Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I want trail mix more than sex

On the plane, we now have a new mix on the plane made with almonds, cashews, sweet sesame sticks, and candy coated chocolate pieces that taste better than m&m's. I can eat a bag (500+ calories) very fast. The pringles, which made me so fat, I at least thought were mediocre in taste, but this trail mix, salty, fat, and sweet all at once. I open the bag quickly, and I think "would I rather lose weight so I can have good sex, or would I rather eat these?" and I smile and think "eat these, definitely!"

The problem is, I am fat. I don't want to be fat. But I DONT WANT TO DO THE WORK to lose the weight again. Weight watchers works! It works very well, but you have to do it, and I dont want to. I want to regularly eat cheese and cookies and TRAIL MIX!!!

I had plenty of time to run today and I didn't do that either.

I would like to just get on with my life, get married, and be happy. But I am fat, and I feel unattractive, so even if a guy thinks I am attractive, I don't feel that way, so I feel less sexual. I am so mad that I gained weight. I wish I was 185 again, I wanted to lose weight, but I felt good at least.

I am too fat, and I am too lazy to lose weight

Monday, February 25, 2008

A great feeling

I have to work tomorrow, and usually around this time of night (9PM) I am really anxious, because I have to pack. Packing isn't really that hard (well it is when you are as messy as me) butt I make it hard because my anxiety paralyzes me.

But I packed when I visited my family last night, so I have nothing I have to do tonight but relax and play with my aquarium :)

I think I will try to plan ahead more often, it feels fantastic :)

Saturday, February 23, 2008's spiritual

I just can't believe how things have unfolded. I want anyone to reads this to understand that I got to this point after a long time, and this long time included medication, taken daily, exactly as my doctors have prescribed. When I was young, the anxiety and depression consumed me, without the medication, I am sure I would be dead by today. I would have commited suicide, because survival felt too impossible, or I would have killed myself from drugs, an STD, or some other destructive means of coping with my depression.

Medication allowed me to be human again, and allowed the neurological messages to be sent through my body, so I could get out of bed, communicate, and move through my life. Medication gave me the strength, and the understanding, to do the hard work of therapy, to understand that the way I percieved the world was incorrect, and have the courage to try a new perspective, even though I feared it would make me "shallow" like those people with good upbringings. Somehow I saw happiness, calmness, optimism, as being inauthentic, without medication, perhaps I would never understand that positivity is just as authentic as negativity, and not gotten as far as I am today.

In 2001, I knew it was the end. I knew I could not go any farther with life. I had two options, kill myself, or...I had no other options. I layed myself at the psychiatric professionals feet "I am at the end, please help me, I can't do it alone." My therapist's words were so meaningful to me, when she told me it was wrong to say that I thought a man's intrest in me was "slumming" that I had to listen for the first time ever. I sincerely believed that. I sincerely believed I was a terrible, terrible person, but since I knew I would die if I didn't listen to her, I listened. I learned that I am not only not terrible, I am actually quite caring and compassionate. I learned that I have qualites that few other people do. I learned how to talk back to the thoughts in my head that cut me down, and I was able to do this because I had the medication.

But now, I am lowering my dose. I needed it to learn new thinking, coping, and self-care skills, but now that I have learned, and I would like to think, mastered them. I am ready to come down a bit. And what is on the other side of reduced medications? Emotions! Emotions that would have paralyzed me before therapy, but I am stronger now, I have changed my style of thinking around so well that I correct people when I hear them cut themselves down.

I am ready to reduce my medication, and to take on the next wave of challenges that will come with that. I will have to confront my grief of losing my mother and my father's alcoholism. This really wasnt addressed much in the 2 years of recent therapy, instead I was learning to deal with the way I thought and, well, my sexual behavior. Now is time for a new round of growth, and thanks to the foundation I have built from taking my medication daily, and being so dedicated to therapy, I am strong enough.

In the end, the lexapro sedated me. It sedated me so the anxiety didn't paralyze me. It also helped calm my sex drive enough that I could focus on my relationships with men, and not fall so helplessly into my old patterns. Now, with a reduced dose, I am less sedated, which means I feel more creative, more driven, and more emotional. I have felt genuine sadness about Ullrich's death, and I cried my eyes out when I watched "Whale Rider" tonight. It feels amazing.

If you are suffering from depression and anxiety, or any mental health problem, stick to the psychiatric community. If you feel something isn't right, that someone doesn't understand you, find someone else (I have had more than my share of problems with some medical professionals, but I kept on until I found people who could help) Keep going, be brave enough to believe what they say, you wont believe how much life can change for the better if you do.

And if you are artistic, create. And if you can cry, cry. And if you believe in a higher power, pray.
...but since I am so mature, can I please get with the cheezy italian in NY, or the half brazilian/half argentine man? PUHLEEEZ? I deserve a good Mimbo!

The deep void in my heart that needs to be filled

What is the first red flag that you don't want to date someone? When they have a void in their heart that needs to be filled. So I know better than to admit to mine, but my lowered medication is revealing the void's existance.

I really want a boyfriend, and I know it is mostly because I am hornier now with a lower SSRI dose, but also, I can feel my feelings more, and I know that there is an achy lonliness there. The good news is, I know a man wont fill that lonliness, because that empty feeling isn't because I don't have a man, it is because I don't have a mom.

It's been 21 years, so you might think I would move on eventually, and I pretend like I have, but I don't think the effects of losing her will ever go away. I know that when I was young, I put on a strong act so as not to worry my family, so maybe I need to go through another stage of grieving that should help, but I know that seeking a man to fill it can only lead to trouble.

Speaking of upbringing and men, I am sure I would be doing much better if my dad could have handled the job of raising me. I am old enough now to recognize that his dad was mean, and his dad passed down some lovely anxious genetics which gave my dad a one-two punch that made coping with being a single parent more than he could handle. So now I go through the world trying to weed out the "weak" men. Sadly, in my mind, any flaw at all is proof of being "weak" so how can anyone ever measure up? Even being too perfect is a flaw in my eyes!

One thing I need to come to terms with is I may not get to have children. My mind might not be ready for the right man in time for my body to be ready for children. It's interesting. I feel healthy enough to have kids, but not healthy enough to meet the right guy. I think it's because I only trust myself. I can trust myself to give the kids what they need, but I cant trust a man to give me what I need. Fortunately I only want a child once I have the resources to support it. I am def. not the woman who has a one-night-stand and pretends to be on the pill, like in that Heart song.

I am proud of myself for admitting that I am lonely. I have some pride issues that say "lonely=weak. I dont need anyone" which is so unhealthy. I don't want to roam the world alone, I want a partner, I am glad I am healthy enough to know I need to be healthier, so I can be ready for him.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Not Funny

I was perusing my new favorite site and I was so excited to find my old trainer Ullrich's myspace, so I could submit his picture, but- hes dead.

I loved to tell stories about him being inappropriate and a steroid freak, but he's dead. The steroids arent so funny now. I cant believe it. I am looking at his girlfriend's myspace page, playing "there goes my hero" oh my god, so sad!

R.I.P. "Chainmail" (my friend's nickname for him)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I'm such a racist!

I embarrass myself, really. I get the hots for ethnicities. Its redic. My latest thing has been Asians, and not south Asians, because I have had the hots for them for years, now it's many southeast asians, and more so, Latinos!

In both cases, they arent even "ethnicities" they are collections of ethnicities, but my racist vagina doesnt know the difference. It makes me feel like those men on craigslist that advertise "hung white man for Asian" are there any women who actually respond to that? How demeaning!

So yeah, right now I am hottest for Latinos. It is because of the half argentine half brazilian hotness in Miami. He is pure trouble, but I still swoon thinking about him. I was showing his myspace page to Jennifer, and we were laughing at it's pure lameness. He has the "Korn" symbol on his page, and some energy drink background, AND he has a picture of himself wearing sunglasses, with a pretty girl in the reflection, and the title says "Target Locked, waiting for launch command" EWWWWWWWW! It couldn't be lamer. Truth is, I have the hots for the guy I thought he is, (he wore glasses on the plane) but he is really a douchebag. I think I am doing ok. But if he calls (which he does occasionally) I will want to answer so bad. Maybe I shouldnt even answer. Uh.

Anywho, I think I am just horny. You should hear me talk to this first officer. I am mildly embarrassed. But not really. Mostly it's just cheezy flirting, and in a joking way.

I just want a boyfriend right now, and not for the love, but for the steady stream of sex. Boo hoo.

Friday, February 15, 2008

I said I wanted energy, but...

It's nearly 3 AM and I am up doing the booty dance.


You know I have talked to professionals about me possibly being bipolar, and every time they said I wasnt. Tell you what though, I feel manic right now, and I LOVE it! Well thats a lie, I dont love that I am awake, but I love that I feel so creative, that I have energy and enthusiasm, I miss that part of me, I just assumed that I was getting old and out of shape.

Want to hear something awful, but at the same time lovely? There is a pilot who is from Iowa, his name is craig, and I am so in love with him. He was nice to me when I started here, even though I was depressed and desheviled, and now, I have my mojo back, and I have caught him looking at me like a million times this trip. He also said this weird thing (that I loved) where I was talking about working with children and he said he would bet I would have a lot of "grace" with them. He said he noticed that about me. Weird, but WOO HOO!

Thing is, he is married, and again, an absolute boy-scout. I love him to death, and want him for myself, but I keep smiling at him when I catch him looking at me, which is bad. Maybe it's not bad actually, maybe it seems like "Hi friend, I see you too!" Even though in my head I am thinking "I cant believe HE is looking at me like that!" And dont think he is a bad guy, looking at another woman even though he is married. I think he is such a good guy that he doesnt know how to be sneaky about it.

Okay. Now I have told you that I am awake at an unreasonable hour. I need to try again, because I am in BOSTON and tomorrow we are going to see the sights. (PS, thank god Kareem (remember him?) isn't working tonight.) I would have TOTALLY invited him up for sex tonight. I would have said, "do you want to come up and watch a movie after your shift?" without missing a beat.

I need to find some ways to avoid sex out of relationships too, if I am horny that is harder to resist than pringles or cookies! I would love to have more flings, but you know you can catch stuff from giving oral sex without a condom, and I dont want to use a condom for that. I just need to settle down. Good thing I am marrying super hottie pilot who wished me happy v day today :)

Yeah, I am hyper and loco in la cabeza right now.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

He said "Happy Valentines Day, MMMMWAH!" Hee hee giggle

All over the place- Aching

So I forgot to refill my Lexapro prescription again. Problem is, when I forget, I can't fill it again for 3-4 days since I work 4 day trips. So this week I had 3 pills, when I should have had 4 & 1/2. So instead of taking a full dose for 2 days and no dose the last day, I decided to take 2/3 dose (1 pill instead of 1& 1/2 pill a day) I LOVE IT!

I am going to get a hold of a doctor, and ask to lower my dose. I know what I have been missing, I miss having drive, motivation, and I think it is tied to anxiety. I used to be SO AMBITIOUS, but I overwhelmed myself, and put myself back into depressions. But now I have been through therapy, and have learned new thinking and behavior, and so maybe I am ready to get a little of this anxious energy back.

What is funny though, is I am so ---

SIDE NOTE- Its Valentines day and the HOTTEST FUCKING PILOT ON THE PLANET just sent me a message on myspace! OH MY GAWD I AM GOING TO FUCKING DIE! I dont want to check it, I dont want to seem alone on valentines day, but I am alone on valentines day, oh my GOD!!!!!!!!

Ok, what I was saying is I am just so, god, whats the word? HUNGRY! Not for food, but for life! I am horny as hell. I want to read tons of literature. I want to take classes. I want to workout. I want to primp and be pretty as possible. I feel like I needed the medication to succeed in therapy, but now that I have learned new behaviors, I think I am ready to start to taste my natural biology a bit (a bit, I may never be off medication 100%)

I think I will tell my therapist first, and if she approves, tell a doctor.


But tell you what, I am a little spazzy, I need to pull it in a bit. But this crazy energy is what I need! I feel inspired! I feel that energy that I have been needing in my life :)

OOH! now to check my message :) :) :)

Friday, February 08, 2008

A life of drama

I don't want to write much about this. I really want my effort to go into resolving the issue, not blogging about it. But I have been had.

The boy in Uganda I am sponsering has not been getting all the money, if 10% disappeared, it would be one thing, but I am thinking he has only recieved 25% of what I sent (for school fees etc.) I sent a lot.

I am in the process of resolving it, and getting him into a government school. Fortunately there are 2 canadians there right now, who know the organization I worked with.

And the Ugandan I thought was my friend, who I was sending the money to, has been showing my pic and saying I am his fiance! HA HA HA That part is funny. Money stolen from a child, not funny

Humanity sucks

Sunday, February 03, 2008

I can only tell you bloggy!

Oh my gosh. I cannot tell anyone this. Anyone! Why? Because if this new girl becomes my roommate, and I told someone, she would feel it, she would know...

I had a woman come to check out the room, she is a lezbot, which is cool. I actually like lesbians, they know better than to waste their time with stupid men (then again, I will take low-maintenence men over emotional, impossible to please women anytime!)

So we were chatting, and she said she usually waits a while to tell people, but she is transexual!!! I never would have guessed! She does remind me a bit of my friend's husband, but I figured that was her teeth! Weird! She sort of had a mousey look to her, but I totally thought she was chick-born.

So if she moves in, then I cant even tell Linda, which will KILL me! I need to tell someone!

Moving in aside, I have bigger things to worry about right now than a mistakenly placed penis...She is the only person I liked so far! The pickings are slim these days. I have funny stories to tell you, in fact. But I just thought of one other person I may have liked...more later (if I havent said enough already!)