Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Last Days in Uganda

Today Jennifer leaves, and I leave the day after tomorrow. I wish that I would have had more time and access to blog more often so I would have recorded my range of emotions, but I only blogged twice, so all you will see is this, I'm tired.

Vacations are tiring in general, but what is really tiring is being a Mzungu (white) in barganing Uganda. Everyone assumes you have a lot of money so they charge more for things if you are a Mzungu. Jennifer was a volunteer in Uganda so she had to keep her costs down to Ugandan prices, so I have learned just how much they inflate the prices for us.

So what am I to do when I am alone without Jennifer? Should I pay the prices they ask, knowing they are unfair? Should I bargain down to Ugandan prices, keeping the people from making money they could use (thats not an option, I am giving money to a Ugandan who needs it more, the orphan scholar.) So that means I have to bargain with people tomorrow, especially for transportation. That is so frustrating.

Tomorrow I am going to a chimp island to watch them feed. I will be paying $55 for the boat ride and the feeding. I hope it is worth it. I am scared, frankly, to be alone here. I don't think anything will happen to me, but I stand out like a sore thumb here and without Jen with me I will be more self-concious. the worst part will be the barganing.

There is an upside. Jen lived in Morocco for years, and if you even get eye contact there with someone you set yourself up to be harrassed, so she can seem a little cold. I wonder if I will have a better experience since I am a warm person, or maybe I will have a worse experience since I will look more like a target.

People really do see white skin as equivilent to wealthy. Many white Americans are unable to distinguish different classes of black people, it appears many Ugandans are unable to distinguish different classes of white people. We were in a ritzy hotel yesterday and no one seemed to notice that we really didn't belong there.

I hoped that this trip would change me, unfortunately it didn't change me the way I hoped. Instead of being inspired to dedicate my life to helping, it has hardened me. I can now see the lifestyle of people in the poorest parts of the world, am aware just how much of the world is like that, and so see that the problems are too big for me to make a noticible dent.

On the other hand, I feel very excited about sponsoring the orphan. He has great potential, and I feel that the money that goes to his education will help exponentially, unlike a meal handed to a beggar. I will keep you up to date with his progress.

And I do have the bug in me. I want to go to India next summer. I know now that I can handle witnessing the poverty. And after feeling important, being treated like I was a volunteer, when really I was just a tourist, felt good. Maybe if I went back to school and became a Physical Therapist I could feel that again. I could donate time offering Physical Therapy to people who cant afford it.

I don't know how I feel when I get back, maybe I will wish I was back here, maybe I will be glad I am home with my privledges like free running water, flushing toilets, and set prices. It will probably be both.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Safe and Happy in Uganda

(email sent to friends and family)

Well, maybe not safe. Here in Kampala we are required to walk in front of moving cars just to cross the street, but I am happy.

The NGO that my former roommate Jennifer is working with has not turned out to be ideal, but some of the volunteers for the organization are really great. We have been working with a man named Joseph who is not only dedicated to the community, but has been really helpful to us, and a fun companion to travel with.

We visited one of the orphan schools, and one boy named Yusef was really enthusiastic and good at English. I have decided to pay his school fees so he can go to a government school, where he is more likely to go to "University." It's only like $40 a year! (plus notebooks, pencils etc.) I visited his house, he lives in a beautiful, round, thatch roofed house which is very cool. Like me, he has some lovely aunts who are looking after him. He is 13, yet still very polite.

Between myself, Jennifer, and Joseph, we have taken 800 pictures, so be cautious before asking to see them, just kidding, I will narrow them down, I cant wait to share them.

I hope everyone is enjoying May as much as I am! I am 30 today you know!


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Tired of Uganda

May 22, 5:27 PM

Have I been here 5 days? I am tired. The novelty is wearing off. The kids scream “Bye Mzungu!” whenever we walk by, and people stare at us. Some of the kids mock us and talk in this weird nasaly voice, saying “Hi, how are you?“ apparently that is how we Mzungus talk. Jennifer and I have joked that we are like hippos to them. They are on a boat tour of Lake Mburu, and we are the hippos they are looking at.

To add to the abnoxiousness of some (not all) of the people, there is the NGO that Jennifer is working at. the head of it sees Jennifer’s work as unimportant, he sees her as a bag of money. I think his plan is to get these volunteers from the west, have them meet the orphans and see the community, and then go back to their friends and family and raise money. Jennifer is not playing the role he expected her to play. She put in a large quantity of money for transportation, and the driver only did 6 hours of work, half the time not picking her up from the field (where she had been walking all day) so she had to walk back.

I just arrived to the apartment, and found in the back when I wanted to wash dishes that there is no water. And in the back of the courtyard there were baby wipes spread everywhere, the creepy cleaning lady shuffles through our garbage whenever we put it out. I didn’t mention that these baby wipes were covered in urine, a little neighbor boy had sweatpants on that were so wet from urine that when he climbed up onto a chair they squeegied urine onto the chair and the floor. We used at least a half a dozen baby wipes cleaning it up, and …

Ending this post to play with neighbor kids

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Oli Malalu

Well it’s day three that I have been in Uganda, and it feels like I have been here for two weeks. A lot of living and a lot of stimulation has taken place in this short time. Frankly I am shocked that it has been only three days.

Right now, for the first time being here, I am weary. It was to be expected, I am in a hot place, very different, with a lot going on and no personal space. I just snapped at some little hooligans that stuck their heads in the room. I like them when they are out in the street, but they will come in the room…(ended for some reason)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

This is the Picadilly line, servicing Cockfosters

Well so far today has been a success. I am through security for my Entebbe flight, so all that is left is getting on the flight, which I doubt will be a problem to Uganda. OH MY FUCKING GOD! I'm going to Uganda! This is so exciting! I am not scared at all, just excited, even though I have no energy to be excited.

After I got my listing squared away (boy did that take a lot of effort!) I took my bags to "Left Baggage" and walked to the underground station. The man at the ticket booth didn't think I had enough time to go to central London. I asked him if there was anywhere near by and he suggested Earl's Court. I bought a two way pass to Earls's court and hopped on the tube.

While on board I chatted with a British man and asked him what I should do. I told him that Earl's Court had been suggested, and he thought that it was a very bad idea. He told me to go to the Liechester station and he couldn't have been more right. I walked all around the area, around Picadilly Circus, by Westminster Abbey and Big Ben, and even by the big ferris wheel, which I could have gone to had that man not advised me against it.

So you would think I would be on cloud nine, walking around the streets of London. But I wasn't. I was hardly impressed. I am just so Jet Lagged and sleep deprived. Now I understand why that flight attendant titled her book "Around the world in a bad mood." I was walking around the streets of London, but part of the time it felt like any other street. But then every few minutes I would think "I'm in London, that's pretty cool" and even feel slightly happy. I haven't felt much happy or excitement today. I don't have the energy to be happy or excited. It's sort of funny, I saw the streets of London in a comatose state, seriously! I was really only half-concious to experience it.

I took pictures of things that looked like I was supposed to take pictures of them. I took a picture of a fountain in Picadilly circus, some tall monument with a statue on top of it, some guys on horses looking really serious and official, and some arch. Of course I knew I was supposed to take pictures of the houses of parliament and Big Ben, and WOW was it amazing! I wished I could have gone inside, it cost 10 pounds to go into westminster abbey, so I skipped that.

Unfortunately I have spent over $100 today, and I don't any luxurious experiences or purchaces to show for it. I spent TONS of money on the underground, because I didn't figure out how to use the turnstyles right, and I spent 19 pounds, nearly $40 on a bus from gatwick to heathrow. What a rediculous waste! All I have to show for my day was 2 coffees, some lentils and rice, a magnet, and my bags being held for a few hours. It is really gross to think of how much I spent here. Just gross.

The best part of the day might have been when I decided to get off at a suburban stop to have lunch/dinner. It was a huge strip mall lasting 5 blocks, but less geared towards tourists, and more geared towards it's multicultural residents.

I was going to spend a few days in London when I was done in Uganda, I am having second thoughts. I may want to go to stonehenge, but I don't think I want to play tourist around London anymore. It was a little boring and lonely. I suppose if I went to a youth hostle I might meet people, but even so, it was so expensive, and I would rather save my money for a trip to India.

I have my hopes high that I can make up some of my lost sleep on the plane to Entebbe tonight, and have more energy and enthusiasm for the day tomorrow. I imagine when I see the prices of things I will be a lot more energized too.

Plugged into a weirdly shaped outlet.

There was a cute police officer a moment ago who walked into a room. He looked straight at me and I smiled and said "hello" he nodded and said "alright" tee hee hee hee hee hee

I am sitting under a sign that says "reserved seating" I think it is very sweet that these seats were reserved for me to plug in my computer. Don't be concerned, I am using a power converter. I learned my lesson the hard way about that when I was in Denmark and I melted my 2" barrel curling iron, which weren't sold again for years.

So I am here at Heathrow, after buying a 19 pound ticket to get here from Gatwick. I got about 21 pounds from the exchange place for about 50 dollars, so does that mean I spent 40-50 dollars to go from one airport to another? Bollocks! I will have to find an alternate route to get back.

On the way I saw some sheep and goat farms and what I think was a wild swan. That was pretty cool. Considering it is 5:30AM for me right now I think I am keeping a pretty good attitude. I am not as excited as I really should be, but I am happy to be here.

I am in a bit of a predicament. It is 10:45AM here and I go out at 9:15PM. I have two HUGE bags. So I am sortof stuck at the airport here. Wait. I asked a man about it and he told me about something called "left luggage" Now I can actually do something with my day, besides sit in the airport. How'd that be, instead of blogging I be out in London, experiencing something to blog about!

Cheers from the London Heathrow Airport!

Right now I am sitting at a Starbucks in the Heathrow airport terminal 4. Yes, it's a sick thing to be in London at a Starbucks, but it was there, and I just wanted coffee and to look at my flights. I don't have to leave until 9PM, so I have an hour available to just chill out.

It's important that I be here at the coffee shop. It's 4:44 central time. I don't know how long I can stay in the spot I am, there is an annoying American girl sitting a table away meeting up with a long lost boyfriend I think. It wouldn't be so annoying if she had a british accent, then I could bask in her british annoyingness, instead it's no different than being annoyed at home. I would rather be annoyed in a british manner.

It was so exciting being...OH GOD SHUT UP! She is talking in this flirty upbeat manner, like she is trying to hard. Yuck. So yeah, it was exciting getting on the flight, maybe my gut instinct was to be trusted. The difference is I booked first class. By doing that it bumped me into a different category than all of the passengers switching from...THANK GOD ALMIGHTY THEY ARE LEAVING!...the other flight. I think bad weather in another big hub helped the situation.

So yeah, first class, or "world business class." It was on an A330 which meant it had these airplane beds, or I should call them "pods" that layed down all the way and had a round head cover. The head cover was a disappointment, I thought it would be over our heads enough to create a sort of wall, but there was enough elbow room that it wasn't a big deal. It didn't hurt that I was sitting next to a 20 year old sailor from Notre Dame, so I didn't mind us laying side by side without a privacy screen.

Let me share with you the cuisine I enjoyed. It began with crispy bread with a chicken spread and a tomato basil spread. The next course was mixed greens with Balsamic and olive oil vinagrette dressing with caramalized onions and a skewer with tomato, olive and cheese. For the main course I enjoyed a tender roasted chicken breast on a bed of creamy leeks with basmati rice and haricot vert. (I think thats pronounced "Harry-Ko-Vehr") For dessert was fresh fruit, Brie and Spanish Campos de Guadamur with light table crackers and Ben & Jerry's Vanilla ice cream. For breakfast was fruit, yogurt and pastries.

Oh shite! My battery is getting low innit? bollocks. More later.

Bye Mzungu

Last night, before I boarded the plane to Entebbe, I met the head of a large Ugandan children’s organization, she inherited it from her mother and was happily moving to England, and leaving the organization to someone else. She warned me not to trust any Ugandans, she said they will tell you any sob story to get your sympathy, and scam you. I appreciated the warning, but I wish she would have said “don’t trust any Ugandan“ , it would be more appropriate to say “don’t trust anyone who asks you for things.” or “don’t give anyone anything.”

I got on the flight and sat next to a prominent grandpa and grandma type. It was not as comfortable as the first class experience I had the night before, I had a hard time sleeping. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom, and the grandma had put her bag under my seat and her bouquet of flowers on my seat. When I returned instead of a “oops, sorry” she asked me if that was my purse under the seat. She was quite the princess. I saw a yellow card on the floor and picked it up and handed it to her. She said to me “Moh” I said “huh?” and she pointed to the ground and said “Moh!” There was another one on the ground, I guess it was my job to pick it up for her too, since I picked up the first one.

I got off the plane and the climate and vegetation were different. There were a dozen people waiting at the bottom of the steps as we got off the plane. There was also a marching band standing a ways away, but not in lines or playing anything, they looked like they could be military. After I bought my visa there were two lines, one if you had something to declare, one if you didn’t. The one that didn’t went straight out the door. Jennifer and Roger were waiting for me in the crowd. Jennifer looked skinny and tan, Roger was much younger than I expected, I expected the leader of an organization to be in their 40’s.

We took a hired car to an office of a Japanese Buddhist’s office where we left our stuff, and then we walked around the streets of Kampala. Kampala is scary as hell. These big taxi vans and motorcycles go barreling through the streets at crazy speeds, and there doesn’t seem to be any road rules, at all. If you step in front of a taxi, it will hit you.

We went to the grocery store with no A/C and got supplies, and then we went to “Peace” restaurant where we met “Mama” who greeted Jennifer with a huge hug where she buried Jennifer’s head in her bosom, and gave me a big welcome hug when she met me. While there I ate Posho, (corn meal) matooke, (banana paste) a turkey leg, rice, chapati (flat bread) and peas. It was all very good food. We alo drank “mirinda fruity” a grape-y soda.

After lunch I was in for the scare of my life. We got on boda-bodas, (motorcycle taxis) and wove through the fast, twisting traffic, at one point actually getting in between two idling taxis, one in front of the other, but we made it back to the office alive. Then we went off to the bus to Lytonde. We walked while Roger took two huge suitcases on a boda-boda. While waiting for the bus we bought a Luganda-English book. We had a lot of fun asking people who wanted to buy things “Oli Mulalu?” “Are you mad?”

We sat on the bus for an hour or so. I took picture after picture, which turned out very professional looking. Some of them are very haphazardly framed, but that actually captures the energy of the city. We got off the bus in Lyantonde and in seconds little children started saying “Mzungu!” and waving. Mzungu means white, and the children seem to see us as some sort of celebrities. As we walk down the street we can hear “Mzungu!” or “Bye Mzungu” (meaning hi) I think it’s adorable, but Jennifer, having lived here for two months, seems tired of it.

The room she stays in is very nice. I was expecting a mut hut in the field, but this has a locking door inside a courtyard with a shared hole in the cement floor around the corner for a bathroom. We played with some kids at the beginning, one which has an infection in his eyes that his mom can get fixed for free, but hasn’t, and he will go blind if she doesn’t. We walked around the area for awhile and then returned to the room. Suddenly we hear “Geev me my bohttle” over and over under the door. “Geev me my bohttle” “Geev me my bohttle” over and over. It was one of the girl we were playing with earlier. There was a water bottle on the windowsill, Jennifer figures she was practicing her English.
In the evening we walked, through the pitch black streets, to a little restaurant where we had beer and pork skewers with cassava, tomatoes, and avacado. I wore a dress that Jennifer had custom made for $12, but was way to big for her.

The weird thing is this whole time, whether in London or Uganda, I haven’t felt I was somewhere foreign. It’s just streets with people. In Africa they happen to mostly be black, and the sanitary conditions are not as nice as they are for us (or safety conditions, I saw a mom with a baby on a boda-boda- no helmets) But it’s just people.

Maybe I need more sleep, who knows. Or maybe I have something figured out. Maybe I am right to not see things as exotic, but to recognize our similarities, the only differences being our environments. Who knows. All I know is I am tired. I did a lot of living today.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Perspective, people!

I really need to get my perspective back. Isn't that the point of this trip? I am going to be with children with no parents, and I am whining because I can't get on a flight to London for $80? Puh-leeeez.

I'm just tired. This up all night idea was a cute one, but it only kept in mind the time I was on the plane. Yes, I will want to fall right to sleep on the plane, but I also will want to fall right to sleep before getting on the plane.

It is six o'clock. They will be boarding soon. Shucks. I don't have a chance to get on this flight and I ought to face it. I am going to Ashram's house instead of going home. I don't want to face Raina.

This is part of the package in non-rev flying. Just face it. But the thing is, if I had a real job making 35,000 a year, I would have 15,000 spare to travel. And that would be positive space.

I wish I was more eloquent right now. I might change as a person from this trip. I have so much to examine about my goals and what I have.

They are boarding right now. They haven't called my name.


Round one of Uganda trip

I got cocky. I just had this good feeling in my gut that I would get on. Boy was that an incorrect instinct. Another airline has sent all their passengers to the London flight I was hoping to get on, and that makes me mad. A competitor's airline passengers get on a flight before a subsidiarie's employee.

So now I will likely have to go home. I really don't want to have to face my roommate, she is probably so mad at me. I figured if I was gone for 3 weeks she might forget she hates me, likely story. What a waste, I so dont have the energy to care about her liking me or not. And indifference like that never leads to a close friendship.

Something else that is getting me mad is if I don't make this flight, then I won't get to Uganda until saturday. Jennifer only had one day of volunteer work planned, so what is going to be the first to go? I am not as interested in a safari as these children. I am getting so irate as I type. I don't think I have a right to be upset, of course paying passengers should come first.

Good news, apparently Chicago is closed, maybe there will be misconnects. Wish me luck.

2:03 AM and nothing to do

I decided to stay up all night so I can sleep on the plane to London. Unfortunately, I was keeping my roommate up thanks to our squeaky floors, and so now a lot of the things I need to get done are off limits, like carrying things in and out of the apartment etc.

So now, while trying to stay up all night, I am sortof sequestered to my room. Shit. That is going to make staying up all night much harder. GRRRRR.

And I haven't written about this much but I don't think my roommate likes me, and sadly I don't really care. Maybe I have written about this already, if I haven't I did at least write it all in my head.

Here's how I feel about my roommate, she is going to Tufts, she was just in Nicaragua doing development, besides the fact that all people are equal, she is superior to me in many ways. There is nothing I can do to change that fact. I was suicidal because I wasn't at her level, what I always thought I should be. So if she thinks shes better than me, let her. I don't think I am terribly inconsiderate, a little messy yes, but thats it.

One thing I noticed is we never reached the relaxed warmth stage. It has always been formal. I have let my guard down a little, but I haven't felt her letting hers down. And I haven't reached out to her much. Fucking Tera ruined me I swear. But again, it's so sad. I just don't care. Like me or don't like me. Big deal.

Thing is she will be here the rest of the summer. Three months is long enough to have a blowout. There already was a minor one, she likes the door locked at all times, and she asked me to keep it locked and I forgot, so she put up a sign. She didn't do it in a passive aggressive way, and she even made a point of letting me know she didn't do it in a passive agressive way, but even so I could tell she was frustrated.

And there have been times I have noticed she was really tense. Seriously, the only reason someone could be tense like that would have to be the mess, or more accurately the less than perfectness of the house, or just finding me annoying, which is also dumb, because she is more annoying than I am.

And I always go back to the superiority thing. I have observed that it must be human nature to not like someone who lives a lifestyle like me (bumming in my room on the computer instead of being active and social.) While logically the way your roommate lives shouldn't bother you as long as it doesn't affect you, I couldn't say that I might not pass judgement myself if the tables were turned. It's just intuition. I cant say for sure that it isn't partially a reflection of my own insecurities.

Well enough of this post. I am going to dick around the web a little while longer until I have given her enough time to fall asleep, then I might do my last minute things and then bounce. If I am at the airport, or in the airport parking lot, I can do what needs to be done, without the worry about disturbing someone else.

OH! And before I go. I want to say that as "superior" as her education and aid work may be to mine, I am at peace. I know that the reason I am where I am in my life is because of my childhood experiences, and that I have really done well for myself in regards to what I have had available to me. I cant compare myself to her, expecting myself to be as advanced as her because she had two parents, a stable home life, and encouragement, if I had those things who knows where I would be. She is not superior to me, even if she has more "accomplished" by the worlds standards.

Monday, May 14, 2007

So good, so so good.

I am in a good place right now.

I just went on a date with someone from online personals, and we really clicked. The date was sort of ending and he said he was debating whether to walk around the lake since it was so nice out. I walked with him partway and then we ended up walking around the whole lake. It was like we were from the same mind. Problem was, when he saw me, he didn't seem pleased with what he saw.

I was so annoyed by that, I found him absolutely adorable, but a little preppy, (I felt out of my league I hate to admit) and so as usual I was ready to accept my fate. After a half hour or so I suggested we wrap it up so he didn't get stuck in the rain. He declined and we continued to talk. And he also was the one who sort of extended it out after the fact, into a lake walk.

So it was a pleasant evening, we even talked about sex, but the evening was very platonic. (I did notice him looking at my breasts a few times though.- but it's not like that means anything coming from a man) I am not ready to give up on him yet, but I take my gut instinct seriously and am not going to let myself get lost in romantic fantasies that there is something there that might not be.

In the end though, I just know I am in a good place. A little of my insecurity showed itself, so I will need to work on that, but all in all I held my own. Ugh, yeah, he wasn't interested in that way I think. And I wasn't interested in that way either, but that is only because he wasn't interested, if he was interested I would think he is hot.

Waaah, now I wish he was attracted to me, he was just right. I guess when I make the choice of not being on weight watchers, I am making the choice that some people will not be attracted to me. That's the choice I make. Speaking of making choices, meeting him really solidified it for me that I made the right choice breaking up with Charles. Were just from different worlds. Waah

Afterthought: You know, looking at my picture on the personals site, he knew I was fat. Maybe with my hair back I don't look as cute, but knowing this I feel a little more confident. And when asking if my shoes were ok to go down a hill, I said yes, I chose these instead of my cute ones so I could walk, and then he complimented the ones I was wearing. Mixed signals. I am not going to get my hopes up, but I am not going to rule it out as a possibility.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Stupid shit

All this talk about a crazy pilot and my wanting to make out with him is just silly. Its just nothing.

I can't believe what I am about to face. A country full of death. A country full of children with no parents because they are dead. I know what it feels like to be a child and feel so powerless and afraid and alone.

I know that what I am thinking is going to happen, that I am going to hug an orphan and make them happy for a moment, it's just insulting. It minimizes their pain, trivializes it. I feel like my one week volunteering is no better than no weeks volunteering. It's a novelty act.

I am bringing some teddy bears, hand knitted to the children. I hope that makes a difference. But to say "someone loves you" is nothing. When I was a kid, if someone said "someone loves you" I would think- well where are they? I felt that with my family, they supposedly loved me, so why couldn't they take me out of that house, in squalor with my dad always drunk. I think of the intensity of my pain, and so I know that my experience cannot touch the intensity of their pain. I feel like reaching out to them is cruel, because I cant give them anything, so it's like false hope at best, insulting at least.

And I am embarrassed to write this, I have been bragging about the orphans. My intention of talking about it is partially just processing it, but I am also bragging. Their incredible pain is my "I'm so caring" badge. I'm fucking embarrassed.

I have some Thich Nhat Hahn & Suzuki books to take me through it.

I hope I can do something that will help.

If I am attracted to a guy, something must be wrong with him

This afternoon when I saw the F/O, who I really like, I said "Hey! Were going to chinatown tonight!" and he said "I'm not going with him" (the captain) he said "he is fucking nuts!" Yup, if I am attracted to a guy, he is probably nuts.

And he turned out to be, yup, nuts. Fortunately the F/O was sweet enough to come with (when I pointed out it would be like a date if he didn't come, he caved, what a sweety) Yeah, so the repellant feeling I felt had to do with physical attraction, but it also had to do with, um, him being repellant!

He talked about getting in trouble at work because his girlfriend's husband called his boss. He talked about drinking and driving. He talked about shooting Hmong people. He talked about getting arrested a number of times. The guy is as bad news as you can get!

I am so tired, I walked around chinatown all day. I just think it's funny that after I know how disgusting he is, when I sense him looking at me or when he touched me (getting change) I get physically aroused. I wonder if it's the "bad boy" thing. But hes not a bad boy, he's a loose cannon.

The thing about mental health is, when you are mentally unhealthy, you cant recognize mentally unhealthy people as well, because it is normal to feel not-at-ease. As I have grown healthier I notice that when I am around mentally unstable people I feel very uncomfortable, and I see them as the problem, not me.

Side note. The chinatown has jelly candy not legal in the US anymore because it chokes kids. It is so yummy, the texture of it is like a french kiss, literally, It is very erotic candy. I got a tub of it.

Friday, May 11, 2007

I can make out with my captian tomorrow if I want to

So what should I do?

Him and I have a little history. He liked me and we started IMing (for like half a day) and then he didn't write back to me and that was the end. I remember that I said some pretty dorky things throughout the short time we interacted, and that was the end of that. After awhile I sort of started hating him. He acted aloof (I dont remember why I hated him) I do remember him telling me he was from the military and bad with girls, and I remember him proving to me that he is bad with girls by commenting that I was wearing a sweater, and that he remembered an old shirt I used to wear he could see down when I groomed the plane- oh yeah! Thats probably why I hated him.

But I heard a rumor that he just had a baby, and that softened me up. Also what softened me up is I saw I had to fly with him, and so I waved at him when I saw him, usually I just pretend I didn't see him, or that he doesn't exist.

So first thing when he walked onto the plane I had an opening line to break the awkwardness "I heard a rumor about you" he said "oh yeah?" and I said "I heard you had a baby" I asked if he had a picture to show me and he said yeah. A few minutes later, without me prompting, he brought his camera to me and started showing me pictures. The baby was beautiful, but nothing compared to the way this guy beamed. The pictures of him with his baby were SO HOT! He was so soft and it is so apparent that he is totally in love with that child. He mentioned that his wife and him are seperating, which makes me sick since the baby looks less than one year old! Welcome to the Airlines.

So tomorrow we are going to chinatown!!! That sounds like so much fun! I never do fun things on an overnight! I just know, by the way he asked me if I was buying the first round of drinks on the overnight that he plans to go in for the kill. (I learned this behavior from the pilot I kissed- it's all premeditated at the beginning of the trip)

So, bringing up the first pilot I kissed on a flight, I learned some lessons from that. One, it was completely awkward the next day. Not just awkward, mental torture. Two, when I found out that dork of a captian kissed many flight attendants, I felt so embarrassed, like this dork has enough game to get me to make out with him, and I am supposedly "different" than most girls. And three, how did I learn that he kisses a lot of flight attendants? Because I was TELLING SOMEONE I kissed him. So if I talked, likely they all talk. (But, if I don't put out, then what do they talk about?) That was the most important lesson I learned, DONT HAVE SEX! That is just too intimate with someone at work. If I am dating them fine, but not on an overnight.

And one thing I realized tonight, when I was thinking about how much I hate this Captain, what is intense hate, when it doesn't match the circumstances? (yeah he said he could see down my shirt, but in a clueless boy way, not in a way intended to make me uncomfortable) so what does it sometimes mean when you find someone repellant with great intensity? That it is actually attraction, covered up.

I do like staring at his face. His ethnic background is half indian half chinese, and he looks a lot like Tony Kanal from no doubt. He has bad skin and is short. And he is so stiff. And yet I am so facinated by his face. When he talks, about whatever dumb thing he talks about, I just look, in awe, like hypnotized. It really makes no sense why I am so drawn to him.

What does make sense is why I find him repellant. He is Republican from what I remember, he is from Texas and drives an SUV. Yuck. But somehow he is Buddhist. They make Republican Military Buddhists? Who knew.

So the decision hasn't been made yet, but I feel like I know the answer. Of course I will make out with him. As if I can resist making out with someone when I have the chance. I can resist if I (or they) have a partner, but if everything is on the ethical up and up, I can't control myself. It's like saying no to a free chocolate cupcake with sprinkles on it. You wouldn't actually turn that down would you? Maybe you would turn down the whole cake (you know what I'm saying) but what harm is one little cupcake going to do? But then again, I can resist someone when I have the chance, I resisted sexy cowboy swagger pilot, (but maybe I sensed that he had a girlfriend, which I learned, he did)

I'll tell you how it goes!

Oh fuck! I cant let him near my boobs because they leak, and I dont feel like explaining! But having a clothes-on rule could keep that issue from happening... (but what fun is that?)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I have good news and bad news, what would you like first?

I'll start with the good news...I'm not aware of it.

The bad news is...I'm fat.

Yup. Quite fat. I never told you this, but last time I went shopping I found shirts in XXL and my bra is 40DD. I don't feel that big, but apparantly I am. Part of it could be I am not in denial as much. Like squeezing myself into a size large, just to tell myself I am size large, now I am looking for a good fit, and XXL is it (at least XL)

Today I was at Target getting last minute Uganda things, I tried on some clothes and caught a glimpse of my back. Holy backfat batman, it was bad.

I am in love with the idea of the cartoonist/film guy in LA. A boy that I might actually like not tolerating my body, but loving it. For a fatty I have great proportions and a pretty face, so I could be considered attractive if you like a chubby gal. I would move to LA and marry him if I wasn't already moving to Niger and marrying the ostrich DNA splicer.

I should be packing for Uganda but I am too tired (I just went to see a band do Pink Floyd while I was completely sober. I am glad I did it)

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

A step in the right direction

I didn't want to come inside today. I finally did, at 9:25PM when it was so dark out that I couldn't see the keys on my keyboard anymore.

I am going in the right direction. I already feel different this summer than I did last summer. I am getting out. Going for a walk yesterday was really a big deal for me. The social phobia tells me that everyone is staring at and evaluating. I also hated the awkwardness of getting eyecontact or not, and if so, when. But I got out there. Sunglasses and headphones helped a lot. And when I am feeling just right, sometimes I LIKE the feeling of being out with people (more often than not, nowadays) going for a walk around the lake is sort of like "seeing and being seen" feeling for me. Like a nightclub but healthy.

And now I am sitting on my blanket playing on the computer, (not RIGHT now, but now, in my life) and the summer has just started, I am going to try, when it is a nice day, to always get outside, every time. I won't force myself to be social, but I so want to get out of my bedroom. Maybe the computer can be like a security blanket to get myself out there, and eventually I can graduate to reading books out there.

And the doc doesn't think I need to quit Risperdal, which means whatever successes I am having can compound on each-other for awhile. Maybe in the future I will have to get off it, but hopefully by then I will have made more gains, and like now, feel more at home in a healthy mind than an unhealthy mind (one of the biggest problems with mental illness.)

Milky Boob Update

I went to the doctor today, she said that the lactation shouldn't be a big enough deal to quit Risperdal, in the end I am relieved. I had some blood tests, but she seemed to think I am going to be ok.

So now my hopes of being sexually promiscous have been dashed. Now if I am going to have sex with someone I will have to be able to tell them that I have milky nips and it's because I take an anti-psychotic medication (that'll help them get it up!) I suppose I could just tell them about the vaccines, because that was a part of it.

The lactating has really gone down, the first day they were just bursting, but now I have to squeeze around to get just a tiny dot to come out. Hopefully it will subside even more. (Unless it makes me lose weight ;) )

It's just beautiful here! I hope to get in another walk today!

The Date

The date took place at a coffee shop in the neighborhood with an Indian store I like, so I left a little early and stopped there for some incense. When I was there a man let me ahead of him in line. I bought some candy, which was 5 for a dollar, and gave him one. When I was in my car he tapped on my window and asked me out, it was a nice way to boost my confidence before the date.

So the date, well he was chubby, bald, facial hair, and a little bit of a lazy eye. But he was nice. We walked around a warehouse full of art studio/galleries. He is a painter and has a comic strip he is trying to get published. (and he has a bank job- so not a starving artist) Most of the galleries were closed, but there was art in the hallway, and the building itself was really cool.

The conversation went okay, but I really didn't click with him at the Charles level. In the end I found myself inviting him to go to a concert one day (huh? why'd I do that?) because in my head I was thinking "I don't want him to be my boyfriend, but I would go to concerts with him" so of course in his head he thinks I am all into him.

So I hug him goodbye, and it's kind of okay. Then he walks me to my car and we hug again, and he asks me for a kiss and I say "I'm not sure yet" and before I know it he has given me a short kiss me with tounge.

So I am in my car driving away and I realize I am a little turned on...(huh?) Maybe I should sleep with him, and the guy I met today, and the sexy librarian I am corresponding with, and the guy in LA who is a "F.A." (fat admirer) -oh, by the way, he responded to my New Kadampa Tradition e-mail, but then I wrote him again, and said, playfully, "If they say giving them money will get you closer to nirvana, send it to me first, that gets you more Karma" and he didn't write back, we have written daily for the last week at least. Shit. I had a crush on him :(

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

First Date

I am on my way to my first online personals date.

My instincts are already telling me no. He keeps using the word "zen" to describe Buddhism. He said in an e-mail "There are many kinds of Zen" I even corrected him indirectly by saying "Have you ever explored any other branches of Buddhism besides Zen? Like Tibetan Buddhism or Theravada Buddhism?" I don't think it worked.

He also told me he was going to wear a wig, an obvious joke, and I said, "what kind of wig are you going to wear?" and that was his cue to say "I was thinking a big red afro" or something, instead he said "I was joking." UH, just writing this I don't even want to go on this date. Oh well

I think it might be hasty to decide no without meeting them, but no, I don't mean that, this date is going to suck.

Wish me luck!

Cheer for me

I was mildly depressed the last few days. I am convinced it is because I went without medication for 2 days (I took extra SSRI's to compensate, but those take a little while to build up in your body)

Well now I am in my workout clothes, and am going to go on a walk :) Thats the thing about depression, when you need to be living healthily (when you are depressed) you are unmotivated. It's quite the vicious circle.

I am grateful to be not-depressed again. When I laughed out loud to my Grandpa's scaring-the-dog story I thought "hey- this is nice!" And one thing I noticed when I was depressed is at least I knew it, I knew my thinking was skewed, and before therapy I didn't see my thinking as skewed, I just thought the world sucked and that I was a terrible loser.

Enough typing, more walking.

I love my Grandpa

I didn't tell you this, because I was tired off my ass, but my Grandpa just sent me the most rediculous check last week. He has made the very kind choice to give me the money he would have given my mother, and as time passes he ditributes more and more.

I called him today to thank him, and we had a great conversation. He says he feels old and forgetfull, but not that he sees the end coming (a big check like this worried me) He sounded really good actually.

He made me laugh out loud, he told me a story about trying to learn the violin, but everytime he practiced the dog would leave and not come back for hours. But the best part of the conversation was, I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said he wanted me to be doing something that makes me happy, as in he supports my choice to be a flight attendant. He even was supportive when I told him I was unsure if I should go back to school or go to an airline that flies internationally. That meant so much to me.

Grandpa was the one I was most worried about being disappointed in me. He was a college professor, and education is very valued in the family. But he, like it seems everyone in the family, have been very supportive. I think they all saw how hard I took it when I dropped out of college (well, I guess I dropped out because I was suicidal, not the other way around, but I was suicidal because I knew I couldn't finiah college.) I am so grateful for their support.

Minus my dad, I am very lucky to have the family I do. They are pretty great. My dad isn't horrible either, but he really let me down when I really needed him, and I see he is trying to make it right, and he is taking care of himself, so I should be happy about that.

Monday, May 07, 2007

White people in robes

I really feel the desire to find a sanga (spiritual community) right now, but as I research it online, I find all of these white people in robes. Their hair may be short, but I know a former hippie when I see one.

I'm a hippie, I know I'm a hippie, but I can't help but feel really self concious in a room full of white people bowing and meditation. Thats the point, I AM a hippie, and so when I see all of these like minded people, I am looking at myself. I think they look a little silly, frankly. All the bowing looks silly. Bowing is powerful, it helps you to break down the ego, but, it looks silly.

I think what I have to do is meet with a head of a sangha, and maybe tell them how I am feeling. I bet if I did they would laugh and say something that makes me at ease. (Or something that challenges me, not puts me at ease, but is useful to me)

I am such a western stereotype that I want to walk in a room and be surrounded by Asian monks. But I don't want to walk into a room full of Asian monks and be me, I want to walk into a room full of Asian monks and be me on the inside but on the outside blend right in.

I will say, the Asian monks I have run into I REALLY liked. They really had a peaceful aura about them. I think that the difference between them and these whiteys is the self conciousness. And I shouldn't say whiteys I should say American whiteys because I can only speak of my own people. The whiteys, as peaceful as they are, were raised in America. I am sure if I saw an Asian-American monk they would have that same self conciousness.

But I keep saying SELF conciousness. By labeling them "whiteys" I am strengthening the ego's belief in "self." Maybe I am right on target by seeing myself as an Asian male monk. I am recognizing that we are the same, but for some reason I am resisting seeing myself as the same as my hippie bretheren.

Am I ashamed of my background and the person I am inside? I am a hippie child, running around in the rain in thrift store clothes. I have been judged negatively and not understood why. Perhaps if my mom was still alive I would have rejected the rejection, not internalized it. I am proudly a hippie, but yet I still distance myself from the hippies. (the ones not in my family that is)

I think that is the trick, talk to the head person. Talk about it.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

New Kadampa Tradition

Okay, I sent an email to the boy in LA about the New Kadampa Tradition.

The way I wrote it was "I was researching what lineage I wanted to follow, and I found this info about NKT, did you know there is all this controversy?" He has never been with another "Sangha" (like church pretty much) so this is his only exposure to Buddhism he's had (a girlfriend got him into it- how else do people get into cults?) So it could be that he, like any westerner, has no clue what is normal and not normal Buddhist teachings, so if they tell you "pray to this diety and you get material wealth" they have no idea that that is not Buddhist. I can say, however, that the moment I saw the webpage he directed me to, I felt that something wasn't right about it.

If he never writes to me again, I know he's a cult member.

Did I stop a terrorist attack?

...maybe, or maybe I snitched on a druggy.

Today while walking out of the airport there was a man and a family standing inside the doors going outside. The man stopped me like he needed help finding something (I was in uniform) I smiled and said "what do you need?" and I think he said never mind. He was breathing heavily, he looked REALLY nervous. Something was really not right about this guy.

I walked out to the bus shelter where the shuttle picks us up and takes us to the other terminal where the parking is. Somehow I knew he was following me so I smiled and faced him and asked "do you need help finding something?" He asked "How do I get to the mall?" I pointed to the bus shelters where I thought the mall bus came. He pointed at this shelter and asked "where does this one go?" I said "that goes to the other terminal" He asked "how much does that cost?" I said "to go to the other terminal it's free, to go to the mall it's 1.50 I think" and then I said "Oh, I think you need to go downstairs to the tram to go to the mall" he then paused, still breathing hard, and said "can I ask you something?" and I said, sweetly, "sure" and he said "never mind" and I asked, with empathy, "are you okay?" and I don't remember his response.

I looked over and got eye contact with the mother from inside the doors, the family was now outside. We both made "what the hell?" faces to each-other. The man stood there for a minute breathing hard, acting like he just robbed a bank, and the getaway car wasn't showing up. He then walked away towards the mainline employee bus, not the mall bus, not the tram that went to the mall. I asked the woman "did he say anything to you when you were in there?" She said "No, we followed him out here, we thought he was going to target you." I said "I should probably call security, huh?" I thanked them for looking out for me, and went in to call.

When I realized that I was really doing the right thing by calling security (I am really not the "ratting" type) I started to feel a little nervous. I called and then went back in through the security checkpoint (in case he came back in before security arrived) and I stood by the window watching him. The police cars arrived, two police came out and talked to him, he looked very defensive, they talked to eachother for about a minute and then I saw them grab his wrist and put handcuffs on him. I saw them pull something white out of his pocket.

When I felt there was no threat to me (and that the shuttle had arrived) I went back down the stairs and ran to the shuttle, (hoping he wouldn't see me) and got on. Everyone was looking out the window and I told them what happened. I heard some guy saying "the cops are harrassing him" or something and I turned to him and said (in a friendly "hey I'm a liberal too" voice) and said "Nah, they aren't harrassing him, something was SERIOUSLY wrong with that guy." He didn't even acknowledge what I said, which got on my nerves. It's like the conservatives think everyone brown is a threat (this guy looked asian or mexican) and the liberals think everyone brown is innocent. I wanted to shake him and say "get off your high horse, terrorists kill liberals too!"

I did the right thing by calling him in. His behavior was VERY consistant with how someone who planted a bomb would behave, if not that, he obviously was doing something VERY WRONG. If it was just drugs I do feel bad, but considering the circumstances, a person desperately wanting to leave the airport acting like something was seriously wrong, I made the smart choice. I don't regret it.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Don't tell anyone, okay

Please keep this between you and me...

On my days off, I lay on my bed with my laptop, and read the same 10 sites over and over again. Sometimes the TV is on, sometimes its not. When a friend calls sometimes I tell them I'm not in the mood to talk.

This lifestyle is boring as hell, and it's not going to help my weight or my depression. I don't know when I started doing this, but it's pretty rediculous.

I am making myself get up and go to the gym now, and then go to work. I have to break this pattern. I deserve happiness and this is not going to bring it to me.

Should I ask my doc to take me off Risperdal?

It's been a little irritating to notice that I'm not REALLY eating that much since I have stopped counting my weight watchers points. I mean I am putting vinagrette dressing on my salads instead of lemon juice. I am having cheese on my turkey sandwiches with no mayo, and I am eating cookies at the hotels when they have them, but so are the in-shape pilots. But still I am 192 pounds. I was down to 184 only a month or two ago, this just has to be Risperdal related. Thats what happened when I started dating Charles, one day I was 190, the next I was 200 it seemed.

I just took a break from writing this post and googled "Lactating Risperdal" again. I think the lactating is coming from the risperdal mixed with the vaccines.

I am starting to worry about this risperdal. No one knows the long term effects, and if it is raising my prolactin and making me temporarily infertile, how do I know it wouldn't make me permanently infertile? And this weight gain seems unbelieveably unfair.

But what about the flipside. I am, for the first time in my life...at peace. My brain moves at the speed everyone else's does. I think I am now "Chemically Balanced" problem is I am balancing these chemicals at the expense of other chemicals.

Right now I want to go off of Risperdal. I want to be thinner, I wan't my boobs to be dry, and I want my libido back. But if I did go off it, would these be reasonable trade offs?

I am VERY SICK AND TIRED of this whole mental illness thing. I am so healthy right now I just want to deny it's existance altogether. But look at me now, I had 2 days without medication, and I am feeling the effects still 2 days later, even though I am taking them again.

I will talk to the GP in about 3 days. Until then my boobs will be swollen with milk, I have no desire to masturbate, and I have a fat ass. (I have had a lower appetite lately though :) )

Friday, May 04, 2007

Too good to be true?

On the personals site I have connected with a guy in LA who bakes and likes chubby women. He has a cute writing style, is very cute, and is creative. Yes, he lives in LA, but if he was Mr. Perfect...maybe I could move to a sunny climate.

So today I asked him what lineage of Buddhism he practiced (because I am trying to pick one) and he said it was the New Kadampa Tradition

I haven't read much about it, BUT, the NKT is criticising the Dalai Lama who I happen to think is pretty cool. I haven't looked into what the specific criticims were, but if you are a cult, and people are criticising you, it often helps your case to try to discredit them as leaders. (I think this organization says the Dalai Lama is not the actual reincarnation of whoever he is supposed to be the reincarnation of. That type of stuff is unimportant to me, I am still on the fence about reincarnation anyway)

Something like Buddhism could be easily exploited into a cult, becuase we are so unfamiliar with it that someone can tell us "Buddhism says this" and we wont know any better. I am so glad I am a "Bookstore Buddhist" because I have a little background on Buddhist teachings.

This guy seems sweet, I wont give up on him yet, maybe I can convince him to visit a center with a different lineage.

My husband wrote me

My husband the ostrich DNA splicer wrote me. He said it was ok that I google stalked him and that I was "one of the good people in this world"

Ahhhh, we are so in love

Be a flight attendant, get paid $1360 a month!

I called mainline and found out I would be making 1360/month. While I could afford to do that, since my monthly expenses minus food and entertainment come to only 1064/month, I don't want to live that way again. I paid my dues already.

The whole reason I was contemplating this airline is they have a hub in my city. If you live in a city different than your hub, life is pretty much hell, and it would cost at least 200/m extra, because you would need a crash pad. Well, the lady was really shifty on the phone, basically I dont think my hub will be available. So whats the point of going mainline? I could go to a good airline like Southwest or Continental if I was going to live away from base.

So mainline is out the window. There is an airline with a good reputation in my city that I might apply at whe they are hiring. I have a friend there and she really likes it.

Heres to those of you who think you can't live on 1372.80/month

375/mo- room in two bedroom apartment in a dangerous neighborhood
35/mo- minimum payment on your maxxed out credit card
50/mo- antidepressants
300/mo-car payment/insurance/Gas (just hope it doesn't break down)
50/mo-cell phone bill (you dont have a land line)
15/mo- electricity (your half)
150/mo- student loans (you have deferred them as long as they would let you)
28/mo- Save the children (the child in bangladesh you sponser to remember how good you have it)

That leaves you with 369 for taxes, health insurance, food and entertainment. You really dont NEED to eat vegetables, many people in this world survive on beans and rice. And for entertainment you can split basic cable with your roommate for only 12 dollars a month!

...and as the added bonus, all you can grab from the dumpster

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Withdrawing my application

You know what? I think I am going to call mainline and withdraw my application tomorrow. Too sleazy, they are just too sleazy. A movie has even been made about how bad this company is. Sleazy, sleazy, sleazy.

In a haze

Oh gosh, I have had so many thoughts and feelings today, I have so much to write about, but I am in such a haze. I am really tired from a lack of sleep and from 5 legs of flying today, as well as being two days behind on medication.

First off, the milky teets thing, the novelty is wearing off. It's a real fucking miracle and all when it happens for a baby, but when it's happening because your hormones are just out of whack, its not as cool. My boobs dont hurt, but I am very aware of them. I feel like a mother minus the joy of a new child and a loving husband to go home to (besides ostrich DNA splicing guy of course)

----ooh, side note, I google stalked him and sent him an e-mail. I hopefully phrased everything in a way that it wasn't creepy (maybe I'll post it) I havent recieved a mailer daemon message so thats good-----

So, guess what I learned today, mainline...yeah. Uh, rumor has it mainline starts at $16,000 a year. Yup. 16. No typo. I'll be honest, I didn't feel that scandalized that my airline starts at that, because my airline is the regionals, it's like the minor leagues. You have to tough it out in the beginning to pay your dues. So I have paid my dues, as I have felt is acceptable for the industry, but now mainline expects me to pay my dues again?

It would make sense if I lost about $1,000 a year having to start at a new company on the bottom, but $16,000? I just started being able to afford to eat vegetables, I own a car now. I live a very small, modest life. $20,000 does not get you very much. I have just upgraded to being able to eat vegetables, buy the first shirt not from a thrift store in nearly 2 years, and get to go on vacation (an F/A affording to go use her flying benefits? someone better put a stop to this!) How can I scale back from my already scaled back life? (I could park my car and stop driving and paying insurance I guess [that made me tear up a little- I just got a car for the first time in years!])

And I am learning that mainline is sleazy. I am talking Enron sleazy. They lied about how much money they had so they could go into bankruptsy and break the flight crew's contracts. I heard they are paying off the judge overseeing the case. I want to name names so bad, the only reason I am not is because it would reveal part of my identity, but I want so much to hold up its name, shout it loud, and let everyone know how bad this company is. I am having second thoughts about working there (I will still interview) I don't want to spend my life looking over my shoulder thinking my company will raid me for everything I have worked for (they seem like the type of company that after 50 years would find a way to not give you your 401K match!)

There is a well liked company in my city that I might try for. It doesn't fly internationally though :( But it's a better trade off to feel a little security than to feel paranoid and crabby all the time, just to go to Japan and be jet-lagged the whole time.

I am having fun on the personals site. I am corresponding with a guy who works in "post-production" in films and bakes in his spare time and an Astrophysicist. No, neither of them live in my city, but one step at a time, right? I even effectively blew off my first psycho, I am proud of that because in the past I would have felt obliged to meet him even though his 8 paragraph rant on George Bush in his first e-mail to me really weirded me out.

One last thing, I am no longer afraid of going off my medication during pregnancy. Today, when suffering from medication withdrawl I felt a lot of tension and thought some irrational things (like about bloody revolutions against corporate greed like the ones that took place in the olden days) but I knew that the ways I was thinking was not natural for me. I saw the bad feelings as abnormal and the calm feelings as normal, and not the other way around like before therapy and risperdal. Also Buddhism is easier to study when you aren't happy. It's easier to tell you are doing something right when you feel it in contrast to pain. Hard to explain what I mean.

If I have a good support system, I think I will not only survive without medication during pregnancy and breastfeeding, I will grow from it.

Okay- I SO gotta go to sleep!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Never leave the house without your hair and makeup done

It was suggested that I should try online dating. Most of my experiences with online dating have been bad, but I realize that was because I was being confronted with my insecurities, inability to assert my boundaries, and overly high expectations. This time around (so far) it has been fun.

How unnecessary for me to be on online dating though, because today I met my husband! I was deadheading to Detroit and this buff guy who looked like a cross between Chris Daughtry and Howie Mandel came and sat next to me. He was very friendly, he said "how are you?" right away when he sat down.

I made a comment about his cowboy hat, and learned he was from Texas. I assumed that he was some dumb motorcycle kind of guy until he told me he lived in Africa (in response to my bringing up Uganda) The moment I realized I was going to marry him was when he told me why he lives there...HE IS A WILDLIFE CONSERVATIONIST PROTECTING OSTRICHES IN NIGER! *swoon*

He showed me pictures and movies, including of a lion pup he raised and nursed to health when the zoo vet gave up on him. *swoon*

So we went through this two hour flight, and I SWEAR he seemed interested in me. He touched me a few times and he left his leg relaxed so it touched mine. I had no makeup on and I didn't bother to do anything but my hair but wash it, but I will say I held my own with him, I was confident and eloquent, impressive maybe.

So at the end I waited for him to offer or request an e-mail address, but got nothing. It was so opposite of the signals he was sending me (which were so gentlemanly- like interested, but not sleazily interested) fortunately I was able to run after him with a little knob and say "is this the thing you were looking for?" (he dropped something and couldn't find it)

It was so great. I lingered a bit and asked him "what are you doing now?" and he seemed interested in having dinner or coffee. So we are on our way, in the tunnel, and I realize- OH MY GOD I FORGOT MY SUITCASE!!!!

You heard me. I was so sprung on the boy in the cowboy hat that I FORGOT MY OWN SUITCASE! I said to him "oh my god I forgot my bag I have to go- It was nice meeting you!" And I walked the wrong way on the moving walkway as he slowly glided away, his cowboy hat sillouetted in the colorful lights of the tunnel, like lovers in a movie, torn apart, never to see each other again, even though they were meant to be.

I got back to the gate and got my bag back with a laugh. I went to sit down to write a blog post about the event, and I realized I ALSO FORGOT MY PHONE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I walked back to the gate, with my head held low like an ostrich trying to hide from a predator, and told the lady I had forgotten yet another thing.

So my husband, if your reading this...call me! I miss you. Smooches.

UH! I would TOTALLY have moved to Niger to live in a mud hut with him!

Got Milk?

Well I have a doctor's appointment, and got to speak with a triage nurse on the phone today. She told me I probably do not need to be concerned, it is likely a reaction to the vaccinations. Phew!

I was quite worried. More worried about losing the risperdal than of having a brain tumor. If I had a brain tumor and anxiety medication, I could keep things in perspective and have the strength to go through whatever I need to. If I didn't have anxiety medication or a brain tumor, I would still be as stressed if I did have a brain tumor.

The risperdal, like the ativan I had in 2001, is like a lifeline. I am normal all of a sudden (well, I wouldn't go that far) I am able to function in society, I'll say that. To take away the risperdal would be taking away flying for mainline, falling in love, so much. I feel like I can be myself when my anxiety is managed, I am just so preoccupied with rediculous things when it isn't.

If this milk thing isn't something to worry about than I must say it is so cool. Seeing milk come out of my breasts just made me feel like a goddess. I could FEED A HUMAN BEING! It is such an amazing miracle. Like watching the mice I bred to feed my snake reproduce, but better ;) While I was serching online I learned that when a baby is born the mother produces colostrum, which is full of immune boosters, then as the baby starts suckling the body produces milk! Oh my god I am more in love with my children- how could that be? I pray I am fertile. I will give up my anti-depressants and risperdal for pregnancy in a heartbeat (a well thought out heartbeat with a lot of medical and personal support of course) I can't BELIEVE what a miracle creating a new life is! (here's what will happen- I will find out I am actually pregnant- THEN lets see what a miracle I think pregnancy is! Hee hee)

I will keep you up to date!

I'm Lactating

It’s like the universe is playing a trick on me. I start lactating and then the internet won’t connect so I can look online to find out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Yeah…Lactating, like milk is coming out of my breasts. My breasts are producing milk. I cannot fucking believe it.

I’m assuming it must have something to do with the vaccinations I got, it must have thrown my hormones out of whack. OH MY GOD THERE IS MILK COMING FROM MY BREASTS!

I wondered if I could be pregnant, but I have not been having enough sex to get pregnant. The only sexual experience I have had recently was with my neighbor, plus some underwear on dry humping with Ashram. Oh, and of course there is immaculate conception. Anyway, does a person lactate while they are pregnant, or only after they have given birth?

It’s my biological clock ticking a little louder. Its saying “See how cool this is? You can feed a baby with these, NOW HURRY UP AND GET KNOCKED UP!”

This is unbelievably cool, although I really maybe should be concerned that something weird is going on with my body. I guess I would be more concerned if I could actually read about it online, but I cant get it to hook up. (I am writing this on the word processor) This could not be a worse time for the internet to go away.

Here is what I am hoping is happening…I am hoping that this will continue, and that I will have to start pumping them. That means I would lose weight, lots of weight! And I wouldn’t be worn down by a baby, I could actually enjoy my skinniness.

Maybe I can pump the milk and give it to moms with HIV (I can’t though, I am taking all this medication)

This is so fucking weird. I hope it’s nothing to be worried about.


I went to the lobby because I couldn’t stand it anymore. The internet said that breast milk production could be caused by a pituitary tumor, and then, when I looked up “Breastmilk production, risperdal” It said risperdal was linked to pituitary tumors. So great! I might have a brain tumor! Want to know something weird? I feel no anxiety right now. No anxiety about being pregnant, and no anxiety about having a brain tumor. Why am I, a person with generalized anxiety disorder, not feeling anxiety right now? Maybe it’s because I am keeping my cool until I know whats going on.

How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight? How the hell am I supposed to work this trip? This is beyond weird. I wish so much the internet said this was normal.


It may not be a tumor, it could just be a side effect of risperdal. Oh great, now I am going to have to go off the risperdal. The upside is I might lose some of my weight since risperdal slows the metabolism, but still, generalized anxiety disorder is SO ANNOYING! Its like having a record player playing in your head, so you cant think about anything else, only these repeating obsessive thoughts. The one that always goes through my head is that people dislike me. OH MY GOD THAT SUCKS! I cant even read books when I am anxious like that.

To add to the comedy, I didn't pack my medication, so I have 2 nights without either medication. Fortunately I have a very light day tomorrow.

I was stressed on the plane thinking about having no money while starting on mainline, I don't know if I could survive without money OR anxiety quelling medication!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I'm a little dyslexic

I just realized that I have a dyslexic tendency now and then (lately)

Just now I read "girlgone" as "gringo" and was really surprised a second later to observe that there was no gringo in there at all.

This happens now and then lately with me, I will be convinced that I am reading one thing, and see that I totally misread it. Its interesting!