Thursday, March 29, 2007

I know for a fact I am not a lesbian

Yup! I found out for sure last night. I thought that maybe I was 30% lesbian, 70% straight, but now I know, I'm 100% straight. Or at least 97%.

I have been cooking a lot lately, and it's better to cook if you have someone to cook for. I called my neighbor and asked him if he wanted some fajitas. I made them and then came up and ate them with him.

It turns out he just had his- get this- FOURTY EIGHTH birthday last week. After my fun with the pilot last week I have felt frisky, so I asked my neighbor if he wanted to make out as his birthday present. We made out for a few minutes, and he insisted we go for a walk.

We went to a local bar. You should have seen the bartender, she gave us the dirtyest looks. She checked my ID too. It was hilarious. We played foosball and air hockey, and went to an awesome dive bar by our house.

At the dive bar we ran into the man who used to live in my apartment! My neighbor and him played some pool, and I learned that he is a cage fighter! I got his phone number and webpage so he could give me a training session.

A girl and a guy were sitting at the table with the cage fighter, and soon they came over and talked to me. So I am not sure how I brought this up, but I asked her if she wanted to have a threesome with my neighbor and me, and I kissed her right there in the bar (kissing a girl feels exactly the same as kissing a guy.)

The three of us ended up in my neighbors apartment and I threw up about 7 times. Which should be the end of the night right? I ruined it all by throwing up. Nope. Somehow we went through with it all, they even both french kissed me.

So I know now, I am not a lesbian at all. Touching her was just like touching myself, so whats the point? It's like touching myself except I dont get the pleasant sensations. I am not a big fan of recieving oral sex so that was nothing, and when I was giving her oral sex it was just flat there, something was missing that was supposed to be there.

She kept saying to me "I'm doing this for you, not for him" and I just wanted to say "Oh really, your not here for the balding 48 year old? Shocker. (But he does have a sexy thing about him.) I really went out of my way to make her feel beautiful. I thought she was far too fat, so I compensated by repeatedly telling her how georgeous she was. She really was beautiful, I just have such body issues that I can't mentally think of her body type as beautiful.

And my neighbor was the worst threesome partner ever. He doesn't do well with condoms, so he was not eagerly having sex with us, although we were both begging for it. He did for a few minutes, but then he stopped, leaving me frustrated. (Him having sex with me was probably the only time I felt really turned on- from what I remember anyway, I was drunk as fuck)

This morning was HIGH-larious. She was so freaked out. She couldn't get out of the place fast enough (thank god- I was worried we might have to exchange numbers and become friends) I was as cheerful and sweet as a fifties housewife, I made pancakes and coffee, but she turned down both, and hightailed her way out. She didn't even stay long enough to find her underwear. Should I give them to the cage fighter and say "your friend left these at my neighbors house"?

So what a great feeling! I know I am not a lesbian. I don't have to be 45 and married and wonder. I used to think that I would only do this if it was in the context of a relationship, but thank god I didn't, because that would suck to really care about someone and then not want to have sex with them. Wait, that was my whole relationship with Charles.

Oh and another thing, I was worried that if I ever had sex with my neighbor that I would become addicted to him. Nope, not a problem. He cant come with a condom on and he kept stopping things right when they were getting hot. (we had sex this morning too) So no worries about becoming addicted to him. But I am still really attracted to him.

So want to hear a funny thing? I would totally do it again. Not with him or with her, but with someone else. It's fun having more than two people. It's like the more the merrier :)

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