I feel bad about myself right now

Ashram makes me feel bad about myself. I feel very anxious and upset right now, more than I have felt in a long time. I need to deep breathe and make this anxiety go away.

I was supposed to meet up with Ashram today or tomorrow, and so I was talking on the phone to him about it. I told him I forgot that we were getting together, so I ate dinner already. He asked what I ate and I told him I made a spaghetti sauce with lots of vegetables. He said "oh you are taking care of yourself now. You used to eat meat and tacos and now you are eating vegetables" Well first of all, I love vegetables, always have. And back when I hung out with him I was taking much better care of my health than I am now.

This isn't the first time he has made me feel bad. He seems to do it a lot. I guess I just let him back into my life because I didn't really care that much about him (probably because he makes me feel bad) and I just sort of kept him around because he was someone to kiss, and to distract me from missing Charles.

After he said that I said "Geez, you really know how to make a girl feel bad about herself" and he was obviously sorry, but the damage is done (and if it was the first time he hurt my feelings it would be forgiveable) After that he did not want me to get off the phone with him until I wasn't mad anymore, and so of course I just got more and more mad. I hung up on him, and then he called back and hung up on me. Now I have my phone turned off. I am not a person who hangs up on people, by the way.

I am dealing a little better now, but I guess me saying I don't care what he thinks is untrue. I care enough that I am very hurt. VERY hurt. The other time he did this I had pressed him to say he thinks I am pretty. Not because I am a person who needs to hear it, but because I knew he didn't, and I needed to confront him. He not only couldn't say he thinks I am pretty, he said "that shouldn't matter."

I know I am not ugly. I think I am fat, but many people think I am attractive, so there is no reason for me to kiss someone who doesnt. In fact, I think he thinks I am attractive, he just isnt willing to give me the power of complimenting me. He wants me to be insecure so I will think I have less options, and therefore want him more. If this sounds familiar to anyone, you are dealing with a future abuser.

I feel better, but less happy than I was feeling. I will send him an e-mail saying "I dont want to hang out anymore" and be done with him. Why an e-mail? I dont want any phone messages from him, and I want him to know exactly why I don't want to be friends, so he has the ability to change it if he wants to for the next person.

What a jerk!

Another exausting conversation with Ashram

I spoke to Ashram a few minutes ago. He was "giving me advice to help me in the future" that I shouldn't have kicked him when he was down by saying I just wanted to be friends when he just quit his job etc. In his opinion I should have told him I had a migrane if he wanted to kiss, and then tell him later.

A couple of things...the whole "tell him I have a migrane" wouldn't work. I did not want to kiss the last time I saw him, and he kept kissing me. I told him "I am tired and stressed about the training tomorrow" and he persisted. So I went down on him, did not enjoy it, and he finally left me alone. I was certianly not doing that again, so I told him two days later that I wanted to be friends.

Fortunately I am solid enough in my thinking, and confident enough to say "I have done nothing wrong" and believe it. This is what I am talking about when I say I could have been scammed by a cult or get in an abusive relationship. I could have taken him at his word, and truly believed I was a mean person for breaking it off when I did. Only two years ago I would have been believeing that.

Poor Ashram. He has had one girlfriend ever and is just so innocent of all of this. If relationships arent complex enough, try it interculturally and then add a lack of experience to it. It is like we are from completely different planets. I am so glad that I am confident in my choices, and cant be told that I have done something horrible.