Friday, June 29, 2007

Two weeks on a half dose of Risperdal...Should I stop altogether?

I have been depressed on and off for the last few days, including suicidal ideation. It is time now for me to stop taking Risperdal altogether (after talking to my Psychiatrist first) and I feel iffy about it.

I just HATE being anxious, and the anxiety just makes me depressed right away. Who knew? I am just so sensitive to the littlest bits of stress. It's terrible.

I think that part of the problem is my thinking patterns, I feel anxious or depressed and then I "globalize" it, meaning I extend my moment of discomfort into my whole life, and I assume my whole life will feel the way I am feeling at that moment, and I get more depressed. I also have been feeling awful after being dumped, I was dumped because I flew off the handle, and that makes me feel like an undesirable partner, which makes me think I will die alone and then of course I feel depressed then (can you see these unhealthy patterns? I feel tense because the canada dry is in the back of the cart and therefore I will die alone!)

I am hoping I can stave off a permanent depression by deep breathing, working out more (and tracking my Weight Watchers points- 3 days so far!) And socializing more. I also plan to do the well respected "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" And I am definately going back to therapy.

But I am still mad. When I get anxious like this I get so stuck in the feelings of unfairness. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if I had a mom. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if my dad wasn't drunk my whole adolecence. Why did I have to get punished with this brain chemistry when my life was already so shitty?

Maybe I will stay at a half dose of risperdal until the bottle runs out. Otherwise it will go to waste anyways. I will ask my doctor.

I am hopeful for the best. I cant say I haven't grown in the last 2 years at all, that it was just the Risperdal helping me, so I can't say I will go back to being like I was. I just hope I can get married and have a family one day. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I want what everyone else has.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Anxiety Depression Link

This is exactly why I post my diary online. Because there are things that I discover along the way that could help someone else going through the same things.

I have learned that pressuring myself to do something doesn't work, but I am observing how much this is true.

This morning I had to leave at 8:55AM, and I couldn't get myself to get out of bed, even at 8:49, and I desperately needed a shower. I knew at that moment I was feeling depressed, and that disappoints and confuses me (I am tapering an anti anxiety medicine, not anti depressant)

So I thought about calling in sick. I knew that if I did it right away I would be calling 2 hours prior to my showtime and so would not get a miss-trip. Well then I realized, 2 hours? But I only need one hour to get to work, I didn't have to leave until 9:55!

My depression was suddenly gone, I was able to get out of bed. I was unable to get out of bed 1 minute ago when I was feeling anxious, but once the anxiety was gone, I was able to get up! So the anxiety and depression are closely linked! Maybe I need to relax myself during depressed times and the depression may lift.

"Why Zebra's dont get Ulcers" is a great book that touches on this connection.

Okay, I now have 10 minutes before I need to go- but no pressure!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The nicest breakup I ever had

Well I called him back, and we chatted kindly, he was not a pussy, he was willing to talk right away, and he said I was probably right, we should go our own ways. But he wants to be friends, of course, as is polite to say.

Looking at the situation now I feel like I behaved like a psycho. I behaved unbalanced, because my emotions were (are) unbalanced, and...

I just called him again, I told him it would help me to know that my instincts were right, that he just wants to play the field right now. He said only partly, that he would also like to settle down and have kids. I said "okay, then it's my loss, I have made mistakes before and I can see that I have made one." He said I don't have to be so formal, that we have gotten to know each other for some time now. I thanked him and asked him to initiate any friendship, since I am too chicken.

He thinks I am nuts. I broke the spell and behaved like a "psycho." The fact that he doesn't want me back is proof that he is a healthy guy and worthy of my time, now that I have pushed him away.

He's an idiot- who calls someone "Jasmine" anyway?

Okay- to look at the situation in a healthy way, I made some mistakes. I should have waited to talk to him when I was calm, instead of railing on him, saying "look, if we are looking for different things than it's just fine, we can go our own ways. I dont want to waste my time." I unleased all the anger I have about my dad, and every guy who has treated me as unimportant, on him.

I cant erase it, its done. I can learn from it and not do that again. I also CANNOT beat myself up about it! That is my old pattern. There will be no internal shouting at myself "Diana your so stupid, you screwed it up" I am only allowed to say "that is so unfortunate, please learn from this Diana and dont do it again."

And I just thought of this. I have been used so much for sex because I am hopelessly naive about it. No one taught me the birds and the bees, no one taught me how to look out for myself with boys, so I always just assumed that when someone was having sex with me regularly that they liked or cared about me at least somewhat. So I got terribly hurt because I could not see the blaringly obvious signs that I was only a plaything. So now I am stuck with the belief that anyone I am sleeping with regularly could potentially see me as a plaything, even when the signs point to no, I am not. I wish I would have explained to him that it was sweet naivete that led me to be hurt in the past, instead of making it appear like a pattern that I may behave unstable like this on a regular basis.

HMMMM, I am regretting my part in this so much right now. I think I screwed up. Learn from it Diana, Learn from it

He called

I couldn't answer.

I don't know what the hell I am doing. I feel confused.

I want to talk to him again and for everything to be alright, but for what? If he became my boyfriend I think I could enjoy it but he's not the one.

UH I have such an ache in my throat. I don't know what I am doing.

Maybe I should stay with him and NOT have a relationship, thats what he wants, thats what I want. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. I just dont know.

I am so damaged sexually. I started way too young, and I pushed myself into it when I wasn't ready. Sometimes I envy the crazy women who wait for marriage and have no idea that their husband is a bad lover.

I'm not just damaged sexually I am damaged in relationships. My dad's drinking really royally fucked me up.

I don't like how I am sounding right now. I am sounding like a victim not someone empowered. I wonder if it is the anxiety from losing the Risperdal. I am feeling so damaged and difficult to manage right now. I got so rediculously jealous when imagining Saaed was dating other girls. I wouldn't be like that with the Risperdal.

I hate this feeling of not being able to trust my own feelings. I am a basketcase. I am not thinking like the calm rational woman I consider myself to be. I just feel like a wreck. It would be easier to just make Saaed go away. But if I can't deal with these emotions, how can I ever have a relationship with someone more suited for me? Oh shit...thats the anxiety talking "what if, what if...bla bla bla"

I am contemplating calling him. Errrrrr. I just dont know

Close to tears

Right now I am watching Shaq's Big Challenge. It is a show where Shaquille O'neal is trying to help 6 morbidly obese kids lose weight.

I love these weight loss shows, they are so inspiring, but this show is being extremely dramatic. They are melodramatically drilling it in how dangerous this weight is, and I have known this, but when seeing it when dealing with kids, it is choking me up.

One thing that is choking me up is my Aunt and Uncle are obese, and are raising obese kids. Bringing it up to them would be rediculous. My aunt is as anxious as me, and she has to work nearly every day to pay all the bills. Pressuring her would never help, and so her kids are just going to grow up fat, which is worse than becoming fat as an adult, because those are habits that last a lifetime.

And lets also be honest, it is making me think of myself. I am really sedentary, and it has to stop. I am working on it but I need to improve my habits because it's just going to be harder as I age. I guess this show is coming around at the right time, when I am getting back on the Weight Watcher's wagon.

That is why childhood obesity is through the roof. Kids dont have gym or recess anymore, and out of fear of predators they no longer are sent outside to play, instead they play video games. The parents are working so much that they are not able to cook healthy meals for their kids, so they are getting them McDonalds.

Okay, the show is getting a little degrading, I can't decide if it's fair or not, unquestionably what they are talking about is important. I want to see the next episode right now


If Saaed was going to call, he probably would have called by now. Too bad, I could have farted into the phone.

Just kidding, I'm sort of sad, but it saves me from being the one to cut things off. I just don't want to be having sex with someone without a relationship, it's too hard to keep myself from developing feelings. Too much work.


Today I biked a half hour to the gym, worked out then biked a half hour home. I was very proud of my accomplishment. As a healthy present to myself I bought a bag of cherrys and a quarter of a watermelon.

When I got home I was famished, and it was hot as hell. So when I started eating the watermelon and cherrys I went crazy. I ate half the bag of cherries and the WHOLE quarter watermelon!

Not long after I felt funny. I ate a tums and my stomach started hurting. Not long after my stomach expanded like a pregnant lady! It was pushed out all the way, and I couldn't pull it back to its normal size.

Silly me, apparently fruit gives you gas! All this time I thought, besides being a little acidic, that fruit could do no wrong. Thank god my roommate hasn't been home because if she was she would be hearing some ungodly noises coming from my room.

My stomach is about halfway deflated at this point. Hopefully it soon I will only look fat, not pregnant

Cheer me on!

Guess what?

Last night I took my Weight Watchers paperwork out and put it on my vanity. Today I have started tracking my points again, and I am about to go back to the gym after months and months.

I want control of my life. I want to live a different life. I am so lucky to live in a country with the sanitation, safety and opportunities that I am offered, so I need to kick this depression and live the life I would have had if my mom hadn't died.

I am psyched! Especially to imagine that the weight might come off easier now that I will be off Risperdal. It is exciting to imagine! Oh! And I learned that I am at the same weight as when I stopped Weight Watchers. I did get down to 184 when I was working out a little more (this is around the Alan time) but now I am back up to 187. Not bad! I feel so optimistic!

Wish me luck! (again)

Monday, June 25, 2007

I'm a hypocrite

I am so playing the victim here. Lets just be honest with ourself here Diana, conversation with Saaed bores you. You like him because he's hot and sweet, and because the sex is okay.

He's not breaking your heart, he's just not giving you what you want. You want to have a "relationship" because you want steady sex and affection, not because he's mister right.

I guess things arent going to work out with him, even if he does try to win you back. If he were behaving the way you want, you would either commit to him when you didn't want to or hurt him. It's lose-lose.

Be an adult Diana. Be honest.

Just talked to Saaed

I am imagining the Saaed relationship wont happen. I got upset to get a text message "Hi Jasmine" sue me. No, I can't stop him from dating other people, he's not my boyfriend, but I don't want to waste my time if we aren't going in the direction of a relationsip, I told him that and suddenly he wants to let me go!

You know what that means? He's a P-U-S-S-Y. He can't stand up to me.

I wonder if I sound like a Psycho. I just might. He may never call me again. I may never answer again. Let's be honest, I have a gut instinct, unlike usual I should listen to my gut. Do I have to feel foolish before I let him go? I guess I always want to take it to that point so I don't have to worry about "What if?"

And I think I have to let him go unless he tries to win me back, because sex if I don't trust him wont be any good.

Screw him


Afterthought: Yeah, fuck him. He is not winning me. That is the man's job, to make a woman want to sleep with him, by making her feel good. Letting me go when I am just telling him "dont waste my time if we arent going anywhere" is not the right response. Why? Because I am right, he doesn't want to settle down, and if he does, it's because he wants to settle down with a "nice" girl (like he thought I was before I was firm with him) after he has had "his fun." My gut knows this, but I am avoiding accepting it because I don't want to be alone (and because he is so hot!) I am seriously contemplating not answering the phone if he calls again

Porn Ruins Sex

I was just online searching for some *ahem* "stimulating material" and I was just struck by how terrible porn is.

Here's the scenerio, you take some naturally pretty girls who want to be famous, have a drug problem and/or are a single mother, desperate for money. For this money and attention they are willing to bleach the hair on their head, wax the rest of it off, starve themselves and have things surgically added or removed, put on skimpy clothes and snarl in front of the camera. If their drug habit or need for attention is serious enough they will show off their wax job and have sex for the cameras. Since the people paying the photographers are men, the women will be posed like they are vessles that hold the vagina and breasts, which are displayed prominently, ready for use.

Since this porn is so redily available anonymously and free online, men are using it as a regular source of "stimulation." If the men are started out young looking at this stuff, these are what they are conditioning themselves to be turned on by. Mix in a few strippers and TV shows with only women who look like this, and the men start getting it in their heads that this is normal, and an average woman, pretty, but who's got more important things to think about than only being appealing to men, is considered less attractive than normal.

And you would think that this means things are good for the girls who's first goal is to be appealing to men, but it's quite the opposite. When you look like that men will "like" you no matter what kind of person you are. If you are attractive they will proposition to you, as if you would ever be interested in them, and they will behave as if they are willing to do you the favor of letting you satisfy them.

Porn ruins sex. This whole "hook-up" culture was just coming into fruition when I was in college, and I practiced it. Far from "free-love" it is extremely lonely, you have the affection for one night, but you have to be very calculated the day after, being sure not to be too affectionate, and be prepared to be treated with less respect than you would treat an average person, instead of a little mutual appreciation for giving each other some fun.

And now the younger generation has this "hook-up culture" as their dating scene. What a tragedy! Women's sexuality is being completely ignored in this type of culture. It disgusts me because in my fantasies, the world is a very sexually open place, where we can all just have sex with each-other instead of having wars. But the way things are is so perverted and twisted, instead of connecting with eachother we are coldly, mechanically, stimulating each-others genitals to produce orgasms. Instead of having love affairs we have "fuck-buddies."

I don't know how I will raise my children to view sex. I want them to feel its clean and natural, but I dont want them participating in a culture where sex is void of all emotion. Who knows, maybe fraternities will be outlawed by then.

HILARIOUS SIDE NOTE: After washing my "assiting device" I put it somewhere to dry and couldn't find it. That would be embarrassing if I forgot about it

Summoning the Domestic Goddess

Oh god! Yesterday morning I got up at nine and cleaned the hell out of my room. I got tired around 1PM and then pretty much quit around 3:30. I thought that was fine, that I would rest for the rest of the day, and then start up again this morning on a rampage. But I'm not on a rampage. I am a lazy bum.

This is my problem, the house is moderately neat, and I am ready to quit. If I quit cleaning when the house is moderately neat, it will never be CLEAN. I want my house to be CLEAN. I want it to look like this again. And I want to give keeping it that way a try. I am so tired of having a messy house. I am so tired of not being able to find things. I am so tired of going on vacation, or on a trip for work, and being sad to be home. My apartment is very nice, it's the way I keep it that is depressing.

Okay, this post is inspiring me. And according to the picture, I have been on Risperdal for 2 years, not one. All the more reason to go off it now, I am used to being calmer, so it should be an easier transition to go off of it. Besides being crabbier and hornier I have barely noticed the reduced risperdal, and that was during withdrawl symptoms. I feel optimistic.

Okay, lets give this cleaning thing a try.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Happy Pride!

I missed the Pride parade today. Thats okay, I had a good day, I have been cleaning my disaster of a room since 9AM today. I am pretty tired right now, and I still have more to do, but I do feel good about how much I have accomplished.

It's so weird. I had about 4 boxes of stuff to sort through, during very anxious times this seems like an impossible feat, but today it was just fine, it went by surprisingly fast. The trick was I took the stuff out of his room the night before.

Happy Pride!

Farmers Tan

I spent 2 weeks in Africa and when did I get a sunburn? Here at home in the North of the US! I have a rediculous farmer's burn on my arms from shopping at a neighborhood garage sale in a nearby suburb.

Have I blogged about Hafiz yet? I didn't blog about Uganda much at all did I? I guess I was spending my time being there instead of blogging about it, I really owe it to myself to blog some of my memories from there.

Well one of my best memories was going to the orphans primary school. There is a lot to say but since it is 1:25AM I will just say there was one orphan with a green shirt on who just shined. Jennifer was teaching the kids camp songs, and he participated and had a great time. He was 13 but with no attitude. When we left we both commented on him, and I couldn't get him out of my mind. In the US he would be the class president, the validictorian, but where he was he may not even get to go to college.

I asked Joseph if the kids from the orphan school go to University. Joseph said "thats our goal" I asked if he went to government school if he'd have a higher chance of going to University and he said yes. Fast forward to today, I am Hafiz's sponsor. So today I bought a lot of stuff for Hafiz' family at the garage sale. Unfortunately it might be a waste of money to ship it all.

There has been so much to blog about. I wish so much I was blogging more right now, so I can remember this amazing time in my life, but I suppose I was barely blogging when I was dating Charles either, and that was an amazing time of my life too.

Speaking of dating, Saaed called me today. According to him "Jasmine" was meant for me. He always says "hello beautiful, or hello sunshine, or hello georgeous" so according to him "Jasmine" was another nickname for me "a flower that blooms at night." He was convincing but he had 2 days to come up with a story.

Maybe (probably) my gut is correct, but if not, then I am pushing away a really hot and sweet guy. But come on, if my intuition is telling me something, then there is probably something there. But maybe I am full of anxiety about him because he could hurt me if I let myself develop feelings, because I would fall in love, even deeper then with Charles, who I wasn't physically hot for. And I am still smarting from the failure of the Charles relationship, so any new relationship would be hard.

Apparently he will be back on Monday. I have told him I think he is a ladies man, and his response was "what do you think?" to which I said, "Uh...I think you are a ladies man" If he's not then I sound like such a dork, and if he is then I sound like a dork. I just cant win can I?

Maybe I will give him a chance (if I can allow myself to) just so I don't regret it in the end. My prediction is he is a player, and I will be able to say "I told you so" in the end. Or worse, what if he is infatuated with me and my citizenship. I dont know what it is, I just cant let my guard down with him. I want so much for him to be sincere, though, because he is very sweet and very hot.

Time for bed. Funny story, I thought my roommate was out of town so I emptied out my bedroom into the living room and she came home. At least I left her a voicemail telling her I was going to.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Saaed is a player

You already know that my intuition sent up red flags the other night when talking to Saaed about his night on the town, and now I just recieved a text message from him saying "Hi Jasmine."

Maybe Jasmine is an affectionate term in pakistan, yeah right.

It's not like he's doing anything wrong, we arent commited, but I think it is safe to say that a commitment isn't on it's way either, and would I trust him enough now anyway?

I have to remember, he also woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me, the first time was fine, but the second time he knew I didn't want to be bothered and needed my sleep.

I worry that I am going to be just too jaded to fall in love again. How can I get excited about anyone? Its not that I think love is impossible, Im just not holding my breath, and I think that my bad attitude keeps me form caring. Nah, not giving a shit is the way a girl gets a guy right?

I don't even feel hurt, just annoyed.

Risperdal tapering, day 5

I shouldn't be writing this right now, I have to get ready for work. It's 2:30PM, I have been taking a nap since noon. I guess I am really tired after getting little sleep for the last 3 days. I am curious if the Risperdal tapering is part of it too.

Last night I had the greatest reward for tapering the risperdal, my sex drive is coming back, and I was able to accomplish sensations and intensity with my hand that since being on risperdal I could only accomplish with a vibrator, and to a much lesser degree. I am so grateful to have that back.

And I have a theory. Right now I am baby crazy, I mean baby crazy. In my head I even thought "I can commit to a baby, but I am not sure I can commit to a man, maybe I should adopt without a man." Today I was looking at a gossip site, and in seeing these pictures of Zahata Jolie Pitt, I just filled with happiness. I was so happy to see that little girl smile. My theory is: Risperdal has raised my prolactin, causing my breasts to produce milk. I am sure the prolactin hormone makes a woman want to bond with a child, so I am HUNGRY to bond with a hormones are telling me to!

It makes sense. This year I became baby crazy. When I started this blog I was convinced I would be a bad mother because of my upbringing, my therapist intensly disabused me of that notion, and once I opened my mind to having children, I was able to see how much I wanted them. I also was in a relationship with a man I loved, so I could picture having kids, and I havent gotten the idea of myself as a mother out of my head. Well, all of this happened to happen when I was taking Risperdal, and my prolactin levels were increased. Hmm. Plus lets not forget the ticking clock.

Well off to get ready, I only have 20 minutes now, oops!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Day 3 & 4 of reduced Risperdal

Besides having a hard time functioning before coffee this morning I have been fine today, even cheery, but last night was a different story.

Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"

I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.

I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"

I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.

Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.

In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.

In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.

Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Risperdal tapering, problem #1

12:58AM Atlantic time

This is my first time in the atlantic time zone, very exciting if the day wasn’t so shitty

Now I am tasting the feeling of reduced risperdal when a stressor is involved. My airline has instituted a new carryon policy (the old one was bad enough) saying a person can bring one carryon onboard, and a purse counts as this carryon. There was a scary man who was yelling and in a rage, I didn't deny him boarding because I didn't think he would actually hurt me, but that didn't stop me from being afraid of him, and I was really upset for the whole flight, and had to hold back tears. I felt like I used to feel before I started Risperdal, really overwhelmed.

I have to learn how not to carry stress from past events (the scary man) or the future (future scary men) into the present. There are no scary men right now, so I shouldn’t be worried about them until it happens. I have had the habit of being anxious about events that could happen in the future. This is a lesson I learned on risperdal, and one I should carry with me as I go off of it.


Some good news is according to what I have read, there are withdrawl symptoms from going off risperdal, so maybe the level of anxiety I am experiencing is not what I will face in the future. I have rebounded from the anxiety I experienced yesterday (I write this at 1PM the next day) so maybe I have un-learned some anxiety-disorder behaviors.

Wish me luck!

I just ran!

I decided to go for a walk today because I got too lazy to go on a tourist trip. But I did some running too! I ran up a hill and walked down it 5 times. It was great! I havent been motivated to run for quite some time, I assumed it's because I am aging, but maybe it was the Risperdal!

I can see that the Risperdal, while it helped me so much, wasn't 100% good. There were some things I lost when taking it, some of my energy, my sex drive, my metabolism, and ambition.

Wow, as I type this my hands are shaking a bit, I bet that is withdrawl. Oh well, I feel like a million bucks right now!

Horray! I'm HORNY!

A great thing just happened, I was sitting in a straddle position, digging through my suitcase, and suddenly I was thinking about sex! Yes! I am an animal monkey freak! Like before! And just think this, I have only been on a half dose for 2 days! Imagine me a few weeks into having no risperdal at all! I will be a sex machine! Back to the old Diana!

Also, I watched the movie "Roll Bounce" this morning, a movie with cool little dance moves, and afterwards I jumped up in front of the mirror and started dancing! I used to do that in high school! I was thinking about how I want to become an expert in something, like something physical. I contemplated taking a hip hop dance class, but then thought of how funny that would look. I thought I should really keep up with the current dances, and then when I am 60 I can be a "dancing granny" that people hire for novelty on TV shows and at parties.

So risperdal calmed my anxiety, but it also calmed my excitement. I think it was totally worth it, it was very helpful in therapy and learning how to change my thinking, but maybe this will be good. I sure hope so.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Day one of reduced risperdal dose

Day one has gone ok so far. I was supposed to cut down to a half dose, but instead I slept with no dose, I cut the pills but forgot to take them. I woke up a few times this morning, but the upside to that is it wasn't hard to get up. I took the pills once I noticed I missed them.

I do feel different, in some ways better. I feel more tense for sure, but I also feel more emotional. When I was recounting the story about crying when the orphans were singing, I wanted to cry again. Being emotional might be uncomfortable, but the ability to cry is good, and maybe getting off risperdal will help with that.

I'm going to make an effort to try to lose weight, since risperdal makes you gain weight. I am hopeful that will be a bright spot in the sadness of losing risperdal. I am also excited to get my sex drive back! Especially with Saddiq in my life.

One thing I am concerned about is my teeth are clenching more, I am going to have to use my night guard now I think.

I have made some rules for myself to transition getting off of risperdal. I am no longer going to allow myself any "self improvement." The desire to "improve" myself just suggests I am not good enough. For now on, anytime I feel the urge to "improve" myself I am going to just say "You are good enough as you are." Then eating well, cleaning, excercising, will just be things that make me happy, gifts to myself, not dues that I have to pay to be acceptable. I am going to dedicate my time to making myself happy and healthy, helping others, practicing good morals, and taking care of myself will all make me happy and healthy, a better way to look at them than the only things that can redeem a slouch like me.

I have more on the scrap of paper I wrote this post on, but I am too tired to go on. I may update this tomorrow.

Friday, June 15, 2007

I feel afraid

One side effect of risperdal is weight gain. I have dealt with that. A weirder side effect of risperdal is lactating breasts, I freaked out a little, and then dealt with that. But a very scary side effect is called Tardive Diskinesia, which is an involuntary twitching of some muscles, which is caused by the use of antipsychotic medications (this may be where the "twitch" stereotype of mentally ill people comes from.)

I have had a twitching muscle here or there since starting risperdal, but we all get a fluttery muscle now and then. However, in the last month or so my cheek did twitch a little, and a teeny teeny muscle in my lip was twitching too. This was enough that I thougt I ought to call my psychiatrist about, but today my thumb started twitching involuntarily, at like 1 PM- its almost 10 and its still doing it. I looked up TD online today and got really scared. This could be really happening to me. I need to get off of risperdal.

Oh risperdal, sweet risperdal, it has given me my life back. I am such a nearly normal person with risperdal. I have been looking at going back to school, been excited about reading a lot of books, and have started a relationship with a very handsome man. And now I am going to lose this medication that has helped me so much. I feel so sad to have to go back to feeling like I did.

I called my psychiatrist and waited for what felt like ages for him to call back. But he did and I told him my situation. He said I should come in and see him. I mentioned that I want to get off of risperdal no matter what, because I am too afraid of TD, mixed with all the other side effects. He sounded not supportive, but delighted. He made it sound like me wanting to get off of the risperdal was a great leap in my progress. I suppose if your psychiatrist thinks its "wonderful" that you want to stop taking a medication, then it must be an okay thing to do.

I am so scared. I don't want to go back to having a record player in my head saying the same things OVER and OVER, stupid things about the house not being clean enough, me not being married, me not having a degree, and people not liking me. I dont want to hear that anymore! I want to relax and read books! I want to go for leisurely walks. I want to spend time with friends without thinking about getting home and cleaning the house!

This year and a half has tought me what it feels like to be healthy. Maybe I can recognize when my thoughts arent healthy now, and learn to ignore them, I sure hope so. And there is a lot to be excited about, like losing weight, having better memory, and maybe being more emotional. Oh, and getting more of my sex drive back, without the milky boobs.

I assume I will want to write again soon.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


I just went on a date with the man I will call Sadiq. He's so cute, so affectionate, so nice, but I am finding it hard to connect with him. He invited me up to his apartment today, but I will see him tomorrow (and I'm tired) so I decided not to go. The moment was uncomfortable, so I decided to call him and talk to him as I drove home.

It is too difficult to get him to say much. The things I can finally draw out of him arent very detailed anyway.

I am tired as fuck. I am going to bed now instead of moping.

I keep thinking about Charles, I feel as if I already married him, but I forget, he left me looking like an absolute fool for 5 months. I am holding on to something that wasn't the real thing. He claims he made a mistake and can learn from it but some mistakes you cant make if your really invested in a relationship.

I swear I wont die alone. I will find someone. Sadiq is proof. He is showing me that I can get near perfection. If I can get near perfection like him, then I am doing okay. God he is good looking.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Dear Blog,

Why dont I want to turn to you anymore? You have helped me through so much, in fact, you have helped me become the person I am right now, so why would I give up on a good thing?

Maybe it's because I want to break from the life I had before Uganda, full of lonliness and isolation. Maybe I have reached the level where I don't need the crutch of the blog to coax me into living my life. Maybe I am not-depressed enough that moments of happiness arent as few and far between, so they don't stay in my mind as much as they used to.

I also am coming out of my shell now, I don't live inside my own head as much. When I was inside my own head my writing was so good, because it was like I was able to imprint my thoughts right onto the computer, but now I have moved my life out of my brain and into my home, and am starting to live outside my home too, so there is so much more activity in my brain, so I am not as good at capturing thoughts and transferring them to the page.

I won't give up on you blog, I owe you so much. You not only have helped me work out my feelings, you are an amazing record of the life I lead. If now my life is going very well I want to return and enjoy it in the future. Just as my mom's diarys gave me a window into her mind after she died, you could give my children a window into my mind after I die. Wouldn't I want them to see the joy in my life, not just the sorrow?

I am contemplating making a public myspace that I will show to my friends and family. Maybe part of the reason I am not as into blogging is I want to connect with the people in my life the way I have with myself and the readers of this blog. I have used this blog to inspire me to live a life exciting enough to blog about, how much more inspiring would it be to try to live a life exiting enough to share with my family and friends.

I will always value you though blog, you introduced me to myself, and I am very grateful.

Friday, June 08, 2007


Oh my god!

The date went well. But more than that- it ENDED really well. Kissing him was like- oh! I kissed him for less than a minute, and I can feel panties soaking. OH MY GOD!

He is very handsome, he has written papers on womens rights and sexual orientation, and he has set birds free. He is too good to be true really. And he seems to think I am this really good person. And he thinks I am beautiful. And did I mention how he turned me on?

I am not excited, just "excited." How can I get my hopes up? Well all I am required to do is appreciate the present moment, so that is what I will do

Date tonight

I have fallen back into my old patterns. My self-esteem and energy from my trip have been sucked away by being in my house. I wonder if I hired a housekeeper just one time if it would help change the way this place feels.

I am going on a date with the man who asked me out before my online date in early may. He seems nice, smart, and very flattering. Unfortunately he is Pakistani. Racist? Xenophobic? maybe, or maybe just gunshy. I just want to be with someone who is playing with the same set of rules as I am. What happened with Charles was just the worst. Any American would know better than to do that, they also would work harder to satisfy me in bed. I am so fearful of being hurt again, in fact, I am not looking for love, I am looking for companionship.

He should be here around now. I will publish the post and check that I have everything. I just heard a car door shut. Caio

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


I'm home and a bit sad to be back to my boring, depressing life.

But I don't have to be back to my boring, depressing life. I can choose to change it.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Still Here!

(Sent to Family and Friends via e-mail)

Guess what Everyone!

I got stuck in Entebbe! I was 100% sure I would be able to get on, and I didn't! A mechanic for Air Canada was trying to get on too, and we chatted, he told me his wife and him were starting a resort and I said "I will stay there tonight" come to find out it isn't finished yet, and they arent charging me! They are both really cool and I love their kids and pets. The resort is amazing! I am having so much fun!

The day before yesterday I went to the Botanical Gardens in Entebbe. After I paid and walked in a man came after me and told me he was a volunteer tour guide for the garden. I was pleased to have someone explain things to me, and he did. I got to eat cinnamon bark right off the tree and videotape large shy monkeys. It was great. At the end of the walk the man told me that it is customary for me to pay him. I said "how much?" he said "only 10,000 shillings (like $6) I gave him 2,000 shillings (it cost 3,000 only to get into the park) and he said "no thats not enough." I told him no, since he didn't tell me at the beginning. maybe I should heve continued to be a volunteer tour guide at the Walker, and at the end inform everyone that they had to give me $15.

I am hoping that I, and my new friend John will be able to leave here on the next flight to London, on the 2nd. If not, I will see you all in a week or so!