Friday, March 16, 2007

Lonely night watching YouTube

Oh well, I can't seem to embed the YouTube videos.

Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.

I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience.

I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.

Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance.

But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.

But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.

So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.

It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon

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