Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I don't care if I bond with my family

The family is talking about politics & Africa, all things I have plenty to say about, but when I spoke up with a very good point about corporal punishment and my uncle who is from out of town just spoke right over me, without a "oh, sorry, what were you saying?"

I just walked off, not dramatically, subtly. Its my own fault, I am smart & talented, but who will know unless I assert it. i just don't care enough. I don't care enough, even if it means not bonding with my family. Even if it means excluding myself to "scan pictures" I just cant take it right now I guess. I am not severely depressed, but I am mildly depressed.

The funeral is tomorrow, I hope the crying will soften me up. I don't know where this anger comes from, but it's there. And screw my uncle for being so dismissive. Yes, he lived with my mom when I was a child, but I am older than my cousins he is having an intelligent conversation with, so fuck him. Sadly, i am going to hold a grudge about what could easily be an ADD type of mistake.

I probably know more about what they are talking about than all but one of them! GRRRRRRRRRRR

Friday, December 26, 2008

Grandpa Died

I can't write the post now, I guess. I got my wish, both my wishes...I got to be there, and he got to die soon. I was going to drive home, but a voice kept telling me "You know you are too tired to drive- what are you doing? You need to turn around" And I did. I laid in bed, and 2 hours later he was gone.

Grandma was listening. She came and helped him out of his body.

It doesn't matter that I am not Christian, he was a congregationalist minister, he is going to heaven to be with his wife and my mom. I don't believe it, but he did, so I believe it for him. Even if there was no heaven, there would become one, for him. He deserves it.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

My Grandpa is Dying

Last night, Christmas eve, I was wrapping presents alone at my aunt's house in the north of my state, while the rest of the family was at church. The phone rang, but I decided not to answer it, I figured it wouldn't be for me, and if it was, they would call my phone or I could hear them leaving the message.

My aunt came home, and said "grandpa is having trouble breathing." and hugged me hard. We packed into the car, and I cried silently.

When we got there, I wasn't sure of where he was, or how lucid he would be, but I could tell things would be bad when I started hearing loud gurgling sounds like a walrus coming from room 575. I stood outside and hugged the gathered aunts and uncles, and was told grandpa was saying my name. I came in, held his hand. Said hello to him, and that I was sorry that he felt rotten. I told him I loved him, and that if he wanted to die I understand. I sat with him, and held his hand, and at one point realized my 17 year old cousin hadn't had a chance with him. After an hour maybe I decided I wanted to tell him to look after my mom. I knew it might be my last chance. It wasn't.

It happened for hours and hours. Grandpa would doze for 30 seconds, then choke and panic for 2 minutes or so. Someone holding his clenched, bruised hands would be comforting him, telling him he is in the hospital, or that he should look for the angels. Over time, my uncle said something very reasonable "I don't think he is going anywhere yet" he is strong, and his skin is warm and has color. He has pnemonia right now and can't sleep because of it. He is really drugged up, and he had a stroke, so he might have lost some of his logic. Everyone chatted about it and agreed, the nurse had just gotten on her shift, and may have misinterpreted his symptoms as being the end. My aunt set up a schedule where the family sits in 2 hour shifts with him, and all but one of us went home.

I went to my shift this afternoon, Christmas. On the way there, I listened to a Buddhist tape set I bought at a garage sale. Shortly before exiting the car, the tape said "to truly love someone, even when they are suffering, is to simply be present with them." Perfect.

He was so much better than the night before. He was resting for 30 seconds and awake for 30 seconds, and panicking much less. He got a nebulizer treatment, and a new medication, so he seemed better at least, not good, but better. He would hold eye contact with me, and at one point I could very clearly hear him say "I love you so much" which the nurse said she heard too. I reminded him over and over that he didn't need to ask God to take him. I told him he would take him, and all he needs to do is rest. I reminded him that the pain he is in is temporary, and that he will either heal from the pnemonia, or be free from this life, so one way or another, this is temporary.

Now I am in a selfish place. I am proud to say that I am not being so selfish that I want him to live, but I am selfish enough that I want him to live for another week, so I can be there when he dies. How can I want that? He may live. He may live for months. But how can I prefer he lives 6 more days? How can I wish that for him? I really want this to end for him. Soon. I just don't want to be seperate from the family when it happens.

When I left the hospital, I felt really happy and alive. I really felt peaceful and connected to him. he looked deep into my eyes. I swear he said he loved me. I really felt like he understood that his family was by his side, loving him. I really felt that he approved of me. He said it before, even though I am just a flight attendant, he was proud of me. He was proud of my volunteer work. He was proud of me sponsoring an orphan with the money that was supposed to be my Mother's, but he let me have instead. He approved, and now I can show him how much I love him, and he knows.

I suppose I should leave tonight with the expectation he will die this week. Maybe with the hope that he will. I would love it if I could chat with him in 2 weeks and learn how this experience went for him, but even that, could mean that he would have to go through some trauma again. I know how it is to have a flu. I know how it is to be in bed on vicodin, in a daze. I had such an awful night the other week when I had phlegm in my throat and woke up every hour. How could it be waking up every minute?!?!?!?

I should get to packing, I am going to take a 12-2 shift, then driving 3 hours in the dark and dangerous cold. I need to get home for work, so I will do it. I think I can let go of my selfish wish. I can hope this is goodbye. Please let this be goodbye.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A one day love affair

Ok, so I enjoyed one day of feeling all in love with Toronto Jackass guy. Good for him! He managed to NOT be a jackass- twice!

The next day, I was over his ass. I had written "go to sleep" to him, and he hung up instead of saying "ok, ok" or anything. Perhaps he didn't see my message, that is the most minor of possibilities, and frankly, it wouldn't matter, the spell is broken.

I have online chatted with him twice more this week, and he is just- dumb. He sent me a weird video game, and I sent him a silly link with a dog licking the screen. He said it was ridiculous, I said "and cute." I said "admit it, you giggled." he said "I dont understand people who like to look at pictures of pets." I said "ok, dont admit it, but I know." and his response was "Im going to sleep." and hung up.

Behavior like that is how he got the name "Toronto Jackass Musician" and eventually I got sick of his ass and deleted my windows messenger program. He is not a charming man. He is great looking, and I like his music, but dude does not have a great personality. Its interesting...his EP is titled with a term similar to "I am negative." Appropriate.

I dont know what to do now. I have all these overnights there, and plans to see him, but who even wants to? Sheesh he knows how to make me feel like shit, and I should be immune, because its not like this is the first time!

Oh well, I got to feel ultra-infatuated for one day. It was nice.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Chatted to Jackass Toronto guy

Yeah. A few weeks ago I sent him an email saying he will never get a girl without ulterior motives if he doesnt act like something besides a jackass (paraphrasing) I decided I was sick of his fucking with my mind, and I was done. Of course I knew I wasn't done. But I did know I wasn't going to contact him again. The ball was in his court, and I have given him enough chances. He needed to contact me. Period.

He did. And better, we actually chatted. I suppose we used to chat back in the day, but I got so sick of him hanging up without saying he was leaving, that I removed windows messenger from my computer 100%

I cant remember what happened next- oh yeah. He put my name in a song. I hate to be cliche, but it softened me up.

Fast forward, he finally acted 10% normal and had a conversation with me, saying he wanted more than just to sleep with me. I was willing to go for it, as in try to get to know him better- but he would barely give me the time of day. I realize he was finishing his album, but I am a patient person, he blew it. I decided to send him a letter, to maybe help him with future girls, and to kind of write it in stone for myself that I was fed up. You know? Like to draw an end line.

But again, I knew it wasn't an end line yet. I felt it coming, but some dumb thing in me wasn't done with it just yet. I actually was doing well, not even thinking of him, but then an update on the album showed up on facebook, and I swear to bob, I LOVE his music (myspace was how we "met") and I do want to buy the album, even if he never knows or if we never speak.

And yes, I was sending psychic messages to him to write me. Ha ha. But yeah, he finally did. And finally acted "normal" (in quotes for a reason) and now I feel like I am in fucking love.

You know what...I am going for it. I can tell it might be a mistake, but I feel something. I think I operate on logic a little too much in the relationship game. I find a flaw, and I say "I couldnt marry him." I think I need a boyfriend, not a fiance. It's a dangerous game to let yourself fall for someone who may not last the whole nine yards, but I am doing something wrong in my life, so I think I need to try new things.

More updates as they come.

Dayum

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dear Facebook Friend

When playing stupid, useless, facebook games, and the quiz asks you if you think your friend is happy, you say YES! It's not ANONYMOUS! Now I have to walk around knowing you don't think I am happy! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? SAYING I'M NOT HAPPY!

I AM VERY FUCKING HAPPY DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note to self...

A woman as boy crazy as me should really make it a priority to get in shape.

My lord. The world is full of sexy, SEXAY men. I mean, come on. I don't have to partake, but if I get & maintain a great body, I have the availability of many, many men until I take the plunge and get married, and I am sure after our inevitable divorce ;)

You know, quite honestly, weight gain saved me a little. I used to be a little out of control. It's hard to resist temptation, especially when it involves people you work with, people you care about (or hate) and any other inappropriate people who might look appealing during lonely/boring/drunk/convenient times.

Im a big girl now though. I am smart & strong enough to resist temptation. Its time to get back into comfortable skin! 4 days and I can start working out again!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Knowledge

I am up at 3AM, wearing a tight red t-shirt that says "knowledge" but might as well as say "knockers" and was listening to the music of the mind-fucker in Toronto. I was shaking my head, feeling unsatisfied, and not sure why. Is it my job? My love life? If something needs to change, how should I change it?

What about men? What the hell. I see the ads on the side of facebook with a hot guy that I know is supposed to lure me to the site, and I think they all look like they are asses. I look at pictures of fat, lonely guys, and I think they look like clingy bloodsuckers. I am not coming from a positive, open place when it comes to men.

I thought about the Toronto man, and how annoyed by his mind-fucking I have been. Fortunately, he has hardly been on my mind at all for ages. He IMmed me one day, and everything was really clear communication. He said he thought I was mean, and really seemed to come out and say that he "likes" me, not just wants to sleep with me. I was open to it, really. I want someone in my life (maybe) and he is great looking and creative. But shortly after, I was IMing with him (barely) and suggested he call me. He didn't, nor did he suggest I call him. I soon made an excuse and signed out. Soon after I wrote him a really constructive letter, saying no girl would want him if he acted that way unless they had ulterior motives. I wont contact him again. Sadly, I am sure he will contact me again, and the tiring, endless, useless game will go on.

In the end, I sense he likes a little drama. Keeps the artistic juices flowing. It isn't me he likes, but the idea he has created with the little snippits of me he has seen, and if he were to actually make an effort it would A) require effort and B) reveal that I am actually a bit stable, and in turn=boring. I admit it. I dont have to be boring just to be stable, but I am both.

I thought about it- DAMN, I am 31. I am with it, damn it. I am a fucking ADULT. I am too old for crap. I have a new suggestion: if you are a woman over 30 and not a dumb ass. Stop looking. You had your chance to get married when you were young and impressionable. Once you have a vision in your head of how the world is, and how you want your life to be, you are too smart to fantasize into believing a anyone will give you what you need from a relationship.

CASE IN POINT: I thought about my mom. She had me when she was 25, so at 31, I was 6. I thought of what her life must have been like when she was my age, then I remembered, she knows plenty about dumb-ass men. She married my dad. I am happy to say I remember one example of a good boyfriend (who is now a state congressman- a good one! and has been for years) but she knows as much as I do about rediculous men. Well, almost as much. I got to see what happens when you die, and your child is left to be raised by one.

I really realized after having my tonsils removed, I am really lonely. I would love to have a family, or at least someone to give a shit about me when I had surgery. My dad really sucked at taking care of me. I asked him to be in charge of my medicine. Not surprisingly, I did that, despite being completely out of it from anesthesia. I sent him a link about the stages of my recovery to print for my grandma, I doubt he even read it. I even filled my own humidifier, even though I wasnt supposed to be bending. It hurt. I was dumb enough to think I would be taken care of this week. What a dummy. I am home now, and my roommate is a sweetheart, who certianly cares, but I am good enough now to look after myself. My friends offered to drop in, but I was in the suburbs when they did. I will see them in a few days, but I just would have loved to have a parent on those first few days. I wasn't helpless, damn it I am never helpless. I just wished I could have been. Just rested, let someone else do the thinking for that one day when my body was sliced open.

Speaking of...crying usually feels good. I treasure it when it comes, but right now, it hurts. It is stretching out my throat. I dont know if I should try to stop, or just put up with the pain in my throat.

Even when I do find someone, I need to get closer to my friends again. I have just become to shy with myself. I only want to see people when I have it together, when I'm not crabby or dense or mopey or exausted. I loved being in India with all of those people living together. You annoyed? Well too bad, you are surrounded by people, so get over your mood or we will make it worse. And what happens? You eventually forget what you are annoyed about (some of the time) and you arent alone.

This post wasnt supposed to be about my dad, but it is going there. What am I supposed to do with him when he ages? I can't fucking stand him. For some time I thought I would take care of him, but how? Hes so negative and bitchy. Hes so- stupid (and stubborn about it.) Aha! And I just figured something out...he probably thinks he is smarter than everyone, which makes him even more useless. "Common sense" is for commoners, right?

Uh. OK, that was a pretty good cry for a girl with part of her throat missing. Enough of this.

Sad not to have my ma. It would be good to have her on nights like these.

Oh...and can a person get vicodin withdrawl after only 11 days?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

A provacative dream

Last night I dreamed I was a combination of myself, and "Fergie" from the Black Eyed Peas. I was an actor in a film, and I was fired, for a small thing, but a reasonable thing considering the scale of the film. In the dream I realized that acting is what I really wanted to do, it was where I was meant to be.

Now stop fucking laughing at me! When I say "acting is where I was meant to be" it doesn't mean "I was meant to be a star" I think my dream was about the creative part of me that needs desperately to be let out, I have an artistic mind, and I am quite talented at music (pitch & a pretty voice [to my ear anyway.]) I do write pieces of songs, and come up with art "installations" (no, don't ask me about the one with the latex dildos with faces on them.) I have this in me, why hasn't it come out?

That's easy. When my mom died, and dad was drinking, it was all survival for me. Art represented my dad, the guy who couldn't keep it together, I looked at the men in suits or polo shirts & khakis, thinking "those guys seem to have it together, I need to be like them." Let's face it- accounting offers security, medical careers offer security, singing and drawing don't.

Also, when my brain is stimulated, especially when I was younger, my mind would go crazy. If I read an article about astronomy that interested me, I would think of how much there is to know about space and the universe, and I would think I should learn about all of that stuff, and I would get so overwhelmed that once I started an interesting article I ought to put it down.

Music is the perfect example of me going nutso. The chances of me being a gifted astronomer would be small. I am smart, but not as smart as the people who study that regularly. Much of it would go over my head. But I was raised with music and art all around me. My brain is structured for music and arts, so if I put in the time, I could actually be good! I am not saying I would ever perform in front of strangers, but to just create some music that I like, and to sing and play guitar with my family, perhaps keeping the tradition going, could actually happen.

I just saw the movie "Once" tonight, which is what sparked my memory of the dream. The process of the two of them collaborating made me want to stand up and pace. There is so much in life I need to do! I guess now that the depression has lifted, I am back to the old, anxious girl, overwhelmed by her potential, so remaining instead on her bed, with her computer, reading Dlisted.

And the acting dream brings up memories so far back I barely remembered them. When I was young I put on shows. I loved reciting plays from textbooks on tape recorders. I put on impromptou plays, and I remember deciding one day in my elementary school yard that I would put on a show of the Wizard of Oz. The planning lasted 2 days at least. I was into it. It was going to happen.

I think Jr. High, coincidentally when my dad started drinking, is when the wind left my sails. The teasing finally got through, self-conciousness prevailed. The girl who was a leader and a performer learned to hold her head down. They teased me in elementary, but that didn't stop me I guess. I guess what stopped me was no longer having the ultimate ally, a parent, cheering me on.

Writing this brings me back there to that apartment when he started drinking. It was such an innocent time for me. The time I was still trusting, still- "me." The time when I still believed some of my life would be the same. I had no idea what the years ahead of me would be like. I had no idea that the person I was would dizzolve. I had no idea that Jr high, & high school would be all about fear, terror really. I saw my life go from a decent one, and for things to slip away, and get progressively worse. My innocent mind could only guess that it would only get worse, and that I was doomed to a life of torture and pain. I am so glad suicide didn't enter my mind until I was 18.

I guess that is just why these feelings are popping up now. As I am on the path of getting healthier and healthier, I have to re-learn who I actually am. I am not a yuppie. The yuppie goal was not one I chose because it fit me. I chose it out of fear that there was no other path for my life that could keep me safe. Now that I know I am safe and responsible, I can use some of my time to explore art more, which can free this creativity which is probably causing me anxiety, because I won't set it free.

It's time to stop being so damn "safe."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Explain, please.

Does somebody want to tell me why I am looking at Craigslist "missed connections" when I have been in bed with the flu the last 3 days?

Sunday, November 09, 2008

The best new weight loss plan: the flu

I was supposed to be at work today, instead I laid in bed, unable to breathe, and hardly sleeping. I went to Jane's house with her 3 year old daughter and 9 month old twins, and my Carrie's 6 month old. It was so much fun! I remember 2 years ago when they told me they were pregant at the same time. I had just broken up with Charles and the news couldn't have brought me down more, but this time it was just fun.

Well we spent the night at Jane's house, but when I woke up I didn't feel well at all. I was supposed to go to a cheesy jewelry party, but I wanted to go because it was with old friends I havent seen for ages. But I couldn't even stay awake in the car ride home! (no, I wasn't driving) And when I got home I was in bed until, well, I am still in bed.

Anyhoo, I lost 2 pounds from not eating anything! yay

Friday, November 07, 2008

Di Crabtree, back in the gutter in record time

When depression reared its ugly head a week or so ago, I felt a renewed spirit to write, and wondered if "Diana Crabtree" would return to it's mental health oriented roots, but overnight, I have gone from a post about love, and loneliness, back to the theme that dominated "Diana Crabtree" for so many years- ACTION!

I got bangs, and I think I look damn cute. Its time for change America! I am happy to say I am verified "Lice Free" from my infestation from the children's home in India (did I ever write that story on here?) and that is quite a relief. After my haircut I went to some airline friends' house, and had drinks and played board games. Two male pilots were there, a man from New Zealand (you know how I am a sucker for accents) and a sort of douchebaggy, but nice pilot I have flown with before.

I ended up drinking an entire bottle of wine. How did I do that? Wine is weird. I drink it, but don't notice I am getting drunk until I am already drunk. Even then I can't tell as much. Well I came on to this kiwi pilot like gangbusters. He was Buddhist and left wing, but kind of condecending about it. I was excited to meet a Buddhist in my city, because I want to find a sangha, but he proceeded to explain Buddhism and the world to me, which was annoying and boring, but I didn't care, because I would have made out with him even if he was a gun enthusiast, the way I saw it, if he passes, I will go for the douchebag, who I assumed was a sure thing, and, he was.

We were supposed to just make out, but he took all his clothes off in like, zero to sixty in 4.2 seconds, and eventually I obliged his silly hopes. There was no sex, but things were fully inappropriate, and I feel just fine about it. I am hurting. I feel lonely in my life right now, and having my childhood crush be so flirtatious and unavailable was really hard for me to deal with. I just felt like I deserved a good makeout session. Maybe I do deserve sex (yes I do) but not in my friends' living room.

The douchebag was the perfect victim for my mojo-recharging lust. He is not an actual douchebag, he is a dork, really. He is a nice guy, and yet not very crushable. My only regret is he is Italian, yet has removed all the hair from his chest and privates. What the hell is up with that? My lust for the Mediteranian, Middle Eastern & South Asian men is not for their abnoxious patriarchy, it is for their lucious dark chest and arm hair. The room was dark anyway, but I made sure to mock him for it anyway.

So now I am home. I left the apartment at 6AM. It started snowing and visibility was so bad I pulled into a community college parking lot and took a nap. I am glad I left, I was not sleeping well, and it just feels right to leave the scene of the crime. I feel confident that he will be a gentleman about it and not tell anyone. Again, he is only douchebaggy by appearance, inside he is a nice, but goofy guy. I am quite grateful for the favor of letting me take out my sexual frustration on him, I am sure it was quite the sacrifice.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Its called a crush because it hurts

I couldn't write this yesterday, yesterday wasn't about me, it was about Obama. What a wonderful day. My heart wasn't heavy yesterday, but it is now.

When I was a child, there was a boy named Daniel Schneider. He was a nice boy, friend of a friend, younger brother of my friend's big brother. Sort of in the periphery of my childhood life. I had a childish sort of crush on him, not like I wrote "Diana Schneider" on my notebooks, I just noticed him, and he became sort of a template in my mind, a nice, smart, good boy.

I went to a different Jr. High than him, then we went to the same high school. He symbolized, a bit to me, the old world I lived in before my mom died, while I was still innocent, and relatively happy. When I went to Jr. High my grades slipped, I became a "bad" girl, and boys like Dan seemed so distant to me. They would never like me. Different social classes. He was a "smart" boy, I was "stupid" (too anxious to focus on a schoolbook) and that was that. I remember once talking to him, and asking about Bosnia. Weird. He didn't remember me from high school apparently, but I did not bring that memory up, because I am embarrassed to have been so casual in talking about Bosnia, where people suffered so much.

So I had added him as a friend on facebook months ago, and of course I facebook stalked him a bit, looking at his pics, seeing how he looks now, and left it at that. He would regularly update his status, but thats all the "communication" that took place. Well one day he left a comment on a status update saying "I know why this rep is so scary looking, her face doesn't move" He mentioned he would be doing door knocking for her competitor, and I mentioned he should call me when a group does that, because the Dem. office never called me, and I have offered to volunteer TONS.

He did contact me, and he suggested we carpool. I was nervous, but the second I got in the car it was just warm and friendly. It was just me and him, and everything was calm and relaxed immediately. It started with a touch on the arm, which is a nice way for people to connect, but it didn't take long for me to sense that the attraction I felt was mutual, which I took as quite a compliment. We went to the office and got our instructions, and went out into the field to start knocking on doors.

We spent 5 hours together, talking, laughing, it was great! Basically it was like an awesome date. But you see, this was no date. He is married. He has a young son, and a baby on the way. I'm not a bad person, I know it means he is off limits, but the crush was deep. To make it worse, he touched me...a lot. He touched my arm, he let his arm rest against mine. He touched my knee, he put his hand on mine, he even put his arm around me! I was fully aware that this was inappropriate, but my dream boy- no, not just my dream boy, the boy who became the template of what sort of image I would like a boy to be like, was touching me! I loved it! I did try to subtly move away, like by talking with my hands so he wasnt touching me anymore, but I am sure I sent non-verbal cues back to him. I couldn't get myself to say out loud "um, you are touching me an awful lot."

The lamest time was at a gas station, where there was some sort of "get the gasoline smell off your hands goo" that he put on his hands. It smelled like wintergreen, and I said it smelled good, like wint-o-green lifesavers. He got out of the car, got some of the goo, and rubbed it on my hands. Quite transparent. I told him how when you bite a wintergreen lifesaver in the dark it sparks, and he said something like "we can check it out..." and I am like "eh...no, I have seen that before, you should show your son that." *eyes rolling*

At the end we got some lunch, and we chatted. I learned that Mr. perfect's dad was an alcoholic too. It goes to show you cant judge a book by its cover. He drove me back to my car, and fortunately, he did not seem to want to linger for long after. I am glad. I had thought about it in my head, and actually thought "if he kisses me I will let him, THEN I will tell him it's not right, and then stop. How much worse is the actual kiss than the attempt? Not much." I feel guilty for the thought, though I realize it did NOT happen, and so I don't know what I would actually do if it did.

I drove straight home, and made my decision between chemistry.com, and the toy. I grabbed my credit card, and went out and got myself a new boyfriend. I named him Daniel. Daniel is not that great in bed, unfortunately. But, I already committed, I can't return him after I used him!

Fortunately he hasn't written the normal follow up "yeah Obama won! Thanks to us, go team!" he is ignoring me and I am ignoring him. Maybe he also realized how inappropriate things were. But the problem is, just because my brain knows it's good we aren't speaking, my heart doesn't get it. All my heart can understand is I spent the day with a boy I like, and he liked me. My heart feels pain to know I can't talk to him, see him again. It feels like another breakup.

I am also sick and fucking tired of this pattern of "clicking" or whatever with married and attached guys. Just a week or two ago I had this captain who looked like Tobie Maguire. I thought something was there, then "zing" I learn he is engaged. Then there is my beloved Dutch pilot. He is 47 and I totally have the hots for him. We sat and chatted, and the chemistry is unmistakeable. One of the things we chatted about is the daughter he is soon to adopt, as soon as the paperwork is finished. Then howabout the men I knew before they were married? Marathon Man and I cant remember the name I invented for him, but the bicycle man (who keeps inviting me to ride on his motorcycle- um, awkward!)

I don't want someone elses man! I can't even have a fantasy about them, because there is always a hurt woman, sometimes with a child, in the way of my turn-on. I chatted with a friend (another attached crush) who pointed out it could be fear of commitment. But you know what? It's not! I really want to find a partner, and its not working! My heart can only take so much! Mike and Jimmy were such a one, two punch, that I can't fathom putting myself out there again, and then we have these 2 guys, the captain & Dan, sending me the signals, making me feel brave enough to come forward, but I cant answer those signals! They are off limits. Well I am sick of off limits men!!!

Hmm, maybe it is not ME thats attracting them, its me thats attracted TO them, because they arent trying to get me, so I like them. Isn't that why women like gay guys so much? I don't know. If I am sitting and thinking about this so much, maybe it is time to go looking for someone. I dont know. Until then, I have my new friend who is mine and mine alone.

...oh, and to add to the list of attached men...Jackass Toronto Musician who put my name in a song. We arent talking now because he is a Jackass, and I think he is probably single now, (because he is a jackass) but for ages he has flirted with me, even though he had a girlfriend, and they had an "arrangement" good for them, still nothing worthwhile for me

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

The boy I have a crush on...

...IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No tears yet, I am tired from door knocking. Pray for him, every day. Poor guy! Lost his grandma. She never got to see it. :(

...BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Better buy? Chemistry.com or sex toy?

I took the test on Chemistry.com to see what kind of matches it would generate for me. So far it has been a failure in the ones they created for me, because a large percentage of them have been conservative. I thought that my profile was de-activated, but that must have changed when I updated my profile, because suddenly I am getting all of these e-mails "so and so is interested in you."

This is much better for my ego than the other dating sites I have been at, but I cant see who these guys are, because I have to pay first! It costs $50 for one month $90 for three months, and who the hell knows what it is for 6 months. Too much. In a way I can appreciate the idea of it costing alot, it weeds out the unemployed weed smokers, but I don't want to pay that much and find out they are all conservatives, or even if they aren't, I'm just not sure I want to date anyone right now, but I do want nooky.

So what's a girl to do? Well, I have spent the last few hours looking at sex toys. I have a lovely realistic dildo and a fantastic vibrator, a $12.50 conair massager that has lasted me 5 years. I love it, but I miss the easiness of the rabbit vibrator I once had, and broke. You just "get comfortable" turn it on, and it does all the work. It's more like a man, you just lay back and get lost in the moment.

I am searching and searching for the perfect one (toy, not man.) It has to be made of silicone (healthier for your body & less likely to break) and I want it to be sort of skinny, since I havent had sex for almost a year, and I want it to feel good, not hurt. I have found a few that seem good (hard to find a skinny rotating one, which is interesting) and the price? Around $80, almost the same price as Chemistry.com.

I am serious when I say I don't know which to pick. A real man could possibly be better than a sex toy. Oh, I am damn serious when I say could possibly, not for sure. A real man has the possibility attached to him that one of us can get sappy and fall for the other, which is great when it happens to both people, but in my experience it seems to only happen to one or the other. A real man requires socializing and hair and makeup doing and shit like that. A real man can last too long, or not long enough, OH! and a vibrator will give me orgasms.

I am leaning towards vibrators. I really have lost interest in men. Fuck them. I have dated so much the last 2 years, and when I think about it, there are a few of those relationships I never got over, namely Alan, Mike, and Jimmy. Did I tell you Jimmy wanted me after him and his Office Max girl broke up? What a flattering offer, to be the second choice & backup plan. So romantic. Mike dumping me really ended it for me. I really let myself fall for him, and that was a big mistake. I should have been more cautious, but I WAS very cautious. He sent me every cue that he liked me too. He looked at my myspace daily (for months after it was over too) and seemed really attracted to me. He had sex issues obviously.

And Alan, who seemed to be falling for me until the evening I told him I like sex alot. It was in a moment when he had confessed to me that he used to do lots of drugs, and I felt this desire to help him feel less vulnerable by being vulnerable myself. That threw me for a loop, from that moment on I could see the wheels turning in him, searching desperately for something wrong with me. It would have been great if he had told me he didnt want to be serious when I brought it up, pretty much giving him an out, but I suppose standing someone up on valentine's day is another way to do it.

There is also a man in India. He is the brother of the pastor who runs the children's home, and to date someone else prevents that from ever working out. I fell so in love with the kids in the children's home, and with his family. I don't know how I could make it work, but dating someone new would kill that opportunity.

I think I am leaning towards sex toy. It will be hard for me to feel comfortable spending that much money, though I deserve it, and I think its a good investment in my health. Orgasms are great for stress and I think if I had enough pleasure sexually, I would be less likely to go out looking for it, or appearing too "eager."

So now I just have to pick the perfect model...

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Hey! Where's my parade?

I feel proud of myself, I went to workout tonight. I don't think I mentioned it here, but I am in a study about breast cancer, where I am supposed to exercise 5 days a week and let them take my blood and stuff. I was doing very, very well until this week, where I drank 3 out of 7 nights. Not only did I drink 3 out of 7 nights I got my work schedule wrong and had to go to work on a day I thought I had off. I only had 2 workouts in for the week, and I had given up, deciding I would just start a new week fresh tomorrow.

But then I saw it. I was finding TV online and I learned that "The Pickup Artist" had a second season. I absolutely loved the first season, so I was excited, but when I turned it on, there were beautiful young girls in a swimming pool. On Halloween I didn't feel I met an acceptable quota of men flirting with me, or glances, and I am at a very high weight, and feeling a bit old. Seeing those girls reminded me of what needs to be done. I started gathering my stuff and left for the gym.

I only had time to get 1 & 1/2 workouts in, so I settled for one. I felt tired, and it was late, I didn't know if half a workout would count, so I am just calling it a loss and came home to rest, to have a good week, perhaps with 7 workouts instead, to make up for this week.

I got home, expecting a parade, including guys wearing fezs, driving tiny little cars, but no such luck. The only reward I get is knowing I gave up, but changed my mind, and decided I deserve better, and worked out. I suppose thats good enough. Though I like those little cars.

I'd rather clean my room then sleep

I can't decide if it is a blessing or a curse that I have neighbors with a child downstairs. I feel this strong desire NOT to go to sleep, and I am in that awesome, motivated mood that can produce miracles of productivity, too bad it's 1:32 in the morning, and productivity like that can earn me an enemy in my sleeping downstairs neighbors.

My sleeping schedule is all out of whack, because of a fun, but very drinky week. I flew with a very cute Tobey Maguire-lookalike captain, and a beautiful, and surprisingly awesome 24 year old first officer. Nights 1 & 2 of the trip both had long layovers, where we went to a smoky dive bar BOTH NIGHTS, then on night 3 we had very short layover, and yesterday was day 4, and halloween, which involved beer, and another late night.

I don't even know how late I slept today to be honest, but it must have been late, because I didn't have too much of a hangover. I had to finish the vital task of filling out a background check for Linda, and I delivered it to the post office to try to assuage my guilt for taking so long to fill it out. I stopped at a few stores and came home a few hours later. It wasn't until Saturday Night Live came on that I finally started to get some cleaning done. What I did between those times is anybody's guess. What DID I do????

I am fortunate that I can sleep in as long as I want tomorrow, and it wont interfere with my schedule, but I need to get myself back to a normal-person wake up time (or at least closer to 10 than to 1PM!!!!) The depression that popped up last week seems to have gone away with my period, but I can see the consequences of not keeping my body healthy, and I really, REALLY don't want to let myself slide back into a depression! It has been "gone" a long time, but not long enough for me to be confident that I won't end up glued to by bed, with unbrushed teeth and unwashed hair, feeling no motivation to live, or feel any hope that tomorrow might be better. To try to put into words what depression feels like is difficult for me. It has been so long that I can't remember the torture, and honestly, I have no desire to think about the memories enough to do a good job. If I want to remember how it feels, I guess I can just read from the first few years of my blog. This week long, minor depression, is a good reminder that I have to take care of my health, so I dont have to remember it personally.

Writing this post (or maybe the time passing to write this post) has helped me feel sleepy. I feel proud of what I have gotten done today, even if it wasn't much. The background check is sent, the rent is paid, the sunblocking window shades have been sewn to be used on the outside of my car. I rearranged some of the plants in my fishtank & poured out some old water. I bought some fancy co-op shampoo & chatted with a friend, and got some of my room cleaned. When I write it all down I have gotten more done than some days off I have, so I should recognize that point instead of wishing I had done more. Tomorrow I can hope to match todays productivity, and hope for a little more.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

The depression is back

Hey folks? Miss Diana? I missed her too. Not sure why I couldn't write. Not that it matters, but it is my diary, so I haven't made any promises. Still, I owe myself to have this record of my life. Oh well.

Last night I dressed up at a witch and went to a bar that I used to go to when I was younger. It was a amazing. The creativity of the costumes was amazing, and I felt so strongly that I was with "my people." The best part, was I was standing on the balcony in the corner with my friends blocking the view of me, so I danced my ass off. I am sincere when I say I would be a go-go dancer if I was offered the job. I dont really think of it as degrading, the goal of it is to create an atmosphere that gets you in the mood to dance. I have only seen a few go-go dancers in my life, so maybe my perception of what it is is skewed, but when I was in germany, I jumped on a speaker and started dancing, and my friend told me the energy of the people dancing went up when I did. I had a great time dancing like crazy up there, with no one to see me, thinking I am showing off, or trying to rub their penis on my butt.

You know, worrying about having penises rubbed on my butt didn't seem to be a problem. All these awesome, creative boys around me, no one tried to talk to me. Maybe it was because I was in a corner, surrounded by my friends most of the time, maybe it was because there were an equal amount of creative & cute girls there. One thing I wonder, is if I looked old to the people there. To me they looked my age, but I don't know if I am accepting myself as 31 yet. I cant help but think few people there were my age, because they were home with their damn spouses and children.

Anyway, being there I noticed, yes, I am indeed depressed. I have been for a week. Its mild, but real. Also, this week, I have been taking terrible care of my health. I have drank 4 out of 7 days, eating crap (or nearly nothing) and not getting enough water. When I drank about 16 oz of water I immediately noticed I had more energy. I also have had PMS and the time of the month, so I look forward to taking better care of myself and getting my less crazy hormones back.

With my depression in remission, the only secrets left in my life have been my love/sex life, so my blog has probably not been very constructive for the readers. But I need the rest/transition from having my identity be all about my disease. I am a person who has depression, not a "depressive." It has been an awesome feeling to become Diana again, not the woman struggling to claw her way out of the depression, to desire to live again. Too bad I had to discover that the real Diana is so damn narcissistic ;)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I am helping Cancer!

…Wait, that didn't come out right. I meant I am helping cancer researchers, and I am so excited! I am participating in a study called XXXXX. It involves studying the effects of exercise on hormones related to breast cancer, genetic markers, and fat percentages. They take measurements, have you exercise 5 days a week, then they take further measurements. Of course there is a control group. The control group doesn't exercise. I suppose I shouldn't complain if I get put in the control group, since I haven't exercised much since the running clinics ended, but I have felt very motivated to get my health back on track, since I am becoming more tired since putting on weight and returning to a sedentary lifestyle.

So here is what happens if I get in the exercise group… I am required to workout 5 days a week, and I get to see a trainer once a week to adjust my workout and assist in motivation! On top of that I get a free Y membership during the study! This of course is what motivated me to join, but something else has grown in me since I started thinking about it. I am actually going to help fight cancer, and help the scientific process, which has always been important to me.

This morning I was listening to NPR, and heard about new methods of funding disease research. When listening, as happens most of the time when hearing stories about diseases, I get this feeling in my gut that I wish I could do something. I can't explain how nice it is to know that I am! What is especially heartening is the requirements for the study are you have to be 20-30, never had a child, not be on the pill, and be able to commit to the parameters of the study. I was 30 when I signed on to the study, so I am one of the rare people who actually meets that criteria!

I don't have a personal relationship with Breast Cancer. My Great Grandmother died of it I think, and my mother died from an accident, too young for me to know if she could have gotten it. But having lost a mother, if I can help prevent people in the future from losing their mothers prematurely, that is close enough to my heart to be worth it.

If you are a woman 20-30 who has never had children, you should consider signing up for the study. I know you can't be on the pill, but you can ask the people in the study, you may be able to join the study after going off of the pill. Even if you can't join it yourself, if you know young women in the twin cities who meet the requirements, let them know. You can add WISER as a friend, as well as join the group. The person participating in the study gets $300 too, whether they are in the exercise group or not.

Monday, September 01, 2008

WHAT'S THE SCAM?????????????

You must concede I live an interesting life. Not a glamorous life, not an enviable life, but an interesting one. The way I keep my life interesting is by being open. I am a cynic, and a skeptic, but I still believe that *maybe* this person in front of me is telling me the truth. Why discount someone before you have the evidence, why not start with giving them the benefit of the doubt, and work from there?

Today, at a Holiday in in Oklahoma, a young, good looking man said something to me when I was walking from the computer room to the restroom, I did a double take, thinking he was with my company, then kept walking. On the way out I saw him at the end of the hall and said "I thought you worked for my company" He said "you're a flight attendant?" and I said yes "and he said something about most flight attendants being old and decrepid. I just shook my head and went back in the room.

From a distance he was cute, but close up he just looked like a janitor or something. He was wearing hip-hoppish clothes, so he couldnt be a janitor, but who knows. I was just thinking "well, he is a dumb ass, but I appreciate getting the attention, because a chub like me doesnt get it as much as I would like"

He ended up coming in the room and talking to me. He claimed he owned a record company. (he was like, 24) He offered me a job working on a private jet. He said he just fired his last F/A for selling drugs. He hit on me like crazy too, which was like sexual harrassment cases begging to be filed, but, again, what if it was true? Better to pretend to believe him now and maybe get a good paying job than to write him off right away, be wrong, and miss out on a good opportunity.

I am a cynic, and a skeptic, but I will be honest, he was a good liar. Not only did he have me going, I still believe him now! Is it because I hold so tightly to that dream that one day I will be "discovered" and be offered some cushy job (well I was told I had "something special" about me by a casting agent- too bad it was from NYNDM (new york name dropper man, see 2005) ) Is it that my fantasy is so ingrained in my head that I will believe total bullshit to validate this?

Why do I want to call so much tomorrow? I checked the number he gave me, it was a land-line in Iowa. STILL! I want to know WHAT THE SCAM IS!!! Why was he so convincing? What was his goal?

I have learned that a fractional jet company I have thought of applying at is hiring. It feels like this cute little guy with the saggy pants was put in my life to get me to apply. I got so excited with the idea of working around big shots, (while keeping my cool- of course) so if that is what I want, the fractional company would give it to me! But the job wont be mine without a resume!

Still, tomorrow, while I am not calling the guy, I am going to be wanting to SO BAD 'cuz---whats the scam???

AN AFTERTHOUGHT: I know now, I am not a whore. When I was seriously entertaining the idea that this clown could be for real, I stood firm in my mind that I would not sleep with anyone, even for a job making 90K a year. But. Just because I am not a whore, does not mean I am not a hoochie. I learned about myself that, if offered $90,000 with benefits, I would wear any rediculous uniform, as long as I wasnt naked. I guess a persons true colors come out when money is involved ;)

Friday, August 22, 2008

I was in India

Hey yall!

I was in India.

So without a month of writing, I wonder how many readers I lost? I know that the blog is my diary, and readers are only observers, but I feel like I let people down when I don't post.

It was a great trip, I did a meditation course and volunteered at a childrens home.

I got diarrhea, headlice and a yeast infection on my lips.

Tomorrow I go back to work.

Hope everyone is well

Friday, July 18, 2008

Sleeping is Rad

I slept. Nearly 7 hours. I feel so amazing, so...HAPPY!

Well, here I go...I am hopping in the shower, throwing on some makeup, and then hopefully packing and leaving. I can't believe this is happening!!!

Wish me luck!

I might go to India tomorrow

Yeah, I am supposed to go to India. I was supposed to go yesterday, because I am just insane enough to think I could pull it all together in time, but fortunately I couldnt find my immunization card, which I believed to be mandatory, so that little yellow card saved me from my ambition.

I didnt sleep at all last night, and today I took a 4 hour nap, then stayed up until now (3 am) and I have decided to sleep, because I am losing my mental capacity.

I have it all layed out on the table in the living room, so hopefully I'm not missing anything. I still have a few things to do, but I have just decided to turn in, because I am lacking in the energy, mental or physical to keep it all together.

On that note, I ought to turn this thing off so I can actually sleep (I just bought a futon, and am giving away my bed frame that I have had over 10 years!) <----kind of sad actually!

Namaste!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

My difficult life (An e-mail I just sent my friends)

Hey Emma and Jennifer,

I wrote down my itinerary, involving Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and it looks like this:

MY CITY-Amsterdam
Amsterdam-Delhi
Delhi-Mumbai
Mumbai-Nairobi
Niarobi-Entebbe
Entebbe-Masaka
Masaka-Lyantonde
Lyantonde-Entebbe
Entebbe-London
London-Detroit
Detroit-MY CITY

It took seeing it on paper to see what an insane idea of doing both India and Uganda in one month is. It seemed much less insane when I imagined India being where Saudi Arabia is, but even if it was there, this would be insane, especially for someone flying standby. So now I need to figure out where the hell I should go.

Pros India
I already have the visa
I have never been to Asia
I have always wanted to go to India

Pros Uganda
I have a once in a life time opportunity (well)
I could see Hufiz
I know a few people, so I could have places to go
I could go to Kenya and see Charles
I have a travel companion (my friend Maria's son)
I already have books/balls/etc for the Ugandan school & gifts for Hufiz
If I cant get on the flights I want, I wont be ruining someone else's trip.

Right now it's pretty much even. I am leaning Uganda because the opportunity to be a part of installing a well doesnt show up every day, especially for someone outside the Aid field. But, on the other hand, I have always wanted to go to India, and the idea of not going, after I have gotten my hopes so high (and the visa) would really bum me out.

I guess the deciding factor is if the well plans can be coordinated.

I am so sad, which is dumb. There are people with real problems in this world (hmmm, in India and Uganda to name a few) and I am feeling so sorry for myself that I cant do both. Dumb.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

My neglected adolecence

My dad never beat me. My dad never sexually abused me, for these things, I am lucky, very lucky. I am also lucky that for the first 9 years of my life, I had a parent invested in me, and for 2 years after the death of my mother, I at least had a nuclear family, flawed as it was. I was not abused, but I was neglected, and even the neglect was mild in the spectrum of child neglect. I lived in a house dirty enough that it could be on a news program, my father filled the house with cigarette smoke, and he ignored me, and my development, from the ages of 12/13-18, when I was finally able to ignore him too.

I always had food, though not vegetables until I started eating lean cuisines. The power was never shut off, and though my dad would lay passed out on the porch with the door unlocked, I had shelter. But my dad was drunk. Passed out drunk, from the time he got home from work until I went to bed. His ex-wife died, then he had to become a full time parent, then his second wife left him, and he started drinking tequila sunrises "to relax." In no time they became tequila & OJ, then just tequila, then skip the glasses, then at least half a bottle a day. He broke some ribs from trying to get down the stairs to go to the bathroom, which he told me, unaware of how hearing your father broke his ribs is not funny, but traumatic.

When I look back, from my "safe place" I forget how traumatic it all was for me. When I have a hard time commiting myself to anyone but the perfect man, I kick myself, thinking I am being irrational, and I forget that I am where I am for a reason, and my avoiding trusting men has been a survival instinct that has served me, and kept me safe, and was due to the trauma of my childhood. A pink spot on my shoulder has given me a reminder of what my childhood was like.

In jr. high I got an itch on my arm. Where the itch was turned pink, and started to have little bumps on it. I dont remember if I told my dad or not, I probably did, but most of the time when I talked to my dad he would say "uh-huh" or "oh?" and obviously be ignoring every word I said.

The little red patch grew over time, it grew bigger than a cherry tomato. I was terribly embarrassed by this strange blotch on my arm, but somehow did not feel I had any control over it, so I just lived with it. I probably avoided sleeveless shirts, and just went on with life, feeling like I was hideous and diseased. One day my grandma and aunt took out a health book and compared the pictures to my rash. They decided it was something called "rosy ring" and I don't remember what happened next. All I remember is that once I was at a doctor, we found out it was ringworm, a very common and very easy to treat fungal infection. It is very common with people who own cats.

That was a nuanced example of my neglect. One I didn't recognize at the time, but one that seems glaringly obvious now. If your child has a rash on their body that lasts for months, and grows, you take them to the doctor. If you cant afford a doctor, you take them to a free clinic. If you cant afford a free clinic you experiment with different creams until it goes away.

Last week I had a red bump on my shoulder the size of a pimple. It didnt go away in a day or two like a pimple or a bug bite, it grew. When I got home from my trip I put some anti fungal on it and after a week it is almost gone. Not sure how I got ringworm again, but I was just at a home with cats, and I am sure my immune system is pretty weak because I havent been eating or sleeping well lately. It was just so easy. I tried with a little anti-fungal cream and solved the problem. The point is I noticed the problem.

I will say this. I did get to the doctor when I pushed my dad to take me. When I was 17 or 18 and had my suicide note written (I was intelligent and and observant enough at that age to know that "suicidal ideation" is a sign that depression is at a dangerous point) and when I went, the doctor prescribed Zoloft for me, and my life began to turn around for me.

My dad hated the term "dysfunctional family" for good reason. A term like that drew attention to the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed as a child, that him giving me food & shelter and saying "I trust you" wasnt the equivelent to making and enforcing rules.

Thank god for my mom's social security, tons of therapists and medication, and family members who didnt take me out of my nightmare home, but at least paid attention to me. And to my grandma and aunt, who actually noticed that children shouldnt have large rashes on their arms, and opened a book about health, telling me that I matter enough that I shouldnt have skin diseases.

Say a prayer to your preferred diety(ies) for the children who suffer through so much worse

Monday, June 30, 2008

The golf club princess

One thing I like about my airline is most of the people are middle class and normal. There are a few lower-class arses, and a few upper-class arses, but most people behave like human beings and have their heads on their shoulders. But now and then we get a twat.

On walks a teen with a Chanel bag and some ridiculous patent wedges on her feet. Of course she is in the front row so I have to look at her snotty mug. Her dad, a nice man, was sitting behind her, so after overhearing them discuss golf I had it in my head that she was the daughter of a professional golfer and was another obnoxious princess who's parents misguidedly pampered, and created a monster.

When we began to accelerate for take-off suddenly the we slowed way down. I remained calm, knowing that an alert must have popped up, and takeoff needed to be aborted. The captain announced that we had hit a bird, and needed to go back to the gate to have the plane looked at by maintenance. The little princess asked "we hit what?" and I said "a bird" she said "what?" and I said "a bird" and waved my hands like wings. She said "we have to go back because they hit a bird?" and I said "Sometimes they can damage the aircraft." I overheard her say to her dad "I have never seen anything like this" and I am thinking to myself "Oh really, in your 19 years of life & and flying you have never seen anything like this?" I could not believe this girl.

On the way back to the gate I see a tabloid in my face and she says, with a flat look on her face, "want a magazine?" This sort of endears me to her, she has shared her magazine, and I liked the way she was nice without the cliche smile. Stuff like that amuses me. I looked through it, and handed it back, and said "I'm done" she said "already?" and we both said something about liking to look at the pictures. She then taps a Korean lady across the row with the magazine and just sort of grunts, the Korean lady takes the magazine and her and her travel companion look perplexed.

We got to the gate and suddenly there was quite a production. A crane was brought in, and the plane was surrounded by maintenance men. Even a man in a tie was there. Apparently the DNR takes DNA samples now to track the killed birds. I had time to walk through the cabin with water and Pepsi, but the time at the gate was relatively fast, and soon we had the door closed and we were on our way. While walking through the cabin the girl lays down without a seat belt I say "Pardon me? Do you have your seat belt fastened?" and she sort of laughs and says "No" and I say "Could you please fasten it so we can get going?"

I don't remember anything special about the flight. The lights went out in the lav, but the circuits were reset, and other than that it was uneventful. Most people slept through it all, so I didn't have to do much for the service. Before we landed I did my final walk through, collecting newspapers, cups, and any other trash from the flight. I went to the galley and filled out my paperwork and sat down for landing. As the passengers were leaving I heard her dad say "You left some papers" and she said to him "I did it on purpose."

Of course I looked at the papers, and learned that she is a golfer. There was a list of potential endorsements, a workout schedule, and an e-mail from some jeweler endorsement saying "this is your allowance for the remainder of your contract, there is a lovely piece of jewelry for $14,000 we recommend."

I had a few thoughts. One, I was happy to see a snotty young girl who had EARNED her snottiness. I imagine she paid for that Chanel bag, not her dad, and that her sense of being the center of the universe was because of her own accomplishments, not because of a pampered childhood. This is refreshing, since I see too many girls who walk around with a sense of entitlement but having done nothing to earn it but be born to white, rich, doting parents.

The other thought I had was why in heaven's name did she leave confidential papers like that out? Was she trying to prove a point? Like I was mean to her (I wasn't) and look what a mistake I made? Was she showing off? Or was she just really sloppy about protecting her privacy? (Her e-mail address might have been on one of those papers.)

In the end I wish her the best. I thought she had an obnoxiously big head, but wouldn't most of us have one if we were given such attention at such a young age? I feel hope for her that she develops a normal, healthy sense of self, which is hard for young celebrities, and that she grows out of this phase eventually. I thought I saw a spark of a sense of humor when she offered me the magazine, I may have been projecting, but I choose to see it. I only want good things for women athletes, and I don't think it is fair to hold them to a higher standard of behavior than the very low bar set for male athletes.

The top ten reasons stockings are better than pantyhose, by Diana Crabtree

Feel free to copy and paste this top ten list and send it as a mass e-mail, just include my name & link in it. Why? I am an attention whore, thats why.

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The top ten reasons stockings are better than pantyhose...

10. If you get a snag on your ankle, you can switch the snag to the inside, and it will be less visible.

9. Your husband (or wife) will think you look sexy while getting dressed.

8. If you get a run in one leg, you haven't destroyed the whole pair.

7. It is unhealthy for your lady parts to be suffocated in nylon

6. If the phone rings while you are putting them on, you won't have the second leg dragging on the floor.

5. Using less fabric is better for the environment

4. There is no waistband to roll down, creating a sexy "Muffin Top" look.

3. If you think someone is cute, you can spread your knees apart 11 inches, and flick your tongue like Gene Simmons. (The seam of pantyhose would ruin the effect, and lets face it, would be trashy)

2. You can use the bathroom without praying that you don't snag them while pulling them up and down.

And the number one reason stockings are better than pantyhose...

Cool Buns


www.dianacrabtree.blogspot.com

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Not a nice dream

I just remembered my dream last night. I heard a sound, and saw something move on top of my bookshelf, and it was my grandma on top of a bookshelf, she had had a stroke!

My cousin and I got her down and decided to eat her (huh?) and then later on found out that if we had given her CPR instead of eating her there was a chance she would have made it.

Tonight's lesson: If your grandma has a stroke, don't eat her!

Monday, June 23, 2008

The second half of the now-over love affair

Continued from:
http://dianacrabtree.blogspot.com/2008/06/torrid-affair-leads-to-weight-loss.html

Everyone went back to the hotel, and back to the "Dominion Room" for more drinks and music. I ended up at a table with the bride and groom, Jimmy, and the best man and his girlfriend. Again there was this subconcious urge to sit by him, but I tried to go against it, and eventually ended up at the opposite end of the table, getting to know the best man, who was a nice guy. Jimmy was eating pistachios one after another. At one point he randomly threw a shell at me and it almost went down my shirt. I threw one at his head and it landed in his hair. Later he complained about being hot, and I the words "take it off" came out of my mouth before I realized I was going to say them.

That night people asked if Jimmy could stay in the suite. It would mean being in the same room as me, and he kept asking if it was okay. I told him it was totally no big deal, I told him I often have guy roommates. We talked and joked into the night, and finally went to sleep.

Finally, the day of the wedding came. By this time I am sick and tired of the f-ing mall (I had been there a number of times, it was right across from the hotel) but we had to go there for our hair, and I got my makeup done at a kiosk for buying $25 of sparkly makeup. The day before I had met the hairdresser, and she said to me "I ahm going tooh mayke yooh beouuteefuul." She was great, from Iraq. She was telling me about her perfect children, and I asked for her orthapedic surgeon son's phone number (she didnt give it to me.) My hair was cute. Not as cute as my friend does it, but it was very nice.

We got to the Unitarian church and there was a get ready room. I taped towels on the door so no-one could see the bride in her dress, a good thing because the men were getting ready next door. I had no steam left really. It had been a long week and I was tired. We got ready and lined up for the wedding. While we stood in line, people from the meditation group were putting cushions in the room. It was so bizarre! They may not have been American-born, but you would have thought they could figure out this was a wedding and respectfully waited to put the cushions in the room! The wedding planner put her foot down and made them remove them. They seemed surprised. I find that so weird.

The ceremony was nice. I got eye contact with Jimmy once, I avoided it the rest of the time. When I told him he looked like Tim Allen (a combination of Tim Allen and John Cusack) he said he was going to grunt like Tim Allen during the wedding. He didnt. After it was over it was pictures. The photographer wanted me there to help make people laugh and grab bouquets and stuff. I felt flattered to be used, but I was just tired and sick of it all. There was so much tension in the place. Both had divorced parents, and the bride's mom's side of the family are fun, but gossipy and one was quite bitchy.

The dinner had great food, but we all just sat at the table and didnt say much. It wasnt fun. I was tired and felt like my seat was going to fall backwards. Then the mother of the bride had some idea of having a parade up to the reception. I am sure it looked great, but I just wanted to get it over with.

We got to the reception hall and loud music was not for me. I sat, enjoyed the cake, and chatted with one of the performers from the wedding. Then there was some dance. I didnt want to do it, but the brides mom said I had to. If I had to dance, I was looking for Jimmy to dance with. When his sister grabbed him and I said "I want to dance with sweaty" and he said "you can cut in." I asked the brides brother and he was like "I dont want to dance" and I'm like "yeah, duh, neither do I" finally I danced with my uncle.

I wanted to find a bathroom, so I walked through an open door. There was construction, but I thought maybe I could connect to the bathroom by walking through it. Also, it was so peaceful in there, so I kept walking farther. It was actually really cool. It felt naughty to be in there, and It went so deep through. I lingered a minute, but then finally went out when I realized it wouldnt connect. I had to go back to the church to go to the bathroom. I appreciated leaving.

When I walked out of the bathroom and looked in the mirror I felt like I looked like the fat girl in "My big fat greek wedding." I got struck with this sense of sadness, I figured "Jimmy liked me until seeing me in this dress, he didnt realize I was fat until now. It bummed me out. However, soon after I arrived back at the reception, we found each other (he got me a margarita) and I ended up showing him the back area. (I called them "the catacombs")

We chit-chatted. His dad's second wife's grand-kid came in and we teased him a little, but when he started going in deeper I told him be careful, and Jimmy made him leave. He said something about me being cool, and I said something about him being cool and one of us said something about it being too bad we live so far apart and I said "well we could always have the cliche fling" and we both seemed to like the idea. We walked to the very, very back of the catacombs, into a bathroom with a tiny toilet in it, and made out like banshees. I commented on how I thought he would be shy and timid, and that I was happy that he was so confident and aggressive. And he grabbed me and kissed me hard. At one point he asked me if I was drunk enough that he could take advantage of me, and I had to think about it, and shrugged my shoulders. He took the second half of my margarita and poured it in his glass.

I cant remember the transition from the making out to back to the church, but I had mentioned we had to decorate the car. No one had planned to decorate the car! We tried wet chalk, but it didnt leave a mark, so we scrounged and finally settled on masking tape. It was a lot of fun, and it provided the perfect alibi for our shenanigans.

By the time I got back to the reception it was just about over. I wished it was longer, because by then I had changed into my clothes, and felt much better. We all went to the dominion room and hung out a bit, and somehow I remember being upstairs, kissing Jimmy before he was about to take a shower. I was unbuttoning his shirt for him, and seeing his hairy chest nearly sent me over the edge. I went back to the dominion room and he texted asking how long I would be. When it was all over I didnt want to wait for everything to be quiet, but once it was, he rolled into my bed, and it was so amazing. To like someone, be mutually attracted to them and kiss them is so, so sexy. He knew what to do, and it drove me crazy.

At one point I touched him and it was so freaking huge. He was fresh from the shower, and I desperately wanted to, so went down on him, even with my aunt and uncle in the next room. He was going to finish, and I let him, and I liked it, I had no problem with it. I loved making him happy. He sounded so very happy. (I like what I do, and I know how to do it ;) ) He did some lovely things to me too, and I didnt have an orgasm (because I dont with guys) but It was incredible.

I didn't want him to go to his bed, but I didn't want us to fall asleep accidentally. So eventually we laid down in our own beds. After what could have been 5 minutes, or could have been 20, my eyes opened to the light of my phone. The power was going on and off. I whispered "did the power just go off?" and we ended up on the balcony. It was surreal, the dark courtyard with little power except from the generator, and music playing!

In the morning my aunt caught him leaning over me, and when Jimmy was leaving I walked with him, and kissed him by the elevator, just as my uncle came around the corner. I am sure they are mad at me, sure I had sex, which I wouldnt have, even if I had a condom, because it would be disrespectful, yet we still went down on each other, so how is that more respectful? not sure. I was already feeling a-social and tired, and having them irritated with me didn't help. I hid in the basement at my aunt's stupid day after brunch, which was mostly her loud irish sisters.

And that was that. I thought Jimmy and I would see each-other on the 28th, and I was going to get a room away from the pilots so we wouldnt wake them up. I bought him a 4 pound bag of pistachios. I was going to go in for a fresh coochie-wax this weekend. But the day before yesterday I wrote him and said "what do you think about next week?" but I didnt have to write that. He is a big texter, and he had only texted me twice after that night, the week after, and on father's day, when I texted him "happy fathers day" and he said "Why thank you" and nothing more. I knew. When a boy likes you he tries. If he's shy, then he takes the bait when you start a conversation. It was never going to happen. He knew this girl a year, he was probably seeing her while we were at the wedding. (He was texting someone on the first day.)

I am feeling much better today. Thankfully, yesterday a hot workout dude was chatting with me in the excercise room at the hotel and maybe was going to ask me to dinner (twice he asked when I would know if my flight was cancelled) sure, he knew I was an F/A and must of assumed I was an easy lay, but at least it shows I'm not a dog. Today I chatted with a German engineer (you know how I love the Germans) and having my name put in a song by a sexy and talented (albiet jerky) musician made it all a little easier.

I am also doing well with the weight watchers. I have been counting points on my ipod, and yes, I am not being perfect, but I am monitoring and limiting my food. I feel in control. And running was surprisingly easy! :) I feel confident that I will get back down to 185, and probably just stay there and be happy with it. 175, 150 would be nice, but if I can look in the mirror at 185 and feel pretty, then 185 it is.

I will move on. It is happening quickly. I just have to keep my confidence and move forward. I cant dwell on feeling used. I do, but I participated in it. I didnt want promises, but I wanted to get him without promises.

Am I a muse?

Toronto dickhead musician sent me, and others a new song, and there is a lyric "Goddess like Diana" except instead of Diana, it's my real name, much less common.

Hmmmm?

That's me! A muse!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I want

Hung, hot, a great kisser, knew what he was doing in bed. Big, dark eyebrows, oh! And that hairy chest and arms! AK!

Also sweet, smart, nerdy, and clean cut.

So what he was a manager at Office Max? He is a responsible person, and I got to see that I am not obsessed with status like I was worried I was, I just want a quality guy.

I cant take it. I want him so bad. And I cant just go and find another guy with chemistry. I LIKED him, that is what made the chemistry and making out exponentially better. I wanted to see him, have sex with him, and let my feelings go where they would. If I got hurt, if it couldnt work, I was willing to take that risk. But I was also willing to hope it could work, because he was that package. A nice boy, but I wouldnt have to "settle" for a guy who sucks in bed, in order to get a sweetheart. FUCK!

Also, I thought I didn't like white American boys, but that was almost a plus. I wasnt thinking about our ethnicities or any of the worlds problems. Not that I think that all the time with guys I date, but I think about it often.

I am so upset. Not as upset as I was about the Mike breakup, but I do think this guy was a good match. I mean very good. I mean very, very good. I felt like I could understand how people "fall" in love. Like consumate love, Friendship, Sex, & Companionate. I didnt have that with Charles, though I loved him.

I need to lose weight. Not so guys will like me, they already like me, but so I can have the confidence to take chances.

I need sex. Good sex. Sex I don't have to give up. Sex with friendship. Sex with loyalty. Sex with partnership. I realize the chemistry fades, but I need it now. I need it. Why do the work of a relationship otherwise? It's the positive reinforcement to keep trying though its hard. Sure it fades, but usually by then the other parts have developed.

I'm so in denial. I still feel this hope that he will call me and say "I cant do it, when you said **** I got to thinking, and I can't just settle for her." Yes, this is my actual hope. When I sit and think about it I know it's stupid, but I am just still somehow in denial. And lets say he did do that. Would I feel the same about him? Or is the spell be broken. I would forever be the second choice. Not a feeling that makes you feel valued. Sure, he has worked with her a year, but I still feel so awful.

I have gotten so close. So close to something real happening. But instead of feeling pleased with my progress, I am getting so frustrated. I am saying "something is wrong with me." I know that is the wrong response. I am so close. I am letting myself get hurt, which means I am letting myself feel. But I don't want to find "someone" I want him!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I want to find someone, in my city. No, I want him.

I want one for MEEEEEEEEEE! Where's mine?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I always spell definately wrong. I need to practice spelling it right. De-finite-ly. definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely

Good for me!

So I bought some coconut candies for my aunt. I told my cousin I would probably eat a few. Well I didnt want to open them because I was worried once I started I wouldnt stop, and I did a good job, until tonight.

I took the wrapper off the key lime. I ate one, and looked at the box. 150 calories, PER CANDY. I then took the wrapper off the almond one, and didnt have a second. 300 calories just didnt seem worth it :)

I cant do this!

I think I am pushing my feelings away, because I don't want to write this post. If I dont write, I dont have to analyze and think about it.

The grooms brother has some dumb girlfriend now. It wasnt in my for-sure plan to want to have a relationship with him, but I wanted to see where it would go. I really liked him. A nice guy in the street, a whore in the bedroom

What a loser. What does office max girl have that I dont? I think I am good enough that the fact I live in another city, and will be gone for over a month still makes me a great match.

Right now no guy can compare to him in my mind. It sucks to see it's not mutual

Friday, June 20, 2008

its four am, fuck

I am writing this from my iPod. My computer is in the room, but I am supposed to be getting to sleep, so it is off. There are many factors of why I am awake, but a big one is that I am worked up from a website I posted on, and the reactions I am getting.

Last week, when trying to find info on the fate of my company, and in consequence, my livelihood, I found a hiring site, where people were asking aout starting at my company. I wrote a post about the reality about it, and I got a handfull of responses calling me negative and jaded. I can't explain how much this upsets me, I pride myself in my positive attitude and my caring for others. Peoples responses were "you are negative..." you know what, I'm not going to say them, they were so unfair, one, in the same sentence, said I thought I was too good, and maybe I am bitter because I am "only going to be a flight attendant," and am not going to do any other job in the future.

I want to know who this demon woman is! She doesn't know who I am either, but that makes it worse I think. I don't think she would have been so boldly dismissive of me in person, it hurts my feelings though, still.

What makes this really dumb is, she is probably a recruiter. I just can't fathom that when I am warning people about what it takes to survive my airline, she is writing about how rosy it is, which bugs me because I think people have a right to know, and because it makes me feel like the sacrifices I made are untrue.

I would not be surprised if I have PMS. I have to feel good that I told the truth, and the people who read it are responsible for their own choices.

Monday, June 16, 2008

I spent more than 600 dollars today on luxuries- it makes me feel stressed, not the equivalent happiness that $600 should buy

I made the decision to buy an ipod touch. Most people would hear this and say "that's extravagant" and I agree, but I am not buying a fancy-pants mp3 player, I am buying a wi-fi machine to keep myself from destroying my laptop by taking it on trips, and people, I'm close.

Yes, OWNING a computer is extravagant, having e-mail period is extravagant, but I just feel more connected when I have access to my computer. I treat my social phobia with a bit of tolerance, I don't force myself to leave the hotel room when I need a rest from people (and don't want to get dressed, ha ha! Also, the crew lounge now has wi-fi access, and on 3 hour sits at the airport it is a real blessing to have e-mail access, whether to pass time, or to be productive. I also hope to put a yoga routine on it and workout now and then. I wont hold my breath. HA HA

I also bought an 8GB flash drive, because my computer is whacked, and everything needs to be swept away and start fresh. The Flash drive can hold my precious uganda pictures too, which is important, because I am one crash away from losing it all.

I also bought the COOLEST thing: a laptop cooling pad!!! It was $20, and TOTALLY neccessary! My laptop gets scary hot, I am not sure what I am more scared of, the computer dying, or a fire!!! It seems to really work, and it feels nice on my legs :)

But thats not the end of the luxuries. I also bought a ION USB turntable. I have over a hundred records from my parents, and to not have a record player is a waste. This one is especially cool, because it lets me put records into MP3 form. How cool! I can listen to Joni Mitchell and Sweet Honey in the Rock on my new Ipod :)

This sounds odd, probably stupid, but I bought all those things today because I "had no choice." I have put off buying them for ages, because I hate spending a lot of money, but if I don't buy them now they will no longer be at Costco (they rotate products so you buy them right away instead of waiting) and my computer is going to die soon, inside and out, if I dont protect it.

Also, if I take an extravagant trip to India, then I dont want to take this computer. It was a huge blessing to have it in the airports during my trip to Uganda, to find out flight loads and for priceline.com (that saved me HUNDREDS!- and kept me from sleeping at the airport for 3 days!)

In the end, spending $600 might save me $1,000 (for my computer.) And I admit, I feel very happy to have these things, I just don't want to spend all my money, especially since my airline could be out of business in a year.

I have spent the money, and I feel fine about it. I trust myself that I am not going to go crazy with spending, I actually had to push myself to get these before they were gone (I was psyched about the ipod, but I thought it would be closer to 200 at costco- oh well, it will be, in a week or so, ha ha)

Friday, June 13, 2008

I'm so depressed I dont want to go to India

I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by everything. I am too overwhelmed to write anymore

Monday, June 09, 2008

Torrid Affair leads to weight loss

I think I am finally ready. I think I am finally ready to do the work to lose the weight again.

The groom's brother, who was only a groomsman, not the Best man, which would be a better cliche, was so freaking hot, I can't believe it. I could be writing about the amazing wedding, being with my amazing family, but apparently my vagina has more pull on my brain than my heart.

He arrived on day two. Glasses and hat, he was the perfect nerd. I heard voices in the hallway, I had a green face mask on, and so I opened the door and said "Welcome back guys!" this was his first impression of me. The perfect first impression.

I made a point to avoid looking at him. I suppose this is the normal response when you are attracted to someone. I am very attracted to the groom, and think he's a sweetie, so I am not sure if the initial attraction was because of phermones, or just wanting my own version of the nice boy groom.

We ran into each other as a group, and I barely acknowledged Jimmy. Again, it must have been a subconcious trick to avoid letting on my feelings, or it was a subconcious seduction. Not sure. It was subconcious.

Before the rehearsal dinner, the bride and I were on our way to the elevator, and there was this handsome guy in a button down shirt and dress pants. He is my dream boy, stuffy-ish business guy. Had married written all over him. The bride said "you are ready already?" and I assumed he was some cousin, or more likely, a husband of one of the cousins. After a few minutes of them talking, I realized it was Jimmy! WOW. He looked GUUUD. My eyes went right to the hands, and I was happy to see naked, naked ring fingers.

At the rehearsal I approached him. I told him that I didn't realize he was the same person. I said "I thought you had curly hair" instead of "I didnt realize you are fucking hot." He didnt remember my name (arse) and when I told him my real name, not my nickname, that everyone in the fam calls me, he was like "Ooh, thats so beautiful" ha ha

So at the rehearsal dinner I wanted to sit near him, but not be obvious. I sat with a seat between us, hoping enough people would show up that the group would move down. Instead, a few seats were open, so I moved over, by suggestion of the bride. While there Jimmy did a sweet speech, holding back tears, his mom was crying, and instead of going around the table and hugging her, he said to her: "eat your pie." He also ate a coconut shrimp for me, even though he doesn't like coconut.

to be continued...

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, THANK GOD

Nah. I'm kidding. But still, weddings stress me out. I wouldnt mind getting married or being married, but the whole planning a wedding just sounds bad to me.

I am in Baltimore, staying at my uncle's, the father of the bride, and ready for a few days of wedding fun. Did I mention I am the Maid of Honor? I haven't done much work, but I am happy to say I bet my toast will be better than anyone else could come up with :)

I hate non-rev traveling, but I love it once I am at my destination. This afternoon my spacy brain told me I had to leave at 12:30, when it was really 11:30 that I needed to leave, but in the end it was lucky, because there were tornados in Baltimore, so the later flight was preferable.
I need sleep more than I need to write, but I felt like commemerating the occasion.
AW crap! I just realized I am in a different time zone, so it's super late. CRAP!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Good Article (what should I look for in a guy?)

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/spiritualdating/4340/am-i-too-picky-when-dating

How not to help the homeless

Yesterday Emma and I walked to a coffee shop to plan our trip to Bangladesh/India, on our way a man "hard on his luck" asked for a dollar. I agree that you should never give a pan handler money, especially here in my city, where we have social services available. The reason I believe I should never give a pan handler money is they will likely spend it on an addiction, and some pan-handlers make a lot of money from pretending to be in dire need.

However, there is a basic principle. If a person needs food they need food. If they are an addict, then they REALLY need food, because they wont spend any money on food, only their addiction. So I have a policy if someone (In the US or Canada) begs, I will give them food, but never a penny.

So Emma gave him some spare change, and I said "I will buy you some food if you want" frankly expecting him to say no. Sadly, twice "hungry" people have told me no. "Could I have some money for food? No, I dont want your food, I want your money." So when the man said yes I was surprised.

There was an indian restaurant steps away with a menu out front. I was pointing out that there was some rice and dal (lentils) and I forgot that not everyone lived with a pakistani dude, so I accidentaly said "Dal" instead of "Lentils" and the guy started saying "Doll? Doll?" and said "Do they have a hamburger on there?" Emma pointed to a Super America across the street, and said "you can get a hotdog there" and I all three of us thought that was a great idea.

As we were walking in he asked if he could have something to drink, and I said "I can get some juice" and he said "No I dont like juice" and I am like, "fine, I can get some pop." So as I walk in I am planning to get him 2 hot dogs, a soda, and a salad. We approach the hot dog machine, and he points to some big hot dogs and says "I want those." I walked to the cooler and found some veggies and dip and approached him and made my bleeding heart speech "you dont have to eat these, just take them" and he said "I don't want that! I dont like carrots!" with such intensity I backed off on my "just take them" pledge.

So he is pointing to the big hot dogs, but they have a sign that says "not ready." so I say "eh, those arent ready, but those are" and he says "I dont want those ones, I want those." So my patience is being tested, and I say "look, my friend and I have things to do, I dont have time to wait for that" and he insists he will put it in the microwave, so I say fine. There is one bun, so I just get him one. He goes to get his orange pop, and I look Emma in the eye, and say "I know, I'm stupid" and he heard me.

So then he goes to the cooler with burgers and says "can I have this?" and I say "no" and he says "can I get some chips?" and I say "no." And he is standing in line with me and saying "your not stupid, your not stupid" and the more he says it, the stupider I feel. He says "can you just spare one extra dollar for the bus?" and I say "no." He says "your not stupid, you bought food for a hungry man" and I look at the hot dog and sunkist, and say "This doesnt really count as 'food'" and he kept blathering on, while I regretted not just walking by the jerk when he asked for money.

So I made the decision a few hours later, not only will I never give money to a panhandler, if I give them food, I will pick it out. I will offer them a turkey sandwich and salad (ranch dressing is fine) and if they say they dont want it I will say "okay, have a nice day!" and move on. I cant believe I let a jack-ass pressure me into paying for food that I don't believe in. Besides the protien in the hot-dog, giving that type of food to a person who's body is probably hurting from hunger & drugs/alcohol is like throwing money in the garbage. All it does is fills his hunger, and probably makes him sicker than he already is.

I look forward to providing healthy food to the next panhandler that approaches me, I can either get the warm fuzzy feeling of having given food to a person in need, or I can have another funny story about a person turning down food when they claim to be hungry.

Living with a transexual vegan can be tedious

One thing that makes me lucky, and makes being from a minority group unlucky, is that when you are in a minority group, and are often excluded and judged, you become obsessed with whatever your "title"/identity is. I am so gayed/transed/sexismed out. If your whole life is about how sexist/homophobic/racist whatever the world is, you see nothing else. I love getting to work and not hearing any statements about gay/transexual/or "women's" issues.

But the thing that is really annoying me, is the Vegan thing. Fine, you dont eat cheese, but you wont eat rice cheese, because it has casien in it? Or you wont eat smart balance margarine, you will only eat earth balance, because smart balance might have some tiny dairy product added to it? TIRING!

Honestly, i am just having a tiring week, and I am annoyed with her, like I would be with any roommate. If she were "the average" girl I would probably be annoyed with her being shallow. I suppose I can enjoy her veganism because I can stick my nose up at it while she is sticking her nose up at my eating style ;) And, she is inspiring me to eat more vegetables, which I love.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

"Love at First Sight" or "Fun with Ethnic Stereotypes"

I truly believe that love at first sight is possible. A person falls in love at first sight, and then they start a relationship, and fall in love for real eventually. Sometimes a person falls in love at first sight, and then they dont fall in love for real, but they forget that they fell in love at first sight, so it doesn't count. So any-whoo I fell in love at first sight this week.

My racist vagina has the hots for (east) Asian guys lately. It's not that my vagina only loves Asian guys, Asian guys are just added to the list of men who I have the hots for now. Now it's up to East Asian guys, South Asian guys, Europeans, Latinos and Middle-Easterners. My vagina is very cultured.

So this week a hot as hell Asian dude was on my plane. He kept smiling at me, and looking at me every time I walked by, and I was in mad, mad love. To add to my love for him he was reading some technical looking stuff, which meant he was a smartie. I chatted with him and all of a sudden heard a Latino type accent, and when I looked at his name on the manifest, and it was Jose Wong. OH MY GOD I AM IN LOVE! Based on never-inaccurate-ethnic-stereotypes he is the man of my dreams. Smart, ambitious & hard-working, like an Asian stereotype, and lusty and passionate like a Latino stereotype. If he asked me to marry him on the plane I would have said yes.

At the end of the flight he was still hanging around on the plane when everyone got off, so I said "last one off has to clean the plane" and we chatted a moment. He mentioned, without prompting, that he is Chinese, born in Mexico, and working in the US. I gave him my e-mail address, without being subtle at all.

I havent heard from him, and I just googled his name to find, he's married! Of course he is. But you know what? I now have gotten to look into the eyes of the man I love, once again, and all the heartbreak of learning of his wife aka "the other woman" is worth it.

I miss him. Hmmmmmmmmm

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

...you know, I'm pissed

Geez! Who asked him? I am back to feeling all low and fat and ugly, and for what?

Why did he have to say that fucking "no chemistry" crack? I felt plenty of chemistry! Fine, the first time he rejected me without my prompting he was just saying "I don't want to date anyone right now" still stung, but just in case, he had to clarify: "I am not attracted to you, did I mention that?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Maybe if I am not dating, I shouldnt be friends with guys either. Not if it means getting rejected out of nowhere. God, he really knew how to make me feel like shit.

Tonight put the "kwa" in awkward

I just got home from the comedy show...thank god I am home. Not sure if I wrote this on my blog, but I was invited by the guy I went on an online date with to go to a show with a famous comedian, at first he said he would go in drag (from a joke we had told) and once I had established that he was serious I got really excited about it, because I love the drag aesthetic, and I was excited to see what I could create (on both me and him.)

A week or so ago, on the same day I got an e-mail from Charles, he tells me he is not going in drag. I was REALLY disappointed, and I told him that, because I thought it was lame that he said he would do it, and then backed out, and then his response was the very weird: "You said you were just interested in being friends, thats what I want in my life right now." It wasnt that big of a deal to me that he wanted to be friends, but it came out of absolute nowhere (thats a BIG leap, me putting lipstick on him, to me dating him!) And being rejected when I didn't bring it up really caught me off guard, so it hurt more than normal. It was like being afraid you might get hurt if you go outside, so you stay home, then someone knocks on your door and punches you in the face.

He had invited me to have dinner beforehand, and I accepted, but I was at costco and didn't feel like rushing, so I called him back and told him we should eat dinner on our own. I also put an envelope full of money in his glove compartment. The show was only $60, thank heaven, but I still didnt want him paying for it. I offended him, but I dont care. If he felt it was so important to clarify that this wasnt a date, then we can happily go dutch. (He didnt even hold doors for me- yuck)

It was such a awkward time. I felt resentful, even though I thought I was doing pretty well at first, basically though, I didnt feel the need to make an effort this time, and the conversation, based on his skills, fell flat. I just wasnt in the mood, I just worked 6 days in a row, including my birthday. Things would have been just fine if he hadnt said "I just want to be friends, you so obviously wanted more since you wanted me to wear heels and false eyelashes." The way things were going before was very flirtatious and joking, but now I felt pressure to not show my undying love for him. I will be honest, I was probably feeling interested in him, but that doesnt mean he had to nip it in the bud, and if he was going to, at least he should have done it at a moment that made sense.

I am just glad the night is over. The comedian is/was okay. I can see why people love him, I certainly like him, but there are comedians out there that make me laugh much harder. The beginning was really annoying, the crowd was laughing so hard at everything he said, like kiss-ass laughs, but eventually people relaxed and laughed for real, and even groaned at his bad puns (3 times.) His response was pretty funny, he was like "you can go"

I know myself. I clam up if I have been hurt.

...ha ha, he just sent me a myspace message saying "I know we dont have chemistry, but we should definately hang out again" I am just like "speak for yourself DECK" (I guess I was attracted to him, especially tonight, it might be because I am horny) Thank you, thank you for ONCE AGAIN hurting my feelings when I didnt ask.