No, not really.
Today was her going away party thrown by Matthew, her "mean" friend. I wanted to avoid going at all costs. I had been praying for a long delay, or a cancellation so I could go to one of Linda's bridal showers today and have an excuse not to go- I even waited a long time to go home, to appear as if my flight went later, all because I wanted to spend as little time there as possible.
I talked to her on the phone (after I FORCED myself to call her) and ended up telling her I would go. I laid there for a half hour wondering how, after waking up at 3:30 central time, I would be able to muster the energy to lift my head, let alone get ready to go out, then Emma called and improved my mood enough to give me some energy. Besides I knew, I have been friends with her for a long time, and she has been bitchy most of this time, so there must be something about her that I like. "Don't burn bridges" is what I kept telling myself.
I begrudgingly went, and Jennifer didn't warmly welcome me. Not that she has to, she's got a lot of people to talk to, but she barely looked at me, I could feel the tension again. Fortunately the girl next to me was dying to talk to someone, which helped me feel included, and Raina was super nice to me, and relaxed, which makes me frustrated, because it seems like she is only now starting to like me, after she is leaving (she has always seemed so tense to me, until lately)
And I realize something now, I am attracted to Matthew, who makes me very uncomfortable, and who I think can be kind of mean sometimes. He said he was attracted to me (Jennifer told me) so it is nice to know that my discomfort is coming from that, instead of him having some sort of disdain for me (which I sort of wondered)
I left after about an hour, and was glad I went. I was hardly anxious at all! Only the normal anxiety when you don't know people at a party. And I have to show her love, even though I am mad at her. What I need is a good break from her, as we all need from our friends now and then, and then you forget you are mad and everythings okay. But she leaves for grad school wednesday, and this is her party, so I had to show support.
I dont know what direction our friendship is going. I imagine that is in her hands a lot. And of course maybe the reason she was being so evil is she is stressed and sad to be leaving this city and her friends here. Maybe I should take initiative to keep her in my life, I dont know, I see her the day after tomorrow, we'll see.
I better get to sleep. I am really behind in sleep this week. Too bad I cant sleep in tomorrow. Linda is having a picnic, so no.