Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Crew Drama Update

I don't hate the F/O mentioned in the previous post anymore.

That night, after I wrote the post, the captain of this trip came in the computer room and we chatted. He talked me down. He said I had been shit on, and that it was really low what happened. For some reason I felt better hearing this from him, someone who had nothing to do with it, than from the other 20 pilots who said the same thing. Another thing that calmed me down is the fact that the F/O who was involved lives in New Orleans. What he is going through, it just puts a stupid incident in perspective.

It's been a weird trip. The captian either has a thing for me or a thing against me; I have gone from DESPISING the F/O to feeling for him; and I have drank THREE TIMES this week! (long overnights + peer pressure = drinking too much) I also have eaten a lot of bad food.

I am going to be glad to get home, I am going to have 4 days off and then I will start my new schedule. All September I will work the last flight of the night and the first flight of the day, so I can bike to and from work :) When I bike regularly I am the happiest person in the world : )

mood: not bad

Sunday, August 28, 2005

I thought this shit was over

Dear Professional Standards and Fligt Operations Management,

About 2 months ago on the morning of XX/XX the van was to leave at 8:OOAM. I arrived at the lobby to watch the van drive away. I ran outside hoping I could flag it down, but it left. I went back in the building, still in shock, and checked my watch...it was 8:02. I checked with the woman at the counter, my watch was right. I had been left at the hotel, my crew did not tell the driver a crew member was missing, they did not call my room.

I assumed the best. I assumed they had made a mistake. I felt that I should take accountability for my one minute tardiness, even though a delayed flight did not fit the crime of being one minute late.

That day I chatted with a pilot in the crew lounge, it turns out he was in the van. Not only did they not mention I was not there, they knew I was not there, one of them had said "it's not the first time." I was having a bad week. I arrived to 2 of my flights at the last minute, not early, with plenty of time as is preferred. The captian did not approach me about this issue. Instead of directly telling me to please arrive earlier than the last minute they decided to indirectly "tell me" by leaving me at the hotel.

What makes this worse than having bad communication skills is I could have been hurt. We were at the hotel in Detroit, not a great neighborhood, and they knew (since I invited them) I was going to the Big Boy resturaunt the night prior, so had I been hurt on the way there or back was completely ignored as well.

The next trip, when I flew with them again, the captain approached me with what amounted to "I am sorry that I had to leave you at the hotel" while the apoligetic sentiment was nice, he still felt completely justified that he left without calling my room.

I considered calling professional standards (I didnt want to call flight operations, even though the captain didn't care about getting me in trouble, I didn't want revenge, I just wanted them to stop thinking its justified to leave crew members without first checking that they are okay) I decided to just let it go, I didnt want a reputation as a complainer. I didn't want any ill will, I just wanted to forget it happened.

Tonight I said, very kindly to the F/O, that I knew it wasnt his fault, but call if I am a minute late call my room, dont leave me. He, just like the captian, defended what they did.

It is apparent to me that they both still believe it is okay to leave a crewmember without checking first. I have asked many people, all agreed but a few who said they had left crewmembers before, but the difference in those cases is they had called first.

Dear professional standards and flight operations, is this something I should persue? Should I tell you their names?

mood: so pissed I cant imagine sleeping!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Short Post

My temporary roommate has moved in, she is lovely. It feels like fresh air has been brought into the apartment, she is very positive and outgoing. She showed interest in one of my favorite movies, Hedwig and the Angry inch, and she suggested getting a movie tonight and so we watched this one.

I haven't watched Hedwig for at least a year,

(approx 12:30AM)...I intended to write a post, but instead she and I had an enjoyable two hour conversation :)

I am so resistant to making new friends, yet, in the last few months I have made some really cool ones, and it looks like I may make another. I count myself lucky, and I hope I am successful in keeping myself together so I have the ability to be a good friend to all of my friends, new and old.

mood: calm, lucky, PROUD! (that I am learning to be myself!)

BTW...this woman complimented my APPEARANCE twice today! I must have looked like a snowman in July I was so happy. (she said she liked my eye-makeup techniques and then later in the day said I had a "classic" beauty- in the most sincere, unsolicited way!)

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Warm & Fuzzy

I had an hour long conversation with my dad tonight.

We bonded, and not just on hating George Bush. We talked about lots of things, art, a mutual aquaintence, even mental health. We did not argue a bit, we debated a few things, but neither of us got defensive at all, we really heard each other and my dad even admited he changed his mind (not a strong point of his, he will usually defend a statement to rediculous extremes, just to be right)

I have been very irritable and victimy these last 6 days, but after having talked to him, that hole, that feeling of being abandoned, was filled.

I was going to write "I even felt that I was too hard on him when I was an adolecent" but my body tensed up as I imagined writing those words. He was passed out drunk during those days, I WAS alone and I WAS abandoned, so calling him on that was very justified at the time. Punching him? Maybe not, but at that point I was so desperate, I just wanted him to notice me, I wanted the world to notice me. If he hit me back I could get put in foster care or emancipated. I can't feel like I did anything "wrong" at the time- I was a traumitized kid who had spent years trying EVERYTHING to get her father back. I had not had a parent for 4 years. By this point, when it came to my dad I was (melodramatically put) feral.

I can comfortably say that the hate is fading away, after tonight I could almost say I don't hate him at all, but I still have that part of me that doesn't trust that this will last, that he is going to quit taking medication and/or start drinking again like he has so many times before. The love of course was always there, but it is nice for it to be the primary feeling when I talk to him.

Maybe this annoying anger that wont go away is about him. Maybe it's about the fact that I was always good, boy was I good, and yet I was abandoned by so many people (my mom and grandmother by dying, my stepmother by leaving, my dad by drinking himself to incapacitation, and my family for not removing me.) If my dad keeps taking care of his health, and I keep taking care of my health, maybe that sense of abandonment will
fade. Yes, I was abandoned by him, but at least he came back.

mood: Elevated back up to even :)

Fucking Abnoxious

On spring street personals there is a space where they ask your favorite movie sex scene, I saw, over and over, "Muholland Drive", "Mullholland Drive", "Mullholland Drive." When I saw my neighbor had it I said "I heard this has a really good sex scene in it, can I borrow it?"

It's a damn lesbian scene! I have no problem with that, what I do have a problem with is that I didn't see any other movies repeated over and over like that. What the fuck is wrong with men, really? I like the idea of 2 men together, but not to the point that, if I were to pick my favorite sex scene in a movie, I would pick one that I could never experience on my own! Men annoy me, honestly.

I think the reason men like two women together is because they know that just this once, the woman is going to be satisfied.

The movie was very cool, I didn't figure it out, which is fun, and David Lynch has such a weird style that is fun to watch even if you have no fucking idea what is going on.

I'm still disappointed to not get a mind-blowing sex scene, I'm gonna go watch the pillow book now!

mood: confused (maybe if I watch it 3 times with cliff's notes I will understand it.)

About last night...

I regularly feel compelled to write something about the nature of my blog. The severe change in moods on my last two posts compelled me to say a few words.

So you know the title "The world is out to get me" is a self deprecating joke. I didn't actually think the world was out to get me, but my melodramatic moods tell me that at times- so I titled it so as a way to mock the melodrama.

The other thing is, I know such posts are annoying, they sound like idle complaining, but they arent. They are a coping tool. I journal my shitty mood, and it's diffused, or transformed. It's purging. Seeing that people read the blog does make me hesitate. I think "geez I sound so whiny" or "I sound so sleazy" but first and foremost the blog is for me, and if my writing entertains or helps someone else, it makes it all worthwhile :)

And "victim" is a slur. I post when I felt that way to get rid of it. I hate it.

I am sorry to anyone who reads this, for my mood swings. They are unpleasant to read, but they are a part of my life, and recording them helps me learn. Please never read my low moods as fishing for attention or comments (they are appreciated quite a bit however.) Don't even feel obligated to read them. Again, the ACTION of posting is theraputic. Thats why I do it.

mood: MUCH improved (thanks to an expired allergy nasal spray from 2004 [it burned!])

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The world is out to get me

I really thought the uplifted mood from my clean house would stay with me for a few days. Au contrair mon frair. Day one of my flight I end up with the sleaziest mysogynist of a captian, and a favorite F/O, but the F/O doesn't seem himself...he is developing a cold.

On the first night the F/O, in a sick haze, knocks his foot into his flight bag while getting up in the middle of the night, and he breaks his toe! (He says he thinks its broken because it's swollen and Black & Blue) So day 2 we convince the F/O to go home, and we get a new F/O. He's nice but I am ultra sensitve and assume he hates me.

For both day 1 and day 2 I have felt straight up depressed, like I was really short on sleep, an annoying feeling after feeling so elevated. I had my theories on where the depression was coming from, (something about feeling anxious about success so getting depressed as a defense mechanism) but now I have an alternate idea- I got sick.

The afternoon of day 2 we got off early in the day. I decided to sleep the rest of the day to try to catch up/start the rest of the trip off fresh, but the next day I was sluggish and easily irritated. Some guys were talking so loud during my announcements that I lost track of where I was and froze up, this happens and is usually no big deal- but yesterday I couldn't laugh it off. I felt very victimy and defeated, I even slipped in a passive-aggressive statement at the end of my announcement "thank you to those of you that paid attention" instead of "thank you for your attention" and all I had to do was say "would you two please lower your voice" but I felt too weak and victimy to confront them.

This morning I woke up with dry lips from breathing through my mouth, a stuffy nose and a sore throat, as the day progressed my symptoms got progressively worse. I would have gotten home sooner, but the skeeze bag captian created a drama regarding a mechanical (a great story- I should post more in detail but I DONT WANNA RIGHT NOW!) So I spent 2 extra hours on the ground, as my body got weaker and weaker.

To make it better today I suddenly couldn't post comments on my blog! (haven't yet checked others) and after laying down and trying to sleep but unable I went to the bathroom to get a decongestant, only to find they both have pseudoephedrine in them! (will keep me up!)

Tomorrow I have a tour. Did I mention I am seriously considering quitting? If it doesn't become more than self-flaggelation soon I will have to...I can be proud that I finished training, but accept that I am not having fun. I will talk to the therapist and my art mentor before making the decision. I am just too burnt out from it, the fun is gone and all thats left is the stress and self-doubt. The tour is at 11 am so I am sure its too late for me to call in sick. (I would hate to leave other guides hanging like that)

And now I cant sleep.

Not a good week so far, but I am hopeful that the sickness is the reason. I am in good medical hands right now, so I am not going to freak out just because I feel depression. (this week I was depressive, not just sad or crabby. I LIKE being sad or crabby, they are feelings, depression is like me and my announcements, you feel weak and hopeless.)

mood: like someone put a hairdryer on high heat in my mouth and left it there

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Bring out the good Champagne!

Did you ever see that show "clean sweep"? On the show a person with a SEVERE mess problem gets 1 room redone by the hosts. Imagine the "before" shots on that show and then look at my "after"


I spoke with my psychiatrist this week, becuase I am so happy and productive, I assumed it must be mania. He asked me some questions and said "you are not in a manic or hypomanic state" which means I am actually happy! My inability to make my house livable was my main reason for seeking therapy in the first place, and look at it now!


If you were to ask me "Diana, where is your green belt?" I could walk straight to where it is and put it on! Before I might have "an idea" but I would still have to pull out some boxes and dig a bit, so instead I would just skip the belt.


I can see so clearly why I sabotauge myself in so many ways, if I met a man I liked, I could have never let him see my room! If I found a good opportunity I wouldn't have the time to persue it, because I was tethered to my house, having to overhaul it monthly, just to manage what was in it!


I am so thankful that I started this blog, sought therapy, and tried Risperdal, I may have the life I always dreamed of!

Living Room

I feel almost overwhelmed. I have so much life I can actually live now!

Living Room

It won't remain this clean, but there is a place for everything now, so returning the whole place to this state will take 3 hours, not 3 weeks.


I still have more to do, PLENTY to do, to be able to mentally account for everything I own and be able to find it (that is my goal- and I am damn close!) But I did a good job of compartmentalizing the projects, so one day off I go through my office supplies, the next week I go through my decorations. The last thing I have to do today is carry all of this downstairs (whew!) can you believe this was all in that tiny little bedroom???


I had to take these pictures as a celebration. You take pictures at a graduation or wedding, I see this too as a life changing event.

mood: over the moon, SOOOOO proud!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Please tell this woman I love her

Originally uploaded by DianaCrabtree.
Please tell her I am sorry for all I have done to hurt her.

Please tell her I will cope with my anxiety using medication, therapy, and excercise instead of food.

Please tell her I don't want her to feel tired like she did at this weight.

Please tell her I don't want her to feel invisible like she did at this weight.

Please tell her I will try hard to not be this weight again, but tell her I will love her, even if I do.

mood: good.

I had a serving (3/4 cup) of cereal, a banana, and a cucumber salad today (and some coffee) and I feel fine. Maybe I CAN do this.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

192 Pounds

I know its the medicine, my food intake and activity have not been bad, if anything they have been good. I havn't been this heavy for a year.

I feel really defeated right now. This is a faustian bargain if I have ever heard of one. My anxiety has calmed enough for me to feel comfortable with the fact that I value beauty- in exchange for this sense of peace- FAT!

I could stand myself at 185. I wanted to lose more but walking past a mirror didn't feel like punishment. I feel that "learned helplessness" response right now. I have eaten relatively well this trip. I did have imperfect foods, but my calories were less than usual. I am seeing now that I am going to change to a full-on weight watchers -always-thinking-about-what-food-I-have-eaten type of lifestyle. I would much rather stay the same weight, put the weight loss off until later and deal with my brain first, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There is of course only one answer to this dilemma. I need to go on a bikeride. My chain has a kink in it and is being annoying but I guess now is as good of a time to deal with it as ever. I am so sad. I am going to check my calendar to see if it's just my cycle (oh, what a saving grace that would be) but I doubt it.


mood: concerned, defeated

I just checked- its not TOTM.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I am in Milwuakee. I just came in from the pool. My butt remains a little wet, and I imagine I have a soggy dark spot showing through my pants on my rear end. On the way to the pool I heard a woman's voice from the front desk "Diana?" I thought it was the desk clerk, alerting me to something about my room, but I looked over and it was Lorraine!

Instinctively I gregariously said "Hey how you doing!" but my higher functioning kicked in and I walked away immediately. I went to the pool expecting her to show up, where I would have to reiterate the letter I was forced to put in her file saying "You are a liar don't ever call my house again!" But thank goodness she never showed up. I told the desk clerk after I got out of the pool to please not give my room number out, so as long as she doesn't show up at the resturaunt I am good.

My reaction to saying how I feel is so much different than before I began the new medication, I was completely ready to assertively tell her about herself without worrying about hurting her feelings, which in this case is completely appropriate.

I am feeling a lot of different feelings since beginning this medication. Like an OCD sufferer, who hears a constant loop of "the house will burn down if you don't check the stove" I heard a constant loop of catastrophic thinking, and now that loop has been quieted substantially. This week alone I have felt confident enough to look into applying at a "real" airline, and also have toyed in my head with the old re-occuring dream, to be a physical therapist.

But as I said in my last post, even a brilliant mathematician will be stuck on a problem if they use the same incorrect methods over and over, I have felt inspired and confident before, and have repeatedly gotten in over my head. I did that a bit with the museum, but that ended up being a good thing becuase I raised the bar in what I expected of myself for the first time in 2 years.

So I am going to stay put. I am going to enjoy and improve on what I have accomplished so far, instead of jumping on the impulse to move up to a new level. No harm in INVESTIGATING schools, airlines, or creative pursuits, but for now, unlike before, I am going to look, look, and look some more before I leap.

mood: icky- my captain, F/O and a Norweigen pilot I have the hots for are in one resturaunt with Lorraine. I just said "can we go to this other resturaunt" when the captian came out to get me, and he knew why without me telling him. I tried to be discreet and say "I have good reason" and he said "I don't know about that" which means she has made something up about me. I bad mouthed a friend of the captain's to her, which I know she has shared, so now an ugly part of me has been exposed, and another has been invented about me, I feel on the defensive, which is stupid because I want nothing to do with this girl and she is trying to drag me in. whoooooooooooo, I just exhaled, writing that was helpful, if they ever get out of there I am going to talk about something else (hard to do.) Sad thing is the F/O and I had a nice dynamic going on, well now that he has learned about "what I did" he probably wont like me. (after the lesbian and "man in my room" inventions I am interested to know what she came up with) sheesh LOL

Monday, August 15, 2005

Dr T, I'm picking up what your laying down

Dr T. regularly challenges the way I word things. I think this is called cognitive therapy. She "pokes at" the words I am using to draw attention to the way I think about things. Very much the glass half full/half empty type of stuff.

Well it's working! The way I "speak" to myself has changed dramatically, and the way I see myself has too :) I have worked hard to replace that critical inner voice with an encouraging one. Today I came up with something. It is similar to Steven Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people (all people should read this book- its not a "self help" book, it is a book about living in a way that reflects your values, HIGHLY recommended) I decided today to record my values and strengths.

I had done this before, when I read the book. But the difference between then and now is I didn't know myself at all at the time. I was trying to shape myself into an "acceptable" person. I had no regard or respect for the person I already was. I had a perfect image of what I "should be" in my head, and I saw myself as unacceptable until I reached that perfect point. Of course, with that attitude, I would never be good enough, since perfect is impossible, so it is no wonder that years on that impossible path led to feeling suicidal.

Today I was able to narrow down some core values. I decided that since I value such things I can also call them my strengths. My house is very dirty. There is oil splatters on the wall next to the stove. My bedroom is often a pile of boxes and clothes that I have to walk over to reach my bed. Even though my house is in that condition I have the right to call "order" a strength. It is a strength because I care. Many people have messy homes, and while they usually don't like it, it's not something that is a priority for them. "Order" is a strength that I have, it matters to me and I work towards that goal.

Math might be a person's strength, but if they are faced with a very large, complex problem, they might take a long time to solve it. An incomplete problem is not proof that someone is bad at math, it just means it's a big problem. A person can work on a problem for years and get nowhere if they use an ineffective method over and over.
The reason my house is not yet orderly is, I am approaching my goal in the wrong way.
I repeatedly organize and clean my environment, but it remains "dirty" because I own too many things to keep maintained in a reasonable amount of time.

Another strength I have the right to claim is "Bravery." I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so my life is virtually ruled by fear, but I am still brave. If 75% of the time I choose not to do something, because I am afraid, I am still brave, because 25% of the time I am standing up to that fear. I may meet 24 men where I put up a front, because I am afraid of intimacy or of being rejected, but if I am myself with a twenty-fifth man, I am still brave. I value bravery, and so I am brave.

Ten years ago I would have scoffed at this blog. I would say "If I were soft on myself like that I would never accomplish a thing." I thought that way because I had no faith in myself and my abilities. I thought the only reason I got anything done was because I bullied myself, but now I see I would have gotten more done had I encouraged myself, since I held back to avoid failing, leading to further self-bullying.

These are the Values/Strengths I can recognize right now:

I value Kindness, and I am Kind
I value Ethics, and I am Ethical
I value Caring, and I am Caring
I value Humor, and I am Funny
I value Order, and I am Orderly
I value Creativity, and I am Creative
I value Music, and I am Musical
I value Aesthetics, I am Aesthetic
I value Intelligence, and I am Intelligent
I value Strength, and I am Physically Strong
I value Strength, and I am Emotionally Strong

I cannot put into words how good it feels to become aquainted with myself. It makes me feel more solid to learn who the person I am is. I have spent so many years of my life being a chameleon, trying to impress others so they would give me reassurance that I was acceptable. I wasted so much energy that I could have put into making myself happy. It makes me happy to learn that I am already acceptable. I have unique qualities and strengths (some more developed than others of course) and I now can spend my life developing them, instead of punishing myself for being the impossible...perfect.

Mood: very positive and warm, not to mention creative and bright :)

Oh, and pssssssst...now that I am using my very-well-developed strength of kindness on myself- I am starting to like this woman I am becoming acquainted with. ;)

Saturday, August 13, 2005


One of Earl's friends was supposed to swap trips with me and never submitted the paperwork. Sure, thats $100 more dollars in my pocket, but I was hoping to get a lot of cleaning and biking in this week and now I have 4 days where I will be completely gone.

When I get back I will have 3 days to get the whole house ready. I am really quite miffed about this.

I have tons of vegetables and fruit to eat, those will go bad if I don't eat them. The house is NOT in good shape. GRRRRRRRR. My clothes arent clean. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. GRRRR.

I had a nice post to write about today, I went to my good friend Jane's Baby shower (she loved the card I made by the way) and my neighbor drove me out there! I have alot to write about things I learned but I just dont have the time right now. GRRR! I should have submitted it! UH! But I needed her f-ing signature. UH!

mood: REALLY disappointed!

Three's company

I will make this quick, because I want to go to bed.

Tonight I went out with my neighbor's girlfriend and my neighbor showed up later on.

We had fun, she drank a little too much and was a little embarrasing, but it was a good time. My jealousy was in good shape, it wasn't him that I wanted but the connection that they had.

She is going to drive me to a baby shower tomorrow (!) and she said (while drunk) that if I can help her get her new laptop to do what her old one does I can have the old one (it has a damaged hard drive, but works) I realize now that was a drunk offer, but my fingers are crossed.

He is a sweet guy. He gave me a hug (tee hee.) My imagination was a little inappropriate in their house, but I felt that I was visiting friendS

Scratch all of that. I am lying to myself and you. My ego was being awful. I was finding everything wrong I could about her and telling myself I would be better. It is textbook intimacy-avoidance to put your emotional energy into people who are unavailable to you in one way or another and I bet you a hundred dollars I would find a reason not to want him if he was available to me.

By the way, it turns out he is 46! It shocks me. I thought the guy was in his late thirties. His girlfriend is so they seem like a good age for eachother.

I honestly feel a bit down right now. I am staring unhealthy patterns of mine in the face and it makes me sick to my stomach. I always play this unattainable character, not because I am somehow "better" than anyone else, but thats the character I play. It's not that he is unavailable that upsets me, it's that if he was available I would find too much wrong with him and dump him. His apartment would be too bohemian. If his apartment looked better homes and gardens I would say his house wasn't original enough. This is so old! I have been doing this since boys began! I have it totally in for myself!

And to make the yucky gut feeling worse, today Dr. T pushed me to examine the way I think about why my thinking is structured to see people in economic/social classes. You don't have to look too deep to see some ugly predjudices I feel towards the working class. (And paradoxically I am predjudiced against the middle and upper classes too!) I felt (and feel) very defensive about looking into this topic, which means, of course, it's important. Before my next session I should write about that, I think I will just freewrite it since I am so reluctant to even examine it.

But now- off to bed. It really was a nice night. Just like strenuous excercise hurts a bit, strenuous inner change hurts, and starting up a hill is the worst part, and I think these issues are doozies of hills.

mood: down, even though I had fun earlier. I think medication 4 hours late could be involved (or maybe having 4 drinks)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Maybe it's because I am a Lesbian

I have a sexy neighbor. He helped me carry things up when I moved in. He has invited me in passing to a neighborhood bar, I said "not tonight" out of shyness. He and his friend in passing invited a friend and I to hang out, we stopped up but didn't stay because we had other plans.

I felt a chemistry between us and hoped that one day we could hang out and that something may happen, so I was pleased any time we ran into each other. One day I saw the dome light on in his car and felt like the universe was smiling upon me. I checked my hair in the mirror and as casually as I could appear, knocked on the door. A hyperactive brunette with huge knockers answered the door.

Hot neighbor, like the rest of them, has a girlfriend. What do I do? Like a normal person smile cattily when we pass in the halls? Of course not, I end up becoming friends with her. This has happened tons of times. I meet a guy I want and think seeds are planted. When he ends up having or getting a girlfriend I end up liking her and he becomes invisible.

I saw her and him coming down the stairs today and said to her "ooh I've got something for you" and when he came down I said "oh hey" OH HEY? How rude am I? I knew him first! No, him and I didn't bond and giggle over thrift store finds but I could be a little friendlier.

So what gives? Where does this behavior come from? I have a few guesses. "Keep the enemy close" is not the answer, or at least not 100% because I genuinely like the girls, otherwise I wouldn't become friends with them. I almost guess it's a jealousy killer. If I get to like her then I won't want him anymore, because you can't like your friend's boyfriend. That's why he becomes invisible, I have to turn off all feelings and the only way to do that is pretend he doesn't exist. It's also some strange way to say "I'm okay with it" which is reasonable if he is your friend, but weird if its a near stranger.

It's weird behavior, and I actually feel a little icky as I get to thinking about it. It doesn't seem nice. It seems like a game and I don't like that. I have similar behavior with friend's boyfriends, I either have an underlying hostility with them or I flirt with them. Flirting is the only way I am able to communicate with men, so I act hostile if I like them becuase I am worried she will think I am trying to steal them, or worse, he will.

I think whatever the reason I do it I need to learn how to be friends with a man without flirtation, I am getting better at it, I have even made some good guy friends, but I still would want more if they didn't have someone. The only male friend I don't feel that way about is Earl, who I am not even sure I want to be friends with. Besides, although I wouldn't date him, I would certainly [want to] do him.

mood: minus the unflattering self-examination, Im good


Fresh Cucumber, Green Pepper and red onion with fresh pesto sauce.

For dessert, a bowl of fresh blueberries, strawberries and a white peach.

mood: in heaven

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Bush is the Nixon of the 21st century

I was so happy to see "Bush indictment" as the number one search on technorati, but being the pessimist I am I imagine he wont be punished until death, when he will learn that saying Jesus' name lots and lots does not give him permission to thumb his nose at all of his teachings and then still expect a pass through the pearly gates.

If the "Bush Indictment" is a hoax, let it be known that such hoaxes are how the right wing have done so well lately. It is a favorite tool for them to start a rumor and talk about it so much that the mainstream media is forced to report "It has been alleged that..." and by appearing on the mainstream news, it appears to have credence.

Oh, and of course, a criminal is still a criminal, even if they are not caught. If a "Bush indictment" isn't actually happening now, it only means he isn't being indicted, but he is still a criminal.

So I am posting about it a second time, to contribute to the "buzz" I am doing this out of revenge for the "buzz" generated by having "pollsters" call Republicans during the primary's and saying "Would it change your mind about John McCain if you heard he had an illegitimate black child?"

Fuck You Bush
Fuck You Rove
You are bad people.

Bush Indictment

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The number one search on Technorati

Bush Indictment

Risperdal Causes...

I am in my third week of taking a new medication for my anxiety. I am very excited to be seeing wonderful results. My anxiety leads to me obsessing like crazy about everything, and I end up self medicating with food and, oddly, coffee.

I have pleasantly found that I do not need coffee as much, but unpleasantly have learned that this drug causes weight gain! Weight GAIN? What a cruel joke! I get to stop obsessing that I am fat and in exchange I actually become fat? It sucks.

Here's the problem I have been having lately with my weight. It hasn't budged because I have no motivation to lose any more. At the weight I am at I have enough energy to live pretty comfortably and I get some attention from men, but not so much that I get uncomfortable. I think my body is attractive, but could be more attractive if I lost 20-40 more pounds. And according to doctor's charts I should weigh about 30 pounds less. My metabolism will slow as I age, so I should lose more weight, I just don't care enough to want to. I can eat a lot of junk and maintain this weight, and as it is I want the junk food more than I want the weight loss.

But, do I want the junk food more than I want to maintain this weight? Hell no. I hated being fat. I am still "fat" but I am more likely to be called "thick" at this weight than "fat." Some men find me attractive at this weight, at my highest weight nearly none did. I was so tired all the time and I hated people looking at me. I had a pretty face but felt very unattractive. Maybe the slowed metabolism will motivate me now. I already put a piece of toast away after reading that the weight gain happens without increased eating.

I am not as mad as I might be. The Risperdal web-page says it only leads to about 5 pounds, but I am sure they are going to spin it to look better than it is. I could also get a movement disorder (!) but the doc says it's very rare and frankly right now I am willing to take the risk. I can see by it lifting, just how handicapping the anxiety is for me. It ruined my dad's life, and I have come close to no longer being able to cope with it and the life that comes with it. I will take a risk.

Doing a lot of extra work to maintain a weight of 185 is not what I was hoping for, but there are much worse things that could happen to me.

mood: tired (no caffeine) a little antsy

Monday, August 08, 2005

Life's great Luxuries: Fashion, Travel, Sanity

30 dollars. 30 dollars a month for medication. I already have the co-pays of the doctor and psychiatrist (high co-pays since it turns out the psychiatrist is out of my network) and 10 dollars a month I could handle, but 30????

Really I am pretty lucky. I have got so much more money now than 2 years ago I can't even believe it. I even get a raise this month. And I am pretty high functioning, which is fortunate for me too, someone who needed an anti-psychotic for say, psychosis might have a much harder time dealing with a $20 copay I need to see the big picture here and know I am fortunate. Maybe thats my problem, I see myself in comparison to the people who were born healthy, instead of looking at how fortunate I am to have health insurance (until the airline figures out a way to take it away) and access to steady care.

My mood is a little not-good right now. I can tell the difference between a normal bad mood and a chemical-imbalance bad mood and this is probably the latter. I took half of the anti-anxiety dose this weekend because I forgot to call my doctor sooner (what's the rush?) and then when I called it was a friday evening, so I had the weekend before they were called in. I think this drug has discontinuation effects (it says not to discontinue without medical supervision) so I blame that on my weird mood. I'm not too wacky right now I think, just a little pouty in a way that is a bit out of character for me.

Poor pharmacist. I said "$20?, I'll just get this one and sell some CD's to get the other one." I know people whine about prices all the time, but can you imagine giving someone an anti-psychotic and they start getting upset? Side note- allow me my psychotic jokes. I know they are insensitive but I am using them to deal with the fact that I am so crazy the run-of-the-mill antidepressant that a third of America takes isn't enough for me. I am in a different category of mental illness. I take an anti-psychotic for bob's sake!

These bad things can serve as reminders of how much good we have. If I wasn't giving $28 this month to Hosna I would have the money to buy what I need right now. But there is no way I would stop, because it helps me see that I am privledged, not a weasely victim I sometimes pretend I am. Now thats sanity.

mood: a little victimy, but improving

Saturday, August 06, 2005

If it looks like a brothel, if it smells like a brothel, it must be Diana's bedroom.

This is day 2 of my exceptionally late-spring cleaning marathon. My bedroom is furnished but I haven't moved in many items. I don't know if I wrote this but my goal is to move things from my roommate's old room into my room as I use them, and then a week later evaluate if I need the things that haven't been used yet. I am so tired of cleaning every week instead of excercising or being creative, I am at a turning point when it comes to owning shit. I wrote a few weeks ago that I wish I could walk away and start fresh, well I am basically choosing to do that. I am getting rid of as much as I can, my goal is half of my belongings. I am just so tired of managing it all.

One of the things I chose to get rid of was a bottle of sparkly rose scented body wash. I liked this body wash because when you spray yourself with it your skin sparkles. I have sprayed this on a curtain or a sheet, it looks pretty and smells nice. Well I wanted to get rid of the bottle once and for all, so I sprayed it on a wall in my bedroom.

I did hope it would make my room smell rosy, since I had sprayed it on curtains before, I knew it had a more subtle smell than perfume. But the rose smell is pretty strong! Maybe cloth absorbs some of the smell, and the wall doesn't. At least it smells nice and fresh, not like spoiled perfume.

My sister's boyfriend gave me some Chinese lanterns after I told her I wanted them, my goal being a room that looks like a brothel. Now I will have a bedroom that looks AND smells like a brothel. Too bad it doesn't sound like one.

mood: tired, a little stir crazy

PS Day 3 of no caffeine (except for the cappucino mix I used as creamer for decaf coffee, I realized it had caffiene but drank it anyway)

Friday, August 05, 2005


This is why I spend my days off at home. This is why I turn down plans. This is why I stay in my apartment instead of flying off to Los Angeles or New York when work is done. I am in the zone, and it is so healing.

I have been alone for a day and a half and I know that no-one will walk in my house anytime soon. I feel completely calm, not in a temporary way, but solidly calm, in a way that I feel safe will stay with me. I am sure there is a clinical name for this, like alpha brain waves or something, but I really love it, and miss it terribly.

Years ago, I lived alone and would stay at home and not call anyone for days. A few years later I lived alone for a month and got too lonely but back in the old days I was in heaven when I got to be home, unbothered for days at a time.

Would I go back to that lifestyle again? No. I was lonely then too. I didn't realize it at the time because I think the lonliness was a fair trade off for the relief from the social phobia. Back then I had a difficult time just going to Walgreens, I felt so much like every person around me was staring at me and evaluating me, as if I had a spotlight on me. I also think that lonliness was so much a part of my life since the death of my mother, that I didn't notice it. (I onliy recently have been aware that I do feel lonliness, I never realized you can both crave intimacy and want more time alone)

Would I like to have a week alone in my house every year? Hell yeah! This is what pleases me so much about having a flight crew member for a roommate, I get to have a few days a week where I can interact with my environment without having to feel concern for anyone else's space, but also, a few days a week have someone else there, so I am not inside my own head the whole time I am at home.

I spent the whole day working on the house. I was able to carry everything from my closet of a room to the other bedroom and not have to hurry or watch the time for when Emma would be home from work. I was in a cycle of developing a mess, which seemed huge in such a small space, and after awhile it would feel good to pull everything out, organize it, and then put it all back. Problem is, I never had enough time to get it organized enough that I wouldn't have to pull it all out to clean it,
so the cycle would repeat.

I live alone for 3/4 of a month, what a priveledge. I feel like I am the good parts of moving: by pulling out everything I get a clean slate, a "new" environment, but none of the time constraints of moving, and the packing and unpacking isnt there to take up my energy. Lucky lucky me.

mood: in "the zone," calm, tired, fortunate

Should I?

Next to the keyboard sits a small elegant glass cup and saucer, on the saucer a delicate coffeespoon is rested. Through the side of the mug you can clearly see a light brown hot beverage, but its not what you think it is. In the cup is decaf coffee.

I had no caffeine yesterday. None. "Big deal" you think? Big deal is right. People, I am a person who NEEDS coffee, and not just becuase I am addicted, "quitting" as some people have suggested is not going to solve the "need" issue, for years I have needed it just to have the energy to survive.

Well now I don't "need" the caffeine, but I do still want it. I possibly could get more done this week if I have some but I sense that a bike ride would be as or more effective, with no anxiety side effects. I know that I CAN do it right now, and reduced caffeine will be good for my anxiety, but on the other hand it's possible that I "can" do it at another time, but I am a little worried that that may not be the case, what if I have a window right now, I don't want to miss it.

I intend to buy some decaf beans while I think about my decision, I know there is some caffeine in them still, but it's very little. I am still not sure what choice I should make, but I am leaning towards quitting.

mood: decaffinated (calm, a little tired, but better since I started moving around)

Thursday, August 04, 2005

A busy week...And there's still some of me left :)

I didn't have to be here.

No, really I didn't. I had a trip at the end of July and a trip at the beginning of August that overlapped, so I had my August 4 day trip from the thirty first through the third, and then today I have a stupid Vermont out and back left over from the August trip so I came to work for a fifth day, and I will now have one less day off.

I was so tired from being up late, working on a friend's house that I spent $27 on a cab to get here, (half of what I will earn today), and then I learn I didn't have to be here. The pilots told me the woman who worked my August trip had requested to work this flight and scheduling said they would call me and check if I was willing to give it up. Not only did they not call me, they told her I had called in sick, and that is why she was working it! LIARS!

But I'm here. Its been quite a week. I had my first tour, went to a party, tried to set up some friends, Emma moved, I made a big money faux-pas, helped my sweet-stay-at-home-mommy friend and her husband work on their house, and of course worked 5 consecutive days. The thing that makes me happy is I am still here. I am a little drained, but "little" is the key word. I usually am drained by having more than one appointment a day- yet here I am, after a busy week for anyone, and I am doing okay. That's big.

Hmmmm, where to start? Biggest of all I guess is Emma's move. I can't imagine a "roommate breakup" going nicer. I went out of my way to keep her from feeling guilty for moving, I helped her here and there, and I did it all in a way that didn't feel like I was pushing her out (I hope so anyway.) She moved most of her stuff on the 31st. I helped her pack some, sorted through mutually owned items to split them, and got the bills transferred to my name. I was rewarded for it, not just from her warmth, but she split the spices, even though I said to forget it, because it was too much work. One person might see a box of newspaper wrapped plates or a shelf of spices, but I see gestures, by two often over-proud women, saying "I want good things for you"

My "profound" gesture of packing a box of dishes left me without any, so I made plans to go with Tera to a secondhand store (she had never been to one.) Tera arrived at my house wearing Chanel sunglasses. It's not that you don;t see people in Chanel in secondhand stores, it was just a taste of what was to come.

I am a regular shopper and donator to places like the Goodwill and ARC, but I did not no how to get there by car (I am so accustomed to the bus) that we went to Savers. What a way to introduce her to the type of person I am. I had told her how much I adore secondhand stores, and we show up to a smelly depressing dirty store in the ghetto.

The used, unmatched, plates were a dollar a piece, the items for sale were dirty, and we were panhandled in the store! "Marked" might be a better word, a smelly guy in effeminate clothes gave us some comp tickets for a show that "Prince's band" was putting on, and all we have to do is donate as much as we can afford to "Prince's foundation." Her year in India and my adolescence in the ghetto prepared us for this. I said "Great! Is there a web site?" of course he said "No you can just give it to me." We laughed about it later, but again, I had told her that secondhand stores are my favorite places to shop. I couldn't imagine what sort of image she was forming of my decorating style.

Shortly before we left the store, we saw a fur covered ottoman, with the seams burst, wrapped in duct tape. I begged her come to my favorite Goodwill in the city so I could defend my consumer honor, she did and said said secondhand stores still weren't for her. Her reasoning for why had a few holes in it, I think she just prefers new stuff, but didn't want to admit to me that that is why (no accounting for taste.) ;)

I found a nice dish dryer, a Faberware pan set, and one of those really powerful fans, but there we found no plates that were pretty enough for us, so we went to Ikea- where she came alive! She kept saying "I like this place, it's more 'me', It's cheap but still fashionable" or something like that. I wanted to laugh at her, in a condescending "you silly rich girl" way, but fresh from my Emma experience, where I felt I was often unfairly judged, I was faced with the opportunity to practice what I preach. At Ikea I bought some beautiful clear glass plates and bowls and other things I needed (of course the BEAUTIFUL set of "Data" flatware was a necessity.)

Saturday night I went to Carrie and her fiance's house to a dinner party. I brought my old roommate Shane with the intention of setting him up with one of Carrie's friends. It was very respectful to both of them, we didn't tell them, we just hoped they would find each other and hit it off. Instead they didn't say a single word to eachother except "hi" but I think that's a sign of interest. Her fiance is so fancy-pants, he loves to cook gourmet foods so I stuffed myself with hors d'oeuvres and left a little room for dinner. After dinner and desserts we went out to the back yard and sat in front of a fire pit and drinking beer. It was paradise.

Sunday afternoon I went to work. My trip was nice. Work is still annoying at times, but I can handle it better. This medication is doing great things for me, I even told my dad about it, and he wants to know the name of it so he can put some in my grandpa's cereal :)

I was so excited yesterday when my last flight was done. I rushed off the plane to the cash machine to withdraw $40, I had big plans- the temple next store was having a bag sale! As I was smiling with excitement on the train home I realized something...the balance in my bank account was less than the checks I had written against it! One of the checks was the first rent check I had written to the landlord, and the other check was to Emma for part of the damage deposit, If either of those bounced I would be humiliated!

After hours of agony I realized I had some uncashed checks, one from a credit card company I had overpaid (it would have expired in a week! had I not had this predicament I would have been out $60!) I also canceled my Blockbuster membership. Not just to prevent the automatic money deduction, but because I had grown too embarrassed about going in there 2-3 times a day on my days off, all of those cute movie nerd boys would know I am a total hermit. I am going to sign up for netflix so I can be a hermit without anyone knowing [she published on the worldwide web]

Yesterday night I went to sweet-stay-at-home-mommy's to help her and her husband work on the house they are building. Her friend just died. Her friend had 3 kids she homeschooled and a husband who works for American Airlines, at risk of lay-offs. As usual, she and her husband were fighting, but without the anxiety I don't feel (as much) that I have to fix any of it, I feel like I can just be there to support her.

And now here I am, writing on a 1991 powerbook 140 as the plane begins it's decent. I am so happy the trip is half over, and I cant wait to get home.

mood: tired but content