Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Ima big shot

I am at a hotel about to head to bed.

Today I went to a union steward training class, and I went out to a restauraunt afterwards with the group, a lawyer paid for our meals, and good thing...I think mine must have come to $60!!!

I chatted with a Union bigwig who's nephew is a well known Senator. He liked me because I didn't kiss up quite as much as everyone else, and I asked him advice on how to order a meal from a crazy restauraunt that charges for asparagus what I would pay for an entire meal at my kind of restaurant. The union leaders seemed very impressed. They raved about how they loved me. I enjoyed that.

Bigwig was very persistant that I contact this guy in my home state about a political organization he is starting. I know to succeed in life its not what you know its who you know, and I just got one hell of a contact, but I do NOT CARE to follow up. I will though, because I think it would offend him if I didn't (and I will see him at the next union things)

What a night. I have my opinions about one of the Vice Chairs of the union, and it's fair to say that the group is a little wild and crazy, but I want to see if I can get past the judgement and personality differences, and work together towards the greater cause, making my company a better place to work.

I don't know how I feel right now. I feel a little wary, like I am going to be pushed to be more involved than I want (this happened in my political incarnation of my life) It's really a compliment that I get pushed like that, it means people see something in me, but I need to know how to assert my limits.

What a night. A fun one, I can say that much at least.

mood: very uncertian

Hey thanks!

Thank you to those of you who still read and comment, even though I haven't been good at reading and commenting on your sites, or responding to your comments.

They are noticed, and really appreciated :)

Saturday, March 18, 2006

My Liberal White Brethren

I just returned home from a screening of the film "Water" by Deepa Mehta at the museum I just quit. The theme of the movie was to let your concience and compassion win when it conflicts with your faith. It also demonstrated the way people use faith to benefit themselves. The movie took place in India in 1938, it had very tragic elements to it, but it was easier to swallow since there have been 60+ years for things to improve. The director was there for the screening, which was a nice surprise. At the end she took questions.

As soon as I got there I felt uncomfortable right away. People have SUCH attitude there. I saw the ushers telling other people to go to the other door, so as I approached the door I looked at my ticket to see if my seats were at this entrance or the other. I cant explain it, but I just hated the way the ushers were. They, like so many people there, just acted SO self-important. I found Emma (yes! my old roomate Emma) and sat down, looking at the group I was surrounded by. I felt like I was floating on an ocean of egos.

During the film you could hear huffs and groans at the appropriate parts, as if people were announcing "I am aware that that was a tragic moment." I overheard a woman whispering to her friend "I already knew what was going to happen" a feat that was not spectacular enough to announce. When the Director was answering questions, heads nodded furiously, so they could properly display that they knew and aggreed with what she was saying.

The most embarrassing of them all was, to me, the announcer. The over-defferencial way she addressed the director, to me, seemed condescending. She tried so hard with her questions, with one she went on and on about a young actress, when the appropriate thing, in my opinion, would have been to ASK about the actress, and let the director rave about her.

In the end, I think the Director came out on top. Someone asked a weird question, like (paraphrasing) "What other issues are there in India?" she basically said (very politely) "how about instead, focusing on the problems in your own back yard" to which a Hindi speaking audience member followed with Bolly-Bolly (or Bali-Bali) whatever that means.

I felt so embarrassed about the behavior of my people, the white liberals. Geez, you don't get to be celebrated for being not-ignorant. I am hopeful that what I was witnessing was the attitudes of my parent's generation. Perhaps they are the next step of progress from their parent's generation. The 60's was a big step, but we still have a way to go, and my generation is just another step forward.

In the end it will be hard to remove American whites' feeling that they are somehow more special than anyone else. Why? Because take away that specialness, that feeling that we have our shit together and the rest of the world (including other Americans) just can't get it together, thats why things are as they are, we have nothing. When the Europeans came to America they were told to throw away their culture, that their identity was now "American" nothing else, so now all that whites have is our consumer culture, and that intoxicating feeling that we are special. And, just in case the people around us arent aware of that specialness, we will nod our heads vigorously to let them know.

mood: special

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Dear Tera,

When you moved in, I worked really hard to make you feel at home. I tried to play music that both of us like, politely bantered with you when I had no interest in socializing, and said "yes" to your suggestions, so you could feel like it's your place too, since a person could possibly feel like a guest if they move into a fully furnished apartment.

I let it go when you used our shared Netflix to order "The count of Monte Cristo" both discs, so there were no alternative movies to order. I let it go that you wouldn't return "Rize" or "Hustle and flow" becuase you wanted to watch them 3-10 times, meaning no other movies in our queue could come until they were returned. I even let it go that you moved my excercise DVD down the list. But for you to return my excercise CD, before I could even use it, is beyond insulting. The worst part is you owe me $900 dollars, I am PAYING 100% of the Netflix, and you had the audacity to return the DVD I chose, and havent even used yet.

You should feel so lucky you weren't here when I got home. I was so enraged that I would have probably said things you might not forgive me for. I am starting my period, and I went without medication for 4 days, but they are only the catalyst that has brought out feelings I have had built up.

I have decided to assert stronger boundaries. I should have done this right away, but I was afraid you would read it as unfriendly (perhaps a sign that I perceive weak boundaries in you.)

1. I want rent and utilities on the first of every month. It was my fault for not asking you to pay me, but if I were in your shoes I would have asked a few days before the 1st how much I owed. It's just common courtesy.

2. I don't want to pay $100 a month for full use of your car. I think you should still let me use it to get groceries, if not, you should pay for 1/2 of the internet costs.

3. Please refrain from unconstructive complaining. Saying "America Sucks" doesn't accomplish anything except impose your foul mood onto me. When I reframe things you say from negative and hopeless to empowering, it's not to cheer you up, its to protect myself from absorbing that unhealthy thinking.

4. P.S. I am not going to say this to your face, but miss, you are a student with a part time job, what the fuck are you spending $20 a month on face wash, and using MAC makeup and Aveda shampoo for? Earth to Tera, you arent rich, you cant afford that kind of luxury.

-------turns out it was under a blanket! Sure glad I didn't blow up at her!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


It's probably the sixth or seventh evening I have spent with Charles, and while the sex has gotten progressively better each time, this time was very good! The biggest part is thanks to a birth control I have found so I am not freaking out every second worrying about the condom breaking. I relaxed, and it was nice.

I feel so hopeful. I was afraid that every thing was there except that crucial chemistry. I felt warm fuzzies when I would think of him but not butterflies. I was very concerned that I wouldn't be able to muster up enthusiasm forever for being with him. Turns out, I just need to RELAX. And I am going to be patient with myself. OF COURSE I am going to have a hard time relaxing with him. He has long term potential. He has love potential. Thats freaky. No need to push myself any faster than I can naturally go.


mood: glowy, a little anxious

Monday, March 06, 2006

Kirby Puckett, Rest in Peace

Sunday, March 05, 2006

She runs hot and cold

Last night myself, my "sister" Linda, and her co-worker participated in an event where we raced down a hill on an inflatable mattress to raise money for an organization that helps people in transition with furniture, especially beds.

We wore our pyjamas with several layers underneath. Over the pyjamas we wore bathrobes with wing-shaped wire hangers covered in white pantyhose pinned to the back, and black pantyhose stuffed with crumpled newspaper as legs pinned to the front. On our heads we wore wire with foam balls on the ends, with our hats holding them in place. We were dressed as bed-bugs. Yes, you were supposed to dress up.

There were four of us, but one came down with a 102 degree fever on race day. We went to the event without a 4th team member, and solicited a replacement when we arrived. Many people acted as if we were trying to sell them something when we asked them, but in only minutes we met up with Alexandra, an outgoing 22 year old who was with another team participating in the race.

The first time down the hill was very fun, we spun in circles, and got last, or second to last place. We were to get a second turn down the hill, but we had to wait for all 148 teams to finish their first heat. I stayed relatively comfortable until the last half hour, but Linda and her colleague were really suffering. At one point we decided if they didnt call our number (58) in the next 10 minutes we would leave. Only a minute later they called up teams 50-100 and we immediately trudged up the hill for our anticipated second trip down.

When we got to the top they were calling teams 68-72 for a heat. We had just reached the top of the hill, and they had skipped us already! Teams 59 and 60 were in the same boat. We let the people in charge know what happened, and they said "We'll get you a heat." We watched two more heats go down and we reminded them we were there. They said they would let everyone go, and then let us go. We said to each other "thats only two more heats before they reach 100, when they call a new group up." All of a sudden they were calling 102, they were intending to make us wait for all 148 teams go before we got a chance! My teammates were close to frostbite so we headed back down the hill, on foot, not on a matress.

Staying as long as we did was not without entertainment. Apparentely our adorable Alexandra acted shocked to find out that none of the three of us, approaching 30, had children, and found out (seperately) that she had been proposed to 4 different times. I also got to enjoy a man yelling down at her saying "I'm going to find you yellow" and her dancing down the hill saying, "you can't, I'm leaving now" and sharing it loudly with the group when we got to the bottom that a man was flirting with her. FYI she wasn't a babe. Hee hee.

Could my day today be any more different? I deadheaded in the afternoon from my snowy home to El Paso. I enjoyed a 3 hour conversation with a man who owns a lighting firm. When I arrived at the hotel, I gave Angel, a very nice employee, a keychain from my state, (he collects them.) I put on a long sleeve shirt and pants, and ran/walked outside for 20 minutes, then walked for another 45 minutes. I walked through a residential area which was quite nice, despite the bars on all of the windows, and a stove in one front lawn. I got so hot that I decided for safety to get a large water, it was a good thing becuase I was feeling minorly hazy.

As I was walking back to the hotel I took a short cut through a parking lot. It turned out to be a dead end, blocked off by a high wall. I considered walking back but said "I'm still young Damn it!" I climbed a grate to the top of the wall, and jumped a short 6 feet to a concrete block. I walked through the high grass, and down a steep edge. I felt satisfaction that I was not yet an old white lady.

For dinner we went to the very popular "Carlos and Mickeys" and I am proud to say I ordered the cheeseless "Flacos Enchiladas" and drank water, no margarita. After we ate we watched mariachis play, and enjoyed an impromptu rendition of "Have you ever seen the rain" by the bartender. As we left the bar the pilots talked to the Mariachi performers about their guitars, and I topped the night off with a soak in the Hot tub.

My days are very full, I cant believe I fit so much living into one day. It is time to go to bed, so I am ready for a full tomorrow.

mood: good