Thursday, March 29, 2007

I'm an old fashioned girl

Well I feel like shit I am sure because I drank at least 5 vodka & sodas (By the way I am never drinking hard liquor again. It is beer or wine for now on) but I think I also feel like shit because I have had sex outside of a relationship.

There is no threat of me "liking" my neighbor. He is so fucking old. And honestly, that might not be that big of a deal, but he is nearly 50 and he acts like he's 35. Him and I have a nice chemistry and rapport, but he is far too old, and far too immature for me to want him. If the sex was really good I might want him a little bit, but even so, I couldn't take him to family gatherings.

But even so, I feel really exposed right now. I totally trust my neighbor, and he is such a sweet person, he would never make me feel bad, but I just feel really vulnerable. I just think sex should be a part of something bigger, like you have the sex, and then you feel so happy that you clean the kitchen, or buy them something nice, or just want to linger in their presence. It shouldn't be like this. I feel like I don't want to see him. I feel embarrassed. I think I would feel the same way even if there was no threesome. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep (I will. I wish I could find my housekeys, because I would go to the gym)

I don't know who is the right type of guy for me. Wait, yeah I do. Its Vegetarian Dreamboat Pilot, but by the way I don't want him specifically, because he whistles. Eww.

I sort of miss the sweet girl I had become. It is scary to have this confidence and lust. I am, no scratch that, I am not afraid that I will become like I was in college, because I am healthy now and I am aware of the negative emotional effects of what I did. It's like I visited my old neighborhood, hung out there awhile, but I know that I live somewhere new now, and I don't want to move back to the old neighborhood.

I don't regret the threesome. And if I were to have one, I am happy it was with my friend who I care about and trust. But I know that I don't like to drink that much, and I don't think I want to have sex outside of a relationship anymore. I'm so old fashioned.

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