I was right (of course I was)

A few days ago before a trip, I complained about not having enough energy. I said "I just wish I had more-" and then I realized that was completely within my control. If I want more energy, I should eat more vegetables, less fat, and excercise more!

Well, I am not excercising much, but I have reintroduced lots of veggies into my diet. I feel great! The other day I ate a sandwich covered in tons of veggies, and I felt like a million dollars! And when I eat a sleeve of Pringles, or something fried- I feel DEPRESSED!

So depressed people- start by switching from white carbs to whole grain. Then add lots of veggies to your diet. Then try to cut out the mayo & cream sauces. If you really want to feel good, get rid of the cheese too, but a little cheese isn't so bad, if it helps you stick to healthy eating. Eat slowly and drink lots of water (not sugar pop, or even diet pop) You will be amazed at how you feel!

If you have the problem of eating too few calories, try eating more (from healthy sources, whole grains, vegetables & lean protiens) you will feel healthier, and you wont have to worry about gaining weight, because these are things that are great for your health, and will rev up your metabolism instead of slowing it like starving yourselves.

The best part of Weight Watchers was not the weight loss, it was recognizing the effects food have on my mood and energy. If you are depressed, please give this idea a chance! Candy and greasy food makes you feel pleasure for a second, but if you eat more than a bite or two, it makes you MORE depressed.

Now I need to practice what I preach with excercise!

SIDE NOTE: Apparently omega 3s may help depression, bipolar, ADHD & about a million other things. Get it from fish oil pills, not flax oil, because your body absorbs them better. I suggest an "odorless" type, or you can keep them in the freezer, otherwise you get fish burps.

Who is that fat girl?

I just saw pictures of Linda's wedding.

I'm fat. Very, very, fat.

Tomorrow is it. No more funny business. Back to weight watchers, back to working out.

I cant WIN!!!

So, if I eat too little, I get insommnia. I GET IT!

Damn it! All I want to do is lose a little fucking weight! So what am I doing? Eating less. GEEZ! Yet I am still somehow failing. Why does it have to be so FUCKING HARD!?!

So if I have food with me all the time I will eat it, but if I dont have it around I will be hungry. Eating all the time is a lot of work, especially if you are trying to be healthy. 3 meals a day seems like enough work for me, this whole "5 small meals to keep your metabolism high" sounds IM-FUCKING-POSSIBLE!

And yes, I need to excercise more, but need I remind myself that when I was taking walks my spine went all fucking wacko on me (BTW, it has improved- now that I have stopped walking!)

Im just ANGRY. Probably because I am hungry, LOL. This is just really difficult. I have gained 3-4 pounds and I really see it, so it's important that I take this weight off, but I just cant stand how much work it is. I am doing so well too, thats what pisses me off the most. With all of my good choices I am making, I wish I would see more results. I suppose I can count weight watchers points again, but OH LORD that sounds like even more work (but I suppose it beats sleepless nights)

Close to tears

Right now I am watching Shaq's Big Challenge. It is a show where Shaquille O'neal is trying to help 6 morbidly obese kids lose weight.

I love these weight loss shows, they are so inspiring, but this show is being extremely dramatic. They are melodramatically drilling it in how dangerous this weight is, and I have known this, but when seeing it when dealing with kids, it is choking me up.

One thing that is choking me up is my Aunt and Uncle are obese, and are raising obese kids. Bringing it up to them would be rediculous. My aunt is as anxious as me, and she has to work nearly every day to pay all the bills. Pressuring her would never help, and so her kids are just going to grow up fat, which is worse than becoming fat as an adult, because those are habits that last a lifetime.

And lets also be honest, it is making me think of myself. I am really sedentary, and it has to stop. I am working on it but I need to improve my habits because it's just going to be harder as I age. I guess this show is coming around at the right time, when I am getting back on the Weight Watcher's wagon.

That is why childhood obesity is through the roof. Kids dont have gym or recess anymore, and out of fear of predators they no longer are sent outside to play, instead they play video games. The parents are working so much that they are not able to cook healthy meals for their kids, so they are getting them McDonalds.

Okay, the show is getting a little degrading, I can't decide if it's fair or not, unquestionably what they are talking about is important. I want to see the next episode right now

Cheer me on!

Guess what?

Last night I took my Weight Watchers paperwork out and put it on my vanity. Today I have started tracking my points again, and I am about to go back to the gym after months and months.

I want control of my life. I want to live a different life. I am so lucky to live in a country with the sanitation, safety and opportunities that I am offered, so I need to kick this depression and live the life I would have had if my mom hadn't died.

I am psyched! Especially to imagine that the weight might come off easier now that I will be off Risperdal. It is exciting to imagine! Oh! And I learned that I am at the same weight as when I stopped Weight Watchers. I did get down to 184 when I was working out a little more (this is around the Alan time) but now I am back up to 187. Not bad! I feel so optimistic!

Wish me luck! (again)