Friday, August 31, 2007

What would my mother think???

She would be shocked! She would say "This isn't what I raised my little girl to be!" She would wonder what she did wrong...why would her baby girl do this to herself? be a...HOUSEWIFE?!?!?

I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.

More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.

First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.

The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.

But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.

Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?

...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.

It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.

So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.

In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)

I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.

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