. If I don't take my medication, attend therapy, eat healthy, excercise, get enough sleep, and surround myself with positive people, then I am going to be more depressed, and then I become boring, unkempt, asocial etc. I dont think that just because my medical condition is the cause of these problems, that it is an excuse to be that way.

I CERTIANLY don't think that people should "want me for who I am inside" even if I am depressed. Yes, my friends, family and lovers should stay by my side if I get depressed, but if I am, or a person is depressed, they have no business dating and expecting people to accomodate their symptoms. A depressed person should do the work to get out of the depression, (therapy, medication, healthy lifestyle) then when they are healthy they have the energy to give as much as they take.

4. What’s your opinion of the way mental illness is presented in the media? Do you think it’s a cop-out when celebrities or figures like Debra LaFave (the high school teacher who slept with her student) blame mood disorders for what they’ve done, or do you think they deserve more understanding than they get from the public and the press?

I am unsure how I feel about this, but I can tell you I was very angry when I saw the movie "Mad Love" with Drew Barrymore and Chris something. They said she had clinical depression, but she was really erratic, paranoid, and in one scene put pictures of eyes all over the wall. I have no idea what illness fits those symptoms, but depression "the common cold of mental illnesses" certianly did not.


I haven't eaten much today. I forgot how well WW toast with peanut butter curbs your appetite for the day. So all I had today was the two slices of toast, a can of chicken chili, a homemade smoothie, and Quinoa spaghetti. (& coffee, of course)

Now my new roomie is in her room, I dont want to get up for a 2AM snack. My stomach is growling so much! Curses!

I better lose weight from this!