Allah works in mysterious ways

So get this...

I told you some prissy princess came to see the apartment, right? Fortunately her Queen sized bed was a great excuse for us to reject eachother without having to say "ew- I don't want to live with YOU" to eachother. Well I was telling this story to Muhammad (I told you about him, right? Maybe not? Ok, well he's a guy, and he's nice) any-hoo, he said "you wont let her live with you because she is pretty?" And I told him no, it was a vibe too, and pointed out that I am friends with Kelsey, who looks like a model.

So I decided to text her. Come to find out she got a job as a manager and a super swanky apt building, 10 minutes from the airport, and I can live there for $400 + utilites. To make it better, she cant move in for 2 months, so she will stay here, so we can see how it goes.

I am a little iffy about her. I am not 100% sure I can trust her, but hopefully I will know by the end of the 2 months. I hope so, because I sometimes have dreams of living somewhere like that, but I would never spend the money, and I think my life needs a little shaking up. I think living somewhere luxurious (as long as I wasn't wasting a lot of money on it) would please me. It would give me a boost. I also think it would be great motivation to get rid of a bunch of my stuff.

Wow. Juan has somewhere good to go, I have somewhere good to go, it's great.

Blessed

TAKE ME BACK, JUAN!

So today I came out and told Juan how I feel. I told him "I just want you to know that it hurts me that none of this seems to bother you, It seems like no big deal to you"

We talked things out, and frankly, had this conversation happened a week ago, I wouldn't have kicked him out. He is so fucking thick, I tell ya! He says to me "I did wrong, and this is the consequence" Well if you are going to make such perfect sense, why didnt you say that a week ago!!!???!!! He also said that the comment "Your next roommate will have to have a lot of money and have a lot less projects going on" was a joke. Wow, what bad timing for that type of joke Juan!

For a few moments there I wanted him to stay, if he asked to (which he wont) I would probably say yes, but now I am at peace, I can get a crash-pad person, and be happy as a clam.

Today this F/O who flew with Carter (the beautiful blonde pilot) came to see the room. This sounds funny, but she was too pretty to live here. She was skinny as hell, had cute light blonde hair, and her face looked like Jennifer Aniston, with a smaller nose and light blue eyes. I sort of sound all gay writing about her, but thats how pretty she was, I felt intimidated. I felt fat and zitty, and poorly groomed around her (well, I had just rolled out of bed) but I could tell she would be used to a very clean house, and I cant offer that. I also would feel so inferior all the time, despite my better judgement (and lets be honest, you know she felt that a little too, not to be mean to her, but I feel like I know "her type")

But it will be okay. It will be just fine. I will find a crash pad person, and everything will fall into place. My friends are proud of me for standing up for myself, and I suppose I am too.

Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference

I cant write anything. I just want...SOMETHING. Just, just...something!

I believe he cares, but he wouldnt put up any type of fight! He wouldnt try to convince me not to kick him out, and he didnt try to comfort me that he wouldnt do it again. Too much pride? Maybe. God it hurts.

You know, I definately loved him. In an a-sexual but still sexual way. Like, I didnt want to sleep with him, mostly because he doesnt seem to brush his teeth enough, but I was still drawn to him, and loved giving and getting attention from him.

Maybe he likes me less now that the sky is grey-er, and my energy is lower.

GOD JUAN! JUST SAY SOMETHING! STOP ACTING LIKE ITS NO BIG DEAL...ITS A BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU FOR NOT CARING!

Juan hardly seems to care

Well, Juan and I are cool. He has thrown my life into a tailspin, and now he is moving, but heaven forbid he just apologize and say "I'll never do it again" so I don't have to find a new roommate, and he doesn't have to find a new place. (He did say "I did wrong") but I guess I hoped for more, sooner.

He is going to give me the money he owes, and paint the room back (god- if you were going to be this decent you couldn't have just made it right so it didn't have to come to this!?!) But I think maybe he will be happier where he is going. He is going to move to his crazy, alcoholic argintine bachelor friend's house, and he expressed "concern" for me today, because I dont go out all the time, so my quiet lifestyle probably brings him down.

What I hate is how okay he seems with the whole thing. IM not okay with it, I am very upset. But he is a different bird I guess. He has a great new job and all these great things going on, so why SHOULD he care? He's a definite extrovert, and I guess I am just one person of many in his life, while he is one of few in mine (which is how we both prefer it, of course)

You know what? I am pissed at him. This has been a shitty week. Why didnt he just talk to me at the beginning of the month and tell me if there were money problems?

Oh well. Hes on his third marriage- go figure.

Im doing it all wrong

This wasnt the post I wanted to write, after not writing for so long. i wanted to write one titled "did you miss me?" and give a brief overview of all the great things in my life. But instead, I am writing one about the mistakes I see myself making, in dealing with a crisis.

Juan has broken my fucking heart. I am so hurt I couldnt even write the words a few days ago. He gave me last months rent one month late, and now, this month, when I noticed my bank account was down to $15, I told him "I dont have the money for food" and he gave me $70. He not only didnt give me rent, he didn't even have rent set aside. So naturally I have to kick him out.

He was warned last month. I told him what Tera had done to me, and that if he was late I would kick him out, and I sent him a heartfelt text, and his response was "your next roommate will have to have a lot of money and a lot less projects going on" wrong answer. The correct answer is "I am so sorry, I cant believe I let it get away from me so long" or even better- the correct answer is to pay the rent, on time, or a day late.

So last night I didnt have the money for my medication (fortunately I got paid today so I can go buy it) so I have spent a lot of the day laying in bed and eating cookies. Basically feeling sorry for myself instead of cleaning the house and getting it ready to be shown.

My heart is broken. This is not just the loss of a roommate, but the loss of a friend. I cant tell you how much I love, I mean LOVE Juan. I cant believe he, of all people, would hurt me like this. He is the only roommate I want in this world, but I dont have the money for christmas presents this year, so obviously he has to go.

I am glad I wrote this post. I am going to get out of bed, go to the pharmacy and get my medication, and a healthy lunch (at 3 PM) and I am going to go ahead with my day- strong and powerful. Yes, he hurt me, but I should not hurt me too. I need to take good care of myself right now, because I am one step away from a depression. God i wish I could cry right now.

Oh, and did I mention my friend Joseph in Uganda went to prison for counterfieting money? Yeah, not a good week for me...

But-----I met a boy :) (Who lives in Washington DC) :(

Not every night is party night

I have to get up for work in the morning, but tonight was the first trance night that Juan's friends are set up, so I spent an hour getting ready, feeling less than sexy (the $20 dress from marshall's is not as cute as I remember it being) and went.

The music and atmosphere were fantastic, aparently the city's top DJ was there, but I couldn't get drunk, and there werent enough people there, so I felt very self concious. I left after only a half hour, but unfortunately I had already had a beer (waste of calories)

Well now I have to wash a pound of makeup off my face, and I will have to take a shower in the morning even though I had one this evening, since I have a gallon of hairspray in my hair.

Oh well. If I knew how lame tonight would be I wouldn't have gone, but I was so excited about it, and I am glad to know what it's like for next time (when hopefully more people will be there)

Bedtime

I feel popular!

Guess what???

I am number 3 on the myspace friend's list for last week's music festival! I think this has to do with the wife of the co-organizer. I suppose as the roommate and buddy of the creator of the festival, it makes some sense now. (But Juan's myspace is way on the bottom, it should be number 1! [I sent a subtle hint about that to them])

I have a coffee date with a music management company owner next week, and he is taking on new bands, there was one I love in particular (a few, really) so maybe I can bring them together! Thing is, this guy is coming on VERY strong, so I am a little concerned that he might be annoying. I really dont want to hurt his feelings, & I am not ready for a boyfriend right now, and if I was- the hard sell never works on me. I'm too easily spooked. I just hope he will be okay with being friends, becuase it would be so cool to have another person to go to concerts with.

Well I need to go to bed now. I have been staying up SOOO late lately (but it's been so fun!) Juan is just what I needed in my life, he's like a husband & a gay boyfriend & a life coach all wrapped into one. I am leading a blessed life.

I got some tounge action today

Gosh! I don't post anymore, and when I do, I just dont give the rediculous detail that I used to. What's the deal with that? There are bigger things for me to be worried about, but I still wish I was writing more about my silly life, it's so fun to read about it later on and say "no way was that my life!"

Today Juan took me to a babtism party, wow, come to think of it, it was his neice. Well remember, Juan is Mexican, so this party was middle class Mexicans, and Mexicans speak...Spanish.

Yup, I spent hours at a party listening to people speaking Spanish. This is what it sounded like to me "weekend"..."then"..."yes"..."D.F."..."grandfather" and so on, and so on. I was impressed with the amount I could understand, but it wasn't enough for me to enjoy myself.

Right away when we arrived I met the Argentine sister of a man I met at a networking party the other night (where everyone spoke english except the nervous white guy trying to impress everyone with his Spanish.) She seemed to not like me, but she was speaking in english (as a courtesy to me) and she was discussing the fact that she has Lupus. She left early and I wonder if she just has a hard time of things in general, and that it wasn't personal.

After speaking with Juan and the Argentine woman for awhile I was so cold that I decided to go buy a sweater. Yes, I realize this is weird, but in the middle of October I didn't know we would be having the party OUTDOORS! I returned back with an adorable white cable knit sweater that I got for $6 at Saver's and Juan brought me to the food, he told me I should start with Menudo, a soup, to warm up.

The lovely mother of the babtised child started dishing up the soup for me, and instead of giving me lots of broth, she gave me lots of meat, I could tell from where I was standing, I did not want this meat...I looked closely at the heavy bowl and saw sticking out of the broth BONE MARROW AND TOUNGE!!!

I was very mad at Juan at this point. He knew from a trip to a taco store that I am not brave enough to eat tounge. He could have warned me, so I could just take some broth. But he didn't, so here I was, with this bowl FILLED with tounge, about to look extremely rude.

I sipped the broth, which tasted awful by the way, LIKE TOUNGE, and tried to wash away the taste with chips, lime, onions and cilantro. After 10 minutes I whispered in Juan's ear that he had to trade soups with me so I didn't look rude. He did eventually, but his cousin saw it. I had some chicken tacos afterward which were good.

I listened to more Spanish conversation, and watched 6 kids jumping and roughhousing on a trampoline with 4 springs gone. I cringed as I imagined all of the potential spinal damage that could happen to those children, but I also cringed at the fact that these children are active, and have fun, where my children will be under my anxious thumb, always worrying about them getting hurt.

The kids were very cute. There was one game where the adults threw quarters in the air, and the kids all chased after them. One boy hurt his hand and was crying, and a little boy gave him his quarter. I was watching them, thinking, "what a group of nice kids" and then an older kid started chasing after a younger one, trying to get his money. Oh well, what a group of MOSTLY nice kids.

Later the pinata was put on a string. And the kids got in a circle around it, while an uncle waved it above one child's head, who tryed to hit it with a stick. The group chanted a cute little song that everyone knew, and when the song was over, someone else took a turn. I asked what the chant meant, and a woman said "hit the pinata or we will hit you in the head" I looked online for the chant, and didn't find that, so I will have to double check with Juan.

I got too impatient to wait for the cake. It was 8 at night and we were STILL outside! I left and Juan walked me to the car. He said people probably didn't realize I don't speak spanish. I was just happy to leave. It wasn't torture, but I really didn't have any fun. I felt excluded.

I spent a few hours at Target, TJMaxx, Famous Footwear and Kohl's. I got a sweater jacket for only $22, I was so excited, and though I found some knee high boots for $22, I decided man-made might look cheap, and it's easy to look cheap in knee high boots, so I decided to pass until I find a better pair.

I got home and wrote an e-mail to the 60 year old. You know what's embarrassing? Stupidly, I have this crush on him. But I am obviously forgetting that we would look WEIRD together, and his penis is probably tiny (he is a short Chinese man) and probably stopped working 15 years ago! Not to mention, I would get frustrated by his old person habits, and he would find me immature. He just had a nice smile, and seemed/seems so smitten. I guess thats what I want, someone responsible & mature, with a nice smile, who is smitten with me...AND has a LARGE, HARD penis. And after all of this, once again, can I remind you Diana, YOU WOULD LOOK REALLY WEIRD TOGETHER!

Now it's nearly one and I'm not tired at all. I had 2 cups of coffee at the party, because it was OUTDOORS IN OCTOBER! So now what? I dont know. I certianly am not going to clean.

The Camera adds 10 pounds

Juan just e-mailed me a cute ad he made of me as a bauch and lomb model. It's very cute, but he put it next to a real model (I am sure it made sense to him why he did it, it look like he spent some time on it)

All I can think of is how fat I am.

It's really disappointing. I don't look that fat in the mirror. I have a photographer/graphic artist using photoshop and all those tricks, and I still look fat.

I think it would have been better if he hadn't put the pic of the real model next to mine.

How ungrateful of me (at least he e-mailed it to me, instead of showing it to me in person, where he would see my disappointment.)

UPDATE: AAAH, I get it, he made it look like it was a magazine that had been opened, one page with a model on it, the other page with my "ad" on it. It's so sweet. I will be gracious- in the morning when I'm done pouting

I answered my own question-before starting the post

Starting tomorrow I have two 3 day trips back to back. That's harsh. I was about to comment "It's not more time that I want- it's more energy" And I realized that if energy is what I want, I can eat more vegetables, less fat and refined carbohydrates, and excercise more.

Now of course if I excercised and ate healthier foods, the schedule I have recieved would still suck. But I just had 4 days off, and I still dont feel rearing to go for my trip. I feel that if I had more energy, I would accomplish more and feel caught up.

But what am I talking about? I have the laundry done & garbage taken out, and it's only 9:30PM. All I have to is wash the dishes and pack, and I am good to go to bed. Some times it's hard to look on the bright side. I am not bursting with energy- but do I want to be bursting with energy at 9:30PM? No, I want to be winding down for the day. I am getting done what I need to, so no need to worry.

And as an added bonus- my roommate disappears for days at a time, so I don't have to worry about offending him with the mess.

I still wish I only had 1 3 day trip.

Spicy Hot Chocolate

I talked with Juan this evening, and I have learned that when talking to him, it goes on forever. I made some amazing chili, and made it without salt or making it spicy, because then we can add spice and salt to taste. I said "Because nothing is worse than making a recipe too spicy" he seemed surprised by this statement, and asked why, I said, "Because you cant taste any other flavors." He then, as expected, went into a long, passionate description of chilis and how they are incorperated into Mexican, and many latin american cultures.

During this conversation he described how spice fills your mouth, I cant even remember the words that he used, but they were very descriptive and poetic. It made me crave some chocolate ice cream with cayenne pepper that a shop down the street makes. As the conversation continued, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I made some hot chocolate with cayenne pepper (and a secret ingredient, but I'm not telling) It was SOOOOO delicious! So good! I would love so much to be a housewife, to spend my days cooking chili and hot cocoa sounds like heaven (I know you stay at home parents are rolling your eyes at how easy I am making the job sound.)

Juan said something that moved me. He had mentioned a (female) roommate had lost a lot of weight, and I had incorporated that into the conversation later, saying "well if she looks like that of course you'll let her keep her bike there." He said that he doesn't see young women "like women." He said he has daughters in their early 20s, so that idea makes him uncomfortable.

How rare! It seems that older men are rarely brave enough to date women their age, probably because younger women make them feel more important, both because of the status of it, and because being younger, she is likely less accomplished. But Juan, a man accomplished enough that he COULD have younger women (I confess, I am drawn to him a bit) isn't comfortable with that.

I think the only way I could be luckier is if he was gay. To have a man in my life who sees me platonically, even if it's women he likes, is good for me I think, because I see men as such letches. I also have the insecurity that I think I have to attractive to be liked, it's good for me to see an alternative way of communicating with a man- and to see myself through a man's eyes, and not have it be sexual. (Ha ha, he also said that Latinos think white people are pretty, but not sexy, so I have 2 strikes against me, ha ha)

I got a little annoyed with him last week, because he hadn't set up the bed in his room (which was fine with me) but he wasn't using the sheets when sleeping on the couch. He was crashing without even using a pillow. I laid out some sheets, and the next day he put them away (which looked very nice) but then crashed again without the sheets. I said something to him about it, I hope it was light, the way I said it, and the next day he had his bed set up, tidyed the living room, and washed my dishes. It is evident that he cares, and so I was happy that I could make the chili and cocoa for him, and have another nice conversation, to show him that I also care.

I have made a good choice

The evening after I told Juan he should move in I had an icky feeling in my chest. I wrote that I thought I was just tired at the time, that it wasn't my gut telling me I had made a wrong choice, and today I know that is true.

Juan moved in yesterday. He didn't exactly "move in" but he brought a few things and painted his bedroom (you read that right, he painted his bedroom the first day he arrived.) I was shocked by his choices of colors (he IS Mexican after all, and an artist) but they look pretty cool. The closet is a bright orangy-yellow, and the room is a bright greeny-yellow. It looks very cheerful.

I can see he is a good role model for me. He has a very busy and full life, but I think since he is a 42 year old Mexican-born man, I don't compare myself to him the way I do with a 26 year old American-born woman. Instead I see what he does better than me, and I want to emulate that, instead of feeling embarrassed and judged about my life (well I still feel embarrassed, but not judged.) I was so impressed with how he arrived at the house, went out and bought paint, came back, and painted. For me it would take me weeks to get that much accomplished.

I have also gotten to chat with him, and he is just an incredible and accomplished person. I learned that the magazine he publishes is not-for-profit. Most of the money they earn from the magazine goes back into the magazine, and I will tell you, it is really well done, it looks as good as a conde nast magazine. And it is very clear that the magazine is a labor of love for him, it is so important to him to show the Latinos in America the different opportunities and freedoms they have here, to teach them to think critically and come out of their shells.

He thinks a lot, (like I do) and he talks even more. Although my mind wanders a bit, I pretty much hang on every word he says. He is really smart, thoughtful, ethical, and unique. Unfortunately, he is not gay, but when I brought it up he showed that he was not homophobic at all, so I will survive.

I am glad he left the house, because once we start talking, he doesn't stop. But I like him a lot, I think he is a nice person, and I think he is inspiring.

Roommate thoughts

One really positive thing- when I got home my roommate Raina was really nice. My feelings were REALLY hurt to hear she had said something about me keeping her awake, and not cashing checks on time, but now I assume that all along it was Jennifer, stirring shit up. She, and Raina's cousin Matthew are MEAN I tell you...MEAN!

And I am REALLY hopeful that Juan is gay. PLEASE JOSE be gay! I have a crush on him (and he is NOT a young or handsome guy) and I want to let my crush be free, not have to hold it back. If he is gay I can be his fag-hag OH PLEASE BE GAY!!!

One thing I need to do is be un-sexy, sister-like. I have a sometimes bad habit, sometimes good, of sending out signals. I think it has a lot to do with wanting attention, if I send out signals and get them back it boosts my ego. It is a terrible addiction.

Speaking of, I have lost over 10 pounds, and the difference is amazing. Men are SO NICE when you are pretty. Thats why men are dicks. But I still love having attractive scum of the earth be nice to me. I missed the attention SO MUCH! When you are overweight you are INVISIBLE, INVISIBLE I tell you. I love being visible. LOOK AT ME BOYS! I WILL DEVOUR YOU YOU FUCKS! ;)

Not really. I want love and babies. My man-eater days are over. I just want the confidence to like who I am and to be the person I want to be