Im doing it all wrong

This wasnt the post I wanted to write, after not writing for so long. i wanted to write one titled "did you miss me?" and give a brief overview of all the great things in my life. But instead, I am writing one about the mistakes I see myself making, in dealing with a crisis.

Juan has broken my fucking heart. I am so hurt I couldnt even write the words a few days ago. He gave me last months rent one month late, and now, this month, when I noticed my bank account was down to $15, I told him "I dont have the money for food" and he gave me $70. He not only didnt give me rent, he didn't even have rent set aside. So naturally I have to kick him out.

He was warned last month. I told him what Tera had done to me, and that if he was late I would kick him out, and I sent him a heartfelt text, and his response was "your next roommate will have to have a lot of money and a lot less projects going on" wrong answer. The correct answer is "I am so sorry, I cant believe I let it get away from me so long" or even better- the correct answer is to pay the rent, on time, or a day late.

So last night I didnt have the money for my medication (fortunately I got paid today so I can go buy it) so I have spent a lot of the day laying in bed and eating cookies. Basically feeling sorry for myself instead of cleaning the house and getting it ready to be shown.

My heart is broken. This is not just the loss of a roommate, but the loss of a friend. I cant tell you how much I love, I mean LOVE Juan. I cant believe he, of all people, would hurt me like this. He is the only roommate I want in this world, but I dont have the money for christmas presents this year, so obviously he has to go.

I am glad I wrote this post. I am going to get out of bed, go to the pharmacy and get my medication, and a healthy lunch (at 3 PM) and I am going to go ahead with my day- strong and powerful. Yes, he hurt me, but I should not hurt me too. I need to take good care of myself right now, because I am one step away from a depression. God i wish I could cry right now.

Oh, and did I mention my friend Joseph in Uganda went to prison for counterfieting money? Yeah, not a good week for me...

But-----I met a boy :) (Who lives in Washington DC) :(

Farmers Tan

I spent 2 weeks in Africa and when did I get a sunburn? Here at home in the North of the US! I have a rediculous farmer's burn on my arms from shopping at a neighborhood garage sale in a nearby suburb.

Have I blogged about Hafiz yet? I didn't blog about Uganda much at all did I? I guess I was spending my time being there instead of blogging about it, I really owe it to myself to blog some of my memories from there.

Well one of my best memories was going to the orphans primary school. There is a lot to say but since it is 1:25AM I will just say there was one orphan with a green shirt on who just shined. Jennifer was teaching the kids camp songs, and he participated and had a great time. He was 13 but with no attitude. When we left we both commented on him, and I couldn't get him out of my mind. In the US he would be the class president, the validictorian, but where he was he may not even get to go to college.

I asked Joseph if the kids from the orphan school go to University. Joseph said "thats our goal" I asked if he went to government school if he'd have a higher chance of going to University and he said yes. Fast forward to today, I am Hafiz's sponsor. So today I bought a lot of stuff for Hafiz' family at the garage sale. Unfortunately it might be a waste of money to ship it all.

There has been so much to blog about. I wish so much I was blogging more right now, so I can remember this amazing time in my life, but I suppose I was barely blogging when I was dating Charles either, and that was an amazing time of my life too.

Speaking of dating, Saaed called me today. According to him "Jasmine" was meant for me. He always says "hello beautiful, or hello sunshine, or hello georgeous" so according to him "Jasmine" was another nickname for me "a flower that blooms at night." He was convincing but he had 2 days to come up with a story.

Maybe (probably) my gut is correct, but if not, then I am pushing away a really hot and sweet guy. But come on, if my intuition is telling me something, then there is probably something there. But maybe I am full of anxiety about him because he could hurt me if I let myself develop feelings, because I would fall in love, even deeper then with Charles, who I wasn't physically hot for. And I am still smarting from the failure of the Charles relationship, so any new relationship would be hard.

Apparently he will be back on Monday. I have told him I think he is a ladies man, and his response was "what do you think?" to which I said, "Uh...I think you are a ladies man" If he's not then I sound like such a dork, and if he is then I sound like a dork. I just cant win can I?

Maybe I will give him a chance (if I can allow myself to) just so I don't regret it in the end. My prediction is he is a player, and I will be able to say "I told you so" in the end. Or worse, what if he is infatuated with me and my citizenship. I dont know what it is, I just cant let my guard down with him. I want so much for him to be sincere, though, because he is very sweet and very hot.

Time for bed. Funny story, I thought my roommate was out of town so I emptied out my bedroom into the living room and she came home. At least I left her a voicemail telling her I was going to.

Last Days in Uganda

Today Jennifer leaves, and I leave the day after tomorrow. I wish that I would have had more time and access to blog more often so I would have recorded my range of emotions, but I only blogged twice, so all you will see is this, I'm tired.

Vacations are tiring in general, but what is really tiring is being a Mzungu (white) in barganing Uganda. Everyone assumes you have a lot of money so they charge more for things if you are a Mzungu. Jennifer was a volunteer in Uganda so she had to keep her costs down to Ugandan prices, so I have learned just how much they inflate the prices for us.

So what am I to do when I am alone without Jennifer? Should I pay the prices they ask, knowing they are unfair? Should I bargain down to Ugandan prices, keeping the people from making money they could use (thats not an option, I am giving money to a Ugandan who needs it more, the orphan scholar.) So that means I have to bargain with people tomorrow, especially for transportation. That is so frustrating.

Tomorrow I am going to a chimp island to watch them feed. I will be paying $55 for the boat ride and the feeding. I hope it is worth it. I am scared, frankly, to be alone here. I don't think anything will happen to me, but I stand out like a sore thumb here and without Jen with me I will be more self-concious. the worst part will be the barganing.

There is an upside. Jen lived in Morocco for years, and if you even get eye contact there with someone you set yourself up to be harrassed, so she can seem a little cold. I wonder if I will have a better experience since I am a warm person, or maybe I will have a worse experience since I will look more like a target.

People really do see white skin as equivilent to wealthy. Many white Americans are unable to distinguish different classes of black people, it appears many Ugandans are unable to distinguish different classes of white people. We were in a ritzy hotel yesterday and no one seemed to notice that we really didn't belong there.

I hoped that this trip would change me, unfortunately it didn't change me the way I hoped. Instead of being inspired to dedicate my life to helping, it has hardened me. I can now see the lifestyle of people in the poorest parts of the world, am aware just how much of the world is like that, and so see that the problems are too big for me to make a noticible dent.

On the other hand, I feel very excited about sponsoring the orphan. He has great potential, and I feel that the money that goes to his education will help exponentially, unlike a meal handed to a beggar. I will keep you up to date with his progress.

And I do have the bug in me. I want to go to India next summer. I know now that I can handle witnessing the poverty. And after feeling important, being treated like I was a volunteer, when really I was just a tourist, felt good. Maybe if I went back to school and became a Physical Therapist I could feel that again. I could donate time offering Physical Therapy to people who cant afford it.

I don't know how I feel when I get back, maybe I will wish I was back here, maybe I will be glad I am home with my privledges like free running water, flushing toilets, and set prices. It will probably be both.

Bye Mzungu

Last night, before I boarded the plane to Entebbe, I met the head of a large Ugandan children’s organization, she inherited it from her mother and was happily moving to England, and leaving the organization to someone else. She warned me not to trust any Ugandans, she said they will tell you any sob story to get your sympathy, and scam you. I appreciated the warning, but I wish she would have said “don’t trust any Ugandan“ , it would be more appropriate to say “don’t trust anyone who asks you for things.” or “don’t give anyone anything.”

I got on the flight and sat next to a prominent grandpa and grandma type. It was not as comfortable as the first class experience I had the night before, I had a hard time sleeping. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom, and the grandma had put her bag under my seat and her bouquet of flowers on my seat. When I returned instead of a “oops, sorry” she asked me if that was my purse under the seat. She was quite the princess. I saw a yellow card on the floor and picked it up and handed it to her. She said to me “Moh” I said “huh?” and she pointed to the ground and said “Moh!” There was another one on the ground, I guess it was my job to pick it up for her too, since I picked up the first one.

I got off the plane and the climate and vegetation were different. There were a dozen people waiting at the bottom of the steps as we got off the plane. There was also a marching band standing a ways away, but not in lines or playing anything, they looked like they could be military. After I bought my visa there were two lines, one if you had something to declare, one if you didn’t. The one that didn’t went straight out the door. Jennifer and Roger were waiting for me in the crowd. Jennifer looked skinny and tan, Roger was much younger than I expected, I expected the leader of an organization to be in their 40’s.

We took a hired car to an office of a Japanese Buddhist’s office where we left our stuff, and then we walked around the streets of Kampala. Kampala is scary as hell. These big taxi vans and motorcycles go barreling through the streets at crazy speeds, and there doesn’t seem to be any road rules, at all. If you step in front of a taxi, it will hit you.

We went to the grocery store with no A/C and got supplies, and then we went to “Peace” restaurant where we met “Mama” who greeted Jennifer with a huge hug where she buried Jennifer’s head in her bosom, and gave me a big welcome hug when she met me. While there I ate Posho, (corn meal) matooke, (banana paste) a turkey leg, rice, chapati (flat bread) and peas. It was all very good food. We alo drank “mirinda fruity” a grape-y soda.

After lunch I was in for the scare of my life. We got on boda-bodas, (motorcycle taxis) and wove through the fast, twisting traffic, at one point actually getting in between two idling taxis, one in front of the other, but we made it back to the office alive. Then we went off to the bus to Lytonde. We walked while Roger took two huge suitcases on a boda-boda. While waiting for the bus we bought a Luganda-English book. We had a lot of fun asking people who wanted to buy things “Oli Mulalu?” “Are you mad?”

We sat on the bus for an hour or so. I took picture after picture, which turned out very professional looking. Some of them are very haphazardly framed, but that actually captures the energy of the city. We got off the bus in Lyantonde and in seconds little children started saying “Mzungu!” and waving. Mzungu means white, and the children seem to see us as some sort of celebrities. As we walk down the street we can hear “Mzungu!” or “Bye Mzungu” (meaning hi) I think it’s adorable, but Jennifer, having lived here for two months, seems tired of it.

The room she stays in is very nice. I was expecting a mut hut in the field, but this has a locking door inside a courtyard with a shared hole in the cement floor around the corner for a bathroom. We played with some kids at the beginning, one which has an infection in his eyes that his mom can get fixed for free, but hasn’t, and he will go blind if she doesn’t. We walked around the area for awhile and then returned to the room. Suddenly we hear “Geev me my bohttle” over and over under the door. “Geev me my bohttle” “Geev me my bohttle” over and over. It was one of the girl we were playing with earlier. There was a water bottle on the windowsill, Jennifer figures she was practicing her English.
In the evening we walked, through the pitch black streets, to a little restaurant where we had beer and pork skewers with cassava, tomatoes, and avacado. I wore a dress that Jennifer had custom made for $12, but was way to big for her.

The weird thing is this whole time, whether in London or Uganda, I haven’t felt I was somewhere foreign. It’s just streets with people. In Africa they happen to mostly be black, and the sanitary conditions are not as nice as they are for us (or safety conditions, I saw a mom with a baby on a boda-boda- no helmets) But it’s just people.

Maybe I need more sleep, who knows. Or maybe I have something figured out. Maybe I am right to not see things as exotic, but to recognize our similarities, the only differences being our environments. Who knows. All I know is I am tired. I did a lot of living today.

Round one of Uganda trip

I got cocky. I just had this good feeling in my gut that I would get on. Boy was that an incorrect instinct. Another airline has sent all their passengers to the London flight I was hoping to get on, and that makes me mad. A competitor's airline passengers get on a flight before a subsidiarie's employee.

So now I will likely have to go home. I really don't want to have to face my roommate, she is probably so mad at me. I figured if I was gone for 3 weeks she might forget she hates me, likely story. What a waste, I so dont have the energy to care about her liking me or not. And indifference like that never leads to a close friendship.

Something else that is getting me mad is if I don't make this flight, then I won't get to Uganda until saturday. Jennifer only had one day of volunteer work planned, so what is going to be the first to go? I am not as interested in a safari as these children. I am getting so irate as I type. I don't think I have a right to be upset, of course paying passengers should come first.

Good news, apparently Chicago is closed, maybe there will be misconnects. Wish me luck.

Stupid shit

All this talk about a crazy pilot and my wanting to make out with him is just silly. Its just nothing.

I can't believe what I am about to face. A country full of death. A country full of children with no parents because they are dead. I know what it feels like to be a child and feel so powerless and afraid and alone.

I know that what I am thinking is going to happen, that I am going to hug an orphan and make them happy for a moment, it's just insulting. It minimizes their pain, trivializes it. I feel like my one week volunteering is no better than no weeks volunteering. It's a novelty act.

I am bringing some teddy bears, hand knitted to the children. I hope that makes a difference. But to say "someone loves you" is nothing. When I was a kid, if someone said "someone loves you" I would think- well where are they? I felt that with my family, they supposedly loved me, so why couldn't they take me out of that house, in squalor with my dad always drunk. I think of the intensity of my pain, and so I know that my experience cannot touch the intensity of their pain. I feel like reaching out to them is cruel, because I cant give them anything, so it's like false hope at best, insulting at least.

And I am embarrassed to write this, I have been bragging about the orphans. My intention of talking about it is partially just processing it, but I am also bragging. Their incredible pain is my "I'm so caring" badge. I'm fucking embarrassed.

I have some Thich Nhat Hahn & Suzuki books to take me through it.

I hope I can do something that will help.

Never leave the house without your hair and makeup done

It was suggested that I should try online dating. Most of my experiences with online dating have been bad, but I realize that was because I was being confronted with my insecurities, inability to assert my boundaries, and overly high expectations. This time around (so far) it has been fun.

How unnecessary for me to be on online dating though, because today I met my husband! I was deadheading to Detroit and this buff guy who looked like a cross between Chris Daughtry and Howie Mandel came and sat next to me. He was very friendly, he said "how are you?" right away when he sat down.

I made a comment about his cowboy hat, and learned he was from Texas. I assumed that he was some dumb motorcycle kind of guy until he told me he lived in Africa (in response to my bringing up Uganda) The moment I realized I was going to marry him was when he told me why he lives there...HE IS A WILDLIFE CONSERVATIONIST PROTECTING OSTRICHES IN NIGER! *swoon*

He showed me pictures and movies, including of a lion pup he raised and nursed to health when the zoo vet gave up on him. *swoon*

So we went through this two hour flight, and I SWEAR he seemed interested in me. He touched me a few times and he left his leg relaxed so it touched mine. I had no makeup on and I didn't bother to do anything but my hair but wash it, but I will say I held my own with him, I was confident and eloquent, impressive maybe.

So at the end I waited for him to offer or request an e-mail address, but got nothing. It was so opposite of the signals he was sending me (which were so gentlemanly- like interested, but not sleazily interested) fortunately I was able to run after him with a little knob and say "is this the thing you were looking for?" (he dropped something and couldn't find it)

It was so great. I lingered a bit and asked him "what are you doing now?" and he seemed interested in having dinner or coffee. So we are on our way, in the tunnel, and I realize- OH MY GOD I FORGOT MY SUITCASE!!!!

You heard me. I was so sprung on the boy in the cowboy hat that I FORGOT MY OWN SUITCASE! I said to him "oh my god I forgot my bag I have to go- It was nice meeting you!" And I walked the wrong way on the moving walkway as he slowly glided away, his cowboy hat sillouetted in the colorful lights of the tunnel, like lovers in a movie, torn apart, never to see each other again, even though they were meant to be.

I got back to the gate and got my bag back with a laugh. I went to sit down to write a blog post about the event, and I realized I ALSO FORGOT MY PHONE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I walked back to the gate, with my head held low like an ostrich trying to hide from a predator, and told the lady I had forgotten yet another thing.

So my husband, if your reading this...call me! I miss you. Smooches.

UH! I would TOTALLY have moved to Niger to live in a mud hut with him!

How to be happy

My right blinker wasn't working for quite some time, and last night I FINALLY replaced it, I felt so happy!

Now I am sorting my laundry (nearly all the clothes I own is dirty- hee hee) and I feel a little better the less messy my room is. So why am I laying in bed typing this post instead of continuing?

I think the key to making myself happy has got to be to accomplish things. When my room is completely clean it makes me so happy. I just have the issue that when I push myself too hard my system shuts down, like an overstimulated baby, so just saying "get it done" doesn't work for me.

Hmmmm, what did work was paying myself for my work. I gave myself a wage and bought clothes. The clean house made me happy, and the clothes made me happy. Maybe I will do that again, although I don't have any money to spare if I am going to Uganda/possibly going to mainline.

I have some bad habits that are really holding me back. I would like to stop that.

I'm really tired! I don't want to do this!

I am so tired. I was up 21 hours yesterday and then woke up this morning at 8 to do a 10K (which ended up being a 5K, because we took a wrong turn)

I am so tired I can't think, and figuring out how to non-rev to Uganda is hard as hell! I have never done it, and there are so many legs of the trip! Jennifer needs to know when I will be there tomorrow, and I have no way of telling her that answer! For all I know I will be in the Amsterdam airport for a week!

I really need to take a nap, this is too hard for me

Yay for me!

Well, I half cleaned my room. It is still not how I like it, there is a cardboard box full of stuff to be sorted, a pile as big as a mountain full of dirty clothes, and the rug needs vaccuuming, but it looks like a messy human being lives here, not a mental case.

It's funny, I was a little dissociated when I did it. I felt like I was cleaning up after someone else. It was the healthy me cleaning up after the sick me. And I am feeling hopeful that the sick me can stay underwraps for awhile.

Thats the thing. I am not seeing my depression related problems as "me" anymore, I am seeing them as the sickness. That is a really good thing about going to therapy, it has taught me not to see depression as my identity, which I definately did. My identity is a very nice, smart, funny and analytical. The things that are attached to the depression are symptoms of the sickness, not me. I have depression, not am depression.

Well, the reason I stopped cleaning was I was at a stopping point, and have something I need to focus on, my taxes. I have to get them done so I can have money for Uganda. I really should have been more proactive in the money situation, I have been spending a lot and not doing all the money things I should. I still don't know what the tickets are going to cost me, well and there are a lot of things not done yet. Okay, I am feeling anxious now, time to get back to work.

Bye!

Bears for the Babies!

Guess what!

I got in contact with an organization that has volunteers make teddy bears for aids orphans, and they are giving me 50 bears for the orphanage that I am going to!

Not only that, but they need a contact in Uganda to pick up bears from the post office, and take them to orphanages in the area! So not only are they helping me, I am helping them!

I am also excited about the fact that I have an excuse to take the kid's pictures! I have this fantasy of taking each childs pic, putting it in a frame, and sending it to them, let's see if I can actually accomplish it though.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Placebo Sick

This morning I had 5 shots for 6 vaccinations shoved into my arms. I got these for my trip to Uganda in may. I was told that they would make me feel sick, so now I am laying around in bed, pretending like I feel sick, but I suspect I don't really feel sick, I think I am placebo sick.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but I had 2 cups of coffee, so there is no way I am actually feeling sick, or if I am, it's because I bought a bag of 50% of easter jellybeans and ate most of it.

Feel sorry for me