I made it to work. I didn't call in sick, I wasn't late, I made it, and I was tired but it was all good. I tell you what, except for the lack of sleep, I just love my job. It's just fun. Well, except for the lack of sleep and the money, but I shouldn't be complaining about that right now- although it's time for me to quit shopping, because my money is back to normal now (oops! I was going to put some aside to go to Bangladesh! I better get on that!)
So anyway it was a fun trip. I flew with a favorite pilot, who has been there from the beginning. He talks with a strong southern twang, and he talks a lot! It was fun. He is going to what I will call "the new base" because we are going to start flying for a new carrier. I will miss him. I miss a lot of the old pilots, because our airline is a regional, so it is only a stepping stone for pilots.
Today in the crew lounge was like being reunited with all the best of them. First let me mention the one I am in love with (which one? you ask) well I don't know what I called him, but he is my favorite. He just got engaged, but I know that he would be interested if he wasnt. It gives me hope. HE would totally be the one. Him and I were cracking up about "The pick up artist." Then there was a guy who sold me the PDA phone a few years ago. And my biking buddy, remember him? And vegetarian dreamboat pilot was there, and the Nigerian guy who has a crush on me and who volunteers for children. Was there anyone else there? I swear there was. I just looked like the most popular girl in school. Oh yeah, the older guy who makes me melt (GOD I CANT REMEMBER THE NAMES I MADE UP FOR THESE GUYS!)
Maybe the highlight of the week was singing in the plane. There were two times I was getting really worn out, so I was singing songs over the loudspeaker before the passengers came on. The captain was cheering me on, but you know what? I can never tell if he is sincere. I don't care. It really cheered me up. I just wanted to laugh and singing really does relieve stress.
And then at the end of the day I went to IKEA. But that's the end of my shopping for awhile. I can go to goodwill but thats it. I am down to the normal amount of money (except without credit card debt) so I want to keep it that way. I am happy I spent the money. When I started this blog I was unwilling to buy socks that cost more than a dollar a pair, so I wore greyed socks with all the elastic gone, I didn't feel I deserved any better. This month I have bought alot, but still (well) within reason. My most expensive purchase was probably a $30 pair of silver earrings.
I am giving myself an unintentional life makeover. I think that I know inside that I have changed for the better, and I am wanting to shed the depressed identity and replace it with a more current identity that reflects more accurately how I feel about myself.
Once again, I want all of you depressed people to hear me here I WAS AS DEPRESSED AS YOU ARE! I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. YOU CAN BE THIS CONTENT TOO! Stay in therapy, learn to think positively, be your own best friend, and find a way to help others. It will happen. I was suicidal in 2002, so it took a few years, but like it says on the bottom of my blog, every little thing you do to be healthier adds up. You don't see it at first, but it is there, and the tiny pebbles add up, and one day, if you don't give up, you can be on solid ground, like I am.
Okay, enough complaining about not getting enough sleep- howabout I go to bed now?
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Monday, September 24, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I want my mom
My last post got me thinking. What is my very favorite addiction? Boys :) This has been the case since I turned 12, and went from an ugly duckling to a swan. I have found attention intoxicating, and have felt at my worst when I was obese and not getting any attention.
Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.
This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.
Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.
I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.
Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)
So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.
I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.
Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.
What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.
I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!
Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.
Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.
This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.
Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.
I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.
Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)
So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.
I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.
Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.
What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.
I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!
Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I love my Grandpa
I didn't tell you this, because I was tired off my ass, but my Grandpa just sent me the most rediculous check last week. He has made the very kind choice to give me the money he would have given my mother, and as time passes he ditributes more and more.
I called him today to thank him, and we had a great conversation. He says he feels old and forgetfull, but not that he sees the end coming (a big check like this worried me) He sounded really good actually.
He made me laugh out loud, he told me a story about trying to learn the violin, but everytime he practiced the dog would leave and not come back for hours. But the best part of the conversation was, I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said he wanted me to be doing something that makes me happy, as in he supports my choice to be a flight attendant. He even was supportive when I told him I was unsure if I should go back to school or go to an airline that flies internationally. That meant so much to me.
Grandpa was the one I was most worried about being disappointed in me. He was a college professor, and education is very valued in the family. But he, like it seems everyone in the family, have been very supportive. I think they all saw how hard I took it when I dropped out of college (well, I guess I dropped out because I was suicidal, not the other way around, but I was suicidal because I knew I couldn't finiah college.) I am so grateful for their support.
Minus my dad, I am very lucky to have the family I do. They are pretty great. My dad isn't horrible either, but he really let me down when I really needed him, and I see he is trying to make it right, and he is taking care of himself, so I should be happy about that.
I called him today to thank him, and we had a great conversation. He says he feels old and forgetfull, but not that he sees the end coming (a big check like this worried me) He sounded really good actually.
He made me laugh out loud, he told me a story about trying to learn the violin, but everytime he practiced the dog would leave and not come back for hours. But the best part of the conversation was, I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said he wanted me to be doing something that makes me happy, as in he supports my choice to be a flight attendant. He even was supportive when I told him I was unsure if I should go back to school or go to an airline that flies internationally. That meant so much to me.
Grandpa was the one I was most worried about being disappointed in me. He was a college professor, and education is very valued in the family. But he, like it seems everyone in the family, have been very supportive. I think they all saw how hard I took it when I dropped out of college (well, I guess I dropped out because I was suicidal, not the other way around, but I was suicidal because I knew I couldn't finiah college.) I am so grateful for their support.
Minus my dad, I am very lucky to have the family I do. They are pretty great. My dad isn't horrible either, but he really let me down when I really needed him, and I see he is trying to make it right, and he is taking care of himself, so I should be happy about that.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
How I went from suicidal to very happy
I check my statcounter about 4 times a day. I know there are people who read this blog regularly, and when I see that on the statcounter, it gives me a nice little boost. For so much of my life I have felt invisible, or worse, irrelevant, and when I see someone has read my blog I remember that yes, in fact, I do exist, and that I have something to say.
I just recieved a nice e-mail from a reader. (I am always open to e-mails, I just hated the pressure to reciprocate by having comments turned on) This reader has read this blog from maybe the first post, in March of 2005. Back then my blog was black, I couldn't fathom it being any other color, only black or a night sky could express the person I felt I was. I was 210 pounds, terribly depressed, anxious, as well as so socially anxious that I had a hard time going to the store for groceries.
I started this blog with the intention of using it in conjunction with psychotherapy, to track my moods. Instead I found a place to take my ruminating thoughts and worries out of my head, and to put them somewhere less toxic. It helped me to post these journal entries online, because it motivated me to keep posting. It made me feel less alone in my struggles with mental health, and it made me feel good to imagine I was making someone else fell less alone too. Also, knowing someone vulnerable could be reading kept me positive, I knew that if I was too dark, someone in a very dark place could feel worse. I also was mildly suicidal at the time, so a blog was sort of a record of what I was dealing with, something for my family in case "something happened to me."
And look at me in these last two weeks. I am no longer depressed, unattractive, and socially anxious, I am really vital, charasmatic, and GOD DAMN IT IM HAPPY!
I am living proof that suicide is not the answer, and that depression is treatable. Get it? Got it? Good. I know what you are thinking "but I'm different. I am such a loser. I am ugly. I am stupid" and I am here to tell you you are wrong. I thought those same damn things. I looked at other peoples blogs and saw them so far above me, but thats not reality. That is the depression speaking. Which leads to the number one reason why my depression is in remission
REASON NUMBER ONE I AM NOT DEPRESSED:
I believe I am as good as, not better, not worse, than everyone else. I believe that I deserve good things.
This is the key thing that I had to learn. I was very resistant, I came up with all sorts of reasons why I was a bad person. Or why I should withhold happiness from myself so I didn't become "stuck up" but this was all the depression talking. I also was very judgemental of others, especially happy people, I decided they were shallow because if they cared about the suffering in the world, they wouldn't be so happy. This was also the depression talking. By feeling morally superior I was justifying my own misery.
If I had not been willing to let this possibility in that I am worthy and deserving of good things, my depression would still be with me. Ask yourself, "am I worthy of good things?" If you say "no" then that is sick thinking. Just like glaucoma clouds your seeing, depression is clouding your thinking. If you don't believe you are worthy of good things, start pretending that you believe you are, and after awhile you will see reality...that you are worthty.
REASON NUMBER TWO THAT I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Medication and therapy.
Yes you have time for therapy. What you don't have time for is self destructive behaviors, they will not go away on their own. Go to therapy and skip Grey's Anatomy. If you believe reason number one, that you are worthy of happiness, you will know that you are worth more than Grey's Anatomy. If you meet a therapist and don't hit it off, try another one. You have to have rapport for it to work.
Take your medication every day. Dont stop because you are constipated. Dont stop because you gained or lost 10 pounds. Dont stop because you feel better "and dont need it anymore" keep taking it.
And maybe you have tried medication but it hasn't worked for you, or you had side effects. Keep trying. I have been through tons of medications before I found the ones I am using now. And at one point I am sure I will need to try new ones, thats okay.
If you cant afford therapy or medication go to community clinics with free or sliding scale. I have gotten excellent treatment from these places, and they do as much as they can to help, even giving free samples so you don't have to pay for medications.
REASON NUMBER THREE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I am not stubborn
When my therapist told me that verbally abusing myself would not help me get my dishes done I initially thought "well if I don't yell at myself it will never get finished" but I examined the possibility that she might be right, and listened to and tried her suggestions. I could say I was "lucky" because I was suicidal. I knew that if I did not change something, I would kill myself.
Therapists studied thinking and behavior AND YOUR ILLNESS for years. Be open to the possibility that they know what they are talking about. If the way you think and behave is so great, then, as Dr. Phil says "How's that working out for you?"
REASON NUMBER FOUR I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I look at the silver lining of every dark cloud.
Maybe you are a pessimist, I sure was. Well, you need to lose that. You can keep it if you want, but be aware you are making the choice to be miserable.
The good aspects of any situation are just as real as the bad ones. One of the tailights of my car is burned out. The pessimist sees that it will take time and cost money. The optimist sees that now I have the opportunity to check out the auto shops in town, so I know who to trust when an expensive repair is needed. Or maybe I can learn how to fix it myself. The good things are just as real as the bad things, and even though the good things are smaller than the bad things, I am choosing to see the good things.
Do you think I sound annoying to be so god damn positive? You should of heard me when I complained. Someone being abnoxiously positive is ten times better than hearing someone whine. Again, if you don't truly see the glass half full, just pretend that you do, and eventually you will.
REASON NUMBER FIVE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Baby steps
My depression didn't go into remission overnight. I was suicidal in 2001, and I have gotten progressively better since then, with medication and therapy.
Do as much as you can handle at a time. Dont beat yourself up if you make a mistake. Dont push yourself harder than you are ready for. Be gentle with yourself. The little things you do for yourself really add up.
REASON NUMBER SIX I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Healthy diet and excercise and sleep
I know if I read that I might get a pang of anxiety. We all know that we should eat right and excercise, but eating unhealthy foods or drowning ourselves in the TV is how we cope from this terrible pain and stress we are feeling. So don't get down on yourself for this, just see it as a worthwhile goal at some point.
Here's how I see it. If you are planning to have 2 big macs, fries, and a large coke every day, start by adding a multivitamin daily, and add an asian salad instead of one of the big macs. Then eventually you can eatonly half of the fries every day, then you can drink only a small coke every day, and drink water also. Ideally, you would eat all healthy things right away, but when you use food to cope, its not always that easy.
All I can say is when I started Weight Watchers to lose weight, a funny thing happened, my mood improved even before I lost any weight! The fatty foods I was eating were creating a sludge in my brain that made my depression worse, and the quantities I ate weighed me down, making me more tired. Nowadays I am finding when I eat a meal with no veggies, I feel depressed, and when I eat a really heavy meal, I feel sluggish and depressed. (And dont go overboard in the other direction either! You should never go under 1,200 calories a day, some doctors say 1,500)
Same with water. I cant believe how many times I have thought I was depressed, but after drinking a few cups of tea or water I realized I was actually dehydrated!
And excercise is a PROVEN anti-depressant. When I was really socially phobic I did excercise videos (when I had the strength to get out of bed of course) and they helped so much. Now that I am working out (weights are very empowering, and easier than cardio) I feel so good, and that is BEFORE I have lost any weight.
Less than 6 hours of sleep will contribute to depression (easy for me to say since you cant get to sleep) but too much sleep can also make you groggy. Dont beat yourself up if you arent doing exactly the healthiest things, just make 6-8 hours a goal
...................................................
Thats some of how I did it. There are other things like Buddhism and more social interaction that contributed, but the list was getting sort of long. While I am sure I will have relapses into depression again, I don't think I will ever be in the danger of suicide that I once was. Once you learn something you can't unlearn it.
Think I am full of shit? Or that you and your depression are somehow "different." I will make a bet with you. If you do all these six things in earnest for a year, and you do not feel different, e-mail me and I will send you $25 and write a post about how wrong I was.
Thank you so much for reading my blog. I hope it entertains and maybe inspires you. Please know that I know you all are reading, and you are one of the reasons I am doing so well today. I know you can get better too, I am just like you, I thought I couldn't but I kept trying and didn't give up, you will be the same. I promise.
AND NUMBER SEVEN....
Have as much healthy FUN as you can! You deserve it DAMN IT!!!!!
I just recieved a nice e-mail from a reader. (I am always open to e-mails, I just hated the pressure to reciprocate by having comments turned on) This reader has read this blog from maybe the first post, in March of 2005. Back then my blog was black, I couldn't fathom it being any other color, only black or a night sky could express the person I felt I was. I was 210 pounds, terribly depressed, anxious, as well as so socially anxious that I had a hard time going to the store for groceries.
I started this blog with the intention of using it in conjunction with psychotherapy, to track my moods. Instead I found a place to take my ruminating thoughts and worries out of my head, and to put them somewhere less toxic. It helped me to post these journal entries online, because it motivated me to keep posting. It made me feel less alone in my struggles with mental health, and it made me feel good to imagine I was making someone else fell less alone too. Also, knowing someone vulnerable could be reading kept me positive, I knew that if I was too dark, someone in a very dark place could feel worse. I also was mildly suicidal at the time, so a blog was sort of a record of what I was dealing with, something for my family in case "something happened to me."
And look at me in these last two weeks. I am no longer depressed, unattractive, and socially anxious, I am really vital, charasmatic, and GOD DAMN IT IM HAPPY!
I am living proof that suicide is not the answer, and that depression is treatable. Get it? Got it? Good. I know what you are thinking "but I'm different. I am such a loser. I am ugly. I am stupid" and I am here to tell you you are wrong. I thought those same damn things. I looked at other peoples blogs and saw them so far above me, but thats not reality. That is the depression speaking. Which leads to the number one reason why my depression is in remission
REASON NUMBER ONE I AM NOT DEPRESSED:
I believe I am as good as, not better, not worse, than everyone else. I believe that I deserve good things.
This is the key thing that I had to learn. I was very resistant, I came up with all sorts of reasons why I was a bad person. Or why I should withhold happiness from myself so I didn't become "stuck up" but this was all the depression talking. I also was very judgemental of others, especially happy people, I decided they were shallow because if they cared about the suffering in the world, they wouldn't be so happy. This was also the depression talking. By feeling morally superior I was justifying my own misery.
If I had not been willing to let this possibility in that I am worthy and deserving of good things, my depression would still be with me. Ask yourself, "am I worthy of good things?" If you say "no" then that is sick thinking. Just like glaucoma clouds your seeing, depression is clouding your thinking. If you don't believe you are worthy of good things, start pretending that you believe you are, and after awhile you will see reality...that you are worthty.
REASON NUMBER TWO THAT I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Medication and therapy.
Yes you have time for therapy. What you don't have time for is self destructive behaviors, they will not go away on their own. Go to therapy and skip Grey's Anatomy. If you believe reason number one, that you are worthy of happiness, you will know that you are worth more than Grey's Anatomy. If you meet a therapist and don't hit it off, try another one. You have to have rapport for it to work.
Take your medication every day. Dont stop because you are constipated. Dont stop because you gained or lost 10 pounds. Dont stop because you feel better "and dont need it anymore" keep taking it.
And maybe you have tried medication but it hasn't worked for you, or you had side effects. Keep trying. I have been through tons of medications before I found the ones I am using now. And at one point I am sure I will need to try new ones, thats okay.
If you cant afford therapy or medication go to community clinics with free or sliding scale. I have gotten excellent treatment from these places, and they do as much as they can to help, even giving free samples so you don't have to pay for medications.
REASON NUMBER THREE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I am not stubborn
When my therapist told me that verbally abusing myself would not help me get my dishes done I initially thought "well if I don't yell at myself it will never get finished" but I examined the possibility that she might be right, and listened to and tried her suggestions. I could say I was "lucky" because I was suicidal. I knew that if I did not change something, I would kill myself.
Therapists studied thinking and behavior AND YOUR ILLNESS for years. Be open to the possibility that they know what they are talking about. If the way you think and behave is so great, then, as Dr. Phil says "How's that working out for you?"
REASON NUMBER FOUR I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I look at the silver lining of every dark cloud.
Maybe you are a pessimist, I sure was. Well, you need to lose that. You can keep it if you want, but be aware you are making the choice to be miserable.
The good aspects of any situation are just as real as the bad ones. One of the tailights of my car is burned out. The pessimist sees that it will take time and cost money. The optimist sees that now I have the opportunity to check out the auto shops in town, so I know who to trust when an expensive repair is needed. Or maybe I can learn how to fix it myself. The good things are just as real as the bad things, and even though the good things are smaller than the bad things, I am choosing to see the good things.
Do you think I sound annoying to be so god damn positive? You should of heard me when I complained. Someone being abnoxiously positive is ten times better than hearing someone whine. Again, if you don't truly see the glass half full, just pretend that you do, and eventually you will.
REASON NUMBER FIVE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Baby steps
My depression didn't go into remission overnight. I was suicidal in 2001, and I have gotten progressively better since then, with medication and therapy.
Do as much as you can handle at a time. Dont beat yourself up if you make a mistake. Dont push yourself harder than you are ready for. Be gentle with yourself. The little things you do for yourself really add up.
REASON NUMBER SIX I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Healthy diet and excercise and sleep
I know if I read that I might get a pang of anxiety. We all know that we should eat right and excercise, but eating unhealthy foods or drowning ourselves in the TV is how we cope from this terrible pain and stress we are feeling. So don't get down on yourself for this, just see it as a worthwhile goal at some point.
Here's how I see it. If you are planning to have 2 big macs, fries, and a large coke every day, start by adding a multivitamin daily, and add an asian salad instead of one of the big macs. Then eventually you can eatonly half of the fries every day, then you can drink only a small coke every day, and drink water also. Ideally, you would eat all healthy things right away, but when you use food to cope, its not always that easy.
All I can say is when I started Weight Watchers to lose weight, a funny thing happened, my mood improved even before I lost any weight! The fatty foods I was eating were creating a sludge in my brain that made my depression worse, and the quantities I ate weighed me down, making me more tired. Nowadays I am finding when I eat a meal with no veggies, I feel depressed, and when I eat a really heavy meal, I feel sluggish and depressed. (And dont go overboard in the other direction either! You should never go under 1,200 calories a day, some doctors say 1,500)
Same with water. I cant believe how many times I have thought I was depressed, but after drinking a few cups of tea or water I realized I was actually dehydrated!
And excercise is a PROVEN anti-depressant. When I was really socially phobic I did excercise videos (when I had the strength to get out of bed of course) and they helped so much. Now that I am working out (weights are very empowering, and easier than cardio) I feel so good, and that is BEFORE I have lost any weight.
Less than 6 hours of sleep will contribute to depression (easy for me to say since you cant get to sleep) but too much sleep can also make you groggy. Dont beat yourself up if you arent doing exactly the healthiest things, just make 6-8 hours a goal
...................................................
Thats some of how I did it. There are other things like Buddhism and more social interaction that contributed, but the list was getting sort of long. While I am sure I will have relapses into depression again, I don't think I will ever be in the danger of suicide that I once was. Once you learn something you can't unlearn it.
Think I am full of shit? Or that you and your depression are somehow "different." I will make a bet with you. If you do all these six things in earnest for a year, and you do not feel different, e-mail me and I will send you $25 and write a post about how wrong I was.
Thank you so much for reading my blog. I hope it entertains and maybe inspires you. Please know that I know you all are reading, and you are one of the reasons I am doing so well today. I know you can get better too, I am just like you, I thought I couldn't but I kept trying and didn't give up, you will be the same. I promise.
AND NUMBER SEVEN....
Have as much healthy FUN as you can! You deserve it DAMN IT!!!!!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Lonely night watching YouTube
Oh well, I can't seem to embed the YouTube videos.
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
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