Monday, July 30, 2007

Night and Day

I was absolutely right yesterday, I wasn't depressed, I was tired as hell. Today I feel like a new human being, or should I say, like a human being, period. It's like the world is clear, where yesterday everything was in a fog. I feel glad.

Also, something worth noting, I am losing weight like crazy. Not like crazy, but noticibly. I am down 5-7 pounds now, and oddly enough, my appetite is gone. I am not condoning this, but yesterday I ate a mini-bag of popcorn and two bowls of high fiber hot cereal with butter and sugar in it. I am not saying I am pleased that I ate so little, but that I am shocked that my appetite would allow me to eat so little- if I just start eating healthier foods, like lots of vegetables, I can lose a lot and be taking great care of myself in the process.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I get tired

I have been getting a lot less sleep on my trips the last few weeks. The trips have been fun, but the sleep limited. Yesterday I woke up at 5AM, got off work around 11AM, and went straight to Target to get invitations for the bridal shower I am throwing next month for my sister Linda. I then went to a coffee shop I like and made invitations out of 20 blank cards and a calligraphy pen.

Next thing I went shopping with Linda, then stayed at her house making little baggies full of hershey kisses until 1:30AM

Today was less of a good day. I am behind on one dose of anti-depressant (because my toiletry bag was left behind on the plane) and I am tired from 4 days of sleep deprivation.

My cousins are in town, but lately my anger has returned about my dad, not so much about the past, but the realization that we are still playing the "daddy-daughter game" where we pretend that we are a normal family, nothing has actually been resolved, all thats different is it is much less offensive for me to play along. My anger got re-sparked a few weeks ago when during a conversation with my dad, when I was sharing my struggles with depression, he made a comment that suggested I had a normal, healthy upbringing. Although delicate about it, I felt it would be undignified for me to let that go, and he had made some comment about me "venting" alot to him as a child, which was his interpretation I guess of me sobbing repeatedly for years "Dad! Stop drinking! I need a parent in my life!" When I explained to him the reality of the situation I think his response was satisfactory, but that didn't stop the reminder in my head that my dad doesn't feel as bad about my lost adolecence as I do. He doesn't see the damage he did- and yet I am forgiving him.

No, I am not wrong to forgive him, I just have to address this part of my life in therapy. My dad will forever be an aquaintence, he will never play the role of father to me, but I should still keep him in my life. FYI, in writing this I feel so overwhelmed with anger. My dad behaved very indifferent to me, as if I was his nagging wife and not his daughter. That was the most painful part, he used to really love me, and then he started drinking and decided I was a bitch.

So I was reluctant to call there today, at 5PM I called and learned that dinner took place at 3PM (huh?) but its all resolved now. I have another day off (yay!) and will go tomorrow. Hopefully after I have renewed my driver's licence (finally) and mailed out the invites and care package for my sponsor child.

More complaining- last night when I was chatting with Linda I confessed some of my anger about people. We had a little wine, and I dont think she intended to but Linda was critisizing some of my ideas, which really hurt my feelings, because I have a little "tough love" in me, and I am very self concious about anything that makes me sound remotely like a republican. I think it was a knee-jerk response from her, the kind you would use in a debate on the opposite side as you, and it hurt a little.

Then, to add to the unpleasantness yesterday my neighbor acted worse than usual. There was a mistake he made a month or so ago where he mistook me for another friend when I called. So he tried to invite me out drinking last night (even though I have told him I dont want to do drinking activities with him) and what I thought was a joke, I said I was his friend, and he said I was his friend, and I assumed (obviously) that it was a joke- since he was the one who called me.

I got home to see he wrote me an e-mail saying "its saturday night and I bet your sitting in your garbage house on the internet" He sent 2 emails afterwards apologizing for acting like an idiot, but I still sent him an e-mail saying to fuck off, and that it's funny to get insults from someone with "such superior coping choices" as him. He wrote back and said I was right and he wont "bother" me again. And I think thats fine. I don't like having drunks in my life in the first place, once they become hurtful what reason do I have to keep them around? Some people say addicts can reform, which is true, but it's more common that they just get worse.

At 5PM today I took a 2 hour nap. I felt like I couldn't stop myself. I know all this laziness today is because I am sincerely tired. Maybe my day could have been better spent, but I know this isn't depression, its fatigue.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Horray! I'm overweight!

I put my weight and height into a BMI scale and learned that I am no longer obese, I am only overweight! HOORAY!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Who the hell am I???

My roomate is in the next room watching the debates on CNN. I am watching Scott Baio is single and 45 online. Who the hell am I?

My early childhood in 3 minutes 40 seconds

Before my dad was an incapacitated alcoholic, he was eccentric and smart, which to a little girl equals the coolest person on the planet. This was (one of) my favorite songs as a little girl. I would beg him "daddy! Can we listen to the robot song?"

Friday, July 20, 2007

I feel optimistic

2 days no risperdal

You know what? I think I am going to survive without risperdal. I will be a little too hyper and a little too tense, but I will cope. I have learned a lot about what is reasonable to get upset about and what isn't, and after being a calm person for 2 years, thats normal to me now, so I don't think I can go back to how I was before.

Also there is a lot of good things about being off risperdal. My weight for one. Also I am more energetic and feel more emotions, making me more likely to cry- which is a great catharsis.

I think I am going to make it

Thursday, July 19, 2007

No Risperdal

When I went to visit my family I had the worst time getting ready to go. i kept pushing back the time I said I would go, and I seriously considered not going. That would have been so stupid. I hung out and giggled with my girl cousins, walked around a beautiful lake, had a picnic with the whole family (including my awesome grandpa) and distributed Uganda souveniers, and had a campfire with smores. I didn't feel a moments depression when I was there (and I have before when I was there)

So yesterday I decided I felt strong enough to taper down to no risperdal. So today was my first day without.

I started out just fine, but on my flight to white plains I nearly lost it. People were getting up when they werent supposed to and one guy was so stupid that I wont even tell the story. At the end of the flight I said "I was in Uganda where people live in mud huts, and they have more class than these people" and I turned my head and there was the jerk-off. Ha ha

I went with the pilots to the restaurant in the hotel, and the waitress was so rude that I told the pilots "you know what? I can't deal with this...I'm going for a bike ride" (the hotel has bikes :) ) I am glad I did, the bike ride helped.

I think I might not take it tonight either, though I worry I might be making a mistake. Maybe I should be doing this under the observation of a professional, though I think if I feel too weird I can just take it again and then call someone.

I'm not happy to go back to being hyper and irritable. Although there are some plus sides, I am more bubbly and I laugh harder. Maybe I can just learn to contain myself a little, and keep my composure and it will be fine.

And some sleep would help

Monday, July 16, 2007

Speaking of Europe...

It is all about England for me right now. I have been listening to Roll Deep alot, & I just bought Lily Allen and Cornershop CD's. I just love Dizzy Rascal and the Streets. Yet I was THERE, and I went to no clubs, nothing.

The saddest part of it is I had met a person who is into hip-hop (the guy who proposed marriage to me and told me he loved me because I let him be inappropriate with me at the train station) He totally could have showed me the scene! I feel like the stupidest jerk, what did I do instead? Look at tower bridge. I can look at tower bridge when I'm 50, nows the time for grime.

I could go back, but my friend out there is a little unstable. He's cute, but a little intense, besides, he doesn't live in London anymore.

Foolish Diana!

I got an STD

In the last week I have been looking at porn, and now I have a computer virus. I got what I deserved.

Really, porn is not a good thing for me to look at. In fact, I think sneeking looks at my dad's porn as an adolecent is part of why I am so screwed up when it comes to men. The porn actresses do not act like normal women, and the porn actors are the grossest of gross when it comes to men. If this is how I learned about sex no wonder I have such problems with my sexuality, and that doesn't bide well for this generation that is raised being able to look at porn on the computer easily while both parents are at work at their second jobs.

One thing I enjoyed in my little adventure in porn was observing porn from different cultures. Two series I thought were very entertaining came from eastern Europe, where the women seemed to enjoy their sexual escapades, it seemed very fun and playful, if I am not mistaken I think that is how sex is supposed to be. Indian porn had guys wearing scarves around their faces. And the weirdest was from Japan, where the women made very high pitched sounds, and instead of being sounds of pleasure, they were sounds of pain. This was even during cunilingus! Ouch! How painful!

The worst of the worst was the american porn. How unbelievably hateful it is. I am convinced that this has to do with our puritan Christian culture. We have been taught that sex is bad and so the dynamic seems to be repeatedly to punish the women for having sex. I am yet to see middle-eastern porn, but I imagine it is as bad or worse.

So I think that the verdict is I should marry a European. Sounds good to me, but I don't think they can remain faithful to save their lives. At least I can have something on the side too. Pierre, Sven, Antonio, call me!

[DISCLAIMER: The subject of this post is not an invitation for sexually themed e-mails]

Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Rght Direction

I think that my realization that I was dwelling on my crabbiness and misery and making it worse has done me some good. I still have done my share of laying in bed with my computer on my lap, but eventually I was up and cleaning my house. I cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and living room, and now I am finally tackling my bedroom.

My therapist told me that you can't unlearn what you have learned. It makes sense. I may have flirted with the idea that I am unloveable and a failure, but now that I am aware that that is untrue, I wasn't able to hold onto it for long. I eventually had to admit to myself that I am not a loser, but in fact very smart and tenatious, and that I will cope with the increased anxiety, I will be imperfect, but it is time that I learned that that is inevitable.

Wish me luck that I finish cleaning my room. My instincts say I will :)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Shifting Relationship

I hung out with my neighbor for the first time in a long time. The last time we hung out we were going to have sex, and when I was in a vulnerable position, ready for him to begin, he stopped and patted the bed saying "lets talk" and told me that he would prefer I tell him I love him, instead of the more profane talk. At one point I was in that vulnerable position again, and he wanted to talk again. That was it for me, I got my clothes on and decided I would never have sex with him again. This isn't the first time things have been weird. With the chemistry we have it shouldn't be that way.

I don't think he is intentionally weird, I think it has something to do with his sexual functioning from the antidepressants he takes, but that didn't change the fact that it makes me feel frustrated and, most of all, embarrassed. Being in the throws of passion you look pretty stupid, and if the action stops in the middle you are stuck looking and feeling like a freak, not to mention being all worked up without any satisfaction. Sex is supposed to make you feel good, not bad, so I don't want it with him anymore.

He just got back from a trip, we chatted and caught up, and I told him about the back probelms I have been having. He offered me a backrub and when I reminded him that I want our relationship to change, he promised it was just a backrub and I went up.

The backrub felt amazing. Not only did I get a backrub, but it was a backrub by someone I am very attracted to, so it felt twice as good. I also rubbed his back, and he said that he had been in a down mood, but that the backrub helped.

Howabout that for mutual benefit? Trading backrubs. It's nurturing and good for everyone's health. He's good at it, I'm good at it. If one of us is feeling down we can help each-other out (unlike with sex, where if you are feeling down you don't feel sexy) and we live close to each-other so it would be convenient.

I also have decided to hang out with him in more sporty/healthy ways. He drinks on a regular basis and while I wouldn't say he is an alcoholic, I enjoy him less when he's drunk. He likes to work out and do outdoorsy things, so I think I will skip the bar crawls, (which usually bore me if there's no music or dancing anyway) and just hang out with him in healthier ways.

He's a good guy. I want good things for him. I hope that our friendship can progress and have substance if the sex is gone.


So I'm miserable, so the tinyest tasks seem like moving mountains, that is all very unfortunate, but I am making it worse by the way I dwell on it.

I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?

When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.

Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.

So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)

I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.

I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.

I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.

I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Learn some manners

It's en vogue nowadays to say "we can learn a lot from the animal kingdom about living in tune with nature" but I say that the animal kingdom has a lot to learn from us.

I have a bird feeder outside my window, and these birds just hop on the bird feeder and scatter the seed all over the place. They stick their little beak in and toss the corn aside to get to the sunflower seeds, and scatter it to the ground.

A human would at least leave the corn where it was, they wouldn't toss it over their shoulder, and if they knew the person who BOUGHT the seeds was watching them eat, they would tuck the corn underneath something else at least, to not rub it in the buyer's face that their purchace is just being piled onto the ground.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I want my mom

My last post got me thinking. What is my very favorite addiction? Boys :) This has been the case since I turned 12, and went from an ugly duckling to a swan. I have found attention intoxicating, and have felt at my worst when I was obese and not getting any attention.

Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.

This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.

Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.

I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.

Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)

So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.

I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.

Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.

What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.

I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!

Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.

I lost my temper today

It hasn't been great since cutting my Risperdal dose. It has been very sad, in fact. I was getting used to myself being a certian way, easygoing, happy, pleasant, and then I had to cut the Risperdal dose. Now I am much more irritable, and I feel like I am not myself anymore, and the person I am I don't like.

Today we were returning home from Canada, and we were sent to a gate with customs, so the rampers werent familiar with our plane. They knocked, and were supposed to wait until I opened the door, but since they were unfamiliar with our plane they just kept knocking then opened the door themselves. I looked out the door and snapped "I wasn't cleared to open the door yet!" and then when they just sort of stood there, not putting the railings down, I pulled out the pins myself and slammed the railings down. Geez! What a bitch! Those rampers probably felt stupid, they may have never encountered a CRJ before and I made a big scene about it. I feel like such a jerk.

Since being so irritable and stress prone I am no longer hungry for children, but it's not in a good way, like I am not obsessed anymore, instead it's in a sad way, I just know I can't handle kids, and I question if I can even have a relationship, so I no longer see kids as within my realm of possibility anymore. Oh how sad. And I haven't even gotten off the Risperdal all the way. I feel the person that I am melting away and being replaced with a tense bitch. I feel really unloveable, mostly because I don't like myself anymore. I am judgemental of people who scowl or snap at people, I am judgemental of alcoholics and angry people, and now look at me, I am in the shoes of those people again. (Not alcoholics, but I can see how easy it is to become one)

I was in Office Max the other day and a guy was really eager to help me. I just thought to myself that he really ought to keep his distance, because the closer he gets the uglier he will realize I am, because I am really, really crabby and unpleasant on the inside. You know thats where I chose the last name "Crabtree" for myself right? Because I am so regularly crabby.

One thing that has made a big difference? I bought a Homedics Shiatsu Massage Cushion for myself. It was $150 and worth every penny. I guess the way food or sex can bring much needed pleasant sensations, this can too, but without the negative side effects.

Time to go back to therapy

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

A little depression creeping in

Today I woke up at noon. I got to bed by 12AM, but yet I woke up at noon for some reason.

I went to get printer ink with a scowl on my face.

Look, I am too blah to even write a blog post.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Connecting to another dimension

I just remembered my dream last night. I was going to get to talk to my mom. There was some trans-dimension connection that I had been connected with, and everyone was very excited for me. My whole family was saying "come quick! We have a connection! She is calling for you (the code was my middle name, of a famous Indian woman.)

I remember the run up to talking to her, but not the conversation. I think if the conversation took place I would remember it.

I do remember my childhood friend Ria was visiting me, it was at the house I lived in after my mom died. I tried to straigten her hair, but it looked burnt and sticky from the hairspray.

God I love remembering my dreams. Its like going on a vacation to another planet. In dreams anything can and does happen, and us, with our normal lives, get to experience completely bizarre things.

Too bad the stories of dreams dont translate the way vacation memories do.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Smiling People are funny looking

I just saw someone smiling really big and walking. They looked really weird. I smile and walk sometimes. I must look weird.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Musical Interlude

What makes men fall in love

I just read the article What makes men fall in love and you know what, I think it's very possible that Saaed could be on his way there with me. I think I got really freaked out, because he wasn't the converstionalist I would want, and yet he would still have the ability to hurt me if he cheated or treated me wrong, and I freaked out.

I am not saying it was meant to be between us, just that if I had not gotten jealous and suspicious, I think it's possible he was falling for me. It's all for the best I guess. :(

(Now I am feeling like I miss him, but I have only started missing him when I started reading this article)

Oh speaking of men...Yesterday my 50 year old captain touched my face in front of the First officer and said "Isn't she pretty? Look at her eyes" I thought he meant it in a cute little niece way, but now I am thinking differently. Then, this morning the Gate Agent gave me his number, and then, on that same flight, a passenger wrote a poem that he said I inspired him to write! Geez, I guess a week of weight watchers is doing me good!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Letter I plan to send to my Psychiatrist

Dr G,

Your behavior over the phone on July 3rd was rude and it was dangerous. You made an error, and had you listened to what I was saying you would have realized this. I write this letter so I may point out your error, and encourage you to be more careful when speaking with your patients.

Two weeks ago you told me to call you in two weeks. All I did was follow your instructions, I cut my dose in half, and I called you in two weeks. When I called I EXPECTED to make an appointment, that however could not happen, because the first thing that came out of your mouth was “I know your trying to save money but…” and then you repeatedly accused me of trying to receive free services from you, when it’s YOU who chooses not to have a receptionist, so I had no choice but to call you.

Fortunately all I have suffered is anxiety that I have no psychiatrist monitoring me during the frightening time of tapering off my anxiety medication. However, two years ago, such an event would send me rocking in a corner, paralyzed, and likely set off a depression. Five years ago, to be mistreated by a mental health professional, a literal lifeline, likely would have triggered me to harm myself.

As a mental health professional you have a responsibility to keep an even keel, to pay close attention to what you say and what you have instructed, and to listen before assuming things. All people deserve to be treated with respect, but patients who have mental health challenges are especially vulnerable. I am grateful that I was the recipient of your wrath, instead of a more fragile patient.

Please send me an itemized invoice of every appointment and payment I made in 2006, along with a check for any credit to my account.


Diana Crabtree

What happened with Dr. G

I was referred to Dr. G by my therapist. At this point I was desperate for help for my anxiety, because I would have to drop out of a class if I did not tackle it. On the plus side it was easy to get an appointment with him, and the appointment was very long. However on the first appointment he seemed annoyed with me. I took it personally at the time, I assumed I was annoying.

I had been having itchy palms, which I was convinced was a psychosomatic response to my anxiety, like hives. I kept bringing it up and he ignored it, he did not tell me “I don’t think that is related, you’ll need to see your primary care physician about that” He instead finally huffed “see a dermatologist.” I was offended, but at the time I was desperate, so I stayed with him.

In the following visits he sometimes acted nice, sometimes acted superior, but he prescribed me a drug that worked very well for me, was easy to get appointments with, and was thorough, so I stayed put.

Months later my finger started twitching, a serious side effect of the drug I was prescribed. I left a frightened message on his voice mail and he returned my call the next day. He said I should come in and he will look at my finger, and I said “either way I want to get off the drug” He said that was great and told me to cut my dose in half and call him in two weeks. I mentioned to him that I was also lactating (another side effect) and he laughed heartily. I have a good sense of humor so I was able to laugh, but that was really insensitive.

As instructed, I called him back in two weeks, expecting we would make an appointment (he has no receptionist) instead, the first thing out of his mouth was “I know you are trying to save money, but I can’t keep giving you these free consultations over the phone, I should really be getting paid for my services” (the way I write it sounds polite, but the words and tone he used were full on accusations, the way he saw it, I was calculatedly trying to get free services- like I was a thief) I tried to remind him that he told me to call him in two weeks, but he would not stop. He must have repeated it half a dozen times, at one point I had to say loudly “I GOT IT! Stop!” And to hang up. The whole issue could have been avoided by telling me he can not give me instructions or answer questions over the phone without a fee, he never did that, and he apparently forgot that he told me to call him. He has forgotten things before, but that could be normal.

I don‘t think Dr. G is a good fit in the mental health field. He seems smart, but he sometimes behaves annoyed and superior, which can intimidate a psych patient, and discourage them from getting treatment. I also wonder if he takes his patient’s subjective opinion seriously. He once made a comment about my “So-called Social Phobia” I may not seem to have it now, because I am doing well, but it shouldn’t be dismissed, it has been a very real and disruptive part of my life.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Is it a bad thing if your psychiatrist is a senile lunatic?

So I was maybe going to stop the Risperdal today, waiting on a call from my Psychiatrist. He told me to call after 2 weeks. So I did.

First thing out of his mouth was that "I know you are trying to stretch your money out but..." and then just goes off on me about how he can't be giving out these free services, and then I mentioned he told me to call back and I did, he did not listen, he just kept going on and on about how I was trying to get free services and that I owed him money for what he has given me. It got to the point that I had to cut him off and say "a da da da da...okay...I got it." and nearly hang up on him. Two weeks ago when I told him I was lactating, he laughed. I mean he laughed like it was really funny to him.

What a fool this guy is! He is a PSYCHIATRIST, he is dealing with MENTAL PATIENTS, and this is the level of calmness and sensitivity he can muster. I just imagine myself as a younger, vulnerable person, and I can see myself rolling into a ball, feeling completely alone. I am close to tears, and really am not pleased to have this happen when I am going through the upsetting experience of having to reduce my medication. He is "semi retired" and I think he should retire completely.

And I cant even get myself to do my laundry. This is just fantastic.

Please watch this!

I saw this commercial in England. I am so happy I found it on youtube!!!

Monday, July 02, 2007

On the fence

On a half dose of Risperdal I am overwhelmed by anger. I am angry at the rudeness of people, I am angry at the leaders for their greed and willingess to kill innocent people. I am angry that my dad chose tequila instead of taking care of me when I had no one else in the world. I am angry that men's brains are wired to understand systems, instead of understanding people, and are so selfishly focused on competing with, instead of helping their fellow human beings. I am angry that the American economic system is stimulated by people and the enviroment being exploited. I am overwhelmed by anger, and that makes me angry. Can you imagine what it will be like when I have no Risperdal at all?

But then there is the flipside. Risperdal is raising my prolactin levels, and so I think my hormones are telling me I need a family. I want a family so desperately. I want to be madly in love with the father so the kids have a stable, healthy home to grow up in. This is nearly impossible in the condition I am in, I am angry and bitter, and at the same time have marriage and kids overtaking my mind. A lethal combination that will scare off any person, especially a man.

I think I will have to go off 100%, because going back on could give me tardive dyskinesia and diabetes, and of course a fat ass. Maybe my personality will be unattractive to men, but at least I won't want one so desperately. (And unless I get a better job, I can't afford a child on my own)

OH! That should really be my new life plan. To get a good paying job, so I can afford to adopt a parentless child. A man should not be in my life plan. It should only be a bonus if it happens, but I should no longer hope for it.

Yeah, I'll stop taking it.

How did you get here? Why do you read this?

Did you get here by searching for "threesome", "sex", or "lactation" hoping to find something juicy to masturbate to? If so, your in the wrong place.

Until now I have posted about my sex life. I wrote about it because I thought it was funny, it helped me explore my sexuality (it is my diary after all,) and I think sexual dynamics in our diverse culture is very interesting, especially to women who have experienced the same embarrassments, or to help men to understand the minds of women.

But for me to think that I could write about sex in the descriptive way I did and not have it be read as pornography, was naive at best. If a woman walks down the street in a tight red dress because she think she looks pretty she will likely hear an unwelcome comment. By allowing her form to be seen she has to know those comments might come along. It's not fair, but its reality.

The majority of Feminists are not man-haters, but a percentage of them are. There is a reason for that. A Feminist recognizes her worth, and what she deserves, and once you recognize these things, you recognize when things are not fair. There is a strong Christian and Islamic influence in this world, America included, and these influences contribute to keeping women in their place. If the woman stays chaste her choices and chance for sexual pleasure are restricted, if she claims her sexuality as her own she is treated disrespectfully. The reason why some Feminists are man haters is because they fully recognize the hatred that they are treated with by men.

It really is a shame that I am not writing about myself as a sexual person anymore. Why? Because I think the men of the world should get it in their fucking heads that if a woman is an openly sexual person, it is NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO PLEASE RANDOM MEN! It is because she wants to please herself! What a concept! The exception to this rule is sex workers, who want to please random men because it brings them economic gain, and women who have been abused (alot of them out there) and will exchange sex for love.

I think men should all just fuck eachother, and women should all just own vibrators (vibrators last long enough and are talented enough to give women orgasms.) Science is leading to us being able to have children without you men, so we will be rid of you soon enough, just you wait.
"When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land." ~Desmond Tutu