Thursday, March 05, 2009

Music makes me lonely

I have put together a nice little entertainment center for myself. A TV, DVD player, VCR and little radio the has an auxiliary option that I can use for my iPod or computer. Right now I am listening to a few of my favorite CDs that I have been able to upload to my iPod, and getting this familiar ache.

What I am about to say isn't a revelation, it isn't even my idea, and I probably have said it already a dozen times. I am not lonely for a man, I am lonely for myself! I believe this is why I can't commit to a nice, boring cubicle worker...I keep wanting a man to bring me the stimulation that I am not giving myself in my life!!!

Look at the guys who do it for me...musicians, filmmakers, writers, photographers; successful business or activist types; scientists; people who regularly participate in active things like biking & hiking. Now this is all well and good, you should share interests, but that ache isn't for their company, it's for their inspiration. Its the reminder of myself. I have not been successful at any of these things, and so I am making that antiquated "woman" mistake of trying to create fullfillment from someone else's accomplishments.

I know this was the attraction with Toronto Jackass. His music is just. fucking. brilliant. God he was a jackass, and of course with that 30% sympathetic personality, it just kept me hooked, even with the complete knowledge that he was a jackass. I started writing back and forth with him while I was seeing Mike. He started it. I just responded on Myspace that I loved the music, and the conversation went from there. The hours we spent writing inspired me to ask Mike for more time together, and during our online chats I got to observe the creation of the most beautiful song, which comforted me through the breakup with mike, and the blow-off from Jimmy, the brother of the man that married my cousin. The way T.J. acted I would not put up with from anyone, except maybe him, or a member of Fischerspooner or Royksopp. He pulled that creative part out of me, and I am happy to say I don't want to put her back.

God, I can't believe how conformist I have become over the years. One thing I wonder is if I need to leave my state, where people are very subdued. I constantly feel like I am "too much" and I can't think that withholding my enthusiasm is good for my mental health. I think back to how obsessed I would get with things, particularly music. I would buy a "Q" magazine and just melt into the pages, fawning with the "ravers" in particular, in denial of how much drugs were involved with their elaborate personas. Now I try not to get too excited, because I know I sound like a nut-job. But the only time I get anything creative accomplished is when I let myself get lost in my own head. (did I mention I wrote a poem about how much my company pisses me off? :) )

This is not an "I'm gonna" post. I already am changing. I had my tonsils removed in December, and it helped me make a big leap forward in my depression. I am pretty sure I had sleep apnea (It was never officially diagnosed, but they removed the tonsils anyway because I am frequently sick) and I am pleased to say I have noticed far less depression. It was the norm for me to wake up 4-5 times a night, I didn't know I was capable of sleeping the night through. Now that I can, I am a completely different person. I am getting so many little projects done, ones that seemed so big before. I sincerely think I have been living my life half asleep for as long as I can remember. Who knew that tonsils could be so disabling?

Also, I have pulled myself out of my depression by being easy on myself. I got myself in it by pushing myself so hard to be this perfect person, and I had to change my way of motivating myself. I have let myself take it easy, as I emerged from the depression, but I have been in remission for awhile now, and it's time I stop focusing on survival, and frankly, getting a life!

I am so glad I have my stereo set up, so I can be reminded of that "special someone" that I deserve in my life. My old self!

SIDE NOTE, me & T.J. have barely spoken since our tryst. He had a girlfriend with an "open" relationship. I believe him, or I wouldn't have done it. He made her out to sound like a big drug addict, and I shared with him what I know about addicts, that all you can do is support them getting better or leave. He did, but he got defensive about my (perfectly sensitive) response to the news. I tried to open dialogue, but it never went anywhere. He is touring in India now, and based on my Facebook stalking him, I am pretty certian they are back together, or going to be. There are two good things I can say about this. One, he posted something about his religious pilgramage, and how it made him want to be a better person. It makes me feel good to know that he will have more peace in his life, and two...I knew what I was getting into. I knew I wouldn't get what I needed or deserved from him, but I followed my passion, and didn't get (very) hurt. I can even listen to his music now without feeling a pang. It may be because I feel hope he will have a better life. It sucks to see someone being miserable, and have the gut feeling they will remain miserable (because they are a jackass)

UPDATE: After writing this I was taking a shower, and felt this old, familiar feeling...happiness. I know my life will be better when I make these changes. How 'bout that!