Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Kant sleep in Kalispell

This is the second, or third night that I am up worrying, regarding Wheelchair Dude. The first and second time I was worried he might like me. I wrote him an honest e-mail telling him I wasn't physically attracted to him, and his response said he was just fine with it, but he is coming on very strong, saying we'll be friends forever and being way "too much."

I really want to be his friend. He is a person who was born with a degenerative disease, likely will not live another decade, and chose to leave his comfortable home where he was taken care of by his parents and start a business. I, for one, am pretty impressed and pretty inspired by that. But I am afraid that he will be hurt. And I suppose it's disrespectful to think of him as vulnerable when he is an adult just like me, but on the other hand there is no question that a person who was disabled since a young child is going to have a different experience than me, so I just fear that---

You know what, it's not him I'm worried about, it's me...I am getting red flags, left and right about him. If he weren't handicapped I would run for the hills from him. Not out of fear of physical harm, but of his terrible boundaries. I am having anxiety about him because his boundaries are terrible, and he wants to suck me into his life and fill the hole of loneliness with me. It's clear as day.

So what is the best move? Run for the hills or tell him "Dude! When you are all clingy and shit, people don't like that" I already did that a little. He wrote me something about how "we owe it to ourselves to lay it all on the table" and I said "uh...thats not healthy, I learned that in therapy and, you should like, go there" (paraphrasing)

I think that's what I'll do. I will spell out my boundaries and if he crosses them I'll say "I don't want to be your friend because of this, this, and this. I imagine most people don't like that, so you shouldn't do that, that has nothing to do with your wheelchair."

And may I say one thing about this dude. He wants a "normal" woman to be attracted to him. I guess we all want that, but he wrote on a craigslist ad that women are shallow. Well he doesn't have disabled friends, nor does he date disabled people, so give me a break. Who's shallow?

Uh, I feel so much better having written this. Some people just have a vibe that puts me at ease, this guy has a vibe that makes me tense. Thats the energy sucker vibe. The bad boundaries vibe. My instincts are very good. They only fail me when I try to overrule them with my mind. I don't think this is going to end well. Well, maybe it will, but it wont if I don't assert my boundaries strongly.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Not every night is party night

I have to get up for work in the morning, but tonight was the first trance night that Juan's friends are set up, so I spent an hour getting ready, feeling less than sexy (the $20 dress from marshall's is not as cute as I remember it being) and went.

The music and atmosphere were fantastic, aparently the city's top DJ was there, but I couldn't get drunk, and there werent enough people there, so I felt very self concious. I left after only a half hour, but unfortunately I had already had a beer (waste of calories)

Well now I have to wash a pound of makeup off my face, and I will have to take a shower in the morning even though I had one this evening, since I have a gallon of hairspray in my hair.

Oh well. If I knew how lame tonight would be I wouldn't have gone, but I was so excited about it, and I am glad to know what it's like for next time (when hopefully more people will be there)


Sunday, October 28, 2007

Fantasy and Curiosity

I have acted out a number of my sexual fantasies before. Most of the time the fantasy was better than reality. I think that in most cases, unless it's with your long-term partner, fantasies are best left as fantasies.

My older man fantasy was going to remain that way, I was never going to go out looking for it, but "60 year old" presented himself, and this is one fantasy that can only be fulfilled as a young woman, because the whole appeal of the fantasy is the power dynamic between a younger beautiful woman, and an older, more dominant man. I can be with an old man when I'm old, but at that point the dynamic will be different, so it can only be fulfilled when I am young, (and I wont be considered young for very much longer!)

As I have written before, I have a genuine crush on 60 year old. He has a very peaceful aura around him, much like Charles. I addressed the Multi level marketing scheme he is involved with, and it turns out he is only wasting $25 a month, and he signed up to help his friend. I don't agree with it, but I don't think he's a sucker, like I thought before. We have chatted on the phone now twice, and while I am over the idea of a relationship (he's a republican, Catholic, and did I mention SIXTY???) I still would want to fulfill my older man fantasy with him.

I brought it up last night, I asked him if he was morally against sex without love, and he said "I do not have casual sex" I took this as him being unwilling, but then he said some other things that made me think I sparked his interest. Then, today, I worded it differently. I told him about my fantasy, but pointed out that I wouldn't go out looking for it, and I wouldn't want to be tempting him into something that felt immoral to him. He sounded intrigued, and pleased, but I am not certian it will happen. I think if it does happen, he is a good person for it to happen with. I think that if I were older, I would really want to date him, even though he is Republican.

One fantasy that wont be happening is with a guy in a wheelchair. OK, that's never been a fantasy, more of a curiosity of what it would be like. It started when I was studying Physical Therapy, I wondered "what would I do if a client liked me?" at the time I think I was too uncomfortable with myself to consider dating someone in a wheelchair, but as I have aged and become wiser to what matters, I can say if I could find what I am looking for in a man, and his penis worked, I could happily fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair. Isn't that funny? A working penis is more important to me than working legs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I met the wheelchair guy yesterday. He was better than I expected personality wise, but not attractive to me at all. He has Muscular Dystrophy, and he is very skinny, cant move his hands, and has a ventilator in his neck. His personality was not what I want really anyway, he talked about himself too much, but even if he had that buddha like personality that I want, I don't think I would want to go forward with it. I learned from my relationship with Charles that sex and sexual attraction is very high in importance, so I couldn't go forward with it, even if his personality was what I am looking for.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

30 year old woman rejected by a 60 year old man- HA!

You heard me right. My 60 year old does not want sex with a woman half his age. What has the world come to?

I probably wont follow through with this fantasy, because I think what was attractive about this man was his sweetness and his sweetness is probably the reason he doesn't have casual sex. Probably the older guys who would want to have sex with me would not deserve me. I'll live.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


It's about 2:30 AM. My insomnia makes sense right now, because I have been staying up so late recently, but I am tossing and turning here at the hotel. I came downstairs because I thought writing out what is on my mind might help, but there is a REALLY annoying REALLY flamboyant guy in the room. He reminds me of my old roommate, and he's loud, and annoying, so I am not feeling more calm.

Here's what's stressing me, I was reading craigslist for fun, and this guy was writing about how women are shallow and wont date him because he's disabled. I wrote him a compassionate note with suggestions (including dont look for dates on Craigslist) and for some reason I kept the conversation going.

I think it's for the same reason I like to meet people from different countries and social groups, I thought it would be interesting to meet a disabled person and if their cool, be friends. But why didn't I think of the complications???

I'm a woman, he's a desperately horny man. I can't be positive but I think I have seen a few ad's from him and he sounded desperate. So now I am meeting him, with a normal (hopefully) attitude about meeting someone, but he is coming in eager, with little experience (I imagine) and he is going to have no game and I am going to be annoyed and never want to hang out with him again.

Swear to god, I could fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair, if he was completely normal mentally. But how "normal" mentally can you be if you have spent your whole life being so different? I just want to have coffee and talk about music, and maybe even physical therapy. But he has already showered me with compliments over the e-mail, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Not because he's in a wheelchair, because he's coming on too strong.

I want to take away everyone's pain. I have pity dated people before, just trying to boost them up, and sometimes it really worked, but at my expense. I am having major anxiety about this, and I have learned in life that it's important to follow my instincts.

So what do I do? I will for sure workout before meeting him, because it will make me calmer. But what do I do to calm myself tonight? Generalized Anxiety disorder is a bitch, and I think even though the risperdal made me gain weight, I will gain just as much weight from the extra anxiety without it.

Can't win.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I like streaking

20 minutes walking a day. Every day. No days off.

I want to get a streak going.

Yes, in normal circumstances, taking rests is healthy, but I am just talking a walk, not a run, or anything else hard core. And If I want to do yoga or stretching or weights instead of walking, thats fine, but it has to be every day.

I feel like I can do this, and a streak gets me motivated, because you just want to build on it.


Farting Girl

Oh, and tonight I was walking to our rooms with the pilots, and I was saying something and just let out the juicyest fart ever.

I laughed my ass off for 2 minutes straight. I think laughing was the best way to deal with it, because we were all laughing.

I pray they don't tell this story as a funny antecdote on trips. I dont want to be known as the farting girl! GOD how embarrassing!

I feel popular!

Guess what???

I am number 3 on the myspace friend's list for last week's music festival! I think this has to do with the wife of the co-organizer. I suppose as the roommate and buddy of the creator of the festival, it makes some sense now. (But Juan's myspace is way on the bottom, it should be number 1! [I sent a subtle hint about that to them])

I have a coffee date with a music management company owner next week, and he is taking on new bands, there was one I love in particular (a few, really) so maybe I can bring them together! Thing is, this guy is coming on VERY strong, so I am a little concerned that he might be annoying. I really dont want to hurt his feelings, & I am not ready for a boyfriend right now, and if I was- the hard sell never works on me. I'm too easily spooked. I just hope he will be okay with being friends, becuase it would be so cool to have another person to go to concerts with.

Well I need to go to bed now. I have been staying up SOOO late lately (but it's been so fun!) Juan is just what I needed in my life, he's like a husband & a gay boyfriend & a life coach all wrapped into one. I am leading a blessed life.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Up till 5AM, two nights in a row.

I came to this coffee shop specifically to write this blog post. I planned for it to be long and detailed about my amazing night last night.

I wrote a great post about it on my myspace, but I don't want to copy that verbatim on here, because it shows my identity too much. And you know what, I no longer have the steam to write a post about it, but maybe I will when I am back home, laying in my bed.

It was a great night. I met talented musicians with great personalities. I got re-inspired to explore my creativity, and to learn spanish.

I also remembered why it is that I love the "alternative" circle & the counter culture. Sometimes I feel excluded by them, sometimes I feel more included by mainstream people, but creative artistic people are the ones who inspire and excite me.

I also noticed that white Americans are sometimes embarrassing. All people are, but we have an oblivious nature that makes me shake my head.

I feel very happy, and so happy that I have a friend like Juan. It was another good night.

Big Ego

There is a guy at the coffee shop who kept looking up in my direction. I thought to myself "He loves me." Well just now I came up the stairs and saw him looking up in the same direction- at a girl right past my seat. ha ha

Saturday, October 20, 2007

End of the 60 year old crush- thank god

This whole 60 year old crush thing has been terribly confusing to me, fortunately he gave me a reason to not have a crush anymore. It seems he is falling for a multi-level-marketing scheme. I think if you can fall for those, you don't think in the same way I do.

I sent him a message telling him my opinion about MLM, he said that he feels there was a reason we met, maybe this is part of it. He has told me about CASA, and now I have been able to help him (hopefully) too.

Now instead of a strange, taboo relationship, we can have a normal, beneficial friendship. Maybe I will fulfill my older man fantasy, but if so I will do it in the context of a "torrid affair" not a relationship. Still a little kinky, but much more normal.

The Female Pickup Artist

Thats me YALL!

Alright, I am not going to go so far as to say I "picked up" the HAWTEST guy in the WORLD, but I think I had his attention, HE SURE GOT MINE!!!

Flying with chemistry/hatred pilot really wore me down today. This morning I was tired and cranky, and he had said for the hundreth time how he hates my state and all the taxes and liberals and I snapped at him and told him "if you hate it so much why dont you do us all a favor and switch bases" I said it with the hatred and intensity of a divorced couple. We bickered in the van to the airport for 5 minutes, and finally I figured out he gets off on conflict, and was going out of his way to upset me (he even tried to hurt my feelings, indirectly suggesting that my career isnt taking me anywhere- purely mean.) I finally said, "you know, we dont need to have this discussion. All we need is to operate the plane safely" a professional statement, but after I had already called him a dumbass. Did I mention he is the captain, as in "Pilot in Command" ???

This EXTREMELY negative guy really brought me down. I did a great job of keeping my spirits up, but I am on my period, and I am only human, so my mood slipped a little. Emma is leaving for Bangladesh in 4 days so she had a party. I DID NOT want to go. My mood was sour, and I often feel like an outsider amongst her mostly lesbian friends from her college. I spent an hour or so at home, just trying to get in the mood, and I knew I would be cheered up by The Pickup Artist Wingman Auditions youtube video.

That was linked to other Pickup artist stuff, and then I watched some guy named "Meow" or something, who's system or whatever is very similar to Mystery, but a little less smarmy. I watched it for awhile, and could really see myself in it a bit. Thats how charasmatic I am, I sometimes already do things that are being TAUGHT on a tape. Of course I am joking in the way I say it, but really, I should take pride in the fact that I DO have good social skills, GREAT ones in fact, I just need to learn how to get into that mode where they come out.

Eventually I got my head in the game, and I got my mojo on. Inspired by the reminder that I CAN work a room, if I am just relaxed and confident, I threw some earrings on and was ready to rock.

I arrived at the party and was fortunately welcomed by a nice lesbian right away. Emma and my former roommate Shane was there too, and he's a shy guy, so I sat with him and chatted most of the night. While we were chatting HE walked in...*the clouds part, and the angel arrives* There is a lotion commercial where a woman falls into the arms of a Moroccan looking guy, curly long black hair and a large nose. UH! HE WAS SOOOOOOO HOT!

So being the pickup artist I am, I just acted like I didn't notice him at all. I just went about my business. When Shane left I went into the kitchen with Emma. We bonded, especially because she was a drunk arse. I tell you what, I loved it. She is often very reserved, so it was so fun to see her happy and outgoing. We all moved to the living room, and then I casually asked him "how do you know Emma?"

Apparently he looked lost at a bus stop, and she let him use her phone. They hit it off, and this is the second time she met him. Him and I vibed. I sounded smart and positive, we had a lot in common- or at least I could hold my own. He is a professor in music theory, and has a band with a marxist message!

He just seems like an ideal man. Passionate yet a fan of monogamy. Honestly, I cant think of ANYTHING in the conversation that turned me off about him. He is pretty much ideal.

At about 3:30 we the got in my car and I came up with the awesome idea to ask him if his band has a myspace. I told him I will find it and add him as a friend. This way I avoided any weirdness in the end, it was brought up and the subject changed to social networking sites. The best part of this is, I add his band as a friend, and then I leave it. I haven't really made a move, but I left it open for him to. If he doesn't, I haven't been rejected. GENIUS!!!

Once he left the car Emma said "you like him!" to which I responded "I LOOOOOOOOOOVE HIM SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!" God he is SOOOO FOINE!

So even if I am not a pickup artist, I had a great time talking to my friend and the hottest guy at the party (did I mention he stayed after everyone left, until it was just the 3 of us) it was good for my confidence, and I will need that because tomorrow is Juan's concert, and he gave me staff credentials!!! I might meet & hang out with the bands, in fact, I think that is probable!!! Woo hoo!

It's 5:16 AM by the way. I'm the shiz-nay-ahhht!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Chemistry is a dirty whore

Remember when I posted about going to Chinatown in Toronto, with my crew, one of them being my crazy captian? I think I titled it "I can make out with my captain if I want to"

Well we are flying together again. And I hate him HATE him...and am very attracted to him.

It makes me sick. I am so attracted to him, but his personality is so vile I wanted to pour ice water on him at the restaurant today. He is an awful, and very disturbed person!

I am so glad I didn't end up dating him like I almost did a few years ago.

This 60 year old thing is going TOO FAR!

I just got another e-mail from my 60 year old. He sent me a picture. He looks adorable, and 60. He's wearing 60 year old person's clothes and 60 year old person's sunglasses. Yet, I find myself crushing on him still.

One thing that should stop me, since (for some REDICULOUS reason) the fact that he IS SIXTY hasn't stopped me, is he is Catholic. Catholics end up with Catholics in the end and I would never, ever, convert to Catholicism. Maybe I would try to, but the priest would see right through me. He (never she) would know I wasn't one of them by the look in my eyes when he'd say "Jesus is good- all other religions ARE DOOMED TO HELL! FEAR GOD! FEAR JESUS! FEAR ME! BWAH HA HA HA!" (<----thats the sort of thing that Catholic priests say, right?)

And of course, there is the sex thing, but he used to teach martial arts, so he could be in good enough shape that it still works (and that he is healthy enough that he could get "medical assistance" if necessary) And I have been reading about it, and it seems that men that age still have sex (and did you know that women just get more and more horny as they age??? Poor me! I will be a monster!) But again, he is Catholic, so even if it works, he might not believe in using it.

But those rational arguements aside, I just think- well duh!- that it is peculiar that I have a crush on such an old-ass guy. So what could the reason be? The first one is very easy- "Daddy Issues" I got 'em. I have lost a father figure in my life, because my dad's depression and anxiety have led him to bad choices, so he is not a role-model to me, and our strong bond broke during the 13 years he was constantly drunk. My crush appears to be responsible and healthy- a perfect father figure.

This leads to issue number 2- security. He is 60 years old, he is fully formed. I don't have to wonder if he will end up a screw up, I think "what you see is what you get" with someone at that age. He has his life together, so I would not have to go through the phase where we eat ramen noodles while we struggle and work too many hours to pay the mortgage for the too-big house we bought and are now stuck with because the market is so bad. Also, naively, I feel that he'd be less likely to cheat on me, but that has more to do with his personality than his age...he just seems to be a warm, kind person.

And then there is reason number 3...I am too damn old for my age. I am a fucking weirdo. Remember New-York-Name-Dropper-Man? Well I was 24 and he turned out to be 49 (lied and said he was 42) He was the first time I had entertained the idea of an older man, I just felt a connection with him that I had never felt with a man of my age. I felt like he understood me. I have had a weird life, so how can I find someone who understands me? Someone a little older has had more experiences, and hopefully more wisdom. And the demeanor that my crush has, appears wise.

Oh, and reason number 4. I'm lonely, and I felt nice when I talked to him. You know who else I felt nice when I talked to him? Charles. They both have "The Buddha Nature" it's this calm, serene thing that puts me at ease. (And I know it's weird, but I got turned on when my crush was asking me out! WEIRD!)

Funny thing is, I don't think my friends would judge me. I think they would say "Thats Diana for you" and discuss it behind my back (thats what we do, but not in a bad way.) They have already said they picture me ending up with an older man, but when they said "older" I dont think they meant "older than our fathers"

If I am not thinking about my age, I am just getting such a crush. We will see each other at the beginning of November, so I can see how the people stare, and see if I have the guts to deal with it. My question is...why doesn't he think it's weird???

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Oprah confronted Tom Cruise!!!

My Depression

So do I feel sad right now? No. But I do feel "Anhedonia" and "Psychomotor Retardation" I'm lazy and bored.

I did drink 3 glasses of wine last night, I wonder if that has anything to do with it today. All I know is I need to start eating better and working out. I don't want to get depressed again!

...Then again, my boobs hurt like crazy, maybe this is PMS?

I slept until 3:45PM

Depression? Bad diet? Grey sky?

Soulja Boy

Monday, October 15, 2007

$6 drunk

You know whats great about being on antidepressants? I'm a cheap drunk. 3 glasses of wine and I am pretty tipsy!

I just went out with one of the 90210 girls! I will call her Jenn. She was very normal and nice, as was her friend Hallie.

I also got a text from Kelsey, I waited a day or two to respond, and she didn't respond back, but at least I wasnt blown off, like I thought, from either girl.

Here's the one thing, I have terrible acne on my chin. It's a combo of bad food habits and bad skin-care habits, as it gets grey out I am getting LAZY!

I am hardly typing well.

Here is the message I got from Ashram today:

Thank you for sending this mail. Sorry,i had not seen this mail earlier than today or else i would not have texed you the message. Thanks again for calling me "Selfish". I tried my best and humble way to treat you but either as said it might be my communication or your thinking that is not working. There are many reasons to fight and disagree upon as you are right now but therehas to be many more ways to be cordial and bring happiness. You told me that i hurted you three times right!!!(Unintentionally!!)

* When you told bad about people who work in the mall, I haven't taken any offence.
[I told him I think it's bad business practice to accost people in the mall, trying to put lotion on their hands]
* When i went back to india due to my grandma's demise, you had never been there,I haven't taken any offence. [First I heard of this]
* You are saying "selfish", I haven't taken any offense.
[I don't remember saying "selfish" maybe it was some other girl who hates him]
* Non-Agreement on any thing, I haven't taken any offense.
[Read: Not aggreeing with everything I say, & speaking up]
* Hanging phone on my face not once but twice, I haven't taken any offense.
[Only once, on a day he wouldn't let me go when I clearly told him I wanted to...he has hung up on me twice]

I am happy with the way i treat every single person unless what they are interpreting? I like my friends irrespective of their status, nature, attitude or anything in good or bad thats why i believe they care for me(Either at my grandma's funeral or my brothers wedding). I never choose people for my benefit in the name of any relationship or friendship.

Thanks and Best of Luck,
May God bless you with all the happiness and fulfill all your dreams.

"Friendship is about letting other friend express themselves and help them in being good not about leaving the hand in time of need"

[Big loss- lunatic!]

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I love You Tube

I got some tounge action today

Gosh! I don't post anymore, and when I do, I just dont give the rediculous detail that I used to. What's the deal with that? There are bigger things for me to be worried about, but I still wish I was writing more about my silly life, it's so fun to read about it later on and say "no way was that my life!"

Today Juan took me to a babtism party, wow, come to think of it, it was his neice. Well remember, Juan is Mexican, so this party was middle class Mexicans, and Mexicans speak...Spanish.

Yup, I spent hours at a party listening to people speaking Spanish. This is what it sounded like to me "weekend"..."then"..."yes"..."D.F."..."grandfather" and so on, and so on. I was impressed with the amount I could understand, but it wasn't enough for me to enjoy myself.

Right away when we arrived I met the Argentine sister of a man I met at a networking party the other night (where everyone spoke english except the nervous white guy trying to impress everyone with his Spanish.) She seemed to not like me, but she was speaking in english (as a courtesy to me) and she was discussing the fact that she has Lupus. She left early and I wonder if she just has a hard time of things in general, and that it wasn't personal.

After speaking with Juan and the Argentine woman for awhile I was so cold that I decided to go buy a sweater. Yes, I realize this is weird, but in the middle of October I didn't know we would be having the party OUTDOORS! I returned back with an adorable white cable knit sweater that I got for $6 at Saver's and Juan brought me to the food, he told me I should start with Menudo, a soup, to warm up.

The lovely mother of the babtised child started dishing up the soup for me, and instead of giving me lots of broth, she gave me lots of meat, I could tell from where I was standing, I did not want this meat...I looked closely at the heavy bowl and saw sticking out of the broth BONE MARROW AND TOUNGE!!!

I was very mad at Juan at this point. He knew from a trip to a taco store that I am not brave enough to eat tounge. He could have warned me, so I could just take some broth. But he didn't, so here I was, with this bowl FILLED with tounge, about to look extremely rude.

I sipped the broth, which tasted awful by the way, LIKE TOUNGE, and tried to wash away the taste with chips, lime, onions and cilantro. After 10 minutes I whispered in Juan's ear that he had to trade soups with me so I didn't look rude. He did eventually, but his cousin saw it. I had some chicken tacos afterward which were good.

I listened to more Spanish conversation, and watched 6 kids jumping and roughhousing on a trampoline with 4 springs gone. I cringed as I imagined all of the potential spinal damage that could happen to those children, but I also cringed at the fact that these children are active, and have fun, where my children will be under my anxious thumb, always worrying about them getting hurt.

The kids were very cute. There was one game where the adults threw quarters in the air, and the kids all chased after them. One boy hurt his hand and was crying, and a little boy gave him his quarter. I was watching them, thinking, "what a group of nice kids" and then an older kid started chasing after a younger one, trying to get his money. Oh well, what a group of MOSTLY nice kids.

Later the pinata was put on a string. And the kids got in a circle around it, while an uncle waved it above one child's head, who tryed to hit it with a stick. The group chanted a cute little song that everyone knew, and when the song was over, someone else took a turn. I asked what the chant meant, and a woman said "hit the pinata or we will hit you in the head" I looked online for the chant, and didn't find that, so I will have to double check with Juan.

I got too impatient to wait for the cake. It was 8 at night and we were STILL outside! I left and Juan walked me to the car. He said people probably didn't realize I don't speak spanish. I was just happy to leave. It wasn't torture, but I really didn't have any fun. I felt excluded.

I spent a few hours at Target, TJMaxx, Famous Footwear and Kohl's. I got a sweater jacket for only $22, I was so excited, and though I found some knee high boots for $22, I decided man-made might look cheap, and it's easy to look cheap in knee high boots, so I decided to pass until I find a better pair.

I got home and wrote an e-mail to the 60 year old. You know what's embarrassing? Stupidly, I have this crush on him. But I am obviously forgetting that we would look WEIRD together, and his penis is probably tiny (he is a short Chinese man) and probably stopped working 15 years ago! Not to mention, I would get frustrated by his old person habits, and he would find me immature. He just had a nice smile, and seemed/seems so smitten. I guess thats what I want, someone responsible & mature, with a nice smile, who is smitten with me...AND has a LARGE, HARD penis. And after all of this, once again, can I remind you Diana, YOU WOULD LOOK REALLY WEIRD TOGETHER!

Now it's nearly one and I'm not tired at all. I had 2 cups of coffee at the party, because it was OUTDOORS IN OCTOBER! So now what? I dont know. I certianly am not going to clean.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Airline Trick

Here's the trick that the airlines play on get low pay, difficult hours, and more and more work is piled upon you as jobs are cut, but you get free travel!

Yaaaaay free travel! Who could beat that???

It's a trick.

I wanted to go to Arizona this weekend, I have a long string of days off. Well there are no open seats on any of the flights!!! Many of them are overbooked!

So you get free travel IF you can get time off, money for food and lodging, and onto a flight.

And if you can get on a flight somewhere...good luck getting home!

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Camera adds 10 pounds

Juan just e-mailed me a cute ad he made of me as a bauch and lomb model. It's very cute, but he put it next to a real model (I am sure it made sense to him why he did it, it look like he spent some time on it)

All I can think of is how fat I am.

It's really disappointing. I don't look that fat in the mirror. I have a photographer/graphic artist using photoshop and all those tricks, and I still look fat.

I think it would have been better if he hadn't put the pic of the real model next to mine.

How ungrateful of me (at least he e-mailed it to me, instead of showing it to me in person, where he would see my disappointment.)

UPDATE: AAAH, I get it, he made it look like it was a magazine that had been opened, one page with a model on it, the other page with my "ad" on it. It's so sweet. I will be gracious- in the morning when I'm done pouting

Sunday, October 07, 2007

I was right (of course I was)

A few days ago before a trip, I complained about not having enough energy. I said "I just wish I had more-" and then I realized that was completely within my control. If I want more energy, I should eat more vegetables, less fat, and excercise more!

Well, I am not excercising much, but I have reintroduced lots of veggies into my diet. I feel great! The other day I ate a sandwich covered in tons of veggies, and I felt like a million dollars! And when I eat a sleeve of Pringles, or something fried- I feel DEPRESSED!

So depressed people- start by switching from white carbs to whole grain. Then add lots of veggies to your diet. Then try to cut out the mayo & cream sauces. If you really want to feel good, get rid of the cheese too, but a little cheese isn't so bad, if it helps you stick to healthy eating. Eat slowly and drink lots of water (not sugar pop, or even diet pop) You will be amazed at how you feel!

If you have the problem of eating too few calories, try eating more (from healthy sources, whole grains, vegetables & lean protiens) you will feel healthier, and you wont have to worry about gaining weight, because these are things that are great for your health, and will rev up your metabolism instead of slowing it like starving yourselves.

The best part of Weight Watchers was not the weight loss, it was recognizing the effects food have on my mood and energy. If you are depressed, please give this idea a chance! Candy and greasy food makes you feel pleasure for a second, but if you eat more than a bite or two, it makes you MORE depressed.

Now I need to practice what I preach with excercise!

SIDE NOTE: Apparently omega 3s may help depression, bipolar, ADHD & about a million other things. Get it from fish oil pills, not flax oil, because your body absorbs them better. I suggest an "odorless" type, or you can keep them in the freezer, otherwise you get fish burps.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

I'm not horny anymore

Those were a weird two days! My brain was sicko! I am guessing I must have been ovulating.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out the cause of the hornyness. I started taking fish-oil pills, I baked and ate a lot of chocolate cupcakes, could these be the reasons?

Juan and I also did a photo shoot. It was SOOOOO FUN! His lights flash when the picture is taken, we have a lot of fun so I got into it and enjoyed it, unlike with my dad's friend the russian guy, his personality was so annoying. I wonder if the photo shoot might have gotten me excited, I think that Juan, for the first time, realized I am pretty, so maybe that bit of attention got me excited. Who knows.

I would say I am glad it's over, but I'm not 100% glad. It was sort of fun, though it frightened me a bit, because I didn't want to do something I'd regret. Like with a pilot. Like I was so ready to do this week.

Tell you what...being horny makes you attractive to men! I liked that part :)

Friday, October 05, 2007


Ladies and gentleman, my life is very good right now. I have had so many fun times, and I should really be blogging about them, so I can hold on to the fun for a lifetime, but I am not doing that enough.

Tonight I went to a networking event that Juan organizes. It was fun, and people like me.

I want to go to bed now. I didn't eat enough today (bad planning) so I went home at about 11. Fortunately I drove fine.

Off to bed...I wish I was sharing more, maybe tomorrow

Italian Stallions & Sugar Daddies

I have the hots for Italian Guido types. Have I ever gone down that road? No. Am I allowed to use a pejorative term like Guido when I am middle class and not Italian? Probably not. But I think racism towards a white person is a little more forgivable so please let me get on with being really objectifying...

Those big, muscular, dumb as a board types...make me melt. What is weird is the ghetto black man, pretty much the same in every way, doesn't appeal to me. But those Italian stereotype guys. UH! God they make me horny!

I have been looking at Craigslist again, but it's just for fun. I'm not going to have any one night stands with strangers. But OH BOY! There is this man on Craigslist, he is requesting a no strings attached hook up! He is just there, asking for sex! Its not like he is on the plane, and I would have to flirt with him and try to show I was interested and wait for him to invite me out, no- he is there- easy to get- requesting sex!

Isn't this like having cookies or potato chips in the house? You know they aren't good for you, but you have them anyway, because they are there and they are SO GOOD!

Maybe I should contact him. He is a sexy young buck. I should have more memories of sexy young bucks in my head, for when I get older. Who knows.

Speaking of age differences, I have an older man fantasy that I am planning to follow through with if given a good opportunity. The fantasy involves being young and pretty, and being with an older, but powerful and dominant man. I want to follow through with it because I can only do it when I am young. When I am an older woman with an older man it will be a different dynamic, so I know my time is limited.

Funny thing is, I may have met someone to have this fantasy with. This cute little asian man, probably in his late 50's chatted with me during the flight and late in the flight said "I am very taken by you" and invited me to coffee.

We exchanged e-mail addresses and I can't believe I am saying this, but I was genuinely attracted to him! It was his smile, his confidence (An old-ass man like that thinking he has a chance with a woman half his age???) and his approach were all appealing to me. He seemed like a shy boy as he asked me, and it made me feel special to hear "I find myself taken by you."

Now heres the thing...if you are going to go into that murky territory...older man, younger woman better have a plan. I think it is a natural move for an older man to want to give material things to compensate for his age, and I think it's a natural move for a...well...human being, to want to get material things. But if you don't have a set of standards, you are at risk of becoming basically a prostitute, let's face it. I am not saying I am opposed to prostitution in all cases, I just personally don't want to be one.

For one there has to be genuine attraction and enjoyment of eachothers company. If you think he is fat and gross, or hate his jokes, but pretend to like them because he gives you stuff, that is exchanging sex for money.

I think gifts & cash are inappropriate, but things like fancy dinners, or activities are appropriate, because they are shared experiences. Gifts like lingere count as a shared experience too, because both people get to enjoy them. I guess jewelry counts too. Ha ha. Just kidding.

Another important boundary is that the power dynamic must be equal. If the woman (or should I say less financially endowed person) has opinions, preferences, limits, these must be respected as in any relationship. And lastly, as always, dating a married person is never, ever, in any circumstances, okay.

This man was on his way to a Catholic retreat, so any kinky ideas I have may be compeletly in my head, never to happen. But that is okay. I was touched by the way he approached me and if I instead have coffee with a smiling man who says I have "something about me" that is pretty cool too. (And a little less taboo)

Hey- don't judge me!- It's not like I invite Italian strangers to my house for adult activities! Even though I want to.

Monday, October 01, 2007

I am so glad I'm not a man

How do men stand having penises? How can they survive, being so horny all the time? I am rediculously horny lately. I guess this is a good thing, right? It's a sign of depression and anxiety being reduced, but I feel like I am going to pop!

Now is the time I should see my therapist. I have been looking at craigslist (just for fun, not seriously) and looking at the ads. People are into some prety crazy stuff! I would be lying if I said it didn't excite me to fantasize about it. There are a few guys on there offering "free erotic massage" one claims to be a former professional massage therapist, that sounds pretty good to me, a free massage, with a happy ending! But come on. Fortunately I know better than that now. I am so lucky that in my wilder days I didn't get raped, killed, or an STD (I used protection, but things break, and condoms dont protect from everything)

I am hoping I can turn this energy into a good thing. Maybe it will inspire me to focus on my health more, and to be brave enough to try dating again. God I hope so.