Tuesday, October 31, 2006

SO Upset!

SO get this shit!

My roommate and I were supposed to go out for halloween, and then we had this big fight. Then I had made tenative plans with my sister Linda. So a few days later my roomate says "I dont have anything to do for Halloween" and so I invite her with Linda and I.

I call two days ago to Linda, I leave her a message asking if my roommate can come, and then we can all go out afterward. Linda never calls me and I realize at 5 tonight, Its fucking Halloween. I call Linda and she says "I thought you were going out with your roommate"

Fucking roommate has made other plans! All my fucking friends are fucking married and my fucking boyfriend has left me to go to another fucking country! This is worse than having nothing to do for one holiday. This brings back the feelings back from when I would see my dad on holidays with no friends to make plans with. This brings me back to Halloween 2001 when I hadn't made any friends up at college, and I had to suffer the humiliation of having nothing to do on Halloween.

I am so upset. I could call my friends, but I would be inviting myself to be the third wheel with them and their husbands. I could go hang out with my grandparents and father, but when I feel like a stressed out loser I don't need my father to help the situation.

I just want to call Linda and say "why the hell didn't you call me and tell me?- now I have no plans and I feel like a COMPLETE FUCKING LOSER" I am so upset right now that I want to throw things.

I am going to take a sleeping pill, Valerian. Unhealthy choice? Probably. I have to get through this night. If I take the sleeping pill I can just go to bed and try to forget it ever happened.

I am sure everything is okay, but this just stabs me in the heart. It brings me back to very painful times in my life. I didn't even want to do anything tonight. I am so upset. I am hoping the sleeping pill will calm me down, so I can get my head together and realize I am not the hugest loser in the world, I just did a bad job of making plans.

I ate and took the Valerian root. I feel better, fine really.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Happy Moment!

Of course I should record this, I have just had a very happy moment!

I had the moment when I layed back on my bed, with fresh sheets and extra blankets, in the big room (I have lived in a room as big as 1 & 1/2 full sized beds for the last 2 years) with a cable equipped TV on in the room. I just got home, via my car.

Treasure it Diana


The idaho wind is so loud whistling through the windows that it may keep me awake tonight.

I just have to get off my chest my new crush! Our first officer this trip is on OE (that's like a 30 hour final test- they fly, but with an OE captian who checks them out.) He MELTS me. He is from Georgia, in a town of 1000. He has the cutest accent, and a boyish face that really makes me feel like I am 11 years old. We were having a conversation about weight loss and he said I wasn't fat. :) I'm smitten.

I don't think that their is anything wrong with developing crushes when you are in a relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship I am in is going well. It's just non-existant. We barely e-mail once a week, and even those e-mails are short and brief. I feel angry at him for leaving me, even though that anger is completely unfair. Charles will be gone for 2 more months. I hope my anger doesn't get stronger.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

What I taped on roomie Jennifer's door


I finally understand the point you were trying to make. The "soulless" comment drove the point home. [She had said she considered her Athiest friend soulless, but would never tell him that, so an Athiest shouldn't tell their opinions about Christianity to Christians] It doesn't matter what my intentions were, it doesn't matter if when I said them I thought they were harmless, by just stating my opinion about what I think about specific beliefs, I have been hurtful and offensive, not harmless.

They say that you should never talk about religion or politics when you first meet someone, and this is why. You can't tell what someone thinks just by looking at them, you have to get to know them first to know what effect what you say has. I wish so much I would have just followed this advice instead of having to learn it the hard way. I am ssorry for speaking so carelessly and offending you.

Sad fact of the matter is now our opinions are out in the open, and their are some things that apologies cant undo.

I am so sad that feelings were hurt but I suppose it is better that we be honest and respectful, than be smiling when there is some negative undercurrent going on. I never felt that way about you, but I could tell that you felt that about me, so at least now it is out in the open.

As a way to show respect, I am going to be less relaxd about the housekeeping and stop eating your food. Please realize it is difficult for me, so please understand when I slip up, but I will make a stronger effort.

Take Care

People hate indifference

Tonight sucked. I sat and debated with my roommate for hours. I wasn't in the mood for a debate, I continuously tried to steer the conversation from a debate to a conversation, but she kept telling me how wrong I was about everything. It's not like we disagree on a SINGLE thing, we pretty much have exactly the same views on everything, yet I am still wrong.

I expect it will be civil coldness for 2 months because that is all I can muster. I don't have the energy to try to mend or develop the friendship, and I dont think she will want to because my indifference has become evident, and there is nothing crueler than indifference. If I got passionately angry at her telling me everything I think (which is exactly the same thing as she thinks) is wrong, things might have a chance. But I simply. dont. care.

She is under a tremendous amount of stress right now, her GRE is coming up and she is ending a relationship with one or more of her friends, so I can see I am getting the brunt of that, but I think the light being shown on my indifference pretty much kills the chance of a friendship.

This illustrates, I think, something that my therapist described as me "comparing my insides to other people's outsides." When I look at her I see an accomplished, pretty, very funny and smart person, and when I think of myself I think of all of my flaws. But I can see that she is very oversensitive, agressive, and apparently has some problems in her friendships. I was seeing the surface and seeing near perfection, but on the inside she is as flawed as anyone else.

In the end I am OKAY WITH MYSELF. I am an overweight slob who doesn't make a lot of money, who doesn't have a degree, and who's wardrobe and lifestyle are hardly fashionable, but I am still glad I am me. Maybe (probably) that is a problem I have with roommates. I have these blaring flaws, yet I continue to exist, and even have the audacity to like myself.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Kill the Messenger

I just saw a girl from my initial training class. We always smile and hug and catch up when we see each other, and have discussed going out. This girl wears altogether too much makeup. She wears too dark base (thought she has improved since training) she wears dark eyeliner, and way too long false eyelashes, which aren't even spread out sideways, they point forward, they look just stupid, which is so sad because this girl is really beautiful.

A few weeks ago a girl with awful makeup walked by me and a flight attendant I was chatting with, and the flight attendant I was chatting with mentioned my classmate. I thought, since we were “friends” of sorts, I sort of owed it to her to tell her. It's like the spinach in the teeth principle, you feel embarrassed to hear you have spinach in your teeth, but it's less embarrassing than coming home after an evening out and seeing you have it there, and you ate hours ago.

So I saw her and she told me I looked tired. I said “I should probably put some makeup on, that helps.” She brought up how her boss used to “give her shit” about her eye makeup, and I knew that this was the best time I would ever have to bring it up.

I tried to be sensitive, I told her that someone had said that, and that I agreed. Suddenly her body changed, she tensed up, started shuffling things around, she got MAAAD. She said “who was it...they can kiss my motherfucking ass.” And when I said “let's talk about something else” she said “I've got to go” and stormed off.

I don't feel sorry for telling her. I think it was the right thing to do. I could have just said that someone else had said something about it, but that would have been a cop-out. It could have made it sound like I think they look nice, which I don't. I think her response to me was wrong, although I can see that this REALLY upsets her. I used to wear my jean skirt rolled so it looked like a miniskirt instead of a knee length, and I got teased about it a lot, so I wore it that way even more (and as I predicted I saw this look in a fashion magazine recently) so I guess I relate to her defensiveness. But I really did her a favor. She looks bad, and she doesn't need to.

When we were in training she said about me “I am going to keep my distance from that girl, she's trouble.” The truth of the matter was I was suicidally depressed, I had made a mistake about the date of arrival, which snowballed into other problems, which made me look bad in training. I didn't hold her statement against her, I decided she had made a judgemental comment, but that her overall personality was good, so I could let it go. She should let what I told her go, because I said it with the intention of helping.

But again, I don't care. I want good things for her, but I am not going to make any further effort with her. I feel like I did the right thing, so I will stand by that, and let her do with it what she wants.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Living with me

Today I stumbled out of bed at nearly 1PM. My roommate Jennifer told me that she had cleaned the entire house this morning, including the bathroom. I asked her "why did you do that?" and she said "because it was disgusting" to which I replied "good reason" and we both laughed.

I, this week, opened the paper towels and didn't put them on the roll. I contributed to the garbage and dishes (I washed some of them at least) and when Jessica asked the day before if she could skype on my computer, I left and forgot to put my computer in the living room. (She was too polite to go in my room to get it) I take plenty of naps, and on my days off I am usually sitting around the house, hair a mess, with clothes thrown on.

It saddens me to imagine the problems this could cause in a dating relationship. In my opinion I am doing very well! I am doing as well as I ever have in my life, if you exclude the times that I took on more than I could handle.

I think Charles is very patient and understanding, I suppose I should be thanking my lucky stars to have found him. I hope so much that I will do an effective job of pulling my own weight in the cleanliness department.

I am also concerned about the heat thing. Jennifer told me this morning "I turned on the space heater because I was too cold" It seemed apologetic- but at the same time it was trying to tell me its cold.

It's not my fault that it's cold- grrrr. Or should I say brrrr.

Still a little drunk

Tonight we went to a well known gay bar to see Hedwig and the Angry inch! It was alright, the actor was not nearly as loveable as John Cameron Mitchell, the writer and star of the movie.

Afterward we went dancing at the club. I made a new friend, "Ryan." I gave him my number, we had a lot of fun dancing together.

I am having a difficult time typing all of the letters, so I better quit and go to bed. I had fun, i haven't been dancing for ages.

Thursday, October 12, 2006


I write this post from inside a tent made up of my down comforter on my bed.

It's coooold. It's 40 degrees outside and 62 degrees indoors. It will be warmer once the landlord has the radiators on full heat, puts in the storm windows, and I can put plastic sheeting on the windows.

What pisses me off is for some reason I feel like the cold apartment is my fault for putting up with it I guess. My roommate has said twice "I can't live like this." I agree, it's too cold, and I know it will get better, but it is always too cold in this house, except in the summer when it is too hot. But it is also really inexpensive in a really nice area in the city, so I feel like I should just deal with it, as much as I dislike it too.

I am worried Charles is going to feel the same way about this place. Why do I take it so personally? Why do people have to love the apartment as much as I do? I told her to wait until the storm windows are in and the plastic is up to make a decision, but I don't think the apartment gets THAT much better, I know I get annoyed by the heat and cold. But I am exceptionally good at putting up with unpleasantness. Is it learned helplessness from my adolecence with my alcoholic father? Could be.

It has not been a great day. I slept most of it, and ate the equivelent of 8 cookies worth of cookie dough. I am assuming it is leftover results of not having enough risperdal this week, and also feeling overwhelmed by projects I need to get done (not that many really) Maybe it's harder to get stuff done when I am freezing cold.

I am getting to bed earlier tonight, hopefuly tomorrow will be better

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Happy Night :)

No, I did not have adequate Risperdal for the last three days, my body was aching like crazy and my crankiness had become the punchline of a joke (the crew kept adding "fucking" to everything they said, it was rally funny, even if it doesn't translate to the page.)

But I took the bus home, heard some street preacher while I sat for 20 minutes to transfer busses, but then when I got to Carrie's house, I was welcomed by the dome light of my car, I had clicked the unlock button from 3 houses away :)

I went to Carrie's house for awhile, Carrie, her husband, and I watched TV and ate popcorn, and after a few hours I went home...in my CAR! The whole way home I danced and sang the "I'm driving in my car" song. It goes... "I'm driving in my car, I'm not taking the bus, I'm driving in my car, that I own, yeeeeah!" It was a great song. At the stoplights I bopped my head around to an awesome pop song, and when I got home, there was a parking spot waiting for me in the back for me :) :) :)

Now I am home, I got to see my friend, minus the feeling of being a drain (having her drive me whenever I see her) and am cozy in my pyjamas in my house :) And tomorrow it is going to snow, but if I need to go anywhere I can just drive there, I wont have to wait for the bus in the cold :)

I am happy :)

Monday, October 09, 2006

Life without risperdal

SO unsafe, but I have had only half doses of the Risperdal for the last two days. I sort my daily medications and vitamins in those M-F sorters, and I discovered I only had one Risperdal for the week! I split it in half, had half last night and half the night before, and tonight I will have none!

I don't think I am going to have seizures or anything, but I can definately feel the difference! It could be withdrawl that I feel, but I can really remember what it was like before I started Risperdal. Suffering through this trip makes me feel so much compassion for myself...no wonder I could accomplish so little- no wonder the job was so taxing...just existing was so tiring!

I hope I survive tomorrow okay. I will use this experience to appreciate my medications and what they do for me. I had this experience once with my lexapro, and I really missed it too. I feel so fortunate to have found these.

Friday, October 06, 2006

How Tera has changed me

Tonight my college friend Jane came to town. I baked a GEORGEOUS cake for her 1 year old (I should post a pic of it, it was great) and bought some books for her on behalf of myself and Carrie, our college friend. I should be writing about that experience, but instead I will write about the waitress who put a damper on my terrific mood tonight.

We went to one bar and ordered nachos and two drinks to cover the 3 of us. It was early in the evening and I am sure the waitress would have prefered that we had ordered dinner but she was friendly to us and didn't show it.

We then went to a sort of trendy bar/restaurant, we weren't dressed very fashionably, but we were excited to take Jane here so she could try the Sangria. We stood waiting for probably 40 minutes, there was no room in the bar area (I actually had to shove past an icky long haired man in a sportcoat, becuase he wouldn't move when I gently tapped him on the back.) But we finally got a table around 9:15PM.

The waitress seemed really nice, we liked her. We ordered a pitcher of Sangria right away, and tried to decide what we wanted. We could only come up with one thing, an enchilada, so we asked for her to put that in until we could decide on more. When she came back to the table, maybe when we were half finished with the enchilada she asked if we were ready to put something else in. We declined and asked for a dessert menu. The moment we said we didn't want more to eat the snottiest look crossed her face, Jane said she actually rolled her eyes. When we declined dessert and asked for the check she snatched up half of the menus and stomped away like a toddler having a temper tantrum.

Mind you, I waitressed for nearly 10 years. I ALWAYS over tip. But I wasn't having it. Since being treated like I was by Tera, I don't even want to be mistaken for a pushover anymore...I just can't stand being mistreated. At first I suggested stiffing her. But then I said "Stiffing her says I'm a cheap bastard, 10% says she sucks" Not only did we tip 10%, I made a point to calculate 10% on the bill so she knew it wasn't a mistake.

She came to pick up the bill before we had even left, in fact it was probably 5 minutes after we got the check (Jane pointed out that she didn't even ask us if we were ready, she just came and picked it up) When she got to the table I started silently cracking up laughing, my face was blocked by Jane so it wasn't like I was laughing in her face. Carrie said her jaw literally dropped when she saw it. Then, when she got to the computer she turned around and looked at us, at this point I am sure she saw me laughing, and swiped her card angrily through the machine.

This isn't the way I used to be. I used to not believe in getting angry, but to feel compassion instead. I suppose she could have been having a bad day but I had been having a great day, and her snotty look when we had done NOTHING inconsiderate (for the love of god- its 9 PM on Friday night...dinner is over sweetie!) the look put a damper on a very pleasant evening. To give the meanness right back to her felt great-and thats just not the way I have ever been. And it's not like giving 10% is being mean anyway. In our state waitstaff gets minimum wage, tips are on top of it. "TIPS" stands for "To Insure Proper Service" and so why reward her "you didn't order enough" look with extra money? I make half of what she does, and I am still nice to everyone, I may get impatient, but I make an effort to stay nice.

Now that I write this I feel a little bad. Not for the tip, but for laughing at her. Did she deserve it? Hell yeah. Does that mean I should have done it? No. Two wrongs don't make a right.

In the end I think the lesson is to just treat people well. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't practiced in trendy fusion restaurants, and maybe I don't want to be places like that anymore. I really liked that place, but now I feel really unwelcome there. I really feel for black people and immigrants who I know (from observing my waitstaff co-workers) go through this all the time. People should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without being judged and prejudged by the people who supposedly make their living in service.

One upside of the night...I drank 3 drinks and feel anything but inebriated. But I still left my car at Carrie's house instead of driving home, because I am still out of practice driving. I am really proud of myself for my restraint.

Wishing you kind treatment...goodnight

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I bought a car

Yup, I got one.

I don't feel exceedingly happy about it, I feel tense instead. I think that is okay. I think it is a sign that I recognize that having a car is a responsibility (something I didn't recognize when I was younger) so I know I will be careful.

I am TIRED. This car buying process was a nightmare for me, so I am glad it's over. And I hope it is over, what if something is wrong with it, could be, so I am not willing to get excited yet for that reason either.


Sunday, October 01, 2006

Terrorist Video

I am more creeped out than ever by seeing this video of Mohammad Atta and another terrorist sitting and smiling.

Most photos and videos we see fit into the mindset that the people who commit terrorist acts are brainwashed nutjobs. On the video they lacked goony and menacing expressions, minus the funny beards they looked like anyone you would see in the United States.