Saturday, March 03, 2007

Am I experiencing depression, or just the human condition?

It is midnight, and I have a pile of clothes to hang, my suitcase to pack, and I have no desire to do any of it.

I feel worn out and resentful that I have to go to work tomorrow, as usual, it just feels like it came too soon, and I left the laundry/packing until the last minute.

So my usual response when I feel this way is "oh, my depression is coming back, I was doing so well before, why did it come back?" and then I attach some event going on in my life to my "depressed state."

But perhaps I am not depressed at all. I am just experiencing humanity, and unlike some days, today I am not bursting with enthusiasm to work. Perhaps, like for everyone, I would prefer to not have to get up at a certian hour, and arrive at a certian hour with a smile on my face, ready to deal with people.

I keep being told, by my therapist and others, that the most pathological thing about me is that I pathologize normal things about myself, and think that I am sick. My life isn't falling apart right now, it isn't how I want it to be, I wish I had everything that I need to get done, done, but it's not, but I am not catotonic in my bed, nor am I anywhere near it, so perhaps I should just relax and accept that I have to work tomorrow and I don't want to.

I do want to go to bed though. Maybe I will put off packing until the morning. I get mad at myself when I do that, but I am running out of steam. But I did go grocery shopping, do all my laundry, all the dishes, cook the last two evenings and survive an hour driving through a snowstorm in the last two days, so I HAVE accomplished a little bit.

Glad I am in therapy.

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