Thursday, January 31, 2008

I let myself get seduced

I have had a lot of sex, shamelessly, but despite some definitions of "morals" I have a strong moral code, and I stick to it. But yesterday I crossed a line that I am ashamed of.

First off, I am 100% single. Mo and I agreed that it wouldnt happen right now (and I am thinking never, despite the fact that he is an awesome guy.) So I am in the clear in that department. But I...well, I will tell you the story.

Last night I was in the hot tub alone, and a handsome man walked through the pool area (in the center of the hotel.) He said the hot tub looked great since it was so cold outside, and I said "grab your swimsuit." He said he didnt have one, and had a hard time finding the hallway with his room in it. He came back through asking where his room was. When he found out where it was he invited me to dinner. I declined saying I had already eaten. He said come for coffee, I said I don't have anything to wear. He looked at the workout gear I had on the table, and I finally agreed. I walked to my room with a smile on my face, but then of course came to my senses. He was in his 30's, from India, and obviously wealthy, he was Married, no question about it.

We arrived at the restaurant and had some good soup and dessert. He had no ring on but I naturally asked the question I already knew the answer to. He told me that he was unofficially seperated. His wife lives with her mother. He described that it started it out as just arguing, but it escalated to a point that it was better that they were apart, because they were reaching a level that they were better apart. I couldn't decipher exactly what that meant, but he was showing sincerity and intensity. I was telling him about the latest time magazine that is all about love and chemistry. I gave him the best pep talk that a never married woman could give, and he said that they were trying to work it out, and they were doing better than they were.

As the restaurant was going to close he suggested driving to a Wal-Mart and getting him some swim trunks. I thought that sounded fun, but when we checked with the front desk how strict they were about the pool hours, they said they locked the doors. So it was time for plan B.

I know better than being alone with men in hotel rooms. I felt in my gut he wouldn't rape me, but that aside, being alone in private with someone of your preferred sex, is a slippery slope. We chatted and I felt very comfortable. At the restaurant I had mentioned that I had majored in Physical Therapy, and he had been hinting about needing a massage ever since. In the room I showed him how to find a massage therapist, and explained to him that "massage" is sometimes code for prostitution.

We chatted for hours, and it was pleasant and relaxing. I felt very relaxed. I cant remember the context, but he told me a story of a woman he met on his travels, who he only slept with in bed, no sex. He said it was so wonderful, just to have held and be held by someone. We continued to talk for another hour, and at that point I trusted him enough that I offered to rub his shoulders. I know better than to rub the shoulders of a man I don't intend to sleep with in a room alone. I know better than to engage in risque conversation in a room alone with a man I dont intend to sleep with (it was clinical, not flirtatious, but still...)

He (of course) proposed marriage the moment I started to rub his shoulders. He asked once or twice if he should lay down and I said no. After about 5 minutes he offered to rub my back. And dumb as I am, I said yes. He had me lay on my stomach on the bed and gave me a nice back rub. When he rubbed on my lower back he went all the way to the top of my butt crack. It felt nice, and I acted like I didn't notice, and didnt stop him.

He asked if I had ever had my legs massaged and I said I like that, because blood pools to your feet when you fly alot. He massaged my entire legs, and went very high on my thighs. Once again, I knew it was crossing a line, but I didn't say anything. I layed on my back and he lifted my individual legs, putting my foot on his hip, only inches from his penis. Once again, I didnt stop him. He massaged all the way up my thighs, including the sides of my hips. And I didn't stop him.

I was relaxed, and turned on, but still allowed my body to take over my mind. I suggested we cuddle like he had described earlier. He kissed my forehead a few times. My closed eye a few times, and my mouth a few times, and we spooned. He carressed my arms, up and down, and held my hand which was close to my face, and also to my breasts. Slowly he began tweaking my nipples gently. I could no longer pretend like I didnt notice the sexual nature of it. This was overtly sexual. But I didn't stop him. I didnt encourage him, but I didn't do a thing. I just let him.

He alternated the stimulation with caressing up and down the side of my body. Eventually he was stroking my inner thigh and hip, then it escalated to the outside of my underpants, and by this point all my mental facilities were gone. Though I didn't encourage him at all, I just laid there, hoping, and knowing he would go inside my underwear. Once he did he did some amazing things, so amazing my legs were twitching uncontrollably.

Again, by this time all blood had left my brain, so I pulled down his pants to find a georgeous, large, and hard penis, and gave him wonderful oral sex. He suggested we go to the store and buy some condoms, and I figured "we have already crossed a line, so what difference does it make?"

When we got to the store I decided to stay in the car. While in the car the blood began to seep back into my brain. I realized that if I stopped, I could at least say to myself that when I got my faculties back I did the right thing. When he got back to the car I told him how I felt. He said "you dont have to do anything you dont want to" (excellent seduction technique, pretend to be supportive)

In his room I wrote down my e-mail address and said I was going to go back to my room. He begged me to stay. I said "no, I simply dont trust myself" he said- get this- "you can trust me" and this dummy decided to fall for it. We laid down, and things progressed in pretty much the same way they did the first time. This time I didn't let him pull my legs apart like he tried to the first time, and I suggested he masturbate in the bathroom, but that was all the protesting I offered. When he asked if he could "feel me from the inside" I couldnt get the word no out of my mouth. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. It was fantastic. It was really, really good.

He bugged me in the morning also, which I was perturbed about, but not so perturbed that I didn't let him have sex with me again. It was a cranky morning, and I decided to get up and get some breakfast. I got there at 9:30 or 9:31, and they had the door locked, I decided to settle for the donuts they have always kept in the lobby until they run out, but they were gone. I whinely said to the desk clerk (remember, I am only 25% awake here) "you dont keep the donuts out until they run out anymore?" and he said in a kind way "they are with our continental breakfast" pointing at the locked room, and I know by the look on his face that I made a distressed face to that, because I arrived a minute after closing (you can usually grab something while they are putting things away)

Mr. Seductive had been in the hallway for all of this and offered to take me somewhere to get something. Here I am thinking he is talking about Ihop, and then he adds "like a gas station" I huffed off saying I have oatmeal in my room.

This fucker gave me back something that I have missed, the experience of good sex (how long has it been?) and the desire for sex. It was rediculously hot, the slowness and building of it, and the dirtyness of him "tricking" me got me more turned on than usual. Do I regret it?, yes and no. I now have lost my awesome record of being a decent person in the sexual department. I have cheated b
efore, and I have been with a person in a relationship before, but they always had disclaimers, reasons of why they werent quite as bad as they would be ordinarily. But last night had no excuses. I am not "vulnerable," I wasnt stupid enough to be manipulated for real. I guess when he said "You can trust me" about cuddling with him the second time I was stupid enough to fall for it, but once I saw things were going back in that direction I should have stood up and went to my room. I failed. I went against my morals. I think that if he were married and not seperated I would have been stronger, but I think I am just making excuses for myself.

At least hes not my husband

(UPDATE: I have forgiven myself. They were separated, and hopefully she wont take him back. I should have known better than to hang out in his room, give him a backrub, all of that. But I still think I am a moral person)

Monday, January 28, 2008

The weekend went well

So. I went to Baltimore/D.C. and visited Mo. I was attracted to him, he was a good kisser, but for some reason didn't want to make out. We had fun, we slept, we watched "The Boondocks" and played "Dance Dance Revolution"

At the end of the trip I started to say "So when are you moving to *******?" (where I live.) I then later said "I am still pessimistic about the distance" expecting that to be something that would cushion the blow when later I told him I couldn't handle the distance. But instead he was like "Phew! I was so worried about hurting you, I'm just not ready for a relationship."

I made myself a difficult character to fall for. I was probably a huge bore, and I hemmed and hawwed about traveling. But what I was doing was being honest about how traveling wears me out. This way if I wasn't into him (which I was only partially) I could let him down more easily.

I am proud that I didn't give up and stay home. I traveled. I gave it a shot. And neither him, or me are hurt. He is a good guy. I like him.

Oddly, today I got a call/message from the half Brazillian, half Argentinian guy. How did he know that I broke up yesterday? Weird. I had thought of him while I was talking to Mo, but talked myself out of it, because I sense this guy (we will call him Mr. Miami) is somehow not a match. He called and told me he met a Delta Flight Attendant, I did a good job of being supportive and not jealous. It was nice, also, to get to reiterate that he had said to me (when I said I was developing a crush) that "thats okay because it doesnt mean anything (paraphrasing)" and that he stopped calling me after that, so it was his fault when I started up with Mo, not mine.

I feel not happy, but calm. I still want more quiet time to myself, but have another trip starting tomorrow, so it's back to the grind. I like being single. I don't want to have to owe anyone anything. I am too scattered. I am not at 100% yet. Oh, and I am briggidy broke. I mean broke. The dipshit who was supposed to be my rooommate bailed on me at the last minute, so now I am broke. Crapper

Friday, January 25, 2008

Sad, isn't it?

I am about to go visit Mo, and I am completely unenthusiastic.

Who was I kidding? Long distance relationship? Ha! Me? Ha! Couldn't be more impossible. I am a lazy, lazy girl, who hates leaving home when her trip is done.

So I am going to drink some coffee, and go. I am hoping I get some enthusiasm, because Mo is a great guy. I am just sick of his voice on the phone. Sick of the phone period! I have been horny as hell the last two days, but I still don't want to go. I just want to rest. I am tired. My job, and having a cold, makes me very, very tired.

So how do I tell the man? I can always hold out hope that I will feel differently later. Well I will feel differently later, but I will also feel the same later. I get tired after trips, period.

I need to get in shape and eat raw foods I think. I am just too tired, all the time. You know I am shaking a little bit. It's not nerves, its fatigue.


Monday, January 21, 2008

The core of what I am feeling: ANGRY! I am so mad that
i am sick. I guess both with a cold, and with my anxiety/depression too
The anxiety is so bad right now I keep not breathing, I mean it. I keep exhaling but not inhaling. I dont know why

You only call when you want something

I only blog when I am upset. When I have something to work out. Well I do now.

I am visiting Mo in DC immediately after my trip this week. You guys have no idea how much this overwhelms me. Packing for a trip, packing to visit someone, and having a new roommate next month. Too much. I tried to suggest we get together in February, and he said no. I should have fucking told him I can't, but I didnt. I never do.

Why don't I tell people when I can't handle social situations? Because it's rediculous. I should be able to handle more than going to work, and coming home, and having one social interaction, then what life do I have? None.

So I am sick and tired of talking to mo on the phone, though I am pretty certian he is a perfect match for me. Just in the wrong city. I am so anxious. So anxious. I cant do this.

Right now I feel like I cant even pack for work. One thing at a time. Pack for work first. Forget DC, forget cleaning for the roommate, just pack for work. Why am I angry at Linda for having thexz.ZS,sk,JZ

That is from me punching the keyboard with my fists 3 times.

I am mad at Linda for having a stupid useless potluck today, and for mo wanting me to come visit when its not in me, and stupid stay at home mommy for having a birthday

I want to die right now

You know I have the 3rd cold in months, last week at work my head was killing me. I hate life right now. No, I don't hate life, lets be honest, I hate being me. I hate being overwhelmed so easily. So freaking unfair!

Friday, January 18, 2008

A new post might be appropriate- now that you are caring for your anus

I am sure most of my regular readers have stopped reading by now. I guess Diana Crabtree has been on an unofficial hiatus, which isnt so bad.

When I started Diana Crabtree, I was very insecure, depressed, and inside my own head, but through the help of medication, therapy, and the process of writing in the blog, I am living a relatively normal life right now, managing my depression and anxiety very well. So I may not be writing as much, but that also means I am not NEEDING to write as much. I am living life instead of writing about life.

A great feat is in December, I slipped into a depression, and I have managed to pull myself out. I am not happy and in love with life right now, but then again I live in a grey, snowy climate, so noone here is really in love with life right now. But I have been eating veggies, and excercising some, and I have brought myself back up to a level where I am functioning well.

For the last two months I have been in contact with an American (finally!) man named Mohommad. He seems to be a healthy person to be in my life, and I will be visiting him at the end of January.

I am on my 4th illness in the last 3 months, so I am contemplating going back to the doctor, to make sure I dont have ebola.

The biggest news is that I am seriously looking into getting a house. Not a condo, a house. The process has started, and the market is in my favor. I couldnt be more excited, I finally feel ready.

I hope any of you depressed folks out there have gained from reading about my mistakes and successes over the years. I took an unofficial hiatus back when I was dating Charles, and I still came back. So check back every now and then. I might have some new story of debauchary for your entertainment.

Oh, speaking of...I also have a crush on a girl, and I think she might be gay and into me! Mo and I are not exclusive (my idea) but I am still not sure I want to go on that path. I am not concerned about being gay or bi, I am concerned about hurting someone, because I may not be gay or bi enough. I'll write more eventually.

Monday, January 07, 2008

I want to talk about your Anus

This morning I approached the grocery store counter with two boxes of fiber one cereal, and two boxes of fiber one bars, digestive yogurt, 2 bottles of electrolyte infused water, and a 14 pack of toilet paper. Folks, I have to poo.

You might think this is too much information, but in fact, it is a public service message, and yes, you are welcome.

People, if you have to poo, DON'T PUSH! Do you hear me? DON'T PUSH! You can do a quick squeeze to start it out, but your intestines will push it out naturally, DON'T PUSH!! Why? Because straining will cause blood to flow into the area, and can burst a blood vessel in your anus. Do you know what it means to have a burst blood vessel in your anus? It means folks, you have a hemmroid.

Hemmroids are awful. They itch. Do you know how awful it is to have an itchy anus? If you don't know, I will tell sucks. And it really sucks to stick creams into your butt 3 times a day, it really sucks.

So healthy. If you get constipated, drink a lot of water, eat fiber one cereal, and DONT PUSH! When you feel a little rumble, grab a magazine, maybe a book, and sit on the pot and read, while your intestines do the work. And did I mention? Dont push.

Again, you're welcome

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Britney Spears

I feel like I can write about Britney Spears, but for some reason I just cant write about my own life. I had a crazy December, I kicked out my roommate, contemplated moving, but found out the roommate is at best a flake, at worst calculated, my car was towed on Christmas, I now weigh 202 pounds, the friend I have in Uganda (who I send money to) is lying to me, and I have been very social, so I am overwhelmed, and writing in my blog is like writing a letter to a friend, and I am just tired of friends. I am mildly depressed, but hoping like hell I can pull myself out, by making good choices.

I am, in a weird way, so happy to hear that Britney has been involuntarily hospitalized. According to Dr. Drew Pinsky people are only involuntarily hospitalized that long for mental reasons, not drugs, which means they can forcibly medicate her. The poor girl doesnt know she is sick, how could she? She has never experienced reality. And in my opinion, at 16 she was sexually molested, by America and her mom. For her to be so sexy at that age is normal for a child to do voluntarily, but not to be instructed to do it. I was a sexy kid, but I didnt have 40 year old men publicly announcing their lust for me. I knew when it happened it (ha ha, I accidentily wrote "tit") would damage her, and the fame damaged her worse.

Also, Dad of the year, Kevin Federline, I am convinced that he fucked with her head royally. When did things get worse for her? When he showed up. I am sure he manipulated her, positive. And she is very vulnerable, because shes obviously nuts, and didnt have a normal upbringing.

So lets hope when she starts getting forced medication, her head will clear up enough to see what her life is, and maybe change something? I hope she will stay in a hospital for a year. For real.

So I will write about me eventually. I am doing better, I am only in a mild depression, not a major one. I am optimistic

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year

Dec 2007 glad its 2008!