Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Starting Fresh

A few days ago I was lamenting the fact that 2 of my single friends are leaving the city. Jennifer is going to grad school in Arizona, and Emma is taking a 10 month position in Bangladesh. I was sad and upset, but after today, I am okay with it.

I am sad about Emma leaving, but Jennifer I am glad about. I love her, I really do, but she drives me up the fucking wall. She is a dominant personality, and has some unhealthy thinking patterns that she is too stubborn to recognize, and far too defensive to have them pointed out.

Today she was complaining that her friend said her friend/lover Matthew is mean. Well, he is sortof mean. So she complained and complained about how wrong it was for her friend to judge her so, and I kept trying to point out that her intentions were probably good. (No, I did not mention that I also think Matthew is mean)

At one point Jennifer said "WHY DO YOU KEEP DEFENDING HER?" and I made a point to counter her as vigorously has she stated it, because she intimidates to get her point across. I let her know that sometimes she has a negative perspective on things, and that I was just making sure she could see that there may have been only concern, not malice and judgement coming from her friend.

I wont go into the conversation any deeper, but needless to say you cant win with Jennifer. Its her way or the highway. That is how I relate to her, I just let her have her way, because arguing with her is just so annoying. She wants her way, she gets it. It's not that rewarding a good percentage of the time.

Now that she will be going to Arizona I will have her in small bits, and only over the phone, so I can hang up when she starts getting impossible, which is often.

Another thing that at one point in my life would have stressed me out is my roommate (Jennifer's friend) is going to grad school too. All this time I thought her and I were fine, but it turns out that she had made comments about me to Jennifer. I am sure it was just venting, not talking smack, but its still annoying to hear about it third hand. Jennifers dumb way about relaying the message adds to the abnoxiousness of the whole thing, but who cares? Because she is leaving in a week.

I have to face the fact that I will be judged for my lifestyle, even if it is because of depression. In fact, the fact that I acknowledge the depression as the cause of the isolating and procrastinating probably makes people judge me more, because it's seen as an excuse, not simply a reason, or one of many challenges that I have faced, one, like many others, I will be successful at, but am yet to overcome.

But it is at the top of my list to deal with. Laying in my bed surfing the internet on a sunny day is not how I want to live my life. I am living the lifestyle that worked for me when I was depressed, but I am not depressed now, and I need to break these habits, or I will be depressed again.

What I am planning to do on my anti-social days is this, if I am going to be alone, I might as well be alone at the gym and the coffee shop. I hopefully will go to the gym, take a shower, and then look at gossip sites at the coffee shop. I have NO problem being a complete bum, who does nothing but lift weights and drink coffee, as long as I am a happy bum. Right now, I am not a happy bum.

The great news is, a new roomate doesnt ever need to know about my gossip in bed on a sunny day habit. He or she will only see what I present to them, so I can try to make my bum habits part of my past.

A fresh start is great. I feel lucky, not stressed

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