I will miss his southern drawl

I made it to work. I didn't call in sick, I wasn't late, I made it, and I was tired but it was all good. I tell you what, except for the lack of sleep, I just love my job. It's just fun. Well, except for the lack of sleep and the money, but I shouldn't be complaining about that right now- although it's time for me to quit shopping, because my money is back to normal now (oops! I was going to put some aside to go to Bangladesh! I better get on that!)

So anyway it was a fun trip. I flew with a favorite pilot, who has been there from the beginning. He talks with a strong southern twang, and he talks a lot! It was fun. He is going to what I will call "the new base" because we are going to start flying for a new carrier. I will miss him. I miss a lot of the old pilots, because our airline is a regional, so it is only a stepping stone for pilots.

Today in the crew lounge was like being reunited with all the best of them. First let me mention the one I am in love with (which one? you ask) well I don't know what I called him, but he is my favorite. He just got engaged, but I know that he would be interested if he wasnt. It gives me hope. HE would totally be the one. Him and I were cracking up about "The pick up artist." Then there was a guy who sold me the PDA phone a few years ago. And my biking buddy, remember him? And vegetarian dreamboat pilot was there, and the Nigerian guy who has a crush on me and who volunteers for children. Was there anyone else there? I swear there was. I just looked like the most popular girl in school. Oh yeah, the older guy who makes me melt (GOD I CANT REMEMBER THE NAMES I MADE UP FOR THESE GUYS!)

Maybe the highlight of the week was singing in the plane. There were two times I was getting really worn out, so I was singing songs over the loudspeaker before the passengers came on. The captain was cheering me on, but you know what? I can never tell if he is sincere. I don't care. It really cheered me up. I just wanted to laugh and singing really does relieve stress.

And then at the end of the day I went to IKEA. But that's the end of my shopping for awhile. I can go to goodwill but thats it. I am down to the normal amount of money (except without credit card debt) so I want to keep it that way. I am happy I spent the money. When I started this blog I was unwilling to buy socks that cost more than a dollar a pair, so I wore greyed socks with all the elastic gone, I didn't feel I deserved any better. This month I have bought alot, but still (well) within reason. My most expensive purchase was probably a $30 pair of silver earrings.

I am giving myself an unintentional life makeover. I think that I know inside that I have changed for the better, and I am wanting to shed the depressed identity and replace it with a more current identity that reflects more accurately how I feel about myself.

Once again, I want all of you depressed people to hear me here I WAS AS DEPRESSED AS YOU ARE! I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. YOU CAN BE THIS CONTENT TOO! Stay in therapy, learn to think positively, be your own best friend, and find a way to help others. It will happen. I was suicidal in 2002, so it took a few years, but like it says on the bottom of my blog, every little thing you do to be healthier adds up. You don't see it at first, but it is there, and the tiny pebbles add up, and one day, if you don't give up, you can be on solid ground, like I am.

Okay, enough complaining about not getting enough sleep- howabout I go to bed now?

My Computer, and I, are back to life

I have so much to write, and on my newly repaired computer I could write for hours, but there is so much to say, too much, so I will just start from today.

I am just happy in my life. Very happy. No boyfriend, no big deal (though some sex would be REAL nice! Oh my god I miss it, and it's been a LONG time!) But minus the sex, just about everything is great.

I have gained back the 6 pounds I had lost, my room is still messy, but thats just things I will have to deal with I guess.

I just have energy (too much really!) so even though I am not everything I want to be, its no big deal, I have the energy to work towards it, I feel like I am moving forward.

I have been shopping (ALOT!) which is a GREAT sign. I have been checked for Bipolar disorder, and know that I don't have it, so this shopping I have been doing is a sign of health. I have been buying things for myself, meaning I find myself worthy of nice things. But, in spite of the amount of shopping I have been doing, I have practiced amazing restraint! See, my grandpa has decided to give me my mother's inheritance, and so he sends out money every year to shrink it down. Well he just sent out a check. (FYI, this contentment came BEFORE the check- cool huh?) I put most of the money to pay off my car (I only owe $2000 now!) paid off my credit card, and decided to allow myself $500 to buy clothes. I have been wearing mostly goodwill clothes for the past 5+ years so I have decided to upgrade my wardrobe to Target (hey big spender!)

Buying clothes for myself has been so fun. I have gotten very basic things, very simple style, with little trends mixed in to feel current. I have bought some very sexy heels, for wearing out, but I don't know how much more I will be going out, because I haven't heard from Kelsey in awhile. We'll see. Anyway, it feels so good to buy things, and to trust myself that I will not go overboard in spending, even when I have the money.

Really its like I'm becoming the old Diana again. And folks, I am talking REALLY old, like high school/early college Diana, one none of you ever knew. This Diana is bubbly, charasmatic, & sexy. Think Kelly Clarkson on her auditions for American Idol, or Heather Graham, maybe a little Drew Barrymore (who someone compared me to on the plane this week) I miss that Diana, and frankly, I thought she was gone forever, I thought the world killed her, and a sadder, more jaded Diana had taken over for good. Apparantly not.

Thing is too...this is big...I don't think I am going to get seriously depressed again soon. I really think that therapy made a BIG difference. I have not feared depression for months, and I used to fear it every time I was tired or crabby. Now I just say "Im tired" or "I feel crabby right now"

This isn't a very descriptive post, it's just where I am in my life right now. I had to break the seal and post something, because otherwise the pressure would get too big, and I wouldn't post anything.

Anyway- I am wishing you heath, and happiness. If you are feeling depressed right now, look at how healthy I am (happy- not manic) and know that I am just like you, and you will be happy again too. Just believe, be patient, and take care of yourself as best you can.

MWAH- love you

Progress

I am still frustrated with my habit of being lazy and isolated in the house on sunny days. This is not healthy behavior, and if I am going to fight this depression, I need a lifestyle that is fun, not depressing like this.

I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.

But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.

When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.

Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.

I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.

I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.

AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.

Dear Blog,

Why dont I want to turn to you anymore? You have helped me through so much, in fact, you have helped me become the person I am right now, so why would I give up on a good thing?

Maybe it's because I want to break from the life I had before Uganda, full of lonliness and isolation. Maybe I have reached the level where I don't need the crutch of the blog to coax me into living my life. Maybe I am not-depressed enough that moments of happiness arent as few and far between, so they don't stay in my mind as much as they used to.

I also am coming out of my shell now, I don't live inside my own head as much. When I was inside my own head my writing was so good, because it was like I was able to imprint my thoughts right onto the computer, but now I have moved my life out of my brain and into my home, and am starting to live outside my home too, so there is so much more activity in my brain, so I am not as good at capturing thoughts and transferring them to the page.

I won't give up on you blog, I owe you so much. You not only have helped me work out my feelings, you are an amazing record of the life I lead. If now my life is going very well I want to return and enjoy it in the future. Just as my mom's diarys gave me a window into her mind after she died, you could give my children a window into my mind after I die. Wouldn't I want them to see the joy in my life, not just the sorrow?

I am contemplating making a public myspace that I will show to my friends and family. Maybe part of the reason I am not as into blogging is I want to connect with the people in my life the way I have with myself and the readers of this blog. I have used this blog to inspire me to live a life exciting enough to blog about, how much more inspiring would it be to try to live a life exiting enough to share with my family and friends.

I will always value you though blog, you introduced me to myself, and I am very grateful.

So good, so so good.

I am in a good place right now.

I just went on a date with someone from online personals, and we really clicked. The date was sort of ending and he said he was debating whether to walk around the lake since it was so nice out. I walked with him partway and then we ended up walking around the whole lake. It was like we were from the same mind. Problem was, when he saw me, he didn't seem pleased with what he saw.

I was so annoyed by that, I found him absolutely adorable, but a little preppy, (I felt out of my league I hate to admit) and so as usual I was ready to accept my fate. After a half hour or so I suggested we wrap it up so he didn't get stuck in the rain. He declined and we continued to talk. And he also was the one who sort of extended it out after the fact, into a lake walk.

So it was a pleasant evening, we even talked about sex, but the evening was very platonic. (I did notice him looking at my breasts a few times though.- but it's not like that means anything coming from a man) I am not ready to give up on him yet, but I take my gut instinct seriously and am not going to let myself get lost in romantic fantasies that there is something there that might not be.

In the end though, I just know I am in a good place. A little of my insecurity showed itself, so I will need to work on that, but all in all I held my own. Ugh, yeah, he wasn't interested in that way I think. And I wasn't interested in that way either, but that is only because he wasn't interested, if he was interested I would think he is hot.

Waaah, now I wish he was attracted to me, he was just right. I guess when I make the choice of not being on weight watchers, I am making the choice that some people will not be attracted to me. That's the choice I make. Speaking of making choices, meeting him really solidified it for me that I made the right choice breaking up with Charles. Were just from different worlds. Waah

Afterthought: You know, looking at my picture on the personals site, he knew I was fat. Maybe with my hair back I don't look as cute, but knowing this I feel a little more confident. And when asking if my shoes were ok to go down a hill, I said yes, I chose these instead of my cute ones so I could walk, and then he complimented the ones I was wearing. Mixed signals. I am not going to get my hopes up, but I am not going to rule it out as a possibility.

Cheer for me

I was mildly depressed the last few days. I am convinced it is because I went without medication for 2 days (I took extra SSRI's to compensate, but those take a little while to build up in your body)

Well now I am in my workout clothes, and am going to go on a walk :) Thats the thing about depression, when you need to be living healthily (when you are depressed) you are unmotivated. It's quite the vicious circle.

I am grateful to be not-depressed again. When I laughed out loud to my Grandpa's scaring-the-dog story I thought "hey- this is nice!" And one thing I noticed when I was depressed is at least I knew it, I knew my thinking was skewed, and before therapy I didn't see my thinking as skewed, I just thought the world sucked and that I was a terrible loser.

Enough typing, more walking.

Pull it together Di

A few months ago I told my therapist "I am worried I might be falling into another depression" expecting her to be as concerned as I was about it. Instead she said "Your probably going to heve to pay attention to that your whole life" CRAP!

I guess depression is like weight loss. You don't get to go on a diet, lose 25 pounds and then go back to eating like you did, you have to watch what you eat and be active forever to keep the weight off. So my depression is like that too. I have to take my medication, excercise and eat right, go to bed at a reasonable time, be social, think in a healthy way and stop myself when I start thinking self-hating thoughts, and avoid triggers.

I have screwed up on two of those this week. The other night I spent 2 hours reading a profoundly sick girl going crazy on some random person's website. It was really facinating, the way watching serial killer documentaries is facinating, but I shoudn't have done it. Staying up late to read a website is bad enough as it is, expecially when I had an early show in the morning, but reading something like that is what a therapist would call "a trigger."

I am blessed with strong sensitivity and empathy. This is something that will make me a good parent and a good friend. Unfortunately, however, it, if not tempered with strong boundaries, makes me really vulnerable around sick people. I have the ablilty to feel another's pain, and I am good at imagining myself in another's shoes, but when someone's brain is really twisted you should not put yourself in their shoes, becuase your brain will feel twisted too.

I learned this lesson already, twice. 5 years ago one of the things that pushed me into my suicidal depression was pro-anorexia websites I spent hours visiting. Reading this girl's crazy rants seemed like innocent entertainment at the time, but for an hour or so after reading them I felt sort of paranoid and vulnerable. I felt so aware that predators like her are all over the internet. It was scary to imagine that someone like her could be reading my blog, so I felt like I didn't want to post anymore!

I am over the whole "scared of the internet psychos" phase, but the repercussions of staying up so late are still here. I ended up staying up late last night too, and I woke up this morning (if you want to call it "morning") and feel sluggish and lazy. I need to pull myself together, hit the gym, do some cleaning, and eat better foods.

Thats whats pissing me off too. I am SO TIRED of paying such close attention to what I eat! After starting the Risperdal I am the same weight as I was before i started it, but I am so much more cautious about my eating now. I wish I could see some rewards for my good habits instead of just not-gaining. (And yes- Risperdal has been worth every pound- generalized anxiety disorder feels like a noisy tape player is playing the same shit in your head at all times, not letting you think of anything else- the weight gain is so worth it)

I have come very far. Besides a messy room and a lazy streak I am not much different than the average college-dropout, which is saying a lot comparing myself to the girl who wanted to kill herself because she couldn't get a college degree. I'm not the person I want to be yet, but isn't that what life is all about? Trying to become a better person?

Okay, enough laying in bed navel-gazing. Lets get to the gym!

--Oh and side note...this is a lesson to me, if I persue a degree in Psychology, I have to remember I am not cut out to be a therapist (to adults anyway) Can you imagine me trying to treat the crazy girl from the website? I would be a mess!

I feel really whole

Visiting my mom's side of the family really replenishes me, really recharges my batteries. I know not everyone can say that about their families. I feel very fortunate.

Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.

I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.

I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.

I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.

I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.

And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.

Yay

How I went from suicidal to very happy

I check my statcounter about 4 times a day. I know there are people who read this blog regularly, and when I see that on the statcounter, it gives me a nice little boost. For so much of my life I have felt invisible, or worse, irrelevant, and when I see someone has read my blog I remember that yes, in fact, I do exist, and that I have something to say.

I just recieved a nice e-mail from a reader. (I am always open to e-mails, I just hated the pressure to reciprocate by having comments turned on) This reader has read this blog from maybe the first post, in March of 2005. Back then my blog was black, I couldn't fathom it being any other color, only black or a night sky could express the person I felt I was. I was 210 pounds, terribly depressed, anxious, as well as so socially anxious that I had a hard time going to the store for groceries.

I started this blog with the intention of using it in conjunction with psychotherapy, to track my moods. Instead I found a place to take my ruminating thoughts and worries out of my head, and to put them somewhere less toxic. It helped me to post these journal entries online, because it motivated me to keep posting. It made me feel less alone in my struggles with mental health, and it made me feel good to imagine I was making someone else fell less alone too. Also, knowing someone vulnerable could be reading kept me positive, I knew that if I was too dark, someone in a very dark place could feel worse. I also was mildly suicidal at the time, so a blog was sort of a record of what I was dealing with, something for my family in case "something happened to me."

And look at me in these last two weeks. I am no longer depressed, unattractive, and socially anxious, I am really vital, charasmatic, and GOD DAMN IT IM HAPPY!

I am living proof that suicide is not the answer, and that depression is treatable. Get it? Got it? Good. I know what you are thinking "but I'm different. I am such a loser. I am ugly. I am stupid" and I am here to tell you you are wrong. I thought those same damn things. I looked at other peoples blogs and saw them so far above me, but thats not reality. That is the depression speaking. Which leads to the number one reason why my depression is in remission

REASON NUMBER ONE I AM NOT DEPRESSED:
I believe I am as good as, not better, not worse, than everyone else. I believe that I deserve good things.

This is the key thing that I had to learn. I was very resistant, I came up with all sorts of reasons why I was a bad person. Or why I should withhold happiness from myself so I didn't become "stuck up" but this was all the depression talking. I also was very judgemental of others, especially happy people, I decided they were shallow because if they cared about the suffering in the world, they wouldn't be so happy. This was also the depression talking. By feeling morally superior I was justifying my own misery.

If I had not been willing to let this possibility in that I am worthy and deserving of good things, my depression would still be with me. Ask yourself, "am I worthy of good things?" If you say "no" then that is sick thinking. Just like glaucoma clouds your seeing, depression is clouding your thinking. If you don't believe you are worthy of good things, start pretending that you believe you are, and after awhile you will see reality...that you are worthty.

REASON NUMBER TWO THAT I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Medication and therapy.

Yes you have time for therapy. What you don't have time for is self destructive behaviors, they will not go away on their own. Go to therapy and skip Grey's Anatomy. If you believe reason number one, that you are worthy of happiness, you will know that you are worth more than Grey's Anatomy. If you meet a therapist and don't hit it off, try another one. You have to have rapport for it to work.

Take your medication every day. Dont stop because you are constipated. Dont stop because you gained or lost 10 pounds. Dont stop because you feel better "and dont need it anymore" keep taking it.

And maybe you have tried medication but it hasn't worked for you, or you had side effects. Keep trying. I have been through tons of medications before I found the ones I am using now. And at one point I am sure I will need to try new ones, thats okay.

If you cant afford therapy or medication go to community clinics with free or sliding scale. I have gotten excellent treatment from these places, and they do as much as they can to help, even giving free samples so you don't have to pay for medications.

REASON NUMBER THREE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I am not stubborn

When my therapist told me that verbally abusing myself would not help me get my dishes done I initially thought "well if I don't yell at myself it will never get finished" but I examined the possibility that she might be right, and listened to and tried her suggestions. I could say I was "lucky" because I was suicidal. I knew that if I did not change something, I would kill myself.

Therapists studied thinking and behavior AND YOUR ILLNESS for years. Be open to the possibility that they know what they are talking about. If the way you think and behave is so great, then, as Dr. Phil says "How's that working out for you?"

REASON NUMBER FOUR I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I look at the silver lining of every dark cloud.

Maybe you are a pessimist, I sure was. Well, you need to lose that. You can keep it if you want, but be aware you are making the choice to be miserable.

The good aspects of any situation are just as real as the bad ones. One of the tailights of my car is burned out. The pessimist sees that it will take time and cost money. The optimist sees that now I have the opportunity to check out the auto shops in town, so I know who to trust when an expensive repair is needed. Or maybe I can learn how to fix it myself. The good things are just as real as the bad things, and even though the good things are smaller than the bad things, I am choosing to see the good things.

Do you think I sound annoying to be so god damn positive? You should of heard me when I complained. Someone being abnoxiously positive is ten times better than hearing someone whine. Again, if you don't truly see the glass half full, just pretend that you do, and eventually you will.

REASON NUMBER FIVE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Baby steps

My depression didn't go into remission overnight. I was suicidal in 2001, and I have gotten progressively better since then, with medication and therapy.

Do as much as you can handle at a time. Dont beat yourself up if you make a mistake. Dont push yourself harder than you are ready for. Be gentle with yourself. The little things you do for yourself really add up.

REASON NUMBER SIX I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Healthy diet and excercise and sleep

I know if I read that I might get a pang of anxiety. We all know that we should eat right and excercise, but eating unhealthy foods or drowning ourselves in the TV is how we cope from this terrible pain and stress we are feeling. So don't get down on yourself for this, just see it as a worthwhile goal at some point.

Here's how I see it. If you are planning to have 2 big macs, fries, and a large coke every day, start by adding a multivitamin daily, and add an asian salad instead of one of the big macs. Then eventually you can eatonly half of the fries every day, then you can drink only a small coke every day, and drink water also. Ideally, you would eat all healthy things right away, but when you use food to cope, its not always that easy.

All I can say is when I started Weight Watchers to lose weight, a funny thing happened, my mood improved even before I lost any weight! The fatty foods I was eating were creating a sludge in my brain that made my depression worse, and the quantities I ate weighed me down, making me more tired. Nowadays I am finding when I eat a meal with no veggies, I feel depressed, and when I eat a really heavy meal, I feel sluggish and depressed. (And dont go overboard in the other direction either! You should never go under 1,200 calories a day, some doctors say 1,500)

Same with water. I cant believe how many times I have thought I was depressed, but after drinking a few cups of tea or water I realized I was actually dehydrated!

And excercise is a PROVEN anti-depressant. When I was really socially phobic I did excercise videos (when I had the strength to get out of bed of course) and they helped so much. Now that I am working out (weights are very empowering, and easier than cardio) I feel so good, and that is BEFORE I have lost any weight.

Less than 6 hours of sleep will contribute to depression (easy for me to say since you cant get to sleep) but too much sleep can also make you groggy. Dont beat yourself up if you arent doing exactly the healthiest things, just make 6-8 hours a goal
...................................................

Thats some of how I did it. There are other things like Buddhism and more social interaction that contributed, but the list was getting sort of long. While I am sure I will have relapses into depression again, I don't think I will ever be in the danger of suicide that I once was. Once you learn something you can't unlearn it.

Think I am full of shit? Or that you and your depression are somehow "different." I will make a bet with you. If you do all these six things in earnest for a year, and you do not feel different, e-mail me and I will send you $25 and write a post about how wrong I was.

Thank you so much for reading my blog. I hope it entertains and maybe inspires you. Please know that I know you all are reading, and you are one of the reasons I am doing so well today. I know you can get better too, I am just like you, I thought I couldn't but I kept trying and didn't give up, you will be the same. I promise.

AND NUMBER SEVEN....
Have as much healthy FUN as you can! You deserve it DAMN IT!!!!!

I have created a monster

That monster is me.

I have turned into the drunk on male attention monster. It dominates my mind. In many ways it motivates me, but I am taking it too far. I DONT want to be that girl who needs attention so bad that she flirts with someone until they notice her, but has nothing but minor interest in them, just to get that attention "fix."

The making out with a pilot was either a really good idea, or a really bad idea. I haven't figured it out yet. The next day after flying with him I was simply lovesick. I can't think of any other words. The kissing was really passionate and aggressive, and he kept using the profane words for body parts and intercourse, which really turned me on, basically he just turned me on. And he didn't want me for anything but sex, so naturally I was turned on even more. Sad really.

So the next day I was just squirming in my seat. I could hardly read my book, my mind kept going back to the pilot. I kept my cool pretty well with him, but I was nervous, and not the sexy, confident minx that got all these boy's attention in the first place.

Things got bad when we got to Idaho. The van driver was skinny and by a man's opinion hot, and he was flirting with her openly. I felt so possessive and I went out of my way to be friendly to her to try to hide my contempt. I still hoped he would knock on my door for another round of sex-free kissing, but I didn't linger around him to give him any cues, so I don't suppose I should be too hurt. In the morning the jealousy was even worse. He was looking at some pictures on the wall of airline employees and saying "Dawn and Amber are pretty hot." I got mad again then, but I wonder if he was doing it on purpose because I saw him smile at me and I said "what? do you want my input?" I wonder if my talking a lot to the (cuter than him) blonde first officer brought out the same feelings in him.

My instinct is that the chemistry and sexual tension were as thick with him as they were with me, but I just don't know. At the end I said "I had fun" while walking off the plane (not lingering) and he said "oh yeah" in that eyebrows up and down sort of way. I even saw slutty-swagger pilot in the parking lot, that made me smile. As I drove home I felt glad the extreme sexual tension was over with, but at the same time I felt like I had just been through a breakup. This awful pain was there, but so was this immense desire to lose weight. I drove straight to they gym, and I have worked out every day since.

In fact, I have been eating well (well, not quite enough, but I will fix that) and grooming really well these last few days, I have this new sense of confidence, I am ready to live the life I have been missing these last years, not to mention my whole youth. I feel like I have been handed the chance to be young and fun again, while I am still young! I don't want to be the 45 year old lady carrying on like shes 23 (paging Dina Lohan) and I am at the age that I can get away with it.

So what is the best way to go? I think to enjoy the attention when I get it, and do all of the physical things to attract it, but not to behave in ways to attract it, just let it happen. But what if I get another opportunity to kiss? I know for one thing I will FOR SURE only kiss if I do anything (can you imagine the puppy love if I had sex with him?) and I also know that I probably will do it again, because I am weak like that.

I am only ending this because I have to go to bed, I have so much going through my head right now. At least I am grateful to be not-depressed :)

Sunny Day :)

Well, there is a guy next to me breathing too loud, but otherwise this has been a great day.I am at a coffee shop near the airport, I just spent the last hour in a state park, I had a 5 hour sit at the airport with nothing to do (and no working computer) so I decided to go out and explore. The state park is right across form the airport so I drove right in and parked and after only a few minutes of walking I saw 10 deer. They were very calm deer. There was a great dane only 30 feet from them and they hesitated to run. I also poked ice in the lake with a large stick. Interacting with the environment like that relly brought me back to childhood. It felt very good. Earlier in the day I gat a call from Carter. I thought she may have snubbed me last night, so that was very comforting to hear from her. I discussed how uncomfortable I was the other night, and how if those were her friends I can see why she hates men, and she told me that Jim (the closeted homosexual) offends everyone he talks to and she sort of avoids him. I felt glad to hear that because I had taken it personally. Her and I talked for a half hour or so. Now I am heading back to the airport for a 9PM flight. Fortunately I get to stay in Wichita all day, I am hopeful that it will be warm, and that I can run (or fartlek.) I am very grateful to not be depressed. It is time for me to try it all again, to make the life I want for myself. When I was depressed my goal was to become not-depressed, but now that I am not depressed, I can create new goals. Okay, I have to run.

I'm happy!I

Guess what everyone! I'm happy! I feel hopeful again! I feel like...myself!!! I feel that I can manage my life again :) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

What it took was cleaning. I made a promise to myself that I would give myself a wage for the work I did, and get to buy clothes with it, and I started cleaning. I started with the dishes, spread out to the counter, then the floor, and outward from there. I took some breaks, but I was so easy on myself that I actually was motivated to do more :)

I rearranged my room a little bit, I think that is a healthy thing to do, because it creates a new enviornment so I can start fresh.

I feel really relaxed and in control! YAAAAY!

BTW, I have been putting myself to sleep with stress relief hypnotism Mp3s downloaded from Limewire, I wonder if that helped? I am sure having the anti-depressants build up in my body helped too. But number one? I think is taking control of my enviornment, and creating a calming, not chaotic enviornment.

Near Misses: I could have been a crack whore or a Scientologist

I don't think I have shared my latest addictive habit. For the past two weeks I have spent hours reading article after article about Scientology. I used to think of it as a pretty silly religion where people believed in aliens invented by a science fiction writer, but then I learned that instead it is a for-profit cult that exploits people with mental health challenges. I also love watching shows like "intervention" or seeing stories like a crack addicted prostitute on Tyra today. I read and watch stories like this not with the facination of observing total screw ups and feeling superior, instead I feel like I am looking at myself...I got so lucky, they all could have been me.

Scientology offers "free personality tests" that you take and no matter what you say they tell you that you are depressed. I would have loved to take a personality test, I always enjoy learning about myself, and it wouldn't have been inaccurate if it told me I was depressed. Next they would tell me that if I paid $280 (I think) I could buy an introductory package, and suggest I begin recieving "auditing." Well when I had my mom's inheritance I would have happily forked over $300. I spent that much on the "attacking anxiety" tapes on the infomercials, I would have paid whatever I had if it would quiet the loop of worry always playing in my head or that horrible void that made getting out of bed seem as difficult as lifting a car.

I would have paid my $280 and sat down for an auditing session. In this session they would have had me go back to a traumatic experience in my life, they would have me go over it and over it again, and have me hold on to some metal cans while I did it. I would have felt better afterwards, having had someone listen to my story would have brought some relief, and I would feel very relaxed, like I had been meditating. I would feel slightly confused by some of the wording they used, and they may have said some things about how much "the tech" helps me while I was in this suggestable state, so I would be beaming, ready for my next session.

Since I had $100,000 inheritance I would likely spend a few months getting alot of auditing, I would have stopped taking my medication, which would make me more vulnerable and needy of their "assistance." When sharing my new discovery with my family, my well meaning aunt would suggest that I may be being taken advantage of. This would hurt me terribly, I would talk to one of my many new "friends" I had met through scientology (terrific for me, since I was so socially awkward back then) and they would introduce me to the term "suppressive person" someone who you should have no contact with at all, even if they are family or friends.

After a few years I would be working for the "Church of Scientology" for terrible wages in exchange for "discounts" on my auditing. At this point my whole social circle would be in the "church" my life would revolve around it. I would reach a very high level on "the bridge" and be praying for the day that I could be an OT, an Operating Thetan, who can move things with their mind. Yes, that would be hard for someone outside the cult to believe in, but by this time I would be brainwashed, so doubt would be something I learned to suppress.

One day I would have been handed a pamphlet by a protester outside about "Xenu." According to the brochure I would learn at OT level 3 that the evil lord Xenu, in order to control alien overpopulation, sent aliens in spaceships that looked like DC8s to earth and put them in a volcano. Then he caught their souls and forced them to watch movies, and that these souls clumped together and attached to human bodies, and that is why we have problems.

I would have sat and thought about this, and other doubts that I had repressed would have come to the surface. I would have, with great earnestness, asked someone about these doubts, expecting that they would help clear them up. Instead I would be looked at as a troublemaker. I would persist and if I wasnt sent to a slave-labor prison camp (RTF) I would be declared a "Suppressive Person" and my friends, my husband, and children would never speak to me again. I would speak publicly about Scientology, and then be harrassed and have lawsuits put on me. If I had the courage to leave I would be broke, with no job, no friends, no family, and already anxious, would be in great fear. If I do everything they say before I leave they would send me through "reverse-auditing" which has given many people nervous breakdowns, so if I'm in I'm screwed, if I'm out I'm screwed, either way I'm broke.

I don't think I would actually get that deep. I once got duped into going to a "group interview" at a "health care company" called "Equinox" and left during the break, complaining to my dad that it was a cult. So I have the gut instinct to know when "something isn't right," but howabout all the other Dianas out there who haven't been so lucky as to have a psychologist mother for 9 years of her life.

What scares me about Scientology is the power and money that they have, and the tactics that they use to try to make themselves look like a ligitimate religion. I sincerely hope that the weirdness of Tom Cruise lately will help vulnerable people see that Scientology is a sophisticated for-profit cult and not a harmless albiet kooky church.

I get so mad when I see how people with childhood trauma are exploited by cults, pimps, and abusers. I look at my own life, in all of it's flaws, and feel so grateful that I, with all of my naive trust of people, and need for acceptance, haven't been taken to the cleaners by any of these scum-of-the-earth.

http://www.xenu.net/
http://www.torymagoo.org/
http://www.factnet.org/
http://www.cultnews.com/

Only a virus

I went to the doctor- get this it's only a freaking cold! Well yesterday I had a fever so cold THIS! I think I am the only person in the world who wishes that they could be sicker, but when I am knocked on my ass, I at least want to hear I have Tuberculosis or something so I am not some fucking woos! Poor baby, she has a cold.

In all honesty, times like these are when having a mental illness really affect my life. If someone were to say "poor baby, you have a cold" they would be under the assumption that without a cold I am well. The truth is, my life has a constant baseline of not feeling well, its like having a cold ALL THE TIME. I have good days, but most days I have to lift myself out of bed and propell myself forward, thinking the whole time "just keep going, keep going" Adding a cold to this is just too much. Actually I think I am being dramatic. I wasn't able to get going thursday so I checked my temperature and saw that indeed I am sick, otherwise I would have gone to work, I may have returned home, but I would have still gone. I am going back sunday, crappy-feeling or not.

I am realizing something. As much as I wish to will myself out of these health issues my damn body isnt allowing it. I pushed myself too far this month, I was too social and I didn't allow myself enough days off. What frustrates me is I had such a wonderful day the other day. I felt so average. And when I am average, it makes me above average, because I have all of the wisdom and gratitude that I have earned from my years of pain. It was such a good day (couple of days) I saw my family, went shopping, dyed my hair, the day after I got back I went to work, had breakfast with an awesome F/A, went to lunch with my mentor and her fabulous friends, went to class and went to work at the end of the day. It was an awesome day, problem is, when I fill my days so full like this I feel pressure to maintain momentum, and I shut down. It is such a fantasy to me to be that energetic all the time (or howabout 1/4th of the time!) I could get so much done! AHHHHH I cant wait to start therapy!

Heres a great thing. I used to be so ambitious. I know its in me. I have a drive that I can get/do whtever I want (well, within my body's permission!) When I remember that drive, I am excited, because I feel that drive in context of my health, and I think I am going to get alot accomplished. My dream used to be to be a campaign manager, or a published physical therapist....now its to be healthy! My life is already so fucking awesome, if I was healthy I could enjoy it, that would be so great, its really something to look forward to.

The fact that I am able to sit upright and type is a good sign. It just goes to show the power of the placebo. I saw that I had a fever, and I couldn't move. I will say one thing to prove I am DEFINATELY SICK! (in the body or head...that is the question!) This morning the nurse told me that she had a 10:00 appointment available AWESOME! I said to myself "I am going to be extra early, I am going to show up at 10:30" I looked at the bus schedule and everything. I didnt realize this faux-pas until I was walking to the bus stop! Now I am an air-head, but not that bad! So good thing I was not on a plane right now. A terrorist could come up to me and say "Let me in the flight deck door" and I would have called the captian and been like "A terrorist wants to get into the flight deck, thats not allowed, right?" I am kidding OF COURSE! But I can see myself making a stupid mistake and causing a delay, or making the company look bad (look worse.) If I am in a state like that, I am not going to be on top of things enough in an emergency. Besides, people just hate it when you sneeze in their diet sierra mist.

Come to think of it...having a cold is going to serve me pretty fucking well! I can get things done, but have an excuse to rest. I can see my girlfriends (& go shopping for a wedding dress YAY) but still go back to work, and I have a cute little doctors note to show that I am sick, but I came back anyway... what a MODEL employee!