Saturday, March 31, 2007

Don't blame Jesus for the behavior of his followers

Jesus Christ I have had a weird day!

First thing today I had an easter egg decorating party at "Sweet-Stay-At-Home-Mommy's" house. I have been depressed for so many years, and finally I am not, so I decided to dress up for the party. I wore a cute poodle style skirt with flowers on it and a green top with a white tank top underneath it. I looked very cute. When I showed up I did not get an enthusiastic response. It was almost like she didn't like what I was wearing for some reason. It could be because I looked fat in it, it could be that it showed cleavage (and you DO know breasts are a sin) or, it could be that she didn't like me looking nice. That she preferres me looking sort of rough and run down, because it makes her feel superior.

As we were decorating the eggs she pushed me quite hard to eat one of them. SHE didn't eat any of them, of course, but I did give in and eat the first one. (the egg white anyway.) As an overweight girl, trying to lose weight, is it the most appropriate thing for a friend to PUSH me to eat outside of a meal, especially if she's not doing it too?

And then speaking of meals, for lunch she made dumpling soup. The soup was dumplings and carrots with italian spices. No chicken, no tofu, no protein source at all. So in the end we were eating ice cream, and my friend Carrie asked her if she wanted any more ice cream. She said "No, I had extra dumplings" and she ate the same amount of dumplings that Carrie and I ate. And its not like we asked her WHY she didn't want more ice cream, she just volunteered the information about what a large quantity she ate. The sad thing is I am no longer concerned about her eating anymore, just annoyed.

It's not like she eats a lot less and thats it. I have friends like that. She eats a lot less, and has some sort of superiority thing about it. She kept encouraging me to eat the eggs. I caved and ate one (I didn't even want it) and I swear the message in her pushing the eggs on me was "Your a pig who eats a ton, here, eat more. I wont eat more because I'm not a pig" I swear that was the subtext, and she does this all the time.

I left at 3 so I could go to the gym (which was closing at 5) I didn't tell her that. I don't know how much longer I can bear to deal with her. I don't know how much more I can handle her talking about the virtues of Jesus constantly. She has a tiny, miserable life she isn't happy in, and yet she holds onto the view that Jesus wants her life to be tiny, and that her lifestyle choices are far superior to all others.

I could go on about her, but I am finally away from there, why would I want to continue the unpleasantness. I have worked very hard to see the two of us as "different but equal" Its such an insult that she wont offer me the same respect. The only reason I stay her friend is she has a beautiful home schooled son, and I am his only exposure to the world outside the sanitized universe she invents for him.

So I left at 3, went to taco bell to get some protein before my workout, and went to the gym. I got my workout in, and as I was leaving this sort of freaky looking guy says "hey, are you leaving?" I said "Yeah" he says "I have something for you" so I said "okay" but as I thought about it I had seen this freaky looking guy before, and he gave me Christian literature more than once. He may have even bugged me at the grocery store before, and he may have been on flyers at the University for harrassing people.

Before he took more than 3 steps I said "wait is it some Christian stuff?" He said "Yeah" and I said "Then no thank you" and went to the locker room. When I came back out I said, with a very sweet voice "Thank you, have a good night" and he just stared straight ahead, seething. Another example of the joy that bringing Jesus in your life can offer.

Many people say this is what all Christians are like, and it's simply not true. A lot of Christians are really good people, who don't go to church to feel superior but to be inspired to be better people and to help the world. Unfortunately those pleasant and normal Christians are not as noticible as the ABSOLUTELY ANNOYING ones, who seem to really be in my face today.

Poor Jesus. A nice guy who was really into helping others, and wanted to spread this message about how good that is, and just look at the type of people who claim to be his followers. If I were him I would appear in the sky and say "Stop acting like assholes"

(Oh, and FYI, SSAHM told me about a vision she had where he came out of the clouds and said "this is how I will come")

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I'm an old fashioned girl

Well I feel like shit I am sure because I drank at least 5 vodka & sodas (By the way I am never drinking hard liquor again. It is beer or wine for now on) but I think I also feel like shit because I have had sex outside of a relationship.

There is no threat of me "liking" my neighbor. He is so fucking old. And honestly, that might not be that big of a deal, but he is nearly 50 and he acts like he's 35. Him and I have a nice chemistry and rapport, but he is far too old, and far too immature for me to want him. If the sex was really good I might want him a little bit, but even so, I couldn't take him to family gatherings.

But even so, I feel really exposed right now. I totally trust my neighbor, and he is such a sweet person, he would never make me feel bad, but I just feel really vulnerable. I just think sex should be a part of something bigger, like you have the sex, and then you feel so happy that you clean the kitchen, or buy them something nice, or just want to linger in their presence. It shouldn't be like this. I feel like I don't want to see him. I feel embarrassed. I think I would feel the same way even if there was no threesome. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep (I will. I wish I could find my housekeys, because I would go to the gym)

I don't know who is the right type of guy for me. Wait, yeah I do. Its Vegetarian Dreamboat Pilot, but by the way I don't want him specifically, because he whistles. Eww.

I sort of miss the sweet girl I had become. It is scary to have this confidence and lust. I am, no scratch that, I am not afraid that I will become like I was in college, because I am healthy now and I am aware of the negative emotional effects of what I did. It's like I visited my old neighborhood, hung out there awhile, but I know that I live somewhere new now, and I don't want to move back to the old neighborhood.

I don't regret the threesome. And if I were to have one, I am happy it was with my friend who I care about and trust. But I know that I don't like to drink that much, and I don't think I want to have sex outside of a relationship anymore. I'm so old fashioned.

I know for a fact I am not a lesbian

Yup! I found out for sure last night. I thought that maybe I was 30% lesbian, 70% straight, but now I know, I'm 100% straight. Or at least 97%.

I have been cooking a lot lately, and it's better to cook if you have someone to cook for. I called my neighbor and asked him if he wanted some fajitas. I made them and then came up and ate them with him.

It turns out he just had his- get this- FOURTY EIGHTH birthday last week. After my fun with the pilot last week I have felt frisky, so I asked my neighbor if he wanted to make out as his birthday present. We made out for a few minutes, and he insisted we go for a walk.

We went to a local bar. You should have seen the bartender, she gave us the dirtyest looks. She checked my ID too. It was hilarious. We played foosball and air hockey, and went to an awesome dive bar by our house.

At the dive bar we ran into the man who used to live in my apartment! My neighbor and him played some pool, and I learned that he is a cage fighter! I got his phone number and webpage so he could give me a training session.

A girl and a guy were sitting at the table with the cage fighter, and soon they came over and talked to me. So I am not sure how I brought this up, but I asked her if she wanted to have a threesome with my neighbor and me, and I kissed her right there in the bar (kissing a girl feels exactly the same as kissing a guy.)

The three of us ended up in my neighbors apartment and I threw up about 7 times. Which should be the end of the night right? I ruined it all by throwing up. Nope. Somehow we went through with it all, they even both french kissed me.

So I know now, I am not a lesbian at all. Touching her was just like touching myself, so whats the point? It's like touching myself except I dont get the pleasant sensations. I am not a big fan of recieving oral sex so that was nothing, and when I was giving her oral sex it was just flat there, something was missing that was supposed to be there.

She kept saying to me "I'm doing this for you, not for him" and I just wanted to say "Oh really, your not here for the balding 48 year old? Shocker. (But he does have a sexy thing about him.) I really went out of my way to make her feel beautiful. I thought she was far too fat, so I compensated by repeatedly telling her how georgeous she was. She really was beautiful, I just have such body issues that I can't mentally think of her body type as beautiful.

And my neighbor was the worst threesome partner ever. He doesn't do well with condoms, so he was not eagerly having sex with us, although we were both begging for it. He did for a few minutes, but then he stopped, leaving me frustrated. (Him having sex with me was probably the only time I felt really turned on- from what I remember anyway, I was drunk as fuck)

This morning was HIGH-larious. She was so freaked out. She couldn't get out of the place fast enough (thank god- I was worried we might have to exchange numbers and become friends) I was as cheerful and sweet as a fifties housewife, I made pancakes and coffee, but she turned down both, and hightailed her way out. She didn't even stay long enough to find her underwear. Should I give them to the cage fighter and say "your friend left these at my neighbors house"?

So what a great feeling! I know I am not a lesbian. I don't have to be 45 and married and wonder. I used to think that I would only do this if it was in the context of a relationship, but thank god I didn't, because that would suck to really care about someone and then not want to have sex with them. Wait, that was my whole relationship with Charles.

Oh and another thing, I was worried that if I ever had sex with my neighbor that I would become addicted to him. Nope, not a problem. He cant come with a condom on and he kept stopping things right when they were getting hot. (we had sex this morning too) So no worries about becoming addicted to him. But I am still really attracted to him.

So want to hear a funny thing? I would totally do it again. Not with him or with her, but with someone else. It's fun having more than two people. It's like the more the merrier :)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

How I went from suicidal to very happy

I check my statcounter about 4 times a day. I know there are people who read this blog regularly, and when I see that on the statcounter, it gives me a nice little boost. For so much of my life I have felt invisible, or worse, irrelevant, and when I see someone has read my blog I remember that yes, in fact, I do exist, and that I have something to say.

I just recieved a nice e-mail from a reader. (I am always open to e-mails, I just hated the pressure to reciprocate by having comments turned on) This reader has read this blog from maybe the first post, in March of 2005. Back then my blog was black, I couldn't fathom it being any other color, only black or a night sky could express the person I felt I was. I was 210 pounds, terribly depressed, anxious, as well as so socially anxious that I had a hard time going to the store for groceries.

I started this blog with the intention of using it in conjunction with psychotherapy, to track my moods. Instead I found a place to take my ruminating thoughts and worries out of my head, and to put them somewhere less toxic. It helped me to post these journal entries online, because it motivated me to keep posting. It made me feel less alone in my struggles with mental health, and it made me feel good to imagine I was making someone else fell less alone too. Also, knowing someone vulnerable could be reading kept me positive, I knew that if I was too dark, someone in a very dark place could feel worse. I also was mildly suicidal at the time, so a blog was sort of a record of what I was dealing with, something for my family in case "something happened to me."

And look at me in these last two weeks. I am no longer depressed, unattractive, and socially anxious, I am really vital, charasmatic, and GOD DAMN IT IM HAPPY!

I am living proof that suicide is not the answer, and that depression is treatable. Get it? Got it? Good. I know what you are thinking "but I'm different. I am such a loser. I am ugly. I am stupid" and I am here to tell you you are wrong. I thought those same damn things. I looked at other peoples blogs and saw them so far above me, but thats not reality. That is the depression speaking. Which leads to the number one reason why my depression is in remission

REASON NUMBER ONE I AM NOT DEPRESSED:
I believe I am as good as, not better, not worse, than everyone else. I believe that I deserve good things.

This is the key thing that I had to learn. I was very resistant, I came up with all sorts of reasons why I was a bad person. Or why I should withhold happiness from myself so I didn't become "stuck up" but this was all the depression talking. I also was very judgemental of others, especially happy people, I decided they were shallow because if they cared about the suffering in the world, they wouldn't be so happy. This was also the depression talking. By feeling morally superior I was justifying my own misery.

If I had not been willing to let this possibility in that I am worthy and deserving of good things, my depression would still be with me. Ask yourself, "am I worthy of good things?" If you say "no" then that is sick thinking. Just like glaucoma clouds your seeing, depression is clouding your thinking. If you don't believe you are worthy of good things, start pretending that you believe you are, and after awhile you will see reality...that you are worthty.

REASON NUMBER TWO THAT I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Medication and therapy.

Yes you have time for therapy. What you don't have time for is self destructive behaviors, they will not go away on their own. Go to therapy and skip Grey's Anatomy. If you believe reason number one, that you are worthy of happiness, you will know that you are worth more than Grey's Anatomy. If you meet a therapist and don't hit it off, try another one. You have to have rapport for it to work.

Take your medication every day. Dont stop because you are constipated. Dont stop because you gained or lost 10 pounds. Dont stop because you feel better "and dont need it anymore" keep taking it.

And maybe you have tried medication but it hasn't worked for you, or you had side effects. Keep trying. I have been through tons of medications before I found the ones I am using now. And at one point I am sure I will need to try new ones, thats okay.

If you cant afford therapy or medication go to community clinics with free or sliding scale. I have gotten excellent treatment from these places, and they do as much as they can to help, even giving free samples so you don't have to pay for medications.

REASON NUMBER THREE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I am not stubborn

When my therapist told me that verbally abusing myself would not help me get my dishes done I initially thought "well if I don't yell at myself it will never get finished" but I examined the possibility that she might be right, and listened to and tried her suggestions. I could say I was "lucky" because I was suicidal. I knew that if I did not change something, I would kill myself.

Therapists studied thinking and behavior AND YOUR ILLNESS for years. Be open to the possibility that they know what they are talking about. If the way you think and behave is so great, then, as Dr. Phil says "How's that working out for you?"

REASON NUMBER FOUR I AM NOT DEPRESSED
I look at the silver lining of every dark cloud.

Maybe you are a pessimist, I sure was. Well, you need to lose that. You can keep it if you want, but be aware you are making the choice to be miserable.

The good aspects of any situation are just as real as the bad ones. One of the tailights of my car is burned out. The pessimist sees that it will take time and cost money. The optimist sees that now I have the opportunity to check out the auto shops in town, so I know who to trust when an expensive repair is needed. Or maybe I can learn how to fix it myself. The good things are just as real as the bad things, and even though the good things are smaller than the bad things, I am choosing to see the good things.

Do you think I sound annoying to be so god damn positive? You should of heard me when I complained. Someone being abnoxiously positive is ten times better than hearing someone whine. Again, if you don't truly see the glass half full, just pretend that you do, and eventually you will.

REASON NUMBER FIVE I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Baby steps

My depression didn't go into remission overnight. I was suicidal in 2001, and I have gotten progressively better since then, with medication and therapy.

Do as much as you can handle at a time. Dont beat yourself up if you make a mistake. Dont push yourself harder than you are ready for. Be gentle with yourself. The little things you do for yourself really add up.

REASON NUMBER SIX I AM NOT DEPRESSED
Healthy diet and excercise and sleep

I know if I read that I might get a pang of anxiety. We all know that we should eat right and excercise, but eating unhealthy foods or drowning ourselves in the TV is how we cope from this terrible pain and stress we are feeling. So don't get down on yourself for this, just see it as a worthwhile goal at some point.

Here's how I see it. If you are planning to have 2 big macs, fries, and a large coke every day, start by adding a multivitamin daily, and add an asian salad instead of one of the big macs. Then eventually you can eatonly half of the fries every day, then you can drink only a small coke every day, and drink water also. Ideally, you would eat all healthy things right away, but when you use food to cope, its not always that easy.

All I can say is when I started Weight Watchers to lose weight, a funny thing happened, my mood improved even before I lost any weight! The fatty foods I was eating were creating a sludge in my brain that made my depression worse, and the quantities I ate weighed me down, making me more tired. Nowadays I am finding when I eat a meal with no veggies, I feel depressed, and when I eat a really heavy meal, I feel sluggish and depressed. (And dont go overboard in the other direction either! You should never go under 1,200 calories a day, some doctors say 1,500)

Same with water. I cant believe how many times I have thought I was depressed, but after drinking a few cups of tea or water I realized I was actually dehydrated!

And excercise is a PROVEN anti-depressant. When I was really socially phobic I did excercise videos (when I had the strength to get out of bed of course) and they helped so much. Now that I am working out (weights are very empowering, and easier than cardio) I feel so good, and that is BEFORE I have lost any weight.

Less than 6 hours of sleep will contribute to depression (easy for me to say since you cant get to sleep) but too much sleep can also make you groggy. Dont beat yourself up if you arent doing exactly the healthiest things, just make 6-8 hours a goal
...................................................

Thats some of how I did it. There are other things like Buddhism and more social interaction that contributed, but the list was getting sort of long. While I am sure I will have relapses into depression again, I don't think I will ever be in the danger of suicide that I once was. Once you learn something you can't unlearn it.

Think I am full of shit? Or that you and your depression are somehow "different." I will make a bet with you. If you do all these six things in earnest for a year, and you do not feel different, e-mail me and I will send you $25 and write a post about how wrong I was.

Thank you so much for reading my blog. I hope it entertains and maybe inspires you. Please know that I know you all are reading, and you are one of the reasons I am doing so well today. I know you can get better too, I am just like you, I thought I couldn't but I kept trying and didn't give up, you will be the same. I promise.

AND NUMBER SEVEN....
Have as much healthy FUN as you can! You deserve it DAMN IT!!!!!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Carrots are good for your health

There could not be a more appropriate crew for me to fly with during this heat I am suddenly in. Instead of single (or immoral) pilots who would feed into my sex frenzy I have a married country boy pilot, and HIM, Vegetarian Dreamboat Pilot.

You know how last night I wrote that I shouldn't be trying to get people interested in me just for attention, now I see that it is genuine attraction that I have here. Vegetarian Dreamboat Pilot is the guy that I am supposed to be finding for myself, he is A1 Prime Angus Steak, nope, scratch that, he is a certified organic carrot, packed full of nutrition!

He went to my high school! He has a girlfriend, so he isn't sending the signals back to me, but doesnt that say something about his character already? Having a girlfriend didn't stop slutty cowboy swagger pilot from hitting on me and Carter's roommate. V.D.P. is the child of hippies, lives in a neighborhood near me (the neighborhoods mean alot to me) and is very philisophical. Ahhhhhhhh!

I am not thinking many sexual things about him, but that could be because he isn't sending me those signals. But I am thinking some. I am so greatful to have met him, he is the new picture in my head of what I need, I need an American born child of hippies, preferably from my city. When I make out with a guy who does the "retarded hands" and actually thinks thats funny, and then I start being all in love with him, I can think about V.D.P. and remember that my high standards are out there, I just have to be patient for them.

But I still want to live it up. I am enjoying this surge of attention and I am not going to guilt myself about it, I deserve it. But still, it is good to meet V.D.P. to help me keep my perspective while exploring this new universe.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

I have created a monster

That monster is me.

I have turned into the drunk on male attention monster. It dominates my mind. In many ways it motivates me, but I am taking it too far. I DONT want to be that girl who needs attention so bad that she flirts with someone until they notice her, but has nothing but minor interest in them, just to get that attention "fix."

The making out with a pilot was either a really good idea, or a really bad idea. I haven't figured it out yet. The next day after flying with him I was simply lovesick. I can't think of any other words. The kissing was really passionate and aggressive, and he kept using the profane words for body parts and intercourse, which really turned me on, basically he just turned me on. And he didn't want me for anything but sex, so naturally I was turned on even more. Sad really.

So the next day I was just squirming in my seat. I could hardly read my book, my mind kept going back to the pilot. I kept my cool pretty well with him, but I was nervous, and not the sexy, confident minx that got all these boy's attention in the first place.

Things got bad when we got to Idaho. The van driver was skinny and by a man's opinion hot, and he was flirting with her openly. I felt so possessive and I went out of my way to be friendly to her to try to hide my contempt. I still hoped he would knock on my door for another round of sex-free kissing, but I didn't linger around him to give him any cues, so I don't suppose I should be too hurt. In the morning the jealousy was even worse. He was looking at some pictures on the wall of airline employees and saying "Dawn and Amber are pretty hot." I got mad again then, but I wonder if he was doing it on purpose because I saw him smile at me and I said "what? do you want my input?" I wonder if my talking a lot to the (cuter than him) blonde first officer brought out the same feelings in him.

My instinct is that the chemistry and sexual tension were as thick with him as they were with me, but I just don't know. At the end I said "I had fun" while walking off the plane (not lingering) and he said "oh yeah" in that eyebrows up and down sort of way. I even saw slutty-swagger pilot in the parking lot, that made me smile. As I drove home I felt glad the extreme sexual tension was over with, but at the same time I felt like I had just been through a breakup. This awful pain was there, but so was this immense desire to lose weight. I drove straight to they gym, and I have worked out every day since.

In fact, I have been eating well (well, not quite enough, but I will fix that) and grooming really well these last few days, I have this new sense of confidence, I am ready to live the life I have been missing these last years, not to mention my whole youth. I feel like I have been handed the chance to be young and fun again, while I am still young! I don't want to be the 45 year old lady carrying on like shes 23 (paging Dina Lohan) and I am at the age that I can get away with it.

So what is the best way to go? I think to enjoy the attention when I get it, and do all of the physical things to attract it, but not to behave in ways to attract it, just let it happen. But what if I get another opportunity to kiss? I know for one thing I will FOR SURE only kiss if I do anything (can you imagine the puppy love if I had sex with him?) and I also know that I probably will do it again, because I am weak like that.

I am only ending this because I have to go to bed, I have so much going through my head right now. At least I am grateful to be not-depressed :)

Friday, March 23, 2007

(Not very) Dirty Diana

Well, I broke the seal. I made out with my first pilot on an overnight.

We all went out to drink, and this captain was cute and sort of a "nice" boy. Both of the pilots were talking about not having game. The Captian said he had just broken up with a girl after 4 years, and charitable girl I am, I felt for him, LMAO!

At the end of the night we were standing in the hallway, I wanted him to hear the howling wind, it was really loud when we left. The wind didn't deliver so I said "goodnight." He said "what are you doing now" I said "nothing, what are you doing?" He said "I was hoping to make out with you and have sex with you. I said "I'll make out with you, but no sex" He said "will there at least be some heavy petting?" I said no, maybe "medium petting" It was like flirty business negotiations.

We kissed, he was a sexy aggressive kisser, and I would have loved to see the rest of what he could do, but come on, we work together. I am going to keep this brief since they might come downstairs any minute. I had a pants on line that I didn't want to cross, and he kept pushing it, and at one point I just decided to go to bed.

So I did a great job sticking to my comfort level guns. I have more to write but again I dont want them to see. I am not sure if I will kiss a pilot again. Depends on how weird today is.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Sunny Day :)

Well, there is a guy next to me breathing too loud, but otherwise this has been a great day.I am at a coffee shop near the airport, I just spent the last hour in a state park, I had a 5 hour sit at the airport with nothing to do (and no working computer) so I decided to go out and explore. The state park is right across form the airport so I drove right in and parked and after only a few minutes of walking I saw 10 deer. They were very calm deer. There was a great dane only 30 feet from them and they hesitated to run. I also poked ice in the lake with a large stick. Interacting with the environment like that relly brought me back to childhood. It felt very good. Earlier in the day I gat a call from Carter. I thought she may have snubbed me last night, so that was very comforting to hear from her. I discussed how uncomfortable I was the other night, and how if those were her friends I can see why she hates men, and she told me that Jim (the closeted homosexual) offends everyone he talks to and she sort of avoids him. I felt glad to hear that because I had taken it personally. Her and I talked for a half hour or so. Now I am heading back to the airport for a 9PM flight. Fortunately I get to stay in Wichita all day, I am hopeful that it will be warm, and that I can run (or fartlek.) I am very grateful to not be depressed. It is time for me to try it all again, to make the life I want for myself. When I was depressed my goal was to become not-depressed, but now that I am not depressed, I can create new goals. Okay, I have to run.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Hangin with the "In Crowd"

I watched some of the videos from paris exposed from when she was dating Joe Francis, and I was shocked by what I saw. It wasn't snorting cocaine off of a man's chest that shocked me, it was the degrading way Joe talked to and treated Paris, and how she just took it. He put the video camera on her crotch or her chest and lifted her shirt, she just laughed and covered herself half the time. I cant believe it, she is so pretty and so rich, yet she lets a guy treat her like she's a hired prostitute, a sex object. I can admit that in private that could be fun, but this was in front of many people. I thought that this was just in their weird little circle, but last night I got to learn that others behave that way too.

I always wanted to be in the "in crowd." If a genie gave me 3 wishes in high school, to be popular would probably be my first wish, even before world peace. Last night I got to hang out with the popular people and see what I had been missing. I called Carter (the beautiful blonde) and told her I needed to go out. I had spent some money on myself, I got very cute shoes and earrings, and I wanted to show them off. I did my hair up in a cute 60's-ish puff in front, with the rest hanging. I looked very cute and stylish. She was hanging out with some of her guy friends that night so we would meet them at the bar.

On the way there I learned that the curly haired pilot that I resisted on St. Patty's day had hit on her roommate as intensly as he had me, and that he has a live in girlfriend! I feel so glad that I didn't apologize for saying he seems like a slut.

We showed up at a bar called the moose room or something, quite the college/hick bar type of place. First thing we see Jim, a closeted homosexual, and his friend Matt. we got our drinks and went up to meet them. Jim didn't recognize me, probably because I am not deshevled like I usually am at work. They were all nice to me at first. Carter and I drank more and started dancing, and the guys found a table.

The guy Matt was flirting with me a little at first. They were talking about a girl singing and how she probably gave good blow jobs. I asked how they could tell and they said by how big she can open her mouth. That was all well and good, making fun of some girl at the bar, but then Matt asked me to open my mouth. Suddenly the joke wasn't on her, it was on women in general. I said something to him and apparently I had spit a little. He wiped his face and said "well I know you've got the lubrication." This is where I started to feel uncomfortable.

Later in the night they were even worse. The closeted gay, Jim, was asking me if I shaved my "pussy." This could be a funny conversation if it was meant to be funny, but it wasn't, it was meant to make me uncomfortable. He was saying the most vulgar things he could come up with, to offend me, and of course to appear heterosexual, but the more he said, the more of a woman hater he proved himself to be. They were even sort of degrading to Carter, their friend. I know friends mock friends, but some of it was talking down to her.

The funniest part of the night for me was when I was talking to Matt (who spit on me while talking too by the way) and I said "I'll give you 5 dollars if you dance like Michael Jackson and grab your crotch in front of everyone. He stood up and grabbed his crotch, he turned and faced two girls while grabbing his crotch. This was their cue to look at each other, laugh, and walk away, instead they started to talk to Jim! Apparently they went to the girls' house that night but got kicked out because Jim said something inappropriate.

One thing I regret was dancing really hookerish with Carter. I wasn't doing it to be sexy, I was doing it to be funny, but I wish I hadn't because it could be interpreted differently. One thing I am really proud of was something I said to Jim. He made some comment like "are you and Carter going to have sex tonight" and I looked him dead in the eye and said "There is nothing wrong with being homosexual" he said "yeah if your girls" and I said, firmly "no, guys too." I think that might have to do with why he was so mean to me. I am on to him, and I make him uncomfortable. I hope that the things I said were compassionate and sent a message through to him, even though he wasn't as kind and caring to me.

All in all I don't regret going out with them last night. I feel like my world has expanded, and I have gotten new perspective on this elusive crowd that I had for years coveted. I would have even gone out with them again, but now that I think about it, I think it would be appropriate to say to Carter "I didn't feel very welcome with Jim and Matt" and just hang out with her when a different group was there. Interestingly though, something was supposed to go on tonight, but it's 8:10 and she hasn't called yet. Yes, she had two Long Island Ice Teas last night and may not want to go out, but I still feel a bit snubbed. We will see if she calls.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I deserve a medal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentleman, Diana Crabtree is a superhero, and she deserves a medal.

I am tempted to turn comments back on for this post only, because I want to bask in your praise.

I had a SEXY pilot this trip, tall with floppy curly hair and brooding eyes, with a cowboy swagger due to surgery on his knee. I notice him EVERY TIME in the crew lounge, he just has an aura about him. Well, ladies and gentleman...he wanted to sleep with me AND I DIDN'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was my first overt opportunity to sleep with a pilot on an overnight and I resisted it, even after drinking and having such a lovely person to invite me into the sleazy club of airline overnight sex.

I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!

Friday, March 16, 2007

I'm happy!I

Guess what everyone! I'm happy! I feel hopeful again! I feel like...myself!!! I feel that I can manage my life again :) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

What it took was cleaning. I made a promise to myself that I would give myself a wage for the work I did, and get to buy clothes with it, and I started cleaning. I started with the dishes, spread out to the counter, then the floor, and outward from there. I took some breaks, but I was so easy on myself that I actually was motivated to do more :)

I rearranged my room a little bit, I think that is a healthy thing to do, because it creates a new enviornment so I can start fresh.

I feel really relaxed and in control! YAAAAY!

BTW, I have been putting myself to sleep with stress relief hypnotism Mp3s downloaded from Limewire, I wonder if that helped? I am sure having the anti-depressants build up in my body helped too. But number one? I think is taking control of my enviornment, and creating a calming, not chaotic enviornment.

Irresponsible

I couldn't find my insurance card this morning so I canceled a dentist appointment at the last minute. And I simply dont care. All I care about is going back to sleep.

I need to pull myself back together.

Lonely night watching YouTube

Oh well, I can't seem to embed the YouTube videos.

Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.

I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM

I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.

Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4

But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.

But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.

So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.

It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon

Thursday, March 15, 2007

My own private prison

I was just at my sister Linda's house and I was just fine, but now that I am home, suddenly I feel sad.

Home has always made me sad, except maybe when I lived with my mom. Home was the place I retreated to, because the pressure of dealing with people was gone, but then I would be sad there alone, and surrounded by mess.

Then, to make it worse, I wouldn't allow myself to leave. I would turn down social opportunities because "I had to get the house cleaned this week- finally." In the period of two years my house might be clean twice, yet I put my life on hold thinking it might actually happen this time. I kept myself here, wouldn't allow myself to go out, as if I created a prison for myself.

Will home ever be a place of refuge? Not sad refuge but happy refuge? I sure hope so. It was getting there for awhile. I am sure I am not too far off.

Another exausting conversation with Ashram

I spoke to Ashram a few minutes ago. He was "giving me advice to help me in the future" that I shouldn't have kicked him when he was down by saying I just wanted to be friends when he just quit his job etc. In his opinion I should have told him I had a migrane if he wanted to kiss, and then tell him later.

A couple of things...the whole "tell him I have a migrane" wouldn't work. I did not want to kiss the last time I saw him, and he kept kissing me. I told him "I am tired and stressed about the training tomorrow" and he persisted. So I went down on him, did not enjoy it, and he finally left me alone. I was certianly not doing that again, so I told him two days later that I wanted to be friends.

Fortunately I am solid enough in my thinking, and confident enough to say "I have done nothing wrong" and believe it. This is what I am talking about when I say I could have been scammed by a cult or get in an abusive relationship. I could have taken him at his word, and truly believed I was a mean person for breaking it off when I did. Only two years ago I would have been believeing that.

Poor Ashram. He has had one girlfriend ever and is just so innocent of all of this. If relationships arent complex enough, try it interculturally and then add a lack of experience to it. It is like we are from completely different planets. I am so glad that I am confident in my choices, and cant be told that I have done something horrible.

I can see her bragging about it as we speak

For the hell of it I decided to check out my former bitch of a roommate who uses people's boyfriend's MySpace page. He is a rapper, and actually was pretty decent, in fact I assumed that he would have dumped her by now.

Well, it turns out he actually has a song on there with her name in it!!!

It's so weird to me. He's a good looking guy, and seems smart, not neccessarily educated, but smart. So what does he see in HER? She isn't that pretty, and she just has this icky way about her. Maybe a guy would like it, but a girl is going to see that it's just so put on! Yuck!

Ha ha. She's got what she wanted. She is a part of the "scene" and even has a song about her. And she is special enough for that how? I'll tell you how. She thinks she's special, so she acts like she's special, so some sucker believed it.

I don't feel that mad thinking about her right now. Just glad to be away from her shallow ass. It was really unpleasant living with her, and so to see that she is in her little world living the life she dreamed of I say "good for you, stay there (but give me my fucking money!)"

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Near Misses: I could have been a crack whore or a Scientologist

I don't think I have shared my latest addictive habit. For the past two weeks I have spent hours reading article after article about Scientology. I used to think of it as a pretty silly religion where people believed in aliens invented by a science fiction writer, but then I learned that instead it is a for-profit cult that exploits people with mental health challenges. I also love watching shows like "intervention" or seeing stories like a crack addicted prostitute on Tyra today. I read and watch stories like this not with the facination of observing total screw ups and feeling superior, instead I feel like I am looking at myself...I got so lucky, they all could have been me.

Scientology offers "free personality tests" that you take and no matter what you say they tell you that you are depressed. I would have loved to take a personality test, I always enjoy learning about myself, and it wouldn't have been inaccurate if it told me I was depressed. Next they would tell me that if I paid $280 (I think) I could buy an introductory package, and suggest I begin recieving "auditing." Well when I had my mom's inheritance I would have happily forked over $300. I spent that much on the "attacking anxiety" tapes on the infomercials, I would have paid whatever I had if it would quiet the loop of worry always playing in my head or that horrible void that made getting out of bed seem as difficult as lifting a car.

I would have paid my $280 and sat down for an auditing session. In this session they would have had me go back to a traumatic experience in my life, they would have me go over it and over it again, and have me hold on to some metal cans while I did it. I would have felt better afterwards, having had someone listen to my story would have brought some relief, and I would feel very relaxed, like I had been meditating. I would feel slightly confused by some of the wording they used, and they may have said some things about how much "the tech" helps me while I was in this suggestable state, so I would be beaming, ready for my next session.

Since I had $100,000 inheritance I would likely spend a few months getting alot of auditing, I would have stopped taking my medication, which would make me more vulnerable and needy of their "assistance." When sharing my new discovery with my family, my well meaning aunt would suggest that I may be being taken advantage of. This would hurt me terribly, I would talk to one of my many new "friends" I had met through scientology (terrific for me, since I was so socially awkward back then) and they would introduce me to the term "suppressive person" someone who you should have no contact with at all, even if they are family or friends.

After a few years I would be working for the "Church of Scientology" for terrible wages in exchange for "discounts" on my auditing. At this point my whole social circle would be in the "church" my life would revolve around it. I would reach a very high level on "the bridge" and be praying for the day that I could be an OT, an Operating Thetan, who can move things with their mind. Yes, that would be hard for someone outside the cult to believe in, but by this time I would be brainwashed, so doubt would be something I learned to suppress.

One day I would have been handed a pamphlet by a protester outside about "Xenu." According to the brochure I would learn at OT level 3 that the evil lord Xenu, in order to control alien overpopulation, sent aliens in spaceships that looked like DC8s to earth and put them in a volcano. Then he caught their souls and forced them to watch movies, and that these souls clumped together and attached to human bodies, and that is why we have problems.

I would have sat and thought about this, and other doubts that I had repressed would have come to the surface. I would have, with great earnestness, asked someone about these doubts, expecting that they would help clear them up. Instead I would be looked at as a troublemaker. I would persist and if I wasnt sent to a slave-labor prison camp (RTF) I would be declared a "Suppressive Person" and my friends, my husband, and children would never speak to me again. I would speak publicly about Scientology, and then be harrassed and have lawsuits put on me. If I had the courage to leave I would be broke, with no job, no friends, no family, and already anxious, would be in great fear. If I do everything they say before I leave they would send me through "reverse-auditing" which has given many people nervous breakdowns, so if I'm in I'm screwed, if I'm out I'm screwed, either way I'm broke.

I don't think I would actually get that deep. I once got duped into going to a "group interview" at a "health care company" called "Equinox" and left during the break, complaining to my dad that it was a cult. So I have the gut instinct to know when "something isn't right," but howabout all the other Dianas out there who haven't been so lucky as to have a psychologist mother for 9 years of her life.

What scares me about Scientology is the power and money that they have, and the tactics that they use to try to make themselves look like a ligitimate religion. I sincerely hope that the weirdness of Tom Cruise lately will help vulnerable people see that Scientology is a sophisticated for-profit cult and not a harmless albiet kooky church.

I get so mad when I see how people with childhood trauma are exploited by cults, pimps, and abusers. I look at my own life, in all of it's flaws, and feel so grateful that I, with all of my naive trust of people, and need for acceptance, haven't been taken to the cleaners by any of these scum-of-the-earth.

http://www.xenu.net/
http://www.torymagoo.org/
http://www.factnet.org/
http://www.cultnews.com/

My beloved Charles

I saw Charles today, and finally was ready to explain to him, in detail, why we were broken up. (Minus the bad in bed part.) I finally had figured it out for myself, and had the courage to tell him so today I did.

He came over and I told him. I told him that he should not compare our relationship to other relationships because the way our relationship was wasn't healthy, and could not last. I would give in to his needs, because he gave me love, and all he had to do in the relationship is show up.

It started with sex. He wouldn't go down on me (not that big of a deal really) and he would not have sex with me during my period. Then, he pushed me and pushed me and we got tested and got rid of the condoms. I had planned to wait until marriage to give up condoms, and the idea of getting an IUD really scared me (the pill was not an option.) Next, he didn't want to live in my state, and so I decided, okay, I'll follow him, and then finally he wanted us to live together, and eventually I agreed to it (he didn't pressure me about this.) All of this weighed together was alot, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when I told him my needs when he was gone for 5 months, and he disregarded it. I came to find out today that I would have had to work full time while raising kids, I have already stated that I can't handle that much stress.

He asked what he could do to remedy it, I said he can live in this city, not live with me, not have sex (because I don't want it) and if we did have sex, use condoms. I said "lets get married, and we will have sex 3 times, one for each child." Without saying he's bad in bed, I was just honest with him, I didn't want sex. I put my requirements out there of what it would take to get back together, and he could see that those would not be what he wanted.

He still was touchy feely with me, which felt nice, I just pushed him away if he crossed a line. It's really true, I could take him as a boyfriend if we didn't have to kiss or have sex. I can't quite explain that, it might have something to do with me feeling really vulnerable, or maybe he was just really bad in bed and I just lost all interest.

All in all I really admire him, and I really love how great he thinks I am, he says I am one in a million. I wish things could of worked out, but I am honest with him and myself that it wont work out.

I feel like today was a good day.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Off the hook

I am not a bad person. I told Ashram tonight that I could only be friends. He said okay.

10 pounds

Yup. 10. I have gained 10 pounds since my lowest recent weight. I may be nearly 200 pounds. If my home scale said I was 180 the scale at the gym said 186, so if it says 190 now, then how much do I weigh now? OUCH!

I think I will go back to my old lifestyle. I was happier then, had more energy, so I guess I have to go back. I guess this is my lesson that not being really careful about what I eat leads to low energy, weight gain, and maybe *gasp* depression.

I have a T.O.P.S. meeting Thursday. I can control this

Please explain...

...why I am missing Ashram. Wait, I know, it's because I like him, but the problem is that I know we don't have a future, so I have to be careful to not hurt him or let myself get hurt.

The Hot Tent

Okay, instead of doing dishes I vacuumed the hallways of my apartment building, for a discount of $45 off my rent. (for doing it 3-4 times a month) It ends up being about 9 dollars an hour, which is an okay part time job, it's better than picking up hours on the plane, because the plane takes the piss out of your body.

So I was going to tell you about my Indian Paramour. Well, instead of calling him Ishram I am going to call him Ashram, because Ashram means "hot tent" and I think it is funny to call someone "hot tent" just like it is funny that my nickname, to Morroccans, means "Vagina."

So Ashram didn't call me for 5 days after the laughing in my sleep/missing his flight unneccessarily incident. I figured he blamed me for him missing his flight and decided never to call me again. I examined how I felt, and unfortunately (or fortunately) I felt nothing. I hadn't allowed myself to develop feelings for him, so losing him didn't matter. But then he called me the day before yesterday, the airline lost his bags, so I made plans to see him the night before last.

He quit his prestigious job because they called him "irresponsible" and "not taking the job seriously." In my opinion that is what happened, but as he sees it, he has worked for them for five years, he has never had problems with them, so they were out of line. I can see his perspective to a point, like them saying that was a straw that broke the camel's back for him, but on the other hand, he missed a flight to a job of interviewing people. It is very unprofessional for a business to reschedule interviews at the last minute.

Since he wouldn't be working in my city anymore I thought I would take the opportunity to see him. I picked him up from his flight from Detroit, and we stopped at an Indian take-out restaurant. We then went to Wal-mart to buy me a shirt, (target was closed- damn) since I had nothing to wear to training the next day to my training.

That night I put on a flattering nightgown, not lingere, but one that showed my curves very nicely. I had my hair and makeup done from earlier in the day, and had earrings on. I looked as good as I ever have with him. He didn't bat an eyelash. Me in this outfit like that was enough to get an "oh" but he didn't notice a thing. I said, already knowing the answer, "do you think I'm pretty?" he said "you want me to pay you a compliment?" I said "no, I'd rather you tell me the truth" and then he said "six", I'm like "you think I'm a six?" and from what I remember he verified it. I said "oh" and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, I was as pretty as I can be at this weight, so I just knew within myself that I am pretty enough to be found attractive by someone, and left the room with that confidence.

We laid out the food and started eating, and he said I seemed sad. I tried to avoid the subject but he persisted. I explained that we would have to be friends because I can't be with someone who doesn't find me attractive. He was very upset. He said what other people think shouldn't matter, and I disagreed, saying it matters if the person is a potential boyfriend. For a few minutes we ate silently.

After dinner he was all over me, begging me to not be mad at him (to which I said, "I'm not mad, I'm sad") so he said "please dont be sad at me" and kept pulling at me and paying attention to me the way a man who is attracted to you should, but at that point my heart was completely shut down. I explained I was stressed about training the next day, and wouldn't feel relaxed until I had gotten ready for bed, and eventually I got away from him. Afterward we kissed awhile, I felt nothing, and I finally went down on him so he would stop kissing me, and didn't even enjoy it, I usually do.

The sad thing is I do sort of like him, but not as much as I liked Charles, and I can already see the problems we would have in the future, so there is no use going on. And my heart is so completely closed off. I can't even enjoy it in the present tense, even though I am a little bit.

I actually could just enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him, except I might hurt him. He has only had one girlfriend before, and he is pretty old fashioned, even if he is modern for his culture and religion. The sad thing is, it is pretty appealing to imagine a future with a man with money who wants a stay at home parent for a partner.

Since I have stopped believing in love, what is the next best thing to strive for, why security of course. If Indians and Pakistanis get married without being in love, why cant I? If I were raised in an Indian culture I would have found a good deal with him, we have long conversations (or debates) and he is very good looking, and has money that he is willing to spend on me (I have spent more on gas than he has spent on me, and I have only allowed him to pay for food, and the one shirt, which he had to talk me into him paying for, by pointing out how much I have spent on gas- so don't judge me!) I really enjoy him as a companion, so if I had to marry someone I didn't love yet, it would be nice.

So I really need to nip this in the bud. I am letting myself get lost in the comfort of settling, which is weird, if I am going to settle, why not settle with Charles, who I truly loved, and maybe love. I think the answer is Ashram doesn't have the power to hurt me, Charles not only had the power to hurt me, he did hurt me.

I can't believe I am about to say this, before I was just stating my feelings, without taking them seriously, but really, if love only works half the time, then what else should we strive for but the best possible living circumstances? I could have my kids, be able to provide for them, and...aw fuck. I don't believe that shit. Just look at my conservative Catholic friend, who married because she was supposed to, because he was a Catholic too. She is miserable, and I would be miserable. There has to be true love there. I would be happier with a man I loved, not able to afford kids, than I would with a man I didn't love, and the ability to afford kids.

You know, that is what this is all about, my fucking biological clock. I have 6, no make that 5 years until complications would be likely. My body is controlling my rational mind. My desire for happiness is being pushed aside for my desire to propogate the species. That is some crazy shit. I never thought I would be the one this would happen to. But it gets worse every year, especially since I have become healthy enough that I am convinced (if I could do it without an additional full time job) that I would do a good job of it.

And it is more then my body, it's my culture. Everyone is settling down and getting houses and babies. I am ready to settle down. I am ready to put my energy into my future. But heaven knows I am only going to have a happy life with a man who respects me as a 100% equal partner. You know what? I need to quit hoping for kids, I really do. If it happens, good for me, but lets be honest...I am behind, a late bloomer. I spent my adolecence worried about my dad and wasn't able to relax and focus on my education and develop normally. What I am, a person with a job and health insurance is more than many kids from my background have.

But god, I dont want to be 40 and alone. My looks are already failing me, by then I wont have any looks left. I want what everyone else seems to have but lets face it, I'm not like everyone else. I think my therapist might tell me that my thinking right now is flawed, and I suppose it is. But geez, I don't want to be alone anymore. Charles cured me of that, now I need to be cured of the need to have someone.

Back to my old "old self"

A few posts ago I wrote that I felt like my "old self." That was a fleeting moment and it was an incorrect statement really, because I was feeling like getting things done, but when I was healthier I didn't think about getting things done, I just got them done. I am probably back to my old "old self" the mildly depressed one before I met Charles.

Today I played hooky from training from work. My training lasted 2 days, day one was going over evacuation, medical, and fire procedures, today was to be an active security class and CRM, (no, you dont care enough for me to tell you what CRM is)

Yesterday I had indian food leave my body in the most unpleasant way. This unpleasant way of leaving my body lasted a good 20 minutes, burned, and was unpleasant to be in the same room as. Fortunately it happened at the end of the day, the rumbling started before the final test, and my 20 minute ordeal took place in a room designed for people in wheelchairs and parents who need to change babies, so no one else was aware of the noisy and malodorous exiting taking place. But even so, if this were to continue into today, including the fact that I am on my period, it would be terribly embarrassing. I called in this morning saying I had "digestive problems" that were okay during a sit down class, but not an active security class which was a half truth, but really I was more worried about cramps and getting up so early after the time change.

Fortunately there is another training in April. Maybe by then I will have adjusted to the time change and not be on my period or enjoying the lasting effects of indian food. Still, the post-meeting-Charles old me would have gone to the training. I would have taken a shower and doubled up on my soap usage to counteract the time of the month, and I would have taken an advil to deal with the cramps. I would have shown up, tired as fuck, but I would have drank a strong latte to keep myself alive.

The way I had been feeling about the time I was dating Alan was really great. I wouldn't think alot about getting things done, I would just do them. And dishes werent so bad, they were done in no time. And I loved how my room looked when it was clean.

I am going to do some dishes now and then return and tell you about my weekend with my Indian Paramour.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Faaaaaaaat

I think I may be back to my breaking point when it comes to my weight. I ate a bag of movie theater style popcorn and felt so sick. I have felt sick a number of times from the crap I have been eating. I am already a bit depressed, I don't need to be adding to it by eating crap and by gaining weight and feeling tired and unattractive.

You wouldn't believe how ugly I look. Not ugly, but not pretty. I look so chunky in my uniform. I hate this feeling. My weight was getting to a point where I was not just passably attractive, but attractive. Now I think I am attractive if you like fat girls.

So I think my willpower is finally back. Thank goodness. Cross your fingers for me, K?

Friday, March 09, 2007

Depressed

Yuppers. I'm depressed. It's mild, but it's definately there. I need to not get worried, this makes perfect sense considering I was already a little vulnerable from the breakups and from my roommate leaving for Uganda, and then last week I had 3 days of 2/3rds doses, and a day of no dose at all. Yes, I added 1&1/3 dose, but I imagine the chemicals are wacky in my body. I just took another 1/3 dose, so if I take an extra 1/3 dose tomorrow maybe I will be caught up. I really want this to end soon, I have only been "not depressed" for a few months, I am not ready to go back into the abyss, today I even had suicidal ideation, but mild, it was like "now I remember why I wanted to kill myself."

There are two things that suck about depression, and I just read in "Why Zebras dont get Ulcers" that Depression is distinguished by "Anhedonia" and "Psychomotor Retardation." Anhedonia means the inability to feel pleasure. I did feel okay at times today, like I had forgotten for a while that I was depressed, but then if I had time to think about it, I realized I was down again. I went to lunch with an old friend again, and was struck a few times with what a downer I sounded like. And music in the car just wasn't good enough for me.

And psychomotor retardation makes it hard to move, hard to get out of bed, and hard to get things done. I couldn't find my badge today and was considering just giving up and taking a Miss-Trip, which is very bad. I also went to work kind of desheveled looking, but that had as much to do with a mix-up in my scheduling as with my depression.

I now have to do some dishes and clean up the apartment for a party for my roommate that I wont be able to attend. I hope the psychomotor retardation will not interfere too much, and that the Andhedonia wont make cleaning the apartment too unenjoyable :)

Depressed

Yuppers. I'm depressed. It's mild, but it's definately there. I need to not get worried, this makes perfect sense considering I was already a little vulnerable from the breakups and from my roommate leaving for Uganda, and then last week I had 3 days of 2/3rds doses, and a day of no dose at all. Yes, I added 1&1/3 dose, but I imagine the chemicals are wacky in my body. I just took another 1/3 dose, so if I take an extra 1/3 dose tomorrow maybe I will be caught up. I really want this to end soon, I have only been "not depressed" for a few months, I am not ready to go back into the abyss, today I even had suicidal ideation, but mild, it was like "now I remember why I wanted to kill myself."

There are two things that suck about depression, and I just read in "Why Zebras dont get Ulcers" that Depression is distinguished by "Anhedonia" and "Psychomotor Retardation." Anhedonia means the inability to feel pleasure. I did feel okay at times today, like I had forgotten for a while that I was depressed, but then if I had time to think about it, I realized I was down again. I went to lunch with an old friend again, and was struck a few times with what a downer I sounded like. And music in the car just wasn't good enough for me.

And psychomotor retardation makes it hard to move, hard to get out of bed, and hard to get things done. I couldn't find my badge today and was considering just giving up and taking a Miss-Trip, which is very bad. I also went to work kind of desheveled looking, but that had as much to do with a mix-up in my scheduling as with my depression.

I now have to do some dishes and clean up the apartment for a party for my roommate that I wont be able to attend. I hope the psychomotor retardation will not interfere too much, and that the Andhedonia wont make cleaning the apartment too unenjoyable :)

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Feeling like my old self

Today I feel as good as I did when I was dating Alan. I am fat-ta-tat-tat, but I can look in the mirror and see sexy. I am calm and motivated to get things done.

I feel hopeful about this feeling, but on the other hand I wonder if it is because I took 2 antidepressant pills in the afternoon to catch up from the last few days, and then another dose at night. That means I had 2 and a third doses yesterday.

Oh well, I will use this day to clean and do nice things for myself, and maybe it will help the rest of my life as the dose tapers back to normal.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Sleep Laughter

Just last night I found out I snore. That is the worst possible news. Charles snored and I was SO MAD about it. I even wore earplugs (I could not sleep at all otherwise.) Now come to find I snore.

But it gets worse, or should I say weird. Last night (having had no antidepressant mind you) In my dream there was a musician named “Bank Holiday” he couldn’t play any music that day. I said to his friends, “Oh, he can’t play on bank holidays, that’s why you call him Bank Holiday. They said “No, he can’t play any day, but we only talk about it on bank holidays so people will think that” This sent me into hysterics. I laughed so hard that I woke myself up! And then, like when you were a kid in class, I couldn’t stop! I woke up Ishram who said “what’s wrong?” and I said “I’ll tell you in the morning” but he persisted, so I told him the very unfunny, strange joke from my dream, hardly containing myself as I told it.

I couldn’t stop. I went in the bathroom to try to stop, but it was like the hiccups. It felt SOOOOO good. It is like when you are with your friends having a laugh attack, and when it finally calms down, and you try to repress it, it is even funnier, so a funnier laugh comes out making the other person laugh again. I didn’t want to stop, it felt so good, but eventually I calmed down.

I am glad, by the way, that I told Ishram I wont want a commitment for awhile. He is late for work all the time, which I thought was arrogant enough, but today he missed his flight for Chicago. That, by the way, was not my fault for laughing in bed. I woke him up 6 times since 7AM and he kept telling me no. Now I can see he needed more prying, but I don’t know him well enough, as far as I know he would have snapped at me. But I am shocked by his irresponsibility. He got up on time to make it, but he took an extra long time to shower, (if I am late I skip my shower) so it’s not like he made any effort. Not my type of guy.

I am also glad I said I am not interested in a commitment because although we had a really great conversation on the phone last night, I mean so great I was starting to like him, there is no gaze. He doesn’t look at me like he finds me beautiful. I don’t need google eyes, but I do need those non-verbal signals. Now I don’t think I am beautiful right now either, but I’m not the one kissing me. I had thought it was the hotel and the sleazyness of not going on dates first, but now I see it is him, his indifference at every moment but kissing, that makes me feel awful. (BTW the kissing was very good last night)

I am really not taking care of myself these last 2 weeks. I need to get back in it. I deserve better than I am treating myself.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

GLUCOCORTICOIDS!

OH HEAVENS! I have 2 hours to go on this flight! I have no water for tea or coffee, and I am very tired!

To add to that, my Indian Paramour, we will call him Ishram, has postponed his 7:30 flight today for a 5:45 AM one tomorrow, just to see me! I said to him over the phone “I have had two breakups in two months, so I am probably not going to be ready to commit to a relationship for a long time” and he still will do the 5:45 AM flight to see me tonight!

To make it all worse, I have had a 2/3 dose of antidepressant for the last 3 days, I am out, and if I spend the night at the casino I will have none. And, to really make it worse, my roommate leaves in 2 days, what if she wanted to do something tonight? Oh fuck, I really think she did! She is always feeling sad that her friends don’t live up to her expectations, I don’t want to be one of them (as long as the expectations are reasonable) FUUUUUUUUCK!

Why in God’s name didn’t I call her before verifying plans with Ishram? I was going to! Why didn’t I? UUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHH! The plan is I will bring him, but even then I have to convince him, and if I was being the good friend I want to be, I would stay up as late as she needs me, and Ishram needs me to go to bed at a reasonable hour. My attention should be on her right now. I really wish Ishram hadn’t rescheduled his flight.

GLUCOCORTICOIDS!!!! I just read the FUCKING AWESOME book “Why Zebras don’t get Ulcers” anyone with depression and/or anxiety MUST read it, everyone else should read it. It is very scientific and very accessible. One major message that comes through is glucocorticoids, which are released during stress, are what are bad for your body. For your immune system, growth, sexuality and reproduction, energy level, heart, aging, and happiness. Bad, bad, bad. If you read this book you would never let yourself get worked up about traffic again, stress is BAAAAD.

So I have Ephinephrine and Glucocorticoids pumping through my system right now. OY! I really need to calm myself down. What will happen will happen, and unlike a Zebra, my life is not being threatened by a starving lion, so it is of no use to me for these chemicals to be in my bloodstream, and it can cause a lot of harm. (Including Depression!)

Speaking of Ishram, here is what feels so wrong about it. Here I am dating another man from a patriarchic country. If I am going to date a man from a patriarchic country, shouldn’t it be Charles? I feel, in a funny way, like I am cheating on him. Huh? I didn’t feel bad dating Alan, because he is from the same city, we have the cultural things in common to make it acceptable to date him after leaving Charles. But Ishram is MUSLIM! And Indian. How would his and my relationship be any better than Charles and I? It wouldn’t. In fact, I don’t feel that warm connection with Ishram that I do with Charles. I don’t feel a strong connection with him at all, though he is starting to grow on me. But he is upper class Muslim Indian, just like Hasseem was upper class Muslim Pakistani. So I know some of what is to come, or, I will judge Ishram by the way Hasseem treated me, which is unfair.

And now I am wondering if I am a fucking gold-digger. No, I’m not at all, but financial security is important to me, and I feel guilty for that. I really want to have a middle class life, because it is a lot less stressful than a working class one. I don’t want to raise my kids without security. I don’t feel like I could handle the stress. At this point I am seeing that maybe I should make it my goal to bring myself into the middle class by switching jobs, but I worry that I may be selling my soul. I don’t want to give up the job I love for one I don’t and then regret it, and I don’t want to give up the person I am for one with more anxiety.

The reason I bring up the gold-digger thing is I feel like I am giving Ishram more of a chance because he could give me beautiful Indian children and security. See it’s not money, it’s security. If money was all he had going for him I wouldn’t be giving him a chance, but I have to admit to myself it is one of the reasons.

And why the hell AM I giving him a chance? I have no business having anything to do with men right now. I am really, really hurt about the breakup with Charles. Tonight I was even saying to myself I should get back with him. He feels like my soul mate, and every relationship is going to have problems, am I going to duck out now that one has shown up? The answer to that is no. There were plenty of problems. He doesn’t want to use condoms. I planned to use them until marriage. After a lot of nagging and a lot of soft penis and condom slipping we got tests and I switched to the sponge, with plans to get an IUD. I put off the appt for months, and then when I finally had one they office fucked it up. Then it was impossible for me to get up the nerve again. Anyway, after the condoms, the penis was still semi, and the passion wasn’t there.

Then there is the fact that he has only met a few of my friends. That has some to do with me, but some to do with him too. And where would we live? He didn’t want to stay in my city. I was okay with it early on, but overtime I panicked and didn’t want to leave my apartment.
And children, he believes in spanking, and although this wouldn’t stop me from marrying him, I was terrified of having African-American kids. I’m White, he’s African, neither of us could understand what our African-American children were experiencing. My instinct is “forgive the white people, they are ignorant” but if it happened to MY CHILD…oooh boy. I would just be livid, and wouldn’t know how to support them. But then again, look at Barack Obama, he doesn’t seem wounded from growing up with a White mom and a Kenyan dad. So again, that isn’t an actual deciding factor, just a contributing one.

And who could forget the reason we broke up? He, just like my dad, abandoned me. I told him that I needed him. I told him that I needed him to write me letters, but he didn’t. Why didn’t he? Now that he knows he lost me because of it he realizes it was a mistake, but why wasn’t the fact that I needed him enough? I needed something from him, I was very upset, and he wouldn’t give it to me. THIS is fundamental. Lets say one day I am adamant about something regarding our children, and he disagrees, will he listen or just keep pushing his side? The condoms were this way, and sex too maybe. I told him I liked it more aggressive, he would huff away at me for a minute, but then stop. And he didn’t look into my eyes, when he did he looked like a caveman grunting away, like he was looking right through me. I really wanted him to look lovingly into my eyes! (Side note, Ishram looks DEEPLY into my eyes. But it isn’t lovingly, it is intensely and lustily.)

And of course didn’t this bring me back to where I started. The sex. From the day I met Charles I didn’t feel the physical chemistry. I felt the connection, I really did, but not the chemistry. In the end I just need that. I need it as the glue to make me want to work through him being a stubborn asshole. Isn’t that it? The sex makes you so you can’t hate them, even though they inevitably prove themselves to be hateable.

And so I am back to where I was mid-January. Charles and I are not meant to be. I wish he would shut the fuck up and stop saying he has “the audacity of hope” that we will get back together. He pisses me off that way. But if I were the dumpee I may feel the same way. Why would he want to give up a girl who the only effort he has to put in is to say “I love you BAYBEEE” and she is bending over backwards to praise and love him, even giving him regular sex without condoms that she really didn’t enjoy? He had no reason.
And although I SHOULDN’T be entertaining the idea of a relationship with Ishram at a tender point in my life right now, what does he have that Charles doesn’t? So far he has been passionate in the sexual sense, even though we haven’t gone all the way. He could give our children and me security, so I could be a stay at home parent without added stress. He was born in India, which I have so much interest in. He is very pleasing to the eye, Charles was too, by my eyes, so I guess that isn’t a reason. But if I am going to list what he has that Charles doesn’t, it is only fair that I also look at it the other way around. So maybe I am just making excuses for having someone in my life right now when I probably shouldn’t. At least I was honest with him that I don’t see myself wanting a commitment.

I think Ishram is enjoyable to be around and pleasant, so I am going to let myself just enjoy myself without the guilt trip. (I did write down that I told him how skeevy I felt about just coming to his hotel room, and he seemed to understand and be cooperative) and I am really touched that he is going to wake up at 3AM tomorrow morning, and then be at work at 10:30 in Chicago, and he is doing it just to see me, so let it be Diana.

But one thing I will really mourn, is Charles and my baby girl. Whenever I see a young biracial girl I melt a little inside. I had bonded with her for months, and she will likely never be born. I guess if I ever decide to become a single mother I will ask Charles for some sperm in a turkey baster.

Bakery Freewrite

Okay, I am writing this without a topic planned in advance. When I started my blog it was less of a journal and more of a collection of essays. As my depression reduced I interestingly wasn’t as motivated to write, and I stopped posting, until I eased off he pressure and just started writing what was on my mind without copy-editing it. This could be the next level of that, to not even have the structure of a topic.

How am I doing? Right now I am doing pretty well. I am sitting in a fancy cafĂ©, with whole grains and organic ingredients. It upsets me that you have to go to a fancy restaurant to get whole grain or natural peanut butter. And it’s because we are socialized that way. Skippy is our comfort food instead of simply blended peanuts, so the market demands crap food. If Americans, like Europeans, were raised to eat normal foods, not chemical concoctions, we would have restaurants that serve our demands.

It made me so mad. The word “Bakery” is in the title of this restaurant, but to get toast with peanut butter was a big ordeal. I went to the front, and said “I would just like toast and peanut butter” she sent me to the self-serve line. The person in the self serve line sent me to the front, and I went back to the front and the waitress escorted me to the self serve counter and said “This woman would like some toast with peanut butter” When it arrived it was buttered toast with a side of peanut butter. Come on.

I am getting better at being assertive, I spoke up a little, but I was a little whiny about it. If I continue to practice I hope one day I will be assertive and authoritative without making people feel bossed around. I wish to be a person who demands to be treated well, without being a demanding or difficult person.

Interestingly, my current roommate thinks I am assertive. I can tell from the way she was telling me that she thinks I am too assertive. That is okay with me, because I think she is passive aggressive, so I prefer my perspective, it takes more strength to be assertive in my opinion.

If there is one issue in my life that I can benefit from addressing it is my sense of being unimportant. When the Japanese tourists continuously got up during my beverage service I felt like they were saying “I don’t give a shit about you, or the job you have to finish, fuck you” they weren’t saying that, they were thinking “I have to go to the bathroom.” I think it is terribly inconsiderate that they wouldn’t notice that I was having to back way up and bump into passengers because they got up, but from my Toronto flights, I have observed that Japanese passengers see flying differently. I could even expand that to say Asian tourists, because today a man got up during my service, and he was Asian, but didn’t look Japanese. I think that Asian airlines are more concerned with customer service, where all American airlines care about is enforcing FAA laws (because they have to) and profit. I assume that flight attendants in Asia behave more like hostesses, I even question if they make people stow their belongings, because on every Toronto flight I swear I am telling three people to stow their bags.

So again, the people getting up yesterday were from a different culture, they were very gracious and friendly to me, but at the moment that it was all happening I wanted to cry. I felt like they were telling me I was worthless. I felt like they were spitting in my face. But they weren’t. It didn’t help that when I asked their guide, kindly, to make an announcement in Japanese that bags had to be all the way underneath the seats, that he said “I don’t speak Japanese, but I can tell them, they know, they have been on 4 flights so far” he basically was saying “fuck you.” He basically was telling me that what I had to say didn’t matter. Most tour guides of foreign passengers are very friendly and are happy to help that way. He was a dick, and it set the stage for me to feel undervalued.

But again, when I am treated wrong, I get very upset. I think it is a combination of being mercilessly teased in elementary and middle school and being brushed off by my dad when he was drinking. Then, all of these years being depressed means I have spent a lot of time just letting things go, because confrontation would require more energy than I could muster. So being insignificant, low on the totem pole, and pushed around is what I am used to feeling. I want nothing less than to feel that way. This is maybe my biggest demon. I want to be important, I don’t feel important, I don’t have an important job, so when someone doesn’t treat me like I am important it really stings, so I recoil or snap back.

So that is something to work on, or to just examine. I am not depressed, but I have been severely depressed since 2001, so it is a big part of my habits, even though I was never willing to claim it as my identity. When someone would say something about the kind of person I am I would get so mad, I would think “You don’t even know me, you have only seen me the way I am right now.” I am glad that is the case, I am glad that I still identify myself as the healthy person, even if I have been sick more than I have been healthy.

That is another issue for me. Identity. I have no clue who I am, how I should be, who I should be with. For me it isn’t as important where a person is as where they are going. If I don’t have a goal about what kind of person I want to be then what direction do I go in? This is especially difficult with my career. I don’t know what I want for my future, I suspect it is more than working for a regional airline, and I don’t feel safe in depending on falling in love with a financially stable person so I can raise my children as my full time job. Anyway, I want that a little less now, or I want it, but only after developing a strong identity.

Life is a journey isn’t it? I am so unsure of everything, but I suppose I could stop needing to be sure and instead just live. That seems too simplistic thougj

Monday, March 05, 2007

I am not convinced that eating tons of food will make me gain weight

I need an intervention. I am eating like food and weight have nothing to do with eachother. When I look in the mirror I see a pretty girl hidden by blubber. I am making myself FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

I wrote a post a month or so ago about missing my anti-depressants and being in a great mood. Well forget I ever wrote that. I have been taking 2/3 of my dose for the last 3 days, because I forgot to refill it, and I am not loving the experience.

For one thing, I am eating like crazy. I had 2 doughnuts this morning at breakfast, then after dinner I calculated my points and found out I had eaten 31 for the day (to lose weight it should be 26) so I decided to stop eating, but when I got to the hotel room I ate a PB&J sand, a small bag of popcorn, a can of soup and two bags of instant oatmeal! Again, it feels like there is no connection between the food and the eating. I am blowing up! I need to stop!

I also had a bad experience on the plane. There were about 15 Japaneese tourists on the flight. They kept getting up when I was doing the beverage service, so I backed up 3 times (not an easy feat!) each time I backed up someone else got up! I couldn't even serve the last 4 rows. I made an announcement saying "Could you please not get up until I have finished my beverage service? I apologize if this is an inconvenience" Yes! I actually apologized that I wanted to finish serving people their beverages! And what happened after I made the announcement? Someone else got up. I finally just left the cart and served the last 14 people by walking up and down the aisle. I am surprised I didn't cry. I got close.

So basically I need to take all of my medication, take vitamins, eat reasonably, and excercise, before I fall off the deep end. I am fortunately reading "the zen path through depression" so hopefully I will make it through tomorrow without jumping out of the plane mid flight. Or getting too fat to get through the main cabin door!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Good News

Today, a little after two weeks after being stood up on Valentine’s day I was thinking of Alan on the airport shuttle, and the feeling that came up was of disgust and creepyness, instead of hurt and longing. I think this is a very good sign, it means the infatuation has worn off and I can remember him as he was. I mean come on, on the last date we were on together he told me someone at work had given him an Adderall and he took it. And then he asked the girl he was seeing who has depression and anxiety if she would get him some from her doctor, in that tone that is fake joking, but is really serious. Eww, I get the heebie geebies just thinking about him now.

So yes, I could see good qualities in him, but I was blind to the rest of it because I was, for the first time in a year, getting some pretty-good sex. I would ignore what I needed to ignore in order to keep that flow of sex coming. Actually, I wasn’t even blind to the bad qualities. I could see them, and I admitted to myself that I wasn’t ready to give the sex and affection up. I guess the sex was what was keeping me from feeling a little grossed out when thinking of him.

So good for me. I am pretty much over Alan, Charles, that’s another story. Being loved and adored the way he loved and adored me does amazing things to a person. It makes you feel like you could do anything. But then, while continuing to adore me, he neglected me. And when I reached out to him he didn’t take my feelings seriously. But maybe he would now, if he could have me back. Would I go back? Could I live without an enjoyable sex life? Conservatives have been doing that for ages, why not me? Who am I fooling? If the lack of enjoyable sex sent me into the arms of someone who now makes me shudder, what would my feelings be like 10 years down the line? I do miss him though, and I miss loving and trusting him.

I hope one day I can love and trust someone like I did Charles. And someone compatible, by the way. I am hopeful to one day love and trust someone who loves and trusts me, someone to have a family with who sees me as an equal to be listened to and respected. I hope it happens. I really do.

Am I experiencing depression, or just the human condition?

It is midnight, and I have a pile of clothes to hang, my suitcase to pack, and I have no desire to do any of it.

I feel worn out and resentful that I have to go to work tomorrow, as usual, it just feels like it came too soon, and I left the laundry/packing until the last minute.

So my usual response when I feel this way is "oh, my depression is coming back, I was doing so well before, why did it come back?" and then I attach some event going on in my life to my "depressed state."

But perhaps I am not depressed at all. I am just experiencing humanity, and unlike some days, today I am not bursting with enthusiasm to work. Perhaps, like for everyone, I would prefer to not have to get up at a certian hour, and arrive at a certian hour with a smile on my face, ready to deal with people.

I keep being told, by my therapist and others, that the most pathological thing about me is that I pathologize normal things about myself, and think that I am sick. My life isn't falling apart right now, it isn't how I want it to be, I wish I had everything that I need to get done, done, but it's not, but I am not catotonic in my bed, nor am I anywhere near it, so perhaps I should just relax and accept that I have to work tomorrow and I don't want to.

I do want to go to bed though. Maybe I will put off packing until the morning. I get mad at myself when I do that, but I am running out of steam. But I did go grocery shopping, do all my laundry, all the dishes, cook the last two evenings and survive an hour driving through a snowstorm in the last two days, so I HAVE accomplished a little bit.

Glad I am in therapy.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I won't go back to the casino

I'm not going back there. Not now anyway. If he wants to see me he can come to the city.

Two nights ago the aggressive manual sex was fiery and sexy, today it was a invasive finger fuck. Just because I wanted passionate sex with a fully erect penis with Charles does not mean recieving it is a replacement for Charles. I may have gazed in wonder at my Indian paramour's attractiveness and accomplishments today, but unlike Charles, he wasn't gazing at me in return. I feel sort of cheap.

I think it's sort of funny how eager I am to have someone to kiss and cuddle with. Anything but to feel the lonliness of not having the right person in my life. I know I need to just be alone for awhile, but who wants to go through the mourning? I was in it for real with Alan, despite the circumstances I saw genuine potential there, but my Indian paramour, who am I fooling? He talks, and talks, and talks, and though he expressed that I talk more, he doesn't have the skills, or I don't feel at ease enough to draw the best me out.

And as a side note, I had the most disgusting thought today. I keep saying Charles will be better when he meets a new girl, but what if I run into him and he is dating a heavy set white girl without a college degree? I would throw up in my mouth. He has made me feel like I am incredibly special, but what if he didn't pick me in spite of my body and education level and instead just had low standards. It makes me sick just thinking of it.

I guess hanging out in casino hotel rooms with someone you just met isnt good for the self-esteem

My "Lover"

As an act of very bad judgement, I drove through a snowstorm to a casino an hour away from my house, to see my Indian paramour. I arrived at his hotel very worn out, I had taken a difficult Yoga class yesterday, and drove for the second half of the trip frightened that I could get stuck, and forgot to bring a credit card or cash with me that could pay for a tow truck.

I laid in his bed when and he talked about the kung-fu movie that was on, and his opinion on it Then, relatively quickly we started fooling around.

He started touching me and I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said no. I asked when he would want to and he said "After I am fully committed, after we are both committed."

SCREEEEEEECH the music stops.

We continued to kiss and then had an awkward oral sex experience where he lasted about 30 seconds, and then we went to bed. But I barely slept. Commitment? Uh, oh boy. I am not big on that happening AT ALL. I mean, I came over the other day not even expecting it to be romantic. I knew that it was a possibility, but I...uh...commitment...uh...UH.

He got up (late for work) at about 9:15, took a shower that must have lasted a half hour, then went to work, while I slept in. I slept a little after he left, and then woke up at noon when he came back for lunch. He invited me to go to the restaurant at the casino, but in the ugly condition I was in I opted for room service.

Here's where shallow Diana shows herself. I couldn't sleep, because the idea of a commitment tweaked me out so much. But then I gazed at him this afternoon and realized HE IS HOT! He is really, really good looking. And rich. And smart. And funny. And SEXY. But I am not lying to myself. I don't really feel relaxed or like myself around him, so a committment would be a terrible idea. Especially since he lives in many different cities, but looking at him at that moment, the idea of us together was nice to visualize.

If he will come to the city next week instead of staying at the casino I think I could be more comfortable. Having our date be at his workplace, and our hang out time be at his residence made me feel a bit like a guest, not on equal terms. So having him in the city may make me feel more like myself.

One thing I must mention, the day before yesterday I mentioned I might go to the gym. he said "you want to go to the gym to get rid of your love handles" and he grabbed them! But I wasn't offended for some odd reason, I think because of the approving tone he said it with. Today he said, while we were kissing, "You know what I really like, is your love handles" I said "What the hell? What do you like about them?" He said he didn't know but they drive him crazy. I told him that Americans don't like love handles, they may like big butts, but never love handles. He said he knows. I think it's really funny. I need to lose the weight I have gained, for me, but it's nice to have someone appreciate the blubber.

I need to be very careful. It would be terrible if I led him on and hurt him the way Alan did to me. At least we have the long distance to act as a good excuse.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Why I will not let myself fall for him

Diana, are you listening? After he persues his PhD (In New Jersey may I add) he is going back to India to start an engineering school. K? No future, got it? Not a chance in hell.

I had fun tonight. He is cute, 27 (I thought he was younger) and very funny and smart. Boy can he talk! He talked and talked and talked. He told me a lot of stories. It was very long winded, but charming.

I went to the casino he works and lives at 3 days out of the week, and we had the overpriced buffet. Then we played video roulette for a few minutes, I went from 1 dollar to 4, but then lost it all.

We went to his room and he had chocolates delivered before I arrived. We sat, talked, watched a little tv, and then started kissing.

I told him right away I didn't want to have sex, and he said neither did he. He was very aggressive and passionate, which I like. He did some very aggressive things to me with his hands, during which I gave him permission to have sex with me, but he still refused. He told me he wanted to test my limits, and he made it seem like I was in for a wild night when it would happen. I am looking forward to it (umm, where did my plan to not have sex with him go?) because he was so aggressive, and he looked me dead in the eye while he was touching me, which was SO SEXY. He has a very small penis I discovered, but the best sex partner ever, Timothy Bearclaw, had a teeny weeny, and in a way I think it turned me on more, because since he wasn't hitting my cervix it was like getting teased.

At about 11:30 I said I should go but he said wait until midnight. At midnight I suggested that instead of me leaving he should quit his job. We came up with an elaborate plan of how that would work. We would livein a big box near a dumpster at a gas station. We would lease my car for 30 dollars a week, and we would use the bathroom at the gas station. He was talking about starting a foundation called the dumpster foundation, and we would also sing and play guitar for money, and eventually be on Nashville Star (since I am too old for American Idol.)

He is very likeable. HELLLOOOOO DIANA! Remember the whole "I am going to date people from my own background" where did that go? Do you really see this ending well? I think it's good that he has these plans to leave the US, so I can keep my head on straight, but even so, after the once over he gave me, I was already feeling all mushy gushy about him. Sex is dangerous I tell ya!