Friday, March 02, 2007

I won't go back to the casino

I'm not going back there. Not now anyway. If he wants to see me he can come to the city.

Two nights ago the aggressive manual sex was fiery and sexy, today it was a invasive finger fuck. Just because I wanted passionate sex with a fully erect penis with Charles does not mean recieving it is a replacement for Charles. I may have gazed in wonder at my Indian paramour's attractiveness and accomplishments today, but unlike Charles, he wasn't gazing at me in return. I feel sort of cheap.

I think it's sort of funny how eager I am to have someone to kiss and cuddle with. Anything but to feel the lonliness of not having the right person in my life. I know I need to just be alone for awhile, but who wants to go through the mourning? I was in it for real with Alan, despite the circumstances I saw genuine potential there, but my Indian paramour, who am I fooling? He talks, and talks, and talks, and though he expressed that I talk more, he doesn't have the skills, or I don't feel at ease enough to draw the best me out.

And as a side note, I had the most disgusting thought today. I keep saying Charles will be better when he meets a new girl, but what if I run into him and he is dating a heavy set white girl without a college degree? I would throw up in my mouth. He has made me feel like I am incredibly special, but what if he didn't pick me in spite of my body and education level and instead just had low standards. It makes me sick just thinking of it.

I guess hanging out in casino hotel rooms with someone you just met isnt good for the self-esteem

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