Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I don't care if I bond with my family

The family is talking about politics & Africa, all things I have plenty to say about, but when I spoke up with a very good point about corporal punishment and my uncle who is from out of town just spoke right over me, without a "oh, sorry, what were you saying?"

I just walked off, not dramatically, subtly. Its my own fault, I am smart & talented, but who will know unless I assert it. i just don't care enough. I don't care enough, even if it means not bonding with my family. Even if it means excluding myself to "scan pictures" I just cant take it right now I guess. I am not severely depressed, but I am mildly depressed.

The funeral is tomorrow, I hope the crying will soften me up. I don't know where this anger comes from, but it's there. And screw my uncle for being so dismissive. Yes, he lived with my mom when I was a child, but I am older than my cousins he is having an intelligent conversation with, so fuck him. Sadly, i am going to hold a grudge about what could easily be an ADD type of mistake.

I probably know more about what they are talking about than all but one of them! GRRRRRRRRRRR

Friday, December 26, 2008

Grandpa Died

I can't write the post now, I guess. I got my wish, both my wishes...I got to be there, and he got to die soon. I was going to drive home, but a voice kept telling me "You know you are too tired to drive- what are you doing? You need to turn around" And I did. I laid in bed, and 2 hours later he was gone.

Grandma was listening. She came and helped him out of his body.

It doesn't matter that I am not Christian, he was a congregationalist minister, he is going to heaven to be with his wife and my mom. I don't believe it, but he did, so I believe it for him. Even if there was no heaven, there would become one, for him. He deserves it.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

My Grandpa is Dying

Last night, Christmas eve, I was wrapping presents alone at my aunt's house in the north of my state, while the rest of the family was at church. The phone rang, but I decided not to answer it, I figured it wouldn't be for me, and if it was, they would call my phone or I could hear them leaving the message.

My aunt came home, and said "grandpa is having trouble breathing." and hugged me hard. We packed into the car, and I cried silently.

When we got there, I wasn't sure of where he was, or how lucid he would be, but I could tell things would be bad when I started hearing loud gurgling sounds like a walrus coming from room 575. I stood outside and hugged the gathered aunts and uncles, and was told grandpa was saying my name. I came in, held his hand. Said hello to him, and that I was sorry that he felt rotten. I told him I loved him, and that if he wanted to die I understand. I sat with him, and held his hand, and at one point realized my 17 year old cousin hadn't had a chance with him. After an hour maybe I decided I wanted to tell him to look after my mom. I knew it might be my last chance. It wasn't.

It happened for hours and hours. Grandpa would doze for 30 seconds, then choke and panic for 2 minutes or so. Someone holding his clenched, bruised hands would be comforting him, telling him he is in the hospital, or that he should look for the angels. Over time, my uncle said something very reasonable "I don't think he is going anywhere yet" he is strong, and his skin is warm and has color. He has pnemonia right now and can't sleep because of it. He is really drugged up, and he had a stroke, so he might have lost some of his logic. Everyone chatted about it and agreed, the nurse had just gotten on her shift, and may have misinterpreted his symptoms as being the end. My aunt set up a schedule where the family sits in 2 hour shifts with him, and all but one of us went home.

I went to my shift this afternoon, Christmas. On the way there, I listened to a Buddhist tape set I bought at a garage sale. Shortly before exiting the car, the tape said "to truly love someone, even when they are suffering, is to simply be present with them." Perfect.

He was so much better than the night before. He was resting for 30 seconds and awake for 30 seconds, and panicking much less. He got a nebulizer treatment, and a new medication, so he seemed better at least, not good, but better. He would hold eye contact with me, and at one point I could very clearly hear him say "I love you so much" which the nurse said she heard too. I reminded him over and over that he didn't need to ask God to take him. I told him he would take him, and all he needs to do is rest. I reminded him that the pain he is in is temporary, and that he will either heal from the pnemonia, or be free from this life, so one way or another, this is temporary.

Now I am in a selfish place. I am proud to say that I am not being so selfish that I want him to live, but I am selfish enough that I want him to live for another week, so I can be there when he dies. How can I want that? He may live. He may live for months. But how can I prefer he lives 6 more days? How can I wish that for him? I really want this to end for him. Soon. I just don't want to be seperate from the family when it happens.

When I left the hospital, I felt really happy and alive. I really felt peaceful and connected to him. he looked deep into my eyes. I swear he said he loved me. I really felt like he understood that his family was by his side, loving him. I really felt that he approved of me. He said it before, even though I am just a flight attendant, he was proud of me. He was proud of my volunteer work. He was proud of me sponsoring an orphan with the money that was supposed to be my Mother's, but he let me have instead. He approved, and now I can show him how much I love him, and he knows.

I suppose I should leave tonight with the expectation he will die this week. Maybe with the hope that he will. I would love it if I could chat with him in 2 weeks and learn how this experience went for him, but even that, could mean that he would have to go through some trauma again. I know how it is to have a flu. I know how it is to be in bed on vicodin, in a daze. I had such an awful night the other week when I had phlegm in my throat and woke up every hour. How could it be waking up every minute?!?!?!?

I should get to packing, I am going to take a 12-2 shift, then driving 3 hours in the dark and dangerous cold. I need to get home for work, so I will do it. I think I can let go of my selfish wish. I can hope this is goodbye. Please let this be goodbye.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A one day love affair

Ok, so I enjoyed one day of feeling all in love with Toronto Jackass guy. Good for him! He managed to NOT be a jackass- twice!

The next day, I was over his ass. I had written "go to sleep" to him, and he hung up instead of saying "ok, ok" or anything. Perhaps he didn't see my message, that is the most minor of possibilities, and frankly, it wouldn't matter, the spell is broken.

I have online chatted with him twice more this week, and he is just- dumb. He sent me a weird video game, and I sent him a silly link with a dog licking the screen. He said it was ridiculous, I said "and cute." I said "admit it, you giggled." he said "I dont understand people who like to look at pictures of pets." I said "ok, dont admit it, but I know." and his response was "Im going to sleep." and hung up.

Behavior like that is how he got the name "Toronto Jackass Musician" and eventually I got sick of his ass and deleted my windows messenger program. He is not a charming man. He is great looking, and I like his music, but dude does not have a great personality. Its interesting...his EP is titled with a term similar to "I am negative." Appropriate.

I dont know what to do now. I have all these overnights there, and plans to see him, but who even wants to? Sheesh he knows how to make me feel like shit, and I should be immune, because its not like this is the first time!

Oh well, I got to feel ultra-infatuated for one day. It was nice.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Chatted to Jackass Toronto guy

Yeah. A few weeks ago I sent him an email saying he will never get a girl without ulterior motives if he doesnt act like something besides a jackass (paraphrasing) I decided I was sick of his fucking with my mind, and I was done. Of course I knew I wasn't done. But I did know I wasn't going to contact him again. The ball was in his court, and I have given him enough chances. He needed to contact me. Period.

He did. And better, we actually chatted. I suppose we used to chat back in the day, but I got so sick of him hanging up without saying he was leaving, that I removed windows messenger from my computer 100%

I cant remember what happened next- oh yeah. He put my name in a song. I hate to be cliche, but it softened me up.

Fast forward, he finally acted 10% normal and had a conversation with me, saying he wanted more than just to sleep with me. I was willing to go for it, as in try to get to know him better- but he would barely give me the time of day. I realize he was finishing his album, but I am a patient person, he blew it. I decided to send him a letter, to maybe help him with future girls, and to kind of write it in stone for myself that I was fed up. You know? Like to draw an end line.

But again, I knew it wasn't an end line yet. I felt it coming, but some dumb thing in me wasn't done with it just yet. I actually was doing well, not even thinking of him, but then an update on the album showed up on facebook, and I swear to bob, I LOVE his music (myspace was how we "met") and I do want to buy the album, even if he never knows or if we never speak.

And yes, I was sending psychic messages to him to write me. Ha ha. But yeah, he finally did. And finally acted "normal" (in quotes for a reason) and now I feel like I am in fucking love.

You know what...I am going for it. I can tell it might be a mistake, but I feel something. I think I operate on logic a little too much in the relationship game. I find a flaw, and I say "I couldnt marry him." I think I need a boyfriend, not a fiance. It's a dangerous game to let yourself fall for someone who may not last the whole nine yards, but I am doing something wrong in my life, so I think I need to try new things.

More updates as they come.


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dear Facebook Friend

When playing stupid, useless, facebook games, and the quiz asks you if you think your friend is happy, you say YES! It's not ANONYMOUS! Now I have to walk around knowing you don't think I am happy! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? SAYING I'M NOT HAPPY!


Note to self...

A woman as boy crazy as me should really make it a priority to get in shape.

My lord. The world is full of sexy, SEXAY men. I mean, come on. I don't have to partake, but if I get & maintain a great body, I have the availability of many, many men until I take the plunge and get married, and I am sure after our inevitable divorce ;)

You know, quite honestly, weight gain saved me a little. I used to be a little out of control. It's hard to resist temptation, especially when it involves people you work with, people you care about (or hate) and any other inappropriate people who might look appealing during lonely/boring/drunk/convenient times.

Im a big girl now though. I am smart & strong enough to resist temptation. Its time to get back into comfortable skin! 4 days and I can start working out again!

Friday, December 12, 2008


I am up at 3AM, wearing a tight red t-shirt that says "knowledge" but might as well as say "knockers" and was listening to the music of the mind-fucker in Toronto. I was shaking my head, feeling unsatisfied, and not sure why. Is it my job? My love life? If something needs to change, how should I change it?

What about men? What the hell. I see the ads on the side of facebook with a hot guy that I know is supposed to lure me to the site, and I think they all look like they are asses. I look at pictures of fat, lonely guys, and I think they look like clingy bloodsuckers. I am not coming from a positive, open place when it comes to men.

I thought about the Toronto man, and how annoyed by his mind-fucking I have been. Fortunately, he has hardly been on my mind at all for ages. He IMmed me one day, and everything was really clear communication. He said he thought I was mean, and really seemed to come out and say that he "likes" me, not just wants to sleep with me. I was open to it, really. I want someone in my life (maybe) and he is great looking and creative. But shortly after, I was IMing with him (barely) and suggested he call me. He didn't, nor did he suggest I call him. I soon made an excuse and signed out. Soon after I wrote him a really constructive letter, saying no girl would want him if he acted that way unless they had ulterior motives. I wont contact him again. Sadly, I am sure he will contact me again, and the tiring, endless, useless game will go on.

In the end, I sense he likes a little drama. Keeps the artistic juices flowing. It isn't me he likes, but the idea he has created with the little snippits of me he has seen, and if he were to actually make an effort it would A) require effort and B) reveal that I am actually a bit stable, and in turn=boring. I admit it. I dont have to be boring just to be stable, but I am both.

I thought about it- DAMN, I am 31. I am with it, damn it. I am a fucking ADULT. I am too old for crap. I have a new suggestion: if you are a woman over 30 and not a dumb ass. Stop looking. You had your chance to get married when you were young and impressionable. Once you have a vision in your head of how the world is, and how you want your life to be, you are too smart to fantasize into believing a anyone will give you what you need from a relationship.

CASE IN POINT: I thought about my mom. She had me when she was 25, so at 31, I was 6. I thought of what her life must have been like when she was my age, then I remembered, she knows plenty about dumb-ass men. She married my dad. I am happy to say I remember one example of a good boyfriend (who is now a state congressman- a good one! and has been for years) but she knows as much as I do about rediculous men. Well, almost as much. I got to see what happens when you die, and your child is left to be raised by one.

I really realized after having my tonsils removed, I am really lonely. I would love to have a family, or at least someone to give a shit about me when I had surgery. My dad really sucked at taking care of me. I asked him to be in charge of my medicine. Not surprisingly, I did that, despite being completely out of it from anesthesia. I sent him a link about the stages of my recovery to print for my grandma, I doubt he even read it. I even filled my own humidifier, even though I wasnt supposed to be bending. It hurt. I was dumb enough to think I would be taken care of this week. What a dummy. I am home now, and my roommate is a sweetheart, who certianly cares, but I am good enough now to look after myself. My friends offered to drop in, but I was in the suburbs when they did. I will see them in a few days, but I just would have loved to have a parent on those first few days. I wasn't helpless, damn it I am never helpless. I just wished I could have been. Just rested, let someone else do the thinking for that one day when my body was sliced open.

Speaking of...crying usually feels good. I treasure it when it comes, but right now, it hurts. It is stretching out my throat. I dont know if I should try to stop, or just put up with the pain in my throat.

Even when I do find someone, I need to get closer to my friends again. I have just become to shy with myself. I only want to see people when I have it together, when I'm not crabby or dense or mopey or exausted. I loved being in India with all of those people living together. You annoyed? Well too bad, you are surrounded by people, so get over your mood or we will make it worse. And what happens? You eventually forget what you are annoyed about (some of the time) and you arent alone.

This post wasnt supposed to be about my dad, but it is going there. What am I supposed to do with him when he ages? I can't fucking stand him. For some time I thought I would take care of him, but how? Hes so negative and bitchy. Hes so- stupid (and stubborn about it.) Aha! And I just figured something out...he probably thinks he is smarter than everyone, which makes him even more useless. "Common sense" is for commoners, right?

Uh. OK, that was a pretty good cry for a girl with part of her throat missing. Enough of this.

Sad not to have my ma. It would be good to have her on nights like these.

Oh...and can a person get vicodin withdrawl after only 11 days?