Kant sleep in Kalispell

This is the second, or third night that I am up worrying, regarding Wheelchair Dude. The first and second time I was worried he might like me. I wrote him an honest e-mail telling him I wasn't physically attracted to him, and his response said he was just fine with it, but he is coming on very strong, saying we'll be friends forever and being way "too much."

I really want to be his friend. He is a person who was born with a degenerative disease, likely will not live another decade, and chose to leave his comfortable home where he was taken care of by his parents and start a business. I, for one, am pretty impressed and pretty inspired by that. But I am afraid that he will be hurt. And I suppose it's disrespectful to think of him as vulnerable when he is an adult just like me, but on the other hand there is no question that a person who was disabled since a young child is going to have a different experience than me, so I just fear that---

You know what, it's not him I'm worried about, it's me...I am getting red flags, left and right about him. If he weren't handicapped I would run for the hills from him. Not out of fear of physical harm, but of his terrible boundaries. I am having anxiety about him because his boundaries are terrible, and he wants to suck me into his life and fill the hole of loneliness with me. It's clear as day.

So what is the best move? Run for the hills or tell him "Dude! When you are all clingy and shit, people don't like that" I already did that a little. He wrote me something about how "we owe it to ourselves to lay it all on the table" and I said "uh...thats not healthy, I learned that in therapy and, you should like, go there" (paraphrasing)

I think that's what I'll do. I will spell out my boundaries and if he crosses them I'll say "I don't want to be your friend because of this, this, and this. I imagine most people don't like that, so you shouldn't do that, that has nothing to do with your wheelchair."

And may I say one thing about this dude. He wants a "normal" woman to be attracted to him. I guess we all want that, but he wrote on a craigslist ad that women are shallow. Well he doesn't have disabled friends, nor does he date disabled people, so give me a break. Who's shallow?

Uh, I feel so much better having written this. Some people just have a vibe that puts me at ease, this guy has a vibe that makes me tense. Thats the energy sucker vibe. The bad boundaries vibe. My instincts are very good. They only fail me when I try to overrule them with my mind. I don't think this is going to end well. Well, maybe it will, but it wont if I don't assert my boundaries strongly.

Pull it together Di

A few months ago I told my therapist "I am worried I might be falling into another depression" expecting her to be as concerned as I was about it. Instead she said "Your probably going to heve to pay attention to that your whole life" CRAP!

I guess depression is like weight loss. You don't get to go on a diet, lose 25 pounds and then go back to eating like you did, you have to watch what you eat and be active forever to keep the weight off. So my depression is like that too. I have to take my medication, excercise and eat right, go to bed at a reasonable time, be social, think in a healthy way and stop myself when I start thinking self-hating thoughts, and avoid triggers.

I have screwed up on two of those this week. The other night I spent 2 hours reading a profoundly sick girl going crazy on some random person's website. It was really facinating, the way watching serial killer documentaries is facinating, but I shoudn't have done it. Staying up late to read a website is bad enough as it is, expecially when I had an early show in the morning, but reading something like that is what a therapist would call "a trigger."

I am blessed with strong sensitivity and empathy. This is something that will make me a good parent and a good friend. Unfortunately, however, it, if not tempered with strong boundaries, makes me really vulnerable around sick people. I have the ablilty to feel another's pain, and I am good at imagining myself in another's shoes, but when someone's brain is really twisted you should not put yourself in their shoes, becuase your brain will feel twisted too.

I learned this lesson already, twice. 5 years ago one of the things that pushed me into my suicidal depression was pro-anorexia websites I spent hours visiting. Reading this girl's crazy rants seemed like innocent entertainment at the time, but for an hour or so after reading them I felt sort of paranoid and vulnerable. I felt so aware that predators like her are all over the internet. It was scary to imagine that someone like her could be reading my blog, so I felt like I didn't want to post anymore!

I am over the whole "scared of the internet psychos" phase, but the repercussions of staying up so late are still here. I ended up staying up late last night too, and I woke up this morning (if you want to call it "morning") and feel sluggish and lazy. I need to pull myself together, hit the gym, do some cleaning, and eat better foods.

Thats whats pissing me off too. I am SO TIRED of paying such close attention to what I eat! After starting the Risperdal I am the same weight as I was before i started it, but I am so much more cautious about my eating now. I wish I could see some rewards for my good habits instead of just not-gaining. (And yes- Risperdal has been worth every pound- generalized anxiety disorder feels like a noisy tape player is playing the same shit in your head at all times, not letting you think of anything else- the weight gain is so worth it)

I have come very far. Besides a messy room and a lazy streak I am not much different than the average college-dropout, which is saying a lot comparing myself to the girl who wanted to kill herself because she couldn't get a college degree. I'm not the person I want to be yet, but isn't that what life is all about? Trying to become a better person?

Okay, enough laying in bed navel-gazing. Lets get to the gym!

--Oh and side note...this is a lesson to me, if I persue a degree in Psychology, I have to remember I am not cut out to be a therapist (to adults anyway) Can you imagine me trying to treat the crazy girl from the website? I would be a mess!