Saturday, May 17, 2008

I am a tulip

For real y'all. I have this thing bubbling up in me, and I dont know what is going to come up.

In my dreams, I am constantly confronting people and saying whats on my mind. Some people say nightmares are practice for dealing with real life, it appears a more assertive Diana has and is emerging.

But there is more. This heartbreak from Mike was like a final straw. I am glad about it, but I am for real done with men for awhile. I may need to get some sex, but I am not wanting a relationship, I just don't think anyone can satisfy me right now. The only thing that will satisfy me is to become the adult I want to be. When I say the woman I want to be, I mean the adult human being, sort of like with the same meaning "be a man." People never say "Be a woman" they say "You are being a woman" and they mean it as an insult. What I want to be in my life is a woman. An in control adult. And I am not talking about my personal life. I am talking about myself as a citizen. There is something growing in me, and damn it, it's radical!

This is why I see myself as a bulb. For years I have buried myself in mainstream anonymity, it kept me safe while I healed the wounds of my mother's death and father's abandonment via alcohol. But something is rumbling in my tummy. I just see visions of myself in dark basements looking at blueprints and planning protests, while avoiding the police. I am hopeful that we wont have a next president continuing the course this country is going in, but if our civil liberties are taken away, which they continue to be, what is next on that slippery slope. Could it be in the future that people could get arrested for peaceful protests? Could it be in our future that people get tortured for peaceful protests? Could it be in our present?

I feel like right now I am trying to figure out reality. I am finally ready to put aside my blinders of "Us" and "Vogue" magazines, (not Dlisted though, Dlisted IS reality) I need to dig deeper, trying to understand what is really going on in the world and America, and what needs to be done to make the world just, then go in that direction.

If I am a planted bulb, soon to sprout, how many people like me are there? I felt really inspired today, seeing "Dave Chapelle's Block Party." It made me think of woodstock. Are the 60's coming back? Are American youth too spoiled and soft to challenge the status quo? Are we too hypnotized by Prada and Chanel? I don't know.

I just hope that whatever comes up is balanced and accessible. I find some radical people to be really tedious, because they reject everyone except the people like them. I hope I continue to listen as much as I speak. I don't know what is coming, I am a little frightened, and a little proud.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 11:39 PM links to this post

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

My most favorite, and least favorite Africans called me

My least favorite, Joseph. The one who stole the orphan Hufiz' school fees, claimed to be dead then called me to let me know he was alive. Yeah. I ended up hanging up on him. He had no remorse in his voice, it was as if he didn't even do it! I don't want to waste anymore typing time on him.

The other caller: CHARLES!!!!

Ok, Charles isn't my favorite African, Hufiz is, but Charles is a close second. It was so great to hear his voice, even though the phone cards cut off a lot. He is visiting the US on vacation, and I am so happy about it. He can bring books for Hufiz and I can just hug him, and know he is alive and safe.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 2:41 PM links to this post

Friday, May 09, 2008

Thank you Keely, thank you for being unpleasant!

I was just looking at hot ghetto mess, and remembered a rediculous racist thing I said as a young woman. I repeated some joke that a black comedian had said, and said that the Cosby show, with a black doctor and a black lawyer was unrealistic. I feel sick to my stomach just remembering that, and I want to avoid thinking about it any further, because I don't want anymore humiliating memories of myself as an ignorant ass.

So Keely, my bi-racial friend since Jr. High, was extraodinarily bitchy to me last time I saw her, and when I say extraordinary, I mean for the average person. For her, it was bitchy business as usual. Well I realized tonight how much she blessed me by being a big enough bitch that I never want to speak to her again. Now I never need to be reminded of my ignorant past. No one but her knew about the Cosby joke re-telling. Nobody but her knew about my gaffe of saying her boyfriend is a sweetie, even though he "tries to look all thuggish" (racist because it associates black fashion with thug-ism.) I never have to be reminded of the time I called her friend "D" by the name of her friend "C" (That wasn't a mistake because they were black, but of course it was interpreted that way, and can never be seen any other way.)

Most people are forced to be accountable to their stupid thinking/actions of the past. I am free of them, but she will have to carry them with her forever, because she never gave me the chance as an adult to redeem myself, and to see me for what I was: nervous, eager for approval, curious, and ignorant, but not intentionally. I have always had a good heart, and as I look back on myself, I see that, but forever, when she looks back on me, she will carry a racist person with her, because she never took the chance to see anything more.

When her and I lived together she was so mean to me. I got used to it, like a battered wife I guess, and it took her cousin to call her on it in front of me to realize that she, in fact, was a bully, instead of me deserving it for being...who knows, 5' 7"? For whatever reason a person could believe they deserve to be bullied. In a way we both had the same mental issues, the difference was I saw myself as needing to change, and she didn't.

So Keely, you are such a bitch. Thank you for that. The sentence for my ignorant youth has been commuted, although I plead guilty. Even better, I am freed from the prison of having to deal with you. Halleluja!

(I can say, seriously, she had a bad effect on my self image for years, like an abusive husband. Her little sister, who she also bullied, is now a prostitute)

Labels: Keely, Racism, Roommate

posted by Diana Crabtree at 11:30 PM links to this post

Thursday, May 08, 2008

I am so crabby!

Wow! I havent felt this crabby in awhile.

Ok, this is going to be a stupid post, because I am too tired (and crabby) to write anything.

I think I am crabby because I am tired from the beer last night, and because I ran today ! :) ! :) And maybe because I am hungry, but I cant be sure, because I was tracking weight watchers points, and I ate twice as many as I should in one day. Also, I am stressed about my cousin's shower coming up saturday. I am annoyed that things are not organized, but I am the maid of honor, so I should have made sure they were (her cousin wanted to throw the shower) I dont know what to get her, and I have to clean my room tomorrow too.

Maybe I just need some sleep. Sorry for the boring post

posted by Diana Crabtree at 10:48 PM links to this post

Drunk with no victims in sight

Ha ha. I am in my hotel room drunk. Not extremely drunk, but drunk enough that I just want to close my eyes and fall asleep without brushing my teeth, and drunk enough that I cant type.

My captian's birthday is today, and the F/O and I got him some cookies, I wrapped the box in maps from the flight magazine, and tied it with a bag tag. I taped it all together with pieces of bandaid, I am so awesome.

So I am sort of hot for this guy, though he is married, and just had a little girl. I am pretty certian the chemistry is mutual, because he picks on me SO BAD. I really would like to give him a birthday present...OH SHUT UP DIANA!

My hornyness has improved lately (meaning less insane.) I think I have discovered the reason for it, I have been working out more, and the sun has been out more, so all my electrons are firing.

Ok, I dont want to write anymore. I want to roll over, with unbrushed teeth & no medication, and just fall asleep. I wont do that, but I will get up and brush before it's too late.

Peace.

Oh, and I loved that airport cop. He was so hot, and had no ring on. I want a NY guido so bad. Is that racist? Yes. But I'm part greek, so it's the same right? Who knows. Get this girl a fling.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 1:43 AM links to this post

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I'm a girl again!!!

AH! What a feeling! I have waxed my lower legs and (TMI alert) trimmed down the out of control hedges, I feel feminine and touchable again!

Its a dangerous prospect, me being touchable, because it means I might let someone touch, but I can't help it.

I'm not worried, I think I would only allow a positive person in my domain. Except a new artist moved in my building, and when he saw me all gussied up for a play Linda took me to he showed definate interest. Then again, he took interest in the made-up, dressed-up Diana, not the normal ponytail & jeans Diana, so I don't take it personally, though it's nice still :)

I am just doing so well. Sun & excercise are giving me energy and zest for life.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 1:23 PM links to this post

Enough with the nightmares already!

I have had nightmares the last 4 nights, what gives? The weird thing is my life is going really well right now, so I find the whole nightmare thing really confusing.

Last night was the worst of them all. I lost my job. I had to go into this big process where me and another woman were supposed to compete by explaining why we should keep the job, and I did, but she didn't and she still got the job. When I asked for an explination the guy was all venemous and hateful of me & my informal way of being.

That nightmare was so bad I had to get up and get something to eat. Then, I had another nightmare! I dreamt that I had taken a plum at the airport, thinking it was included as part of a continental breakfast, but I was wrong, so I paid with a 20. Then the people told me I had to wait to get change, and after waiting so long I was going to delay the flight, I had a shouting match with them. This is 2 nightmares in one night!

My guess about the nightmares is I am probably burning more calories than I am eating, so maybe my body is protesting a little at night. I have nightmares when I am too hot, of if my nose is plugged and my mouth is too dry, so the weight loss thing is my guess. I have been excercising every other day and the recovery process of course could be causing the nightmares too.

Oh well, I guess it's better to have an awesome life and bad dreams than to have awesome dreams and a bad life.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 10:53 AM links to this post

Friday, May 02, 2008

The hor-nayest girl in the world

Ok, so my heart has been broken, so I don't want a boyfriend, and my new goal in life is to only have sex if it is with a boyfriend, or soon to be boyfriend. So what is a hor-nay girl to do?

I am proud of myself from this weekend. There is a musician in Toronto who I have the hots over the internet for, and he has the hots over the internet for me. But, like every musician, he appears to be quite slutty, or at least he seems to think the world revolves around him. He has been quite rude over IM, hanging up abruptly, making me think he is responding to something I wrote, and he has my phone number, has never called, and hasn't given me his (not that I asked for it either)

Well we were supposed to meet on one of my overnights this weekend, and I didn't feel confident that he wasn't thinking something would happen. So I intentionally did not shave my legs (which I have done before to try to stop something from happening) I told him online about it in the afternoon, and his response was "ewww! Gross!" and I am not sure why it pissed me off. I too, think it's gross (sorry hippies ;) ) I think it looks very manly, but that was the point, It could keep sex from happening. I guess it made me mad because a guy who cares about you would be cautious about how you would feel. They might say "eww" but it shouldn't matter because when you sit and have a conversation with me, my pants are on. Also, I have hairly legs, its because I am lazy/have not had/will not have sex for awhile. I am not a freak because of it. The hair grows there. He's probably the kind of guy who would be grossed out by pubic hair. Stoopit. (oh, and side note- the not shaving trick rarely works. They usually want me anyway)

So I was really proud of myself. I was still willing to see him, but I took the phone off the hook at midnight. I know these types of guys. He would finally call at 2AM. I remember staying up late for Detroit guy, just to have him act like a ghetto asshole when I was starving to death and dead tired waiting for him so I could give HIM a present. Ideeot. I also took the windows IM program all the way off my computer. I have no desire to speak to him anymore. If he comes to my city on tour, great, if not, who cares. The only thing I got from our friendship was inspiration to make music (and to ask Mike for more attention) besides that, the only thing Toronto musician dude has to offer me is annoyance.

So good for me. I am hornay as a MF, but turned down some cheap and easy sex, (I was on my period which helped, I doubt he would be respectful about it) I have two other potential victims in my sights. One is Sadiq, He is back in my life, sortof, but he was bad in bed. He came in like 30 seconds, which was fine the first time, but the second time it just seemed selfish. He also woke me up in the middle of the night for sex when I asked him specifically to wait for 5AM. That was so selfish and rude. I am still pissed about that. Victim #2 I dont think I could resist if he came on to me. We went on a date from an online dating service back in the day, and we hung out the other day and he was cool. We are going to see Eddie Izzard next month, and we will be in close quarters because we are both going in female drag, and I am doing his makeup, which means being close up, and lots of touching. I just think I am too weak to turn down some safe dick right now. I am having dreams about it for some reason.

Poor me. My life is really difficult.

(wow! It has been 4 months since I have had sex! Good girl!)

Labels: Men, Mike, Online Personals, Sadiq, Sex, Toronto Musician

posted by Diana Crabtree at 2:12 PM links to this post

Friday, April 25, 2008

I called the health department on my company!!

Uh! You wont believe what I just did! I just called the health department against my company (or the airport.) I am in a southern hub, and a toilet is backed up, and a sign says "toilet is out of order, AGAIN." The bathroom smelled like an outhouse, and it was so bad that when I was trying to wash my hands, I heaved 3 times really strong, and if I had stayed longer I would have thrown up. The last time I gagged like that in a bathroom was in a pit latrine by a hospital in Uganda. I can't believe the employees at an airport are supposed to survive something like that. It is an hour later and I am still sort of nauseous!

It seems stupid to make this a race issue, maybe I should say I think it could be a class issue. Middle class people wouldnt be put in those conditions, and maybe middle class people would know that it is illegal (right?) and know that there is an authority above the managers. In addition, maybe middle class people arent as used to being treated like shit, and when you are abused regularly, you just learn to cope, and save your energy/pick your battles.

One thing is, maybe there are other channels I could go through, like the company, but I don't think it could get that bad without people having already complained to management. I just "can't stomach" being in the city of my airline's headquarters, where the CEO's mansion is, and knowing the employees go through that. And I am not talking about Pilots and Flight Attendants by the way. We spend most of our time upstairs. I am concerned about the rampers, who might have a split second between flights to use the restroom, and not have time to go upstairs.

Predjudice as this might sound, there might be a "southern work ethic" going on here. My e-mail address is in my profile, so you can correct me if you think I am being unfair. For international readers, the North and the South have some cultural differences (there are plenty of regional cultural differences in our large country) and we sort of turn our noses up at each-other. The north, of course, is better, but of course, also, I am from the north, so I do think that. I have to get to my next flight so I cant get too deep into it.

All I can say is I am glad I called. Yes, I am sticking my nose in another city's business, but maybe someone needs to.

Labels: Career, Health, The South

posted by Diana Crabtree at 9:54 AM links to this post

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I live in the f-ing twilight zone

What the hell is going on?

I set my clock yesterday to match my phone, and my computer was an hour fast for no good reason. Now my phone matches my computer and my clock is an hour slow.

What is going on? Am I being punk'd?

posted by Diana Crabtree at 5:18 PM links to this post

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Zeitgeist Movie

I love laughing at conspiricy theories. I was instructed to watch "Zeitgiest, the movie" and I assumed it was a movie about religion. It is, and it's about 911, and its about banks. I am watching it right now.

Here is the thing. It all makes a lot of sense. I am very attuned to manipulative propoganda, yet somehow the maker of the documentary has earned my trust. I think this quote did it :

"That being said, It is my hope that people will not take what is said in the film as the truth, but find out for themselves, for truth is not told, it is realized."

I hate that I am too lazy to look up any of this stuff on my own. I hate it because it's probably true, and if I did the work of looking it up I could verify or disprove it, so since I am not doing the research, I can just float in the comfortable cloud of doubt, which can equally be called DENIAL. Denial that my civil liberties are being eroded, and have been eroded.

And Obama is going to be assasinated (thats not in the movie.) This is my prediction.

One thing that is on my mind while watching this is the power of films to expose the truth. No, I am not talking about documentaries. I am talking about fiction. Movies like "The Matrix" and "V for Vendetta" (oops! I just realized they are made by the same people! LOL!) Can illustrate scary, scary, mindblowing truths in a way that can alter a person's understanding of reality while fooling them into believing they are being entertained, and while fooling the people being described that it's "just a movie."

You could say the same thing about books. Books are for sure MORE powerful than movies, but uneducated people dont read books. Uneducated people are easier to manipulate to gain power, so a movie is a good medium to counter the message.

I need to get some of my intelligent friends to watch it, see if they laugh at me for liking it. I am not saying it's a well made film, but I like how much it's making me think.

It's very possible I am a dork, I saw this documentary while I was tired and "open" to messages that take a small amount of truth and expand on them into a wild convoluded theory, but even if thats true, there are definate truths in this. And Americans are too blisfully distracted by TV and luxury to examine them. (And BTW, I am not doubting the tying of the Jesus story to the pagan stuff, i have believed that for years)

Watch it, just for fun. Feel free to send me an e-mail of your opinion.

UPDATE: Woah! I just saw the quote "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will no peace" attributed to Sri Chinmoy Ghose, who I read about in Runners world as being a kooky cult leader! Bad move Zeitgiest dude, to align yourself with an immoral kook, and to probably have the wrong person given credit for the awesome quote (though awesome quotes can be written by cult leaders"

UPDATE 2: I like the way I wrote about it on Myspace. People should watch "Zeitgeist, the movie" as science fiction. 1984 is science fiction, though it is very valid and important.

UPDATE 3: I watched this movie on 4-20 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Labels: 9-11, Conspiricy theory, Movies, Obama, Religion, Zeitgeist movie, Zeitgiest movie, Zietgeist movie, Zietgiest Movie

posted by Diana Crabtree at 2:57 PM links to this post

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The muse is a bitch

She shows up at the worst time, at night. Especially when I need to be getting to bed. I have my running clinic in the morning, and the last thing I need is to get my heart racing when it's time to sleep.

I have been corresponding with a man who's music I like very much. Things seem to be going in a romantic direction in his mind, which is probably bad because he may be mentally unstable, but he is an artist so of course he is.

Now he wants me to be friends with his guitarist. I feel like this is also a romantic thing, but I am not going to cut things off just because of that. He had said we would be friends, so why worry about it? Well I was getting aquainted with the guitarist over IM, and the muse hit me again. When I start discussing creativity with people who practice it regularly I get this rush like "I want to be in that world!" because I know that I am creative, always have been, and I havent given myself the appropriate chance to express it since college. Probably since I went to that soul-crushing Catholic college.

So here I am inspired. I want to pull my keyboard down, but I just know I will get lost in it, and I really need to sleep.

I wish I could control her, but I suppose I havent tried yet. I am sure there are things I could learn about myself that could help me figure it out.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 1:15 AM links to this post

Monday, April 14, 2008

Big work news

While writing my last blog post, I recieved a text message about some big news that might affect my job.

Oh PLEASE let me still have a job after this!!!!!!!!

Labels: Career

posted by Diana Crabtree at 8:03 PM links to this post

Linda has been such a crab lately

I just had an annoying experience with Linda. We have an optional run club meeting at 6:30. Well at 6 I sent her a message on myspace (she was online) saying "do you still want to go?" about a minute later she sent me an e-mail saying "do you want to go?"

My charger was in my car, and my phone was off because of the battery, so I was glad to catch her online. I wrote back immediately and said "wow I just sent you the same message on myspace, hahahahahah" No response

At 6:08 I wrote "why dont we meet there" no response

At 6:17 I wrote "please write back so I know what you are planning" no response

I just decided to meet there, in case she read the e-mail and went straight there. I got ready and went to my car, and turned on the phone. I didn't listen to my messages because I wanted to save the battery for coordinating with her. When I called i noticed the signal in my fucking car was smoking! Something is screwed up about my windshield wipers, but I am too lazy/untrusting to have them fixed. So I was about to tell her that I was coming, but when I saw the smoke I started paniking and said I was going home. She said "thats fine" I hung up so I could turn to go home. It was rush hour traffic and I couldnt turn so I decided to go the extra 6 blocks to the run club and deal with it later (I feel too anxious now anyway) I called her and she said she isn't going.

When I got home I plugged in the phone and heard her messages. The first said she wanted to go, the second said "if you dont call me in 10 minutes I'm not going." I accept that it is my fault that my phone was shut off, but why did she e-mail me, and then not check to see if I e-mailed back. I mean, I e-mailed IMMEDIATELY after she sent hers. It almost feels like she subconciously wanted to not go, so she made it seem like it was my fault. So annoying.

This isn't the first time she has been this way. Last week she acted SO WEIRD. She had goodwill stuff, and it's always fun to dig through goodwill stuff. She has let me before, and I have let her before. So I said "fun! I want to look in there" and she was REALLY resistant. It was bizarre! I think it maybe because she was donating some things that I had given her from Mexico in High School.

I think the reason she gets this way with me is she married a dude with ADD. I like him, don't get me wrong, but he can be rude (or impulsive, if you prefer.) I feel like she is impatient with me, thinking I am just like her husband. Or, she has so much tension about her husband, that she holds it in and takes it out on me.

I sent her a text message taking full responsibility (not even mentioning the odd sending of an e-mail and not checking for a response) and she is yet to text me back. Oh well. I know this will blow over, but I hate that she is like this. She hates her job, she is in debt from her wedding, and she says her inhaler that she uses before running makes her agitated. Grrrrrr.

Labels: Linda

posted by Diana Crabtree at 7:41 PM links to this post

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I saw my "friend" I don't like- AGAIN!!!

I happened to be in a completely diffrent hub in the crew lounge, and who should walk in? Girl I dont like! EH!

She just makes me feel so awkward. Basically I can tell she is depressed or false (or both) she pretends to laugh at jokes which is really off-putting, and she pours on the compliments. She kept commenting on my hair, and today it was greasy and disgusting. People complimenting you about something you feel self-concious about is really off-putting.

She had said something about men, and I said "mmm, I am not going to date anymore, I am going to make music instead" instead of saying the normal thing "good plan" or laughing at me, she said something like "there is meaning in that" or some shit. And I said "yeah, meaning I dont want to date anymore, instead I want to fill my time with being creative" And this twat calls herself a "life coach."

Thats the thing that gets to me. This bitch NEEDS a life coach- OH! OH! there is more! I had a people magazine with JLo in it, and I was making fun of JLo's conspicuous consumption, and she defended it! I guess her spiritual path thinks mink wraps for babies is a great thing! (real folks, read it)

So, I decided to leave a little early, because I just wanted to get away, and she decided to come with! I told her my gate and she said she likes a bathroom around there. I was like "yeah, I like ones out of the way too" -best answer I could come up with. So I am walking and she wants to show me the place she hangs out or something. So I just want to stay at the top, and let her point to it, but she goes on down the escalator. So I'm like "eh, bye I guess" and she says "come down" and I'm trying to explain that I want to get to the gate, and she is asking about my times and saying I have time or something. So I come down the stupid escalator, and I'm like "eh, great bathroom...I guess" and she's like "I thought you needed to use the bathroom." Yeah, really weird.

So this woman creeps me out. I wish I never got buddy buddy with her, but on the surface she seems like a earthy-spiritual type. But get closer you realize she is a nutjob. And now she has my e-mail address. Ew. If I didn't work with her she would be cut out so fast. I felt icky.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 11:59 PM links to this post

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Yup, I don't like her

Have you ever had a friend, and one day realized "I don't like her/him?" I dont know how it is I came into being "friends" with this girl, but its official, I just dont like her. (this is "I dont need to vote because only god has power, not people" girl)

I have some story on my blog about her taking advantage of me giving her a ride, but I can't rember what fucking name I called her. Protecting peoples privacy is such a drag.

I wont stop being "friends" with her, because its work, and its better to have friends than enemies, but GOD I wish I didnt give her my e-mail address!

posted by Diana Crabtree at 11:06 PM links to this post

These things have nothing to do with eachother...or do they?

1. I just gave a girl my e-mail address. A little later whe I brought up politics she said something that implied that God has all control over everything, so she doesn't vote. Like voting is a waste of time because god is in control. Damn, and I already gave her my e-mail address.

2. I just ate a salad, and I realized, when I eat vegetables, I become happy. Not sure why, but it's pretty consistant. Next time I have a meltdown I will eat a veggie sandwich and see what happens.

The end.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 7:00 PM links to this post

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Minorly depressed

I can feel I am a bit depressed. I hope it doesnt last long. I hope it can be excorcised with art or something.

I had another awful dream, during a daytime nap I felt was my right, partially because I am working a "High-speed" tonight, which means 4 hours rest, which means I dont plan to sleep at all I think.

My dream involved Gene Simmons & Hugh Hefner, and a lot of dehumanizing of women. My reaction was a mix of pain and hedonism. I was happy to wake up, even if I had plenty of orgasms in my sleep.

By the way. Mike wrote me 2 e-mails last night. I think he wants a girlfriend without the effort or sex. whatever

posted by Diana Crabtree at 4:41 PM links to this post

I was pregnant

Last night, in my dream, until I woke up, I was pregnant.

It was exciting, but naturally it was scary. The father was a band member who was not my boyfriend, but was a very sweet guy who I was probably in the early stages of seeing. I had planned to tell him at six months for some reason.

Wow. That dream was intense. A little life was growing in my body. I was not as excited as I imagine I would be if I got pregnant (by accident) because reality was setting in, I couldnt work the hours I was working, and where would I live?

In my dream my family already knew I was pregnant, because I was in the background of a home video, rubbing my belly lovingly. Ha ha

WOW! that dream was INTENSE! I was relieved to wake up with a round, but empty belly.

posted by Diana Crabtree at 10:32 AM links to this post

...or maybe not

Perhaps this is not all about Charles, but Charles is the relationship I can manage to cope with. Barely, by the way. I have a picture of mike opened on my screen right now, and my brain keeps pushing away the way I felt. It's too raw. The worst part, is admitting that he doesn't feel the same way. It is such a violent blow. It's like I am the stupidest person on the planet. I feel that way a lot.

I think I have a very romantic mind. I just want to fall. Fall in love. If I am going to develop love over time I don't want to plan it that way. I wonder if I am unrealistic. Why did I fall for Mike so hard, so fast? He just matched what I wanted. I wanted a smart boy. A responsible boy. A boy I had chemistry with. A caring boy. Which right now I don't feel like he is, but he is, I am sure, feeling sad about hurting me. That's not of course what I want. I want him pining over me, but you cant want things into existance. I play the fool, once again.

You know who else comes in my mind everytime I break up with someone? New York Name Dropper guy. He was a first for me too. He was older than me (much older I learned later) and talking to him was one of (or maybe the first) time I connected with a man. I still pine for him now and then, but I know he lied to me, and was probably married. Also, (as his name implies) he was insecure, and hid behind the people he knows & works with. I remember being very impressed when I was suicidally depressed, and less impressed when my health returned. I believe he was also less impressed, with the less star-struck Diana, especially when he dropped names of people he worked before a weekend he was supposed to see me, but didn't. The message was clear "I was with important people" which of course, proved that the alternative, me, was not important.

3 guys who didn't treat me as important, just like my dad did, my only parent. I don't know if I enter patterns where men dont treat me as important, but I know I cant stand it when they don't.

Mo treated me well. Even though it was long distance. I guess I got sick of being on the phone.

wooh, that cry felt great!

posted by Diana Crabtree at 1:01 AM links to this post