Sunday, August 12, 2007

Happy BirthdayDay

Today I went to 2 birthday parties. The first one was Linda's. I was planning to get up at 8, shave my legs and put self tanner on, but instead I woke up at 10, when linda planned to call me. (and when I was planning to be ready BTW)

It all worked out (for me anyway,) her tire popped, and she needed to get it repaired, & by the time I was up and ready and on the way, she said she was moving the party to her house, when I arrived I was able to help her clean, and get some last minute supplies.

One thing I noticed was how crabby Linda was. I knew how she was feeling, and I could see she wasn't able to calm herself down/cheer herself up. I was thinking about how I am usually able (lately anyway) to talk myself down and shift out of a tense, snippy mood like that. She did calm down, but it really made me reflect on my perception of myself as a "disordered" person. A lot of times I would think something was wrong with me because I would be so tense, and I wasn't able to see that everyone gets tense, everyone gets crabby, & everyone gets down in the dumps, no one is always happy and always perfect.

I can also see that a lot of what was wrong with me was not my biology, but my thinking patterns & resulting behaviors. I have been off of Risperdal for awhile, and frankly I am just fine without it. I am having some challenges, and I havent read a book since stopping, but most of the changes I can handle. I also enjoy that I am more enthusiastic and energetic. I was reflecting on the fact that I was in AFRICA, and wondering if I would have appreciated it more without Risperdal. I am also, of course, happy about the weight loss.

After Linda's party I went to TGIFridays to see Mary Anne, a former flight attendant from my airline. I was so proud of how not nervous I was, and I loved being out. One of Mary Anne's nieces really took a liking to me. She kept coming and talking to me and at the end of the night she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. That kiss lingered on my cheek for a long time. At the party was a pregnant pilot, a pilot that just had a baby, and other family members with children were there. It has gotten easier, but that huge hug and kiss on the cheek just warmed my heart like I couldn't believe. Something that was also a little shocking to me was the girls little sister asked me if I was married, and I said no, and she asked me if I wanted to be. And at the end of the night the girl who really liked me said I should get married and have kids. (out of the blue) It totally came out of nowhere, could they see the domesticity written on my forehead? I dont know, but I just loved those kids.

Also, I was proud of a conversation I had with my little friend. Mary Anne said "her name is the name of a goddess" and the little girl asked what a goddess was. I said "well many people tell stories to explain the way the world works, and the greeks said that gods and goddesses lived on a mountain and controlled things." The little girl said "thats bad, right?" and I said "some people think it's bad" and she asked "do you think it's bad?" and I said "not really." It was perfect. It wasn't preachy, but it was honest and descriptive. I wanted to pat myself on the back for that one.

I ate too much today but I had fun. I am really pleased with how far I have come in my social anxiety. I used to have social phobia, and I could say that that is probably cured. I still get anxious, but I get better and better every day. Some people even compliment me on how outgoing I am. I am very proud.

What a nice day.

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