Friday, December 21, 2007

Allah works in mysterious ways

So get this...

I told you some prissy princess came to see the apartment, right? Fortunately her Queen sized bed was a great excuse for us to reject eachother without having to say "ew- I don't want to live with YOU" to eachother. Well I was telling this story to Muhammad (I told you about him, right? Maybe not? Ok, well he's a guy, and he's nice) any-hoo, he said "you wont let her live with you because she is pretty?" And I told him no, it was a vibe too, and pointed out that I am friends with Kelsey, who looks like a model.

So I decided to text her. Come to find out she got a job as a manager and a super swanky apt building, 10 minutes from the airport, and I can live there for $400 + utilites. To make it better, she cant move in for 2 months, so she will stay here, so we can see how it goes.

I am a little iffy about her. I am not 100% sure I can trust her, but hopefully I will know by the end of the 2 months. I hope so, because I sometimes have dreams of living somewhere like that, but I would never spend the money, and I think my life needs a little shaking up. I think living somewhere luxurious (as long as I wasn't wasting a lot of money on it) would please me. It would give me a boost. I also think it would be great motivation to get rid of a bunch of my stuff.

Wow. Juan has somewhere good to go, I have somewhere good to go, it's great.


Thursday, December 20, 2007


So today I came out and told Juan how I feel. I told him "I just want you to know that it hurts me that none of this seems to bother you, It seems like no big deal to you"

We talked things out, and frankly, had this conversation happened a week ago, I wouldn't have kicked him out. He is so fucking thick, I tell ya! He says to me "I did wrong, and this is the consequence" Well if you are going to make such perfect sense, why didnt you say that a week ago!!!???!!! He also said that the comment "Your next roommate will have to have a lot of money and have a lot less projects going on" was a joke. Wow, what bad timing for that type of joke Juan!

For a few moments there I wanted him to stay, if he asked to (which he wont) I would probably say yes, but now I am at peace, I can get a crash-pad person, and be happy as a clam.

Today this F/O who flew with Carter (the beautiful blonde pilot) came to see the room. This sounds funny, but she was too pretty to live here. She was skinny as hell, had cute light blonde hair, and her face looked like Jennifer Aniston, with a smaller nose and light blue eyes. I sort of sound all gay writing about her, but thats how pretty she was, I felt intimidated. I felt fat and zitty, and poorly groomed around her (well, I had just rolled out of bed) but I could tell she would be used to a very clean house, and I cant offer that. I also would feel so inferior all the time, despite my better judgement (and lets be honest, you know she felt that a little too, not to be mean to her, but I feel like I know "her type")

But it will be okay. It will be just fine. I will find a crash pad person, and everything will fall into place. My friends are proud of me for standing up for myself, and I suppose I am too.

Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference

I cant write anything. I just want...SOMETHING. Just, just...something!

I believe he cares, but he wouldnt put up any type of fight! He wouldnt try to convince me not to kick him out, and he didnt try to comfort me that he wouldnt do it again. Too much pride? Maybe. God it hurts.

You know, I definately loved him. In an a-sexual but still sexual way. Like, I didnt want to sleep with him, mostly because he doesnt seem to brush his teeth enough, but I was still drawn to him, and loved giving and getting attention from him.

Maybe he likes me less now that the sky is grey-er, and my energy is lower.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Juan hardly seems to care

Well, Juan and I are cool. He has thrown my life into a tailspin, and now he is moving, but heaven forbid he just apologize and say "I'll never do it again" so I don't have to find a new roommate, and he doesn't have to find a new place. (He did say "I did wrong") but I guess I hoped for more, sooner.

He is going to give me the money he owes, and paint the room back (god- if you were going to be this decent you couldn't have just made it right so it didn't have to come to this!?!) But I think maybe he will be happier where he is going. He is going to move to his crazy, alcoholic argintine bachelor friend's house, and he expressed "concern" for me today, because I dont go out all the time, so my quiet lifestyle probably brings him down.

What I hate is how okay he seems with the whole thing. IM not okay with it, I am very upset. But he is a different bird I guess. He has a great new job and all these great things going on, so why SHOULD he care? He's a definite extrovert, and I guess I am just one person of many in his life, while he is one of few in mine (which is how we both prefer it, of course)

You know what? I am pissed at him. This has been a shitty week. Why didnt he just talk to me at the beginning of the month and tell me if there were money problems?

Oh well. Hes on his third marriage- go figure.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Im doing it all wrong

This wasnt the post I wanted to write, after not writing for so long. i wanted to write one titled "did you miss me?" and give a brief overview of all the great things in my life. But instead, I am writing one about the mistakes I see myself making, in dealing with a crisis.

Juan has broken my fucking heart. I am so hurt I couldnt even write the words a few days ago. He gave me last months rent one month late, and now, this month, when I noticed my bank account was down to $15, I told him "I dont have the money for food" and he gave me $70. He not only didnt give me rent, he didn't even have rent set aside. So naturally I have to kick him out.

He was warned last month. I told him what Tera had done to me, and that if he was late I would kick him out, and I sent him a heartfelt text, and his response was "your next roommate will have to have a lot of money and a lot less projects going on" wrong answer. The correct answer is "I am so sorry, I cant believe I let it get away from me so long" or even better- the correct answer is to pay the rent, on time, or a day late.

So last night I didnt have the money for my medication (fortunately I got paid today so I can go buy it) so I have spent a lot of the day laying in bed and eating cookies. Basically feeling sorry for myself instead of cleaning the house and getting it ready to be shown.

My heart is broken. This is not just the loss of a roommate, but the loss of a friend. I cant tell you how much I love, I mean LOVE Juan. I cant believe he, of all people, would hurt me like this. He is the only roommate I want in this world, but I dont have the money for christmas presents this year, so obviously he has to go.

I am glad I wrote this post. I am going to get out of bed, go to the pharmacy and get my medication, and a healthy lunch (at 3 PM) and I am going to go ahead with my day- strong and powerful. Yes, he hurt me, but I should not hurt me too. I need to take good care of myself right now, because I am one step away from a depression. God i wish I could cry right now.

Oh, and did I mention my friend Joseph in Uganda went to prison for counterfieting money? Yeah, not a good week for me...

But-----I met a boy :) (Who lives in Washington DC) :(

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I Want Drugs! Is That Bad?

Dec 4, 2007

Current mood:blah

After waiting the weekend with no call from the doctor, I called on Monday and asked my diagnosis. I may not have let on, but hearing the rapid strep test was negative scared me a little, if I don't have a common throat infection- what is it? Something rare? Something serious? Being tested for Mono didn't help my fears.

The doctor said it was a virus. Which means I would be getting no antibiotics, I'd just have to wait it out. As I type this I am feeling a lot better, I have eaten solid food for 2 days, but it has been up and down, one hour I'm fine, the next I want to die, and the HEADACHES!

I certianly don't want to contribute to the development of drug-resistant germs, so I will take my sentance, er, diagnosis, in stride, but it sure would be comforting to take a pill that would kill any invaders hiding somewhere in me, spreading the discomfort out, and slowing me down longer. But besides gargling more apple cider vinegar, there is nothing I can do, so I will take my advil and shut up.

The one thing I can say is I am grateful I called in sick to work. Friday on, I had every intention of going, but as the days approached, I didn't have the renewed vigor I was hoping for. And this morning when I woke up, I knew I made the right choice. I have to go back on Thursday, and that even worries me a little, but I cant stay home forever, so I guess I'll have to suck it up.

Monday, December 03, 2007

THINK, before you vote!

Sore Throat, Sore Mood

I am grateful for the circumstances I was born in, where a throat infection will only inconvenience me, not kill me, but I am MAD right now!

The doctor said she would call me saturday with test results, she didnt, nor did she call me sunday. So I called the clinic today. They had tested me for strep, mono, and other things. The rapid strep test was negative. I got a call back from the assistant saying "The strep test is negative, hope you feel better"


That is so inadequate. No strep? That means there is ANOTHER bacteria growing in my throat, so I want to know EVEN MORE what it is!!!! Can I go to work? Can I murder the person who passed it to me, and call it self defense? CAN I HAVE SOME ANTIBIOTICS? PLEASE!!!!!

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Broken Promises

Dec 2, 2007

Current mood:impressed

The doctor promised that she would call me with the strep test results yesterday, and she didn't, so I broke my promise that I wouldn't gargle with anything.

Yesterday I started a traditional cure involving apple cider vinegar, and this morning I woke up without a fever. I called my cousin who is in town, and we went to Annie's Parlour, where the best cheeseburgers and french fries in the world are made. I devoured 3/4 of the burger in record time. The protein and salt tasted amazing after 2 days of yogurt, juice and ice cream.

Tomorrow I will call the clinic, and will hopefully get some antibiotics by then, but thanks to the apple cider vinegar, I feel good enough already that I think I could go to work on Tuesday without a problem- though my salad dressing breath may gross out the passengers!

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Vinegar Breath

I have an infection in my throat. It might be strep, it might be mono, who knows, I dont yet.

I called in sick from work yesterday and got an appointment with a doctor. The rapid strep test didn't show strep, so we are waiting for a longer culture.

She said she would call me today, but maybe I misunderstood, so I felt the need to take matters into my own hands, because it cant get worse, it is so bad right now.

Every hour, I am gargling with apple cider vinegar. It might be a waste, because my vinegar may not have "the mother in it" (a fungus) but it's worth trying. Maybe tomorrow I will go to the health food store and get apple cider vinegar with "the mother in it"

So I have no idea what my breath must smell like, a combination of an infected throat, and vinegar- mmmm, sexy.

By the way, "the one" is very likely a nutjob, and I am 100% sure is the cause of this illness. I am dumping him tomorrow after his PT test (I dont want him feeling defeated during the test)

I am Lucky to Have Strep Throat

Current mood:grateful

Boo hoo. Poor me. A sore throat that I will suffer through for a week or two, but will go away, thanks to antibiotics. I have a job where I can take time off to go to the doctor, I have insurance, so I can afford a full course of antibiotics, not just enough to make symptoms go away, but leave the stronger germs left over to become drug resistant, and why am I really lucky? My immune system can attack invaders in my body.

Today is world AIDS day. How could I possibly complain last night? The pain I am feeling is no more than a short inconvenience, after which I will return to my normal charmed life.

My dear friend M lost his father to AIDS and will need to take care of his mother when he loses her, even though he hardly has the money to look after himself. He not only takes on this responsibiliy, he spends his spare time looking after the vulnerable in his community, most of them "CHHs" Child-Headed-Households. Children who have lost their parents to AIDS

My young friend, and hero H, lost both his parents to AIDS, but embraces school & embraces being happy.

I am lucky, and in spite of their circumstances you could even call M & H lucky, they don't have HIV. But think of those with it, especially in countries without as much access to ARVs as we have.

Today I cant help wish better things for A, whos HIV was being managed, undetectable in her body, and her HIV negative son J, yet they, and a child in her body, were murdered due to ignorance of the disease.

I am embarrassed to have complained last night. I will survive this, with little lost but a few days and a few dollars.