Monday, October 31, 2005

I'll bet it will make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones

Do you know why Catherine Zeta Jones is hotter than the rest of the actresses? Because she is a size 6. Size 6 used to be the ideal. Size six is what I used to feel horrible about myself because I couldn't achieve. Size six is FUCKING SEXY! It is so unreal and stupid that size 4, or 2 or even zero (zero is not a size!) is the hollywood ideal.

Come on! Size 6 is hard enough to achieve, it is adequate to make us feel horrible about ourselves so we have to buy your products so we can have something in common with that beautiful, unachieveable woman in the picture. When I look at a size 2 actress/model sure I feel bad about myself, but I feel bad for her too, so all I feel is bad. When I look at Catherine Zeta Jones' georgeous figure I only feel bad about myself, but she is SO lovely to look at, so at least I feel half positive.

Well I feel certian that iShape is not going to make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones, but I think it is going to help me lose weight. I have been recording my eating on the program and it has tought me some interesting things. For one it validated something I was thinking, that I can't watch my eating without recording and measuring it, because then I don't eat enough. If I was left to my own devices I would be eating 300-500 too few calories, and a few days later it catches up on me and I am ravenous. So poor me, I had to have a snack tonight ;)

I also learned I am eating more protien than I need :) All this time I was worried I didn't eat enough meat and it turns out I only need a few bites of it (or a substitute protien :)

It's also really fun to log in workouts, it feels like a reward. It's cool to see how many calories are coming in vs. going out :) And it's fun to include cleaning & stuff as workouts.

I am sure that this is not a very exciting post to read, but it is an exciting post to write. I feel like I have a chance. I feel like my weight is my choice! It is my choice within reason of course, but I don't want to be skinny anyway. Wait, yes I do... skinny like Catherine Zeta Jones :)

mood: good

Friday, October 28, 2005

Some T's crossed and I's dotted

Whew! I have had quite the emotional week. I have fortunately used my anxious energy and channeled it into getting the things done (associating doing=anxiety relief instead of my bad unhealthy pattern of associating doing=anxiety)

My aunt called me back with the sweetest message saying how proud she is of me. I think she really understood what I was trying to tell her (that I am improving.) Her kind reassuring voice was so soothing. I know I am very lucky to have her, some people with both parents don't have someone like that.

I also got to talk to Carrie and she is upset that I can't make the groom's dinner but she forgives me. I still just want to die because of it, but maybe I can try to get someone to pick the day up so I can go there. At least she doesn't hate me.

I got the house reasonably picked up. I would like it cleaner but at least my concience is clear. All I have to do now is figure out how to have both roommate's rent in the bank before the check clears, and get rid of some couches. I feel much better, and quite proud of how much I have done, but I still feel really hurt that I can't be at my aunt's party.

Hopefully when the wedding is over I will feel calmer :)

MMMM and I ate a gonoche (I think) today. Thats like a cupcake with crap inside of it because a cupcake is not decadant enough as it is ;)

mood: very sad :( (but not depressed)

I have failed, and it hurts

I am unable to go to my Mother-figure aunt's 50th birthday surprise party. It's because I work, and if I had known about it sooner I could have bid for it off, but if I am imperfect, I certainly can't expect others to be. I was at least going to go visit today (I thought the party was today) but I didn't get done in time to catch the bus and I think it's too late to catch a cab (if it was guarunteed that I could get on the plane I would have.) I have failed, and it's the person who has been there for me more than anyone in the world.

She was the one who came to the hospital to be with me when I was suicidal. My dad didn't even know. She has been a mom to me. She is my mom basically. I am crying like a baby right now.

The worst of this is my work schedule. Our mother company declared bankruptsy and right now everything is up in the air. Usually I get my first choice, and so, this month only, because I was in a rush, I only bid ------------Oh my god I am so upset I need comforting so much------------and the only person who could do it is a mommy type- my aunt!

I feel like such a failure and a bad friend. I can't go to the groom's dinner (rehersal) I havent done my last two tours. I havent been able to help my friend who is in fort lauderdale, with no electricity, as much as I wanted to. I have also let down my old and new roommates, by not having the house extra clean. I feel like no one can comfort me right now because I have let everyone down.

Now I have to put my therapy to work, or else I have been wasting my money. It feels very selfish to even imagine a bright side right now. I guess I have to be proud of what I have juggled. And I have to be sure I don't escalate things to be even bigger than they already are. I am going to stop writing for a few minutes and see if getting a few more things done makes me feel any better.



I feel depressed today, and I haven't felt actual depression in quite awhile, only sadness or anger, but not actual depression.

I have done a very good job of juggling quite a few things, but I am running completely out of energy. I have some things I need to get accomplished today (need, not want to) and I am just too worn out. To add to the suckyness I have a therapy appointment that I cancelled for a party for my Mother-figure aunt, and I still could go, but I have alot of housework for company and packing that I have to complete first. I could do it all, but my body is in depressed mode, so my energy and enthusiasm is low.

I am not certain that it is completely depression. I have been working out quite a bit (for me) eating less (giving up a coping mechanism of mine) and it is very possible my body is literally tired. I also begin my period soon, so I assume some PMS is involved. I imagine I should feel quite proud that I have done so well in these circumstances :)

I am feeling better already since I have started writing. I miss blogging and I miss my "IM style banter" routine with one of my readers. (I have gotten enough kind reactions from the people I really respect saying that that doesnt bother them- its not meant as a slight and yes I could keep it on topic by moving it to email, but thats, hard) I think that in the last month I have taken a leap into the world, which is healthy, but maybe I should have been writing more as a way to center myself. I am not shaming myself, I have made an effort, I am just reminding myself how much writing has helped me grow (not to mention the AMAZING people I have met!) so why stop?

The worst of all of this is Jessie is leaving. Oh my god we had so much fun! We were like schoolgirls talking about the boys we love "MMMMM Tim (Martin Freeman) MMMMM Jason Bateman MMMMM Extra-eyebrow-arch-man (Shah Rukh Khan) They're so DREAMY!" I am going to miss her like crazy, and I have no time or energy to treat her like gold like I want to before she leaves :(

I will survive all of this, and I will do my best not to slip into a full-on depression (cross your fingers for me) I am very tired.

On the upside, the boy, BK...amazing. I dont know where to start. We have a date next week for golfing (I cant wait) he is very smart, seems very healthy, and is not pushy at all! I was terribly nervous the whole time, I said one really stupid thing but corrected it, and he said I was very beautiful :) <---blushing

mood: don't ask! (its better since I wrote)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I really hope I am on my period

I am weepy watching "Maid in Manhattan"

Paralyzed with anxiety

I have a coffee date at 2:00 with BK and I am sick with anxiety. I know that excercise will get rid of it but I feel too paralyzed to start!


mood: calm, like the Buddah. NOT!

UPDATE: a 20 minute excercise video helped alot :)

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Compassion Fatigue

I don't like the way I feel right now. I feel quite overwhelmed, and am not able to keep perspective. Coming up I have:

A wedding that I am part of the bridal party
A new roommate that I have to clean for and get rid of furniture for
A surprise party out of town
A tour at the beginning of the month and a new work schedule making me have to reschedule both the tours and my therapy
A room I want to make tidy and sex-ready just in case November is a good month for me ;)
Merchindise to ship for my friend

I am not able to see how lucky I am right now. My friend is in Fort Lauderdale with no power, an ailing dad and a destroyed rental car that she didn't insure, and my feelings are selfish, not wanting to help her with her business (something that would equal money in her pocket) and the people in Pakistan are at severe risk, and arent getting the aid they need! But I don't have it in me to care right now. Maybe I need to meditate. (I will, after I am done with everything on the above list)

mood: frantic

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Pond Scum is Hot

I came to the conclusion that I can no longer date people that feel "on my level." The reason is is because I have low self-esteem, so if I am dating someone "on my level" I am going to end up with the biggest losers on the planet.

I remember I had noticed this when I was on the dating site, MacDuff seemed "at my level" but BK seemed like the kind of guy I would want to end up with. Well I am hella healthier than MacDuff, no question (he revealed that to me very quickly) so that validates my hypothesis that I need to pick the one that I would want to end up with, even though I feel like they are too good for me. Perhaps "too good for me" is at my actual level :)

I have a coffee date with BK thursday. My challenge now is to convince myself that I am good enough for him, behave as if I am, and hope that we like each other (and if we don't, not see it as a failure on my part.) He seems very respectful of boundaries, we spoke for an hour or so tonight and it remained on a small-talk get to know you level. This will be good for me.

mood: ready for bed


A thought just struck me today. I have lost weight plenty of times, but always from external forces, from joining danceline, from changing jobs, from hiring a trainer to force me to excercise, but I have never lost weight in a way that I could feel really proud about it, that I had beat it.

Maybe this is my chance. If I lose weight, on my own, I will feel really accomplished. I will have a success to look at that I have control of my own life. I think I can look at as a challenge. I think I can believe in myself. Maybe I can do this.

mood: good

A happy moment

Today I signed into "iShape" an online diet and exercise site by shape magazine. The site came up with workouts for me and I went to the gym and did it, it was printed out for me, very easily with pictures, the workout was easier than it would have been if I had designed it for myself (I have the tendancy to try to workout at in-shape levels) and I feel worked out rigth now but not exausted.

It felt nice to get back in the gym. Gyms always felt like an escape to me, a place where I can go and feel happy. I looked like a novice there, my chubby self carrying my bag around instead of putting it in the locker room, but I can deal with that. Maybe next time I will try to fit in a bit more :)

Lately my dreams nearly every night remind me of how it felt to be hot (not just pretty, hot) it felt good, and I know now that I can handle it (or at least I can handle being conventionally beautiful again). I can handle the attention, I can handle the increased sexual opportunities, and I can handle the men who tell them selves and me that they love me, when all they love is a fantasy image.

If I want to get control of my depression I will have to learn how to cope with uncomfortable feelings instead of eating, and I will be able to manage my life better if I don't have the extra weight sapping my energy.

Wish me luck.

mood: pretty good

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Skanky dream- with morals

I just woke up from a funny dream

Myself and my friend had been pressured into being on a really skanky reality show where you dress up in the sleaziest clothes and try to seduce and kiss up to celebrity judges by sleeping with them and doing musical performances. They vote someone off every week until the last woman remains, and who knows what she wins. I think it was a playboy tv show. My friend and I were pressured into doing it by my uncle, because they did not have enough woman willing to be on the show (sad that is only true in my dreams) and they needed two more contestants.

So one of the contestants was a morph of Robbie Williams and the blonde lead singer from the Prodigy (I think his name is Liam.) He was wicked hot and wanted to introduce me to more music.

In the dream I didn't sleep with him, I backed off and didn't really compete on the show. It seemed degrading to me, and I had decided not to sleep with the Robbie Williams character, because I knew it wasn't good for me, since I knew I would get emotionally attached to Robbie Williams.

I also loved thigh high boots in the dream (WTF?) ;)

mood: happy to have rested, but still moving slowly

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Happy Dance

Happy Dance Happy Dance I'm doing the Happy Dance


I'm Home


I don't have to be nice to anyone


I don't have to get up early in the morning tomorrow


I am don't have to wear underwear that is permanently up my butt


I am going to eat noodles with parmesan out of the pan now


mood: grateful

Friday, October 21, 2005

Bye bye Hosna

My cute little sponsor child Hosna moved out of the area, so now I will have to get a new one.

I am hopeful that the fact that she moved is a good sign, and I hope her cute little bald self has a good life.

I think this time I will pick someone older, so they can try to read my letters, and maybe write a little.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Last night

Last night current roomie and I went to old roomie Emma's house.

Glad to be rid of her.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Scientific Observation

I was feeling okay for awhile and then I drank some cappucino, and now I am all jittery and anxious-

What is the chance that it is connected? Maybe I could write a scientific study "The correlation between caffiene and jitteryness" it will be groundbreaking!

mood: jittery

What I really need is a lesbian relationship

The best thing about dating is how much you learn about yourself, who you are and who you want to be. You present yourself in the best light, and you feel good about yourself because of the attention and validation they are giving you. I want that feeling to continue, what I think I really need is a lesbian relationship- with myself!

She likes the things I really like, a lot of them things I haven't done in awhile. We can go on bike rides, go to the gym, go to the theater and the park, visit museums and go to concerts. Sometimes we will go alone, other times with my friends (she gets along with all of them.)

She knows what I find attractive. She can fix the things about her outward apperance that I don't find attractive. She can eat right, & work out (for me) and keep herself clean and neatly groomed without being ostentatious or artificial, just like I like it. She will wear the clothes I like and think are appropriate for the occasion.

She can keep her house and room reasonably neat to impress me. If I see she has left a pair of boots in the livingroom I can say, nicely, "did you see these?" She can put them away and I wont feel like a bitch for saying it.

Sex will be amazing. She will always be in the mood when I am, and she will never pressure me when I am not in the mood (although she might try to PUT me in the mood) I don't have to worry about her getting me pregnant and I can feel confident that she won't give me any diseases. She will know just what to do to give me an orgasm.

We will rarely argue over resturaunts, movies, or music, we have the same tastes, and although we might not be able to make a decision easily we will agree with whether it is a good one or not.

Our relationship will inevitably have rocky moments, where we don't treat each other with as much love and respect as we should, but we will be commited to eachother and will always put each other first.

mood: In love ;)

To be memorized

Characteristics of codependency:

1. Most often putting the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others first ~ before your own.
2. Feeling that you give more in relationships than you get back.
3. Finding that your caring and loving feelings are turning to resentment because of feeling you are giving too much and are being unappreciated.
4. An inability to say "no" when "no" is warranted.
5. Feelings of substantial insecurity in relationships where there is little to no reason to feel like the relationship is in danger of ending.
6. Experiencing rejection sensitivity. This is the irrational belief that others are negative towards us. No one enjoys being rejected, but people suffering from co-dependence are unduly hurt by other peoples slights. They also often see rejection when it isn't there.
7. Feeling like the relationship "is out of control" or that you are "out of control."
8. Feeling that you won't be OK unless the other person is in your life. People suffering from co-dependence have tremendously strong abandonment fears.
9. An inability to set proper boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are where one person ends off and where one person begins. Boundaries are basically respect and good manners.
10. The inability to feel validated in the relationship regardless of how often they are validated.
11. Unhealthy tolerance of verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. A co-dependent person tends to view abuse as normal or the best that can be expected.
12. The inability to leave the relationship under any circumstance even when most of the good feelings have left and even if severe abuse is present.
13. Chronically engaging in behavior that is self-defeating in subtle and non-subtle ways.

The luxury of closure and communication :)

MacDuff wrote:

> Hey, sorry if this is too soon.
> I'm in a weird place.
> Yesterday and today I've been really focussing on
> music and writing as therapy. But I'm wanting to
> share what I'm getting done, particularly the music.
> At the same time, I don't want to bug you, you know
> give you space.
> So I am really torn, but wanted to know if you
> wanted me to send you e-mailed songs or maybe a link
> to them somewhere on the web.
> Or if you just wanted me to leave you the hell
> alone.
> Let me know.
> Hope your spa-thing was fun yesterday.

I wrote:


Thanks for wanting to share and for the understanding tone of your e-mail :)

I feel like we should wait to communicate again until the bad feelings and needy/clingy feelings have faded and that we are both at the point of constructively growing from the experience, because we have so much learning material from it. I think if we communicate it doesn't create a noticable endpoint, which can interfere with the growth (becuase time is wasted on the what ifs and maybes)

This experience has illuminated a pattern for me, this experience of a whirlwind relationship that happens overnight, the "we WILL have a future together" (instead of the healthier "we could possibly") and the feeling that I have his ego in my hands, and so I don't want to hurt him by maintaining healthy boundaries has happened 4 times now (that I can remember.) since you are in a codependancy/alanon group I think that might be what is wrong, I think I must have co-dependant behaviors.

And yes, it is unpleasant to have to face things about myself that I have to change. I find lack of confidence unattractive in others, and finding someone else with the same problem is running away from it, I need to face and fix it instead.

This is painful for both of us, but we both dodged a BIG bullet! This had the makings of a HUGELY unhealthy CODEPENDANT relationship, I think the fact that it ended so quickly was a HEALTHY sign that we could recognize the bad behaviors, so we are both on the right path to healthiness.

And I think it is regrettable that we had the unpleasant sexual experience, but maybe that is a blessing too. Maybe we can remember how we felt that night and use that as a motivator to stay on the difficult path to health.

If you can learn the "glass half full" type of thinking that I have learned (my therapist calls it "cognitive behavioral therapy") then you will be able to recognize that you have the intelligence and WISDOM to successfully unlearn those unhealthy relationship patterns, and that if you stay on that path you will one day have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It's okay that it hasn't happened overnight, it hasn't for me either, it matters that we recognized it. Hopefully next time the patterns come up in our dating lives (as they inevitably will) we will recognize them even sooner.

I am happy to hear you are using the healthy coping mechanism of creativity. I am trying to test my Buddhist "embrace your suffering" methods and blogging as much as I can emotionally handle. I refuse to move backwards from this. I insist that I will grow and learn from it, even though that means thinking about it and feeling the disappointment and facing that I will have to be without a partner unless it is under healthy circumstances.

Keep up the good work. I would at some point love to hear what you have created, just not for awhile :)


He responded:

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really do
I respect the desire for distance and think it healthy as well.
When and if you wish to check back in with me in the future please do.
As stated Sat., I really value an ability to communicate openly.
It's what's made this actually a learning experience instead of just a
tragedy (that sounds overly dramatic, but you know what I mean).
So thanks again.
Wish you the best.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Not eager

I am quite good. I think that this nightmare has "illuminated" a pattern and helped me recognize that I might have (god how cliche) codependant tendancies. Sex itself has always been a favorite thing for me, that is until I attach it to emotions.

I am yet to feel anything really, (except for this acid reflux feeling that has been in my chest since about 6 today) I know that I am really lucky to be out of the relationship, but am scared of when the disappointment will hit, I am hoping I will keep my head on straight through it.

The best thing in all of this has been recognizing I am a lot healthier than I thought, and that I am picking boys who will worship and be obsessed with me instead of healthy normal people because I don't want to face my insecurities.

So I am okay- I think.

mood: anxious? (my stomach and chest feel anxious, it could be punishment for all the wine I had last night.)

Am Drunk

I just got back from a bachelorette party.

I hope I can get one good disappointed cry out of this but all in all I am glad it is over.

I have learned alot- basically that I need to lose weight and get an ounce of self esteem, because this pattern is frankly quite boring.

As I arrive home I am hardly even thinking of him or any of what happened.

My goal is to not let this make me more bitter and sexist- we will see.

mood: ready for beddy

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Not the most accountable thought, but a thought

Dear Dad-

Hmmm. Do you think that if I had your love and attention during my adolecence that I would have learned to walk on eggshells and people-please in exchange for love and attention? Hmmm. Just a thought.

mood: staying stoic- I am off to a party

You all are so right-thank you

Thank you so much for your sweet, supportive comments! I feel so lucky, so understood, something I need a lot of right now!

Thank you for telling me not just what I want to hear but what I need to hear DONT DO THAT! Geez! Did I do anyone any favors?

Sparkle- Why do women act let the man set the pace if they arent comfortable? You are so right!, if I was uncomfortable with the speed of things and he still pushes it, then I don't want him! Thanks for the reminder. BTW you inspired me when you said on apprentice that you wouldn't call those guys- it is so much better being alone than treated like less than we deserve- thanks for the inspiration!

Stacy- I know! My mouth nearly dropped open when I saw those words "I didn't want to disappoint him" Come on! To make it worse this is the third (or more) time I have done this! This is SO UNACCEPTABLE! Thank you, I have the right to be treated with kindness and affection, I don't owe anyone anything for treating me well.

Hobby- Woo-ey! I know you know where I am coming from! I want them to want to get in my pants, because I want in theirs, just like I want them to be crazy for me because I want to be crazy for them, but not all right away (I still don't know his middle name.) We do have to learn that we are sexy without it being told to us, if we know it then we can't be manipulated by it (not to say he was intentionally manipulating me- intentional being the key word) If we are patient and confident we will meet someone up on our level, arent you glad that we have Satan to have to crush on in the mean time?

And Satan- You are such a phenomenally cool person. Your "not much more to say" says everything.

Everyone who reads- sheesh. Thanks for reading. Thanks for cringing with me at my mistakes, and smiling with me at my victories. I hope my sharing my often unflattering behavior helps you in some way to examine your own, and to treat yourself like gold.

mood: really, really fortunate
It's my instinct to not let the sadness come to the surface- but what have I been learning in this last six months?

I am going to go lay in my bed and think, openly "what do I feel right now?"
I don't want to imagine this as a possibility- but what if we were compatible but it was my lowered sex drive from the antidepressants-

That's not it, because if we are meant to be than my antidepressants aren't a problem.

AND, honestly, if he didn't crowd me and have a bedroom stanking of bad smelling smoke (incense wouldn't bother me) than maybe things could have lasted longer.

I suddenly am REALLY at peace. I have gotten a LOT of learning material from this, and, I think I left his ego pretty intact- hopefully, (and I do think so) his life will have been better for having me in it. I sure hope so.
I crave a partner, I need to face that finding one is not going to be easy as finding someone I like who likes me.

Not a linear post

Last night MacDuff and I had sex and today we broke up.

I know I should focus on my part of things, because it is more productive, but I place the blame on him pushing things too fast. Wait! I don't have to apologize for saying this- he said last night that he loved me! He was moving emotionally too fast and I kept trying to slow things down and he (I see in hindsight) was not agreeing with this.

He really was (is) very sweet. Quite the romantic. But he needed it all too soon. He was WILLING to wait for sex, but he made it clear that he wanted it, and I didn't want to disappoint him. Yesterday at my house I physically wanted to have sex but we had no condoms and we were going to his place to spend the night. I wasn't ready to spend the night so quickly- but I liked him and I am such a sexual person, so, after some hemming and hawing inside my own head, I decided to just let it be.

I wasn't ready, but I wanted to make this sweet man be happy- to reward him for making me feel like such a princess. In the car ride I felt more and more uncomfortable, but I knew how excited he was, and since I was turned on at my house I thought I could give that to him.

It got REALLY bad the minute I entered his bedroom. He smoked SOOOOO much, and his bedroom smelled and looked like my dad's house. The bathroom sink was DISGUSTING How can you get turned on in a situation like that?

I acted as if I was enthusiastic, so I wouldn't hurt his feelings, but I didn't want to do it. It might have gone better (depending on what "better" means) if he could come on cue like most men "okay- go ahead" but he couldn't. I see it as better this way really, because I had to deal with it, I could still be with him if he could finish.

I am so emotionally quiet right now. I am not "feeling" much. I want to hold on to the feeling that I can be treated like he treated me (thursday night was SO great!) but I know I am going to have to feel and understand what I am feeling or I will be destined to repeat them. I can choose to let this situation make me into a harder person, or into a stronger person, my choice, depending on how I deal with them. I will try, but I will be patient with myself- babysteps.

mood: like getting this cigarette funk out of my hair and skin- DISGUSTING!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Thursday, October 13, 2005

A wonderful night

Tonight my roommate and I did "Honey Kalaria's Bollywood workout" and I swear I was in heaven. A workout video that taugt me how to dance like the pretty ladies in the movies? A dream come true!

Then (twice) watched a music video from a movie called "Dil Se" with Shah Rhuk Khan (the most famous Bollywood actor) doing awesome 90's dance moves which we followed along with. Then we played a few dance songs and danced. It was so fun.

I feel like I am falling back in love with working out. I am getting the cravings again for it :) (a good thing since I have had a gym membership for at least 3 months!)

mood: really great, and not anxious at all :)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Too much to write and too little time to sleep

Last night I had a two and a half hour conversation with MacDuff -which by the way is a name from some smart-people book, I was hoping it was the crime fighting dog :(

As is my pattern, I moved WAY too fast, talking about MUCH too serious things, (I am terrible with small talk in these situations) but I still got farther along than ever. He seems like he'd be really compatible with alot of the stuff in my life right now, and I am relaxing a bit. He asked me to "go steady" I said no, which is really good because hello its WAY too soon. My heart doesn't feel 100% gung ho even though my head says he would work out real well. -but again, that could be because he could be good for me.

Today I got an e-mail from someone else who I had contacted before quitting the personals site. We will call him BK- (like the shoes in the 90's) Reading his e-mail he sounded really great! I smiled and felt relaxed reading it. I don't know much about him yet, but he seems (on first impression) like a normal guy, and MacDuff certianly has issues (many of the same issues I do.) MacDuff is actively taking on his issues (as am I) What would be better? A person with no issues or someone with issues, who is working on them, who you could relate more with? (Pretty quick to say since I have only read one thing from BK, and just met MacDuff) I can say though I want to be patient and give feelings time to develop before deciding about MacDuff, I can sense that he is very similar to me, is that good? Maybe.

I can say that this addresses the question, who should I find someone for, the person I am or the person I want to be?

mood: ok

Sunday, October 09, 2005

What do I do?

Tonight I went for coffee with a man who is just right on paper, and thinks I am pretty hot. The only thing really wrong with him is he smokes and is a libertarian and I prefer someone left-wing.

I spent 2 hours with him and kissed him for a minute or so (he's a good kisser) but do not feel turned on at all right now! Am I supposed to? Keep in mind, I am DEATHLY afraid of genuine intimacy. I am just so mad right now, he is just right for me. I was able to end the kissing, and I havn't had sex since Mr. Detroit- AGES ago. Yet after going to the post office with my unavailable neighbor I was rearing to go!

Please PLEASE PLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAASE tell me that it is BECAUSE he is so great that I am not turned on, not because the chemistry isn't there. PLEASE! I would rather DIE right now than reject someone! I would rather DIE right now than reject someone who seems like such a good match- no, great match. I really think he seems great, I am just so chicken. He makes trancy techno music as a creative outlet, but has a big money day job.

I do sort of think this is my defense mechanisms kicking in. I can almost visualize my arm outstreched saying "thats your life- this is my life." I am pushing him away because he is a decent human being who I could enjoy spending time with.

Yeah- I have learned through my life that when you love something it gets snatched away from you, so if I have the chance to love something- why in gods name would I do it?

But, on the other hand, I have learned what diving in head first does, it kills it. We had our first kiss on the same day as our first phone call. JESUS I am SOOOOO good at letting things go too fast! Maybe I end up having to push people away because I am so strongly beckoning them in.

Or, I like people to move very slowly so thats why I like unavailable men, I have the opportunity to get to know them without having to deal with all of the sex stuff, and with one night stands I can get the sex without having to deal with all of the caring stuff.

And hey! Maybe I am old fashioned! Maybe kissing isn't appropriate on the first date (unless of course there is no second date) maybe I just want to be treated with the respect of space! Yeah!

mood: aaaaaaaaah!

UPDATE: I just got a nice e-mail from him. He suggested "MacDuff" for his psuedonym, MacDuff it is :)

Everybody Hates Chris

If you are the type of person who doesn't like family shows that show everyone being mean to each other you might avoid watching this, becuase thats how it is marketed.

I just watched an episode and it was lovely. It is one of those programs that is very real. Not too sweet like Leave it to Beaver, but not lacking in love like Married With Children.

If you are watching TV and Everybody Hates Chris comes on, don't change the channel.

(My name is Earl is good too)

Why I quit the personals site

From the time after my mother died, I am the best person I have ever been before. I am not the best looking that I have ever been before, but I am the best I have ever been before.

Maybe it is time for me to start working on being better looking, but that is not an acceptable reason to feel like a failure, I am not a failure, I am a success, and if a website, full of people who haven't met me in person, keeps me from seeing that, then I don't belong there.

I have learned a lot in this short week, so I don't regret it, but that is not reason enough to continue it if it sets me back.

Thank you so much for your e-mails and comments, they really helped me keep/come back to reality.

mood: much more Diana-y

Saturday, October 08, 2005

My range of emotions

Begun at 7:28PM

"I don't want to do this personals site anymore, I guess I should stop.

There is a new person who I have e-mailed a few times, and he seems sweet, smart, and creative, but he already seems annoying.

I don't know if I am a chicken shit or if I just- UH! I can't deal with this.

I don't want him, I want a ready-made. I want to fast forward 5 years and get past the early stuff. I don't know why this is so upsetting to me. Is it finding out I'm not the sexy girl I used to be? Maybe. I have been thinking about my fucking weight for the last week. I..."

Now, a few hours later, I have gotten my head together. I haven't felt this bad about myself for months, so why do it? I have benefited from the opportunity to look at myself, but beyond that it's not helping.

Okay good, its done. Blech. Let's move on, shall we?

mood: Muuuuuuuuuuch better.


In the last week I have not felt like posting, in fact, I have even begun turning the TV on, something I have rarely done since I began blogging. My life used to include a lot of TV watching, it was a way for me to channel my brain activity and escape the flurry of thoughts spinning through my head. When I began blogging I was able to wrangle those thoughts by posting them, and then there would be one less thought spinning through my head, and I could tackle the next one.

My mental health has improved enormously since I have begun blogging. One reason, as I wrote above, is that I have learned a method to manage my brain activity. Another reason my health has improved is that each brain activity management method has side effects, and the side effects of blogging are far superior to the side effects of TV watching. When I turn to the TV to manage my brain activity I am putting my thoughts aside, and instead following the story presented to me on the TV. This solves nothing. It only puts the feelings and thoughts on the backburner, to be dealt with later.

The TV method is like a drug, numbing my brain, it puts it in an inactive state. And like a drug, it has effects worse than a benign stall. The TV is the number one medium for advertizers to reach us. The advertizers have had decades of practice to develop sophisticated and subtle ways to sell us more. The very successful tool is creating an ideal, that is a little out of reach for everyone, and then making it appear accessible through purchaces. This is why models have gotten so skinny that only a few people can look that way. They want the look to be inaccessible through a healthy lifestyle, so the only way you can hope to achieve the ideal look is by purchacing the clothes or makeup that they are wearing. Watching TV not only stalls my brain activity it adds to it, by injecting messages that I am not good enough, unless I lose weight and buy these clothes.

Blogging has completely different effects. Instead of numbing and avoiding my thoughts it engages them. The action of taking a thought, examining it, evaluating and recording it, makes me smarter. It soothes me, not by avoiding the thought but by facing and learning from it. Blogging, or perhaps more specifically writing, has saved me, transforming my overactive brain with too many thoughts into an intelligent brain with an abundance of thoughts. And by dealing with my thoughts using writing I have taken myself away from the television, which has the intentional side effect of making me feel not good enough.

So if I have found this far superior tool for dealing with my thoughts then why, in god's name, have I been turning to the inferior tool this week? Because my writing leads to progress, and if I progress any further it means I will make a profound change.

I realize that I need to begin to live my life. Even though I am overweight. Even though I am a bad housekeeper. Even though my social skills could use some help. I have been waiting until I am the person I want to be, deciding to wait "until I..." but thats not healthy, and it's time I start living "even though I..." I have had the "until I..." attitude at least since my dad started drinking, but it got especially pronounced after 2002 when I got close to killing myself. Like a hibernating bear I shut down all but the most basic functions. I only needed to feed and shelter myself, work for the money to feed and shelter myself, maintain the friendships I already had, and not kill myself. That was all I expected of myself and it was a good thing. I took all unnecessary pressure off of myself so I could stay alive, and it worked. But now I am not suicidal. I am not even depressed, so it is time to shift out of hibernation mode, which is a scary thought since I have been in this mode for 3 years, so I have wanted to avoid the blog, which will inevitably lead to this progress of re-starting my life, which is scary.

But I got this far, I turned off the TV and am here, writing. I am going to be patient and gentle with myself in this process, I am not going to expect myself to go out on the town every week and make myself have hundreds of friends, I am going to let myself move slowly, and forgive myself for alot of mistakes, but I am not going to let myself slide backwards.

mood: nice. not scared.

Friday, October 07, 2005

My last post just published a second ago

My mood is I want to crawl into a ball. My friend's bachelorette party needs planning, my neighbor needs help with her business, I have e-mails to return, and I have this stupid dating sie. I just want to rest.

To understand your big ass, look at the big picture

Last week I put myself on a local personals site, I got rejected (Carrie said I rejected him- I like that) but I think it has been and is a really good experience for me.

When on a personals site, -or for those of you who date without computer assistance- when out in the dating world, you are put in a position to look at yourself. You are forced to look at the person you want to be and how that compares to the person you see yourself as, and it forces you to examine how you are percieved, and how that compares to what is considered "desirable."

I know that some people could see what I am about to write as being a negative statement, but I don't see it that way. Being on a personals site has made me realize that I am fat. When I imagine myself I guess I think of myself as being "girl-next-doorish" maybe a little plain, but the photo in my head of what I look like is not fat, its curvy but still slim, and it doesn't match the way I am percieved. I think I have the man's way of looking at themselves (which is good to a point of course) where I see the positives in my appearance, and overlook the negatives that arent unavoidably obvious.

Seeing which men are interested, and which men are not interested, who I assumed would be, is helping me shift the angle I am looking at things a bit. It is showing me that if I expect people to find me attractive at my weight, then I need to find them attrative at my weight too (which I do.) The same goes for personality qualities, what flaws in me do I want people to overlook? Would I overlook them in others? Which men look unappealing to me? Why? Do I share any of these qualities? I know I have to be careful not to let myself get drained by this process, but I think the opposite might happen. I can say for one thing, the day I hung out with the neighbors' BF I ended up cleaning for hours. Just spending positive time with the opposite sex has a positive affect of some sort, and we all know sex has a positive affect as well :)

I am starting to watch what I eat again, sort of so I can feel more attractive, but also as an experiment to see what influence my weight and eating has on my depression. Yesterday I was having a hard time sitting up, little things felt like a lot of work. I know I need to stop using food as a tool to deal with anxiety because it may be contributing to my depression, making it harder to accomplish things. And I know from experience, it feels really good to be beautiful. It's a sad statement but when you are beautiful people are really nice to you. If you think this sounds superficial watch how friendly you are to the 300 pound checkout girl with the rash on her arm, beautiful people are treated differently becuase they are easy to look at. Yes, I deserve to be treated with kindness as I am, but if losing weight helps me recieve more kindness, I still deserve it, even if it's unfair that I wasn't getting it before.

And damn it, I want to fall in love and get married someday! I don't wan't to "find a match" I want full-on infatuation love. Yes, we all get fat and wrinkled in the end, but in the beginning we are supposed to be hypnotized and giddy. I have had that effect on people before and I want to have it again with a man who has that effect on me and I think losing weight will increase my options.

And the more good news is I am seeing the big-big picture here. Looks arent what really matter, personality and lifestyle are. Its not just how hot I look it's how healthy I am all around. I am learning how far along I am, and what I still need to work on. So I think this website, rejection and all, are good for me :)

mood: I dunno. fine. not dying to go back to the couch, not rearing to go.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Leave Diana alone with your boyfriend, she is harmless

Those of you who have read my blog for awhile know how I met Frances. Her now boyfriend is my neighbor who, before she moved in, I had hoped to one day bed. I met her when I was coming up to flirt with the guise of telling him his dome light was on, since meeting her we have become close friends.

Poor Frances' 80 something year old dad had a stroke and she had to move to Florida to take care of him. Her boyfriend and I are taking care of some last things involving her vintage clothing business.

He is running off to get some lunch, and while I am here printing off some labels I noticed I am feeling a bit turned on! My favorite part of all of this is not only is she encouraging us to work together on her business, she even suggested the two of us go out for happy hour!

I guess I am not so different. Trust is a good thing, and if a friend or a boyfriend would cheat then I wouldn't want them anyway, but still, she is making it quite easy for me to be bad!

mood: naughty, but not worried

Update: My fortune cookie from lunch with him: "A clean conscience is a soft pillow"

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Didn't re-read it, didn't spell check it, just wrote

I am a little less positive today as I have been lately, but not much different off than usual. My routine on a day off is, I sit around the house and do a small handful of things, half-heartedly, and most of the time sit very still, thinking, as if, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, my housework will sense I am there and jump out and eat me. When people suggest going out I usually want to turn them down, if I leave the Tyrannosaurus houseworx alone it might have time to come up with new plans to try to eat me.

Sitting alone in the house, and eating, is something I have done since my mom died. I have always had pretty bad social phobia, when I was 4 I couldn't do anything but huddle in the corner in ballet class, and at 5 my mom had to push me, screaming bloody murder, onto the schoolbus, I was so terrified, I remember it clearly, It was the same thing, there was a Tyrannosaurus Rex on that bus and if I got on it would probably eat me. My mom of course would not let me sit around the house all summer, eating and watching TV. She signed me up for "summer splash" and made me play with my friends. But after my mom died I could do what I wanted, and so I did. Every summer I would sit alone in the house with the shades drawn, I would watch the price is right, and I would walk to the refridgerator or pantry and I would put together concoctions during the commercials.

Today, since I am feeling a little beat down, a little bit punished for my step back into the world, I am feeling even less able to take on the housework dinosaur. And since shoving and berating myself for not doing it doesn't work, I decided to deal with it differently than usual, one way or another. My usual methods on days like today are to drink coffee, watch a movie, eat until my stomach hurts, and, on those especially tough days, take a nap. I felt my wounded consciousness trying to shrink down into slumber, but I didn't want to do it, It felt too pitiful, I wanted to move forward, even if it meant only keeping myself from going backward.

I started by trying to tell myself I didn't have to clean today. I tell myself I have to everyday and little gets done, so the worst that could happen is little would get done. And then, when I caught myself thinking "I feel wounded" I decided to run with that. I sat down and thought hard about what I was truly feeling. I am so quick to try to feel better, but, in the book I am reading about Buddhist practices it says to identify what your feeling, don't try to cling to or resist it, just be mindful of it. I coaxed myself to think about the ugliest times in my life. I coaxed myself to think of the fact that I feel unimportant. I coaxed myself to be mindful of the things that are always there, but I try to pretend they are not. It is like I completely turned around, and instead of trying to ignore what my life has been like, which requires moving very quickly, to try to get away from those feelings that are a result of the life I have lived, I turned and faced them, I didn't reject them, I just let myself think of them (I am not so far along that I am ready to feel them, but I accept that it is one step at a time)

Even when sitting and thinking of my mother's death and my father being passed out I didn't cry. This is a "maladaptive behavior" a behavior I adopted, as a survival tool, that was successful at the time, but now interferes with my life and can be changed (next time you find yourself exasperated, saying "why do I do that?- it makes no sense!" it may be a maladaptive behavior.) two things did break through where I got a tear or two. The first was as my mind was wandering, I cant remember the context but I visualized a party of friends, with an open mic, and everybody did something and everyone cheered with pride for everyone. This hit me hard, I don't know how it got in my head, but it touched me. To imagine it felt like paradise, not to have supportive friends, because I do, but to have the courage to just move freely, to relax, to have the courage to request and desire approval, and to accept it when it is given to me.

The other thing that moves me to tear up is the image of a little girl curled in a ball next to the wall, absolutely terrified of nearly everything. I intended the image in my head to be a metaphor, but it felt so dead on accurate. I am as afraid of the world as I was back then (including when my mom was alive), but I have trained myself to stand up and walk out the door, as if I am not, and overtime it has decreased but not enough that that cowering kid image doesn't hit me hard.

I am not sure what I am going to do next, I am going to curl up on the couch and think about it. But I think I did something smart today.

mood: hard to say. Ugly, unhappy, bored, achey, but at the same time a little hopeful, proud, and I recognize I am in much better shape then when I am severely depressed.

Monday, October 03, 2005


I only did 10 minutes of Yoga, with the intention of nourishing and connecting with my body, not changing it.

I feel so much calmer, I feel ready to enter and connect with the world :)

mood: different :)

The morning after

As I was writing the "patterns" post last night I felt regretful for pushing him away before he had the chance to reject me, but later last night I felt peace with it. He chose, in his profile, that he wanted someone slimmer than me, it wasn't me that assumed this, he selected it. All I had done was respond. And it's true how I feel, I don't want someone to like me "anyway" My body isn't great but it isn't bad either, I think it's possible to find a smart ethical lefty in my city who agrees with me.

The thing that got my attention this morning is what a good thing this 4 day experience is pointing out. I am develpong the bravery to go out into the real world! I mean, I have a "life" but I am honest with myself in knowing that most of my life is my inner life. This blog is a tiny step into "the world" and I credit it for a big part of my recent successes, but having the courage to contact a man who could be a GOOD match, and to give it a real try (for 3 days at least LOL) is a big step in the right direction! Lets say that my "looks like our preferences arent compatible" e-mail was indeed a pre-emptive strike and I had made a huge mistake. I still should focus on how far along I was able to go and be proud. Maybe next time I can e-mail for 5 days before pushing him away LMAO!

And another good outcome from this experience- I disagree with his decision to exclude "ample" from his profile! I can say, honestly, that I think I am attractive! I really want to lose weight, alot, but I don't feel that the weight loss is a necessity before I become a good catch. I think, for a select few, I am a very good catch. I am very smart, kind, supportive and interesting (to a select few ;) ) and even though I am still not living my life the way I want, I am well on my way.

mood: "Ample" with confidence

Feeling less chicken

(for now)

Old patterns die hard

Ooh! Ooh! I am just Ooh!

So predictable! Ahhh!

Boys and Girls, I met a potential boy- and I did a great job for a day or so, and then I- Ooh!

Here's how it happened. Love is in the damn air, and it has popped into my head more than once that meeting someone might be on the horizon. Well the day I had DQ with Andy, I felt really frustrated about my pattern of falling exclusively for unavailable men, and I got an e-mail from a personals site I visited a year or so ago saying "you have 2 unread messages"

I had my profile hidden, but I checked to see them anyway. They were just stupid messages from the site, but while logged in I clicked on a button that finds people who match you based on both people's preferences. My top match was just, woah. Everything just matched. I initially clicked on his profile because he had a stupid handle, but when I saw his face, that was it. He looked like that fun guy, who always has a girlfriend, and I always wish I would have liked him when I was younger instead of the hot idiots. Every word in his profile read like something I would have written, or a way I would describe myself.

Well I had the guts to contact him and it appeared to be a pretty good match (minus some corny phrases but dorkyness is not a dump-worthy quality.) I even had a day of being too excited, but I was able to calm myself down and we wrote a few cool messages to each other.

Well today I went back to look at his profile and I noticed a red X under the "body type" category. It wasn't there before. This could be explained because the personals site has made changes this week (why I got the e-mails from them) so they have changed the categories likely. The choices I had to choose from for body type were "Average," "Ample," "A little extra padding" and "Large." "Ample" seemed like the perfect decription. I am definately heavier than average, but I am blessed with good proportions so my extra weight comes of as "Pa-dow" so "Ample" has all of the accuracy of my heaviness with a positive spin to it.

Well any man that likes a zaftig woman would include "Ample" and "A little extra padding" in his acceptable choices. I don't want a guy to like me "anyway" I want a guy to like all of me, to think that I am hot, ample, pa-dow. It is completely possible at my weight and I need that, not acceptance, appreciation. I wrote him a polite note that said, paraphrased, "Looks like our preferences arent compatible- it's a shame but better we realize it now than later."

I realize now that I didn't even give it a chance. He very possibly could have seen me and thought I was georgeous (I am much cuter in person than I am in awkward arm-length photographs) but I never gave that possibility a thought. "Pre-emptive strike" was my roommate's words. I did a good job, for 3 or so days, of hiding my insecurity- but he, intentionally or not, touched on a tender spot and I recoiled.

I feel hopeful. With each post I write I get farther along. Just posting that I am afraid of available men helped me get the courage to contact one. And posting about Batman months ago taught me to not get too excited and move too fast. I am not sure if I blew this one, I hope I didn't. I hope it was the right thing to do, that I am not "his type" and I saved myself some heartache, but I could have at least met him and taken the chance that we might be attracted to each-other. If I had taken the chance I might have been rejected, but I might not have. But old patterns die hard.

mood: disappointed, but much better than an hour ago, or worse, a few hours ago when I discovered that damn red X. Why couldn't he be one of those guys who like their girls with "a little extra?!" God I love those guys!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Don't cry for me Argentina

Don't be too worried for me. I have written more posts, but need to transfer them to an internet-accessed computer.

Things look much better in life when you have had more than 4 hours of sleep.

mood: Back to work- and glad (becuase I have legal overnights!)