Friday, March 02, 2007

My "Lover"

As an act of very bad judgement, I drove through a snowstorm to a casino an hour away from my house, to see my Indian paramour. I arrived at his hotel very worn out, I had taken a difficult Yoga class yesterday, and drove for the second half of the trip frightened that I could get stuck, and forgot to bring a credit card or cash with me that could pay for a tow truck.

I laid in his bed when and he talked about the kung-fu movie that was on, and his opinion on it Then, relatively quickly we started fooling around.

He started touching me and I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said no. I asked when he would want to and he said "After I am fully committed, after we are both committed."

SCREEEEEEECH the music stops.

We continued to kiss and then had an awkward oral sex experience where he lasted about 30 seconds, and then we went to bed. But I barely slept. Commitment? Uh, oh boy. I am not big on that happening AT ALL. I mean, I came over the other day not even expecting it to be romantic. I knew that it was a possibility, but I...uh...commitment...uh...UH.

He got up (late for work) at about 9:15, took a shower that must have lasted a half hour, then went to work, while I slept in. I slept a little after he left, and then woke up at noon when he came back for lunch. He invited me to go to the restaurant at the casino, but in the ugly condition I was in I opted for room service.

Here's where shallow Diana shows herself. I couldn't sleep, because the idea of a commitment tweaked me out so much. But then I gazed at him this afternoon and realized HE IS HOT! He is really, really good looking. And rich. And smart. And funny. And SEXY. But I am not lying to myself. I don't really feel relaxed or like myself around him, so a committment would be a terrible idea. Especially since he lives in many different cities, but looking at him at that moment, the idea of us together was nice to visualize.

If he will come to the city next week instead of staying at the casino I think I could be more comfortable. Having our date be at his workplace, and our hang out time be at his residence made me feel a bit like a guest, not on equal terms. So having him in the city may make me feel more like myself.

One thing I must mention, the day before yesterday I mentioned I might go to the gym. he said "you want to go to the gym to get rid of your love handles" and he grabbed them! But I wasn't offended for some odd reason, I think because of the approving tone he said it with. Today he said, while we were kissing, "You know what I really like, is your love handles" I said "What the hell? What do you like about them?" He said he didn't know but they drive him crazy. I told him that Americans don't like love handles, they may like big butts, but never love handles. He said he knows. I think it's really funny. I need to lose the weight I have gained, for me, but it's nice to have someone appreciate the blubber.

I need to be very careful. It would be terrible if I led him on and hurt him the way Alan did to me. At least we have the long distance to act as a good excuse.

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