My trip to Baltimore consisted of two parts. The first part, family time, and the second part 60 yr old man time.
I learned that my aunt and uncle are seperated. They had some problems before so I wasn't surprised, but it seems so unneccesary to me. They were married 30 years, so I don't want to judge. My uncle, very maturely, said "who says a marriage has to last forever to be a success? We had 30 years together, we grew alot, we raised 2 great kids, I say it was a success" All that matters to me is my aunt remains my aunt, and that no-one gets unneccesarily hurt.
Spending time with my cousin was great, we laughed alot, and found a flattering bridesmaid dress (although I am angry to learn I am size 18!) It was great bonding with all of them, I look forward to seeing them again soon.
The second half of the trip was my time with 60 year old, who it turns out is 64. It was such an interesting experience, though there is a little after-effects that I didn't expect.
He picked me up at my aunt's house, and he was wearing awful dark glasses that made him look creepy. I think he thought they would make him look younger, but instead they made him look like an old man who can't be trusted. I could tell my aunt was not impressed.
We got lost searching for the hotel. Then it took us a long time to get to the inner harbor, it was after 2 and we hadn't eaten yet. We stopped at a sushi place and then headed to the baltimore aquarium. The aquarium wasn't as great as I remember it being, but I think that's partially because I was so tense from my aunt seeing him, getting lost, being late, and people looking at us, wondering what we were about (he is a 64 year old Chinese man, there is no way he could pass as a dad.) I will say though, the octupus was awake and active, so that was worth the price of the ticket right there. We left before seeing the dolphins or Australian exhibit. I do regret that I guess, but I was just tired and overstimulated from the week.
We got on the wrong train, so we had to get off at another stop. He suggested getting a beer while we waited for a cab, I hated the idea, but there was a restaurant, and once we arrived, everything was calm.
The place was completely empty, and it was small so you could hear the rap music coming from the back room. We ordered a bottle of wine, but the guys were fumbling around with it for what seemed like 20 minutes. The food was good, and the wine helped. You could tell the guys in the back were very intrigued with our arrangement.
We took a cab back to the hotel, and the cab driver was even more intrigued. He even said "your a nice couple" which was funny to me. We got in the hotel room and started kissing immediately. He is a very nice kisser, and his mouth tasted the way raw pumpkins smell.
The sex was really great, some of the best ever. And one thing I want to say is, any feelings that a 64 year old is not sexy, because he or she has wrinkly skin, is self-hating. We will all have wrinkled skin one day, and it didn't look or feel bad, it just felt a little softer & looser than my skin. A sixty year old person is still a sexual person, they are just like they were when they were young, just with more life experience, and more aches and pains.
In fact, in the hotel room, we could fall in love. We were really in touch with each other, and it was really relaxing and fun. The only problem is the after effects. You shouldn't get an emotional attachment to someone that you could never have a normal future with.
I know I felt a little lonely the next day, and he said he was more fond of me than he expected. He suggested us taking a vacation to mexico or something, and I think that is a nice idea, but I don't want one of us to fall in love, because it can't end well.
And yes, I am including myself in that category of not wanting to fall in love. Even if he was 30 years old he is still catholic and republican, but I enjoyed him. He is very cute, though I dont think we have enough in common to have a real relationship.
I know now he is having a lot of catholic guilt, on my behalf as well. He thinks that my sexual history is bad, and though I would make different choices if I lived my life over, I am not ashamed of anything I have done, except when someone's feelings were hurt. I think his feelings are coming from a good place, a protective place.
So I had my older man fantasy, and although it wasn't exactly what I had in my head, it taught me alot. One thing it taught me is that I have a long sexual life ahead of me, and that makes me very happy. I also felt very beautiful, extremely beautiful, even with my chubby body and pale skin. I think feeling beautiful is the core of this fantasy, and it worked. Too bad I feel too stuffed up and tired to bask in the afterglow.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Monday, November 05, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
What would my mother think???
She would be shocked! She would say "This isn't what I raised my little girl to be!" She would wonder what she did wrong...why would her baby girl do this to herself?...to be a...HOUSEWIFE?!?!?
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Well at least I got out of the house
I got a random call from my cousin tonight asking to crash at my house. I didn't want to bother my roommate while we caught up so I suggested a coffee shop or bar, and leaned towards a bar because of last night and the extrememly boring day I had today.
It was fun, my cousin and I had a real bond a few years ago, so it was fun to catch up. It was also fun to be drinking, and out of the house. I really need to go out more I have decided (having unmarried friends is a great start to having that)
The downside of the evening was being out with a man close to my age, no men would approach me. I think I saw one guy look at me, but thats the most play I could get. My ego needs a boy right now. I think I might be ready to start dating again, or at least to get out, drinking and being seen.
Its funny that I ended a friendship with my neighbor, who drinks too much, because he drinks too much, when what I want is to go out drinking more. But going out with him seems pointless, because our conversations are boring, and sex with him is weird, so I am going out with a man, meaning I wont meet any men, and I cant even have sex at the end of the night, that's just not fun.
I want to go out again soon. My life is so boring I cant believe it. I am un-depressed, but have the depressed habits, I need to change my habits before I become depressed again.
It was fun, my cousin and I had a real bond a few years ago, so it was fun to catch up. It was also fun to be drinking, and out of the house. I really need to go out more I have decided (having unmarried friends is a great start to having that)
The downside of the evening was being out with a man close to my age, no men would approach me. I think I saw one guy look at me, but thats the most play I could get. My ego needs a boy right now. I think I might be ready to start dating again, or at least to get out, drinking and being seen.
Its funny that I ended a friendship with my neighbor, who drinks too much, because he drinks too much, when what I want is to go out drinking more. But going out with him seems pointless, because our conversations are boring, and sex with him is weird, so I am going out with a man, meaning I wont meet any men, and I cant even have sex at the end of the night, that's just not fun.
I want to go out again soon. My life is so boring I cant believe it. I am un-depressed, but have the depressed habits, I need to change my habits before I become depressed again.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Dwelling
So I'm miserable, so the tinyest tasks seem like moving mountains, that is all very unfortunate, but I am making it worse by the way I dwell on it.
I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?
When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.
Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.
So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)
I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.
I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.
I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.
I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.
I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?
When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.
Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.
So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)
I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.
I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.
I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.
I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Got Milk?
Well I have a doctor's appointment, and got to speak with a triage nurse on the phone today. She told me I probably do not need to be concerned, it is likely a reaction to the vaccinations. Phew!
I was quite worried. More worried about losing the risperdal than of having a brain tumor. If I had a brain tumor and anxiety medication, I could keep things in perspective and have the strength to go through whatever I need to. If I didn't have anxiety medication or a brain tumor, I would still be as stressed if I did have a brain tumor.
The risperdal, like the ativan I had in 2001, is like a lifeline. I am normal all of a sudden (well, I wouldn't go that far) I am able to function in society, I'll say that. To take away the risperdal would be taking away flying for mainline, falling in love, so much. I feel like I can be myself when my anxiety is managed, I am just so preoccupied with rediculous things when it isn't.
If this milk thing isn't something to worry about than I must say it is so cool. Seeing milk come out of my breasts just made me feel like a goddess. I could FEED A HUMAN BEING! It is such an amazing miracle. Like watching the mice I bred to feed my snake reproduce, but better ;) While I was serching online I learned that when a baby is born the mother produces colostrum, which is full of immune boosters, then as the baby starts suckling the body produces milk! Oh my god I am more in love with my children- how could that be? I pray I am fertile. I will give up my anti-depressants and risperdal for pregnancy in a heartbeat (a well thought out heartbeat with a lot of medical and personal support of course) I can't BELIEVE what a miracle creating a new life is! (here's what will happen- I will find out I am actually pregnant- THEN lets see what a miracle I think pregnancy is! Hee hee)
I will keep you up to date!
I was quite worried. More worried about losing the risperdal than of having a brain tumor. If I had a brain tumor and anxiety medication, I could keep things in perspective and have the strength to go through whatever I need to. If I didn't have anxiety medication or a brain tumor, I would still be as stressed if I did have a brain tumor.
The risperdal, like the ativan I had in 2001, is like a lifeline. I am normal all of a sudden (well, I wouldn't go that far) I am able to function in society, I'll say that. To take away the risperdal would be taking away flying for mainline, falling in love, so much. I feel like I can be myself when my anxiety is managed, I am just so preoccupied with rediculous things when it isn't.
If this milk thing isn't something to worry about than I must say it is so cool. Seeing milk come out of my breasts just made me feel like a goddess. I could FEED A HUMAN BEING! It is such an amazing miracle. Like watching the mice I bred to feed my snake reproduce, but better ;) While I was serching online I learned that when a baby is born the mother produces colostrum, which is full of immune boosters, then as the baby starts suckling the body produces milk! Oh my god I am more in love with my children- how could that be? I pray I am fertile. I will give up my anti-depressants and risperdal for pregnancy in a heartbeat (a well thought out heartbeat with a lot of medical and personal support of course) I can't BELIEVE what a miracle creating a new life is! (here's what will happen- I will find out I am actually pregnant- THEN lets see what a miracle I think pregnancy is! Hee hee)
I will keep you up to date!
I'm Lactating
It’s like the universe is playing a trick on me. I start lactating and then the internet won’t connect so I can look online to find out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Yeah…Lactating, like milk is coming out of my breasts. My breasts are producing milk. I cannot fucking believe it.
I’m assuming it must have something to do with the vaccinations I got, it must have thrown my hormones out of whack. OH MY GOD THERE IS MILK COMING FROM MY BREASTS!
I wondered if I could be pregnant, but I have not been having enough sex to get pregnant. The only sexual experience I have had recently was with my neighbor, plus some underwear on dry humping with Ashram. Oh, and of course there is immaculate conception. Anyway, does a person lactate while they are pregnant, or only after they have given birth?
It’s my biological clock ticking a little louder. Its saying “See how cool this is? You can feed a baby with these, NOW HURRY UP AND GET KNOCKED UP!”
This is unbelievably cool, although I really maybe should be concerned that something weird is going on with my body. I guess I would be more concerned if I could actually read about it online, but I cant get it to hook up. (I am writing this on the word processor) This could not be a worse time for the internet to go away.
Here is what I am hoping is happening…I am hoping that this will continue, and that I will have to start pumping them. That means I would lose weight, lots of weight! And I wouldn’t be worn down by a baby, I could actually enjoy my skinniness.
Maybe I can pump the milk and give it to moms with HIV (I can’t though, I am taking all this medication)
This is so fucking weird. I hope it’s nothing to be worried about.
UPDATE
I went to the lobby because I couldn’t stand it anymore. The internet said that breast milk production could be caused by a pituitary tumor, and then, when I looked up “Breastmilk production, risperdal” It said risperdal was linked to pituitary tumors. So great! I might have a brain tumor! Want to know something weird? I feel no anxiety right now. No anxiety about being pregnant, and no anxiety about having a brain tumor. Why am I, a person with generalized anxiety disorder, not feeling anxiety right now? Maybe it’s because I am keeping my cool until I know whats going on.
How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight? How the hell am I supposed to work this trip? This is beyond weird. I wish so much the internet said this was normal.
FURTHER UPDATE
It may not be a tumor, it could just be a side effect of risperdal. Oh great, now I am going to have to go off the risperdal. The upside is I might lose some of my weight since risperdal slows the metabolism, but still, generalized anxiety disorder is SO ANNOYING! Its like having a record player playing in your head, so you cant think about anything else, only these repeating obsessive thoughts. The one that always goes through my head is that people dislike me. OH MY GOD THAT SUCKS! I cant even read books when I am anxious like that.
To add to the comedy, I didn't pack my medication, so I have 2 nights without either medication. Fortunately I have a very light day tomorrow.
I was stressed on the plane thinking about having no money while starting on mainline, I don't know if I could survive without money OR anxiety quelling medication!
Yeah…Lactating, like milk is coming out of my breasts. My breasts are producing milk. I cannot fucking believe it.
I’m assuming it must have something to do with the vaccinations I got, it must have thrown my hormones out of whack. OH MY GOD THERE IS MILK COMING FROM MY BREASTS!
I wondered if I could be pregnant, but I have not been having enough sex to get pregnant. The only sexual experience I have had recently was with my neighbor, plus some underwear on dry humping with Ashram. Oh, and of course there is immaculate conception. Anyway, does a person lactate while they are pregnant, or only after they have given birth?
It’s my biological clock ticking a little louder. Its saying “See how cool this is? You can feed a baby with these, NOW HURRY UP AND GET KNOCKED UP!”
This is unbelievably cool, although I really maybe should be concerned that something weird is going on with my body. I guess I would be more concerned if I could actually read about it online, but I cant get it to hook up. (I am writing this on the word processor) This could not be a worse time for the internet to go away.
Here is what I am hoping is happening…I am hoping that this will continue, and that I will have to start pumping them. That means I would lose weight, lots of weight! And I wouldn’t be worn down by a baby, I could actually enjoy my skinniness.
Maybe I can pump the milk and give it to moms with HIV (I can’t though, I am taking all this medication)
This is so fucking weird. I hope it’s nothing to be worried about.
UPDATE
I went to the lobby because I couldn’t stand it anymore. The internet said that breast milk production could be caused by a pituitary tumor, and then, when I looked up “Breastmilk production, risperdal” It said risperdal was linked to pituitary tumors. So great! I might have a brain tumor! Want to know something weird? I feel no anxiety right now. No anxiety about being pregnant, and no anxiety about having a brain tumor. Why am I, a person with generalized anxiety disorder, not feeling anxiety right now? Maybe it’s because I am keeping my cool until I know whats going on.
How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight? How the hell am I supposed to work this trip? This is beyond weird. I wish so much the internet said this was normal.
FURTHER UPDATE
It may not be a tumor, it could just be a side effect of risperdal. Oh great, now I am going to have to go off the risperdal. The upside is I might lose some of my weight since risperdal slows the metabolism, but still, generalized anxiety disorder is SO ANNOYING! Its like having a record player playing in your head, so you cant think about anything else, only these repeating obsessive thoughts. The one that always goes through my head is that people dislike me. OH MY GOD THAT SUCKS! I cant even read books when I am anxious like that.
To add to the comedy, I didn't pack my medication, so I have 2 nights without either medication. Fortunately I have a very light day tomorrow.
I was stressed on the plane thinking about having no money while starting on mainline, I don't know if I could survive without money OR anxiety quelling medication!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
...And the BIIIIIIIIIIIIG news is...
I applied at Mainline!
You heard me! I am going to apply and interview, I am not certian I will work there, but I have decided to go this far, and make my decision after I am (hopefully) offered the job.
If I had my druthers I would stay where I am and just get paid more. Mainline F/A's are SO CRABBY and I will have to work with them, when I would rather work alone. I will have to put up with cliqueiness, but I think I am ready to handle that.
There were two deciding factors, the big one is they are hiring like 1000 people, so the sooner I get in the more senority I will have, and I can be based where I live (I would never have the courage to take a pay cut & have to switch bases.)
The second deciding factor is I am SOFA KING tired of being SOFA KING poor! I can't afford a condo, I can't afford to have kids, and if I stay where I am I am going to end up 50 in the same financial place. I can survive being poor now, but I want something to show for my life's work when I get older.
Will I get the job? Well Lorraine got hired there! BWAH HA HA HA HA
You heard me! I am going to apply and interview, I am not certian I will work there, but I have decided to go this far, and make my decision after I am (hopefully) offered the job.
If I had my druthers I would stay where I am and just get paid more. Mainline F/A's are SO CRABBY and I will have to work with them, when I would rather work alone. I will have to put up with cliqueiness, but I think I am ready to handle that.
There were two deciding factors, the big one is they are hiring like 1000 people, so the sooner I get in the more senority I will have, and I can be based where I live (I would never have the courage to take a pay cut & have to switch bases.)
The second deciding factor is I am SOFA KING tired of being SOFA KING poor! I can't afford a condo, I can't afford to have kids, and if I stay where I am I am going to end up 50 in the same financial place. I can survive being poor now, but I want something to show for my life's work when I get older.
Will I get the job? Well Lorraine got hired there! BWAH HA HA HA HA
Friday, April 27, 2007
Just an ordinary week
This week I...
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Sunday, April 08, 2007
I feel really whole
Visiting my mom's side of the family really replenishes me, really recharges my batteries. I know not everyone can say that about their families. I feel very fortunate.
Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.
I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.
I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.
I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.
I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.
And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.
Yay
Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.
I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.
I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.
I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.
I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.
And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.
Yay
Friday, April 06, 2007
What is going on with my head?
I will start with my nightmare, it was so horrible. I dreamt that there was a delay, and so I left the plane to hang out in a gazebo, and then while sitting in the gazebo I realized that I am never supposed to leave the plane while a passenger is on so I tried to run back to the plane before anyone noticed I left. Then I couldn't find the plane for the life of me, and I ran into the union president, and she just shook her head and said "man that's bad, wish there was something I could do for you." My job was completely gone, and I was devestated. It really drilled in the point how much I love my job.
But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.
Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!
Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.
Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)
Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?
But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.
But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.
I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?
At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.
Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.
I don't want to think about it anymore right now.
But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.
Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!
Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.
Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)
Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?
But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.
But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.
I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?
At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.
Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.
I don't want to think about it anymore right now.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Only a virus
I went to the doctor- get this it's only a freaking cold! Well yesterday I had a fever so cold THIS! I think I am the only person in the world who wishes that they could be sicker, but when I am knocked on my ass, I at least want to hear I have Tuberculosis or something so I am not some fucking woos! Poor baby, she has a cold.
In all honesty, times like these are when having a mental illness really affect my life. If someone were to say "poor baby, you have a cold" they would be under the assumption that without a cold I am well. The truth is, my life has a constant baseline of not feeling well, its like having a cold ALL THE TIME. I have good days, but most days I have to lift myself out of bed and propell myself forward, thinking the whole time "just keep going, keep going" Adding a cold to this is just too much. Actually I think I am being dramatic. I wasn't able to get going thursday so I checked my temperature and saw that indeed I am sick, otherwise I would have gone to work, I may have returned home, but I would have still gone. I am going back sunday, crappy-feeling or not.
I am realizing something. As much as I wish to will myself out of these health issues my damn body isnt allowing it. I pushed myself too far this month, I was too social and I didn't allow myself enough days off. What frustrates me is I had such a wonderful day the other day. I felt so average. And when I am average, it makes me above average, because I have all of the wisdom and gratitude that I have earned from my years of pain. It was such a good day (couple of days) I saw my family, went shopping, dyed my hair, the day after I got back I went to work, had breakfast with an awesome F/A, went to lunch with my mentor and her fabulous friends, went to class and went to work at the end of the day. It was an awesome day, problem is, when I fill my days so full like this I feel pressure to maintain momentum, and I shut down. It is such a fantasy to me to be that energetic all the time (or howabout 1/4th of the time!) I could get so much done! AHHHHH I cant wait to start therapy!
Heres a great thing. I used to be so ambitious. I know its in me. I have a drive that I can get/do whtever I want (well, within my body's permission!) When I remember that drive, I am excited, because I feel that drive in context of my health, and I think I am going to get alot accomplished. My dream used to be to be a campaign manager, or a published physical therapist....now its to be healthy! My life is already so fucking awesome, if I was healthy I could enjoy it, that would be so great, its really something to look forward to.
The fact that I am able to sit upright and type is a good sign. It just goes to show the power of the placebo. I saw that I had a fever, and I couldn't move. I will say one thing to prove I am DEFINATELY SICK! (in the body or head...that is the question!) This morning the nurse told me that she had a 10:00 appointment available AWESOME! I said to myself "I am going to be extra early, I am going to show up at 10:30" I looked at the bus schedule and everything. I didnt realize this faux-pas until I was walking to the bus stop! Now I am an air-head, but not that bad! So good thing I was not on a plane right now. A terrorist could come up to me and say "Let me in the flight deck door" and I would have called the captian and been like "A terrorist wants to get into the flight deck, thats not allowed, right?" I am kidding OF COURSE! But I can see myself making a stupid mistake and causing a delay, or making the company look bad (look worse.) If I am in a state like that, I am not going to be on top of things enough in an emergency. Besides, people just hate it when you sneeze in their diet sierra mist.
Come to think of it...having a cold is going to serve me pretty fucking well! I can get things done, but have an excuse to rest. I can see my girlfriends (& go shopping for a wedding dress YAY) but still go back to work, and I have a cute little doctors note to show that I am sick, but I came back anyway... what a MODEL employee!
In all honesty, times like these are when having a mental illness really affect my life. If someone were to say "poor baby, you have a cold" they would be under the assumption that without a cold I am well. The truth is, my life has a constant baseline of not feeling well, its like having a cold ALL THE TIME. I have good days, but most days I have to lift myself out of bed and propell myself forward, thinking the whole time "just keep going, keep going" Adding a cold to this is just too much. Actually I think I am being dramatic. I wasn't able to get going thursday so I checked my temperature and saw that indeed I am sick, otherwise I would have gone to work, I may have returned home, but I would have still gone. I am going back sunday, crappy-feeling or not.
I am realizing something. As much as I wish to will myself out of these health issues my damn body isnt allowing it. I pushed myself too far this month, I was too social and I didn't allow myself enough days off. What frustrates me is I had such a wonderful day the other day. I felt so average. And when I am average, it makes me above average, because I have all of the wisdom and gratitude that I have earned from my years of pain. It was such a good day (couple of days) I saw my family, went shopping, dyed my hair, the day after I got back I went to work, had breakfast with an awesome F/A, went to lunch with my mentor and her fabulous friends, went to class and went to work at the end of the day. It was an awesome day, problem is, when I fill my days so full like this I feel pressure to maintain momentum, and I shut down. It is such a fantasy to me to be that energetic all the time (or howabout 1/4th of the time!) I could get so much done! AHHHHH I cant wait to start therapy!
Heres a great thing. I used to be so ambitious. I know its in me. I have a drive that I can get/do whtever I want (well, within my body's permission!) When I remember that drive, I am excited, because I feel that drive in context of my health, and I think I am going to get alot accomplished. My dream used to be to be a campaign manager, or a published physical therapist....now its to be healthy! My life is already so fucking awesome, if I was healthy I could enjoy it, that would be so great, its really something to look forward to.
The fact that I am able to sit upright and type is a good sign. It just goes to show the power of the placebo. I saw that I had a fever, and I couldn't move. I will say one thing to prove I am DEFINATELY SICK! (in the body or head...that is the question!) This morning the nurse told me that she had a 10:00 appointment available AWESOME! I said to myself "I am going to be extra early, I am going to show up at 10:30" I looked at the bus schedule and everything. I didnt realize this faux-pas until I was walking to the bus stop! Now I am an air-head, but not that bad! So good thing I was not on a plane right now. A terrorist could come up to me and say "Let me in the flight deck door" and I would have called the captian and been like "A terrorist wants to get into the flight deck, thats not allowed, right?" I am kidding OF COURSE! But I can see myself making a stupid mistake and causing a delay, or making the company look bad (look worse.) If I am in a state like that, I am not going to be on top of things enough in an emergency. Besides, people just hate it when you sneeze in their diet sierra mist.
Come to think of it...having a cold is going to serve me pretty fucking well! I can get things done, but have an excuse to rest. I can see my girlfriends (& go shopping for a wedding dress YAY) but still go back to work, and I have a cute little doctors note to show that I am sick, but I came back anyway... what a MODEL employee!
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