Saturday, May 13, 2006

A test...passed

Oh boy I don't have time to do justice to this evening. I would love to go on in effusive detail about every moment and interaction, but I have my first homebuyer's class early tomorrow morning.

Today was Charles' friend Christopher's PhD graduation. It was the first big test of how we could fit into eachother's lives. I survived!!! Yes, I did have a moment of sitting meekly on the couch at the party, talking to no-one, but besides that short setback, I chatted with people, even the women, and had more valid conversations than just the polite smiles and nods that people feel obliged to offer everyone. Apparently someone commented on my good personality to Charles. I was so flattered.

I will say quickly, at the event after the graduation, there was a huge Kenyan feast. After that Charles acted as an MC of sorts, and people stood up and spoke about Christopher, perseverence, and stuff like that. Christopher even gave a speech. There was an annoying American guy that had too many drinks and would not stop talking, but Charles and Christopher were so gracious to him.

So far the Kenyans I have met are the most phenomenal people. There were more brains and more dedication in that room than you would find on ten American city blocks. They also have been so kind. I have yet to get a dirty or suspicious look from anyone. Tonight people (especially Isabella, Christopher's on and off girlfriend) really were kind to me and did not exclude me (any more than you would any newcomer.)

Charles was happy with how things turned out too. It was a great night.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I get it now!!!

I binge ate 3 cookies and about six cups of popcorn, all because my roommate has been grating on my mind. I just can't stand something about her, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but I figured it out today...she hasn't had her quarter-life crisis yet!

You all know what the quarter life crisis work your ass off and get loans up the wazoo, all for the final payoff, the jobs you will get to choose from the day you graduate. But when you get searching for the $40,000 a year entry level position you can't find a thing in your field, and the only job you end finding is a administrative assistant position at a humidifier manufacturer. So you stay at the waitressing job that you had during school, because it pays more.

Tera has spent the last few years of her life traveling the world, living in South Africa, Switzerland, and India. This year, at 26 she started studying Global Studies at a community college, when she graduates she will have a job waiting for her that will pay enough for her to maintain her Aveda shampoo/MAC cosmetics/BMW lifestyle.

She is still living in paradise, the time when you feel like the world is open to you, all you have to do is give your best, and it will embrace and congratulate you. And I am here with my feet on the ground, in the much less nurturing real-world. The chasm between our realities inspires more than just envy, it also leaves me frustrated and resentful. She will make a statement about which I assume I am supposed to applaud. When I instead offer up a more down-to-earth or balanced perspective, she seems to react as if I am not someone with a more grown-up perspective, but someone who the world is not going to be handed to on a platter (maybe because of my not-easy answer thinking.)

Then, as a weird contrast to this enthusiasm, is a surprising pessimism. The world just sucks. When I offer up, again, my a little older perspective that yes, the world sucks, so we have to do what we can to make it a better place, and be happy for the good things that exist. When I react like that she seems to dismiss me as if I am unaware or uncaring about the reality of the world.

And in a related, but non quarterlife-crisis themed issue, she is just driving me crazy with her new found discovery of diversity. She grew up in a mostly white suburb, so now that she is hanging out with predominantly non-whites she has gotten this whites can do nothing right and not-whites can do no wrong. It is PC taken to a misinformed extreme. One night when I commented that a guy who was hitting on her was a bit too "ghetto" she acted so high and mighty, stating "I don't judge people that way." But you put a trailer park wife-beater wearing appelation coal miner in front of her and she will call him "privledged." It is somehow unenlightened to discriminate in dating a small category of black people, but to write off the entire white population as being "privledged" and "mainstream" is perfectly reasonable. I too suffer from a bit of white-bashing, but I, having gone to school and lived in the inner city which she finds so exciting right now, am more than aware that there are people of all ethnicities that you don't want to have anything to do with.

And one more thing driving me fucking nuts, she is so helpless. She will say things like "we should try to hook up my computer to the internet." This is secret code for "Diana, figure out what we need to get to hook up my computer to the internet, go get what we need and then hook it up." It is so annoying. And once again, when I am poo-pooing the idea of doing something for her that she can or at least should do for herself, I am poo-pooing the IDEA in her eyes, so the idea is "shot down." (Did I tell you about the time she was asking me how to change the lightbulb in her room?)

Oh, and the other thing. I lent her money when she had money problems. She is finally paying me back after I went off on her (if you are nice and want them to feel no guilt or embarrassment, like I was, she interprets it as I really don't care about getting the money, so go out to eat all the time) Now she is letting her brother, who owes her $700 for use of flight benifits, go on a vacation to Alcupulco, which will come out of her paycheck. If she would ask for the money he owes she could pay me back. I am sorry to say this but...bitch.

The world revolves around this girl, and it is really hard to interact with someone who doesn't have a different perspective about the world, but who is correct, and your perspective is somehow substandard, because it doesn't fit into their limited worldview.

Just about everything wrong with this girl was once wrong with me. So what I am forced to deal with is what I have put others through myself. Whatever my universal punishment is, it is much easier to deal with knowing finally what it is that has been driving me crazy.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Unfortunate Feelings

I feel so bad to say this, but when it comes to Roomie Tera, my affection is very mild. When she is happy and fun I can tolerate her sometimes, but when she is crabby, like today, I really sadly couldn't care less. This morning her brother called her and was acting like an asshole because his pass travel benefits (that she has kindly signed him up for) werent working. When he called back he was nice, and she said something like "I hate people like that, who act like an asshole and then apologize later, like apologizing will make it better. Well, a month ago I went off on her for not paying rent, a PERFECTLY REASONABLE thing for someone to fly off the handle over. I did apoligize for my mean tone later, and I am pretty sure she said that as a passive aggressive thing against me.

And she stomped around the house mad that her day is going bad, and I didn't even care. In fact I was annoyed with her for acting like a drama queen. I just find her so abnoxiously self centered sometimes. Things arent going her way, yet she lives in pretty much paradise here. I do most of the dishes, clean mostly, and she went without paying rent for quite awhile- until I blew up at her.

I don't really know why I had to write this, I guess I just wanted to let go of the negativity she has shared with me this morning. But it's still here a bit...grrrrr. Oh well.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Last night we planned for Charles to come over this morning, and I am so glad he did. He could either see me before his first job, or in between his first and second job, and I prefered earlier, even if I don't get to sleep in, because what better way is there to start the day?

Now my sex drive isn't back to full throttle, but I definately noticed a difference. Before it was a pleasant thing to do for about 5 minutes, but then started to bore me after that. Today it was really nice. I felt my face flush, something I havent felt for ages, and afterward I felt really nice and glowy. I used to feel sort of high after sex, I don't feel like that, but I feel calm and nice. And when I saw myself in the mirror in my underwear, with my hair all hair-band big and messy, I was really pleased.

My pleasure in seeing myself in the mirror could have something to do with the 7, count them 7 pounds I have lost!!! Now I am sure this is water weight, I must have been retaining a lot (which could help explain 15 pound gain in 3 months) and so with all of the water I have been drinking my body is ready to release it, whatever the reason I am very happy. I have been very healthy in how I have been losing it. Just walking more and eating really healthy foods, so I am not concerned about the big drop. I am just pleased.

We talked some more today about the L-word. I let him know I don't want to get an IUD (condom free sex) if his feelings arent strong, like mine (sounds like an ultimatum when I type it, but thats not how it sounded when I said it.) I had a romantic plan that I wanted to wear condoms until I am married, even though I have been condomless 3 times in my life, plus the times they have broken. It's a way to make the wedding night sex special, and to keep a sort of distance until I have commited myself to someone.

I said to him that I can accept that we wont be together forever, but I am happy to be with him for now. He didn't say anything. I said, "isn't that what you want?" he said "No, thats NOT what I want." He said again that he thinks I want a guaruntee from him and I said, frustrated "thats NOT what I'm asking for! I just want you to feel the same level I do, and if you don't, then I have to protect myself, because it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you." He has said a lot about him being bad at "expressing" it, not that he didnt feel that way, and that this has been a problem with American women before, because he didn't grow up that way. I had mentioned earlier that I could wait a few months for him to feel that way, but at some point I am going to have to move on, because I shouldn't be commited to someone if there is no possibility of a future. He had brought up this comment and asked if he could have a few months to work on expressing himself. I felt very satisfied with that. It is appearing that it may be a cultural difference, but it is still important to me, especially if we were to have kids, I would want them to hear it.

Another positive resolution, I told him it hurt my feelings when he brought up his goals, suggesting I might be a distraction, when in my opinion, I would be a supportive force in his life, just the opposite. He immediately agreed with me and said that I was correct when I said he was bringing in a past relationship, and that yes, he thought I was a supportive force in his life, not a distraction. I thanked him for that and said I would stop bringing the two times I was a fool in relationships into our realationship. It was really cool to communicate with him so well.

And it's a new day. It is beautiful outside, but I think I will stay in because I am on home reserve (on-call.) Maybe I will open up the door & windows in the basement and do some spring cleaning in my storage space. i will be up to 10,000 steps in no time if I do that :)

mood: happy, and not even anxious

Monday, May 01, 2006

So much

My life has been full of things to think about recently, but I'm doing okay.

A BIG thing...I got a foot in the door to work at Continental!!! This was last week, and really something to think about. Right now I work for a "regional" aka "the minors" Continental is the Majors!!! The reason Continental is hiring is they are expanding to do more international flying, can you imagine that??? International!!! That would be soooooo cool.

But guess what...I decided against applying. Right now I am making about $19 a block hour, that translates to almost $20,000 a year. If I were to move to Continental I would start at $16 per block hour, quite a dip. I also hold terrific senority, I have pretty much my pick of schedules, at Continental I would be on reserve for at least a year (on call, no set schedule.) With my airline, if they were to furlough, I would be safe. If continental furloughed (which let's face it, every airline does) I would be first on the list. I also am based in my home city, if I were to switch I would have to move or commute to Newark. And biggest of all, I work alone, a very good thing for an introvert. On bigger planes you have to work with other flight attendants who could at times be catty. The way I look at it is, my job ain't broke, so why fix it? I would rather focus my energy on my personal goals, which brings me to my next topic...

I joined Weight Watchers!!! I have been doing it for four days now, and my moods have improved IMMEDIATELY. Anyone reading this with depression, try eating only small portions of low-fat high-fiber foods, and taking 10,000 steps a day. I am serious. I have felt IMMEDIATELY better. I am more energetic, HAPPY, and more confident! All this time I have been eating cheese laden comfort foods when I felt low in energy, or in a sad mood, and what I should have been eating is low fat foods, and only enough to sustain me. Since eating what weight watchers says I should, I am SHOCKED by how much I was over-eating. I didn't think it was that much! I probably ate twice the food that I needed to each day! And the craziest (and most awesome) thing, guess what visited me yesterday...drumroll sex drive! I have been indifferent about sex since increasing my antidepressant, not a good thing when you are having the best relationship of your life. So on the plane I was thinking, and a little "woo-hoo" showed up down there that I hadn't felt for months! So if anyone reading this has been having a low libido, try small quantities of low-fat high-fiber foods and increasing your activity. Do that- and it may increase your "activity." I look forward to trying out my new "woo-hoo" with Charles when I see him tomorrow.

Charles is the next topic. I talked to him about the word "Love" and I am both satisfied and unsatisfied with his thoughts on it. I am satisfied that he is not using me, playing me for a fool, or stringing me along. But I am unsatisfied by his perspective. He says love and commitment go hand and hand, and right now he can't commit to saying he is going to marry me (can we say baggage from prior relationships people?) I have been with him less than 4 months, I don't want a commitment that he is going to marry me, but I do want him to feel as strongly for me as I do for him. Part of it is cultural, I know, but not getting the word is building up my defenses, and my feelings for him are weakening. I have played the role of fool twice, I am completely unwilling to be that girl again. His hang-ups (especially his worry that a relationship might be a distraction from his goals) are quickly shutting down my emotional openness to him. It has been SO CHALLENGING to open up and care for a man, so this possible misunderstanding is more than enough to make me recoil. It is very possible that we wont last. I am not going to waste time being a couple if we dont have a future together, but I am going to stay with him for the time being, because I feel like I am growing a lot from our relationship, and the lessons I will learn, and the friendship I will develop, are worth the time away from the dating pool. And frankly, I just don't think I could possibly ask him to go.

All in all, what a good moment in my life. I have a job that I chose to stay with, even when offered another opportunity. I have been SO EMPOWERED in terms of my health...I can't imagine the changes in my life if I can maintain these habits. And I have a boyfriend who, in spite of a questionable future, is a blessing. yay.

And attention suicidal people...3 years ago I was suicidal, but I focused on being patient and kind with myself, worked closely with mental health professionals, and kept hope that life could be better, even though I thought I was fooling myself...but it was true. Don't give up! It will happen slowly, but if you stick to will get better!

mood: so excited for my future