AAAAH! My mood and energy are so much better. If the flight left later today I might even go to work today, but I am thinking I am just going to stay home the whole trip, or maybe I will take a turn tomorrow, but thats it. I have to go pick up my purse, so why not make the trip worth my while, AAH fugedaboudit! I'm staying home and recovering.
I am getting a lot done. Once you have rested for 3 days you get restless!
And a great side effect? After sleeping for 2 days, I got up at 8 the other day, and now I am getting up between 7-9 every day. I love it!
Showing posts with label Housekeeping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Housekeeping. Show all posts
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
What would my mother think???
She would be shocked! She would say "This isn't what I raised my little girl to be!" She would wonder what she did wrong...why would her baby girl do this to herself?...to be a...HOUSEWIFE?!?!?
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Progress
I am still frustrated with my habit of being lazy and isolated in the house on sunny days. This is not healthy behavior, and if I am going to fight this depression, I need a lifestyle that is fun, not depressing like this.
I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.
But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.
When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.
Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.
I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.
I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.
AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.
I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.
But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.
When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.
Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.
I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.
I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.
AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.
Spicy Hot Chocolate
I talked with Juan this evening, and I have learned that when talking to him, it goes on forever. I made some amazing chili, and made it without salt or making it spicy, because then we can add spice and salt to taste. I said "Because nothing is worse than making a recipe too spicy" he seemed surprised by this statement, and asked why, I said, "Because you cant taste any other flavors." He then, as expected, went into a long, passionate description of chilis and how they are incorperated into Mexican, and many latin american cultures.
During this conversation he described how spice fills your mouth, I cant even remember the words that he used, but they were very descriptive and poetic. It made me crave some chocolate ice cream with cayenne pepper that a shop down the street makes. As the conversation continued, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I made some hot chocolate with cayenne pepper (and a secret ingredient, but I'm not telling) It was SOOOOO delicious! So good! I would love so much to be a housewife, to spend my days cooking chili and hot cocoa sounds like heaven (I know you stay at home parents are rolling your eyes at how easy I am making the job sound.)
Juan said something that moved me. He had mentioned a (female) roommate had lost a lot of weight, and I had incorporated that into the conversation later, saying "well if she looks like that of course you'll let her keep her bike there." He said that he doesn't see young women "like women." He said he has daughters in their early 20s, so that idea makes him uncomfortable.
How rare! It seems that older men are rarely brave enough to date women their age, probably because younger women make them feel more important, both because of the status of it, and because being younger, she is likely less accomplished. But Juan, a man accomplished enough that he COULD have younger women (I confess, I am drawn to him a bit) isn't comfortable with that.
I think the only way I could be luckier is if he was gay. To have a man in my life who sees me platonically, even if it's women he likes, is good for me I think, because I see men as such letches. I also have the insecurity that I think I have to attractive to be liked, it's good for me to see an alternative way of communicating with a man- and to see myself through a man's eyes, and not have it be sexual. (Ha ha, he also said that Latinos think white people are pretty, but not sexy, so I have 2 strikes against me, ha ha)
I got a little annoyed with him last week, because he hadn't set up the bed in his room (which was fine with me) but he wasn't using the sheets when sleeping on the couch. He was crashing without even using a pillow. I laid out some sheets, and the next day he put them away (which looked very nice) but then crashed again without the sheets. I said something to him about it, I hope it was light, the way I said it, and the next day he had his bed set up, tidyed the living room, and washed my dishes. It is evident that he cares, and so I was happy that I could make the chili and cocoa for him, and have another nice conversation, to show him that I also care.
During this conversation he described how spice fills your mouth, I cant even remember the words that he used, but they were very descriptive and poetic. It made me crave some chocolate ice cream with cayenne pepper that a shop down the street makes. As the conversation continued, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I made some hot chocolate with cayenne pepper (and a secret ingredient, but I'm not telling) It was SOOOOO delicious! So good! I would love so much to be a housewife, to spend my days cooking chili and hot cocoa sounds like heaven (I know you stay at home parents are rolling your eyes at how easy I am making the job sound.)
Juan said something that moved me. He had mentioned a (female) roommate had lost a lot of weight, and I had incorporated that into the conversation later, saying "well if she looks like that of course you'll let her keep her bike there." He said that he doesn't see young women "like women." He said he has daughters in their early 20s, so that idea makes him uncomfortable.
How rare! It seems that older men are rarely brave enough to date women their age, probably because younger women make them feel more important, both because of the status of it, and because being younger, she is likely less accomplished. But Juan, a man accomplished enough that he COULD have younger women (I confess, I am drawn to him a bit) isn't comfortable with that.
I think the only way I could be luckier is if he was gay. To have a man in my life who sees me platonically, even if it's women he likes, is good for me I think, because I see men as such letches. I also have the insecurity that I think I have to attractive to be liked, it's good for me to see an alternative way of communicating with a man- and to see myself through a man's eyes, and not have it be sexual. (Ha ha, he also said that Latinos think white people are pretty, but not sexy, so I have 2 strikes against me, ha ha)
I got a little annoyed with him last week, because he hadn't set up the bed in his room (which was fine with me) but he wasn't using the sheets when sleeping on the couch. He was crashing without even using a pillow. I laid out some sheets, and the next day he put them away (which looked very nice) but then crashed again without the sheets. I said something to him about it, I hope it was light, the way I said it, and the next day he had his bed set up, tidyed the living room, and washed my dishes. It is evident that he cares, and so I was happy that I could make the chili and cocoa for him, and have another nice conversation, to show him that I also care.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
What I found...
At the bottom of my hamper was a plate (in my defense- a clear plate) with a little bit of tortilla on it. I havent bought this brand of tortilla for months.
This, and the zits on my forehead since using "Body Fantasies" micro dermabrasion, convince me that I am, actually, a 15 year old boy.
(Side note: I looked at the back of the box of Micro Dermabrasion [that I bought at Marshall's] and saw that it is made by Parfums de Coeur. That is the company that makes designer imposter's perfume!)
This, and the zits on my forehead since using "Body Fantasies" micro dermabrasion, convince me that I am, actually, a 15 year old boy.
(Side note: I looked at the back of the box of Micro Dermabrasion [that I bought at Marshall's] and saw that it is made by Parfums de Coeur. That is the company that makes designer imposter's perfume!)
Monday, August 20, 2007
How I am successfully cleaning my messy room
You already all know I am a dork. You do if you read my blog, anyway. But I'm okay with being a dork, it's better to be a dork and know it than to be a dork and think your cool.
So guess how I am cleaning my room (which I hate doing, just like dishes) I am reading a page on blogexplosion then putting away or straightening 5 things, and then reading a new page. It's a distraction from the fact that I am being productive, and I am getting hits to my blog while I am at it.
Ha ha, I love how dorky I can be!
Back to work!
So guess how I am cleaning my room (which I hate doing, just like dishes) I am reading a page on blogexplosion then putting away or straightening 5 things, and then reading a new page. It's a distraction from the fact that I am being productive, and I am getting hits to my blog while I am at it.
Ha ha, I love how dorky I can be!
Back to work!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Summoning the Domestic Goddess
Oh god! Yesterday morning I got up at nine and cleaned the hell out of my room. I got tired around 1PM and then pretty much quit around 3:30. I thought that was fine, that I would rest for the rest of the day, and then start up again this morning on a rampage. But I'm not on a rampage. I am a lazy bum.
This is my problem, the house is moderately neat, and I am ready to quit. If I quit cleaning when the house is moderately neat, it will never be CLEAN. I want my house to be CLEAN. I want it to look like this again. And I want to give keeping it that way a try. I am so tired of having a messy house. I am so tired of not being able to find things. I am so tired of going on vacation, or on a trip for work, and being sad to be home. My apartment is very nice, it's the way I keep it that is depressing.
Okay, this post is inspiring me. And according to the picture, I have been on Risperdal for 2 years, not one. All the more reason to go off it now, I am used to being calmer, so it should be an easier transition to go off of it. Besides being crabbier and hornier I have barely noticed the reduced risperdal, and that was during withdrawl symptoms. I feel optimistic.
Okay, lets give this cleaning thing a try.
This is my problem, the house is moderately neat, and I am ready to quit. If I quit cleaning when the house is moderately neat, it will never be CLEAN. I want my house to be CLEAN. I want it to look like this again. And I want to give keeping it that way a try. I am so tired of having a messy house. I am so tired of not being able to find things. I am so tired of going on vacation, or on a trip for work, and being sad to be home. My apartment is very nice, it's the way I keep it that is depressing.
Okay, this post is inspiring me. And according to the picture, I have been on Risperdal for 2 years, not one. All the more reason to go off it now, I am used to being calmer, so it should be an easier transition to go off of it. Besides being crabbier and hornier I have barely noticed the reduced risperdal, and that was during withdrawl symptoms. I feel optimistic.
Okay, lets give this cleaning thing a try.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Happy Pride!
I missed the Pride parade today. Thats okay, I had a good day, I have been cleaning my disaster of a room since 9AM today. I am pretty tired right now, and I still have more to do, but I do feel good about how much I have accomplished.
It's so weird. I had about 4 boxes of stuff to sort through, during very anxious times this seems like an impossible feat, but today it was just fine, it went by surprisingly fast. The trick was I took the stuff out of his room the night before.
Happy Pride!
It's so weird. I had about 4 boxes of stuff to sort through, during very anxious times this seems like an impossible feat, but today it was just fine, it went by surprisingly fast. The trick was I took the stuff out of his room the night before.
Happy Pride!
Monday, April 30, 2007
How to be happy
My right blinker wasn't working for quite some time, and last night I FINALLY replaced it, I felt so happy!
Now I am sorting my laundry (nearly all the clothes I own is dirty- hee hee) and I feel a little better the less messy my room is. So why am I laying in bed typing this post instead of continuing?
I think the key to making myself happy has got to be to accomplish things. When my room is completely clean it makes me so happy. I just have the issue that when I push myself too hard my system shuts down, like an overstimulated baby, so just saying "get it done" doesn't work for me.
Hmmmm, what did work was paying myself for my work. I gave myself a wage and bought clothes. The clean house made me happy, and the clothes made me happy. Maybe I will do that again, although I don't have any money to spare if I am going to Uganda/possibly going to mainline.
I have some bad habits that are really holding me back. I would like to stop that.
Now I am sorting my laundry (nearly all the clothes I own is dirty- hee hee) and I feel a little better the less messy my room is. So why am I laying in bed typing this post instead of continuing?
I think the key to making myself happy has got to be to accomplish things. When my room is completely clean it makes me so happy. I just have the issue that when I push myself too hard my system shuts down, like an overstimulated baby, so just saying "get it done" doesn't work for me.
Hmmmm, what did work was paying myself for my work. I gave myself a wage and bought clothes. The clean house made me happy, and the clothes made me happy. Maybe I will do that again, although I don't have any money to spare if I am going to Uganda/possibly going to mainline.
I have some bad habits that are really holding me back. I would like to stop that.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Tired of real life
My last post was my 666th post. I don't think the Caramel Cookie people would be happy.
Well I have had two nice and productive days. I was ready for more, but now I am running out of steam.
I got nominated for a position on the Union, after learning that others are running (meaning I am not needed) I decided to decline, but even so, I have to send a fucking fax. Then, there is a 10K that I am going to walk with my sister Linda next week so I have to sign up for that.
Also, I am going to take Aslam to the mall (he is only a consultant in my city, so he lives at a hotel casino in the boondocks, with no car) so I have to get myself cuted up, clean my car and have my bags packed for work.
I know this all doesn't sound like much, but I have stuff to get ready for the Uganda trip. I would really rather be working on organizing my bedroom.
I will get it done, I swear I will. I guess the answer is to just push forward and do what needs to be done. Maybe I will record it so I will feel motivated.
Well I have had two nice and productive days. I was ready for more, but now I am running out of steam.
I got nominated for a position on the Union, after learning that others are running (meaning I am not needed) I decided to decline, but even so, I have to send a fucking fax. Then, there is a 10K that I am going to walk with my sister Linda next week so I have to sign up for that.
Also, I am going to take Aslam to the mall (he is only a consultant in my city, so he lives at a hotel casino in the boondocks, with no car) so I have to get myself cuted up, clean my car and have my bags packed for work.
I know this all doesn't sound like much, but I have stuff to get ready for the Uganda trip. I would really rather be working on organizing my bedroom.
I will get it done, I swear I will. I guess the answer is to just push forward and do what needs to be done. Maybe I will record it so I will feel motivated.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Another successful day?
Yesterday was a success I have decided. I got a lot accomplished, and with very little anxiety. But I need to continue. I have a lot to accomplish.
A month or so ago I was so happy, this happiness attracted attention, and then I was even happier. That happiness was a result of getting my room really clean, if I continue to clean and can get to that level of clean again, I predict my mood will be very good. I want to make that a goal for these days off (I especially want my room to be clean when I return from Uganda)
It's nearly two and I haven't started yet. I feel really weird, I think it's because I drank one of those "enviga" drinks. I bought it because it was the cheapest of all the energy drinks, but what I didn't think of is based on what they advertise, it is basically like drinking a diet pill. I know from experience that diet pills are terrible for mental health, so I am not sure if I should drink them. I bought 6 of them with the intention of having them by my bed so I could get up earlier, I am not sure how I will use them.
Right now I am watching the Montel Williams show discussing Cho Sung-Hui. I am still so facinated. I think understanding him can help us understand aspects of our culture. One thing that was interesting to me was reading about an albino rapper who noticed that white kids picked on him in the cruelest ways, they would say "your mom didn't want you" "you are a freak" really dehumanizing things, but the black kids would say "come on Casper, lets go" teasing, but still treating him like a human. I guess people would entertain themselves by trying to get this Cho guy to talk. He was so shy that he wouldn't even respond if you said hi to him, but they would still pick on him like that, the most defenseless kid possible. I hope that a dialogue about bullying continues in the US.
Okay, enough about that. The show is almost over, I have to get my focus back. I owe myself to have a clean house. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a clean house. I am perfectly cabable of doing this...ugh!
A month or so ago I was so happy, this happiness attracted attention, and then I was even happier. That happiness was a result of getting my room really clean, if I continue to clean and can get to that level of clean again, I predict my mood will be very good. I want to make that a goal for these days off (I especially want my room to be clean when I return from Uganda)
It's nearly two and I haven't started yet. I feel really weird, I think it's because I drank one of those "enviga" drinks. I bought it because it was the cheapest of all the energy drinks, but what I didn't think of is based on what they advertise, it is basically like drinking a diet pill. I know from experience that diet pills are terrible for mental health, so I am not sure if I should drink them. I bought 6 of them with the intention of having them by my bed so I could get up earlier, I am not sure how I will use them.
Right now I am watching the Montel Williams show discussing Cho Sung-Hui. I am still so facinated. I think understanding him can help us understand aspects of our culture. One thing that was interesting to me was reading about an albino rapper who noticed that white kids picked on him in the cruelest ways, they would say "your mom didn't want you" "you are a freak" really dehumanizing things, but the black kids would say "come on Casper, lets go" teasing, but still treating him like a human. I guess people would entertain themselves by trying to get this Cho guy to talk. He was so shy that he wouldn't even respond if you said hi to him, but they would still pick on him like that, the most defenseless kid possible. I hope that a dialogue about bullying continues in the US.
Okay, enough about that. The show is almost over, I have to get my focus back. I owe myself to have a clean house. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a clean house. I am perfectly cabable of doing this...ugh!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Yay for me!
Well, I half cleaned my room. It is still not how I like it, there is a cardboard box full of stuff to be sorted, a pile as big as a mountain full of dirty clothes, and the rug needs vaccuuming, but it looks like a messy human being lives here, not a mental case.
It's funny, I was a little dissociated when I did it. I felt like I was cleaning up after someone else. It was the healthy me cleaning up after the sick me. And I am feeling hopeful that the sick me can stay underwraps for awhile.
Thats the thing. I am not seeing my depression related problems as "me" anymore, I am seeing them as the sickness. That is a really good thing about going to therapy, it has taught me not to see depression as my identity, which I definately did. My identity is a very nice, smart, funny and analytical. The things that are attached to the depression are symptoms of the sickness, not me. I have depression, not am depression.
Well, the reason I stopped cleaning was I was at a stopping point, and have something I need to focus on, my taxes. I have to get them done so I can have money for Uganda. I really should have been more proactive in the money situation, I have been spending a lot and not doing all the money things I should. I still don't know what the tickets are going to cost me, well and there are a lot of things not done yet. Okay, I am feeling anxious now, time to get back to work.
Bye!
It's funny, I was a little dissociated when I did it. I felt like I was cleaning up after someone else. It was the healthy me cleaning up after the sick me. And I am feeling hopeful that the sick me can stay underwraps for awhile.
Thats the thing. I am not seeing my depression related problems as "me" anymore, I am seeing them as the sickness. That is a really good thing about going to therapy, it has taught me not to see depression as my identity, which I definately did. My identity is a very nice, smart, funny and analytical. The things that are attached to the depression are symptoms of the sickness, not me. I have depression, not am depression.
Well, the reason I stopped cleaning was I was at a stopping point, and have something I need to focus on, my taxes. I have to get them done so I can have money for Uganda. I really should have been more proactive in the money situation, I have been spending a lot and not doing all the money things I should. I still don't know what the tickets are going to cost me, well and there are a lot of things not done yet. Okay, I am feeling anxious now, time to get back to work.
Bye!
Friday, March 16, 2007
I'm happy!I
Guess what everyone! I'm happy! I feel hopeful again! I feel like...myself!!! I feel that I can manage my life again :) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
What it took was cleaning. I made a promise to myself that I would give myself a wage for the work I did, and get to buy clothes with it, and I started cleaning. I started with the dishes, spread out to the counter, then the floor, and outward from there. I took some breaks, but I was so easy on myself that I actually was motivated to do more :)
I rearranged my room a little bit, I think that is a healthy thing to do, because it creates a new enviornment so I can start fresh.
I feel really relaxed and in control! YAAAAY!
BTW, I have been putting myself to sleep with stress relief hypnotism Mp3s downloaded from Limewire, I wonder if that helped? I am sure having the anti-depressants build up in my body helped too. But number one? I think is taking control of my enviornment, and creating a calming, not chaotic enviornment.
What it took was cleaning. I made a promise to myself that I would give myself a wage for the work I did, and get to buy clothes with it, and I started cleaning. I started with the dishes, spread out to the counter, then the floor, and outward from there. I took some breaks, but I was so easy on myself that I actually was motivated to do more :)
I rearranged my room a little bit, I think that is a healthy thing to do, because it creates a new enviornment so I can start fresh.
I feel really relaxed and in control! YAAAAY!
BTW, I have been putting myself to sleep with stress relief hypnotism Mp3s downloaded from Limewire, I wonder if that helped? I am sure having the anti-depressants build up in my body helped too. But number one? I think is taking control of my enviornment, and creating a calming, not chaotic enviornment.
Irresponsible
I couldn't find my insurance card this morning so I canceled a dentist appointment at the last minute. And I simply dont care. All I care about is going back to sleep.
I need to pull myself back together.
I need to pull myself back together.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
My own private prison
I was just at my sister Linda's house and I was just fine, but now that I am home, suddenly I feel sad.
Home has always made me sad, except maybe when I lived with my mom. Home was the place I retreated to, because the pressure of dealing with people was gone, but then I would be sad there alone, and surrounded by mess.
Then, to make it worse, I wouldn't allow myself to leave. I would turn down social opportunities because "I had to get the house cleaned this week- finally." In the period of two years my house might be clean twice, yet I put my life on hold thinking it might actually happen this time. I kept myself here, wouldn't allow myself to go out, as if I created a prison for myself.
Will home ever be a place of refuge? Not sad refuge but happy refuge? I sure hope so. It was getting there for awhile. I am sure I am not too far off.
Home has always made me sad, except maybe when I lived with my mom. Home was the place I retreated to, because the pressure of dealing with people was gone, but then I would be sad there alone, and surrounded by mess.
Then, to make it worse, I wouldn't allow myself to leave. I would turn down social opportunities because "I had to get the house cleaned this week- finally." In the period of two years my house might be clean twice, yet I put my life on hold thinking it might actually happen this time. I kept myself here, wouldn't allow myself to go out, as if I created a prison for myself.
Will home ever be a place of refuge? Not sad refuge but happy refuge? I sure hope so. It was getting there for awhile. I am sure I am not too far off.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
pro-anorexia
Can anyone fill me in a little on Blog ettiquette?
When someone posts a comment what should you do if you appreciate it? What should you do if you want to tell them what an asshole they are and what you think of their mother? I couldnt't find anything on "blogger" Is there a webpage someone can lead me to?
Well as for now I want to say thanks to the people who commented. Is it also good ettiquette when you read a blog to comment?
I have gotten two little comments and they are going to keep me at it. Blogging felt cathartic the minute I began, just to write to "somebody" without having the accountability of writing it to someone you know who might say "what a loser" or "I am so worried about her." By the way... Its totally cool for you to say "what a loser" to me, because I don't know you...so shoot. But think of this, what if a 11 year old girl related to what I had to say, and you said "what a loser" and she read it. Now you are telling a sweet 11 year old girl she is a loser. I bet you feel bad about yourself now. But back to what I was saying...it feels good to write this stuff anyway, but to have people say nice things felt great...thanks!
This brings up a memory. About 3 years ago I was a creative city girl in a conservative small-town college. VERY lonely, and very isolated. I spent alot of time looking at "pro-anorexia" websites/blogs. I related so much to these sick young people, and it felt good to see I wasn't alone in my nightmare. But these sights were such a celebration of being sick, and they helped me fall deeper into illness. I would love to offer one person that feeling of comfortable, anonymous camraderie, but to be able to show the joys of HEALTH, not suggest that illness is a bottomless pit that doesn't end. It would feel so good to know (or imagine) that my pain could help guide someone into a doctor's office, or help them see that depression doesn't last forever. BTW, I hope that "spider" only relates to my messy, messy room and bone-head boyfriends, not to all of this mental-health sturm und drang, but one way or another, thanks alot for your nice comment! If you ever publish your blog publicly I would love to see it :)
It is again time for my beloved roommate to arrive. I want to get the dishes done so she wont be upset that I am home sick. I would hate to live with me right now...to be more lethargic than usual is saying alot! I have decided to psuedo-name my roommate "Emma." it just seems appropriate.
When someone posts a comment what should you do if you appreciate it? What should you do if you want to tell them what an asshole they are and what you think of their mother? I couldnt't find anything on "blogger" Is there a webpage someone can lead me to?
Well as for now I want to say thanks to the people who commented. Is it also good ettiquette when you read a blog to comment?
I have gotten two little comments and they are going to keep me at it. Blogging felt cathartic the minute I began, just to write to "somebody" without having the accountability of writing it to someone you know who might say "what a loser" or "I am so worried about her." By the way... Its totally cool for you to say "what a loser" to me, because I don't know you...so shoot. But think of this, what if a 11 year old girl related to what I had to say, and you said "what a loser" and she read it. Now you are telling a sweet 11 year old girl she is a loser. I bet you feel bad about yourself now. But back to what I was saying...it feels good to write this stuff anyway, but to have people say nice things felt great...thanks!
This brings up a memory. About 3 years ago I was a creative city girl in a conservative small-town college. VERY lonely, and very isolated. I spent alot of time looking at "pro-anorexia" websites/blogs. I related so much to these sick young people, and it felt good to see I wasn't alone in my nightmare. But these sights were such a celebration of being sick, and they helped me fall deeper into illness. I would love to offer one person that feeling of comfortable, anonymous camraderie, but to be able to show the joys of HEALTH, not suggest that illness is a bottomless pit that doesn't end. It would feel so good to know (or imagine) that my pain could help guide someone into a doctor's office, or help them see that depression doesn't last forever. BTW, I hope that "spider" only relates to my messy, messy room and bone-head boyfriends, not to all of this mental-health sturm und drang, but one way or another, thanks alot for your nice comment! If you ever publish your blog publicly I would love to see it :)
It is again time for my beloved roommate to arrive. I want to get the dishes done so she wont be upset that I am home sick. I would hate to live with me right now...to be more lethargic than usual is saying alot! I have decided to psuedo-name my roommate "Emma." it just seems appropriate.
"general malaise"
One of the worst things about feeling like shit all most of the time is you never know when you are actually sick. I used to be sick from school all of the time, but many of the times I was just too worn out from the stress of social interaction. On the other hand, cortisol suppresses immune function, so being a stressed out person makes you more succeptible to getting sick.
I just spoke with a triage nurse who said it sounds like I have a sinus infection and I ought to be seen. HELLO! that means yes, you are indeed too sick to go to work, but I still feel like I am faking it.
Part of it is how damn convienient it all is. I have been stressed out from my classes at the museum. I visited my family last week when I really felt the desire to relax, I am behind on cleaning, laundry, and a best friend from college is coming into town this weekend! I mean, what a nice coincidence. I get sick, with a non-contagious illness that makes it so in 2 days I should not be on an airplane, but I will be well enough to get things done and see a friend I haven't seen in ages. I suppose I should enjoy lifes little "pleasures" (a sinus infection, how pleasurable)
I just spoke with a triage nurse who said it sounds like I have a sinus infection and I ought to be seen. HELLO! that means yes, you are indeed too sick to go to work, but I still feel like I am faking it.
Part of it is how damn convienient it all is. I have been stressed out from my classes at the museum. I visited my family last week when I really felt the desire to relax, I am behind on cleaning, laundry, and a best friend from college is coming into town this weekend! I mean, what a nice coincidence. I get sick, with a non-contagious illness that makes it so in 2 days I should not be on an airplane, but I will be well enough to get things done and see a friend I haven't seen in ages. I suppose I should enjoy lifes little "pleasures" (a sinus infection, how pleasurable)
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