Today, a little after two weeks after being stood up on Valentine’s day I was thinking of Alan on the airport shuttle, and the feeling that came up was of disgust and creepyness, instead of hurt and longing. I think this is a very good sign, it means the infatuation has worn off and I can remember him as he was. I mean come on, on the last date we were on together he told me someone at work had given him an Adderall and he took it. And then he asked the girl he was seeing who has depression and anxiety if she would get him some from her doctor, in that tone that is fake joking, but is really serious. Eww, I get the heebie geebies just thinking about him now.
So yes, I could see good qualities in him, but I was blind to the rest of it because I was, for the first time in a year, getting some pretty-good sex. I would ignore what I needed to ignore in order to keep that flow of sex coming. Actually, I wasn’t even blind to the bad qualities. I could see them, and I admitted to myself that I wasn’t ready to give the sex and affection up. I guess the sex was what was keeping me from feeling a little grossed out when thinking of him.
So good for me. I am pretty much over Alan, Charles, that’s another story. Being loved and adored the way he loved and adored me does amazing things to a person. It makes you feel like you could do anything. But then, while continuing to adore me, he neglected me. And when I reached out to him he didn’t take my feelings seriously. But maybe he would now, if he could have me back. Would I go back? Could I live without an enjoyable sex life? Conservatives have been doing that for ages, why not me? Who am I fooling? If the lack of enjoyable sex sent me into the arms of someone who now makes me shudder, what would my feelings be like 10 years down the line? I do miss him though, and I miss loving and trusting him.
I hope one day I can love and trust someone like I did Charles. And someone compatible, by the way. I am hopeful to one day love and trust someone who loves and trusts me, someone to have a family with who sees me as an equal to be listened to and respected. I hope it happens. I really do.