Wednesday, March 14, 2007

My beloved Charles

I saw Charles today, and finally was ready to explain to him, in detail, why we were broken up. (Minus the bad in bed part.) I finally had figured it out for myself, and had the courage to tell him so today I did.

He came over and I told him. I told him that he should not compare our relationship to other relationships because the way our relationship was wasn't healthy, and could not last. I would give in to his needs, because he gave me love, and all he had to do in the relationship is show up.

It started with sex. He wouldn't go down on me (not that big of a deal really) and he would not have sex with me during my period. Then, he pushed me and pushed me and we got tested and got rid of the condoms. I had planned to wait until marriage to give up condoms, and the idea of getting an IUD really scared me (the pill was not an option.) Next, he didn't want to live in my state, and so I decided, okay, I'll follow him, and then finally he wanted us to live together, and eventually I agreed to it (he didn't pressure me about this.) All of this weighed together was alot, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when I told him my needs when he was gone for 5 months, and he disregarded it. I came to find out today that I would have had to work full time while raising kids, I have already stated that I can't handle that much stress.

He asked what he could do to remedy it, I said he can live in this city, not live with me, not have sex (because I don't want it) and if we did have sex, use condoms. I said "lets get married, and we will have sex 3 times, one for each child." Without saying he's bad in bed, I was just honest with him, I didn't want sex. I put my requirements out there of what it would take to get back together, and he could see that those would not be what he wanted.

He still was touchy feely with me, which felt nice, I just pushed him away if he crossed a line. It's really true, I could take him as a boyfriend if we didn't have to kiss or have sex. I can't quite explain that, it might have something to do with me feeling really vulnerable, or maybe he was just really bad in bed and I just lost all interest.

All in all I really admire him, and I really love how great he thinks I am, he says I am one in a million. I wish things could of worked out, but I am honest with him and myself that it wont work out.

I feel like today was a good day.

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