You cant make this stuff up

I am sure there is at least one person who thinks my blog is made up. If I read my blog, or my life story, I would think that it was made up.

Mitch, the 64 year old man who I had sex with in Baltimore, is applying to become a priest.

He read me his essay.

I don't know what to say, except if he is ordained, I will have the privledge of saying I had sex with a priest (by choice)

You cant make this stuff up

I love it when I screw up!

Isn't it great when you think you have to be ready at a certian time, then you realize you had the time wrong, and you get a free hour? That happened to me today, and fortunately I figured it out now that I am awake with coffee in me, instead of when I was in bed, with control over the snooze button.

It's been quite a week. As you know I got a cold and took work off. Well during that time, Mitch sent me flowers and had been texting me and calling me every day since our encounter. He was saying he had feelings for me. I will be honest, I have feelings for him too, but not so much that I would go through the difficulty of dating someone so much older. I felt really sad when I was on my way home from baltiomore, but then I imagined what it would be like to date or marry him, all the stares and judgement and health problems, it brought me back to reality.

Well Mitch hadn't come back to reality yet. And I felt really crowded by our constant contact. Twice, when I forgot to call him (yes we were talking about intense stuff) he guilt tripped me, the first time pissed me off, the second time I told him I need about a 3 week break (I think he needs it more than I do, to get back into reality.) Believe it or not I miss him, but I prefer my space.

During this time I adopted 29 babies- we got a fish tank! I have been OBSESSED with it. It is pretty much stabilized now, but I have done SO MUCH work on it. Juan would do more, he has a lot of aquarium experience, but he has been working on a lot of accounts, and I was not willing to wait. I couldn't relax until the aquarium was healthy for the fish. I have a lot to write about there.

Also during this time I think my neighbor and I made a truce. His ex-girlfriend says he has worked to cut down on his drinking. I do miss him I guess, well, I miss the OLD him, the weird him that was coming out later on I dont miss.

Anything else happen in this very full week? Oh yeah, Wheelchair dude. We went to a concert. He has stopped being weird, he has given me my space. We had fun, him, me, and his 24 year old gay nurse, it was a good time. We went to a concert, and the music was NOT MY STYLE, so that wasnt a good time, but the banter and hanging out was fun. I'm glad. I think having a friend so different from me would help me grow into a better person, and teach me a lot. And of course I think I have a lot to give to a disabled person as a friend, by just acting normal. I know that not everyone is able to do this.

So what a week! And now I am back to work...Speaking of, I better start getting ready, I had SOME extra time, but not that much!

I wish I was 50 instead of 30

I'm going to call 64 year old 60 year old "Mitch." He just had flowers delivered.

He's so sweet. I have such a crush on him, but this is NOT NORMAL! I guess this is why normal 30 year olds don't sleep with 64 year olds.

Amongst the Living

It's 5 to 9 in the morning, and I am awake, and human. I am so glad I trusted my instincts and just let myself sleep, I slept for nearly 2 days straight, with only small breaks in between.

I was going to call in sick last night, but now there is no reason for it. It will suck to have a stuffy head on the airplane, but if that happens I can just go home after the first turn.

I talked to 60 year old last night, he is really a sweetheart. Of all people to have my fantasy with, he was the right choice. He DESERVES it, as I think I do.

I came to a realization this morning regarding 60 year old, there is absolutely no-one on this planet that I can tell about this! Just my blog! I don't have a single friend or family member that I think wouldn't be shocked by it. I guess I wouldn't want my friends or family members knowing much about my sex life, but at least I have friends I can tell about most guys I sleep with.

I wonder if it's a blessing or a curse that I have been comatose the last few days. I missed out on any lonliness or confusion (there is no shame) but maybe I also missed out on the afterglow of having great sex! That feeling of having so much energy, that you can do anything. I guess I'll never know.

My Baltimore Adventure

My trip to Baltimore consisted of two parts. The first part, family time, and the second part 60 yr old man time.

I learned that my aunt and uncle are seperated. They had some problems before so I wasn't surprised, but it seems so unneccesary to me. They were married 30 years, so I don't want to judge. My uncle, very maturely, said "who says a marriage has to last forever to be a success? We had 30 years together, we grew alot, we raised 2 great kids, I say it was a success" All that matters to me is my aunt remains my aunt, and that no-one gets unneccesarily hurt.

Spending time with my cousin was great, we laughed alot, and found a flattering bridesmaid dress (although I am angry to learn I am size 18!) It was great bonding with all of them, I look forward to seeing them again soon.

The second half of the trip was my time with 60 year old, who it turns out is 64. It was such an interesting experience, though there is a little after-effects that I didn't expect.

He picked me up at my aunt's house, and he was wearing awful dark glasses that made him look creepy. I think he thought they would make him look younger, but instead they made him look like an old man who can't be trusted. I could tell my aunt was not impressed.

We got lost searching for the hotel. Then it took us a long time to get to the inner harbor, it was after 2 and we hadn't eaten yet. We stopped at a sushi place and then headed to the baltimore aquarium. The aquarium wasn't as great as I remember it being, but I think that's partially because I was so tense from my aunt seeing him, getting lost, being late, and people looking at us, wondering what we were about (he is a 64 year old Chinese man, there is no way he could pass as a dad.) I will say though, the octupus was awake and active, so that was worth the price of the ticket right there. We left before seeing the dolphins or Australian exhibit. I do regret that I guess, but I was just tired and overstimulated from the week.

We got on the wrong train, so we had to get off at another stop. He suggested getting a beer while we waited for a cab, I hated the idea, but there was a restaurant, and once we arrived, everything was calm.

The place was completely empty, and it was small so you could hear the rap music coming from the back room. We ordered a bottle of wine, but the guys were fumbling around with it for what seemed like 20 minutes. The food was good, and the wine helped. You could tell the guys in the back were very intrigued with our arrangement.

We took a cab back to the hotel, and the cab driver was even more intrigued. He even said "your a nice couple" which was funny to me. We got in the hotel room and started kissing immediately. He is a very nice kisser, and his mouth tasted the way raw pumpkins smell.

The sex was really great, some of the best ever. And one thing I want to say is, any feelings that a 64 year old is not sexy, because he or she has wrinkly skin, is self-hating. We will all have wrinkled skin one day, and it didn't look or feel bad, it just felt a little softer & looser than my skin. A sixty year old person is still a sexual person, they are just like they were when they were young, just with more life experience, and more aches and pains.

In fact, in the hotel room, we could fall in love. We were really in touch with each other, and it was really relaxing and fun. The only problem is the after effects. You shouldn't get an emotional attachment to someone that you could never have a normal future with.

I know I felt a little lonely the next day, and he said he was more fond of me than he expected. He suggested us taking a vacation to mexico or something, and I think that is a nice idea, but I don't want one of us to fall in love, because it can't end well.

And yes, I am including myself in that category of not wanting to fall in love. Even if he was 30 years old he is still catholic and republican, but I enjoyed him. He is very cute, though I dont think we have enough in common to have a real relationship.

I know now he is having a lot of catholic guilt, on my behalf as well. He thinks that my sexual history is bad, and though I would make different choices if I lived my life over, I am not ashamed of anything I have done, except when someone's feelings were hurt. I think his feelings are coming from a good place, a protective place.

So I had my older man fantasy, and although it wasn't exactly what I had in my head, it taught me alot. One thing it taught me is that I have a long sexual life ahead of me, and that makes me very happy. I also felt very beautiful, extremely beautiful, even with my chubby body and pale skin. I think feeling beautiful is the core of this fantasy, and it worked. Too bad I feel too stuffed up and tired to bask in the afterglow.

Fantasy and Curiosity

I have acted out a number of my sexual fantasies before. Most of the time the fantasy was better than reality. I think that in most cases, unless it's with your long-term partner, fantasies are best left as fantasies.

My older man fantasy was going to remain that way, I was never going to go out looking for it, but "60 year old" presented himself, and this is one fantasy that can only be fulfilled as a young woman, because the whole appeal of the fantasy is the power dynamic between a younger beautiful woman, and an older, more dominant man. I can be with an old man when I'm old, but at that point the dynamic will be different, so it can only be fulfilled when I am young, (and I wont be considered young for very much longer!)

As I have written before, I have a genuine crush on 60 year old. He has a very peaceful aura around him, much like Charles. I addressed the Multi level marketing scheme he is involved with, and it turns out he is only wasting $25 a month, and he signed up to help his friend. I don't agree with it, but I don't think he's a sucker, like I thought before. We have chatted on the phone now twice, and while I am over the idea of a relationship (he's a republican, Catholic, and did I mention SIXTY???) I still would want to fulfill my older man fantasy with him.

I brought it up last night, I asked him if he was morally against sex without love, and he said "I do not have casual sex" I took this as him being unwilling, but then he said some other things that made me think I sparked his interest. Then, today, I worded it differently. I told him about my fantasy, but pointed out that I wouldn't go out looking for it, and I wouldn't want to be tempting him into something that felt immoral to him. He sounded intrigued, and pleased, but I am not certian it will happen. I think if it does happen, he is a good person for it to happen with. I think that if I were older, I would really want to date him, even though he is Republican.

One fantasy that wont be happening is with a guy in a wheelchair. OK, that's never been a fantasy, more of a curiosity of what it would be like. It started when I was studying Physical Therapy, I wondered "what would I do if a client liked me?" at the time I think I was too uncomfortable with myself to consider dating someone in a wheelchair, but as I have aged and become wiser to what matters, I can say if I could find what I am looking for in a man, and his penis worked, I could happily fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair. Isn't that funny? A working penis is more important to me than working legs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I met the wheelchair guy yesterday. He was better than I expected personality wise, but not attractive to me at all. He has Muscular Dystrophy, and he is very skinny, cant move his hands, and has a ventilator in his neck. His personality was not what I want really anyway, he talked about himself too much, but even if he had that buddha like personality that I want, I don't think I would want to go forward with it. I learned from my relationship with Charles that sex and sexual attraction is very high in importance, so I couldn't go forward with it, even if his personality was what I am looking for.

30 year old woman rejected by a 60 year old man- HA!

You heard me right. My 60 year old does not want sex with a woman half his age. What has the world come to?

I probably wont follow through with this fantasy, because I think what was attractive about this man was his sweetness and his sweetness is probably the reason he doesn't have casual sex. Probably the older guys who would want to have sex with me would not deserve me. I'll live.

End of the 60 year old crush- thank god

This whole 60 year old crush thing has been terribly confusing to me, fortunately he gave me a reason to not have a crush anymore. It seems he is falling for a multi-level-marketing scheme. I think if you can fall for those, you don't think in the same way I do.

I sent him a message telling him my opinion about MLM, he said that he feels there was a reason we met, maybe this is part of it. He has told me about CASA, and now I have been able to help him (hopefully) too.

Now instead of a strange, taboo relationship, we can have a normal, beneficial friendship. Maybe I will fulfill my older man fantasy, but if so I will do it in the context of a "torrid affair" not a relationship. Still a little kinky, but much more normal.

This 60 year old thing is going TOO FAR!

I just got another e-mail from my 60 year old. He sent me a picture. He looks adorable, and 60. He's wearing 60 year old person's clothes and 60 year old person's sunglasses. Yet, I find myself crushing on him still.

One thing that should stop me, since (for some REDICULOUS reason) the fact that he IS SIXTY hasn't stopped me, is he is Catholic. Catholics end up with Catholics in the end and I would never, ever, convert to Catholicism. Maybe I would try to, but the priest would see right through me. He (never she) would know I wasn't one of them by the look in my eyes when he'd say "Jesus is good- all other religions ARE DOOMED TO HELL! FEAR GOD! FEAR JESUS! FEAR ME! BWAH HA HA HA!" (<----thats the sort of thing that Catholic priests say, right?)

And of course, there is the sex thing, but he used to teach martial arts, so he could be in good enough shape that it still works (and that he is healthy enough that he could get "medical assistance" if necessary) And I have been reading about it, and it seems that men that age still have sex (and did you know that women just get more and more horny as they age??? Poor me! I will be a monster!) But again, he is Catholic, so even if it works, he might not believe in using it.

But those rational arguements aside, I just think- well duh!- that it is peculiar that I have a crush on such an old-ass guy. So what could the reason be? The first one is very easy- "Daddy Issues" I got 'em. I have lost a father figure in my life, because my dad's depression and anxiety have led him to bad choices, so he is not a role-model to me, and our strong bond broke during the 13 years he was constantly drunk. My crush appears to be responsible and healthy- a perfect father figure.

This leads to issue number 2- security. He is 60 years old, he is fully formed. I don't have to wonder if he will end up a screw up, I think "what you see is what you get" with someone at that age. He has his life together, so I would not have to go through the phase where we eat ramen noodles while we struggle and work too many hours to pay the mortgage for the too-big house we bought and are now stuck with because the market is so bad. Also, naively, I feel that he'd be less likely to cheat on me, but that has more to do with his personality than his age...he just seems to be a warm, kind person.

And then there is reason number 3...I am too damn old for my age. I am a fucking weirdo. Remember New-York-Name-Dropper-Man? Well I was 24 and he turned out to be 49 (lied and said he was 42) He was the first time I had entertained the idea of an older man, I just felt a connection with him that I had never felt with a man of my age. I felt like he understood me. I have had a weird life, so how can I find someone who understands me? Someone a little older has had more experiences, and hopefully more wisdom. And the demeanor that my crush has, appears wise.

Oh, and reason number 4. I'm lonely, and I felt nice when I talked to him. You know who else I felt nice when I talked to him? Charles. They both have "The Buddha Nature" it's this calm, serene thing that puts me at ease. (And I know it's weird, but I got turned on when my crush was asking me out! WEIRD!)

Funny thing is, I don't think my friends would judge me. I think they would say "Thats Diana for you" and discuss it behind my back (thats what we do, but not in a bad way.) They have already said they picture me ending up with an older man, but when they said "older" I dont think they meant "older than our fathers"

If I am not thinking about my age, I am just getting such a crush. We will see each other at the beginning of November, so I can see how the people stare, and see if I have the guts to deal with it. My question is...why doesn't he think it's weird???

I got some tounge action today

Gosh! I don't post anymore, and when I do, I just dont give the rediculous detail that I used to. What's the deal with that? There are bigger things for me to be worried about, but I still wish I was writing more about my silly life, it's so fun to read about it later on and say "no way was that my life!"

Today Juan took me to a babtism party, wow, come to think of it, it was his neice. Well remember, Juan is Mexican, so this party was middle class Mexicans, and Mexicans speak...Spanish.

Yup, I spent hours at a party listening to people speaking Spanish. This is what it sounded like to me "weekend"..."then"..."yes"..."D.F."..."grandfather" and so on, and so on. I was impressed with the amount I could understand, but it wasn't enough for me to enjoy myself.

Right away when we arrived I met the Argentine sister of a man I met at a networking party the other night (where everyone spoke english except the nervous white guy trying to impress everyone with his Spanish.) She seemed to not like me, but she was speaking in english (as a courtesy to me) and she was discussing the fact that she has Lupus. She left early and I wonder if she just has a hard time of things in general, and that it wasn't personal.

After speaking with Juan and the Argentine woman for awhile I was so cold that I decided to go buy a sweater. Yes, I realize this is weird, but in the middle of October I didn't know we would be having the party OUTDOORS! I returned back with an adorable white cable knit sweater that I got for $6 at Saver's and Juan brought me to the food, he told me I should start with Menudo, a soup, to warm up.

The lovely mother of the babtised child started dishing up the soup for me, and instead of giving me lots of broth, she gave me lots of meat, I could tell from where I was standing, I did not want this meat...I looked closely at the heavy bowl and saw sticking out of the broth BONE MARROW AND TOUNGE!!!

I was very mad at Juan at this point. He knew from a trip to a taco store that I am not brave enough to eat tounge. He could have warned me, so I could just take some broth. But he didn't, so here I was, with this bowl FILLED with tounge, about to look extremely rude.

I sipped the broth, which tasted awful by the way, LIKE TOUNGE, and tried to wash away the taste with chips, lime, onions and cilantro. After 10 minutes I whispered in Juan's ear that he had to trade soups with me so I didn't look rude. He did eventually, but his cousin saw it. I had some chicken tacos afterward which were good.

I listened to more Spanish conversation, and watched 6 kids jumping and roughhousing on a trampoline with 4 springs gone. I cringed as I imagined all of the potential spinal damage that could happen to those children, but I also cringed at the fact that these children are active, and have fun, where my children will be under my anxious thumb, always worrying about them getting hurt.

The kids were very cute. There was one game where the adults threw quarters in the air, and the kids all chased after them. One boy hurt his hand and was crying, and a little boy gave him his quarter. I was watching them, thinking, "what a group of nice kids" and then an older kid started chasing after a younger one, trying to get his money. Oh well, what a group of MOSTLY nice kids.

Later the pinata was put on a string. And the kids got in a circle around it, while an uncle waved it above one child's head, who tryed to hit it with a stick. The group chanted a cute little song that everyone knew, and when the song was over, someone else took a turn. I asked what the chant meant, and a woman said "hit the pinata or we will hit you in the head" I looked online for the chant, and didn't find that, so I will have to double check with Juan.

I got too impatient to wait for the cake. It was 8 at night and we were STILL outside! I left and Juan walked me to the car. He said people probably didn't realize I don't speak spanish. I was just happy to leave. It wasn't torture, but I really didn't have any fun. I felt excluded.

I spent a few hours at Target, TJMaxx, Famous Footwear and Kohl's. I got a sweater jacket for only $22, I was so excited, and though I found some knee high boots for $22, I decided man-made might look cheap, and it's easy to look cheap in knee high boots, so I decided to pass until I find a better pair.

I got home and wrote an e-mail to the 60 year old. You know what's embarrassing? Stupidly, I have this crush on him. But I am obviously forgetting that we would look WEIRD together, and his penis is probably tiny (he is a short Chinese man) and probably stopped working 15 years ago! Not to mention, I would get frustrated by his old person habits, and he would find me immature. He just had a nice smile, and seemed/seems so smitten. I guess thats what I want, someone responsible & mature, with a nice smile, who is smitten with me...AND has a LARGE, HARD penis. And after all of this, once again, can I remind you Diana, YOU WOULD LOOK REALLY WEIRD TOGETHER!

Now it's nearly one and I'm not tired at all. I had 2 cups of coffee at the party, because it was OUTDOORS IN OCTOBER! So now what? I dont know. I certianly am not going to clean.

Italian Stallions & Sugar Daddies

I have the hots for Italian Guido types. Have I ever gone down that road? No. Am I allowed to use a pejorative term like Guido when I am middle class and not Italian? Probably not. But I think racism towards a white person is a little more forgivable so please let me get on with being really objectifying...

Those big, muscular, dumb as a board types...make me melt. What is weird is the ghetto black man, pretty much the same in every way, doesn't appeal to me. But those Italian stereotype guys. UH! God they make me horny!

I have been looking at Craigslist again, but it's just for fun. I'm not going to have any one night stands with strangers. But OH BOY! There is this man on Craigslist, he is requesting a no strings attached hook up! He is just there, asking for sex! Its not like he is on the plane, and I would have to flirt with him and try to show I was interested and wait for him to invite me out, no- he is there- easy to get- requesting sex!

Isn't this like having cookies or potato chips in the house? You know they aren't good for you, but you have them anyway, because they are there and they are SO GOOD!

Maybe I should contact him. He is a sexy young buck. I should have more memories of sexy young bucks in my head, for when I get older. Who knows.

Speaking of age differences, I have an older man fantasy that I am planning to follow through with if given a good opportunity. The fantasy involves being young and pretty, and being with an older, but powerful and dominant man. I want to follow through with it because I can only do it when I am young. When I am an older woman with an older man it will be a different dynamic, so I know my time is limited.

Funny thing is, I may have met someone to have this fantasy with. This cute little asian man, probably in his late 50's chatted with me during the flight and late in the flight said "I am very taken by you" and invited me to coffee.

We exchanged e-mail addresses and I can't believe I am saying this, but I was genuinely attracted to him! It was his smile, his confidence (An old-ass man like that thinking he has a chance with a woman half his age???) and his approach were all appealing to me. He seemed like a shy boy as he asked me, and it made me feel special to hear "I find myself taken by you."

Now heres the thing...if you are going to go into that murky territory...older man, younger woman territory...you better have a plan. I think it is a natural move for an older man to want to give material things to compensate for his age, and I think it's a natural move for a...well...human being, to want to get material things. But if you don't have a set of standards, you are at risk of becoming basically a prostitute, let's face it. I am not saying I am opposed to prostitution in all cases, I just personally don't want to be one.

For one there has to be genuine attraction and enjoyment of eachothers company. If you think he is fat and gross, or hate his jokes, but pretend to like them because he gives you stuff, that is exchanging sex for money.

I think gifts & cash are inappropriate, but things like fancy dinners, or activities are appropriate, because they are shared experiences. Gifts like lingere count as a shared experience too, because both people get to enjoy them. I guess jewelry counts too. Ha ha. Just kidding.

Another important boundary is that the power dynamic must be equal. If the woman (or should I say less financially endowed person) has opinions, preferences, limits, these must be respected as in any relationship. And lastly, as always, dating a married person is never, ever, in any circumstances, okay.

This man was on his way to a Catholic retreat, so any kinky ideas I have may be compeletly in my head, never to happen. But that is okay. I was touched by the way he approached me and if I instead have coffee with a smiling man who says I have "something about me" that is pretty cool too. (And a little less taboo)

Hey- don't judge me!- It's not like I invite Italian strangers to my house for adult activities! Even though I want to.