Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I am un tapering off lexapro

It was almost a month. I have been crabby, more energetic, more emotional (bad and good), more insecure, as I got some of my sex drive back. And more anxious.

I did not do this under the assistance of a doctor. I did not do this with a therapist talking me through it. So I quit.

The good thing of this is, I know I can do it. And I will again. Maybe someday I will have a baby, and then I will go off completely, surviving this has shown me it's possible.

I just don't want to do it right now. Probably because of how insecure I have felt since being called unattractive by a douchebag. If I already have to be fat and messy, at least I should be fat and messy and confident.

So, I dont see this as a failure. It was an experiment. A successful experiment. It will suck that I went through withdrawl and will have to one day experience it again, but thats just that. I need to get on with my life right now.

I will miss my libido though...

Friday, April 22, 2011

I want to increase my Lexapro again

...There is nothing stopping me. I could do it, my Rx remains the same. I just should do it at the same time as seeing a therapist.

I am still torn up about what that guy said to me 2 days ago. Who cares if a guy finds you unattractive? It's not a big deal, it's just one guy, but it has stuck in my craw. Maybe it has tapped into something, a fear of mine of "dying alone." (he commented on only wanting women who are at an age that can have children) Maybe it is because I was pretty sure that we HAD chemistry, seriously...if I was mistaken by that then it makes me question my instincts. Maybe it is because he did it without my even expressing any certain interest, after HE asked me to a movie. Maybe it's because I got up at 3AM, 3 days in a row.

Right now, I am actually feeling like it was a blessing. A real blessing. I need to see how attractive I am NOT as a way to choose my potential mates. If a sorta fat guy likes me, I should go for it, if I think I could tolerate him. And I should get over my desire to not date right now, because it might be the price I need to pay to get married, ever. Ugh.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lexapro Taper Temper Tantrum

I was thinking this afternoon how well my tapering is going. After a week or so the crabbiness has worn off a bit, and I just have a boost of energy.

I have been getting up at 3AM for the past few days for work, and so I am overtired, but making it through. And what happens? A cool, attractive, & slightly older guy called to invite me to a movie. He definitely likes me, if it was sexual I was unsure of, but having him invite me to a movie certainly gave me a cue.

I am in Toronto so when he called I texted him to send me a facebook message. We write a few messages back and forth and he sends one that says "You know, I asked a bunch of people if they knew anyone single and 2 of them said YOU. I think you are nice and all, but I need that animal attraction. Grunt."

OK, first off, the animal attraction on my side is there, and usually I don't feel attraction unless I am getting it back. But it is irrelevant. This came out of nowhere, I didn't suggest myself as a potential new girl, he just said it. Without prompting, I was told I am not attractive enough for a man in his late 40s.

You know, I am too chicken to go out into the dating world. If we had gone to a movie I might have decided I was interested, and then when he rejected me, it would have been a response to me putting myself out there. But instead it just followed me in my little shell "you aren't attractive enough for me" and I wasn't even sure I was interested in him!

So my first instinct was very confident, just to say "You arent attracted to ME? Then you arent a MAN!" but as I was trying to come up with things to say, I just started feeling bad feelings. Hurt. And I decided I don't have to play along. He insulted my appearance for no good reason (he didn't even have to mention that people suggested me) my feelings were hurt, so I told him. Assertively.

Then he wrote back and apologized, and he said something like "I thought I could be honest with you" I don't know, that rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, he could be honest with me, but I didn't ask if I measured up to his standards. I was pretty sure he was showing sexual interest, not platonic interest, but I wasn't going to come out and say it. HE sort of came to ME.

So I said "Well let me be honest with you. I think if you are 50, you should be happy to find someone 50. If having kids was a priority, than you should have had them in your 30s. Did you ask my opinion about this? No, you didn't, but you got it." Aggressive.

He said something about "She has to be young enough to have/want kids" and that pissed me off. I don't know what pissed me off about it, but it was like that is why he wants a woman, an incubator for his DNA. Had he said he prefers that I might have seen it differently. But hearing a comment like that really nauseated me, and in the same message he is telling me I don't meet HIS qualifications.

Wow, and now that I examine it, it was a double insult. "You aren't attractive enough to date, and in a few years there are a lot fewer men who will want you because your reproductive organs, the most important thing about a woman, will not work anymore." Never mind that HE, an older man, might not have "fully operational equipment" himself!

It's bad being rejected, even worse being rejected by someone that you aren't that sure of. It's worst of all being rejected by someone you aren't that sure of out of the blue with no warning.

So, is it withdrawl from the Lexapro that made me lash out, or stronger emotions I am not used to? Maybe both, mixed with lack of sleep?

I do feel like trying to hurt him back isn't what I believe in, it's not my "way" but I feel so glad I did it. I hate being pushed around, and I hate what women are valued for. I wanted him to understand what it's like to get info you didn't ask for, but he sort of DID ask for it.

Now I hope I can sleep.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A week and a half tapering down lexapro

Wow, I am amazed I came this far. Maybe it's psychological for me, but I am glad I did it in smaller increments than is suggested. I was taking 15mg, which is a higher than average dose. I then went down to an estimated 14mg, and now I am taking 12.5.

I am crabby crabby. When I am in a bad mood I say to myself in a jokey way "I hate the world, I want to throw things" I hear myself saying that more & more. I can feel my libido increasing quite a bit, and I think I am "self-medicating" a bit by masturbating a lot. I only find this funny, not problematic, but I am hoping that if my libido comes back I don't go back to having casual sex. I don't think its a BAD thing, just a distraction from making an attempt at a relationship.

I did have a weird night the other day...I drank WAY too much wine one night, and was vomiting a lot. Because I was, I didn't take the lexapro, I just knew I would throw it up. The next day I couldnt hold anything down, not even water! I just slept all day and took .5mg after I was holding things down, (plus the normal amount.)

Basically my withdrawal feels like depression. But on the upside I am feeling positive emotions more strongly too. I felt an overwhelming amount of love for my friend's 3 year old. That was cool :)

The bad news is I am having sexual fantasies about being a webcam model! I think it would be absolutely hot to do the little shows for Japanese men. It would be TOTALLY for an exhibitionist turn on, not the money, (money being a part of the submissive fantasy) but I am going to stop myself from doing it! One person makes one screen shot of what I am doing and my personal kink is out there for the world to see. You hear about people losing their teaching jobs (and political careers) from stuff like that. Geez, do I REALLY want my sex-drive back? AK!

So, I think I will try to stay at this level, though the sex drive thing is making me tempted to go down MORE! LOL! Maybe I need a boyfriend first, then I can taper off and I will have someone to take my sexual and crabby energy out on! LOL :)

Monday, April 04, 2011

I am tapering off my Lexapro...starting today

I shouldn't even publish this. Vulnerable people, who don't have as much practice reading their own moods might try it, not under a doctor's supervision, and hell, even I shouldn't, I have been on it for years, cutting back could make me sick...but we will see. I cut back in the past, and I remember my mood took a turn of fear of impending doom. This was mild, but I was pleased to be aware that it was because of the tapering, not because there was ACTUAL doom around the corner, and that I am psychic (That's what it feels like.) Once I realized that I went back to my normal dose.

This is very unscientific, but I take a pill and a half. The normal maximum dose is one pill. My new plan is to take 1 1/3 for a week, then taper to 1 1/4 for a month or so. If it goes well, maybe I would go down a bit more, but I would cut down to only as little as one pill...beyond that I would do it under a doc's supervision. For all I know I might feel too bad after 2 days and go back to the original dose.