Monday, January 29, 2007

Water Rescue from Depression

Lately I have been waking up at noon on my days off, sometimes even later. Before I used to wake up at 11AM, which is late, but I felt fine about it because I have such sleep deprivation at work. I imagine that my new sleep schedule has something to do with Alan, who works a night EMT job and a server job, so we have chatted and visited with each other mostly at night.
But something has worried me about how I have been sleeping. I have been sleeping hard, and it feels like trying to get up earlier would be impossible. I have worried that maybe this is a sign of depression, triggered by my new busy lifestyle, might be kicking in.

Two nights ago I had a TERIFFIC late night with Alan, we watched a movie, and then since my roommate was home and my air mattress is very loud, we had very slow, quiet sex. It was amazing. I am one to push things fast and hard, so this was amazing to me, it was very sensual, and it lasted a long time, which usually I would hate, but it was paradise the other night. I must have fallen asleep about 2 and I had to be up at 8AM, but woke up at 6 and was too anxious to let myself fall back to sleep, because I was so afraid I might sleep in. So I had about 4 hours of sleep the night before last.

I was so sleepy driving my car to work I actually frightened myself. I wasn’t nodding off, but I was very sleepy. I drank a ton of coffee yesterday and made it through the day. I had a four hour break but instead of napping I went to see Linda while she tried on (and ended up purchasing) her wedding dresses. Even though I was extremely fatigued I still didn’t fall asleep until after 1.

But today it got scary. I set my alarm for 12:45PM, certain that I would already be up, but setting it just in case, since I had a lunch date with the pilots at 1:30. I could hardly move. I didn’t get up and start getting ready to go until 1:10PM. After lunch I fell right back to sleep.
I felt depressed. I felt depressed the night before, but I talked myself out of it, reminding myself how little sleep I had gotten. But I had slept all day now! There is no way I was tired instead of depressed, I was so upset. I had been doing so well, living like a normal person, I couldn’t believe it was back.

We went to the airport and I whined (unfortunately out loud) that I didn’t want to go through security (you have to take off your coats, take out your laptop, and lift your bags on and off of the conveyer, it sounds like a great deal of effort when you feel depressed. When I did the announcements I noticed the cabin looked much bigger and more difficult, like it felt when I first started the job. When the trash bag was too small for the bin, I groaned like eyore “Oh NOOOOOOO.”

I started writing down all of my symptoms, as well as possible triggers, I thought this would be useful to take to my therapist and maybe psychiatrist. I wrote how EXTREMELY TIRED I felt, but not the way I feel when I havent had enough sleep. Maybe I had slept too much? I wrote about how I dreaded little things like going through security. I knew this wasn’t normal.
What could have triggered it? Is it my pain about missing Charles, catching up with me since I haven’t dealt with them? Maybe my night with Alan was the trigger…he did seem uncomfortable in the morning, and maybe I was frightened of getting attached to him. Was it the emergency landing the other day that triggered it? Or maybe the fact that my DVD is broken on my computer…AGAIN. Maybe the trigger was all of these together, I am not sure.
But one thing that is different about me now, compared to before I was in therapy, is I feel hope. Depression and hopelessness go hand in hand. I felt compelled to take action in trying to recover, or at least prevent things from getting worse. So I wrote down a plan of action, and then I went on with my flight. My plan was to go for a walk around the airport, and to eat a salad so I was getting my veggies in. But then I remembered, there was another time when I felt so tired I was concerned, and after drinking a liter of water I felt better! So tonight I drank 2 cups of green tea and 3 of herbal tea, and I felt much better!

Right now I feel like I have been pardoned from receiving the death penalty! I am not going to say I am in a happy mood right now, but I haven’t felt depressed since I drank all of that tea! I haven’t peed very much which suggests my body could have needed those fluids, could it be that some of my depression problems are actually dehydration???

I feel very fortunate to have only had to taste depression. I am also hopeful that I will wake up tomorrow and not feel depressed. I hope this experience will scare me a little into taking good care of myself. Here is what I want to do to:
-Go back to eating a lot of vegetables and not a lot of fat.
-Start exercising again
-Go to bed earlier
-Blog more often
-Drink enough water.
-Drink 4 cups black tea a day (this has been clinically proven to lower Cortisol, a stress hormone)
-Read Buddhist and spiritual books, maybe meditate.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


While tidying up my blogroll I accidentally deleted every link!

If you are a reader and not on my blogroll please e-mail me and let me know, the address is in my profile :)

Thanks for reading!

Monday, January 22, 2007

It is better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air, than in the air wishing you were on the ground.

Tonight was quite the night. I had an emergency landing. We have been trained for emergency landings, but this was the first one I had to do. We had lost engine oil pressure in one of the engines, so the pilots put that engine in idle, and we landed in Ottowa.

So after the landing I was proud. I got through an emergency landing, a woman with anxiety disorder, and I got through it with flying colors.

But that does not mean I made it through the evening without anxiety. You noticed I said we landed in Ottowa? Yeah, Ottowa being Canada, so we couldn't let any of the passengers off during the time we were waiting for the maintinence to get done. We sat for 3 hours. At about the 3 hour point there was a super condecending man who wanted to get off the flight. He was so condecending that he got the "flight attendant smile" from me. I am not one to give people the flight attendant smile.

When I was trying to coordinate to get these PAX off, (they had to stay in Ottowa, they couldn't fly anywhere else because US customs was closed) then everyone started asking me questions. Questions I did not have the answer to. I finally had to walk back to the front and make an announcement "At this point I need to focus on getting these passengers off, after that I will come back to talk to you, but I don't have any new information, I'm sorry" so I finally got those 3 off the plane (we had to wait for an available gate agent)

There was this british guy in the front who made the last condecending guy look polite. He would not stop explaining to me how badly this flight went, telling me everything "WE" did wrong. I was amazed at his ability, as what ever kind of business man he was, that he was miracuously able to solve the flight's problems. I wish he would have been in the cockpit from the beginning! Why have pilots with years of training and experience when a salesman can figure it out from his seat? I dont blame him for being upset, but his complaining was not constructive, it was aggressive as a way to take his frustration out on me and the pilots. I can't believe I neither cried or snapped in his face (but he did get the flight attendant smile too)

Guess what is even better, I get to see these lovelies in the morning. They told us, after 3 hours, that the plane was no longer "Sterile" because we opened the main cabin door, and since US customs was closed in the Hub we couldn't legally fly. So yup, tomorrow I get to see them again. That should be such fun. I pray that the asses aren't on the flight, but I imagine they will be.

In the end, we landed in Ottowa. Alive. Who cares about delays and aggressive men? Those are a part of life, thank god the pilots landed in Ottowa, so we had the privledge to deal with life.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

A Bust

I am in the north of my state visiting my surragate mother aunt. Her daughter, the one who in 2001 I kept from killing myself, because I knew it would screw her up, she is having her first formal dance! I saw a picture of her in full hair, dress and makeup, she looks so beautiful, and not at all like a little harlot like so many 15 year olds look like.

The point of me coming up hare was to learn how to use my mom's sewing machine. We set it up and unfortunately, the reverse doesn't work and there is a tension problem, basically, its broken.

So I have had this sewing machine in my posession for 20 years, and now, all of a sudden, I can't stand the idea of not owning a sewing machine. To make that thinking even sillier, I was trying to hem and mend some uniforms of mine, and I just felt like a mess. I didn't feel like the amazing success that I felt when I made a half & half shirt for my cousin afew months ago. So my fantasies of becoming a sew-er (if I dont put the dash there I am saying I want to be a sewer!) those fantasies are tabled for now. I don't play guitar like my mom, I don't sew like my mom, I don't run like my mom. Well at least I have a messy house like my mom ;)

Well, as my therapist taught me I should be looking at the positives...I did reinforce the butt and inner thighs of all of my uniform pants, I measured and ironed for the hems on three of them, and at least I have taken the step to try to learn the sewing machine. And I got to spend time, with my aunt. Nothing is more bondy than standing around a sewing machine and learning where to wrap the thread, very generation to generation passing :) So this trip really isn't a bust, I accomplished something.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I got some

FINALLY! After 5 months, some sex!!!

Last night Alan and I made out, went to a concert, made out some more, then I spent the night!!! It was alright. It's not the wild, hard passion of my fantasies, but it is enough to give me a glow.

One VERY important thing that I got to do yesterday was see his apartment. He had admitted over the phone that he was a packrat, which really concerned me, but when I went to his house I was very pleased. Not only was it neat (but not overly neat) he had art all over the apartment. The place was very cute, it was on the top (third) floor of a duplex, so the ceilings were curved in many different angles. I would love to have a place like that for myself.

The band we saw was called Unicorn Basement. The moment I walked in and saw the man in tights, I knew I would love them. See them if you get the chance.

So besides a rough night of sleeping on a single bed I feel pretty okay. I might be a little depressed, the glow was not like a "love glow" where you feel on top of the world like you met the perfect person, but I think that is to be expected, love failed me, so to expect that I will be rearing to go in developing feelings for another person is too much. I feel pleased, which should count for something.

Oh, and speaking of sleeping, here is a sign. When Charles and I slept together my torso needed space. I felt smothered when he held me. Last night I was able to cuddle comfortably, our faces only inches from eachother. That has to say something about chemistry.

Oh, and the dork left a mark on my neck, what are we, 12?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I Feel down

I am so angry at my roommate right now. I had such a good night, I just feel so angry that she had to bring me back down.

Tomorrow the two of us have plans. I am going to have to tell her that I am angry at her, because otherwise the whole day will be tense and unpleasant.

I am really upset that I have yet another roommate that I don't get along with. It makes me feel like a failure. In a way I am "failing" not in a self beating up way, but there has to be some common denominator of why I cant get along with roommates. It may be that I am an introvert and I might become cold or hostile towards people who I have to share space with. Whatever it is it hurts.

I can't help but extend this out to to men. I just wish Charles would be able to give me what I need, because I feel so good with him. I feel calm and safe. I already have big question marks about Alan, not because of him, but because I may be to angry inside to open up, be my gentle self, and allow good things to happen.

I want to cry so bad right now, but I cant get it out. I wish I could cry, that is what I need. When I was dating Charles I was more able to cry. Come on Diana, let it go...let it out! On everybody loves raymond the wife can cry when she is in the mood. I would KILL for that. God damn it, how much better would my life be if I was able to cry when I need to. I have become to rigid, too fearful of losing control, I need to find a way to get this skill back. That would make things so much better.

Great News!

My "sister" Linda has chosen me as her maid of honor! I am so excited and feel privledged and a little scared, but she has reminded me that we can get help from other people too.

I had a great night with her.

Format Change

My blog is my diary, I love posting it publicly because I can imagine someone who experiences the same things might read it, and hopefully feel less alone. Since it is a diary it is a different format than many blogs, so I think I am going to stop having comments for a couple of reasons.

The number one reason is I am a terrible blog visiter. I have a difficult time managing everything in my life, and having the pressure to visit other blogs, because they are so kind to visit mine, it's too much for me to bear. I believe it is blog ettiquite to visit other people's blogs, and I don't want to add that pressure to my life.

Another reason is I am tender, and this is my diary. If I got a comment like "your a bitch for cheating on your boyfriend" or if someone pointed out that I always hate my roommates I would be tremendously hurt, and would likely start censoring myself. In the past I have been criticised on my blog and it broke my heart. I think I am in such a tender place in my life, I want to turn of comments not because I think I will be criticised, but so I don't have to feel worried about being criticized.

I really will miss the nice words I have recieved. They would always put a smile on my face :) I want to thank KansasSunflower, DreamWriter, and especially LavenderDawn who have been commenting and making me feel validated. I hope I can visit your blogs and make you feel just as good :)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Mood kill

I have incredible news, but I have to write this first because it was enough to dampen my mood.

My roommate is painting the kitchen, which is awesome, which I think I have said half a dozen times. Yes, I did point out there was paint on the ground, I DID NOT WANT TO, but it had to be said since she wasn't using the tarp (which she didn't use today either by the way.) So she put the food into the pantry, which I was going to do, but oh well. She said something like "you can change it" or something and was pointing out that certian shelves werent fitting on the shelves in the pantry. I commented that I could see a few places that would create more room, and her response was "or you could just say 'you've done an amazing job, thank you' " I said "well I have said that about fourteen times, but I guess I will say it a fifteenth time, youv'e done an amazing job, thank you"

So she comes back into the room and says (in a not bichy voice at all) "when it dries I will let you put the dishes on the shelf so its the way you like it." Her tone wasn't bitchy, but I know what she was saying, I am critical is what she was saying. But I am NOT critical, her mom was critical and she is depressed so she is ultra sensitive. And this is totally unfair to me, because I am sensitive also, and I don't deserve to be seen as unkind when I am kind.

She has decided her best friend isn't good enough because as an actor she would be okay if all she did was commercials. She has also decided two other friends aren't good enough for her. We all know I'm not good enough for her. And when I pointed out depression she let me know that it is not her, it is the rest of the world.

It really does make me sad to see her upset, but when someone puts their pain on ME, making me feel bad when I was in the awkward position to point out the paint on the floor, and then saying...what did I say anyway? It's not fair to me. I'm not mean.

I had to write this so I could get it off my chest. I should be coming home glowing right now after the night I had, but instead I am tense.

More dumb roommate whining

Okay, just rediculous.

My roommate is awesomely painting the kitchen. After raving about how awesome she is I did happen to mention to put down a tarp, because there were some drops of paint on the ground. After I said it I came back and raved about her again, to soften the fact that I had said something not 100% positive, and she didn't respond (read: her feelings were hurt)

Thats just unfair. You can't have hurt feelings about drops of paint on the floor, it is not a criticism on the quality of the job, it is an issue of the damage deposit. My feelings would be hurt too, but I would respond, because dropping paint on the floor (and not wiping it up right away) is something that needs to be taken care of.

Now MY FEELINGS are hurt, my comment was twisted into a criticism which is unfair to me. Should I have not told her and followed behind her and wiped it up? GRRRRRR

I only make 20K, but this is what I did at work today

We ferryed a flight (flew with no passengers) today from Idaho. We had to stay down at 13,000 feet because we had a broken Yaw Damper (keeps the wings from doing crazy 8s)

I sat in the cockpit and watched the pilots hand fly the plane at 13,000 feet, 8,000 feet from the ground, over the Rocky Mountians. I listened to them sing the Greatful Dead and Kenny Loggins. I went to the back and did lunges, crunches and push ups. I meditated on an empty plane in the dark. I sat in the cockpit as the F/O flew it and landed it by hand.

The most exciting part is when ATC told them about a plane coming, and they said "Roger, we see him" and then they started saying "Oh my god, is he turning too?" I saw the plane coming straight at us, and I won't lie, my adrenaline started pumping. Of course it was all fine, but for that moment I allowed myself to get scared, and while the F/O was landing it I got exhilirated too. I imagined being in his shoes, landing a plane, having our lives, as well as those on the ground, competely in his hands, it was so exciting.

Those poor guys were so burnt out by the end of the day (did I mention we sat for 5 hours in Idaho dealing with the maintenence problem and getting the ferry permit?) but I was exhilirated. It was such a great experience for me. Ooh, and I ate stromboli, that was good too :)

So I make 20K a year, but look what my life is like.

silly silly

My roommate was just telling me how she is disgusted by her lack of motivation, how she is pushing all of her friends away, and how tired she is all the time. Being an expert on depression, and having the respect for her that I assume she knows that "being depressed" or "being anxious" are normal, and a part of every human being's life I said "It sounds like your depressed."

Silly silly me. "Oh no, I'm not depressed, I just need a project" she says. Well EXCUUUUUSE ME! I suppose that by saying she was depressed I was accusing her of a character flaw. I know for a fact that she feels a feeling of superiority being "different" than me. I see it when she looks at the mess in my room, and she lets her "feelings" slip out here and there.

The wi-fi drops out on my computer a lot. I know a few things about computers, she knows nothing. So some days the wi-fi is worse than others, but I don't think there is much I can do about it, because I set the router up myself, & I bought it for 5 dollars at a garage sale. Well she says "why don't you call the cable company?" Well doing that wont work because A) the router isn't theirs, and at worst they might try to charge me for using the ISP for 2 computers. B) It's not the cable company, I know that much. if any cable company had service that bad, no one would buy it & C) dealing with a computer means sitting, resetting things, sitting on hold for a half hour, and the worry that things will just get worse, a dumb thing to do when the wi-fi will be working again in 10 minutes. So when she comes up with this idea I am unenthusiastic about it, and she says "I don't know, for some reason these things bother me more." For some reason that pissed me off, because I could read from her tone that she saw my desire not to call as not fixing the problem, instead of not thinking that is the solution to the problem. And even if it was, the stress of that is worse than the waiting 10 minutes.

So she wants to call, so I give her the number, she calls, and then the automated system tells her to unplug the modem. This is so dumb and elementary, and I know for a fact that this isn't the solution, because a person can sense when the connection is completely gone, you can just sense it by the way the computer behaves, but I went along with it, maybe to prove her wrong. Well once that was done the router needed resetting, which requires plugging and unplugging things in a certian order, but required an instruction page that had turned up missing. So instead of relaxing on a day that I was very worn out, I was sorting through papers trying to find the paper. Naturally the wi-fi reappeared on its own, (she didn't even notice!) so all of this added stress to my day was useless.

So I am too tired to go into the implications of it all. Basically I feel like she sees the symptoms of my depression and anxiety as being character flaws, instead of symptoms. I think she sees some of my coping tools as being flaws, instead of tools I use, unglamorous as they may be.

Yes, going out, being social and dressing well are good things, but the fact that I have a hard time with them doesn't mean I don't recognize the value of them, it means I have a hard time with them. This is why I have problems with roommates. They see the symptoms as a part of my character, and I resent them for not understanding how desperately hard I work to live like they do effortlessly. It appears that this case is no different.

And it is tiring having this girl be so depressed all the time (I see the symptoms, I don't see her as "disgusting" the way she describes herself)

Monday, January 15, 2007

Now WAIT a minute!

This guilt about breaking up with Charles is the same damn guilt I have felt for years. It is what has kept me from breaking up with guys, in fear of hurting them. It is a guilt that comes from the angle that I dont matter.

Charles says "There is no happiness without Diana" while intending to be cute, is a completely inaccurate statement. Charles survived 5 months without me, without any part of me but the idea of me and an "I love you" every week or two. It is just now, that I am not waiting in the wings for him, that he is valuing me.

I don't deserve to feel guilty. I stayed by his side faithfully for 5 months. I was more patient than any American born woman would ever be, unless she had no other options.

By saying I am hurting him, and saying things like "There is no happiness without Diana" he is just hurting me all over again.

And god-damn it! He isn't a bad guy. Just sort of clueless. Completely, utterly, clueless.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I've been tagged...YAY

Here is a tag from Lavender Dawn:

1) Find the nearest book 2) Open to page 123 3) Type lines 6-8 of said book 4) Tag three others

Here's what I got:

Dar Shanghai Restaurant. The best bet for chinese food, with a wide menu selection, reasonable prices and a friendly staff.

From Lonely Planet's "East Africa"

That was fun :)

...and who am I kidding?

My anxiety is not just about Charles...this has AS MUCH to do with the fact that I have been working so much, and have been filling my schedule more than usual, not allowing myself a lot of time to veg out.

I HAVE TO go easy on myself! Great, I am out of a depression, but I don't need to throw myself right back into one!

Anxiety Attack

I spoke to Charles today and when I told him I want him to be happy he said "there is no happiness without you" and that he is really hoping I reconsider. He says he can see now that he made a mistake in how he responded to me when he was gone.

I feel so sick in my chest I just want to gorge myself with food. Thats what helps anxiety, food, alcohol, or drugs. I just feel so anxious.

I feel like by breaking up with Charles, I have done something extremely, extremely wrong. I feel guilt like you can't believe. He is suffering, and it's all my fault. I have hurt the person I love and who loves me.

I wish my appointment with my therapist was sooner. Maybe I should call her and see if I can reschedule.

I am feeling calmer already. I can see that I am probably responding in an unhealthy way to this all. I should probably stop feeling guilty. He will recover from this. Happiness is not really gone without me, he's just sad from the stress he is going through. He will probably go through a depression right now because of the stress in his life, but that is not my fault. AAAH, the anxiety is subsiding a little. Again, Charles and I are TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE, I can feel my own pain, I dont need to feel his pain. I want to take his pain away, but the only way I can is to get back together with him, is that what I want? Yes, until I remember that the sex was not fun for me. I am not supposed to be with him...

...Eh, can I tell you all something? I feel guilty telling you this, even though I share everything on my blog and all identities are concealed, I will go ahead and say it, but I feel like I am betraying him by sharing this. He never seemed to be fully hard. Even when I went down on him! He doesn't take any anti-depressants, the only medicine he takes is a allergy medicine, and hes only 34 so I have no clue why it is. It could likely be stress. He has the weight of his whole family on his shoulders. He is a black immigrant in a sometimes unfriendly, foriegn, stressful culture, and he is completing a PHD. But I can't help but wonder if the lack of chemistry isn't mutual. Or maybe he feels my body's indifference to him, and so he isn't turned on enough.

There is SOME attraction. When I saw him I just wanted to latch myself to him. But in bed we just arent on the same wavelength, I don't feel that connection with him, and when I would try to look into his eyes during sex, he would be huffing away, looking straight through me it seemed.

So if the only way I can take away his pain is to be back with him, I will have to make the choice, go back with him or let go of the rediculous notion that I have to take away his pain. Which is it? I have never broken up with someone I truly love, and I have never truly loved someone like I love him. So no wonder it's hard for me.

I really hope he will be okay, now I need to assert some boundaries and not let him tug on my heartstrings so much, my health depends on it.

I think I am unhappy

I just hung out with Alan at a cool breakfast place this afternoon. It was hilarious, I am sitting there talking to him, and I look up, there is Ullrick! He looked silly, wearing a tiny blue shirt on his huge body. I went over and said hi, I got to shake hands with his girlfriend, who seemed very down to earth and sweet (I saw her feed Ullrick a bite from her fork, it was cute!) He was also hanging out with a guy who could have been named "Biff."

When Alan showed up I felt very anxious. When I hung out with him the first time I hadn't seen Charles in 5 months. But now I have seen Charles, and rememered the bond we had. The idea of developing a new bond, another that could be broken, really stressed me out. And I am yet to see his apartment, (he has confessed to being a packrat.) But the anxiety faded after we sat down and had coffee. Charles called while we were there, so I got to think of my ex, the guy I am dating, and my crush, all on the same day.

I really do enjoy his company. I think he enjoys mine too, though he seemed less smitten today then he did the other night. But then again, I was also less smitten today. He also has to study pediatrics, so I know he was preoccupied, but who knows, red flag? Responsibility? Who knows.

I think I am worn out. I think I should try to give up one of my trips. I am just burnt out. I am going to do that, I am going to put a trip up for someone to pick up.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Therapy Lesson

One of the most powerful things I learned from my therapist is something I need to excercise right now. When I accomplish something I need to pat myself on the back, or reward myself, not start thinking about everything else that needs to get done.

Not only did I go through a six consecutive day workweek, the three days after I did my nails, went on a date, went to a psychiatrist appointment, broke up with my boyfriend, got an eye exam, hung out with my friend, and now I have pulled three large boxes of junk out of my room, rearranged my room, put up decorations, sorted through the boxes of stuff, put away the christmas decorations, wrapped 2 presents, did 3 loads of laundry, took out the garbage and recycling, did the dishes, and spackled and sanded in the kitchen.

So here goes..."Wow Diana, you should be proud of have accomplished alot!"

Pre-therapy I wouldn't have given myself any praise. I would have told myself "it's about time" or I would beat myself up for not accomplishing more on the list of things that need to get done. It's no wonder I would get so paralyzed. There is always more to get done, so if I offered myself no praise when accomplishing things, only further criticism, I can see no reason why I would want to even make an effort.

So again..."Way to not only got this all done, you got it done on days off when something very sad took place. You not only got it all done on days off when something sad took place, you did all of that after working six consecutive days. Diana, you are officially a ROCKSTAR!!!"

Friday, January 12, 2007

Burn out

The picture of my eye below shows more than my dialated pupils, it shows unkempt eyebrows, acne, dark undereye area and puffy bags- I'm worn out!

I worked six consecutive days, did laundry, went on a date, went to a psychiatrist's appointment, broke up with my boyfriend, went to an eye appointment, and hung out with my old roommate Emma, and I have to go back to work the day after tomorrow.

I really wanted to clean my room. It takes time for me to get into it. Now I have promised my sister Linda (who just got ENGAGED at the Bellagio by the way) that I will go to some landscaping expo with her tomorrow. I just want to stop moving, I want to stop speaking to people. I just broke up with Charles! Oh my god!

I have been not-depressed before, and how did I get back to being depressed? I burnt myelf out. I am scared that that is where I am going. But I have to be there for Linda, there is a 30% or more chance she might choose me as maid of honor. I have to show her I wont let her down. I can't let her down tomorrow...can I?

I think I should stop fretting and just go to sleep. I think the fact that I fell asleep at 1:30 last night and got up at 7:30 in addition to two consecutive days drinking and OH YEAH the fact that I just broke up with my boyfriend, could all have to do with my feeling worn out. I have had a busy week!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Did Diana turn to drugs to cope with the breakup?

Christmas 06 046
Originally uploaded by DianaCrabtree.

Well, I did it

I still feel short of breath. Hurting him feels like hurting myself.

It went okay, I guess. He said he could never hate me. But he disagrees with me.

This is the right thing, right? Right, I guess. But I feel like he is already my family. I want so much to let him cry on my shoulder about that bitch who hurt him. Oh, and not only did I just break up with him, I cheated on him twice! (no, I will never tell him that.)

Ow, my chest really feels tight. I just want to hold him and comfort him. I just want to take away all of his hurt and stress. I wish I was able to cry, because I really need the release. Ouch.

Here goes...

I will be at Charles' house in 45 minutes.

He was very cute on the phone. I said I would bring him something to eat, and I asked him if he wanted healthy or unhealthy. I said I would get healthy for myself and unhealthy for him. He said "You want to get unhealthy for me so I will die" It was very cute. I am very fond of him. I am glad that I feel that warmth towards him right now, because that guarantees that I will be warm in the way I do it. I have a cold streak in me where I could be very heartless about it, but I don't want to do that to him. goes...

My night with Alan

Tonight was my date with Alan. We went to a fancy restaurant with GREAT food, then we went to a movie- "Dreamgirls" <--- his idea! Then we went to a dive bar afterwords.

He said I was really pretty. He said I was "a precious jewel" (he used a different word than precious the first time, I wish I could remember it, it was so cool. He also said I was pretty like the beach. No one has ever said either of those things to me.

Yes, I kissed him. I intended not to, but when it was happening I just didn't bother to say anything. So now I have officially cheated on Charles twice. There goes my record of being the girl who doesn't cheat (I have only ever cheated on my boyfriend who was in Juvie when I was 12, and on a very controlling boyfriend who I tried to break up with monthly)

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Break up postponed

I spoke to Charles on the phone tonight. Apparently he returned home to learn his stuff was in storage, the owner of the townhouse was in a lease to own situation, and apparently couldn't afford the morgage payments when they began. I guess they didn't bother to tell him until he called to tell them he would arrive.

And his car has broken down too, someone was supposed to come fix it, but left him sitting at his house all day and then rescheduled.

And his voice, it was so low and quiet. Was I going to go to see him and just add to everything that he has lost his girlfriend too? I was going to call him back to get directions, and I decided to check up on his state of mind. I said "you've had such a rough day, are you sure you are up to an arguement?" he responded "do we have to argue?" (as if after 3 weeks of being blown off, with 5 months of little communication I would be in a hurry to hang out with him, expecting nothing) Of course when he said that I said "Yes, we do." We postponed the meeting for thursday which sucks, because I have a date tomorrow with Alan, and what kind of impression does it make for a girl to have a boyfriend in the first place, but then to have postponed the breakup for another day, it makes me look like I am two-timing Charles.

In a way I am cheating on him, we havent yet broken up, yet I am talking on the phone with a boy, even hanging out with him, in hopes to one day be more than friends. I can live with myself though, I'm not trying to have two relationships at once, Charles and I have had no relationship, and when I made an effort to invest in it, he just blew me off. We would have broken up a month ago but he wasn't here for me to do it in person, and thats what you are supposed to do, right? Your not supposed to break up over e-mail or the phone, right?

I don't feel (very) guilty, I really tried to make it work with him, and I came up against a brick wall. I have to believe that this is a cultural thing, because who blows off their girlfriend, doesn't speak to her for 3 weeks, doesn't even tell her when he will return home, and actually thinks that she will want to hang out with him without arguing? No one could be THAT clueless!

I just want to get this over with!

Monday, January 08, 2007

I am so happy to be tired and under stress!

I suppose the time to review the year is often done around new year’s, but I didn’t feel the need to do that, since every day is a day to review how far you have come, every day is the beginning or end of a year. Today I am sitting near the pool, in the sun in Tulsa, just like I was at new years a year ago in my post “Of course I end up standing next to the naked guy.” In that post I discussed getting drunk and making out with a boy, and how renewing it felt, and just last week I got drunk and made out with a boy, which felt very renewing. Last new years I faced the world as a single girl, and now I will soon face the world as a single girl. And last year in January I met a dreamboat named Charles, now this year I have met a man named Alan, who is turning out to be impressive.

The parallels are a good thing, because my good time in sunny Florida was an inspiration to have more fun in my life, and although the partying did not last (a good thing I am sure) my year was much better than the year prior. It would be a wonderful thing if this year went better than the year before, because last year was pretty good.

This is two years now that I have been writing a blog, and two years that I have been in therapy. I think going to therapy is the best thing I ever did. If I hadn’t gone to therapy, I could have faced my life as a woman with mental illness, always adding more and more medication, but never really escaping my painful past. Now, having done the work of therapy, I see myself as a woman who has had a difficult life, with the added difficulty of genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression, but who is unlearning the unhealthy thinking patterns that lead to further depression and anxiety.

Just look at me, I am taking care of myself as best as I can, not because I hate myself, but because I love myself and deserve it! Back in the day I wanted to lose weight because I considered myself worthless if I wasn’t beautiful, and I couldn’t even tell how beautiful I was. Today I want to lose weight because my heart and body deserves to work efficiently, and I want a good quality of life, because I deserve it. Years ago I took Metabolife, something that made my anxiety WORSE and that contained ephedrine, which has proven to be unhealthy for my body, but I still took it, I loathed myself so much that I would hurt my body in order to lose weight, instead of losing weight to help my body.

I can’t believe I am writing this about myself today. I was so sick, so sick. I thought I would never be happy again. I wanted to kill myself, because I thought life wouldn’t ever get better, but it did! I am so grateful that I stuck it out, that I had faith that life could be better, that I can see a future for myself, I never did back then. I am so proud!!!

The best part of having my blog is this very moment. I see that a few dozen people read my blog. I imagine they are attracted to it because I discuss issues like depression and suicide. It makes me so happy to imagine that someone who feels suicidal might see my blog, because I am living proof that a person can be as low as wanting to kill themselves, but if they just hold on, and just take tiny, tiny steps to make life better, sometimes that step is just not killing yourself, sometime that tiny step is just getting out of bed and going to work. I am proof that just by doing that. By having faith in medicine an psychology, you will get better!!! In fact, I think I will add some tags to this. I hope so much someone who is at the bottom will see this and see that just because they are underwater, there is air! Its up there, you just have to know its up there, keep moving, inch by inch, up there, getting help from medical professionals who study what makes people get to the point you are at, and just don’t give up. Don’t give up.

If you have been hurt or neglected in your life, its not your fault. It’s totally unfair. Know it and own it that it was unfair for you to be hurt, and in addition know it and own it that you will not hurt and neglect yourself. They shouldn’t have done it to you, and you shouldn’t do it to yourself, extending that pain out forever.

Today I feel tired and pretty blah, but feeling tired and pretty blah is a dream come true in comparison to being depressed. I feel under a lot of stress, I have to break up with my beloved boyfriend, my work schedule is heavy, and working out and losing weight isn’t as easy as I want it to be, but again, being stressed is a dream come true compared to being anxious about every little thing that could happen, worrying all the time that people hate me, worrying about money, worrying about everything, feeling guilty all the time. I’ll take the stress based on actual things, thank you very much. I might be having a hard week, but my life, looking at it with perspective, is going very well.

Talked to Charles

Today I was on the plane wondering when the heck Charles would be back. When we landed I turned on the phone, and had a message from him! He's back!

I called him back and told him I wanted to set up a time to talk. I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone or in person, he said "in person, I want to see your face."

This is going to be very hard for me. Just hearing his voice I just wanted to let him apoligize and say "Your right, I love you so much, I miss you" and forget it ever happened. But I wont. I am going through with it, I am not going to cave. I can do this, I deserve better then I have gotten and what I would get if I continued the relationship.

We will talk on wednesday.

The cure for irritabilty and tiredness

This morning I felt like death. I sat in the car for a few extra minutes because I felt too tired to get out. In the plane I trudged through the beverage service then sat down. I thought about what I should do in the workout department, if I felt this rough, maybe I need more rest. I was very unsure of what to do.

I took out a cup and started drinking water. I drank a liter and a half. After drinking this I not only stopped feeling like death, I started to feel GOOD! Yes, that is probably it. All of the problems I have been having since I started working out has been dehydration.

Thank god :) Tomorrow I am going to work out instead of taking a light walk like I was considering :)

Saturday, January 06, 2007

They don't call me CRABtree for nothing

It is so hard to find a balance with eating. I can eat twice a day's calories in one day if I just let myself eat all the fattening things I want. But, when I am trying to lose weight, if I dont pay attention to what I am eating, I will only eat 900 calories!

It is obvious why eating twice a days calories is a mistake, but so is eating 900 calories. It will slow down my metabolism, and likely lead to bingeing in the long run, due to hunger. A diet expert described it as "Dieting hard vs Dieting smart" to eat 900 calories is dieting hard, like holding your breath underwater. Dieting smart is to eat a healthy diet that is good for your health and manageable for the long term.

Today was one of those holding your breath underwater days. I ate cereal, a bag of tuna, an apple and a ham sandwich, and I was ready to call it a day and not eat anymore. Then I saw my captian eating a salad and I could not take my eyes off of it, it looked so delicious. So I went and got a bagel, and I felt much better. It is such a great feeling, to feel satisfied and nourished after you have been hungry. When I would eat all day I didn't get to feel that satisfaction of knowing my body has all the nourishment it needs for the moment. Eating was such a constant, so I didn't feel that extra enjoyment of a satisfying healthy meal.

But even if I have eaten enough today (I haven't counted but I am hopeful) there is still this agitation I have been feeling since I have started working out again. I have been feeling tired and cranky, and I remember now that this is the reason I have quit working out so many times before. Not only was I tired and cranky, I would become stupid, and heaven knows I can't make any more mistakes than I already do.

So if I am increasingly agitated since I started working out, then whats wrong? I have some theories. One, I may be dehydrated. Two, I may need a little extra sleep, at least while my body adjusts to this increase in activity. Three, excercise may be lifting my depression, and increased brain activity could increase my anxiety (it makes sense, anti-depressants seem to increase my anxiety.)

All of the above sound possible, but I have another possible theory...withdrawl. If I was using food to calm my anxiety, and now I don't have a steady stream of it, I am being forced to feel my anxiety. Maybe my expectations of my moods were unrealistic. Maybe I unreasonably expected myself to not be annoyed by the passengers, so I drugged myself with food to meet that expectation. But I have to say, I have been PRETTY ANNOYED lately.

Oh, who knows. I just really want to keep excercising and eating right. Maybe I should see a doctor and find out if they have heard of crankyness when a person has enough calories and sleep, but who's body is losing weight.

Oh well, I ought to go to sleep before I make the crabbyness worse.

Friday, January 05, 2007

It feels so good to be so wrong!!!

Not only did Alan call me, we had a marvelous conversation! I was caffeined up, and was my natural self. Very peppy, positive, kind of corny, and honest with who I am. I told him that I liked hollywood movies that are easy and non-challenging to watch, and I was able to tease him a little, calling him a hipster and telling him not to judge me for my movie tastes.

I like him, and I feel so bad about hurting Charles. But maybe thats why Charles wants to wait to talk about it, maybe he plans to break up with me too! I hope things go well and we can be friends.

I am so happy about making a new friend too.

Oh well

Well, my instincts tell me I will never hear from Alan again. At the end of our conversation the other day I told him that I have Charles, but intend to break up with him as soon as he gets back. He sounded surprised, but appreciative that I told him. I said I would call him today, but when I called there was no answer. My gut just tells me that's on purpose.

Oh man, I can't really be disappointed, because I am so disenchanted about relationships and I am sure some of my anger at Charles would be misdirected towards him.


Thursday, January 04, 2007

I know the answer

The trick to not screwing things up with Alan is to think of him like a buddy. The whole point in these early stages is to just have fun. I should be thinking nothing of him as a partner in hard times and only think of him as a partner in fun.

I have a blast with my pilots. I can think of him as a pilot, one who I get to make out with. I sure hope there is chemistry that way...I would hate to have another fiasco like that. Oh well, if there isn't chemistry I always have my neighbor ;)

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

A phone call

So you know that Alan, who's number I got last night? Well he called me...the next day! Today!

It was weird. All of the things I have wanted in a guy, he seemed to be into. He works out 3 times per week, he does a 100 mile bicycle event every year. Not just into excercise, but bicycling! He is in a band, so he has that creative part of him, and he plays guitar, which would totally fit into my family. What else? He is passionate about music, which I no longer am, but would love to date someone who is, so he could make me hip again ;)

Most of all he seemed really well-adjusted. I, of course was sitting thinking about how he was too good for me, but that sort of thinking wont get me anywhere. I did tell him about Charles, and that I have every intention of breaking up with him, and his response was very cool, cooler than I was about it.

I hope that I am not so weighed down with baggage that I would miss an opportunity like this. I would never have the courage to talk to him, but my roommate did. And then I would never call him, but he called me. So I am already in a position that I wouldn't regularly see myself in, so I am a little clueless on what to say and do. I think most important is to be appealing and confident, and not to sabotauge myself.

Aye Yae Yae!

Ha ha

yeah, so it's 3:10 AM. I just made out with my neighbor, and got some guy named "Alan'"s phine number. A good roommate would have stopped me before going upstairs to make out with him, but NOOOOOOO. Bad roommate, bad. Its all her fault.


Monday, January 01, 2007

Powerful Motivation

Today I ate well, and then ate a 1380 calorie box of christmas chocolates. I have been anxious the last couple of days and I just played on the computer mindlessly eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate.

I thought for a second what I must look like eating these chocolates. In my head I look like Giselle Bundchen eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate, and as we all know, Giselle Bundchen is so georgeous that she would look good doing it. Then I thought of the fact that I do not look like Giselle Bundchen, so I decided to see what I do look like.

I had my roommate take my picture, in my stretchy pajamas, staring at a computer screen, eating a chocolate. Not a nice sight. I contemplated posting the picture, but it was simply too ugly. Damn, damn, ugly.

I think the picture will help. When I am feeling like pigging out I will look at that picture and know that is what I look like. Then I will pick up carrots, drink some water, or best of all, work out.

Hmmm, I should take a picture of my bedroom too!


I forgot to take my medications last night, and my dreams were just awful!

I dreamt that I was sitting in a room and a math teacher handed me a graded pop quiz with 20% on it. I freaked out, I had been registered for these classes but not going or studying (you know, not being in school and all.) This is a recurring dream, not so much now as a few years ago.

Later in the dream I had returned a luggage cart to the rack to collect my quarter, and quarters kept coming out, more and more at a time, so I just kept taking them. When they stopped coming out a man who had been standing next to me arrested me for taking more than the quarter that was due to me. I protested that I was taking the quarters so I could report it to the company (which I was contemplating doing) but they wouldn't hear of it, and I was in trouble. It was possible I was going on probation, but no matter what I had a crime on my record, AND I was failing all of my classes. I realized this was all too awful and started blinking my eyes, and yes, I woke up.

But when I fell back asleep I dreamt that I had parked my car in a specific place, but when I looked for that place I ended up far away. It was cold and there was very deep snow, so I knew I couldn't get it on my own. I was somehow kidnapped, and with my friend's young cousin. It was known that I would be raped. We were driving in a car and I knew that we were approaching where my car was parked. The kidnapper answered a phone call and I whispered to the girl "If I tell you to run, run." The kidnapper then put down the phone and said "if you run than it will be the little girl getting raped." I got SOO angry and I reached over the little girl and said to him, while he was driving, "I am going to kick your ass, I don't care what happens" and right as I started to punch him "RIIIIIIIIIINGGG!" my wake up call. I got up, took my medication, and drank a cup of coffee, thankful.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am writing this on the airplane, ten minutes after the beginning of the new year in my time zone. However, I am traveling to a time zone when it is not the new year yet. So the question is, what new year do I celebrate? Well I have the solution, celebrate both!!!

The new year from my time zone is the one that matters to me I think. I got so excited, I turned on my computer (which has a second hand on the clock) and saw that it was 3 minutes to the new year! I gathered 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist and rang the flight deck call button “can I come up for the countdown?” I ask the captian, “sure” he says, and I stand with my hands full, waiting for the door to unlock. Nothing. So I ring their call button again but hang up, because it is too hard to hold all of this and the phone at the same time. I get nothing. Then they chime me “The F/O would like a cup of coffee” the captain tells me. Okay, so I grab the cup of coffee, and am now balancing a laptop, cup of coffee, 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist in my hands. I am not sure how I called them after that but I finally got up there.

I quickly handed off the coffee and diet sierra mist to them and opened up my computer “are you ready for the countdown?” I said cheerfully. “It’s over” they said. “Huh?” and after I got the computer screen back up, there it was, 0:00:07. “It’s all your fault- I missed it getting your stupid coffee!” I said to the F/O. And then we poured the diet sierra mist, the captian had orange juice, and we toasted to a new year.

Now for the next time zone’s new year I am considering doing a countdown over the PA with the passengers, but I am scared they will be silent. MMMMM, I’ll let you know what happens.