Just last night I found out I snore. That is the worst possible news. Charles snored and I was SO MAD about it. I even wore earplugs (I could not sleep at all otherwise.) Now come to find I snore.
But it gets worse, or should I say weird. Last night (having had no antidepressant mind you) In my dream there was a musician named “Bank Holiday” he couldn’t play any music that day. I said to his friends, “Oh, he can’t play on bank holidays, that’s why you call him Bank Holiday. They said “No, he can’t play any day, but we only talk about it on bank holidays so people will think that” This sent me into hysterics. I laughed so hard that I woke myself up! And then, like when you were a kid in class, I couldn’t stop! I woke up Ishram who said “what’s wrong?” and I said “I’ll tell you in the morning” but he persisted, so I told him the very unfunny, strange joke from my dream, hardly containing myself as I told it.
I couldn’t stop. I went in the bathroom to try to stop, but it was like the hiccups. It felt SOOOOO good. It is like when you are with your friends having a laugh attack, and when it finally calms down, and you try to repress it, it is even funnier, so a funnier laugh comes out making the other person laugh again. I didn’t want to stop, it felt so good, but eventually I calmed down.
I am glad, by the way, that I told Ishram I wont want a commitment for awhile. He is late for work all the time, which I thought was arrogant enough, but today he missed his flight for Chicago. That, by the way, was not my fault for laughing in bed. I woke him up 6 times since 7AM and he kept telling me no. Now I can see he needed more prying, but I don’t know him well enough, as far as I know he would have snapped at me. But I am shocked by his irresponsibility. He got up on time to make it, but he took an extra long time to shower, (if I am late I skip my shower) so it’s not like he made any effort. Not my type of guy.
I am also glad I said I am not interested in a commitment because although we had a really great conversation on the phone last night, I mean so great I was starting to like him, there is no gaze. He doesn’t look at me like he finds me beautiful. I don’t need google eyes, but I do need those non-verbal signals. Now I don’t think I am beautiful right now either, but I’m not the one kissing me. I had thought it was the hotel and the sleazyness of not going on dates first, but now I see it is him, his indifference at every moment but kissing, that makes me feel awful. (BTW the kissing was very good last night)
I am really not taking care of myself these last 2 weeks. I need to get back in it. I deserve better than I am treating myself.