Friday, August 31, 2007

What would my mother think???

She would be shocked! She would say "This isn't what I raised my little girl to be!" She would wonder what she did wrong...why would her baby girl do this to herself? be a...HOUSEWIFE?!?!?

I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.

More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.

First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.

The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.

But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.

Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?

...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.

It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.

So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.

In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)

I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Computer Addiction

You know what...I really do have "a problem" when it comes to the computer. No, I wouldn't stop feeding my kids if I had 'em, but it's a little too much. I have a habit of staying on the computer even when I need to go to bed, even if it's just to look at the same blogs I have checked already.

It's totally okay with me to waste a day, as long as I am happy doing it. It's okay to stay up too late, as long as I am happy doing it. But I have been online for an hour and a half, and don't really have anything to show for it.

I need rehab.

I KNEW all that time in front of the computer would pay off!

I won caption this on DListed :) :) :)

This isn't the first time I have won on a gossip website, I also won a Someone Haiku on

So what does this mean? I read too much gossip? I think NOT. I think it means I should read MORE gossip. I think the condition of Jack Nicholson's salivary glands is VERY important! (And if you know what I am referring to there, YOU read too much gossip!)

Dangerous Dairy

I have eaten some beef in the chili I made yesterday, and I went a little crazy with ice cream sandwiches today, I also have had a half a gallon of milk in the last few days. I rarely eat beef and dont drink much dairy, so I have released some room clearers!

One was SO BAD that I left the room and when I came back into the room, I could still smell it!

I hope this is cleared out of my system before I work tomorrow, you know pressurization expands gas don't you? Can you imagine being on an airplane the size of a city bus with your flight attendant releasing SBDs? Oh, and I fly with Vegetarian Dreamboat Pilot tomorrow too (but I don't think I like him- he whistles)

Monday, August 27, 2007


I am still frustrated with my habit of being lazy and isolated in the house on sunny days. This is not healthy behavior, and if I am going to fight this depression, I need a lifestyle that is fun, not depressing like this.

I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.

But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.

When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.

Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.

I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.

I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.

AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.

Spicy Hot Chocolate

I talked with Juan this evening, and I have learned that when talking to him, it goes on forever. I made some amazing chili, and made it without salt or making it spicy, because then we can add spice and salt to taste. I said "Because nothing is worse than making a recipe too spicy" he seemed surprised by this statement, and asked why, I said, "Because you cant taste any other flavors." He then, as expected, went into a long, passionate description of chilis and how they are incorperated into Mexican, and many latin american cultures.

During this conversation he described how spice fills your mouth, I cant even remember the words that he used, but they were very descriptive and poetic. It made me crave some chocolate ice cream with cayenne pepper that a shop down the street makes. As the conversation continued, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I made some hot chocolate with cayenne pepper (and a secret ingredient, but I'm not telling) It was SOOOOO delicious! So good! I would love so much to be a housewife, to spend my days cooking chili and hot cocoa sounds like heaven (I know you stay at home parents are rolling your eyes at how easy I am making the job sound.)

Juan said something that moved me. He had mentioned a (female) roommate had lost a lot of weight, and I had incorporated that into the conversation later, saying "well if she looks like that of course you'll let her keep her bike there." He said that he doesn't see young women "like women." He said he has daughters in their early 20s, so that idea makes him uncomfortable.

How rare! It seems that older men are rarely brave enough to date women their age, probably because younger women make them feel more important, both because of the status of it, and because being younger, she is likely less accomplished. But Juan, a man accomplished enough that he COULD have younger women (I confess, I am drawn to him a bit) isn't comfortable with that.

I think the only way I could be luckier is if he was gay. To have a man in my life who sees me platonically, even if it's women he likes, is good for me I think, because I see men as such letches. I also have the insecurity that I think I have to attractive to be liked, it's good for me to see an alternative way of communicating with a man- and to see myself through a man's eyes, and not have it be sexual. (Ha ha, he also said that Latinos think white people are pretty, but not sexy, so I have 2 strikes against me, ha ha)

I got a little annoyed with him last week, because he hadn't set up the bed in his room (which was fine with me) but he wasn't using the sheets when sleeping on the couch. He was crashing without even using a pillow. I laid out some sheets, and the next day he put them away (which looked very nice) but then crashed again without the sheets. I said something to him about it, I hope it was light, the way I said it, and the next day he had his bed set up, tidyed the living room, and washed my dishes. It is evident that he cares, and so I was happy that I could make the chili and cocoa for him, and have another nice conversation, to show him that I also care.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Gay Europeans Make My Nipples Hard

Yes, this song is 40 years old, but hearing it is just making me really happy right now. Especially when he says "Hello" SWOON

If I am such an international dater, why don't I ever date Europeans? Yummy.

Also...I don't think I want a boyfriend right now, I want a gay boyfriend! I need someone to go dancing with, and to develop a safe crush on, but not get scared away and push him away. I'm so sad Juan isn't gay.

Last night at the piano bar a guy said to me "you have the best smile ever" I was really flattered, and said "If I smile for you will you let me get to the bar and buy a drink?" He said "Yes, and a date" and I bought my drink, and when I left the bar he said something about the date and I just ignored him and walked away.

Watching the Pick up artist really puts it into perspective how hard guys have it, I didn't mean to be mean, it just sort of felt normal. :( My gut said he drinks too much, but how can you tell at a bar when everyone is drunk? His gut could have said I drink too much too. I wish I would have talked to him, or at least not have walked away so rudely. He said it in a joking matter, but I could have walked away in a joking matter, not in an insulting matter.

The Bachelorette Party/Bridal Shower

Last night was really, really fun. Really great.

I was accused of being a "Bridesmaidzilla" by Linda because I made these fancy gift bags for the bridal shower guests. (I admit, I did go crazy with them) but I dont think of myself as a bridesmaidzilla, because I really enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun.

I know that yesterday alone I spent $100, on alcohol and snacks, and I am not interested to know how much I spent on the gift bags (I intentionally did not keep track, I knew that would ruin the fun for me) and I plan to give her about a $125 present, so to me this seems like a lot of money on paper, but not that much when it comes to her, (does that make sense?) What I am trying to say is this is the easiest money in the world for me to spend, I just want good things for her. And none of this has been extravagant, just fun (like Red Stripe beer instead of Miller, because her honeymoon is in Jamaica.)

So last night was the bridal shower I "threw" for Linda. Here's the thing, I didn't really throw it, her college roommate Kara did a lot of the work. Really, it was a collabrative effort amongst all the bridesmaids.

We went to a (cool, not gimmicky) Tiki themed bar and a piano bar. Can I tell you people, I am a good singer. Really, I am. I wish I could use it somehow in my life, maybe I could start going to church...nah. ;)

My only complaint about the night is it didn't last longer.

Bachelorette PARTY

So I am drunk right now so I am going to leave you with this to celebrate Linda's Bachelorette party...

Why is this on the top 20 viral videos?

UPDATE: This video is MUCH better!

Friday, August 24, 2007

My favorite song on Kala (ok, one of them) ***I have to keep this at the top for a few days, it's just too cute***

I play this song over and over ago. How cute is it? These kids are from Australia, how often do you hear a loop from a digiradoo? I really wish this video had more pics of the kids, but at least I get to share the song with you...

Mango Pickle Down River

More about the kids:

The Wilcannia Mob

UPDATE: Here is the song "Down River" without M.I.A.'s "Mango Pickle." I realize she had to add something to it in order to put it on her album, but I wish she wouldn't have said something about skipping town without paying the rent. I think she should have kept it child-friendly, and put that part in another song.

Here are the adorable lyrics to the chorus of "Down River" (If anyone knows the full song, minus the MIA part, please e-mail me)

When it's hot we go down to the river and swim
When we go fishing we're catching the bream
When the river's high we jump off the bridge
When we get home we play some didj


I have NO CLUE what's going on!

You are having an operation or you arent. You do have cancer or you dont.

I guess I have to sit and wait like everybody else, but I feel really powerless right now. I want to support you but I guess you don't need my support? Maybe you've found some perspective and feel that "online friends" are not really friends?

I just feel like something is going on with a friend of mine, but the lines of communication are completely gone, and I guess I am really upset, and have no way to help.

If you fucking die, and you didn't warn me that it was a possibility, I will kill you.

I am writing this here instead of your blog because I am aware of how arrogant it is of me to think I deserve information any more than anyone else on your blog.

I cant WIN!!!

So, if I eat too little, I get insommnia. I GET IT!

Damn it! All I want to do is lose a little fucking weight! So what am I doing? Eating less. GEEZ! Yet I am still somehow failing. Why does it have to be so FUCKING HARD!?!

So if I have food with me all the time I will eat it, but if I dont have it around I will be hungry. Eating all the time is a lot of work, especially if you are trying to be healthy. 3 meals a day seems like enough work for me, this whole "5 small meals to keep your metabolism high" sounds IM-FUCKING-POSSIBLE!

And yes, I need to excercise more, but need I remind myself that when I was taking walks my spine went all fucking wacko on me (BTW, it has improved- now that I have stopped walking!)

Im just ANGRY. Probably because I am hungry, LOL. This is just really difficult. I have gained 3-4 pounds and I really see it, so it's important that I take this weight off, but I just cant stand how much work it is. I am doing so well too, thats what pisses me off the most. With all of my good choices I am making, I wish I would see more results. I suppose I can count weight watchers points again, but OH LORD that sounds like even more work (but I suppose it beats sleepless nights)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

I have a cool life

Guess what I'm doing right now? IMing with a person in Uganda!

I have such a cool life.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What I found...

At the bottom of my hamper was a plate (in my defense- a clear plate) with a little bit of tortilla on it. I havent bought this brand of tortilla for months.

This, and the zits on my forehead since using "Body Fantasies" micro dermabrasion, convince me that I am, actually, a 15 year old boy.

(Side note: I looked at the back of the box of Micro Dermabrasion [that I bought at Marshall's] and saw that it is made by Parfums de Coeur. That is the company that makes designer imposter's perfume!)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


It's a holiday! The MIA album comes out today. I am surprised I didn't get up at 8 to go buy it.

I am getting dressed up to go get it. I am trying to look thrown together though, but I have to be cute, because I am going to buy it from the hip-hop outfit down the street, and there will be BOYS THERE!!!!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Sugar Daddy (or Mommy) wanted!

If you have fresh breath, no BO, no criminal record, and you take me here I will make out with you for a half hour.

So next thing your going to tell me is "for $15,000, you could help so many people in a third world country" and to that I say "so what! I want to sleep underwater!" There are some things that rich people do that I think are a rediculous waste of money, but the idea of an underwater hotel is pretty fucking cool.

So who's up for it? I have been told I'm a good kisser! And I don't care if you have an eyepatch or a bum hip, as long as you pay for the trip, and use the scope, you get the smooches.

How I am successfully cleaning my messy room

You already all know I am a dork. You do if you read my blog, anyway. But I'm okay with being a dork, it's better to be a dork and know it than to be a dork and think your cool.

So guess how I am cleaning my room (which I hate doing, just like dishes) I am reading a page on blogexplosion then putting away or straightening 5 things, and then reading a new page. It's a distraction from the fact that I am being productive, and I am getting hits to my blog while I am at it.

Ha ha, I love how dorky I can be!

Back to work!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I have made a good choice

The evening after I told Juan he should move in I had an icky feeling in my chest. I wrote that I thought I was just tired at the time, that it wasn't my gut telling me I had made a wrong choice, and today I know that is true.

Juan moved in yesterday. He didn't exactly "move in" but he brought a few things and painted his bedroom (you read that right, he painted his bedroom the first day he arrived.) I was shocked by his choices of colors (he IS Mexican after all, and an artist) but they look pretty cool. The closet is a bright orangy-yellow, and the room is a bright greeny-yellow. It looks very cheerful.

I can see he is a good role model for me. He has a very busy and full life, but I think since he is a 42 year old Mexican-born man, I don't compare myself to him the way I do with a 26 year old American-born woman. Instead I see what he does better than me, and I want to emulate that, instead of feeling embarrassed and judged about my life (well I still feel embarrassed, but not judged.) I was so impressed with how he arrived at the house, went out and bought paint, came back, and painted. For me it would take me weeks to get that much accomplished.

I have also gotten to chat with him, and he is just an incredible and accomplished person. I learned that the magazine he publishes is not-for-profit. Most of the money they earn from the magazine goes back into the magazine, and I will tell you, it is really well done, it looks as good as a conde nast magazine. And it is very clear that the magazine is a labor of love for him, it is so important to him to show the Latinos in America the different opportunities and freedoms they have here, to teach them to think critically and come out of their shells.

He thinks a lot, (like I do) and he talks even more. Although my mind wanders a bit, I pretty much hang on every word he says. He is really smart, thoughtful, ethical, and unique. Unfortunately, he is not gay, but when I brought it up he showed that he was not homophobic at all, so I will survive.

I am glad he left the house, because once we start talking, he doesn't stop. But I like him a lot, I think he is a nice person, and I think he is inspiring.

Friday, August 17, 2007

A Beautiful Day

I cant put into words how georgeous it is outside, it's just amazing. My battery ran out so I had to come inside (I am at a coffee shop) but there are worse problems to have. I have a 3 hour break between flights, so I took a bus to the coffee shop as a way to get away from the airport, and I am really enjoying myself.

The eating only a little caught up with me, just as I knew it would. For the last two days I was too lazy to leave the hotel room for food, so yesterday I didn't eat until 3PM, and the day before probably 2PM. Both nights I ended up unable to resist the nut mix on the aircraft, the 500 calorie nut mix. Last night I ate a package of pringles too. Not eating in the morning backfired, I ate more calories, and from less healthy sources, at the end of the day. So hopefully today I learned my lesson. I had a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter, I am a little hungry right now (11AM) but not ravenous. I plan to have a healthy lunch and hopefully I can get back on track.

I am really addicted to being thinner. It feels so amazing to look in the mirror and like what you see. The night before yesterday I caught a view of myself from behind in mirrored beveled doors on the closet. I have some backfat that hangs over itself, but under that is a waist beginning to show itself. I have some love handles still, and a paunch on my stomach that I would like to shrink enough that it no longer creates a smile shape, but besides those things, I am pretty pleased with how I look. I don't mind cellulite or big thighs, I would like my butt to be a little higher, but I consider a big lower half to be womanly. My arms are chubby, but are proportional, and my boobs, while showing their age, are a manageable size, even with the milk in them.

One thing I don't like when I look in the mirror is my face has turned to pizza all of a sudden. Last week I bought a "micro dermabrasion" kit, and the day after I used it, my face was covered in tiny bumps! At least it happened now, not a few days before Linda's wedding, but I am so sad to have my already flawed skin look like a 15 year old's. Oh well, I'll live.

What's on the inside matters more than whats on the outside, but I am very happy that my outside is changing. I can see right now that most of the men I would be interested in in my age group have already paired off, and the supply is dwindling. If I am going to get the type of man I want, I will need as much going for me as possible, and men are visual creatures. Also, the most important thing to be attractive is confidence, and I feel beautiful and sexy at about 170 pounds.

But my own beauty is nothing, compared to the beauty of mother nature, so I am going to end this here, and go outside.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I am losing weight like a motherfucker

I cant stand it! I have lost 10 pounds, I am so happy about that!

I just dont have that compulsive need to eat now, instead of REALLY wanting junk food, I am really NOT wanting junk food, because it has empty calories. I am also motivated to excercise, and the more weight I lose, the more confident I feel, which helps my social phobia.

Thing is, I really have to do this in a healthy way, and I think I am mostly, but I feel like there is a trap just waiting for me to fall into, and I have to be mindful, because the last thing I need is new problems.

It's 12:45PM, and all I have had to eat was a small bag of light popcorn and some coffee. It's not because of some unhealthy thinking, it's because I am in the hotel room feeling lazy. But thing is I have these stupid thoughts telling me "maybe you should just wait until dinner to eat again" because I could, but that will not benefit me in the long run. I may lose some weight by restricting my calories dramatically, but I will slow down my metabolism, and not be giving my body the nutrition it needs.

I am in such a great place for weight loss right now! If I give myself a healthy plan I can stick to it, and maybe lose a lot of weight. But if I get greedy, trying to cheat by not eating enough, I will ruin this excellent opportunity, and could cause new problems for myself.

Okay, okay, I will leave the hotel room and go get a chicken salad.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Happy BirthdayDay

Today I went to 2 birthday parties. The first one was Linda's. I was planning to get up at 8, shave my legs and put self tanner on, but instead I woke up at 10, when linda planned to call me. (and when I was planning to be ready BTW)

It all worked out (for me anyway,) her tire popped, and she needed to get it repaired, & by the time I was up and ready and on the way, she said she was moving the party to her house, when I arrived I was able to help her clean, and get some last minute supplies.

One thing I noticed was how crabby Linda was. I knew how she was feeling, and I could see she wasn't able to calm herself down/cheer herself up. I was thinking about how I am usually able (lately anyway) to talk myself down and shift out of a tense, snippy mood like that. She did calm down, but it really made me reflect on my perception of myself as a "disordered" person. A lot of times I would think something was wrong with me because I would be so tense, and I wasn't able to see that everyone gets tense, everyone gets crabby, & everyone gets down in the dumps, no one is always happy and always perfect.

I can also see that a lot of what was wrong with me was not my biology, but my thinking patterns & resulting behaviors. I have been off of Risperdal for awhile, and frankly I am just fine without it. I am having some challenges, and I havent read a book since stopping, but most of the changes I can handle. I also enjoy that I am more enthusiastic and energetic. I was reflecting on the fact that I was in AFRICA, and wondering if I would have appreciated it more without Risperdal. I am also, of course, happy about the weight loss.

After Linda's party I went to TGIFridays to see Mary Anne, a former flight attendant from my airline. I was so proud of how not nervous I was, and I loved being out. One of Mary Anne's nieces really took a liking to me. She kept coming and talking to me and at the end of the night she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. That kiss lingered on my cheek for a long time. At the party was a pregnant pilot, a pilot that just had a baby, and other family members with children were there. It has gotten easier, but that huge hug and kiss on the cheek just warmed my heart like I couldn't believe. Something that was also a little shocking to me was the girls little sister asked me if I was married, and I said no, and she asked me if I wanted to be. And at the end of the night the girl who really liked me said I should get married and have kids. (out of the blue) It totally came out of nowhere, could they see the domesticity written on my forehead? I dont know, but I just loved those kids.

Also, I was proud of a conversation I had with my little friend. Mary Anne said "her name is the name of a goddess" and the little girl asked what a goddess was. I said "well many people tell stories to explain the way the world works, and the greeks said that gods and goddesses lived on a mountain and controlled things." The little girl said "thats bad, right?" and I said "some people think it's bad" and she asked "do you think it's bad?" and I said "not really." It was perfect. It wasn't preachy, but it was honest and descriptive. I wanted to pat myself on the back for that one.

I ate too much today but I had fun. I am really pleased with how far I have come in my social anxiety. I used to have social phobia, and I could say that that is probably cured. I still get anxious, but I get better and better every day. Some people even compliment me on how outgoing I am. I am very proud.

What a nice day.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Jennifer is a BEYOTCH

No, not really.

Today was her going away party thrown by Matthew, her "mean" friend. I wanted to avoid going at all costs. I had been praying for a long delay, or a cancellation so I could go to one of Linda's bridal showers today and have an excuse not to go- I even waited a long time to go home, to appear as if my flight went later, all because I wanted to spend as little time there as possible.

I talked to her on the phone (after I FORCED myself to call her) and ended up telling her I would go. I laid there for a half hour wondering how, after waking up at 3:30 central time, I would be able to muster the energy to lift my head, let alone get ready to go out, then Emma called and improved my mood enough to give me some energy. Besides I knew, I have been friends with her for a long time, and she has been bitchy most of this time, so there must be something about her that I like. "Don't burn bridges" is what I kept telling myself.

I begrudgingly went, and Jennifer didn't warmly welcome me. Not that she has to, she's got a lot of people to talk to, but she barely looked at me, I could feel the tension again. Fortunately the girl next to me was dying to talk to someone, which helped me feel included, and Raina was super nice to me, and relaxed, which makes me frustrated, because it seems like she is only now starting to like me, after she is leaving (she has always seemed so tense to me, until lately)

And I realize something now, I am attracted to Matthew, who makes me very uncomfortable, and who I think can be kind of mean sometimes. He said he was attracted to me (Jennifer told me) so it is nice to know that my discomfort is coming from that, instead of him having some sort of disdain for me (which I sort of wondered)

I left after about an hour, and was glad I went. I was hardly anxious at all! Only the normal anxiety when you don't know people at a party. And I have to show her love, even though I am mad at her. What I need is a good break from her, as we all need from our friends now and then, and then you forget you are mad and everythings okay. But she leaves for grad school wednesday, and this is her party, so I had to show support.

I dont know what direction our friendship is going. I imagine that is in her hands a lot. And of course maybe the reason she was being so evil is she is stressed and sad to be leaving this city and her friends here. Maybe I should take initiative to keep her in my life, I dont know, I see her the day after tomorrow, we'll see.

I better get to sleep. I am really behind in sleep this week. Too bad I cant sleep in tomorrow. Linda is having a picnic, so no.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an anxiety disorder

Its 11:19 and I am nowhere near ready to sleep. Yes, its hot in here but after getting so little sleep yesterday I should be knocked out.

I have tried for hours to listen to a relaxation CD, but by the time the "healing fog" has moved from my feet to my calves my mind is somewhere completely random. I turned the computer off but turned it on a half hour or so ago. Thank goodness though! Tay Zonday will be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight!

You know what. I say I give up on trying to sleep, clean and pack while waiting for tay zonday to come on tv, and eat an apple (just in case thats the problem) Laying around like this didnt help me yesterday, so why not try something different.

Hopefully this is my last post tonight

Roommate thoughts

One really positive thing- when I got home my roommate Raina was really nice. My feelings were REALLY hurt to hear she had said something about me keeping her awake, and not cashing checks on time, but now I assume that all along it was Jennifer, stirring shit up. She, and Raina's cousin Matthew are MEAN I tell you...MEAN!

And I am REALLY hopeful that Juan is gay. PLEASE JOSE be gay! I have a crush on him (and he is NOT a young or handsome guy) and I want to let my crush be free, not have to hold it back. If he is gay I can be his fag-hag OH PLEASE BE GAY!!!

One thing I need to do is be un-sexy, sister-like. I have a sometimes bad habit, sometimes good, of sending out signals. I think it has a lot to do with wanting attention, if I send out signals and get them back it boosts my ego. It is a terrible addiction.

Speaking of, I have lost over 10 pounds, and the difference is amazing. Men are SO NICE when you are pretty. Thats why men are dicks. But I still love having attractive scum of the earth be nice to me. I missed the attention SO MUCH! When you are overweight you are INVISIBLE, INVISIBLE I tell you. I love being visible. LOOK AT ME BOYS! I WILL DEVOUR YOU YOU FUCKS! ;)

Not really. I want love and babies. My man-eater days are over. I just want the confidence to like who I am and to be the person I want to be

Eat Diana

I just realized I tried to skip dinner tonight. That is simply not okay.

I feel like it's fine. The hunger just feels like a warmth in my stomach, it almost feels like a REMINDER that I am losing weight...but this isn't acceptable behavior. Losing weight is good, but losing weight in an unhealhty way is unacceptable.

Its okay to have that hunger if I have eaten 1,500 calories today, and have gotten enough protien and vegetables, but all I have had is oatmeal, coffee, a turkey sandwich and a banana. No one but a sick person would think that is an acceptable amount of food to eat in one day.

I have a salad in the fridge, I am going to eat that now.

Did you know eating disorders are the most fatal mental illness? I'm not saying that I would develop one, but my behaviors have not been healthy, and are not conducive to permanent weight loss, or mental health.

The Pick up Artist

I am watching episode 1 of the pick up artist on Vh1. I have a massive crush on all the boys except the 45 yr old. That is, now I have a crush on them. Until the guy turns them all into assholes.

He's got one thing right- confidence is everything. An ugly arse guy is attractive if he is confident enough.

OH, btw, my favorite quote: "What girl wants to date a guy with a nickname like 'spoon'?" -a guy who calls himself "mystery"

I've got a new roommate

I was going to look at roommates until the 13th, and make my decision on the 15th, but Jose was just too special.

Jose owns a graphic arts company, organizes a music festival every year, produced a children's book to help children heal from domestic abuse, and runs a print magazine. Why he wants to live in a tiny room like in my apartment is beyond me, but I suppose if your life is that busy, why would you want to pay a lot of rent, when you are only in the apartment (in his words) "from 11PM to 8AM."

He is 42, which is old, but his personality is rediculously affable. He seems very good natured and really smart. Only problem will probably be getting him to stop talking. Also, a populat man like that, who knows what kind of international honeys he will bring around the house.

I think I feel good about this. I don't feel good, but I barely slept, and only now (at 5:30) had lunch, so I think that could be it.


You read that last post right

yes, I am laying in bed, starving, because I am too polite to wake up my roommate who already dislikes me anyway


Its 4:30 AM, and I am not nearly close to sleeping. As it is now, I could clean my room for all I care.

There are many reasons why I think it's happening, number one, I didn't eat enough today. I am cutting down on my eating, and since my appetite is less from stopping the risperdal, I hardly need to eat, and I am not eating as much as I should (today anyway.) Today I had a HUGE omelette, toast, coffee, and a hummus sandwich. The omelette could count as two meals, but I should have some snacks too. I would get something to eat, but it would wake up my roommate, who complained to Jennifer about me "stomping around and rattling dishes"

And that is another reason I think I am not sleeping, I just had a rotten day with Jennifer. She is completely impossible, and since she is not my roommate anymore, I really dont need to walk on egg-shells do I? I was thinking about how she was complaining about her friend being evil for calling her friend matthew "mean" then when I suggested she might not be evil Jen got mad at me, because she just wants to believe her friend is awful, my suggesting another angle was "defending her unacceptable behavior" and then later in the day Jennifer said that Matthew is mean. What a bunch of crazy.

I also feel really humiliated to learn that my roommate was upset about me not cashing checks soon enough. If she is mad at that, but doesnt show it, what else is she mad at? (one thing- she hates when I soak recyclables. She throws them from the sink, into the recycling, unwashed)

Then I am anxious because I posted a roommate ad, and its a lot of excitement. I am thinking I want a man, because I am so tired of women's bullshit (like not telling me they are mad, or being rediculously sensitive where you cant even try to cheer them up) but I am afraid if I live with a man I will either sleep with him, or want to sleep with him. Both would be bad. Maybe a gay man would be perfect- nah, they are the biggest bitches of them all!

I drank an energy drink at 4 today, I am sure that didnt help matters much. I want to SLEEP! AAAAH! I am supposed to show the apartment tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Starting Fresh

A few days ago I was lamenting the fact that 2 of my single friends are leaving the city. Jennifer is going to grad school in Arizona, and Emma is taking a 10 month position in Bangladesh. I was sad and upset, but after today, I am okay with it.

I am sad about Emma leaving, but Jennifer I am glad about. I love her, I really do, but she drives me up the fucking wall. She is a dominant personality, and has some unhealthy thinking patterns that she is too stubborn to recognize, and far too defensive to have them pointed out.

Today she was complaining that her friend said her friend/lover Matthew is mean. Well, he is sortof mean. So she complained and complained about how wrong it was for her friend to judge her so, and I kept trying to point out that her intentions were probably good. (No, I did not mention that I also think Matthew is mean)

At one point Jennifer said "WHY DO YOU KEEP DEFENDING HER?" and I made a point to counter her as vigorously has she stated it, because she intimidates to get her point across. I let her know that sometimes she has a negative perspective on things, and that I was just making sure she could see that there may have been only concern, not malice and judgement coming from her friend.

I wont go into the conversation any deeper, but needless to say you cant win with Jennifer. Its her way or the highway. That is how I relate to her, I just let her have her way, because arguing with her is just so annoying. She wants her way, she gets it. It's not that rewarding a good percentage of the time.

Now that she will be going to Arizona I will have her in small bits, and only over the phone, so I can hang up when she starts getting impossible, which is often.

Another thing that at one point in my life would have stressed me out is my roommate (Jennifer's friend) is going to grad school too. All this time I thought her and I were fine, but it turns out that she had made comments about me to Jennifer. I am sure it was just venting, not talking smack, but its still annoying to hear about it third hand. Jennifers dumb way about relaying the message adds to the abnoxiousness of the whole thing, but who cares? Because she is leaving in a week.

I have to face the fact that I will be judged for my lifestyle, even if it is because of depression. In fact, the fact that I acknowledge the depression as the cause of the isolating and procrastinating probably makes people judge me more, because it's seen as an excuse, not simply a reason, or one of many challenges that I have faced, one, like many others, I will be successful at, but am yet to overcome.

But it is at the top of my list to deal with. Laying in my bed surfing the internet on a sunny day is not how I want to live my life. I am living the lifestyle that worked for me when I was depressed, but I am not depressed now, and I need to break these habits, or I will be depressed again.

What I am planning to do on my anti-social days is this, if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone at the gym and the coffee shop. I hopefully will go to the gym, take a shower, and then look at gossip sites at the coffee shop. I have NO problem being a complete bum, who does nothing but lift weights and drink coffee, as long as I am a happy bum. Right now, I am not a happy bum.

The great news is, a new roomate doesnt ever need to know about my gossip in bed on a sunny day habit. He or she will only see what I present to them, so I can try to make my bum habits part of my past.

A fresh start is great. I feel lucky, not stressed

Monday, August 06, 2007

Well at least I got out of the house

I got a random call from my cousin tonight asking to crash at my house. I didn't want to bother my roommate while we caught up so I suggested a coffee shop or bar, and leaned towards a bar because of last night and the extrememly boring day I had today.

It was fun, my cousin and I had a real bond a few years ago, so it was fun to catch up. It was also fun to be drinking, and out of the house. I really need to go out more I have decided (having unmarried friends is a great start to having that)

The downside of the evening was being out with a man close to my age, no men would approach me. I think I saw one guy look at me, but thats the most play I could get. My ego needs a boy right now. I think I might be ready to start dating again, or at least to get out, drinking and being seen.

Its funny that I ended a friendship with my neighbor, who drinks too much, because he drinks too much, when what I want is to go out drinking more. But going out with him seems pointless, because our conversations are boring, and sex with him is weird, so I am going out with a man, meaning I wont meet any men, and I cant even have sex at the end of the night, that's just not fun.

I want to go out again soon. My life is so boring I cant believe it. I am un-depressed, but have the depressed habits, I need to change my habits before I become depressed again.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Everything is explained

As I assumed, there was an explination for Jennifer's disappearace. Part of it involved trying to ditch Matthews friend "the deuce" and her phone battery going dead. I am convinced.

Now is weird behavior on my part. I got up this morning in a great mood, made breakfast and coffee and ate it in the living room when my roommate came out of her room asking me to turn down the TV. I somehow forgot it was a weekend, and that she was home. Fortunately I was not naked (as I am often too lazy to get dressed on days off)

So for some reason I moved back to my room and sequestered myself in here, even though I am very un-depressed. I ended up taking a nap, which I suppose isn't a bad thing, but its time now to do something more productive. I might even be in the mood to clean! Yay for me!

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Stood up- again

It's so funny that I posted that Lily Allen video tonight of all nights. I feel like her at the end.

This morning my old roommate Jennifer invited me out. I woke up at 3AM this morning, but I was excited to go out because I have been prettier lately and I wanted to see the kinds of reactions I might get, and of course it would be a good thing if I got out now and then.

So I woke up from a nap from an awesome dream that was like the best musical I had ever seen/been in- even though I wanted the dream to continue, and took a shower, anticipating Jen's call. I called her twice and she hasn't called back yet (she said shed be off work at 9, its 11:20 now!

Its not the same thing as when I was stood up on Valentines day by Alan, that was cruel, I think probably she wants it to be a date with Matthew and her, but why, oh why couldn't she have called and told me?

My eyes are tired, and my excited mood is gone. I dont feel like she maliciously stood me up, I am sure there is some reason for it, but I was excited to go out, so I feel disappointed now.

At least I have the bachelorette party coming up at the end of the month.

I need to make more friends- hee hee

Listen to the Lyrics

Two to three weeks ago I was sitting still on the now fallen bridge on 35 heading north listening to this song.

Friday, August 03, 2007

A message I just recieved from my aunt

From the Drama Department: [my son] Phil was on a bus coming back from Valley Fair when the I-35 bridge collapsed. The TV News & paper added an extra hair-raising note by explaining that they left Valley Fair 10 minutes late because of a few naughty kids who had to go one more time on a ride, and the bus was about a mile short of the bridge when it went down. I am extremely grateful that I didn't know what had happened until two hours after the disaster, because I was at [my daughter] Sadie's first soccer game. I only had about fifteen minutes of frantic worry before I thought to check my messages at work. Will left the following message at 7:10: "Hi, Mama, it's me...I'm just calling to say we didn't fall in when the bridge crashed. OK. Bye." In spite of the reassurance, we didn't really rest until we clapped eyes on him. Then we went to Culvers for ice cream - purely medicinal!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Faith in the government

I love our mayor, I hate our Governor, but I have faith in both of them. I feel strongly that they are doing everything they can to save the people from the bridge collapse.

It feels good to have faith in your government. I wish I could say the same about the Federal Government.

Today I watched a documentary called "Loose Change" a conspericy theory about 9/11, and frankly, I found it very believable.

I think I need to spend less time on dlisted and perezhilton, and more time trying to make America as good as our symbolism.

Once again, hug the people you love

Hug your loved ones

A bridge collapsed in our city. This sort of stuff isn't supposed to happen here.

I am going to go visit my friend because her mom cant get through to her and is worried. I feel so sad.

A nice moment between dad and I

I dont think I wrote about the nice moment my dad and I had the other day. I couldn't sleep at my grandparent's/dad's the other day because the walls were caving in on me because I was having traumatic flashbacks of living under my dad's care, but I made the choice to lie to my family, and say it was the ticking of the clocks that kept me awake. What good would it do to rub it in?

I had told him that night that he sometimes makes things more complicated than they need to be, and I reflected on how so much of what I had to un-learn in therapy I learned from him, and so he is still suffering from things I have overcome.

The next day when we were alone I mentioned this, how so much of what I have un-learned I learned from him, so if he went to therapy it could unlearn these things and reduce his stress. I also mentioned that one advantage I have over him is I am open to trying different things, and he is very stubborn. But if he could be less stubborn and more open he could benefit a lot from it. He has said in the past that he is too busy, so I loaned him a well respected book "the anxiety and phobia workbook"

His response was very receptive. He even said "I would love to be more like you" that is almost as good as hearing "I was not a good parent to you, and you deserved better."

I also think, that in the safe place as an adult that I am in, the "daddy daughter game" should continue. He needs to think of himself as a decent parent more than I need the justice of having it acknowledged that my childhood was ruined by his parenting and alcoholism, and that so much of the mental problems I face today are bcaust of him. the only danger I have to avoid is falling into the trap of hoping he will play the role of parent that I need, because he often lets me down, not that that is what he wants.

Wow, he just e-mailed me.


I used to be a big defender of sampling in rap music, because it was taking something old, changing it, and creating something completely new and original from it. But in the last few years, lazy producers just take the beat of a tom tom club song and have there star sing or rap over it, no originality, just copycatting.

Kanye west recently did that with a Daft Punk song, one that I loved, so it was awful when it came on the radio, sounding exactly the same as it did 5 years ago, exept the music being intterrupted by Kanye west's annoying voice, who has never said anything worth listening to in his life except "George Bush doesn't care about black people"

Well here's the original- minus the annoying "yeah! Yeah!" and "Uh! Uh!" And to the purveyors of pop music today, ruining all the best songs, I say "make it"

Loving my dad makes me sick

Last night I loved my dad a little bit. I was spending the day at my grandparent's (and his) house because other family was in town, and I softened up a bit. I was laying on the couch in the living room about to doze off and my dad came down for a cigarette. Before going outside he told me he was having an excruciating toothache, and will likely (finally) get them all pulled and get dentures.

You see, my dad has barely any teeth. He took a medication called parnate in the 90's and literally woke up with teeth coming out of his mouth. Is this shocking and upsetting to you? Now imagine it's your dad telling you this. He also was obsessing (as he does) about loaning me an external drive for my uganda photos. I reminded him twice that I can just put them on a DVD and they will be fine. He did this again recently, he was trying so hard to get me a computer bag from the things he has. He had one that would have worked, but it had a devider in it, so he kept obsessing, saying "I will saw the devider out" when I had already said I would just keep looking for a bag at a thrift store. He does this, he makes a simple thing complicated.

The obvious connection between these two things is that they are heroic efforts that he does on his daughter's behalf. He wants to be important in my life, and he is well aware that he isnt (not in a positive way) and so even though I have already stated I have a solution, he still will stick to his train of thought about fixing my problem until I have told him twice "no dad, a solution has been reached"

Another offputting thing about him is that he appears not to listen, ever. I will tell a story and he will smile blankly and say "oh!" when it is really not the right response to the comment or story. I wonder what he is thinking about when I am talking, and why he responds at all if he isn't listening. He did that a lot to me as a kid, but it's just peculiar now.

Last night after he finished his cigarette and went back to bed my anxiety was in full force. I haven't felt that anxious since before I started risperdal. I felt like I was a child again, living with my dad, and I felt that awful desire to escape, with no way out. However I had a way out. I knew that I needed to get home, so I could remember that I am an adult now, I am safe, and I am not tied to him. I left a note on the table and drove home, at my grandparents, in the car, and at home I cried a little, but I felt safe again, and fell asleep just fine.

What I think I have to be careful of is loving him in the wrong way. When I love him "as a dad" I am tying myself to him. Boundaries between parents and kids are naturally more pourous than with other people, I think. Or maybe he has terrible boundaries, and is always trying to suck me back in. Either way, boundaries are everything. I have to keep remembering that him and I are seperate beings, his choices and crazyness are him, not me. Since my adolecence my dad has felt like an energy sucking black hole, like I should put all my attention onto him and his issues, and none will be put on my upbringing. My aunt said that he didn't even think it was a big deal that I was having sex at 13!

Frankly, I want nothing to do with him. He is awful to look at and smell, and he has brought more pain and suffering into my life than anything good. But he's still my dad, and I can't pretend he doesn't exist can I? Uh, I dont like where this is going. I dont think it is safe to have any more than a superficial relationship with that man. He has hurt me so many times, I feel sick just thinking about him. I owe him nothing.

On the other hand, do you hate a family member who is retarded, or has alzheimers? It's really the same thing. But it's unhealhty to turn to someone with downs syndrome or alzheimers, and expect fully healthy things from them- especially for them to be a parent. Thats just the thing...he was an unfit parent, and many of the mental problems I have are a result of that. Let me be aware of that and move forward without the wish that he can ever be more.

Its so sad. I worshiped him when I was a little girl. I loved him more than my own mom. Thats what was so hard, to feel that way about him, and to want that feeling back, but to be hurt every time I trust him. I feel so bad for him. He makes an outcast of himself by his appearance. People must assume its meth because of his teeth, I just cant imagine how isolated he must feel.

I wish I could save him, but I tried for years, life doesn't work that way.