Music makes me lonely

I have put together a nice little entertainment center for myself. A TV, DVD player, VCR and little radio the has an auxiliary option that I can use for my iPod or computer. Right now I am listening to a few of my favorite CDs that I have been able to upload to my iPod, and getting this familiar ache.

What I am about to say isn't a revelation, it isn't even my idea, and I probably have said it already a dozen times. I am not lonely for a man, I am lonely for myself! I believe this is why I can't commit to a nice, boring cubicle worker...I keep wanting a man to bring me the stimulation that I am not giving myself in my life!!!

Look at the guys who do it for me...musicians, filmmakers, writers, photographers; successful business or activist types; scientists; people who regularly participate in active things like biking & hiking. Now this is all well and good, you should share interests, but that ache isn't for their company, it's for their inspiration. Its the reminder of myself. I have not been successful at any of these things, and so I am making that antiquated "woman" mistake of trying to create fullfillment from someone else's accomplishments.

I know this was the attraction with Toronto Jackass. His music is just. fucking. brilliant. God he was a jackass, and of course with that 30% sympathetic personality, it just kept me hooked, even with the complete knowledge that he was a jackass. I started writing back and forth with him while I was seeing Mike. He started it. I just responded on Myspace that I loved the music, and the conversation went from there. The hours we spent writing inspired me to ask Mike for more time together, and during our online chats I got to observe the creation of the most beautiful song, which comforted me through the breakup with mike, and the blow-off from Jimmy, the brother of the man that married my cousin. The way T.J. acted I would not put up with from anyone, except maybe him, or a member of Fischerspooner or Royksopp. He pulled that creative part out of me, and I am happy to say I don't want to put her back.


God, I can't believe how conformist I have become over the years. One thing I wonder is if I need to leave my state, where people are very subdued. I constantly feel like I am "too much" and I can't think that withholding my enthusiasm is good for my mental health. I think back to how obsessed I would get with things, particularly music. I would buy a "Q" magazine and just melt into the pages, fawning with the "ravers" in particular, in denial of how much drugs were involved with their elaborate personas. Now I try not to get too excited, because I know I sound like a nut-job. But the only time I get anything creative accomplished is when I let myself get lost in my own head. (did I mention I wrote a poem about how much my company pisses me off? :) )

This is not an "I'm gonna" post. I already am changing. I had my tonsils removed in December, and it helped me make a big leap forward in my depression. I am pretty sure I had sleep apnea (It was never officially diagnosed, but they removed the tonsils anyway because I am frequently sick) and I am pleased to say I have noticed far less depression. It was the norm for me to wake up 4-5 times a night, I didn't know I was capable of sleeping the night through. Now that I can, I am a completely different person. I am getting so many little projects done, ones that seemed so big before. I sincerely think I have been living my life half asleep for as long as I can remember. Who knew that tonsils could be so disabling?

Also, I have pulled myself out of my depression by being easy on myself. I got myself in it by pushing myself so hard to be this perfect person, and I had to change my way of motivating myself. I have let myself take it easy, as I emerged from the depression, but I have been in remission for awhile now, and it's time I stop focusing on survival, and frankly, getting a life!

I am so glad I have my stereo set up, so I can be reminded of that "special someone" that I deserve in my life. My old self!

SIDE NOTE, me & T.J. have barely spoken since our tryst. He had a girlfriend with an "open" relationship. I believe him, or I wouldn't have done it. He made her out to sound like a big drug addict, and I shared with him what I know about addicts, that all you can do is support them getting better or leave. He did, but he got defensive about my (perfectly sensitive) response to the news. I tried to open dialogue, but it never went anywhere. He is touring in India now, and based on my Facebook stalking him, I am pretty certian they are back together, or going to be. There are two good things I can say about this. One, he posted something about his religious pilgramage, and how it made him want to be a better person. It makes me feel good to know that he will have more peace in his life, and two...I knew what I was getting into. I knew I wouldn't get what I needed or deserved from him, but I followed my passion, and didn't get (very) hurt. I can even listen to his music now without feeling a pang. It may be because I feel hope he will have a better life. It sucks to see someone being miserable, and have the gut feeling they will remain miserable (because they are a jackass)

UPDATE: After writing this I was taking a shower, and felt this old, familiar feeling...happiness. I know my life will be better when I make these changes. How 'bout that!

Sometimes its not a good thing to be such a tough bitch

As anyone with depression knows, you feel sick most of the time. If you have depression and you called in sick every time you felt like you couldn't go to work, well you wouldn't have to go to work, because you'd have no job.

So I try to never call in sick, even when I am sick.

Yesterday I felt a lot better, so I decided to go into work. I did fine for the first flight, but then we sat for 3 hours, and the second flight just felt really hard. I called in and went home.

The dumb thing is I felt so guilty. I felt like I was faking, I guess since I was able to stand upright I figured I am the picture of health. But when you have a head full of phlegm, it doesnt feel very good to be in a pressurized airplane. Not to mention the long hours. If I could work 5, or even 8 hours a day, I would be fine, but I can't handle the 12 hour days right now.

Its now my goal to drink more water than I have in my entire life. Water works miracles.

My Depression

So do I feel sad right now? No. But I do feel "Anhedonia" and "Psychomotor Retardation" I'm lazy and bored.

I did drink 3 glasses of wine last night, I wonder if that has anything to do with it today. All I know is I need to start eating better and working out. I don't want to get depressed again!

...Then again, my boobs hurt like crazy, maybe this is PMS?

I slept until 3:45PM

Depression? Bad diet? Grey sky?

I was right (of course I was)

A few days ago before a trip, I complained about not having enough energy. I said "I just wish I had more-" and then I realized that was completely within my control. If I want more energy, I should eat more vegetables, less fat, and excercise more!

Well, I am not excercising much, but I have reintroduced lots of veggies into my diet. I feel great! The other day I ate a sandwich covered in tons of veggies, and I felt like a million dollars! And when I eat a sleeve of Pringles, or something fried- I feel DEPRESSED!

So depressed people- start by switching from white carbs to whole grain. Then add lots of veggies to your diet. Then try to cut out the mayo & cream sauces. If you really want to feel good, get rid of the cheese too, but a little cheese isn't so bad, if it helps you stick to healthy eating. Eat slowly and drink lots of water (not sugar pop, or even diet pop) You will be amazed at how you feel!

If you have the problem of eating too few calories, try eating more (from healthy sources, whole grains, vegetables & lean protiens) you will feel healthier, and you wont have to worry about gaining weight, because these are things that are great for your health, and will rev up your metabolism instead of slowing it like starving yourselves.

The best part of Weight Watchers was not the weight loss, it was recognizing the effects food have on my mood and energy. If you are depressed, please give this idea a chance! Candy and greasy food makes you feel pleasure for a second, but if you eat more than a bite or two, it makes you MORE depressed.

Now I need to practice what I preach with excercise!

SIDE NOTE: Apparently omega 3s may help depression, bipolar, ADHD & about a million other things. Get it from fish oil pills, not flax oil, because your body absorbs them better. I suggest an "odorless" type, or you can keep them in the freezer, otherwise you get fish burps.

"The Herb" made everything ok

Last night I sat on my massage cushion and that helped my mood. I was sitting trying to think of what could make me feel better and I thought a man making out with me, saying I am really hot would help, but I probably wouldn't be in the mood because I was feeling so unsexy. Then when I imagined a backrub, and I knew that was what I needed. I sat on the cushion, and it really helped.

I took a valerian root pill to help me sleep better. I wondered why the heck I don't take them everyday I'm not working. If I don't have to get up in the morning then why not be sure I get a good nights sleep, and reset my schedule?

I did sleep well. I didn't wake up at 4AM like usual, and toss and turn for an hour, and I had no trouble falling asleep either, I didn't lay in bed thinking about how fat and ugly I felt at the moment. I just went to sleep, and stayed asleep.

Some good news when I got up. The scale has me at 2 pounds over my lowest weight this year. So I can feel confident that I look as good as I did when everything was going so well (Hell! Everything was going well when I was up 8 pounds) so i can just look forward to a good day, to picking myself back up and going back to the great mood I was in.

I will miss his southern drawl

I made it to work. I didn't call in sick, I wasn't late, I made it, and I was tired but it was all good. I tell you what, except for the lack of sleep, I just love my job. It's just fun. Well, except for the lack of sleep and the money, but I shouldn't be complaining about that right now- although it's time for me to quit shopping, because my money is back to normal now (oops! I was going to put some aside to go to Bangladesh! I better get on that!)

So anyway it was a fun trip. I flew with a favorite pilot, who has been there from the beginning. He talks with a strong southern twang, and he talks a lot! It was fun. He is going to what I will call "the new base" because we are going to start flying for a new carrier. I will miss him. I miss a lot of the old pilots, because our airline is a regional, so it is only a stepping stone for pilots.

Today in the crew lounge was like being reunited with all the best of them. First let me mention the one I am in love with (which one? you ask) well I don't know what I called him, but he is my favorite. He just got engaged, but I know that he would be interested if he wasnt. It gives me hope. HE would totally be the one. Him and I were cracking up about "The pick up artist." Then there was a guy who sold me the PDA phone a few years ago. And my biking buddy, remember him? And vegetarian dreamboat pilot was there, and the Nigerian guy who has a crush on me and who volunteers for children. Was there anyone else there? I swear there was. I just looked like the most popular girl in school. Oh yeah, the older guy who makes me melt (GOD I CANT REMEMBER THE NAMES I MADE UP FOR THESE GUYS!)

Maybe the highlight of the week was singing in the plane. There were two times I was getting really worn out, so I was singing songs over the loudspeaker before the passengers came on. The captain was cheering me on, but you know what? I can never tell if he is sincere. I don't care. It really cheered me up. I just wanted to laugh and singing really does relieve stress.

And then at the end of the day I went to IKEA. But that's the end of my shopping for awhile. I can go to goodwill but thats it. I am down to the normal amount of money (except without credit card debt) so I want to keep it that way. I am happy I spent the money. When I started this blog I was unwilling to buy socks that cost more than a dollar a pair, so I wore greyed socks with all the elastic gone, I didn't feel I deserved any better. This month I have bought alot, but still (well) within reason. My most expensive purchase was probably a $30 pair of silver earrings.

I am giving myself an unintentional life makeover. I think that I know inside that I have changed for the better, and I am wanting to shed the depressed identity and replace it with a more current identity that reflects more accurately how I feel about myself.

Once again, I want all of you depressed people to hear me here I WAS AS DEPRESSED AS YOU ARE! I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. YOU CAN BE THIS CONTENT TOO! Stay in therapy, learn to think positively, be your own best friend, and find a way to help others. It will happen. I was suicidal in 2002, so it took a few years, but like it says on the bottom of my blog, every little thing you do to be healthier adds up. You don't see it at first, but it is there, and the tiny pebbles add up, and one day, if you don't give up, you can be on solid ground, like I am.

Okay, enough complaining about not getting enough sleep- howabout I go to bed now?

My Computer, and I, are back to life

I have so much to write, and on my newly repaired computer I could write for hours, but there is so much to say, too much, so I will just start from today.

I am just happy in my life. Very happy. No boyfriend, no big deal (though some sex would be REAL nice! Oh my god I miss it, and it's been a LONG time!) But minus the sex, just about everything is great.

I have gained back the 6 pounds I had lost, my room is still messy, but thats just things I will have to deal with I guess.

I just have energy (too much really!) so even though I am not everything I want to be, its no big deal, I have the energy to work towards it, I feel like I am moving forward.

I have been shopping (ALOT!) which is a GREAT sign. I have been checked for Bipolar disorder, and know that I don't have it, so this shopping I have been doing is a sign of health. I have been buying things for myself, meaning I find myself worthy of nice things. But, in spite of the amount of shopping I have been doing, I have practiced amazing restraint! See, my grandpa has decided to give me my mother's inheritance, and so he sends out money every year to shrink it down. Well he just sent out a check. (FYI, this contentment came BEFORE the check- cool huh?) I put most of the money to pay off my car (I only owe $2000 now!) paid off my credit card, and decided to allow myself $500 to buy clothes. I have been wearing mostly goodwill clothes for the past 5+ years so I have decided to upgrade my wardrobe to Target (hey big spender!)

Buying clothes for myself has been so fun. I have gotten very basic things, very simple style, with little trends mixed in to feel current. I have bought some very sexy heels, for wearing out, but I don't know how much more I will be going out, because I haven't heard from Kelsey in awhile. We'll see. Anyway, it feels so good to buy things, and to trust myself that I will not go overboard in spending, even when I have the money.

Really its like I'm becoming the old Diana again. And folks, I am talking REALLY old, like high school/early college Diana, one none of you ever knew. This Diana is bubbly, charasmatic, & sexy. Think Kelly Clarkson on her auditions for American Idol, or Heather Graham, maybe a little Drew Barrymore (who someone compared me to on the plane this week) I miss that Diana, and frankly, I thought she was gone forever, I thought the world killed her, and a sadder, more jaded Diana had taken over for good. Apparantly not.

Thing is too...this is big...I don't think I am going to get seriously depressed again soon. I really think that therapy made a BIG difference. I have not feared depression for months, and I used to fear it every time I was tired or crabby. Now I just say "Im tired" or "I feel crabby right now"

This isn't a very descriptive post, it's just where I am in my life right now. I had to break the seal and post something, because otherwise the pressure would get too big, and I wouldn't post anything.

Anyway- I am wishing you heath, and happiness. If you are feeling depressed right now, look at how healthy I am (happy- not manic) and know that I am just like you, and you will be happy again too. Just believe, be patient, and take care of yourself as best you can.

MWAH- love you

Progress

I am still frustrated with my habit of being lazy and isolated in the house on sunny days. This is not healthy behavior, and if I am going to fight this depression, I need a lifestyle that is fun, not depressing like this.

I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.

But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.

When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.

Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.

I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.

I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.

AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.

Starting Fresh

A few days ago I was lamenting the fact that 2 of my single friends are leaving the city. Jennifer is going to grad school in Arizona, and Emma is taking a 10 month position in Bangladesh. I was sad and upset, but after today, I am okay with it.

I am sad about Emma leaving, but Jennifer I am glad about. I love her, I really do, but she drives me up the fucking wall. She is a dominant personality, and has some unhealthy thinking patterns that she is too stubborn to recognize, and far too defensive to have them pointed out.

Today she was complaining that her friend said her friend/lover Matthew is mean. Well, he is sortof mean. So she complained and complained about how wrong it was for her friend to judge her so, and I kept trying to point out that her intentions were probably good. (No, I did not mention that I also think Matthew is mean)

At one point Jennifer said "WHY DO YOU KEEP DEFENDING HER?" and I made a point to counter her as vigorously has she stated it, because she intimidates to get her point across. I let her know that sometimes she has a negative perspective on things, and that I was just making sure she could see that there may have been only concern, not malice and judgement coming from her friend.

I wont go into the conversation any deeper, but needless to say you cant win with Jennifer. Its her way or the highway. That is how I relate to her, I just let her have her way, because arguing with her is just so annoying. She wants her way, she gets it. It's not that rewarding a good percentage of the time.

Now that she will be going to Arizona I will have her in small bits, and only over the phone, so I can hang up when she starts getting impossible, which is often.

Another thing that at one point in my life would have stressed me out is my roommate (Jennifer's friend) is going to grad school too. All this time I thought her and I were fine, but it turns out that she had made comments about me to Jennifer. I am sure it was just venting, not talking smack, but its still annoying to hear about it third hand. Jennifers dumb way about relaying the message adds to the abnoxiousness of the whole thing, but who cares? Because she is leaving in a week.

I have to face the fact that I will be judged for my lifestyle, even if it is because of depression. In fact, the fact that I acknowledge the depression as the cause of the isolating and procrastinating probably makes people judge me more, because it's seen as an excuse, not simply a reason, or one of many challenges that I have faced, one, like many others, I will be successful at, but am yet to overcome.

But it is at the top of my list to deal with. Laying in my bed surfing the internet on a sunny day is not how I want to live my life. I am living the lifestyle that worked for me when I was depressed, but I am not depressed now, and I need to break these habits, or I will be depressed again.

What I am planning to do on my anti-social days is this, if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone at the gym and the coffee shop. I hopefully will go to the gym, take a shower, and then look at gossip sites at the coffee shop. I have NO problem being a complete bum, who does nothing but lift weights and drink coffee, as long as I am a happy bum. Right now, I am not a happy bum.

The great news is, a new roomate doesnt ever need to know about my gossip in bed on a sunny day habit. He or she will only see what I present to them, so I can try to make my bum habits part of my past.

A fresh start is great. I feel lucky, not stressed

Well at least I got out of the house

I got a random call from my cousin tonight asking to crash at my house. I didn't want to bother my roommate while we caught up so I suggested a coffee shop or bar, and leaned towards a bar because of last night and the extrememly boring day I had today.

It was fun, my cousin and I had a real bond a few years ago, so it was fun to catch up. It was also fun to be drinking, and out of the house. I really need to go out more I have decided (having unmarried friends is a great start to having that)

The downside of the evening was being out with a man close to my age, no men would approach me. I think I saw one guy look at me, but thats the most play I could get. My ego needs a boy right now. I think I might be ready to start dating again, or at least to get out, drinking and being seen.

Its funny that I ended a friendship with my neighbor, who drinks too much, because he drinks too much, when what I want is to go out drinking more. But going out with him seems pointless, because our conversations are boring, and sex with him is weird, so I am going out with a man, meaning I wont meet any men, and I cant even have sex at the end of the night, that's just not fun.

I want to go out again soon. My life is so boring I cant believe it. I am un-depressed, but have the depressed habits, I need to change my habits before I become depressed again.

A nice moment between dad and I

I dont think I wrote about the nice moment my dad and I had the other day. I couldn't sleep at my grandparent's/dad's the other day because the walls were caving in on me because I was having traumatic flashbacks of living under my dad's care, but I made the choice to lie to my family, and say it was the ticking of the clocks that kept me awake. What good would it do to rub it in?

I had told him that night that he sometimes makes things more complicated than they need to be, and I reflected on how so much of what I had to un-learn in therapy I learned from him, and so he is still suffering from things I have overcome.

The next day when we were alone I mentioned this, how so much of what I have un-learned I learned from him, so if he went to therapy it could unlearn these things and reduce his stress. I also mentioned that one advantage I have over him is I am open to trying different things, and he is very stubborn. But if he could be less stubborn and more open he could benefit a lot from it. He has said in the past that he is too busy, so I loaned him a well respected book "the anxiety and phobia workbook"

His response was very receptive. He even said "I would love to be more like you" that is almost as good as hearing "I was not a good parent to you, and you deserved better."

I also think, that in the safe place as an adult that I am in, the "daddy daughter game" should continue. He needs to think of himself as a decent parent more than I need the justice of having it acknowledged that my childhood was ruined by his parenting and alcoholism, and that so much of the mental problems I face today are bcaust of him. the only danger I have to avoid is falling into the trap of hoping he will play the role of parent that I need, because he often lets me down, not that that is what he wants.

Wow, he just e-mailed me.

Loving my dad makes me sick

Last night I loved my dad a little bit. I was spending the day at my grandparent's (and his) house because other family was in town, and I softened up a bit. I was laying on the couch in the living room about to doze off and my dad came down for a cigarette. Before going outside he told me he was having an excruciating toothache, and will likely (finally) get them all pulled and get dentures.

You see, my dad has barely any teeth. He took a medication called parnate in the 90's and literally woke up with teeth coming out of his mouth. Is this shocking and upsetting to you? Now imagine it's your dad telling you this. He also was obsessing (as he does) about loaning me an external drive for my uganda photos. I reminded him twice that I can just put them on a DVD and they will be fine. He did this again recently, he was trying so hard to get me a computer bag from the things he has. He had one that would have worked, but it had a devider in it, so he kept obsessing, saying "I will saw the devider out" when I had already said I would just keep looking for a bag at a thrift store. He does this, he makes a simple thing complicated.

The obvious connection between these two things is that they are heroic efforts that he does on his daughter's behalf. He wants to be important in my life, and he is well aware that he isnt (not in a positive way) and so even though I have already stated I have a solution, he still will stick to his train of thought about fixing my problem until I have told him twice "no dad, a solution has been reached"

Another offputting thing about him is that he appears not to listen, ever. I will tell a story and he will smile blankly and say "oh!" when it is really not the right response to the comment or story. I wonder what he is thinking about when I am talking, and why he responds at all if he isn't listening. He did that a lot to me as a kid, but it's just peculiar now.

Last night after he finished his cigarette and went back to bed my anxiety was in full force. I haven't felt that anxious since before I started risperdal. I felt like I was a child again, living with my dad, and I felt that awful desire to escape, with no way out. However I had a way out. I knew that I needed to get home, so I could remember that I am an adult now, I am safe, and I am not tied to him. I left a note on the table and drove home, at my grandparents, in the car, and at home I cried a little, but I felt safe again, and fell asleep just fine.

What I think I have to be careful of is loving him in the wrong way. When I love him "as a dad" I am tying myself to him. Boundaries between parents and kids are naturally more pourous than with other people, I think. Or maybe he has terrible boundaries, and is always trying to suck me back in. Either way, boundaries are everything. I have to keep remembering that him and I are seperate beings, his choices and crazyness are him, not me. Since my adolecence my dad has felt like an energy sucking black hole, like I should put all my attention onto him and his issues, and none will be put on my upbringing. My aunt said that he didn't even think it was a big deal that I was having sex at 13!

Frankly, I want nothing to do with him. He is awful to look at and smell, and he has brought more pain and suffering into my life than anything good. But he's still my dad, and I can't pretend he doesn't exist can I? Uh, I dont like where this is going. I dont think it is safe to have any more than a superficial relationship with that man. He has hurt me so many times, I feel sick just thinking about him. I owe him nothing.

On the other hand, do you hate a family member who is retarded, or has alzheimers? It's really the same thing. But it's unhealhty to turn to someone with downs syndrome or alzheimers, and expect fully healthy things from them- especially for them to be a parent. Thats just the thing...he was an unfit parent, and many of the mental problems I have are a result of that. Let me be aware of that and move forward without the wish that he can ever be more.

Its so sad. I worshiped him when I was a little girl. I loved him more than my own mom. Thats what was so hard, to feel that way about him, and to want that feeling back, but to be hurt every time I trust him. I feel so bad for him. He makes an outcast of himself by his appearance. People must assume its meth because of his teeth, I just cant imagine how isolated he must feel.

I wish I could save him, but I tried for years, life doesn't work that way.

The Rght Direction

I think that my realization that I was dwelling on my crabbiness and misery and making it worse has done me some good. I still have done my share of laying in bed with my computer on my lap, but eventually I was up and cleaning my house. I cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and living room, and now I am finally tackling my bedroom.

My therapist told me that you can't unlearn what you have learned. It makes sense. I may have flirted with the idea that I am unloveable and a failure, but now that I am aware that that is untrue, I wasn't able to hold onto it for long. I eventually had to admit to myself that I am not a loser, but in fact very smart and tenatious, and that I will cope with the increased anxiety, I will be imperfect, but it is time that I learned that that is inevitable.

Wish me luck that I finish cleaning my room. My instincts say I will :)

Shifting Relationship

I hung out with my neighbor for the first time in a long time. The last time we hung out we were going to have sex, and when I was in a vulnerable position, ready for him to begin, he stopped and patted the bed saying "lets talk" and told me that he would prefer I tell him I love him, instead of the more profane talk. At one point I was in that vulnerable position again, and he wanted to talk again. That was it for me, I got my clothes on and decided I would never have sex with him again. This isn't the first time things have been weird. With the chemistry we have it shouldn't be that way.

I don't think he is intentionally weird, I think it has something to do with his sexual functioning from the antidepressants he takes, but that didn't change the fact that it makes me feel frustrated and, most of all, embarrassed. Being in the throws of passion you look pretty stupid, and if the action stops in the middle you are stuck looking and feeling like a freak, not to mention being all worked up without any satisfaction. Sex is supposed to make you feel good, not bad, so I don't want it with him anymore.

He just got back from a trip, we chatted and caught up, and I told him about the back probelms I have been having. He offered me a backrub and when I reminded him that I want our relationship to change, he promised it was just a backrub and I went up.

The backrub felt amazing. Not only did I get a backrub, but it was a backrub by someone I am very attracted to, so it felt twice as good. I also rubbed his back, and he said that he had been in a down mood, but that the backrub helped.

Howabout that for mutual benefit? Trading backrubs. It's nurturing and good for everyone's health. He's good at it, I'm good at it. If one of us is feeling down we can help each-other out (unlike with sex, where if you are feeling down you don't feel sexy) and we live close to each-other so it would be convenient.

I also have decided to hang out with him in more sporty/healthy ways. He drinks on a regular basis and while I wouldn't say he is an alcoholic, I enjoy him less when he's drunk. He likes to work out and do outdoorsy things, so I think I will skip the bar crawls, (which usually bore me if there's no music or dancing anyway) and just hang out with him in healthier ways.

He's a good guy. I want good things for him. I hope that our friendship can progress and have substance if the sex is gone.

Dwelling

So I'm miserable, so the tinyest tasks seem like moving mountains, that is all very unfortunate, but I am making it worse by the way I dwell on it.

I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?

When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.

Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.

So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)

I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.

I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.

I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.

I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.

I want my mom

My last post got me thinking. What is my very favorite addiction? Boys :) This has been the case since I turned 12, and went from an ugly duckling to a swan. I have found attention intoxicating, and have felt at my worst when I was obese and not getting any attention.

Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.

This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.

Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.

I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.

Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)

So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.

I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.

Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.

What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.

I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!

Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.

I lost my temper today

It hasn't been great since cutting my Risperdal dose. It has been very sad, in fact. I was getting used to myself being a certian way, easygoing, happy, pleasant, and then I had to cut the Risperdal dose. Now I am much more irritable, and I feel like I am not myself anymore, and the person I am I don't like.

Today we were returning home from Canada, and we were sent to a gate with customs, so the rampers werent familiar with our plane. They knocked, and were supposed to wait until I opened the door, but since they were unfamiliar with our plane they just kept knocking then opened the door themselves. I looked out the door and snapped "I wasn't cleared to open the door yet!" and then when they just sort of stood there, not putting the railings down, I pulled out the pins myself and slammed the railings down. Geez! What a bitch! Those rampers probably felt stupid, they may have never encountered a CRJ before and I made a big scene about it. I feel like such a jerk.

Since being so irritable and stress prone I am no longer hungry for children, but it's not in a good way, like I am not obsessed anymore, instead it's in a sad way, I just know I can't handle kids, and I question if I can even have a relationship, so I no longer see kids as within my realm of possibility anymore. Oh how sad. And I haven't even gotten off the Risperdal all the way. I feel the person that I am melting away and being replaced with a tense bitch. I feel really unloveable, mostly because I don't like myself anymore. I am judgemental of people who scowl or snap at people, I am judgemental of alcoholics and angry people, and now look at me, I am in the shoes of those people again. (Not alcoholics, but I can see how easy it is to become one)

I was in Office Max the other day and a guy was really eager to help me. I just thought to myself that he really ought to keep his distance, because the closer he gets the uglier he will realize I am, because I am really, really crabby and unpleasant on the inside. You know thats where I chose the last name "Crabtree" for myself right? Because I am so regularly crabby.

One thing that has made a big difference? I bought a Homedics Shiatsu Massage Cushion for myself. It was $150 and worth every penny. I guess the way food or sex can bring much needed pleasant sensations, this can too, but without the negative side effects.

Time to go back to therapy

A little depression creeping in

Today I woke up at noon. I got to bed by 12AM, but yet I woke up at noon for some reason.

I went to get printer ink with a scowl on my face.

Look, I am too blah to even write a blog post.

Two weeks on a half dose of Risperdal...Should I stop altogether?

I have been depressed on and off for the last few days, including suicidal ideation. It is time now for me to stop taking Risperdal altogether (after talking to my Psychiatrist first) and I feel iffy about it.

I just HATE being anxious, and the anxiety just makes me depressed right away. Who knew? I am just so sensitive to the littlest bits of stress. It's terrible.

I think that part of the problem is my thinking patterns, I feel anxious or depressed and then I "globalize" it, meaning I extend my moment of discomfort into my whole life, and I assume my whole life will feel the way I am feeling at that moment, and I get more depressed. I also have been feeling awful after being dumped, I was dumped because I flew off the handle, and that makes me feel like an undesirable partner, which makes me think I will die alone and then of course I feel depressed then (can you see these unhealthy patterns? I feel tense because the canada dry is in the back of the cart and therefore I will die alone!)

I am hoping I can stave off a permanent depression by deep breathing, working out more (and tracking my Weight Watchers points- 3 days so far!) And socializing more. I also plan to do the well respected "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" And I am definately going back to therapy.

But I am still mad. When I get anxious like this I get so stuck in the feelings of unfairness. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if I had a mom. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if my dad wasn't drunk my whole adolecence. Why did I have to get punished with this brain chemistry when my life was already so shitty?

Maybe I will stay at a half dose of risperdal until the bottle runs out. Otherwise it will go to waste anyways. I will ask my doctor.

I am hopeful for the best. I cant say I haven't grown in the last 2 years at all, that it was just the Risperdal helping me, so I can't say I will go back to being like I was. I just hope I can get married and have a family one day. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I want what everyone else has.