Monday, July 24, 2006

Miss Universe

Last night I watched the last half hour of the Miss Universe peagent.

I observed how the contestents were noticibly thinner than they were a decade ago. One in particular was extremely sickly looking, but she had a face so beautiful that if you squinted, you could imagine how pretty she would be if she had a normal body.

As the group narrowed down it became obvious who would win. Miss Japan, drop-dead georgeous, irresistably charming, who also spoke 4 languages and spoke out against domestic violence when the other ladies talked about antique shops.

They picked the Anorexic! The one who was so obviously SICK was the one they picked out of the big group of the only moderately sickley women!

I am SO SERIOUSLY concerned for any girl or vulnerable woman who was exposed to that event.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Call me a pretentious elitist bitch, see how much I care.

Two people, person A and person B having a conversation, person A, say, has intelligence of 5 out of 10. Person B has intelligence of 6 out of 10. When person A makes a point at level 5, person B will understand where they are coming from, because person B operates on level 6. But when person B makes a level 6 point, the person on level 5 will not understand them. So person A feels understood and at ease. Person B feels misunderstood and alienated.

That is how I have operated a lot of my life. When I was growing up I think people at my level or higher were doing well in acedemics, so I wasn't around them as much, a lot because of my insecurity and jealousy of their success when my life was in so much turmoil. I spent a lot of time trying as hard as I could to date guys and be friends with people at a lower level then me. I spent a lot of time feeling like an alien from outer space, my ideas and perspectives on things being met with blank stares and indifferent shrugs. Lonely.

This is what happens ALL THE TIME when I have conversations with Tera. I am operating at a different level, not by much, so I am not as aware of it, but so many of the points I make are simplified and returned back to me in a completely different form than I intended them.

I dare you to call me haughty or arrogant. The fact that the circle I am surrounded with is mostly people with a different capacity to understand concepts that I do does not speak highly of me. It is a sign that I don't challenge myself enough. I don't see myself as being better than anyone because of my intelligence status in contrast to people around me, I see myself as needing improvement becuase of it.

I feel uneasy though about the idea of organizations like MENSA. I think organizations like that make it much easier for people to be self-congratualatory for being smart, which is pretty much something you are born with. I don't know if I could pass the MENSA test, I would like to try. I suspect that I could eventually pass, but it would be rediculous for me to feel special or superior because of it, because my intelligence is not a reflection of hard work. I have friends who likely would have a lower score on the test, because their reasoning and logic skills arent what mine are, but THEY have something to congratulate themselves for, degrees and careers, where me, with my higher score on a hypothetical test have not. I am not ashamed of my intelligence, I am very proud of it, but I dont feel like I should recieve a pat on the back for it. I fear groups like MENSA facilitate that type of back patting, and that is a bad thing because intelligence does not equal wisdom, as most of the great disasters of history prove. Brilliant minds create more and more sophisticated weapons, so it is totally incorrect to equate intelligence with virtue.

On the other hand, groups like MENSA could help people find someone who understands them. Someone who doesn't look at them blankly when they get excited about an idea or a point.

I can see in writing this, that I really am in a very lonely place. People at my intelligence level are mostly really far ahead of me in knowledge and professional success. I feel tiny and insecure around them, and I usually shrink down into my well worn cheerleader persona. I act sweet and non-threatning, I behave as if I have no opinion because the possibility of being disregared because of my lack of perfessional success and knowledge, of being mispercieved as being unintelligent, is too much to bear. I would rather they think I am dumb because I put on an act then to take the risk that the true me is seen as dumb.

I think that might be why I loved blogging so much. For once I was able to be myself, as I am. I wasn't playing dumb so I could fit in, and I wasn't playing dumb to keep people from disregarding me. I was being the true me.

And I can be the true me with Charles, which is really saying something. He is almost a PhD but he doesn't look down on my flight attendant, stereotypically bimboish career. Best of all, he understands the points I make, I can say whats on my mind, and he not only understands my perspective, he respects the complexity of it, even though I don't hold a degree.

One problem with the complexity of my perspective, I have the tendancy to read too much into things. Maybe Tera would have the capacity to understand my points if she gave a shit enough to listen. She instead is thinking of herself, about herself and about how things impact her, so maybe I am just making excuses for her. Maybe she isn't unable to grasp my points, maybe she is unable to care that I am making any.

Monday, July 17, 2006

When you bump your head, is it a bad thing to see a flash of light?

I am in Rapid City, SD for an overnight at work. I went walking to find out what the fitness center was like and I found the opportunity for a MUCH MORE FUN workout. It involved taking off your clothes, laying back, and being roughed around while you get soaking wet. There were waterslides!!!

I decided my workout today would be sliding down the waterslides. Why not? There are 25 stairs to run up, and it requires balance muscles as you go down the slide. I went 30 times, which means I walked up 750 (right?) stairs, and so I consider it a one hour workout.

Did I tell you all that? I have begun working out as part of Weight Watchers. I was taking a few walks before, but I am serious this time. Linda and I are competing, whoever loses the most weight by the end of August gets bellydancing lessons paid for by the one who loses the least. I am pretty broke, so I really hope I win.

I think todays workout was a great idea with one exception, I bumped my head on the fast slide, so hard in fact that while in a dark tunnel I saw a bright flash of light! Pretty facinating, I bet I bumped something in the visual part of my brain, I just hope I am not injured seriously! That was a half hour and 10 slides ago, I think I would know by know if something serious happened. I will bet you anything though that I will have the headache from hell tonight, from that and from all of the chlorine forced into my sinuses.

One more thing...a rock band from EMI records was at the hotel! I have no clue who they were, I probably wouldn't know even if I heard their name, but thats pretty exciting to know, whoo hoo!

Miss you all!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I feel like shit

So, coming home from the folk fest has not been so great. I feel so down in the dumps, I can't even believe it.

For one, I am seriously concerned that Charles and I don't have a future. The chemistry/sex bit is just NOT working, and without that, I just don't know.

I also feel sick, becuase I have been eating like I did before starting Weight Watchers, so I feel a little sick to my stomach and weighed down.

I am stressed, I told Charles that Tera is moving, and that he should move in. I know it seems strange to say move in when you question if you have a future, but if I was sure I had a future with him I would probably be less likely to want to move in. I felt like I might break up with him if he moved in, just becuase it is so hard for me to live with people. Now, if I am unsure about the future, living together could seal the deal, in either direction.

I also feel shitty because the house is SO HOT. We have only fans in the house, and they are tiny.

So it is all going SHITTY. I am not excited to continue on with my life, which just goes to show I need to change my life, possibly including an increase in antidepressants. Oy VEY.

Oh, did I mention that Charles' ipod broke, I had it powering and forgot it, so it was charging for 4 days, now it wont light up at all. I didn't even enjoy it enough to have to buy a new one. Damn.

I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life

I could keep typing that but I will stop. I don't feel any resolution from writing this, only more focused that I am stressed. Damn.

Too great news

I suppose I will have to make this fast, since there is a scheduled outage at 4, and I dont know what time zone that will be in.

Tera is not only planning to move, but is going to pay back the money she owes me! It is too wonderful! Now the big desicion, to have Charles move in, or not. My arguement for him not moving in is that I am worried I would want to push him out of my life if I lived with him, because I would freak out from the closeness, but if I could push him away, wouldn't it be better before marriage, not after?

I will wait to write more until after the "outage"

I am SO HAPPY!!!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Winnepeg Folk Festival

I just got to the north of my state, after spending the weekend at the Winnepeg Folk Festival. I went to the folk fest as a little girl with my mother. I went again in 2003 after the time I was suicidal, it was a highlight of the time and helped me get myself back on my feet. I decided this weekend that I will go every year, and bring my children. There are important holidays in my life, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the Winnepeg Folk Fest.

First off, the best part of the Folk fest is the PEOPLE! What dignified, civilized, lovely people! I have come to the conclusion with my travels that I REALLY like Canadians. They seem so down to earth and decent as opposed to many Americans, who seem to think friendliness is hokey, or a sign of stupidity. But many of the Folk fest guests were Americans, and just so lovely. I understand the hippie movement so much, people just living in peace and caring about eachother. I am sorry but WHAT is "extremist" about that? Nothing. It simply makes sense. We need to see past profit and get back to reality.

And of course what is great about the folk fest is...surprise! music! My favorite find? K'naan, K'NAAN, K'NAAN! I was most excited to see him because he was born in Somalia and there are many Somali people in my city, and I LOVE his CD! I enjoyed his performances quite a bit, but wasn't planning to buy the CD until he came out for the encore, and sang this awesome intense song which included a sing back chant "hunna hunna hunna hunna hunna hunna hay" It was so electric, and stuck in my head for hours. He opened for Damian Marley, he will be famous, do you hear me! :)

Another VERY memorable act was a woman named Tagaq. I have seen her, or another woman who performed her style of music before, it's called "throat singing" it's an old Native American or First Nations thing and it is cool and crazy. It is an undescribable sound. Well while we were waiting for some damn shakti spirit dancers to show up in the alternative tent, we heard this BIZARRE sound coming from the main stage. There was a deep techno bass and this loud intense breathing and groaning. It sounded sexual and sortof demonic! If you get a chance definately visit the site and listen to the song she has posted. That one is nothing compared to what she did on stage. In a way I wish I bought HER CD. If there is any memorable sound from the folk fest it is her.

Charles didn't come to the folk fest. His proposal for his dissertation is tomorrow, and it would have cost $70 for the visa to Canada, a steep price after adding the $170 for tickets & camping, especially before the trip to Kenya coming up (where he will do research for his dissertation.) I was disappointed that he couldn't come. It allowed worry to come into my head. I saw all of these hippy american (or canadian) boys who made me think about lust. Charles and I have such a great relationship, but what I don't feel is hot lust when he walks in the room. I regularly feel unbelievable admiration. I regularly feel proud and lucky that I have him. But I don't feel that hot lust that puts a lump in your throat. That feeling that when you touch his hand, your face gets warm. I know I am taking a lot of anti-depressants, and my sex drive is definately down, but as I approach a possible future with this man I wonder if what we have is enough. I know I don't have to make a desision about it today, he doesn't either, but I thought about it on this trip.

Another thing, an awesome thing that I discovered on this trip is that I still may be a bit depressed. There are things that I used to be interested in (music for one) that I have convinced myself I have outgrown. I have not outgrown these things, I think I am still depressed enough that I don't have intrest in things. It's true. I am doing REALLY well, functioning and everything, but I am by no means excited to be alive. I am excited that being alive isn't so difficult anymore, and I even have brief moments of happiness, but I still see living as a sentance, and I occasionally secretly think that the fact that I can't die is sort of unfair.

And hope is a powerful thing. Just imagining that I could be interested in what I used to be interested, like excercise, music, and beauty (decorating, crafts, personal grooming and fashion.) I am just excited by the idea! When I started college I loved being alive, It perked me up to imagine life could be that fun again! The only times I can think of feeling "fun" were this weekend, my trip to Florida for new years, and while kayaking last month. I have felt not unhappy, pleased, and excited, but not really "fun."

One thing that I think will help me is the purging of the friendship with Keely (from the prior post.) I met Keely in Jr. High, and though I thought she was weird I also thought she was the coolest person I had ever met, and felt like we were totally on the same wavelength. We could not talk to eachother for a year and then pick up where we left off.

In 2000 I think we became roommates, and our friendship went to hell. She smoked weed almost every day, if not every day, and was SO mean and condecending to me. I just took it. I actually trusted that she had good reason to be that way to me. We had always thought so alike. She wouldn't be unfair or unreasonable to me, so I must have been deserving of it somehow. She had shown me some ignorance I had about racial issues, so I felt I deserved punishment for being white and ignorant. In the end though, how does someone become not-ignorant but to learn?

She never gave me the benefit of the doubt. She never saw the spirit of what I would say, she would twist it into something negative and then berate me for it. A great example was when I told her about a woman I worked with who was a bigot. I felt really proud of myself for talking to this woman and feeling like I had really made some headway. Again, you can't become un-ignorant until you are informed, I felt like this woman, because of my kindness, was open to what I had to say, her dad was a terrible racist, and she had never been exposed to real people, just the stereotypes her dad fed her. Keely thought I was just AWFUL for doing this. In her eyes I was a terrible person for having conversations with this woman at work. I can see the arguement that you should shun bad behavior like racism, but I think love is stronger than hate, and that I did more good by discussing these things with her than turning my nose up and walking away the moment I learned about her ideas. If she werent receptive and I remained friendly with her it would be a different thing, but Keely went straight to the negative, as she usually did, and turned something that was at best brave and productive, at very worst naive and misguided into something horrible.

The reason she treated me so awfully was probably a combination of things. For one, we had unhealthy boundaries and I think I was fitting into the role of her little sister. She used to be TERRIBLE to her little sister (who is now strung out with 2 kids, and was a prostitute, may still be) and so I think she was following her own patterns. I think she may have been having a little revenge on me for some of my snootiness in Jr high. I had a killer body and at times looked down on those that were chubbier than me. I also think that she, like I do with roomie Tera, was envious of my innocence. She had just come from a divorce, from a man who cheated and may have married her for a green card, and I was full of enthusiasm about life, I think she wanted to bring me down to her level (and she succeeded)

When I saw Keely she was boring and unpleasant to be around. Although she is smart as hell, smart enough to own her own company, she was recently FIRED from a job! A 29 year old, especially someone with her potential, is much too old to have that happen! She was so much smaller to me than in my head. In my head, my memory of her was this big, capable, brilliant goddess, but the other night I saw her for what she really is, unstable, snobby, and a chicken for not being the person she could be.

Now that I see she is full of shit, I can see that her image and treatment of me was also full of shit. I really internalized how she treated me, as much as a person in an abusive realtionship would (remember, I loved her like a sister) and now that I am wanting to be free of her, I also want to be free of the thoughts I have about myself, that were introduced by her. I now need to forgive myself for the ignorance I DID have, and reject the filter she invented to see me through as being irrelevant and shallow. I never was those things, I was imperfect, as was she, but I have always been smart and very thoughtful and ethical. I have been beating myself up for years, especially after living with her. I am a good person, a very good person, I was then too. I can now give myself permission to be my true self, I don't have to be ashamed of that self. I am proud of who I am and now can stand up and say that.

On the other hand I am better now than I was back then. I have been through a year of therapy and had a lot of growth since the severe suicidal depression. Perhaps her and I were on the same level mental health wise back then, (maybe me a little healthier, her a little more informed) but now I am a great deal healthier AND more informed than I was, so I have simply outgrown her. This would not be a relationship ending offence in itself if she werent so toxic to me.

In the end, I still love her as a sister. I want the best for her and wish she could rise up to her true, beautiful, brilliant core. It is a shame she is staying in this snotty, unmotivated shell of a person, but as it affects me so negatively and would require me to lower myself to keep her around I will only move on, happy to be free of an unpleasant element in my life.

I am also going to change in the way I relate to my roommate. I still sort of don't trust her, and find her helplessness annoying, but my city snobbery to her suburban ignorance has got to go. Keely's treatment of my ignorance was condecending and hurtful, and I sort of see myself doing that to Tera. Yes, when I try to present the alternative to some of her ignorance she brushes it off, but that is on HER. I have presented the information to her, it is up to her to accept or reject it, my job is done. If there is someone's enlightenment I should put my energy into, it would have to be my own. I have plenty of work to do on myself, it is not my job to fix Tera.

I feel a lot of hope. I am excited to imagine my life with the depression and self-hatred lifted. It is really hard to get my brain to shift to fit these new realizations. The old thinking is a habit, so it will take work to break it. Depression makes it harder, and I think a medication increase should help.

I also hope continuing to blog will help. Thank you so much for continuing to read! Joseph and Sparkle, your comments made my day!!! I was pretty certian no one would read anymore, so thanks again.


Sunday, July 02, 2006

I hope today is the day I start blogging again.

Did you miss me? I missed you. alot.

Tonight I did a big thing. I went to a bar by myself.

My friend and former roommate Keely was in town for an arts summit for "b-girls" and tonight was the afterparty. I tried to get Charles to go, and my sister Linda (who introduced me to Keely in jr. high) but neither of them did. I was going to be defeated and not go, I would even enjoy the excuse I had, that no one could come with me, but something in me felt like I just should.

I got dressed up and was sort of impressed with how cute I looked (I have lost 13 pounds from weight watchers) hopped on the bus to deposit the rent check and then went to the bar. I felt stupid at first, but not as stupid as I might have in the past. Right away a girl cut in front of me at the bar (I dont think on purpose) and I didn't speak up about it. I hoped that I wasn't behaving like some sort of wimp, but I didn't let it get me down.

Next thing I went to find a place to wait for Keely to show up. I saw a seat by the ledge, I asked a big girl if someone was sitting there and she said yes. I said "okay" and sat down at a little table. She said "someone is sitting there" so I got up.

Next I stood behind everyone, but I felt like a real wallflower, an outsider. Fortunately the music started and so I went to the dancefloor. I stood with my back to the ledge and enjoyed myself as a circle formed and people started taking turns showing off their moves. There were 2 white looking guys who had some really cool pop lock moves and tons of girls who were just great, they had incredible energy, I had so much fun watching them.

Keely did show up, I saw her and approached her. She looked slim and was dressed in a cocktail dress. We hugged and then stood there, watching the heads of the dancers, since the crowd was so condensed that you couldn't see anything more. Most of what she said was "incredible" about the dancing, which I found a little weird since you couldn't see much anymore, but I just smiled.

We went to a ledge where I assumed we would giggle and catch up after at least a five year absence but it was anticlimactic. She bored the life out of me, and reminded me of the abusive roommate who smoked large quantities of weed and snarled alot when we lived together. I was so pleased to be there, the energy in the room was so great, and I was so proud of my bravery to have gone there on my own, that she couldn't get me down. And although I was disappointed that our 17 year old friendship has, I think, come to an end, at least I know I haven't been missing anything in the years that we have been seperated.

We went to the main room of the bar, which is famous and has appeared in movies in the 80's, it used to be the coolest bar in the city, the venue that all the big acts would come to. It was dead, with pop music playing, instead of the cutting edge music that used to play there.

Keely and I went to the bar to get her another beer. Some other people came to the bar after her and they got served first. She yelled at the bartender, and the guy next to us said (in a nice, not sleazy way) "I'll buy your drinks, chill out" and he bought her a beer and she didn't even thank him, she just huffed as she went away.

Then, her friends were about to leave and she was mad that she had to finish her beer so fast. I said "lets go to back to the other room" and she said "I want to sit down. I am so upset right now that I am about to snap" I smiled and sat back down. About 4 seconds later I took my last swig of beer and said "Well I am going to go now" and smiled fakely as we did the "nice to see yous." Fortunately I went back to the afterparty and watched a girl rapper finish her set. It let me end the night on a good foot.

It really was a good night. It is really okay that I was snubbed by her so badly. She REALLY hurt me when we were roommates. She was a very dear friend before we lived together, and she became very mean when we moved in. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything, and unlike when we were roommates, I now unwilling to spend time trying to win her over.

I imagine she will call me and apologize about tonight. I will forgive her of course, I love the girl, but I will be doing it from a place of strength. Unlike years ago, I am happy and relatively confident in the person I am. Whatever superiority trip she tries to pull on me wont work anymore. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and this time she doesn't have my consent.

It was a good night.

I missed you.