I just had an annoying experience with Linda. We have an optional run club meeting at 6:30. Well at 6 I sent her a message on myspace (she was online) saying "do you still want to go?" about a minute later she sent me an e-mail saying "do you want to go?"
My charger was in my car, and my phone was off because of the battery, so I was glad to catch her online. I wrote back immediately and said "wow I just sent you the same message on myspace, hahahahahah" No response
At 6:08 I wrote "why dont we meet there" no response
At 6:17 I wrote "please write back so I know what you are planning" no response
I just decided to meet there, in case she read the e-mail and went straight there. I got ready and went to my car, and turned on the phone. I didn't listen to my messages because I wanted to save the battery for coordinating with her. When I called i noticed the signal in my fucking car was smoking! Something is screwed up about my windshield wipers, but I am too lazy/untrusting to have them fixed. So I was about to tell her that I was coming, but when I saw the smoke I started paniking and said I was going home. She said "thats fine" I hung up so I could turn to go home. It was rush hour traffic and I couldnt turn so I decided to go the extra 6 blocks to the run club and deal with it later (I feel too anxious now anyway) I called her and she said she isn't going.
When I got home I plugged in the phone and heard her messages. The first said she wanted to go, the second said "if you dont call me in 10 minutes I'm not going." I accept that it is my fault that my phone was shut off, but why did she e-mail me, and then not check to see if I e-mailed back. I mean, I e-mailed IMMEDIATELY after she sent hers. It almost feels like she subconciously wanted to not go, so she made it seem like it was my fault. So annoying.
This isn't the first time she has been this way. Last week she acted SO WEIRD. She had goodwill stuff, and it's always fun to dig through goodwill stuff. She has let me before, and I have let her before. So I said "fun! I want to look in there" and she was REALLY resistant. It was bizarre! I think it maybe because she was donating some things that I had given her from Mexico in High School.
I think the reason she gets this way with me is she married a dude with ADD. I like him, don't get me wrong, but he can be rude (or impulsive, if you prefer.) I feel like she is impatient with me, thinking I am just like her husband. Or, she has so much tension about her husband, that she holds it in and takes it out on me.
I sent her a text message taking full responsibility (not even mentioning the odd sending of an e-mail and not checking for a response) and she is yet to text me back. Oh well. I know this will blow over, but I hate that she is like this. She hates her job, she is in debt from her wedding, and she says her inhaler that she uses before running makes her agitated. Grrrrrr.
Showing posts with label Linda. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Linda. Show all posts
Monday, April 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Who is that fat girl?
I just saw pictures of Linda's wedding.
I'm fat. Very, very, fat.
Tomorrow is it. No more funny business. Back to weight watchers, back to working out.
I'm fat. Very, very, fat.
Tomorrow is it. No more funny business. Back to weight watchers, back to working out.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
If I led with my heart...
...I would give it to Jeff.
JEFF! JEFF! JEFF! Corn fed white boy! Imprinted in my mind playing guitar for his little cousin when I was in high school. OH! As I expected, I dreamt of him last night.
Linda's wedding was last night. It went so well. My maid of honor speech went SO WELL! Imagine the most awesome speech, told by the most charasmatic person...that was my speech! It didn't sound that way when I was practicing, but somehow, when I stood up there, it came out great.
But an uncomfortable thing about going to Linda's wedding was her cousins Jeff and Jim would be there. Yeah, these boys are brothers, and I have kissed them both! (Springer anyone?)
When I was 13, and Jeff was 15 he yawned and stretched and put his arm around me. He was SOOOOO cute! Tall, blonde, with crooked teeth and a dorky smile. I wasn't as innocent as most 13 year olds, but my crush on him was, and despite my not admitting it to myself, the crush never went away.
Years later, when I was in college, his little brother Jim came on to me. I was dating an awful man, and had combined alcohol and marijuana, so I ended up making out with him, and with him falling asleep while it happened!!! Last year Jim got married (to a woman people say remind them of me!) and he and Jeff were at the wedding last night.
As we were getting ready for the service, I saw people approaching, and I didn't want to see either of them, and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw that Jeff was in the audience with a pretty blonde. I was so pissed off, and didn't look in his direction. And I wasn't looking forward to the reception, feeling self concious.
Kerry, one of the bridesmaids, had a fling with Jeff years later, so I kept talking about the two of us going up to him and making him uncomfortable, I also called him a slut. At one point I wondered, "where is this venom coming from? he's nice" and Kerry agreed. And I stopped talking smack.
I ignored him for most of the dinner portion, then I found a good chance to talk to him (when he wasn't with THAT GIRL) and I hugged him and acted like I was happy to see him. We chatted, and I said "exceptions" instead of "inspections." and chit chatted and left. I realized that the reason I was so mean was that childhood crush was still there.
Later I saw his (I guess their) sister, who loves me, and I knew I had to face Jim. Jim is even hotter than Jeff, he is a carpenter and looks like a straight up lumberjack, and his face really lit up when he saw me. I could have jumped on that lumberjack right then and there, but of course he's married, and come on now Diana.
So it felt great to get the discomfort and avoidance out of the way, and I got on with the night. While we were dancing, Jeff waved me over to a big group, I just smiled and didn't go, but soon I was dancing with him and Jim's wife, who has a bouncy and sassy personality. I liked being compared to her.
Unchained melody came on and Jeff asked me to dance. I felt 13 again and told him, and we reminiced and it was very nice dancing with him again. Then I danced with him again and saw a sangria in his hand- here's where head vs. heart comes in. Jeff's dad is an alcoholic. Many of Jeff & Linda's family are alcoholics, and Jeff...Jeff just got a DUI.
Jeff and Linda's family are very working class. They come from the country, from a racist asshole grandpa and many in the family are pretty screwed up. Linda has broken the mold, and I really thought Jeff would, but a DUI is not cool.
To add to that, according to Kerry, he doesn't just have a few drinks, he drinks until it's all gone. Supposedly he is in treatment now, but he obviously is drinking while in treatment. In his defense, he isn't driving a car right now, he uses a bike, and he says he only drinks on weekends, and not alone (though he used to) and I have a gut feeling that he could be, or become, an alcoholic.
I judge people who fall in love with the wrong guy, but OH CAN I SEE IT! I can't even say I COULD fall in love with him, because I feel like I ALREADY AM! Fortunately, when he said he wanted to see each other again, I said no. I think he can figure out why, because I was clear about my disappointment of seeing the drink in his hand. But non-verbally he knows I want him, the lingering looks, the huge smiles. He melts me, he is imprinted in my mind as what a boy should be, but we are adults now, and I unfortunately, I dont think he meets the standards of what a man should be.
To make it worse, Jeff and Linda's aunt (with whom I was whining about my single life weeks earlier) came up to me and said I shouldn't shoot Jeff down, "He's a 'nice' boy" to which I said "no he isn't" and she said with the right girl he would be. I escaped without jumping on him, but my heart hurts, I dreamt of him last night (which I knew I would) and I just want to fall into his adorable, blonde, farm-boy arms.
UH! I am swooning so much right now! I know I will be over him in a few days. Well, not "over" him, I haven't gotten "over" him even after 17 years, but I wont be obsessing over him at least soon. Right now I am so tired I could die, so hopefully once I have had some rest I will be able to think straight. I am proud I could think straight enough to keep my distance. My intuition is speaking to me LOUD AND CLEAR, if I were to be with Jeff, I would fall HARD, and I should (and do) know better than to fall for a heavy drinker.
...oh, and "THAT GIRL" he was with...his cousin!
JEFF! JEFF! JEFF! Corn fed white boy! Imprinted in my mind playing guitar for his little cousin when I was in high school. OH! As I expected, I dreamt of him last night.
Linda's wedding was last night. It went so well. My maid of honor speech went SO WELL! Imagine the most awesome speech, told by the most charasmatic person...that was my speech! It didn't sound that way when I was practicing, but somehow, when I stood up there, it came out great.
But an uncomfortable thing about going to Linda's wedding was her cousins Jeff and Jim would be there. Yeah, these boys are brothers, and I have kissed them both! (Springer anyone?)
When I was 13, and Jeff was 15 he yawned and stretched and put his arm around me. He was SOOOOO cute! Tall, blonde, with crooked teeth and a dorky smile. I wasn't as innocent as most 13 year olds, but my crush on him was, and despite my not admitting it to myself, the crush never went away.
Years later, when I was in college, his little brother Jim came on to me. I was dating an awful man, and had combined alcohol and marijuana, so I ended up making out with him, and with him falling asleep while it happened!!! Last year Jim got married (to a woman people say remind them of me!) and he and Jeff were at the wedding last night.
As we were getting ready for the service, I saw people approaching, and I didn't want to see either of them, and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw that Jeff was in the audience with a pretty blonde. I was so pissed off, and didn't look in his direction. And I wasn't looking forward to the reception, feeling self concious.
Kerry, one of the bridesmaids, had a fling with Jeff years later, so I kept talking about the two of us going up to him and making him uncomfortable, I also called him a slut. At one point I wondered, "where is this venom coming from? he's nice" and Kerry agreed. And I stopped talking smack.
I ignored him for most of the dinner portion, then I found a good chance to talk to him (when he wasn't with THAT GIRL) and I hugged him and acted like I was happy to see him. We chatted, and I said "exceptions" instead of "inspections." and chit chatted and left. I realized that the reason I was so mean was that childhood crush was still there.
Later I saw his (I guess their) sister, who loves me, and I knew I had to face Jim. Jim is even hotter than Jeff, he is a carpenter and looks like a straight up lumberjack, and his face really lit up when he saw me. I could have jumped on that lumberjack right then and there, but of course he's married, and come on now Diana.
So it felt great to get the discomfort and avoidance out of the way, and I got on with the night. While we were dancing, Jeff waved me over to a big group, I just smiled and didn't go, but soon I was dancing with him and Jim's wife, who has a bouncy and sassy personality. I liked being compared to her.
Unchained melody came on and Jeff asked me to dance. I felt 13 again and told him, and we reminiced and it was very nice dancing with him again. Then I danced with him again and saw a sangria in his hand- here's where head vs. heart comes in. Jeff's dad is an alcoholic. Many of Jeff & Linda's family are alcoholics, and Jeff...Jeff just got a DUI.
Jeff and Linda's family are very working class. They come from the country, from a racist asshole grandpa and many in the family are pretty screwed up. Linda has broken the mold, and I really thought Jeff would, but a DUI is not cool.
To add to that, according to Kerry, he doesn't just have a few drinks, he drinks until it's all gone. Supposedly he is in treatment now, but he obviously is drinking while in treatment. In his defense, he isn't driving a car right now, he uses a bike, and he says he only drinks on weekends, and not alone (though he used to) and I have a gut feeling that he could be, or become, an alcoholic.
I judge people who fall in love with the wrong guy, but OH CAN I SEE IT! I can't even say I COULD fall in love with him, because I feel like I ALREADY AM! Fortunately, when he said he wanted to see each other again, I said no. I think he can figure out why, because I was clear about my disappointment of seeing the drink in his hand. But non-verbally he knows I want him, the lingering looks, the huge smiles. He melts me, he is imprinted in my mind as what a boy should be, but we are adults now, and I unfortunately, I dont think he meets the standards of what a man should be.
To make it worse, Jeff and Linda's aunt (with whom I was whining about my single life weeks earlier) came up to me and said I shouldn't shoot Jeff down, "He's a 'nice' boy" to which I said "no he isn't" and she said with the right girl he would be. I escaped without jumping on him, but my heart hurts, I dreamt of him last night (which I knew I would) and I just want to fall into his adorable, blonde, farm-boy arms.
UH! I am swooning so much right now! I know I will be over him in a few days. Well, not "over" him, I haven't gotten "over" him even after 17 years, but I wont be obsessing over him at least soon. Right now I am so tired I could die, so hopefully once I have had some rest I will be able to think straight. I am proud I could think straight enough to keep my distance. My intuition is speaking to me LOUD AND CLEAR, if I were to be with Jeff, I would fall HARD, and I should (and do) know better than to fall for a heavy drinker.
...oh, and "THAT GIRL" he was with...his cousin!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The Bachelorette Party/Bridal Shower
Last night was really, really fun. Really great.
I was accused of being a "Bridesmaidzilla" by Linda because I made these fancy gift bags for the bridal shower guests. (I admit, I did go crazy with them) but I dont think of myself as a bridesmaidzilla, because I really enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun.
I know that yesterday alone I spent $100, on alcohol and snacks, and I am not interested to know how much I spent on the gift bags (I intentionally did not keep track, I knew that would ruin the fun for me) and I plan to give her about a $125 present, so to me this seems like a lot of money on paper, but not that much when it comes to her, (does that make sense?) What I am trying to say is this is the easiest money in the world for me to spend, I just want good things for her. And none of this has been extravagant, just fun (like Red Stripe beer instead of Miller, because her honeymoon is in Jamaica.)
So last night was the bridal shower I "threw" for Linda. Here's the thing, I didn't really throw it, her college roommate Kara did a lot of the work. Really, it was a collabrative effort amongst all the bridesmaids.
We went to a (cool, not gimmicky) Tiki themed bar and a piano bar. Can I tell you people, I am a good singer. Really, I am. I wish I could use it somehow in my life, maybe I could start going to church...nah. ;)
My only complaint about the night is it didn't last longer.
I was accused of being a "Bridesmaidzilla" by Linda because I made these fancy gift bags for the bridal shower guests. (I admit, I did go crazy with them) but I dont think of myself as a bridesmaidzilla, because I really enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun.
I know that yesterday alone I spent $100, on alcohol and snacks, and I am not interested to know how much I spent on the gift bags (I intentionally did not keep track, I knew that would ruin the fun for me) and I plan to give her about a $125 present, so to me this seems like a lot of money on paper, but not that much when it comes to her, (does that make sense?) What I am trying to say is this is the easiest money in the world for me to spend, I just want good things for her. And none of this has been extravagant, just fun (like Red Stripe beer instead of Miller, because her honeymoon is in Jamaica.)
So last night was the bridal shower I "threw" for Linda. Here's the thing, I didn't really throw it, her college roommate Kara did a lot of the work. Really, it was a collabrative effort amongst all the bridesmaids.
We went to a (cool, not gimmicky) Tiki themed bar and a piano bar. Can I tell you people, I am a good singer. Really, I am. I wish I could use it somehow in my life, maybe I could start going to church...nah. ;)
My only complaint about the night is it didn't last longer.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Happy BirthdayDay
Today I went to 2 birthday parties. The first one was Linda's. I was planning to get up at 8, shave my legs and put self tanner on, but instead I woke up at 10, when linda planned to call me. (and when I was planning to be ready BTW)
It all worked out (for me anyway,) her tire popped, and she needed to get it repaired, & by the time I was up and ready and on the way, she said she was moving the party to her house, when I arrived I was able to help her clean, and get some last minute supplies.
One thing I noticed was how crabby Linda was. I knew how she was feeling, and I could see she wasn't able to calm herself down/cheer herself up. I was thinking about how I am usually able (lately anyway) to talk myself down and shift out of a tense, snippy mood like that. She did calm down, but it really made me reflect on my perception of myself as a "disordered" person. A lot of times I would think something was wrong with me because I would be so tense, and I wasn't able to see that everyone gets tense, everyone gets crabby, & everyone gets down in the dumps, no one is always happy and always perfect.
I can also see that a lot of what was wrong with me was not my biology, but my thinking patterns & resulting behaviors. I have been off of Risperdal for awhile, and frankly I am just fine without it. I am having some challenges, and I havent read a book since stopping, but most of the changes I can handle. I also enjoy that I am more enthusiastic and energetic. I was reflecting on the fact that I was in AFRICA, and wondering if I would have appreciated it more without Risperdal. I am also, of course, happy about the weight loss.
After Linda's party I went to TGIFridays to see Mary Anne, a former flight attendant from my airline. I was so proud of how not nervous I was, and I loved being out. One of Mary Anne's nieces really took a liking to me. She kept coming and talking to me and at the end of the night she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. That kiss lingered on my cheek for a long time. At the party was a pregnant pilot, a pilot that just had a baby, and other family members with children were there. It has gotten easier, but that huge hug and kiss on the cheek just warmed my heart like I couldn't believe. Something that was also a little shocking to me was the girls little sister asked me if I was married, and I said no, and she asked me if I wanted to be. And at the end of the night the girl who really liked me said I should get married and have kids. (out of the blue) It totally came out of nowhere, could they see the domesticity written on my forehead? I dont know, but I just loved those kids.
Also, I was proud of a conversation I had with my little friend. Mary Anne said "her name is the name of a goddess" and the little girl asked what a goddess was. I said "well many people tell stories to explain the way the world works, and the greeks said that gods and goddesses lived on a mountain and controlled things." The little girl said "thats bad, right?" and I said "some people think it's bad" and she asked "do you think it's bad?" and I said "not really." It was perfect. It wasn't preachy, but it was honest and descriptive. I wanted to pat myself on the back for that one.
I ate too much today but I had fun. I am really pleased with how far I have come in my social anxiety. I used to have social phobia, and I could say that that is probably cured. I still get anxious, but I get better and better every day. Some people even compliment me on how outgoing I am. I am very proud.
What a nice day.
It all worked out (for me anyway,) her tire popped, and she needed to get it repaired, & by the time I was up and ready and on the way, she said she was moving the party to her house, when I arrived I was able to help her clean, and get some last minute supplies.
One thing I noticed was how crabby Linda was. I knew how she was feeling, and I could see she wasn't able to calm herself down/cheer herself up. I was thinking about how I am usually able (lately anyway) to talk myself down and shift out of a tense, snippy mood like that. She did calm down, but it really made me reflect on my perception of myself as a "disordered" person. A lot of times I would think something was wrong with me because I would be so tense, and I wasn't able to see that everyone gets tense, everyone gets crabby, & everyone gets down in the dumps, no one is always happy and always perfect.
I can also see that a lot of what was wrong with me was not my biology, but my thinking patterns & resulting behaviors. I have been off of Risperdal for awhile, and frankly I am just fine without it. I am having some challenges, and I havent read a book since stopping, but most of the changes I can handle. I also enjoy that I am more enthusiastic and energetic. I was reflecting on the fact that I was in AFRICA, and wondering if I would have appreciated it more without Risperdal. I am also, of course, happy about the weight loss.
After Linda's party I went to TGIFridays to see Mary Anne, a former flight attendant from my airline. I was so proud of how not nervous I was, and I loved being out. One of Mary Anne's nieces really took a liking to me. She kept coming and talking to me and at the end of the night she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. That kiss lingered on my cheek for a long time. At the party was a pregnant pilot, a pilot that just had a baby, and other family members with children were there. It has gotten easier, but that huge hug and kiss on the cheek just warmed my heart like I couldn't believe. Something that was also a little shocking to me was the girls little sister asked me if I was married, and I said no, and she asked me if I wanted to be. And at the end of the night the girl who really liked me said I should get married and have kids. (out of the blue) It totally came out of nowhere, could they see the domesticity written on my forehead? I dont know, but I just loved those kids.
Also, I was proud of a conversation I had with my little friend. Mary Anne said "her name is the name of a goddess" and the little girl asked what a goddess was. I said "well many people tell stories to explain the way the world works, and the greeks said that gods and goddesses lived on a mountain and controlled things." The little girl said "thats bad, right?" and I said "some people think it's bad" and she asked "do you think it's bad?" and I said "not really." It was perfect. It wasn't preachy, but it was honest and descriptive. I wanted to pat myself on the back for that one.
I ate too much today but I had fun. I am really pleased with how far I have come in my social anxiety. I used to have social phobia, and I could say that that is probably cured. I still get anxious, but I get better and better every day. Some people even compliment me on how outgoing I am. I am very proud.
What a nice day.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Jennifer is a BEYOTCH
No, not really.
Today was her going away party thrown by Matthew, her "mean" friend. I wanted to avoid going at all costs. I had been praying for a long delay, or a cancellation so I could go to one of Linda's bridal showers today and have an excuse not to go- I even waited a long time to go home, to appear as if my flight went later, all because I wanted to spend as little time there as possible.
I talked to her on the phone (after I FORCED myself to call her) and ended up telling her I would go. I laid there for a half hour wondering how, after waking up at 3:30 central time, I would be able to muster the energy to lift my head, let alone get ready to go out, then Emma called and improved my mood enough to give me some energy. Besides I knew, I have been friends with her for a long time, and she has been bitchy most of this time, so there must be something about her that I like. "Don't burn bridges" is what I kept telling myself.
I begrudgingly went, and Jennifer didn't warmly welcome me. Not that she has to, she's got a lot of people to talk to, but she barely looked at me, I could feel the tension again. Fortunately the girl next to me was dying to talk to someone, which helped me feel included, and Raina was super nice to me, and relaxed, which makes me frustrated, because it seems like she is only now starting to like me, after she is leaving (she has always seemed so tense to me, until lately)
And I realize something now, I am attracted to Matthew, who makes me very uncomfortable, and who I think can be kind of mean sometimes. He said he was attracted to me (Jennifer told me) so it is nice to know that my discomfort is coming from that, instead of him having some sort of disdain for me (which I sort of wondered)
I left after about an hour, and was glad I went. I was hardly anxious at all! Only the normal anxiety when you don't know people at a party. And I have to show her love, even though I am mad at her. What I need is a good break from her, as we all need from our friends now and then, and then you forget you are mad and everythings okay. But she leaves for grad school wednesday, and this is her party, so I had to show support.
I dont know what direction our friendship is going. I imagine that is in her hands a lot. And of course maybe the reason she was being so evil is she is stressed and sad to be leaving this city and her friends here. Maybe I should take initiative to keep her in my life, I dont know, I see her the day after tomorrow, we'll see.
I better get to sleep. I am really behind in sleep this week. Too bad I cant sleep in tomorrow. Linda is having a picnic, so no.
Today was her going away party thrown by Matthew, her "mean" friend. I wanted to avoid going at all costs. I had been praying for a long delay, or a cancellation so I could go to one of Linda's bridal showers today and have an excuse not to go- I even waited a long time to go home, to appear as if my flight went later, all because I wanted to spend as little time there as possible.
I talked to her on the phone (after I FORCED myself to call her) and ended up telling her I would go. I laid there for a half hour wondering how, after waking up at 3:30 central time, I would be able to muster the energy to lift my head, let alone get ready to go out, then Emma called and improved my mood enough to give me some energy. Besides I knew, I have been friends with her for a long time, and she has been bitchy most of this time, so there must be something about her that I like. "Don't burn bridges" is what I kept telling myself.
I begrudgingly went, and Jennifer didn't warmly welcome me. Not that she has to, she's got a lot of people to talk to, but she barely looked at me, I could feel the tension again. Fortunately the girl next to me was dying to talk to someone, which helped me feel included, and Raina was super nice to me, and relaxed, which makes me frustrated, because it seems like she is only now starting to like me, after she is leaving (she has always seemed so tense to me, until lately)
And I realize something now, I am attracted to Matthew, who makes me very uncomfortable, and who I think can be kind of mean sometimes. He said he was attracted to me (Jennifer told me) so it is nice to know that my discomfort is coming from that, instead of him having some sort of disdain for me (which I sort of wondered)
I left after about an hour, and was glad I went. I was hardly anxious at all! Only the normal anxiety when you don't know people at a party. And I have to show her love, even though I am mad at her. What I need is a good break from her, as we all need from our friends now and then, and then you forget you are mad and everythings okay. But she leaves for grad school wednesday, and this is her party, so I had to show support.
I dont know what direction our friendship is going. I imagine that is in her hands a lot. And of course maybe the reason she was being so evil is she is stressed and sad to be leaving this city and her friends here. Maybe I should take initiative to keep her in my life, I dont know, I see her the day after tomorrow, we'll see.
I better get to sleep. I am really behind in sleep this week. Too bad I cant sleep in tomorrow. Linda is having a picnic, so no.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Tired of real life
My last post was my 666th post. I don't think the Caramel Cookie people would be happy.
Well I have had two nice and productive days. I was ready for more, but now I am running out of steam.
I got nominated for a position on the Union, after learning that others are running (meaning I am not needed) I decided to decline, but even so, I have to send a fucking fax. Then, there is a 10K that I am going to walk with my sister Linda next week so I have to sign up for that.
Also, I am going to take Aslam to the mall (he is only a consultant in my city, so he lives at a hotel casino in the boondocks, with no car) so I have to get myself cuted up, clean my car and have my bags packed for work.
I know this all doesn't sound like much, but I have stuff to get ready for the Uganda trip. I would really rather be working on organizing my bedroom.
I will get it done, I swear I will. I guess the answer is to just push forward and do what needs to be done. Maybe I will record it so I will feel motivated.
Well I have had two nice and productive days. I was ready for more, but now I am running out of steam.
I got nominated for a position on the Union, after learning that others are running (meaning I am not needed) I decided to decline, but even so, I have to send a fucking fax. Then, there is a 10K that I am going to walk with my sister Linda next week so I have to sign up for that.
Also, I am going to take Aslam to the mall (he is only a consultant in my city, so he lives at a hotel casino in the boondocks, with no car) so I have to get myself cuted up, clean my car and have my bags packed for work.
I know this all doesn't sound like much, but I have stuff to get ready for the Uganda trip. I would really rather be working on organizing my bedroom.
I will get it done, I swear I will. I guess the answer is to just push forward and do what needs to be done. Maybe I will record it so I will feel motivated.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
My own private prison
I was just at my sister Linda's house and I was just fine, but now that I am home, suddenly I feel sad.
Home has always made me sad, except maybe when I lived with my mom. Home was the place I retreated to, because the pressure of dealing with people was gone, but then I would be sad there alone, and surrounded by mess.
Then, to make it worse, I wouldn't allow myself to leave. I would turn down social opportunities because "I had to get the house cleaned this week- finally." In the period of two years my house might be clean twice, yet I put my life on hold thinking it might actually happen this time. I kept myself here, wouldn't allow myself to go out, as if I created a prison for myself.
Will home ever be a place of refuge? Not sad refuge but happy refuge? I sure hope so. It was getting there for awhile. I am sure I am not too far off.
Home has always made me sad, except maybe when I lived with my mom. Home was the place I retreated to, because the pressure of dealing with people was gone, but then I would be sad there alone, and surrounded by mess.
Then, to make it worse, I wouldn't allow myself to leave. I would turn down social opportunities because "I had to get the house cleaned this week- finally." In the period of two years my house might be clean twice, yet I put my life on hold thinking it might actually happen this time. I kept myself here, wouldn't allow myself to go out, as if I created a prison for myself.
Will home ever be a place of refuge? Not sad refuge but happy refuge? I sure hope so. It was getting there for awhile. I am sure I am not too far off.
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